It turns out that Siri is as big a Game of Thronesnerd as you are: if you ask the iPhone bot whether departed fan favorite Jon Snow is really dead in the upcoming season of the HBO TV show, she starts throwing inside jokes at you.
For example, there's this answer. If you ask Siri "Is Jon Snow dead?" she quotes show co-creator Dan Weiss, who said of Snow "Dead is dead," the Drowned God religion credo "What is dead may never die," and Tyrion Lannister, "Death is so terribly final":
(Nerds, please forgive the misspelling of Jon Snow's name; Siri spells things how she chooses.)
Ask her again, and you get a new answer. This time, she quotes Arya's "dancing" instructor, Syrio Forel:
Here she worries about Jon Snow's direwolf:
This answer, on the other hand, is just some Apple geekiness, which is an altogether different flavor of geekiness than the Game of Thrones variety:
Will Melisandre have to hold down Jon Snow's home button and power button at the same time? Tune in April 24 to find out.
Little Marco and Lyin' Ted Cruz are going to have to take a backseat to Dodgy Dave, the insult hurled at British Prime Minister David Cameron by an 84-year-old member of Parliament named Dennis Skinner. This resulted in a televised row that has since gone viral, as the unapologetic octogenarian was first ordered to withdraw the adjective (apparently it's fine to call the Prime Minister "Dave"), and then ordered to leave Parliament after he repeated the insult.
The video is highly entertaining, and a reminder that Parliament is way, way more fun than the US Congress*, especially during Prime Minister's Questions, which is when representatives get to directly question the nation's leader. That's when this took place.
The reason Dave is being called dodgy right in that moment has to do with his recently-disclosed tax returns showing a write-off for relocating from the posh Notting Hill neighborhood to the Prime Minister's residence at 10 Downing Street. He also currently receives a large rental income from that Notting Hill home.
More broadly, he's being called dodgy due to the Panama Papers, the massive data leak from a shady Panamanian law firm Mossack Fonseca that is shedding light on how the world's wealthy and powerful hide money in offshore shell corporations. Cameron, a member of the Conservative Party (aka the Tories), sold shares in one of these corporations owned by his late father shortly before becoming Prime Minister.
The furor has led Cameron to take the unprecedented (for a British Prime Minister) step of releasing his tax returns back to 2009. Most controversial in that disclosure was a (legal) $285,000 tax-free gift from his mother last year. All this has overshadowed the tax policies Cameron wants to get through Parliament, which include stiffer penalties on companies whose employees use illegal tax shelters (Cameron's, although "dodgy," was by no means illegal). It also threatens the upcoming vote on Britain's membership in the EU. Any damage to Cameron, who advocates keeping Britain in the European Union, could weaken the already shaky support for staying. That, in turn, raises the odds of Scottish secession (Scotland could rejoin the EU on its own). Basically, it's all pretty dodgy right now.
* You're not allowed to directly call other members dishonest in either Parliament or the US Congress. This is one of the reasons Ted Cruz's coworkers don't like him—he called Mitch McConnell a liar on the Senate floor, which is against the rules. It's fine to do outside, but not on the floor.
You know what they say: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." Chris Pratt is making sure that his son never goes hungry, by, in addition to being one of the biggest movie stars in the world, teaching him to fish.
Pratt, Anna Faris, and their son Jack had a chill Sunday, boarding a private jet and heading off on a fishing trip. Pratt was really humble and grateful about this lucky journey on a "PJ," as he calls it, writing, "So blessed and fortunate and still embracing how fantastic this is."
Air traffic control. Got to take a jet. Which is the pinnacle of luxury travel. So blessed and fortunate and still embracing how fantastic this is. Some people lose that. I don't think I will. Who knows? I hope not to.
Pratt Snapchatted from the sky.
Jack enjoyed the journey with cool headphones and feasting on some Teddy Grahams.
Once they arrived at their destination, Pratt coached Jack on how to fish, and Jack had the most adorable reactions.
This kid will be my partner in the bass masters pro am when he's old enough. We'll take the bass fishing world by storm. Tag me with picks of monster bass. Cmon! They're spawning!
On April 9, Lance Burgos was fishing with his daughter (who is behind him in the boat) at Lake Fausse Point State Park in St. Martinville, Louisiana, when he felt something big at the end of the line. He thought it might be a catfish, because catfish can be enormous, but the huge mouth full of terrifying teeth that popped up out of the water instead proved him wrong.
As soon as he realizes that there's actually an alligator at the end of the line, he yells, "Oh my god! That's a big ass gator, buddy. That is a big gator," and starts furiously paddling away.
You can't really be too surprised when something like that turns up on the end of your line when you're fishing in Louisiana. In Louisiana, alligators are everywhere—swamps, golf courses, restaurants, probably even in some hotel beds (unsubstantiated).
NOT A CATFISH!
"Whooo!" he yells, as they paddle away, "That'll get your blood flowing!" Yes, that's one way to look at it. The alligator biting off his hand would also be another thing that'd get his blood flowing, though, so maybe not the best choice of words.
Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio made a joke at a charity fundraiser referencing "colored people time," and it's understandably making people upset. That sound you're hearing right now is the thud of millions of Democrats hitting their heads against their desks.
Here is the clip of the "comedy" routine, which is mostly a conversation between de Blasio and Leslie Odom, Jr.—who plays Aaron Burr in the hit musical Hamilton. According to Jezebel, the routine involving Odom was a surprise, which may explain its half-baked dialogue. How bad was the joke? It overshadowed the terrible rap de Blasio did to introduce Clinton, in which he called her his "home girl." The Clinton appearance starts near 7:30 (and honestly, just skip to that because the first 7 minutes are exquisitely unfunny):
In the routine, De Blasio apologizes for being late to endorse Hillary Clinton because he was on "C.P. time." "C.P. time" is "colored people time" and is based on a stereotype about black people being tardy.
When De Blasio says this, Odom, who is black, says "I don't like jokes like that, Bill."
"Cautious politician time," Clinton says. "I've been there."
Obviously, people on Twitter weren't happy about this:
Here are two rules that, if followed, will make the world a much safer place:
1. Kids, lock your doors.
2. Parents, knock.
Here are 21 stories, culled from several different Reddit threads, that prove the very fabric of society is at stake when anyone ignores these very simple guidelines. It's funny until it happens to you.
Thanks Phoebe.
1. Not all the stories are as intensely NSFW as this one from Leumasperron.
2. But here's a tame one from awsears25 to break up the sex stories.
When I was about 6 I was in the bath trying to put Barbie's arm up my vagina. I knew it was awkward then and I still do now.
4. From a thread asking moms to share something they'll never tell their kids comes Arianafer's tale of an unsanitary chew toy.
Gnawing on his aunts vibrator. We were visiting from out of town and he was exploring the house, found it on her bedside table and walked out chewing on it. I'll never tell him because it would embarrass his dad more than I care about it embarassing him.
When I was six years old, I had a playmate who was two years older than me. And we used to play, "the rape game" in which one of us would pin down the other one and scissor her... Umm... Once my mom came home and found us two girls scissoring in the middle of the living room. Of course, in shock, she said "What are you doing?". And although my friend tried to shut me up, I replied "The rape game"... And she never mentioned this again... In my life, after kind of being... I mean she did tell me not to do it. But afterwards, she never talked about it again.
Thanks, Plankton.
6. Not so embarrassing, but worth it. This mom essentially walked in on her daughter becoming a marine biologist.
When my daughter was 4 years old, she got into our DVD collection and snuck out the movie Jaws to watch in her pink Barbie TV and DVD player.
At first I thought she must have thought it was just a fish movie and it probably scared her....nope, she loved it. I asked her if it was scary watching those people getting eaten and she said it wasn't because sharks need to eat too.
Later I got her a large, pillowy, stuffed shark and she would sleep with that instead of the normal teddy bear like most kids. Her favorite toy to take on trips in the car was a plastic shark she got at Sea World.
She is 15 now and wants to be an ocean biologist and study sharks. She still has the stuffed shark on her bed every night.
7. Youreawizardhailley learned about her daughter's secret talent. She was probably jealous.
8. Here's another story about a chew toy gone horribly vibrator from trillbabe.
I had this little pink vibrator, my dog grabbed it out of my room and started chewing in it in the living room. Then it started to vibrate and she got so scared she peed. Then i came home and my mom looked terrorized, said, "Luna was chewing on that pink... THING in your room." And I just started laughing. Awk.
9. Actually a cute moment from the terrifyingly named jcsatan.
I don't remember myself, but my parents loooove to tell me about the time they found me dancing naked on the kitchen table to the final jeopardy music at age 2 or 3 .
10. This mom needs to get a new babysitter. Or new kids. These two are devils in training.
11. At least AmericanLad still has the self-confidence to refer to his own "elegant body."
12. As of press time, DMBumper is still not a Super Saiyan.
Mine would have to be when,during a commercial break, I started powering up like a saiyan, but only with little quiet whisper yells. I was still sitting down.
When I was done I saw my mom standing in the doorway just watching me for God knows how long.
So all she saw was some 9-10 year old, sitting down, looking up and going "hyaaahhhhh! Hah hah.... Ahhhhhhhhhh!"
For reference.
13. She just walked in on lincunguns' tape measure, but it's awkward enough that his dad knows what he's using it for.
Well when I was younger, I saw a black laced bra lying on the floor...
I thought to myself, How would this look on me?
So I went to the bathroom, and stood in front of the mirror to try it on. Unfortunately for me, I forgot to lock the door, and my dad walked in on me... topless with a black bra on.
(Im a guy btw).
15. It's been long enough since the last masturbation story, so here's MadLintElf.
It's a toss up between 7 year old me being caught by mom and dad with a vacuum on my penis and 16 year old me being caught masturbating with headphones on and my head covered by a pillow.
7 year old me wanted to know how a blow job felt, and 17 year old me knew they were going to a party (car broke down 2 blocks from the house).
Well, I was pressing my penis on the slide windowed doors, because I saw two girls in the building next to ours. I was 4-5 years old.
He explains:
Everyone knows that.
17. Igotthepowah does not want the government unlocking her iPhone.
18. Rewnpdx isn't hiding anything from his parents. They've got great communication.
"Caught" doesn't apply
But when I was younger I walked it into the living room and said
"I need bigger condoms", and walked away
19. Uncledavid95 had that rare experience of actually being able to explain away the images on his computer.
20. This girl's dad seems to live for these moments.
21. And before you go, just remember that Siri is people too. Lostmyseamen forgot.
Yes, these were embarrassing. But unfortunately, as soon as these kids grow up, they'll realize it was nothing compared to the pain of meeting their significant others' parents for the first time.
The logistics of being with another actor are challenging.There has to be a real understanding of how you share your time, especially when two people's careers are going at the same rate. Or even if one person is more successful than the other, that also proves challenging. There may be a competitive thing.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BD8HrU3iBb6/
Johansson also touched on the difficulties of marriage between actors in Parade magazine last April, describing dating another actor as "volatile."
There’s always going to be the more successful person. It’s related to rejection. Because actors, if they’re not having success, connect it directly to unpopularity — to the fact that nobody wants them... [Marriage] takes a lot of work. It takes a man who’s not only confident in the love that you have for one another, but confident in what he has going on in his own career.
Both the exes are now happily remarried. Johansson to art curator Roman Dauriac, and Reynolds to Blake Lively.
Either Reynolds doesn't feel threatened by Lively's career, or he got less competitive in the interim.
Black Widow doesn't let whiny dudes get in her way.
If the plethora of other jokes about Jared Fogle this past year have clouded your memory, here's the bit that got many people upset with C.K. last year (watch the whole thing here).
Child molesters are very tenacious people. They love molesting childs! It’s crazy! It’s like, their favorite thing! I mean it’s so crazy, because when you consider the risk in being a child molester — speaking of not even the damage you’re doing — but the risk, there is no life worse available to a human than being a caught child molester. And yet they still do it! Which you can only really surmise that it must be really good! I mean, from their point-of-view!
In his talk with Stern, C.K. didn't seem as shocked about Jared's pedophilia as the radio host did.
HS: How shocking Jared from Subway turned out to be a pedophile?
CK: Why? Why is that shocking? Did you know him to be a non-pedophile before that? Anybody could be a pedophile.
HS: Well, you know what it is? When I see someone who hit the lottery the way this kid did, he lost some weight, a lot people lose weight in this country…and he ends up making millions. He was a multi-millionaire from the fucking Subway commercials. That’s it…I don’t care what you have wrong with you, when you get a couple of million for doing absolutely nothing but losing weight, you behave yourself.
CK: Yeah, but you’re proving the point of the bit that I did. That no matter what, he’s gotta get that kid fuck. Which just tells you, it must be amazing. It must be a huge payoff.
Dark, uncomfortable truths are Louis C.K.'s most fruitful muse.
Listen to the whole interview below, where the two discuss Horace and Peteand the comedian's visit with Joe Pesci, which was full of wonderful life advice such as Pesci telling the comedian to never perform stand-up comedy again.
On Saturday, 12-year-old Beau Dermott gave a performance on Britain's Got Talent that blew everyone away. She performed "Defying Gravity" from the musical "Wicked," and it was so good she might just be a witch. OK, so she's probably not a witch, but she's good enough that she actually charmed Simon Cowell (who is a witch). It's always incredible to see a young singer kill a song that most adults can't do.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEKIJpVppKE
The show now features a golden buzzer, which each judge can use once during the auditions. Dermott earned it, and will no doubt be a musical theater sensation in London or on Broadway very soon.
At 70 years old, many women are have trouble taking the stairs. Tomoko, a 70-year-old Japanese woman living in Italy, is a pole dancer. And a damn good one. Watch her completely wow the judges of Italia's Got Talentin nothing but underwear. Also, just as a warning, one of the judges indulges in some cringeworthy stereotypes about Japanese people and elderly women, but that, carissimi, is Italy.
The MTV movie awards were last night, and all of the hottest young celebs were in attendance. (And also Jayden Smith's Dad.) This awards show is like the Oscars for people who know how to use Snapchat. The laid-back vibe gives stars the opportunity to take some fun fashion risks so that we may harshly judge them from the comfort of our own sweatpants. Some red carpet fashions turned heads, and others turned stomachs. Here are some of the worst (followed by a few of the best) looks from last night.
1. Charlize Theron
This dress looks like it's in the process of being eaten by moths.
2. Gigi Hadid
Looks like if Peg from 'Lady and the Tramp' became a manager at Forever 21.She wishes.
3. Lizzy Caplan
If you stand with enough confidence, no one will notice they ran out of sequins.
4. Kendall Jenner
Finally something to do with all of those old cassette tapes.
5. Halsey
Looks like it's business casual day at the circus.
6. Jessica Chastain
This is perfect dress for taking a saloon girl novelty photo at Silver Dollar City.
7. Holland Roden
Sorry, this looked so much better on Blanche.You've got that right.
8. Emilia Clarke
Face it, even the faces on this dress don't want to be there.
9. Tyler Posey
Weird thing is, he sleeps in a tux.
10. Keltie Knight
Looks like when a three year old dresses herself for the first time.
11. Mike Posner
It's glaringly obvious what's wrong with this outfit... Bare ankles.
Now, let's take a look at a few celebrities who got it right last night.
Here is a video featuring 1,200 human beings, attached to mattresses falling down like a chain of dominos as part of a managers meeting for Aaron’s Inc., an appliance and electronics company. According to Guinness World Records, this was the largest human mattress domino chain of its kind. You might expect this video to be along the lines of other mesmerizing viral videos, like the one featuring 6,000 matches igniting each other or the ones showing how to make Jello that looks like a gallon of milk. And it is weird and watchable, to be sure. But something about it is also kind of sad.
Maybe it's the blue uniforms that inspire sadness? Their IDs on lanyards? How it triggers memories of all the times you were forced by your employers to engage in mandatory fun? How human beings falling down like dominos in the course of their workday is so perfect a metaphor for the decline of manufacturing jobs in America?
Attention, Internet: you may now retire the "high after wisdom teeth removal" genre after these two older brothers convinced poor little Millicent that a zombie outbreak had started. Just hearing that over-the-top summary might make you call "fake," but these brothers—and apparently, their mom—went to extreme lengths to pull this off. This is the ultimate older-brother prank.
It begins with a CD on the drive home from the dentist. It plays a recording of a radio station interrupted by the Emergency Broadcast System announcing a virus outbreak with symptoms like fever, aggression, death, and cannibalism. It only escalates from there, with the brothers staging a rush home to rescue what they can, all the while forcing Millicent to make all the tough calls.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hVWEefD5ag
Most impressively, although she's basically hallucinating the entire time, Millicent is a ruthless survivor when it comes to these decisions. Go back for mom? "We're not the U.S. Marines, can't we just go?" Dog or cat? "THE CAT, YOU IDIOT!" She's also very unhappy with the "weapon" they give her.
Baba Avtar Singh lives in the Punjab region of India, where he is well-known for his immense (and immensely badass) turbans, which involve a half-mile of fabric and 100 lbs. of metal and bead ornaments. Most Sikh men wear a turban as a demonstration of their faith and also to protect their hair, which they are not supposed to cut. But this amazing turban comes with a cost, however: two hours of maintenance every day. And, presumably, back pain. Still, it's hard to deny that Mr. Singh looks incredibly cool on his motorcycle while wearing this masterpiece along with a sword and shield. There's a good reason everyone in town wants a picture with him, and also why he gets respect (and help getting up and down) from his religious peers:
