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Article 56


A climber filmed himself strolling up a 300-foot ridge and didn't lose his lunch. But you will.

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Thanks to Rumble user GrahamBC, you can now live vicariously through the eyes of a madman ascending the corkscrew summit of Ancient Art, a true daredevil's climbing route in Fisher Towers, Utah. If you think the climb up is nerve-wracking, be sure to clear your lunch off the computer screen for this maniac's climb down.

Plane gets hit by a bird, returns to airport looking like it was punched by Superman.

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An American Airlines flight destined for Texas found a new destiny after it was struck on the nose by a bird shortly after taking off from Seattle-Tacoma International Airport on Wednesday. The Airbus 321 was forced to turn around and land back at Sea-Tac to assess the damage. And once they did assess it, the results were shocking.

What the hell? What kind of bird makes a dent like that? A California condor? A Game of Thrones dragon? One of those really fat pigeons that always hangs out by the old people in the park? Or maybe it was Anthony Mackie as Falcon.

That would be one hell of a deleted scene.

For reference, here is what an A321 looks like normally:

Note that no part of the nose is concave. That helps with wind resistance.

Apparently, despite the giant dent in the nose of the plane, there were no injuries sustained by any of the passengers or crew. But that bird is definitely dead. That's got to be the deadest bird on the planet. That bird would have to be Jason Voorhees to survive a hit like that. Just look:

RIP bird. But long live that plane, which is surprisingly safe despite looking like a boxer who got his nose busted too many times.

Beyoncé is cashing in on the haters who want to boycott her.

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Beyoncé not only turns lemons into Lemonade, but turns her haters into motivators. Queen Bey is selling these "Boycott Beyoncé" T-shirts as merchandise for her Formation World Tour as a tongue-in-cheek way of making a buck off of all the people who spoke out against her. They go for 45 dollars a pop, meaning she is taking all that hate and turning it into cold hard cash. 

Beyoncé has been no stranger to controversy this year. Like when she first performed her song "Formation" with back up dancers wearing sexy Black Panther-inspired outfits at the Super Bowl this past February. People got offended at the thought-provoking performance and accused Beyoncé of being anti-police. With all the might this sad, confused group of people could muster, they tried to organize an anti-Beyoncé rally. Unfortunately for them, only three protesters showed up.

Then there was the incident where Javier Ortiz, Miami Fraternal Order of Police president, urged police officers to boycott Beyoncé's shows in Miami. Well that didn't go over well either, because according to Pitchfork, the concert was fully staffed with officers. 

If you want to keep hating on Beyoncé, go right ahead. She doesn't really seem to mind.

Article 52

University of Washington posts handy, offensive tips for cheerleading tryouts on their Facebook page.

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On April 25, the University of Washington in Seattle posted a flyer for its upcoming cheerleader tryouts on Facebook, listing some "do's" and "dont's" for potential new Huskies cheerleaders. The post featured a thin, white, blond woman wearing very little clothing, and gave a few helpful tips on how to dress and look, like "no ponytails," "no nude lips," "no nail polish," and "no visible tattoos." And, apparently, "be a thin, white woman wearing very little clothing."

What exactly is "girl about town lipstick"?

The Seattle Times spoke with UW senior Signe Burchim, who said“I think it’s really upsetting and kind of disheartening the way it’s basically asking these women who want to try out to perform their femininity—but not too much.” She added that a message like this would never go out to men trying out for a sport.

The newspaper also emailed with UW student Jazmine Perez, the director of programming for student government, who wrote: "I can’t believe this is real. One of the first things that comes mind is objectification and idealization of Western beauty, which are values I would like to believe the University doesn’t want to perpetuate. As a student of color who looks nothing like the student in the poster, this feels very exclusive."

Sure, every team has a uniform, and team players are expected to adhere to some standards of appearance. But the actual football players would never be given rules about visible tattoos (it's Seattle, for god's sake), or be required to wear fake eyelashes or blow out their hair. That "bronze, beachy glow" would be awfully hard for anyone not white to pull off. And vague stipulations like a "physically fit, athletic physique" can mean a lot of different thing to a lot of different people.

The post started receiving backlash online immediately and was removed the next morning, after university officials “determined that some of the details and descriptions provided were inconsistent with the values of the UW spirit program and department of athletics.” After all, cheerleading is supposed to be a sport, not a modeling competition.

Fan films Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros in concert. Then the lead singer is like 'Give me that camera.' It works out.

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If Broadway legend Patti Lupone taught the world anything, it is that many performers hate to have cameras shoved in their face while they are performing. So when Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros front man Alex Ebert grabbed concert goer Samuel Garza's GoPro, you would almost expect him to start stomping on it and yelling something like "I SAID NO PICTURES!!" Instead, he gave Garza a home video that he will probably show to his grandchildren one day.

The band was in the middle of their set at Coachella when Ebert motioned for the camera. When Garza handed it over, Ebert walked around to film his band members, then his own sweaty face. Then he hopped off stage to give some hugs to audience members.

Being in the front row, you would think that Garza had the best view in the whole place, but it turns out looking out over the crowd from onstage is breathtaking.

Article 49


Girl goes viral with Yik Yak story of getting sweet sleepover revenge on her 4th grade nemesis.

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On Yik Yak (that social media app you don't use), one girl shared a rousing tale of vindication that will probably inspire the next YA bestseller. To truly appreciate this story, it's best to re-enter the psyche of your fourth-grade self. Take a deep breath, release your adult worries, and become nine once again.

A classic example of those mean girls you'd go home and write in your diary about.

These are your priorities: scented erasers, really tight ponytails, graphic tees, and sleepovers. Sleepovers: the ultimate public display of social hierarchy. At the tender age of nine, you, like this girl, knew it to be true. OK, now you are ready to read the story of The Sleepover. 

Non-popular girls everywhere can appreciate this story and what it has to offer: revenge.

Stand up and give this girl a round of applause.

Inclusivity, as the girl learned, is cool. And it's a great, conniving tool for ensuring someone gets their comeuppance.

Usher posted a nude pic on Snapchat because Usher completely understands Snapchat.

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If you've come to see Usher's penis, welcome. You made it. But just as Usher orchestrated in a super-long Snapchat story Thursday that ended in his dingus, you'll have to make it all the way to the end before you see it. In the story, Usher led his loyal followers through an uneventful day.

First you had to see Usher look at things.

No Usher, *you* are the masterpiece.

And you had to look at what might be a cartoon of Usher, with a suspicious doodle where his nose should be that foreshadows the photo to come.

Presumably, the 8-year-old is Bieber.

Then, and only then, were you treated to Usher's penis, artfully covered by the sweating emojij. Except it wasn't really covered, and you could still see the tip and the shaft, which is why Someecards has assisted in some additional censorship.

Snapchat originally let people take photos to send to their friends, and they would disappear after 10 seconds or so. These days, though, everything lasts forever. Especially the image of Usher's penis wearing an emoji. You cannot get that out of your brain.

Not even with the veins that lead to Usher's penis.

💪🏾 workin hard so I can eat this 🦃

A photo posted by Usher (@usher) on

Guy awaiting surgery writes encouraging and vaguely threatening note for his doctor on his leg.

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Redditor Nathan Hess went in for a hip replacement and wanted it to go well, so he left a mini pep talk on the side of his leg for his doctor to read before slicing him open. "I'm told the doctor and staff got a kick out of it," Hess wrote. Of course, he himself was physically unable to get a kick out of his own joke.

That's kind of him to send his doctor well-wishes.

Redditors were speculating what type of note the doctor himself should've written back in response. 

amc111's note is good for a surgical mishap.

Oops I accidentally put the hip in backwards. I'm sure everything will be fine though. Love Dr. surgeon

ChubbyWordsmith crafted a note for is Hess became a human marvel.

Operation great success - third hip added to torso, no problem. Love Dr. Surgeon

Hess isn't the only person to have ever written a note on their body before surgery. Imgurian dmandasatisfaction shared that she said goodbye to her boob with some humor.

I wrote "traitor" on my boob before they mastectomy'd it

Hulsey wanted to make sure his doctor knew what he was doing.

When I had knee surgery last year I wrote on the opposite knee "wrong one! cut the other one!" 

Apparently Hulsey's nurse didn't appreciate the note, though, and washed it off so his doctor wouldn't get confused. If that's the type of message that could've confused his doctor, than Hulsey probably should've gotten a second opinion about surgery. 

15 hilarious energy drink reviews that will remind you caffeine is definitely a drug.

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Energy drinks: are they humanity's savior, or coffee that was irradiated with gamma rays until it became the beverage version of The Incredible Hulk—mean, uncontrollable, and garishly colored for no apparent reason? Whether you're a monster for Monster or start shaking the moment caffeine touches your lips, you can appreciate these energy drink reviews from people who have flown too close to the caffeinated sun. And above all, remember this: never, ever drink an entire bottle of Redline. 

This is what you look like after one sip of the stuff. 

1. Those pros kind of seem worth it. 

God can't help you. Caffeine is your god now.

2. Some people like 'freak out stuff' in the bedroom.

She's a super freak out, super freak out.

3. Energy and poop, together at last.

Wait, he has a timer just for meat?

4. You can only try for yourself. 

Seriously, you can't try for someone else.

5. Apparently, his measurement for how good something is depends on how many heart attacks it gives him.

"And that's why I give The Force Awakens four out of five heart attacks."

6. Well, energy's still energy.

Hey-o!

7. "Babies 400 babies!"

Seriously, that's a lot of babies.

8. Bet that's a great Powerpoint.

When he looked at the Powerpoint the next day, every slide just said "TODAY IS THE DAY OF RECKONING" paired with a different gif of a lesser Baldwin brother.

9. Moderation, part two.

The first secret to the universe he learned: never buy an energy drink with a name that dumb.

10. A very personal review about the different "flavorits."

It's just so hard to get these flocks on of bed in the morning.

11. "NO ADVERSE EFFICIENT."

Either "junk" refers to coffee, or energy drinks have stopped her from masturbating. 

12. 5 Hour Energy is a terrible faucet.

Pomegranate 5 Hour Energy is not true brass. :(

13. Great new product idea. 

Then again, "1 hour 30 minute energy" might just be called "coffee."

14. Seems like this didn't go well.

*plays rimshot*

15. And finally, this very Buddhist review. 

The primary cause of suffering in life is attachment. The secondary cause of suffering is a shit-ton of caffeine.

Princeton professor shares his CV of failures to show that even intimidatingly successful people fail.

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A professor at Princeton recently shared a complete CV of his failures to show that even Princeton professors blow it sometimes, which is some awesome schadenfreude. 

Johannes Haushofer​ is an Assistant Professor of Psychology and Public Affairs at that little-known school somewhere in New Jersey. With a PhD in psychology from Harvard, you'd think he'd have it made, and his mother would never have any reason to be disappointed. But things have been tough behind the scenes.

Fancy school with fancy flagpole.

Structured like a regular resume, the CV of Failures features sections titled "Degree programs I did not get into," "Research funding I did not get," and "Paper rejections from academic journals."

He is also handsome, but that is irrelevant.

"Most of what I try fails, but these failures are often invisible, while the successes are visible. I have noticed that this sometimes gives others the impression that most things work out for me," Professor Haushofer wrote.

"As a result, they are more likely to attribute their own failures to themselves, rather than the fact that the world is stochastic, applications are crapshoots, and selection committees and referees have bad days. This CV of Failures is an attempt to balance the record and provide some perspective."

Behold, the invisible rejections behind a successful academic:

Same, Johannes. Same.

It's a good thing he had Harvard as a safety school.

Professor Haushofer has been facing rejection for years, but unless you're running for office, people usually aren't aware of the jobs you don't get. 

Rejection spans the globe.

And the most powerful statement of all is the kicker:

Meta-Failures

2016 — This darn CV of Failures has received way more attention than my entire body of academic work

Someone posted a photo of a urinal in a 'Target' women's room as a protest. But it's not Target.

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On Friday, Facebook user Kathleen Crawford posted a picture she claimed was a Target women's bathroom with recently added urinals (her post said the Target was "north of LA," though she probably didn't mean Los Angeles, since her Facebook profile indicates she lives somewhere in Washington State). Crawford likely posted it because Target recently announced that it would allow transgender customers and employees to use bathrooms and changing rooms that match their gender identities. The picture gained a lot of attention, and was shared on Facebook over 15,000 times:

A Target spokesperson told BuzzFeedthat it is not a picture of their bathroom, and that they are not putting urinals in women's rooms. It's probably a random picture of a newly constructed men's room that happens to have a red wall (it's unclear if any or all Target bathrooms even have red walls).

But that didn't stop thousands of people from sharing it, and leaving these comments on her post:

She also once shared this post:

Everyone will have to wait patiently to see if she ever clears up where this mystery Target actually is, or if it's even a picture of an actual Target bathroom. 

Justin Bieber responds to criticism of an Instagram and states the obvious: he is not God.

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Justin Bieber posted a innocuous photo of himself reclining in bed while clutching an animal that hopefully isn't a monkey, since Biebs and monkeys don't have a great history. Because it's a slow day, some sites started to write up the photo with distinct criticism due to the content of the caption. 

"And on the 7th day," the caption initially read.

The idea of the seventh day reminded people of this thing called The Bible and this entity called God, so Bieber received a few write-ups claiming that Bieber felt he was on the same level with God. Bieber spoke out.

To address the controversy, J Biebs updated his caption on the original picture.

Let's get this straight.

This is not God.

He is, according to his Instagram calling out articles that made the comparison, in fact the furthest thing from God—making him Lucifer? That's logical.

But then he wears tour gear like this:

This is all a little confusing. Maybe Justin Bieber will share another Instagram post further breaking down the bible and his stance on his god complex for everyone.


'Vogue' writes about Rebecca Romijn's criticism of Gigi Hadid and Kendall Jenner, gets trolled hard.

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Vogue wrote an article about former supermodel Rebecca Romijn saying that reality TV show stars/models Gigi Hadid and Kendall Jenner weren't real supermodels, and the publication shared the piece on Twitter with a clickbait-y teaser sentence: "Who said that Kendall and Gigi are not 'true supermodels'?" The Internet had an answer.

And so on, and so on, an absurd number of times. But Vogue, bizarrely, ended up tweeting out the same teaser again—twice. To a predictable end.

There's a lesson here for everyone: make sure your scheduled tweets don't provoke the Internet's wrath.

This little girl is way better at lip-syncing Beyoncé's 'Sorry' than you.

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Now that Beyoncé's wonderful album Lemonade has been out for a few days, there have probably been a few times when you've danced to it alone in your room, trying your best to capture the raw, devil-may-care energy of Beyoncé smashing vintage cars in a yellow dress. But this little girl does it much better than you. Much, much better.

She ain't sorry.

The most hilariously tragic breakup stories the Internet has ever seen (except for yours).

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Nobody likes getting dumped. It's humiliating and sickening to be rejected by the one person who you thought wasn't going to reject you. But life goes on, and there are surprising benefits. For one thing, your breakup might become a horrifying, weird, or sad story that you can tell on Reddit. These people traded romantic bliss for viral fame and never looked back:

She's taking it well.

1. Poor BartokTheBat realized that food and relationships are both seemingly wonderful things that are actually loaded with poison.

One guy broke up with me after he'd been cheating on me for 6 months. He took me to a restaurant to try and "mend" the relationship. I was hospitalised with food poisoning a day later. The day after that I woke up at 6am - still in this hospital - to a text that said "I just don't want to be your boyfriend." He then called himself my best friend and phoned me at 6pm that night to see how I was "coping" with the break up. Asshole.

2. As this story from lipstick_dipstick proves, camping just isn't romantic.

Broke up with a guy after a few weeks. He decided to pitch a tent in my backyard until i took him back. Said he was gonna stay there until I loved him again. Ya, nope. That lasted half an hour. Step dad chased him off the property so fast.

3. The ex-boyfriend of maniacal-seahorse is a lot of things, and unreasonably sentimental is one of those things.

My first relationship last 5 years, during which my boyfriend explained that he needed to be with someone for 5 years before he knew if it was going to last. Had mentioned multiple times that he would propose on our 5th anniversary. Day comes around, he takes me to dinner, then to the location of our first kiss. Where he proceeds to break up with me.

4. If dontbitelee ever has a bad birthday again, at least it won't be as bad as this one.

Dated for about 4 months, really intense connection, texting everyday and talking on the phone usually twice a week. But physically, things are going slowly. One night I admit to him that I'm a virgin, and a few weeks later we have sex. The next day I leave on a long-weekend vacation and he knows I like my space, so I don't hear from him. We have set plans for when I return so no worries. I return home and text him that I'm back. A day later I get a brief break-up text, "It's not working out. Sorry about the bad timing" What was the bad timing? Well aside from having my-first-time sex with me 4 days prior, it was my birthday.

5. The tables turned for abushekjamez, as they absolutely should have.

I was actually the one who did the breaking up in this situation. To be fair I was 15 at the time. I decided to break up with her because she was gaining weight. Anyways I thought I couldn't tell her that.

At that time she was meeting a psychologist. She told me it was for ADHD. So when I did break up with her , I did it through text. She asked me why , I said " I don't want to be with a crazy person lol .". Turns out she was going to the psychologist for depression.

Her brother gave me a black eye and a gut punch the next day. My Dad asked me what happened, I told him. He told I deserved it and kicked me out of the house. He wouldn't let me back in until I got my ex to call him and tell him that I gave her a satisfactory apology.

6. Yeah, Arixa, it seemed nice and you can blame yourself… but he did break into your locker, which is weird and creepy.

Worst thing I have done? Broke up with a guy in person while opening my locker, the same place he stashed a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a mushy card.

7. LeafRivers is either the world's most unlovable or unluckiest man. Possibly both.

Last three ended via...

Christmas Night, she was sick and wanted to go to the hospital so I brought her. We were both scheduled to be at work (yeah, sucks) so I went to work alone and bailed her out. She went off and fucked another dude instead of going to the hospital. Called me mid-fuck and broke up with me at work.

Before that! I was having a heart attack or something, literally dying. She broke it off and left me alone. I died on the way to the hospital some hours later they say but they were nice enough to revive me.

and 3rd: My marriage ended when I came home from work on our 6th anniversary. I got off early and was going to do the whole romantic thing but only found her fucking 2 dudes at the same time. I did not join in. To be fair, she didn't know it was our anniversary.

8. Never leave them an opening, Ll-Santino. Never!

This wasn't me, but how a friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend. They were on the phone, and she said, "I love you," to which he responded, "I love you more!" She said, "Actually, you probably do," and proceeded to tell him how she'd gone on a date with another guy.

"You hang up first. No, wait!"

9. There is so much unnecessary technology involved in this story from Snowflyy that it's quite believable the person at fault might be perceived as a little cold and distant.

She typed up a letter on a Word document and sent it as an attachment on a Facebook message, and texted me while I was at work to check my messages when I get home.

10. They say there's something about the ions that makes people get their best ideas in the shower. An ex-girlfriend of VanGoner got the idea to break up with him.

We were naked and in the shower together - the worst part was that she wanted to talk and talk and the hot water ran out and we were still naked and talking in a tiny shower.

Who wouldn't dump Ross?

11. To be fair, MushroomMountain123, she was right. It's true for everybody.

After I hit puberty, she broke up with me because I wasn't "adorable" anymore.

12. It's a humble person who admits that they can't do everything on their own and asks for help. That's what aydiosmio's ex-girlfriend did with their breakup.

My second girlfriend and I were hanging out at Barnes and Noble, sitting in an aisle. We come to some discussion about our relationship, long story short...

She demands that I break up with her, because she doesn't have the heart to do it herself.

I obliged.

13. But on the bright side of this massive display of manipulation, weevhy, everybody was okay!

A mutual friend called me up in a panic saying my girlfriend had been hit by a car. I freaked out and hauled ass on my bicycle a mile and a half to her house only to find a ridiculous amount of purple makeup and a sheepish-looking girlfriend. The mutual "friend" had arranged a bullshit situation just to get me to come over.

The "friend" took me aside and "gently" explained how my girlfriend had been cheating on me with some other guy and how "guppies" like me should be with other guppies instead of a shark like her.

14. An ex of mikandrews19 was wise to obey their horoscope. Any time you don't, the entire fabric of existence is threatened.

An ex of mine texted me requesting if I could forward him his daily horoscope. It ended up saying something like "go ahead and let go of what ever is holding you back"

He replied half an hour later "cool well I'm dumping you"

15. MsAlign's story shows that the true language of love is an approximation of sign language.

Through sign language.

Neither of us is deaf or mute. Neither of us knows ASL or any other form of sign language.

It took two hours of mute gestures before he finally spat it out verbally. And then he was mad when I kicked him out of my parents' house and refused to drive him to his house.

What's your worst breakup story? Tweet it to us at @someecards or share it on our Facebook page, and maybe we'll post it. That would teach your ex a lesson. 

Confession

Sweet engagement photoshoot gets interrupted by that classic outdoor pest, LARPers.

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It's wonderful to spend a day outside with the person you love, but so many things can go wrong: a bee can sting you, a skunk can spray you, or LARPers can take their campaign of destruction through your romantic photo shoot. On Tuesday, Redditor Onileo posted a photo his girlfriend, a professional photographer, took of a happy couple. But, as Onileo noted, "the photo shoot got bombed by some LARPers." (For those of you who don't know, LARP stands for Live Action Role Play.)

Hey, guys? Classic horror movie trope here. If your dog notices something, don't keep smoochin'.

On Facebook, Alexandria noted, "During Jess and Dales engagement session last year, we were photo bombed by some friendly LARPers! Out of all the photos I have ever taken, I never thought this one would go viral lol!"

While the whole thing sounds super fun and casual, neither Alexandria or her boyfriend notes whether these awesome LARPers interrupted on purpose. Just think about that if you ever need to send a message to a couple you don't like: having LARPers ruin a romantic photo shoot would be a pretty baller way to let someone know you don't approve of their union.

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