On Saturday, April 2, a 20-year-old dude named Juan Carlos called an Uber and allegedly told the driver to drive him from Philadelphia to Herkimer, New York. According to the New York Times (and presumably the driver's GPS app), the trip would take approximately five hours. 

At some point in the soon-to-be disastrous trip, the Uber driver, Corey Robinson, told Juan Carlos to take the wheel. Robinson, apparently, wanted to take nap in the backseat. Umm, WTF? (He did have to drive back, too, but still.)

So, Carlos hopped into the driver's seat while Robinson took a nap. That nap ended about a hour and half in the journey, when the Carlos crashed the car into a guard railing in Colesville, New York. Yup, that's what you get for letting some stranger drive your work car.

And how the heck did Carlos manage to drive the car into a railing, you might ask?

Gawker reports that when Carlos drove on I-81 towards upstate New York, "police say he sped past cops at a speed of 86 miles per hour." The authorities tried to pull him over, but Carlos refused to stop. He kept driving and apparently managed to lose the cops temporarily. Throughout all of this, however, Robinson was snoozing in the backseat.

After being awoken by the guard rail and  learning from Carlos that police were trying to catch the vehicle, Robinson ordered his customer to give him back the wheel. Carlos declined.

Inevitably, police caught up to the car after Carlos wasted valuable escape time crashing into that rail. Both men were sent to a local hospital for minor injuries. Carlos was, of course, arrested and charged with a handful of misdemeanors. On the other hand, Robinson was given no charges. Basically, the police just told him to go home.

Go home and sleep, Mr. Robinson. Lord knows you need it.

No longer are tops a thing that even kids in the 1700s would be disappointed to get: rather, they're triumphantly returning to prominence as must-have toys. Kuma Films has proven it with their new video that highlights the skills of wildly talented top-spinners in Taoyuan, Taiwan, whose variation of top-spinning looks like yo-yo mixed with softball and some sort of impossible carnival game.

Toss your Xbox in a gutter, feed your Playstation to a deer, and donate your WiiU to a minimum security prison, because you've got a lot of spinning to do if you want to catch up with the dirt-nasty game these spin-masters are spinning with.

Begin your training by looking at this spinning regiment for at least three hours every day.

Indiana Governor Mike Pence recently signed into law bill HEA 1337, a new anti-abortion law so extreme that even most Republicans don't like it. The Governor, who is a man with (presumably) a penis and not a uterus or vagina, has pissed off many women with this new law that puts strict rules on women's bodies. The Daily Kos provided a summery of HEA 1337, highlighting the areas that have most angered women:

Under HB 1337, which both chambers of the legislature passed this week, women would be prohibited from seeking an abortion if they discover their fetus has genetic abnormalities. Abortion providers would be responsible for burying or cremating “fetal remains.” And donating fetal tissue — an area of scientific research that’s come under fire thanks to a smear campaign against Planned Parenthood — would be classified as a felony crime.

So, even though abortion is legal, it becomes illegal if you find out there are genetic abnormalities—and criminalizes stem cell research at the same time. 

So, how do periods factor into this? Well, since Mike Pence and the Indiana legislature seemed to be so concerned with what was happening with women's bodies, women decided to update the Governor on how their periods are going. 

Shortly after the bill became law, a Facebook page called "Periods for Pence" popped up, encouraging women to call Governor Pence to let him know how they feel about HEA 1337. "Periods for Pence" has amassed 25,000 likes, and that number is rapidly growing. Shortly after the Facebook page was made, a Twitter account followed. This is where the fun starts.

Angry ladies from Indiana and beyond were more than happy to give Pence a peace of their...minds.

The mad menstruaters also decided to give Casey Cox, the author of the bill and an Indiana representative, some attention as well.

Eventually, Pence's office was so overrun with phone calls from women giving detailed updates on their vaginas and uteruses that they disconnected the phone line. You can run, Pence, but you can't hide!

The creator of "Periods for Pence" wishes to remain anonymous, but spoke to BBC about fighting for women's rights via trolling.

The founder of the site said that one of the best, and unexpected, things about the group is that women are contacting her not only to support the idea but to privately confide their own personal experiences.

"Women have been saying I lost my job because of my healthcare situation, or this is the reason why I had to make such a hard decision in my life," she said. "Women who share their experiences with miscarriages and how traumatic that's been. It's a safe space for those stories too."

The women's rights crusader also wanted to note that "Periods for Pence" is not an pro-abortion page, but rather a pro-women page.

I think a lot of people get the idea that we're a pro-abortion page. We're not, we're pro women and we have to understand every woman is independent. We shouldn't be lumped into two groups of women who would or wouldn't get an abortion. It's not an experience most would go into lightly and we have to respect that. 

Ladies continue to harass Governor Pence via phone, email, Facebook and Twitter, but he has yet to comment on the shit-storm he has created. Knowing him, he will probably just blame it all on PMS or something.

Poop: you can't deny that it's strangely interesting. For years you have been peeking back, Snapchatting poops, and sharing tales of bowel movements so interesting that they achieved viral fame. People might've made fun of your fascination with all things poop, calling it "juvenile" or "gross." But alas, fair pooper, the joke's on them, because poop is a sophisticated interest. So sophisticated, in fact, that it belongs in a museum. 

A National Poo Museum opened recently in the UK—and it is the #1 spot for everything #2. Located on the Isle of Wight, it features a lot of brown stuff, encased in crystal orbs.

The exhibit features 20 different types of fecal matter, and it's a collaboration between the art collective Eccleston George and the Isle of Wight zoo.

Daniel Roberts, a member of Eccleston George, got the idea when he stumbled upon a load of crap in the middle of a road in Sweden and he and his friends tried to guess from which species it emerged.

The museum uses poo to explore many different, interconnected themes.

It also features excrement of 18 different animals, including meerkat...

...robin...

...and cat.

Oh, and can't forget about this majestic lion poo:

While it is a serious scientific enterprise, the museum maintains a sense of humor, having officially opened the gallery with a toilet paper cutting ceremony.

As you can see within these crystal balls, poo stands at the nexus of art and science—a natural wonder that you create on a (hopefully) daily basis. The exhibit is running in the UK through the summer, and then is coming to a museum near you, so:

Eva Tiamat Baphomet Medusa—Tiamat for short—is claiming to be the first (and only) person to have their ears removed as part of a journey to become a dragon. Also, Tiamat wants to be labeled as “it” and desires to become a mythical beast by going through extensive surgeries, The Sun reports. 

The 55-year-old former banker currently has green eyes and a full-face tattoo, as well as a snake-like tongue. Check it out:

Tiamat describes itself in its blog:

I am the Dragon Lady, A pre-op M2F transgender in the process of morphing into a human dragon, becoming a reptoid as I shed my human skin and my physical appearance and my life as a whole leaving my humanness behind and embracing my most natural self awareness as a mythical beast. As for pronouns I prefer to be called 'it' and not be referred to as a she or a her. 

Here's a before and after snap of Tiamat:

According to the Daily Mail, the dragon lady has numerous positive messages regarding body modification on her Facebook photos. It said that it loves body modification because of “the aesthetic appeal, the sexual pleasure, the shock value and most important of all, personal gratification and spiritual significance” it gives it. 

"I don't care what people say about me or my views, and if I have to I will defy and stand alone against the world, but (sic) never will I make any compromise to my integrity," it said, presumably about the haters. "I am what I am. I am my own special creation," it said.

Check out this video interview featuring Tiamat, below:

Kudos to Tiamat for muting the trolls in her quest to become a dragon. Trolls and dragons, contrary to common belief, are longstanding enemies. Only one question remains: is she really the first person to have her ears cosmetically removed? The parrot man may think otherwise.

It looks like your parents aren't the only ones who are tricked into thinking that satirical websites are real. Singer Annie Clark, who is better known by her stage name, St. Vincent, fell for this ClickHole article that "quoted her".

How she thought it was real is pretty impossible to explain, because the fictitious quote was, in short, ridiculous: 

“Is a single shoelace any good for playing tug of war? No. Can it be a decent leash for a mouse? You bet. How about for tying a cruise liner to a dock? Of course not. Will it keep your cleats on your feet? That’s a no-brainer. Don’t even get me started on all the things two shoelaces can and can’t do.”

—Annie Clark

Unprompted

After being told that ClickHole is indeed a satire website, St. Vincent returned to Twitter to make amends. 

Don't believe everything you hear on the internet, St. Vincent!

Menstruation is a very natural part of life that is not at all vile or gross. Unless blood is flying through the air and vomiting is involved. Then it's gross. And yet still so relatable (for menstruating women, at least. Nobody else can understand).

As such, there's nothing to be ashamed about here! Even though these 15 period stories (frommanydifferentRedditthreads) seem like nightmares and may give you second-hand embarrassment, it's important to suffer through them for the sake of normalizing periods. And for entertainment. 

1. If you though getting cramps during gym class was bad, wait until you hear what marmosetohmarmoset suffered.

Oof.

I was the awkward weird kid in high school. Somehow both nerdy and freakish at the same time. Anyway, in 9th grade I had gym class with not a single friend, or even friendly acquaintance. One day, right before class, I got my period. Still being new at the whole menstruation thing didn't have anything with me (and with no friends in the class, no one to bum off of). Since that was the day we were getting our introduction to the weight room I figured I'd be ok if I just stuffed a bunch of toilet paper down there, since all we were doing was sitting around having the different machines explained to us.

Everything was going ok until my teacher decided she needed a volunteer to demonstrate one of the machines. It was the abductor/adductor machine. You know- the one that when you use it you suddenly remember that you're overdue for you annual PAP smear? That one. Of course she picks me to demonstrate. I try to tell her that I'm not feeling well, but she was a hard ass and I was shy so I did not state my case very forcibly.

So there I am, spread eagle, my legs in virtual stirrups, and my poor light-blue gym short clad-crotch displayed in front of the entire class. The toilet paper in my panties of course picks that moment to quit. I feel the blood squirting out and soaking my gym shorts and see the gradual look of horror/amusement come across the faces of my classmates. The teacher is totally oblivious.

That day did not help my reputation.

edit:TL;DR: Showed my bloody crotch to a whole class of hostile 14-year-olds

2. Send virtual hugs out to SibcyRoad, who couldn't re-cover from her period drama (that's a pun, you'll see).

I'm VERY irregular. I was staying at my new boyfriends for the first time. We had been having sex and apparently that can bring about a period. Like jump start it I guess. Anyway I didn't know I was going to start so we both fall asleep naked and cuddling. I'm an active sleeper. I move around a lot. The next morning I woke up to a wet feeling between my legs and butt. And sometimes when I'm cold I stick my hands between my thighs and lay on my side for warmth. I opened my eyes and looked at my hands and they were covered in blood. I lifted the white sheets and looked down to a horrible scene. We were both covered in blood. It looked like I'd tried to kill him.

There was nothing I could do. No hiding. No covering up. It was a lost cause. So I woke him up and he opened his eyes and turned to me and his eyes got huge. He hadn't even seen the damage yet but he was looking at me like I was an alien. He kind of yelled "What's all over your face!? Did you get a bloody nose?!" And I realized that at some point in the night I put my face in my blood covered hands.

I said no but I got my period and it was bad. So he lifts the covers and it was like that seen in The Godfather with the horse head. He didn't scream thank god. He just ran into the bathroom and immediately got in the shower. Leaving me alone in the blood soaked sheets covered in blood and still leaking. I started to cry. I couldn't do anything. There was only one bathroom. And he was in it. So I just sat there sobbing.

When he came out I pushed past him and rinsed off. Tossed on my clothes. Ran to my purse and pulled out a $20 for cleaning. Tossed it his direction and bolted. I ignored all of his calls and never spoke to him again. I just couldn't.

3. OhHoneyNo's unforgettable incident will provide you with some inspiring names for your period.

I have never, ever, not even once told a soul about this. Now I'm broadcasting my humiliation to the internet. Here goes.

I've always had disgustingly heavy and random periods. Especially in mid-puberty, every single time I was taken by surprise. Like a flood that comes out of nowhere. Anyway, my mother never really taught me how to handle that, or how to be prepared.

Sophomore in high school, second year of latin class. I sat one row over from a guy that I had a huge crush on (of course). We had a habit of staying in the room until everyone had cleared out; chatting with the teacher, debating, etc.

One day, oratory speeches were required. I stood up and recited a short address from Claudius. Mid way through,I felt a tide shift and realized I had about five seconds to sit down, or have the whole class witness blood on my jeans.

I cut my speech short and scurried back to my seat, knowing immediately I was fucked. I should have excused myself right away but all I could do was sit there, frozen. I will never forget this next part.

The guy I crushed on got up for his speech. It was something from a Punic War dispatch, particularly concerning a "blood bath" of killings, beheadings, and trampled soldiers. Descriptions of bloody rivers. After a while, the words sanguis, sanguine,and sanguinum burned onto my brainstem.

As he read his speech, I sat there recreating the red tide. Fast forward to the end of class. All I wanted was for the guy to leave, not hang out, not wait for me. Get out fucker!!

I don't remember how I finally got him to leave; I do remember the teacher left first, and I don't think she knew what was going on. All I know is the second the guy walked out the room, I jumped up to survey the damage.

Literally a huge puddle of blood, as if I had urinated. Frantic, I could not find a single paper towel or napkin in the room. Calculating that I had mere minutes to flee before the next class started, I tried to wipe it up with notebook paper. Not the least bit absorbent. Just left mad streaks. I did the best I could.

I started to leave (with my backpack slung real low); I saw the chalk erasers. I used two of them to clean the seat. Didn't quite finish the job, but enough. I kept the erasers and moved the desk to the other side of the room.

Shame sufficiently hidden, I got the fuck out of there and walked home through the woods.

I'm fairly certain the teacher did the math; she gave me a terribly sympathetic look the next day, but otherwise never spoke of the incident.

That's when I learned to keep supplies on hand at all times, and also how to pay attention to my body and hormones.

TL:DR-- Recreated the red tide in Latin class while sitting next to a dreamy guy. Cleaned it up with chalk erasers.

4. Fake trash cans are a thing, at least at x3theforoufusx3's old boyfriend's house. Why? Unclear.

5. At least Lolabola92 had other women to blame. That's the one good thing about periods.

Okay. God. I thought I didnt have any stories but this one suddenly floated back to my brain -.-

Stayed the night over at my guy friends house and crashed on his futon. I was on my period but it was pretty light so I thought I'd be fine for the night. NOPE. Woke up on his couch and I can FEEL the pool of blood bathing my thighs and ass. As I was crashing in the living room his dad was on the computer watching a movie. He sees me wake up and goes "would you like some coffee?" I say yeah to get him the fuck out of there. He leaves and I straight up jump up to see I got blood all on their navajo inspired blanket. God damn it.

So I mission impossible my way passed their kitchen to the bathroom as blood trickles down my leg. I get to the bathroom and start to clean myself up. No joke the bathroom floor and toilet are COVERED in blood. It looks like a fucking murder took place. So then I cleaned THAT up and made my way back to the living room to deal with the blood stains I covered up with a blanket. I have a wet paper towel as my only line of defense.

His dad left me coffee and left the room. I tackle that stain and do the best I can. I get it to be somewhat hidden (though still pretty obvious) and make up their futon, flipping it so its not noticeable.

I'm sure a few months later they found the mess but my friend had tons of girlfriends (both romantically and friend wise) so now I am only a blip on the radar cue evil laugh

6. What happened to lemonylips has probably also happened in a B-list horror movie about how women are Satan's creatures.

Once I had my period and I was also really strung out on amphetamines and was in my bathroom on my hands and knees throwing up into the toilet. I wasn't wearing a tampon and I dry heaved so hard that I projectile period-ed onto the wall behind me.

7. It's a little questionable that drewjet didn't notice anything different about his girlfriend.

My girlfriend had "finished" her period a day or two earlier. We were messing around late at night in the dark. I went down on her. I was down there for like 10 minutes. Finally she came. I took my face out of there and came back up to kiss her or something. She looks at me, and immediately this look of sheer horror spreads over her face. "Oh my god. Oh my god! Oh my god I'm so sorry!" I'm like WTF?? What the hell could she possibly be apologizing for at a time like this? "Just go look in the mirror."

Major clown face.

8. In a reversal of those events, throw-away-away-away had an evening that ended up unexpectedly colorful.

Hadn't had sex in ~8 months, picked a random attractive guy and went back to his place for good times late at night. After about 20 mins of intercourse with the lights off he pulls out and I start giving him head. Another 5 minutes pass and I notice something on my hand in front of my mouth.

It's blood. I'd bled during sex and was now consuming my own blood off his dick. And it was everywhere. On his abdomen, on my face, the sheets, everywhere.

9. Ah, vmfillpot's story hurts. May cause tears even if you're not PMS-ing.

10. Period poop. flickin_the_bean has experienced this. As has her friend.

11. Lipsting had a few stories. Here's her icky one.

In my homeroom, I sat in someone else's period mess. At the time I assumed it was mine. The embarrassment of cleaning up the mess, and leaving early was all for nothing. Once I return home, I checked, and there was nothing in my panties, or on the inside of my jeans.

12. This other tale from Lipsting is also gross, but has some great imagery.

I was jumping on a trampoline, my pad flew out, and people were trying to dodge it.

13. fishielicious's story will satiate your curiosity about strippers on their period.

Welp, I had a pretty bad one the other day. My most recent period, on the first day of it, I was at work. I'm a stripper, and as you probably know about strippers, we wear barely anything on our nether regions. Generally my periods are pretty weak, so I was wearing this gold g-string, tampon in, thinking, "No worries." Then when I was giving a dance to this guy, I felt the tampon start to leak. I was in the middle of dancing and didn't want to stop/freak him out and lose the money, so I just kept going, counting on it being dark enough that he wouldn't notice the leakage on my panties. After the dance, I told him I needed to go to the bathroom, thinking that would be the end of it, but he wanted me to come back when I was done--only, just as I got up, I noticed that he had a kind of noticeable red stain on his khakis. So I went back to the dressing room, cleaned up and changed tampons and g-strings, and came back out to dance for him again (yeah this is how unwilling I am to leave money on the floor). He had not even fucking noticed! So I started to dance again and AGAIN, in the middle of the dance I felt this tampon just start to leak, like I don't know why the hell this period is suddenly like the fucking Red Sea instead of its typical slow trickle, but it just unleashed all over his pants for the second time in the span of ten minutes. And STILL, he did not notice. He just thanked me, paid for the dances, and left.

I would have felt worse about it, but this guy is a notorious jerk who is a real hassle to deal with and has offended one of my best friends on many occasions--I was like live blogging the whole thing to her. I'm just amazed I got away with it. At least until the next time he comes in.

14. hanbanthirteen discovered that toilet paper doesn't quite do the trick, in front of many people.

When I was around 12 I was playing at a softball tournament. I had already played several games that day and I was miserable, hot and on my period. So back then I was only using pads but I would also use toilet paper as a "makeshift tampon" kind of thing. Well, I was pitching that day and you know, your legs come apart everytime. Eventually it worked it's way all the way out of my vag, my panties and then my sliding shorts. I'm in midstide and my "makeshift tampon" falls out! All I can hear next is my 3rd baseman and all the girls in the opposing team duggout say is, "What is that??" I tried and played it off as, "I don't even know!" and just kicked some dirt on it. But then later my coach comes up and asks, "Is everything okay? Do you need a tampon" So it was a lot more noticeable than I hoped.

TL;DR- Had a makeshift tampon fall out while pitching. Everyone saw.

15. A classic "I didn't know how to use a tampon" story, from dangleDar.

In sixth grade gym class I went to shoot a basket and my tampon fell out on the floor. Before anyone asks how this is possible, it probably wouldn't be if I knew how to put a tampon in correctly, but it was my first week wearing tampons (after about a year of periods). To top it off, I wouldn't let my mom show me how to use one and told her I already knew how and had been using them for a long time, so when I called my mom and told her to come get me she said it must've been because my muscles were so strong from swim team that it just shot right out.

I'm humiliated still, 12 years later.

Middle school girls clearly need a better education when it comes to feminine care. Then again, as many of these stories came from ladies over the age of 14, it apparently doesn't get that much better. Cheers to women bonding over the universally awful experience that is Shark Week/Aunt Flo/whatever else ladies call their period. 

People are criticizing Hillary Clinton for getting a $600 haircut at the fancy department store Bergdorf Goodman. 

The sea levels are rising, as are the number of mass shooting victims. North Korea can now put their nukes on missiles. Women continue to make significantly less than men for the same exact job. More importantly, though, Hillary Clinton, a highly visible and wealthy Democratic candidate for President, got an expensive haircut with her own money. This is how her hair looks:

Wait, sorry, that's a picture of a refugee camp on the Greek border. Ugh, sorry! Here is her haircut:

There, that's better. This haircut (which will be seen by more people than have ever looked at your hair) is a very important issue, as these people know:

So glad to inform you today.

Harper Beckham, the 4-year-old daughter of soccer player David Beckham and Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham, received a mani-pedi while out and about in Beverly Hills. For most 4-year-olds, this would be a fun treat. But Harper is over that sh*t.

Why so serious, Harper? Is your lawyer coming over later to mediate a dispute between your stuffed animals and your American Girl dolls? Are your Goldfish crackers not gluten-free? Did all the spots fill up at your SoulTricycle class?

You're pretending you don't hear this, aren't you. Fine.

When cute members of the human species (kids) happen to be connected to those getting married, the little ones can make adorable additions to the wedding ceremonies. Unless they ruin everything, which this tiny tot almost did. Lucky for him, he's very adorable.

At first this kid is precious because he evidently has some vague notion of what he's supposed to be doing and he takes his job very seriously. Then somewhere along the way he's like, "Screw this, I have better things to do, like poop my pants," so he just tosses the rings. He whips them at the ground like they're no better than dog poop. Actually, this kid probably thinks more highly of dog poop than those rings.

Fortunately for the bride and groom, there's no evidence that the rings suffered any harm. And knowing all the accouterments receptions typically have, there was probably something else for the little child to happily throw at guests later in the evening.

Optical illusions: people love them because they break your brain like drugs. But unlike drugs, illusions are free, they don't show up on drug tests, and you can't overdose on them (probably). The latest illusion making people on the Internet scream with hazy delight and confusion is this video from Viner Kevin Parry where he appears to be throwing a ball to his own reflection in the mirror.

Is he the first social-media savvy sorcerer? While that would be great, the answer appears to be much more mundane, as commenter Rad Dlugowski pointed out: "There are two people," Rad noted. He continued: "You can tell because the motions of the 'reflected' phone don't match the changes in perspective of the recording phone."

Well, fine. THANKS FOR RUINING MAGIC, RAD.

On Wednesday, State Supreme Court Justice Shirley Werner Kornreich dismissed singer Kesha's appeal to be let go from her contract with Sony and producer Dr. Luke (Lukasz Gottwald), whom she alleges physically and sexually assaulted and emotionally abused her. In her appeal, Kesha's lawyer Mark Geragos argued that keeping her under contract was not unlike “slavery,” because Kesha's career would be dependent on her working with Dr. Luke. 

Meanwhile, Sony wants the whole case thrown out, and the judge has ruled in their favor again. According to TMZ, Judge Kornreich doesn't agree that Kesha is trapped, reasoning that she could choose another Sony producer with whom to work. (Kesha's concern with that, though, is that she's worried Sony won't promote her music if she chooses to work with another producer.)

As for the 29-year-old's claims that Dr. Luke physically assaulted her in 2005 and 2008, the judge dismissed those based on the statute of limitations.

And regarding Kesha's claims of emotional abuse, the judge stated: “Her claims of insults about her value as an artist, her looks and her weight are insufficient to constitute extreme, outrageous conduct intolerable in civilized society."

Kesha also asserted that she was the victim of a hate crime against women, to which the judge responded:

Although [Luke's] alleged actions were directed to Kesha, who is female, [her claims] do not allege that [Luke] harbored animus toward women or was motivated by gender animus when he allegedly behaved violently toward Kesha. . . Every rape is not a gender-motivated hate crime.

Wednesday's ruling was for an appeal in New York; Kesha apparently had a similar appeal pending for L.A., but TMZ reports that that's been put on hold. So what does this mean for Kesha and her career? There were rumors that Sony was letting Dr. Luke go, but Dr. Luke says he's not getting fired. Either way, for now it seems she's stuck in this contract that requires her to make six more albums with Sony.

What could be simpler than opening a beer? All it takes is a quick snap of an opener, and—voilà—the alcoholic beverage is ready for consumption. In some situations, sure, you might not have an opener, thus demanding must-know life hacks like using a door.

In other insistences, however, people go way to far out of their way to crack open bottles just for their sake of entertaining themselves. Too often, the cost of these weird opening techniques is a decent amount of beer. And time. So much time.

1. A turtle could've opened a beer in the time it took this excavator to move.

2. That does not seem like a comfortable place to shove a beer.

3. A waste of time, but a cool waste of time.

4. This could easily go very wrong.

5. Put your dog to use by endangering his teeth.

6. What skateboarding is all about.

7. Finally, a purpose for all those old CDs you have.

8. This requires some accuracy.

9. A bottle of beer is not worth your iPhone.

10. This seems like it would never work.

11. That's 20 seconds this guy won't ever get back.

12. This video is more useful if you want to waste all your beer by way of a blowtorch.

13. This mostly seems like a good way to break two bottles of beer.

14. There must be so many outtakes from this day.

15. There is a reason people buy keychain openers.

And there you have it—15 party tricks that will have people saying, "Dear lord, please take this beer opener and never let it out of your sight."

Happy National Beer Day, everybody! While you may not need an excuse to drink beer, obscure holidays like this one have become all the rage in the last few years. To get to the bottom of the craze, CBS This Morning's Michelle Miller interviewed the people who exploit it every day: the founders and staff of Someecards!

What's your favorite weird holiday? More Herbs, Less Salt Day? National Talk Like a Pirate Day? Or Father's Day? The list goes on.

This segment isn't the first time CBS has taken interest in Someecards. Check out this piece from 2011!

Wednesday night, Jimmy Kimmel ran his patented (probably not-actually-patented) Unnecessary Censorship segment and Senator Bernie Sanders was undoubtedly the star. “What Republican candidates have now stooped to is to start f*****g each other’s wives.” 

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, as well as Finn the Human from Adventure Time (a kids' TV show that Kimmel turns R-rated) also make delightful appearances.

In case you're a Bernie fan and want to see a more Hillary-focused Kimmel-censorship attack, check out this one: 

A few weeks ago, Irene went on a family cruise and donned a trendy high-waisted, polka-dotted bikini she'd picked up from Lady Watego in Australia, BuzzFeed reported. Irene is a 90-year-old grandmother and mother of 10 children. Irene is fabulous.

the gorgeous 90 year old Irene on her family cruise wearing her @seafollyaustralia spot on bikini-never too old for a bikini. Love
‪#‎ladywatego‬ ‪#‎ballina‬#seafollyaustralia ‪#‎bikini‬#nevertooold 

That woman knows how to pose. The bikini's maker, Seafolly, should hire her and be grateful that the staff at Irene's care home talked her into buying a bikini.

The suit is very Taylor Swift-esque, circa her 2012 days as a Kennedy-wannabe.

Maybe Irene is a glimpse into Taylor's future?

Like Taylor Swift, Irene is a hit with everybody.

People would be lucky to look as stylish as Irene now, and not only at age 90. 

On Monday, The New York Times published an interview with Gwyneth Paltrow, 43-year-old GOOP goddess, about her beauty routine. Paltrow describes herself as "always the guinea pig to try everything." She's even tried letting bees sting her face (really, who hasn't?). She told the Times:

I’ve been stung by bees. It’s a thousands of years old treatment called apitherapy. People use it to get rid of inflammation and scarring. It’s actually pretty incredible if you research it. But, man, it’s painful. I haven’t done cryotherapy yet, but I do want to try that.

Bee stings! Finally, something the rest of us can afford. Just wait for a nice summer day, follow Winnie the Pooh into the forest, and plant your face into the first hive you find.

Paltrow's routine contained all sorts of great-sounding, expensive, non-toxic products that most people will never try. Toxic makeup only, for the masses.

Also, what is cryology? Is that where you just cry a lot, and hope your tears are having a wonderfully regenerative effect on your skin? Because that's probably another one for the masses.