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Charlize Theron tells GQ being pretty has worked against her. Yeah, okay.

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Charlize Theron, the face of high-end fashion house Dior and the face of the cover of the May issue of British GQ, recently talked to the magazine. She waxed poetic about getting good roles, her new movie The Huntsman: Winter's War, and how she's not okay with the Hollywood standards that force men and women to age differently. In the interview, Theron also says that being pretty hasn't always worked in her favor.

Ugh. So gorgeous. So rough. How do you manage, Charlize?

True, that might make you initially go, "Oh, shut it, Charlize" but her point is just that, as she says, "Jobs with real gravitas go to people that are physically right for them and that’s the end of the story. How many roles are out there for the gorgeous, f***ing, gown-wearing eight-foot model? When meaty roles come through, I’ve been in the room and pretty people get turned away first."

Okay, fair enough. And even though she is the face of Dior and that probably hasn't worked against her or her bank account too much, the movie roles for which she's probably most famous didn't capitalize on her looks. She won the 2004 Academy Award for Best Actress for playing serial killer Aileen Wuornos in Monster, a role that required her to wear prosthetics and gain 30 pounds. And, of course, as the formidable Furiosa in Mad Max: Fury Road, she shaved her head and pretty much wore dirt on her face. It's not her fault that she still looked hot; she wasn't trying to.

As for her thoughts on aging in the public eye, Theron said:

We live in a society where women wilt and men age like fine wine. And, for a long time, women accepted it. We were waiting for society to change, but now we’re taking leadership. It would be a lie to say there is less worry for women as they get older than there is for men . . . It feels there’s this unrealistic standard of what a woman is supposed to look like when she’s over 40.

So even though she's yet another beautiful woman who has basically just complained about being beautiful, and even though she's playing the beautiful, vain Evil Queen in her new movie, it's just too hard to stay mad at Charlize Theron. She's just so cool.


Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna are reportedly engaged, mark their love with an eyeball-sized diamond.

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Get ready to pop some champagne, for Rob Kardashian has finally found happiness and is engaged to former Kardashian BFF Blac Chyna, or so their social media purports. Both lovers shared Instagram photos of Blac Chyna prominently displaying a giant diamond ring that is so large it does not pose a choking hazard to her three-year-old son, King. 

Rob's Instagram was a bit on the cryptic side.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BD0Dp43JWe1/?taken-by=robkardashian&hl=en

His caption consisted of many eggplant emojis, to which the only response can be ;). 

Blac Chyna, on the other hand, was more upfront about being engaged to the man whose little sister Kylie is dating the guy who fathered her son (konfusing).

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDz1kiRxvl6/?taken-by=blacchyna&hl=en

YES !...!...!

It's been a whirlwind of a romance for the two. The male Kardashian child and Tyga's ex only started hooking up in January.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDbHILvRvtW/

It may be a strange and quick romance, but despite his alienation from his family, Rob is still a Kardashian, so that's no surprise. Plus, Rob and Blac Chyna (real name Angela Renee White) have already lasted about as long as Kim's second marriage. Using that as a standard, Rob and Blac Chyna will surely be together forever, or a year. 

Kongrats

Chelsea Handler tells Trump what she thinks about him by taking off her clothes, of course.

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There are many things comedian Chelsea Handler is not shy about about, but the top two things must be getting naked and totally hating Donald Trump. In one glorious Twitter post, Handler was able to combine both of those things. Handler took to her Twitter and her butt to get the anti-Trump message out.

A germane tweet. I mean this with the utmost disrespect. 

The former talk show host sure has a way with words! Handler's Twitter feed is essentially a treasure trove of anti-Trump jokes.

Looks like this controversial comedian will be voting for Hillary Clinton this year.

Samantha Bee finds out that some of Ted Cruz’s biggest fans are total monsters.

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With a little bit of digging, Samantha Bee discovered that not everyone who loves Ted Cruz is just really into the constitution like he is; some are also hateful religious zealots. Bee highlights several extremist preachers who have tried to justify the Holocaust, called for the deaths of Muslims and LGBTQ individuals, and are gung-ho for putting Cruz in the White House.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXkEeTfdQeA

"Don't you dare carve happy faces on open sores" sounds like something out of Ted Cruz's bad lip reading, but scarily enough it is a real sentiment from someone whose job is to provide spiritual guidance to others.

Cruz should know better than to accept endorsements from people who spew such toxic vitriol. After all, he was once persecuted himself for delivering a truly terrible performance in The Crucible, which you can watch and cringe at below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7GgrTMzFIQ

Jon Stewart turned down a role in 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens' because he loves breaking our hearts.

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Stans everywhere, brace yourselves. Star Wars: The Force Awakens released on DVD and Blu-ray this Tuesday. According to UPROXX, the home release will include behind-the-scenes footage, juicy details, and deleted scenes. One juicy detail was also unveiled today, and it's about a celebrity cameo that never made it to the movie.

Empire Magazine interviewed Force Awakens editors Mary Jo Marke and Maryann Brandon along with creature designer Neal Scanlan and concept artist Doug Chiang. In the interview, they said The Daily Show's Jon Stewart (retired) was asked to make a brief appearance in the blockbuster film, but Stewart declined.

Jon Stewart and George Lucas at the Star Wars Celebration V in Florida (2010).

Stewart said that he would only be in the movie if he played a good guy. Unfortunately, only stormtrooper roles were available. Instead, some of your other favorite celebs took the offer to join the dark side of the Force.

"There are other stormtroopers to look out for. Daniel Craig, [composer] Michael Giacchino, who hails Poe up to Kylo Ren in the village scene, and American comedian Ben Schwartz. Plus Kevin Smith voiced one in the castle battle," said editor Mary Jo Marke.

You'll always be the Obi Wan Kenobi of late night TV, Jon Stewart.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjgDoxfHW4w

Check out Empire's full interview to learn more secrets, here.

Sex workers share stories of the strangest clients they've encountered in the line of booty.

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The world's oldest profession—and its newer cousin industries such as phone sex and cam shows—isn't just about sex. Often it's about giving clients the kind of sex (and often just the kind of emotional/physical connection) that they can't get at home. Sometimes, it's because a client has a weird kink that they only feel comfortable revealing to a professional who won't reveal it to others. Other times, whether it's due to injury, trauma, or a bad domestic life, the stories of unusual requests people have—like simply being held—can be almost heartbreaking. One thing is for certain, though: in a world where revealing these things is impossible for most sex workers, the Internet is a godsend for these stories. Here, compiled from several different AskReddit threads, are 17 of the most fascinating tales from women and men whose time and attention are in high demand.

Oh, right. This is all (obviously) NSFW af. Seriously. If you get offended, we're blaming you.

1. Let's start off easy with this sacrilegiously non-sexual request from a webcam/phone sex worker in Israel. (via)

So, I'm Israeli and worked for a bit in webcams. We also did phone calls. Chats were monitered, phones weren't, sometimes the manager would write me things to say.

An Orthodox Jewish guy calls. Asks me questions about eating pork and seafood. The manager tries to feed me sexy lines linking shrimp and clitoris or whatnot, but the guy isn't interested. He just wants to hear me say I've eatten pork and it was so naughty and it tasted so good. Yeah, I drive on Saturday. I'm so bad.

edit: to clarify, my phone wasn't monitered but the webcam constantly was, so the manager could hear my side of the conversation but not the caller's. So he could hear me say "yeah, I've had shrimp last week" and tried to get me to take the conversation into a dirty direction.

2. Here's a German escort with a fairly amusing tale of a tourist (she later clarified he was visiting from Japan) whose kink was harmless but not communicated beforehand. (via)

Escort here, an Asian man asked me to lift my skirt so that my thigh was exposed and asked to take off my shirt, ok normal so far I thought. Then he pulled off his pants and I was like yea it's get down time. He then proceeded to lick and kiss my right armpit and rub himself on my thigh. It took every bit of power to not burst out laughing. He came about 4 minutes later and asked me how I was doing then asked me to leave. It was easily the most fun I've had on the job

"You've been a very naughty foot dentist."

3. This story comes from a self-described "dungeon lady" and professional sub. It was hardly the only one she had. (More at #16.) (via)

I had a guy lay me out on the table, take my shoes off, get out a set of dental picks and mirrors and electric toothbrush, and do a "dental exam" on my feet. For an hour. Checking for 'cavities', 'polishing', 'flossing', etc. I was supposed to play the whole thing straight as if it was really my teeth he was examining. Never did his penis come out of his pants. It was actually a totally great time, if a bit bizarre to start.

I've got so many more, but that client story is my favorite!

When asked what happened if he "found a cavity," she responded:

He'd get out a battery operated dremel tool with a fuzzy bit put on it, then 'drill' away between your toes. Can't leave the dentist with cavities, ya know!

4. Here's a story from a guy who spends six days a week at the gym and is a part-time escort. Be warned: this one is less "wacky fetish" and more "genuine human connection and sadness." (via)

Part-time escort here (I'm a guy). I have had quite a few very strange and at times degrading experiences, but the two that stick with me the most are the reasons I still do this work part-time. First was a tiny and very beautiful Asian lady, probably 50 years old (i'm 45). I went to her house and explained in person what the services were that she could choose from. She said she just wanted to start by being held, a gentle hug. Well, after about a minute, I felt her crying into my chest (i'm 6'2"). I just held her and she stood there crying for 5 more minutes before I just picked her up and took her to the couch when I sat down and held her for another 20 minutes while she was crying. Just soft deep sobs (I'm getting a bit teary eyed remembering this). I asked if she was OK and she told me (without moving her face from my chest) that her husband never holds her, never has. So I just squeezed her a bit tighter and we sat there until the time was up (45 minutes was what she paid for). The second is similar, yet different. A very tall and physically unattractive woman in her mid 30's wanted me to slow dance with her. She is 6'4". Her height, combined with her looks, had led to her NEVER being asked to slow dance by anyone. We just danced for 90 minutes. It was pretty amazing to be honest. Both of those were strange, but even more than that, they were truly intimate. Most of what I do feels like masturbation with another person. Very impersonal and focused on orgasms. I have now pretty much focused the work I do on trying to have some kind of intimate connection. Dinner, dancing, cuddling, bathing, etc. On a certain level I have developed an addiction to it.

5. OK, this is a "my friend" story, but it's short and great. (via)

I had a friend who was a sex worker. My favourite story from her was a client who wanted her to stand in a corner, facing the wall, wearing nothing but combat boots and reading from Ulysses.

6. You're probably familiar with phone sex and cam sex, but expensive sexting is also something you can pay for. (via)

I used to be a text sex operator. In the back of British newspapers and magazines there used to be a series of adverts saying things like "text BABE to 83777 to speak to a hot girl in your area". There may still be, I don't know. I was one of those babes (well, several). I'm a dude by the way.

Out of all of our crazy regulars two sprind immediately to mind. We had pseudonyms for all of our regulars, created by whatever operator happened to have a moment of inspiration when dealing with them. So let's talk about 10,000" Stan first.

His fetish was enormous breasts. Chats with him revolved around a magic substance called "expandium" - I don't know whether he invented this or one of the other operators did. It caused the breasts to swell, and he would insist that the girl stuffed her breasts with it. Every session went the same way. He'd say "how big are they now? I bet they hurt! Shove some more in!" and you'd have to pretend to shove your boobs full of the stuff until they were as big as planets. As funny as this initially was, his sessions went on for hours and we had guidelines about how descriptive and expansive our replies had to be. We had to fill the whole 140 character message with original text time after time and he'd just text back "more! Do it again!"

The other regular that's worth talking about was Prakash Boringest Man. As the pseudonym suggests, this dude was dull. He worked in a furniture store (in the warehouse part) and he didn't even want to jack off that often, he just talked about his day. His really boring day. For hours. Bear in mind messages received by this service were charged at £1+VAT. He spent huge amounts of money having dull conversations with a fictitious girl. I occasionally wonder how this guy is doing. I'm pretty sure the service I worked for has long since shut down - I wonder if he graduated to actual hookers. He'd be spending about the same amount of money and at least he'd have a real woman to talk to...

...I only did it for a few months but it was decent money for a second job and I could do it from my sofa.

7. This story comes not from a stripper but from the club DJ who heard it from the very upset women who had a very lucrative deal ruined by a dumb co-worker. (via)

I was a strip club dj for a bit... Had this one odd duck that would come in and pay girls like $200.00 to piss in a glass for him... This happened several times, then once the girl took it to a bouncer and had him pee in it. She took it back to him, he took one sniff and said "this is a man's urine" Left, and never came back while I worked there.

At this point, a helpful commenter confirmed that the two smell different enough that ladies' and men's bathrooms have distinct odors. We'll take their word for it. Responded the DJ:

...She wasn't smart... and many of the girls were upset with her for screwing it up for them later.

8. This may not be "weird," but it has a really happy ending. No, not like that, you creep. (via)

(Throwaway Account) My current SO was an Escort and we met through her work. I was her strange client. I was a law student at the time and had lost my previous SO to suicide. I really had a hard time "dating" (because of time constraints, etc) so, I paid an Escort to 'date' me. She would come over, and we'd made dinner, watch TV, fool around, take naps and generally be "boyfriend/girlfriend" on Saturday afternoon and evening.

We did this for over 6 months: every Saturday, she'd come over. She'd put on more comfortable attire and we'd decide on something to eat, either making it or getting take-out. Eventually she began to tell me what kinds of food she liked and what shows/movies she wanted to watch. I'd take initative and tell her what kind of sex I liked... and she did too. After a few months, we'd take afternoon dates to the park or to the movies.

Six months in, she'd stop leaving first thing on Sunday morning and we'd instead have breakfast, or go for a walk. Then it escalated to her showering Sunday morning and spending most of the day. I didn't know if she wanted more money, so one Sunday I offered extra cash and she became quiet and said that she liked me and didn't want to do this anymore as she thought it was hurting me. I told her I liked her.....

.... seven years later, I'm an associate partner at a firm and she teaches high school English. No one knows how we met or what she used to do. It's like our weird little secret. We have this funny story that will probably go to the grave with us.

*Edit: still an ex-escort.

9. Of all the outlets for sex work, the domme/sub profession seems to have the best opportunities to say "no" to bad weird stuff and to say "yes" to good weird stuff. (via)

Former Pro-Domme here. Client wanted me to scald him in a tub until he passed out, revive and repeat for several hours. I said hell no.

Client had a fantasy about being forced into a leotard and legwarmers and forced to do jazzercize with my canes as motivation. I did that and it was awesome.

10. Some people apparently use phone sex operators for purposes entirely different than arousal or even therapy—business consulting. (via)

Former phone sex operator here.

I had a repeat client who NEVER wanted to talk about anything sexual. He would call each time he came up with a new business model or pitch for his business: skirts for men. He was a cross-dresser.

I would spend at least 45 minutes listening to him practice the presentation he was going give to the bank or whatnot. I was expected to take notes and give critiques. Once he realized that I would actually do this, he would also call me back when he changed something.

He was one of my favorite customers because he was a gentleman and he always upped my average call time.

According to most of these stories, this stock photo model should just take her shoes on and off for $1000/day online.

11. Da da da daa da...he's lovin' it. (Also not a direct sex worker story, but you'll like it, promise.) (via) 

I managed a strip club for a while. Believe it or not, things do happen in the VIP room...shocking right. As the manager, I just tried to play super oblivious and dumb to that fact, so if anyone did get in trouble, it was their liability instead of mine. We DID have rules against it and enforced them when people were caught. There were no camera's and I didnt have enough bouncer's to stand outside of the 8-9 rooms. So naturally things happened.

One of the dancer's who I knew got to talking one day about the strangest things they saw in VIP or had to do in VIP, and she said,

"You know XXX that comes in every Monday?"

"Yea the dude that always brings in the Mcdonalds bag?" i replied.

"Yea thats him! You know why he always comes in with that bag?"

At this point I was like, shit we should really be checking those bags, dude probably has a dildo or something like that in it, right?

She said, "No, it actually has a hamburger in it."

"Oh god," I thought as my mind raced to try to understand what the burger was for.

She says, "he takes out the hamburger, puts it in a plastic bag, then sets it on the floor in front of him. He then has me get barefooted and step on the bag squishing the hamburger while he pleasures himself. Easiest 300 bucks I make every week."

To this day I think about that guy on Monday's. Because somewhere in some club someone is stepping on a hamburger for him.

12. Here's a short story from a cam girl about a guy who was into some very long books. (via)

One guy told me he'd pay me €100 for me to (fully clothed) wear Harry potter round glasses and use an asparagus (as a wand) to recite spells. At first I though it was BS but went along with it anyway, he paid up....

13. Just because a story is odd and mostly harmless doesn't mean it's not really, really human. (via)

I was a cam girl for about six months in college. My weirdest customer wanted me to make him weekly grocery lists, errands lists, and just general "honey do" lists for things he had to do around the house. He was a young guy, maybe 25, and actually really attractive. British. He claimed he was lonely after his fiancée moved to Belgium for a year for school, and now they were on a break. These were all the things she used to ask him to do, and now she was too busy. So every week, I'd have a private show with him, and we'd drink coffee and go over that week's list, and I'd wish him luck at work that day.

It was kind of sweet, kind of heartbreaking....I got the impression his girlfriend had just left him. He would sometimes talk about when she would come back, but I really doubted she would ever come back.

14. It's unclear exactly what kind of sex work this woman does, but it's clear she has a really good sense of humor. (via)

One of my very favorite customers ever would just want me to do things like sit on his lap (with all my clothes on) and pretend to be riding a motorcycle and that he was my passenger. He would want me to tell him a story about riding our motorcycle, like the scenery and what would happen if we broke down and things like that. He always wanted me to make the vroom vroom sounds and lean back and forth like I was going around curves.

And sometimes he wanted to "dance," but what he meant by that wasn't me giving him a lap dance, but just for us to sit together and dance really wackily--again, with all my clothes on.

Sometimes he wanted to do regular, less clothed dances, too, but he was always super polite and funny.

I also have a guy who always brings me books and wants to talk to me about literature. He will bring me like 4-5 books at a time and want me to look them over with him. But after we're done talking he's also into lots of kinky, domination stuff so he's not totally innocent, either.

15. Let's check back in with the dungeon lady from #3. Here are a few of her other favorite stories. (via)

  • had a very nice gentleman come in wearing one of those dust masks. Wanted me to get up on basis pieces of bondage furniture, naked, and pose/spread. Then he would come right up and put his face about 1 cm from my parts and stare intently for a few minutes, then have me take a different position. Never touched me, even accidentally, over the course of the hour.

  • had a gentleman who would book multiple girls, have us play completely dead, then whack us with riding crops and pinch nipples and stuff. If you grimaced or flinched our gasped, you were out of the (several hour, lots of money) session.

  • had a very muscular guy come in who would shower, then once he was clean, would flex and want me to sink my teeth into his muscles and gnaw gently. Was surprisingly fun! These weren't nips or play bites...he liked me in particular because I have a huge mouth and was able to get his whole rather massive bicep in my mouth, then gnaw with my back molars. I've bitten lovers before, but never like that.

16. Here's another phone sex tale of several clients, proving that phone sex operators may, indeed, actually have the weirdest stories. (via)

I did phone sex for a couple of months back in 2004. I found it to be a depressing job because a) the pay sucks and b) you get some sickos. Unlike others in this thread, we were allowed to hang up on people who crossed certain lines (underage, incest, rape).

I had several memorable callers. One was a guy who claimed to be about 20 and in college, and he did most of the talking. He wanted me to just "breathe heavy". So for 20 minutes he's doing the most boring dirty talk I've ever heard ("I'm licking you up...and down...and up...now down...and up...") and I'm sitting there panting and hoping he gets it over with already. By the time he finally finishes, I'm nearly hyperventilating, and was too lightheaded to take another call for an hour.

There was the redneck with a strong Southern accent who really liked ass to mouth play. So he'd want me to put my finger in his butt to play with his prostate and then suck on my fingers. Whenever I described something he liked, he'd say, "Oohhhhh, yerrr kinkyyyyyyy," in this weirdly creepy way. He must have liked what I did because he'd call back often.

There was a Scottish guy who would call while his friends and roommates were in the apartment and talk to me like I was his girlfriend. When they left to go somewhere, he'd hang up. I'm pretty sure they had to know his girlfriend was imaginary...

...My favorite caller by far was one who wanted a very specific scenario. The operator, before connecting us, would tell me that he wanted to talk to a "she-male" (his words, not mine) who was flamingly gay and had very large breasts. I didn't really know what to do the first time, so I just put on my best drag queen voice and threw in a lot of, "Oh, HONEY" and that sort of thing. He loved it. He had a really strong Boston accent and kept saying, "I love the quee-ahs!!" He was a regular caller, and I really started to understand why some called the job "phone actress."

Finally, there was a guy who called himself "Super Leg Man" and I liked talking to him because all he wanted me to do was talk about how I worked out on the stairmaster all the time and tell him how muscular my legs were. That's all he wanted for 20 minutes at a time. I dug it because it was so nonsexual for me and his long calls upped my call time average (which determined my pay rate).

Also, for some reason, about 75% of guys choose to call themselves Steve. No idea why.

17. Cam show workers, however, clearly have the most fun. (via)

Camgirl here, I hope that counts!

I have a guy that comes in every few months and wants to have a pretend "gunfight" with me. Like, we face off, draw our "weapons", and "shoot" each other. He is super specific with the wording he wants me to use, and it's such an easy show.

When asked how the gunfights worked, she elaborated:

Haha we just point our fingers at each other and make pew pew sounds.

Someone (correctly) commented that this sounded like a blast:

It is! Seriously, the more creative the fantasy, the more fun. I try to inject some humour whenever I can. I had a Boss/Secretary fantasy the other day, and I just started injecting office buzzwords. Like..."I want to be a real team player, sir." and "Let's get Dave in here for a team building exercise."

18. This is equal parts fun and grossly informative. Or infartmative, if that's what you're into. (via) 

Am a camgirl....Only saw this guy once so maybe he didn't like my art skills, who knows. He asked me to draw on crazy eyebrows, like stick straight pointed upwards 'angry' brows so I did. Then I needed a clown scowl. That was enough for the face so then he had me draw fangs on my nipples. Vampire tits haha. And then lastly, a face for my pussy. Complete with eyes, a nose, and mouth. We both had a lot of fun, I could see him and I don't think he was jerking it, just laughing hysterically with me. Wish he'd come back! Recently had a different guy ask me to just fart, like continuously. He didn't know that for fart porn vids the girls literally pump their asses with air. Yeah that wasn't going to happen...

19. Some people have kinks, this guy just liked crooks (crook is also a word for the bend your arm makes at the elbow). (via) 

I used to waitress at a strip club. I remember one dude came in and asked girls to let him rub their elbows. ...One girl did. She kinda thought it was funny. He didn't like my elbows though. He was picky haha.

20. There is a really surprising number of very similar, and in some cases much more severe, fetishes like this one. (via)

Guy used to come see me every week and pay me to kick him in the balls. HARD. Repeatedly for 5-10 minutes. And I usually wore boots. He obviously loved it. He would flinch a bit, but usually asked me to kick him harder. I was apprehensive the first few times, but quickly learned that he seriously wanted me to kick him as hard as I could. If I had a stressful week dealing with assholes I would look forward to him visiting so I could take out some aggression.

21. It’s not technically on-theme, but as a ball-kicking palate-cleanser, listen to sex workers answer all the questions they’re sick of answering.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2mnyro54xo

22. Let's bring the romance back with this delightful pie-in-the-face story (no, that's not a euphemism). (via)

My wife is a cam girl. Some dude wanted her to do her makeup just like another girl (of whom he provided a picture) and for me to slam a pie into her face. It was probably the most fun I've ever had making $50.​

Asked how his wife broached the request:

Well, the guy asked for it, but she was super nervous it was someone she knew trying to make her look stupid. I said "they're paying $50 to see it. who's stupid?"

"Ok"

I started laughing before I stopped filming, though. You also have to keep a pretty high acceleration for force required to keep a pie stuck to your hand horizontally so I hit her a little harder than intended.

Now, there were some very strange requests, and we never judged a soul. "That's odd, but ok" was the extent. I didn't think this guy was stupid, but anyone paying for this to make her look stupid would be stupid.

One thing I learned from her doing it was; there are a lot if dudes who love feet.

As for what kind of pie it was:

Nickelodeon style. Just whipped cream in a pie crust.

23. This guy who used to do cam shows remembers a client who took burning through all his cash more literally than most. (via)

I used to do webcam shows and I've been asked for all sorts.

Probably the most unusual was a guy who sent me money in advance of the session and the got me to burn it on cam whilst masturbating. Normally just £20 or £30 a time, but in our final session before I quit he had me burn two £50 notes and masturbate with the ash. I didn't mind since he was paying for it himself and he always tipped well.

I've done all sorts of strange stuff though, pretty much any kink you can name I've indulged in.

Asked whether he considered counterfeiting the money:

Considered it, but I wanted to be honest and give the guy the proper experience

24. These stories have somehow avoided any really graphic descriptions of what genitals are doing during these meetings (well, except maybe that video), but this one was pretty noteworthy. (via)

A couple of times I had a young married couple who got me to jerk the man off inside the woman. As in, the guy would put his dick in the girl's pussy, then I would slide my hand into her pussy around his dick, so I was sort of jerking him off and fisting her at the same time. That's literally all they wanted (in a few different positions).

The guy actually had quite a large dick, just she had a very very loose pussy (the man could get both his hands inside her pussy at once). They were a very young couple, like 21 or something, so I dunno how she got to be so big (she said she hadn't had any kids).

25. OK. There were a lot of weird ones. This one is the weirdest. (via)

I'm not a sex worker, but when I lived in San Francisco I had a few friends who worked as pro-doms at a BDSM dungeon in Oakland. They had all sorts of amazing stories.

There was one guy who booked a two-girl session, and brought two high school marching band outfits. He and one of the girls dressed up in the outfits, and the other girl yelled humiliating insults at them for being high school marching band dorks.

Another guy wasn't even an actual client. He came over to book a session in person. While he was booking it, he asked if any of the girls needed to buy a car. "'98 Toyota Tercel 80,000 miles." "Nah, we all have cars already." "Are you sure?" "Yeah. When do you want your session?" "It's been in a garage all the time. Looks brand new." "I'm sure it's very nice. About your session?" "I just got the tires replaced, so they're brand new too." "Listen, do you want a session or not?" "Sure, I just need to get my wallet from my car. I'll be right back." He didn't come back. The other pro-doms said that he does this all the time. He doesn't want a session. His kink is trying to sell you his car.

Related: People shared the moment they realized they'd marry their spouse. Warning: it got pretty sweet.

Very wise 8th grader not interested in defining herself by this thing called BMI.

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A good friend of artist and historian James Lachlan MacLeod has a daughter in the eighth grade who was tasked with finding out her BMI. BMI stands for Body Mass Index. It's an antiquated method used to qualify people as healthy or not based on the ratio of their weight and height.

https://www.facebook.com/MacLeodCartoons/photos/a.316241628452774.72820.316222638454673/1006281942782069/?type=3&theater

When sharing the girl's responses to two questions on a worksheet given to her by a gym teacher, MacLeod noted, "As a strong and muscled athlete, her BMI came out as 'obese.'"

That, in of itself, suggests the faulty nature of BMI. But this middle-school girl gives a much lengthier and more powerful explanation for why BMI measurement is problematic.

Her first essay was in response to the simple question of "What is BMI?"

https://www.facebook.com/MacLeodCartoons/photos/pcb.1002478526495744/1002475253162738/?type=3&theater

BMI is an outdated way of defining normal weight, under weight, over weight, and obesity by taking one person's height divided by their weight. One of the formula's obvious flaws, explains Alan Aragon, the Men's Health Weight Loss Coach and nutritionist in California, is that it has absolutely no way of discriminating fat and muscle. So, let's say there is a fairly athletic woman who maintains a decent diet, she's five feet, six inches, and she weighs 190 pounds, but 80% of her body is muscle. That doesn't matter when calculating BMI! This woman's BMI would be 30.7, and she would be labeled obese. Does that make sense to you? Because it sure doesn't make sense to me. How could someone who stays fit, eats healthy, and has a low metabolism be in danger of heart disease and diabetes? Oh, that's right, because she isn't in danger of obesity and heart disease. This woman is active and healthy and she is the furthest thing from obese. In conclusion, BMI is an outdated way of determining a person's body health, and it's a measurement that should not be used in a school setting where students are already self-conscious and lacking confidence in their unique bodies.

Her second essay answers the worksheet's demand that she calculate her BMI. 

https://www.facebook.com/MacLeodCartoons/photos/a.316241628452774.72820.316222638454673/1002475256496071/?type=3

Now, I'm not going to even open my laptop to calculate my BMI. And I'll tell you why. Ever since I can remember, I've been a "bigger girl" and I'm completely fine with that; I'm strong and powerful. When you put a softball or a bat in my hand, they are considered lethal weapons. But, at the beginning of the year, I started having very bad thoughts when my body was brought into a conversation. I would wear four bras to try and cover up my back fat, and I would try to wrap ace bandages around my stomach so I would look skinnier. So my lovely mother did what any parent would do when they noticed something wrong with her child, she took me to my doctor. My doctor and I talked about my diet and how active I am. He did a couple of tests and told me I was fine. He said even though I'm a bit overweight, he's not going to worry about me based on how healthy I am. So this is where I don't calculate my BMI because my doctor, a man who went to college for eight years studying children's health, told me my height and weight are right on track. I am just beginning to love my body, like I should, and I'm not going to let some outdated calculated and a middle school gym teacher tell me I'm obese, because I'm not. My BMI is none of your concern because my body and BMI are perfect and beautiful just the way they are.

If that was simply too many words and too much poignancy on the part of an eighth-grader, MacLeod boiled down the girl's essays into one cartoon.

https://www.facebook.com/MacLeodCartoons/photos/a.316241628452774.72820.316222638454673/1006281942782069/?type=3&theater

Sure, that's a great cartoon, but nothing can top this girl's epic slaying of BMI:

"I am just beginning to love my body, like I should, and I'm not going to let some outdated [calculation] and a middle school gym teacher tell me I'm obese, because I'm not."

Kids are smart.

Michelle Rodriguez says she was 'jealous' Paul Walker died before her. Ayahuasca was involved.

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In an interview with Michelle Rodriguez from an upcoming documentary by Michael Zapolin called The Reality of Truth, Rodriguez talks about losing her friend and co-star Paul Walker, and the effects it had on her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tJKOAi3Mpw

She admits that after the death of Walker, she got caught up in thinking about the transience of life and it drove her to act in ways she wouldn't normally act. She also says that while tripping on psychedelic plant/drug called ayahuasca, she felt sadness that she'd been left behind. "Made me sad that he left me here. It wasn't a sadness that he's gone, it's more like a jealousy that he's there first," she explains.

If this seems super intense and weird, that's probably because A) it kind of is, and B) she was tripping balls and maybe still is a little in the interview? But also because C) apparently she felt that she and Paul had a special connection, and that he was the "deepest guy [she] knew." In an interview with Entertainment Weekly in 2015, Rodriguez said:

I could see Paul once every two years and just know there was another human on the planet who's deep like me, who loves like that. When that disappears, you wonder, 'Wait a minute, what do I hold on to?' There was nothing to tether me to this existence: 'Why am I f**king here? And, like, why'd you leave without me?'"

The cast of Fast and Furious 4 in happier times.

So that's not such a strange thing to feel, really. Just a sad person grieving for her friend, who died quickly and tragically. And also, drugs.


Everyone loves this woman's text pranks on her mom (except for her mom).

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Liz Hammett, like many women, has a mom. But unlike many women, Hammett is using her mom's gullibility to play a bunch of delightful pranks. Hammett has recently gone viral with a Facebook album of screenshots of pranks she has played on her mom, whose reactions range from playful to straight-up mad. The album has been shared more than 679,000 times, likely inspiring a lot of kids to steal their parents' garden gnomes.

Liz and Mom, to put faces to the texts.

For starters, meet Hammett's mom, who clearly doesn't love the spotlight:

https://www.facebook.com/liz.hammettmoomey/videos/vb.30114573/10102005072575582/?type=2&theater

Here are the best pranks that you will inspire you to try similar tricks.

1. "Butt."

"Butt" is a dick move.

2. A-wreath A-prankin'. 

She did have fair warning.

3. Question mark?

Some hokey-pokey.

4. There's gnome place like home.

Go big or go gnome.

 5. "You're an awful child."

You can never be too sure.

6. Innocent pun.

Sucks to suck.

7. Se7en.

Fincher's keepers.

8. "Are you being a smartass?"

That one was too easy.

9. Forking crazy.

Hide the knives.

10. Revenge is sweet.

Revenge is a dish best served as hot coffee.

Reporter who accused Trump's campaign manager of assault has been receiving chilling death threats.

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Ex-Breitbart reporter Michelle Fields recently filed assault charges against Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. Since then, she's been receiving death threats ordering her to drop the charges or else. The Blaze obtained audio of one phone call, which is extremely disturbing and unfortunately not altogether uncommon for women in the media.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pcaq0sKGpIQ

Here's the transcript of the menacing call.

Fields: Hello?

Creep: I am going to find you Michelle, and I’m going to kill you.

Fields: Okay.

...

Creep: I know where you live.

Fields: Okay.

Creep: You've got 36 hours to drop the charges. I'm dead serious.

Fields: Or what? What are you gonna do?

Creep: I am going to slit your throat.

Fields: Okay, you have serious issues.

...

Fields: Anything else? Are you just gonna keep calling me and saying this?

Creep: *Hangs up*

According to The Blaze, this isn't the first death threat Fields has received since the incident, with the same individual having allegedly threatened her brother. Fields has also received Instagram messages reading, "I'm going to stab this knife in your heart, just wait" and "You are dead bitch, I have someone watching your every move. See you at the morgue."

The reporter was also forced to relocate to a different apartment after Fox and BuzzFeed published her home address and phone number alongside the Lewandowski arrest report.

The campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, continues to deny the incident happened or that he saw Michelle Fields at the time she claims he grabbed her. The moment before the alleged assault is pictured below.

https://twitter.com/jacobperry/status/708743154682302465

Fields has since contacted D.C. police, who are now investigating the calls.

As of this article's publishing, Fields has yet to drop the charges against Lewandowski.

Article 57

Artist swirls household liquids for the most hypnotically satisfying video you should never show your kids.

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Filmmaker Thomas Blanchard created the most hypnotic video using items found around the house, that would definitely inspire any kid to go Jackson Pollack on the kitchen walls. In the short video called "Memories of Paintings," the artist combines milk, oil, paint, and liquid soap, filming it swirling and cascading in front of a macro lens. Prepare to be mesmerized.

The result is something between a Lisa Frank-looking ocean and a vibrantly colored galaxy. If you need more milky-oily-soapy-paint swirly goodness, you can also check out another one of Blachard's videos, "The Colors of Feelings".

7 wild child celebrities who cleaned up their acts and became boring parents.

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Youth is a time for experimentation and mistakes, like drugs and random sex. You're supposed to get those mistakes out of your system so you can grow up and make the things you swear are not mistakes: children. Here are some formerly unhinged celebrities who are just regular moms and dads now.

1. Britney Spears.

"Ella. Ella. Aye. Aye."

Britney Spears went a little mad in 2004-2006, smashing a car with an umbrella, shaving her head, briefly marrying a childhood sweetheart, doing time in rehab, and marrying Kevin Federline. Today, she’s enjoying a popular residency in Las Vegas and raising her kids Sean and Jayden.


2. Rob Lowe.

"Hi, I'm Rob Lowe."
"And I'm 'made a sex tape with a teenager Rob Lowe.'"

Long before he became a comedy icon in Parks and Recreation and Wayne’s World, Lowe was a Hollywood bad boy known for doing all kinds of things he shouldn’t have done, like having sex with minors (and making Oxford Blues). Now, he's been married since 1993, and has two college-age sons.


3. Christina Aguilera.

This is what happens when you're locked up tight for a century of lonely nights.

She was so dirrty! Remember how dirrty she was? So dirrty! Now she’s got two kids, and a regular gig as an elder stateswoman of popular music on The Voice.


4. Nicole Richie.

The edgiest thing ever produced by Lionel Richie.

A major figure of the early 2000s “celebutante” scene (along with best friend and bad influence Paris Hilton), Richie has left behind the DUIs and paid-partying gigs for "the simple life." (Get it? Like her show. The Simple Life.) She’s got two kids now with the equally mellowed Joel Madden of the pop-punk band Good Charlotte.

5. Robert Downey, Jr.

"We find you guilty…of being debonair. Also of heroin and cocaine possession."

Downey is basically Tony Stark in real life: charming, handsome, and with a history of addiction. He’s been to prison, rehab, and was once so high he woke up in some random child’s bed. Downey has been sober for almost 13 years now, and he’s married to movie producer Susan Levin, with whom he has two children.


6. Drew Barrymore.

If you Google Image Search "the 90s," you get this.

In her book Little Girl Lost, Barrymore recounted drinking by the age of 11 and starting rehab at 13. She stayed wild into her 20s, with a string of short-lived marriages, and and incident where she flashed her boobs at David Letterman. Today, she’s got two babies and stars in family films with Adam Sandler.


7. Angelina Jolie.

Still a better decision than Hackers.

She used to wear lockets of blood, make out with her brother, and have sex with Billy Bob Thornton in the back of a car on the way to the Oscars. Now she’s pure elegance and social conscience, on a mission to spread world peace. With husband Brad Pitt, she has six children—three biological, three adopted—all of whom helped make her wedding dress.

James Corden and Jennifer Hudson crooned public domain songs for a royalty-free good time.

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On Monday night, the always lovely Jennifer Hudson made an appearance at The Late Late Show with James Corden. For the show’s Public Domain Songs segment, the Dreamgirls superstar and Corden blessed the mic by singing a medley of songs you're probably familiar with, unless you didn't have a childhood.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejjat9jWW0k

The duo started the bit with a boppy take on “Skip to My Lou,” then a hip hop rendition of “Old MacDonald Had a Farm.” 

But the highlight may have came when the pair slowed things down a bit for a sultry version of “London Bridge Is Falling Down.” Who knew that song could sound so sexy?

Kourtney Kardashian shoots hoops in exactly the outfit you'd expect a Kardashian to do sports in.

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On Monday, Kourtney Kardashian posted an Instagram of herself on the basketball kourt shooting hoops in standard Kardashian sportswear: a leopard print bikini, sneakers, and a baseball cap. The bikini probably doesn't offer a lot in the way of support, but it also doesn't seem to affect her ability to sink a shot.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDy1tiIk1mV/

Kardashian captioned the video (which was originally on Snapchat) "Baller Alert" which is probably like a "spoiler alert" only not so widely hated.

Kourtney Kardashian really is the least interesting Kardashian, don't you think?


Imagine Ellen DeGeneres and John Travolta taught you to parallel park. It would go like this.

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Parallel parking is hard enough without your first attempt getting broadcast to millions of moms across the country on The Ellen Show. John Travolta recently brought his teenage daughter, Ella, on the daytime program to do just that, allowing the pressure of a nation to bear down on Ella as she dubiously contorted an ancient, lime green town car into an open spot.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJlPYQ9CLSw

John Travolta's E-meter reading is probably stressed off the charts now that the Travolta name has been sullied by his kin's lackluster vehicle maneuvering skills.

In a best case scenario, Ella has been blacklisted from parking a talk show host's car ever again. In a worst case scenario, she'll have to wash David Miscavige's car for the rest of her life.

Godspeed, Ella.

Lilly Wachowski makes her first public appearance as transgender with a wonderfully sarcastic thank you for 'Daily Mail.'

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On Monday, director Lilly Wachowski made her first appearance as transgender since announcing it in March, after a garbage Daily Mail reporter reportedly threatened to out her. She walked out onto the stage at the 27th Annual GLAAD Media Awards and said, "Ta-da!" which was perfect, and everyone applauded. Because it was perfect, duh.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHBq_PF7va4

In her acceptance speech for winning Outstanding Drama Series for her work on Sense8, she thanked "the fabulous people at GLAAD, Nick Adams, as well as the extremely sensitive and courteous people at the Daily Mail," and then she added a sarcastic thumbs up and, "Thanks, guys!"

She spoke a bit about a concurrence of events surrounding her coming out, and about the show for which she won the award, and then she ended her speech with this bit of wisdom:

Where do we find the courage to break free from the boxes of our lives, to transcend and overcome tragedy, the monsters within and the violence we do to ourselves when we are too afraid to be who we really are. There's a critical eye being cast back on Lana's and my work through the lens of our trans-ness. This is a cool thing, because it's an excellent reminder that art is never static. And while the ideas of identity and transformation are critical components in our work, the bedrock that all ideas rest upon is love."

Standing ovation, at your desk, right now! Okay, everyone sit down. What a great speech.

Instagram suspended a woman's account because it thought a cake was a boob.

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Instagram has a vendetta against women's nipples and will routinely remove photos for revealing too much of the female form. Recently, however, Instagram got a little too power happy and suspended Susan Moseley's account over a cake, according to Mashable. Because the cake looked like a boob. Whoever mistook this cake for a boob has seen some weird stuff. 

https://twitter.com/fionamoseley/status/716978052522254336?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Pastry chef Jenny Moseley baked the cake for Easter, and her mother happily shared the photo with the innocent caption "Jenny’s fabulous Easter Simnel cake — delicious." After Susan's account was flagged and suspended, her daughter Fiona shared the picture of the Easter Simnel cake that, despite being decidedly un-boob-like, landed Susan in trouble.

Jenny also shared a photo of the cake on her Instagram and managed to not get flagged.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDgDG1VvaOS/?taken-by=jennifermoseleychef

Even from this angle, the cake does not look like a boob. But it looks tasty!

Of course, Instagram surely has some sort of algorithm to identify nipples and block the harmless sight from the Internet, so it isn't fair to blame one person with really bad eyesight, even if that's more fun. In truth, it's understandable how a computer program (which must have access to some freaky porn) could mistake the cake's decorations as nipples.

In the end and after outrage spread, Instagram re-activated Susan Moseley's account. Operation #FreeTheSimnel was a rousing success. Now to continue the work of freeing actual nipples.

Article 49

Amy Schumer calls out magazine that listed her as an 'inspiring' plus-sized woman without asking her.

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On Tuesday, comedian Amy Schumer posted an Instagram calling out Glamour magazine for including her name in a list of "inspiring" women on the cover of their plus-size issue (the list also included Adele, Ashley Graham, and Melissa McCarthy). The problem, she says, is that she's actually not plus size, and no one from the magazine contacted her to let her know.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BD0sVf9KUCy/

Her caption for the photo reads:

I think there's nothing wrong with being plus size. Beautiful healthy women. Plus size is considered size 16 in America. I go between a size 6 and an 8. @glamourmag put me in their plus size only issue without asking or letting me know and it doesn't feel right to me. Young girls seeing my body type thinking that is plus size? What are your thoughts? Mine are not cool glamour not glamourous

This is not a plus-size body, it's just a size body.

Schumer's weight has always been talked about, because, you know, she's a woman. In 2015, she famously tweeted a picture of herself doing standup almost nude in response to a critic who said she was too heavy to play herself in the movie she wrote about herself.

https://twitter.com/amyschumer/status/565996404863434753?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
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