Everybody poops, but not everybody poops in public. People on Reddit are telling the tales of messing up and get away with it, many of which involve shitting themselves in public spaces. Here are some inspiring tales of messing up, fleeing the scene, and surprisingly getting away with it.

1. Every party has a pooper, to rscott89's chagrin.

I was at a party in college when I felt that sudden and unmistakable rumble of an on coming beer shit. I ran off to the bathroom and managed to slip in unnoticed. With the door locked and my anonymity intact I proceeded to do horrible, unspeakable things to that toilet. I was in there for maybe about 15 minutes, which during a beer filled college binge-fest is a life time for the bathroom to be occupied. The line had grown outside the door, with people pounding away trying to get in before they pissed themselves. When I finished, the stench was unspeakable, and any attempt to flush would have been a fools errand. With most of the angry voices outside the door being female, I knew walking out through the door and owning my shame was not an option. So I climbed through the window and walked to a near by gas station to pick up a case of beer in order to conceal my absence as nothing more than a beer run. I walked back into the party with no one the wiser to my involvement into what had evolved into the legend of the midnight mystery pooper.

2. hors3y picked the best time to fess up to a fallen cake.

I knocked over my boyfriend's birthday cake. It was an outdoor joint birthday party with his best friend. I bumped into the corner of it and it hit the grass. I left the scene.

I admitted it to him in our wedding vows.

3. Karma got to the guy, but Missyellicat's next. 

My sister's boyfriend had just come over after work and he always parks behind me so I have to look for his car when I leave so I don't hit it. Well I hit it one night at like 2am. I hit it hard enough that the whole car moved about about a foot. I go out and look at the damage I've caused and there's a big red streak (my car is red) and the front plate thing where the tire is is disconnected from the rest of the car, but only about an inch so it's not too noticeable. Well anyways I scuff out the scratch for about an hour and just kinda pushed the plate closer and went back inside and didn't say a word. The next morning he got pissed because he thought he had gotten away Scott free from a parked red car HE had hit the day prior and he just noticed that it caused damage to his car. Haha fuck yeah.

4. M1_A1 took on the acting challenge.

Whilst making a cup of tea, I knocked someones retirement cake off the table in the kitchen. They were just about to take it to her desk and had left the room to get her gift. I creeped out of the room and just acted totally shocked and outraged when they told everyone. 

5. Highly_Caffeinated experienced a modern miracle.

on a run I feel the dreadful shift to the left. The bank I go into is super busy so nobody sees me run to the bathroom. I don't make it to the toilet. underwear, shorts, floor, hell I think I shat out my pancreas at some point. Lo and behold a miracle! Someone had left a pair of pants in the bathroom. I ditched the underwear and shorts in the trash ( there was no saving them), I did my best to clean the floor, left $20 on the pant rack and bailed with my new stolen bathroom pants. Have not been back to that bank in 4 years

6. We_Are_The_Waiting with the old fart and flee.

I farted when class was starting so i walked out to get water. As i walked out i heard some girl say "ew whats that smell... ugghhh..."

7. The Great Walmart Flood, as started by SSGTObvious.

I dropped a gallon jug of water at Walmart. It burst open and before I could go find an employee to ask for some paper towels, someone pulled down the rack bar that runs along the soda rack and holds up all the sodas. Easily over 200 2l bottles on the shelf came tumbling down and exploding all over the floor.

8. A young thejudicialpenis with the masterful poo removal maneuver (say that 10 times fast).

I shit my pants during pool day at Summer day care (or whatever you call it, ages ranged from 5-12, I think I was 7 at the time). I managed to maneuver the turd out of my shorts and into a corner where nobody was looking. Ten minutes later, everyone was crowded around looking at my turd. I joined in to avoid raising suspicion. Nobody ever found out.

9. I_Enjoy_Cashews found a convenient scapegoat.

One time I shat my pants in elementary school, but I sat next to this gross kid who was notorious for shitting his pants, so everyone was blaming him the entire time. The worst part was that it was one of those rare days that he actually didn't shit his pants so he was getting so frustrated when people were telling him to go clean his undergarments.

10. One person's muddy water isxHowla's life saver.

This was back in high school and during class my period started. I only realized this when I stood up and noticed a big red stain on the seat. I quickly grabbed a tissue and wiped it off during lunch, fortunately no one had noticed. But when I went to the bathroom I noticed a big reddish-brown stain on the bottom of my jeans.

It had been raining earlier that day and I walked out of the bathroom quickly to the lunch table my friends were at and purposefully sat down on a seat full of muddy water. I jumped up and made a fuss about my ruined jeans while my friends laughed, but the mud successfully covered up/blended with the blood stain. That ended up being my cover story for the rest of the day until I got home and threw my jeans in the wash.

11. nightmare647 lives up to their name with a poo bomb.

Sometime in middle school I hid some modeling clay, a birthday candle and a string of Black Cats in my long socks. I went to the bathroom right before class started, and pretended to poop in the last stall. What really happened was I stuck the candle in the clay behind the toilet and positioned the fuse of the firecrackers half way down the candle, lit it and went to class. About 20 minutes later all hell broke loose and we had a lock down. The next day all the usual suspects were called into the office and no one suspected a thing. 

12. Some real Disney magic for Agave.

So I'm with my brother and we're around 9 and 12. We're at a hotel in Disney World and my brother dares me to pull one of the fire alarms. I pull it. Havoc ensues. You have these old Floridians and all these kids and everything standing out in the parking lot looking around. Over a hundred people out there in bathrobes and stuff. Firetrucks come. I'm hanging my head and panicking and my whole family is staring at me saying, "I know it was you." Then this security guy, somehow knowing it was me (surveillance tapes?) comes up and says real loud like, right near my family, "Another one is going off in another building, this is an electrical problem." My whole family were suddenly convinced it wasn't me. THANK YOU RANDOM NICE GUY!

Move over 3D printing, here comes 3D painting. 

The future you dreamt of when you were a little kid is here. Google recently released something called the "Tilt Brush," which essentially allows you to paint 3D structures in the air using a virtual reality headset. According to the Tilt Brush website, "Tilt Brush lets you paint in 3D space with virtual reality. Your room is your canvas. Your palette is your imagination. The possibilities are endless." If you think that sounds intriguing, just watch it in action in the video below.

You can purchase Tilt Brush right now off Steam for only $29.99, but it will only work if you also have the $800 virtual reality headset. There's always a catch, isn't there? Well until then, keep doodling on your notebooks in boring 2D. 

Bath & Body Works, that mall store known for assaulting you with scents, has discovered something totally novel and shocking: that people like remembering things from the 90s. That's why, starting May 27, they're re-releasing some of their classic 90s scents as part of their #FlashbackFragrance campaign. (Because these days, you haven't really launched a campaign unless it has a hashtag.)

This is actually the second time Bath & Body Works has done Flashback Fragrances; last June and July they re-released an initial batch of 90s scents including Plumeria, Cucumber Melon, and Juniper Breeze. (These are all still available on Bath & Body Works website, in fact, with the label "retired scent." If you're back at work for almost a year, though, can you still really consider yourself retired?)

The store hasn't announced what the new round of scent re-releases will be yet. But this is great news for anyone who wants to sniff a classic fragrance and be transported back to the magical time when they were constantly paralyzed by adolescent fear.

In a rare alligator story that isn't from Florida, a member of the species hit up a South Carolina home for a visit. Gary Rogers, who filmed the scene, told ABC 4 it seemed like the gator was trying to hit up the Bailey family's pool. That makes sense. Alligators like water. When he couldn't get in the backyard, the alligator tried the more polite method of gaining entry.

Ringing that doorbell took every ounce of energy that gator had. He just kerplunked right back down onto the ground once he accomplished his goal.

Nobody from the Bailey family was home when their guest came by, but while they missed out on their guest they were left with a bevy of scratches on their front door as a memento. Try as he might, this destructive gator can't be the ideal neighbor.

If you think alligators are the darndest creatures, you might enjoy this gator prank.

Now that's just cruel.

Cinco de Mayo is almost more of a misconception than it is a holiday, at least for a lot of Americans. First of all, it's not the "Mexican Fourth of July"—it commemorates a single event: the Battle of Puebla, a decisive victory of the Mexican army over the French. But for many Americans, it's become a day to celebrate Mexican culture (however Americanized) by eating Mexican food (however Americanized) and drinking margaritas (super Americanized). Some people, however, just don't get it in the first place.

1. To where, San Diego?

2. Dutch treat.

3. A financial wizard.

4. She just couldn't help herself.

5. Land of the free.

6. "I'm not racist, but…"

7. May the farce be with you.

8. What a card!

9. This person is either a massive idiot or a creative genius. Or, more likely, both.

In this video uploaded to Facebook on April 24, Maylasian street performer/guitar player Jasmi Mohammad (also known as Jass Pangkor Buskers on Facebook) performed for a completely enthralled audience of four little kittens.

The video was originally posted by Rasli Ibrahim, who claims that the kittens approached the busker when he started playing. According to The Telegraph, Ibrahim wrote on Facebook:

My friend just finished his busking on that night but not many people heard him sing. He was feeling upset, then he sits and relaxes and sings the song just for fun. Suddenly, the kittens (three-months-old) come and sit in front of him. They were my kittens; it's like [they] know his feeling and give him support.

At the end of the song, Mohammad bows his head to the kitties and thanks them. While the four kittens were clearly impressed with Mohammad's talent they unfortunately rarely carry money, and even when they do, they are notoriously stingy. 

On May 2nd, Captain Cy of the Strike Zone Sportfishing company and his crew were walking along the docks of Knudson Cove Marina in Ketchikan, Alaska, when something humongous jumped out of the water. It was an Alaskan humpback whale who apparently was feeding near the marina for three days.

Hold up, a massive and full-grown whale just nonchalantly swimming along the harbor? How deep is this water, exactly?

The company wrote on YouTube: “This is about 60 feet of water. They are feeding on herring. The herring was trying to use the docks for protection but this guy was determined!”

If the whale is that determined to feed, what if it decides to feed on something...other than herring? Something...human?

Reminder: be nice to nature, or you'll find yourself inside nature's stomach.

Gina Rodriguez, perhaps better known by the second most embarrassing name in Hollywood, "Jane the Virgin," is in the midst of rebranding her entire head. Her hair change appears to be for her role in the upcoming sci-fi thriller Annihilation, and she's taking some inspiration from her co-star Natalie Portman circa V for Vendetta.

"Annihilation. #AnyaThorensen," writes Rodriguez in the caption. The hashtag is the name of the character she'll be playing, a role that will prove she has unlimited acting range, or at least that she can play a character without the word "virgin" in her name.

In case it's been erased from your memory by her new look, this is what she looks like in her CW comedy.

Back in April, Rodriguez told People, "I'm gonna look different in a month. I'm cutting all my hair off and dyeing it—cutting as in a Ruby Rose cut. This is gonna be my first transition in not rocking long hair."

And earlier this week, she shared a photo to get the world ready for the impending chop.

Looks like she's sending it to Locks of Love, which means someone out there will one day be rocking a wig made of Gina Rodriguez's hair. Hopefully the charity keeps that info anonymous—otherwise there will also be a wig made of Gina Rodriguez's hair rocking an eBay listing.

Sorry, women whose bodies have developed large breasts; that accessory is officially out of style. After decades of selling padded and push-up bras, Victoria's Secret has declared small breasts to be the ideal breasts. Their new line of "bralettes," an innovate new nipple-obscuring technique, is for small-chested women only, which pissed a lot of people off. 

It's the opposite of middle school: people are pissed because they're not in the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.

People on Twitter called out Victoria and her Secret for this sudden shift in branding, seeing that while Vicki was committed to the illusion of large boobs, they were never interested in catering to the reality of actually heavy chests.

The commercial is predictably contrived, with the Angels giggling and frolicking, celebrating their liberation from underwires.

People saw right through the bralette's lack of functionality.

It's a tough day for the big-breasted, because it's easier to pretend to have bigger ones than it is to go down a few sizes. 

A 7-year-old girl from Texas got away with the impossible when she used a fake note to get dismissed from school early on Monday. Rosabella, a second grade student at Sheldon Elementary School, will undoubtedly go down in history for handing her teacher the very obviously forged note that got her out of attending an after-school program and put on an early bus home. Rosabella would have been your hero when you were seven, but the situation is a total nightmare for any parent. WFSB News reported on the story:

KPTV - FOX 12

After Rosabella was dropped off at home, she realized that she was locked outside. It wasn't until she went to a neighbors house to ask to use the bathroom that anyone even knew that she was dropped off early. The neighbors called her father, Charlie Dahu, who had no idea that his daughter was not at school where she was supposed to be.

"I was shaking," Dahu said. "I was scared. I was just glad to see her in good health and that nothing happened to her."

Dahu went to the school to confront the people who let his daughter go home early and filmed their exchange. Even the employee he spoke to admitted that the note looked questionable. When the father asked, "Now, does this look like a note—does this look like a note that a parent would write?" The employee responded by saying, "No, that's why I asked my boss."

The school released a statement saying, "We are reviewing our training procedures to ensure that our after school grant program staff is properly trained in dismissal procedures." 

Plus, that terribly written note is a total slap in the face for anyone who spent hours perfecting writing their parents' signatures.

Just after changing his Twitter background to display the proud words "Presumptive Republican Nominee, Donald J. Trump," your favorite billionaire moved his tiny finger to hit upload on a great little photo of his orange little face. That photo contained his "Happy #CincoDeMayo" wishes for a community he's made some controversial comments about in the past.

Happy #CincoDeMayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!

The media immediately jumped on the debatable claim—you know, the one about the "best taco bowl." 

In fact, there is no taco bowl on the Trump Tower Grill menu, according to the prestigious outlet NBC News, which hopefully sent 35 ravenous reporters to fact-check. There is, however, a "Taco fiesta!" meal at the nearby Trump Tower Café.

Hillary Clinton jumped on the post as well, but focused on the only slightly more important implication of Trump's "love" for Hispanics.

“I love Hispanics!” —Trump, 52 minutes ago

“They’re gonna be deported.” —Trump, yesterday

Clinton's referring to a Wednesday interview Trump gave to Lester Holt, in which he said:

They're going to be deported. Look we either have a country or we don't. We have many illegals in the country and we have to get them out and go through a process, go through a system and ones who have done well and have really achieved we want to bring them back in.

But Donald is clearly trying to make amends with a community he's repeatedly found himself denigrating, and what better way than to repeat the very simple messaging he found so successful when boasting, "I have a great relationship with the blacks. I've always had a great relationship with the blacks."

Now he's trying "I love Hispanics" to see how that sticks. 

If you find yourself offended, at least you can take solace in knowing that—if that taco bowl is even half as greasy as it looks—Trump will have furious diarrhea tonight.

After the annual fashion spectacle known as the Met Gala on Monday, the Internet was abuzz discussing the winners, losers, and confusers of the evening. One outlet that missed the mark in its coverage was Vogue, which implied that Lupita Nyong'o's hairstyle was partially inspired by Audrey Hepburn. Nyong'o quickly took to Instagram to show Vogue the real inspiration for her hair that evening:

Vogue did mention in the piece that on the red carpet, Nyong'o had cited Nina Simone and The Matrix as inspiration, but it doesn't mean their comparison to Hepburn wasn't problematic. As Zeba Blay wrote on The Huffington Post, "Vogue’s faux pas is just one in a long line of instances wherein white fashion and beauty world completely disregards black hair culture in favor of placing the spotlight on white women."

This certainly isn't the first time Vogue has had issues with their coverage of black women. Just a couple of months ago, for example, they used a photo of actress Keke Palmer in a piece about Azealia Banks.

Beyoncé's visual awesomeness that is Lemonade has been a boon not only for the star's wallet, but also for people who make real lemonade. Huffington Post spoke with Natalie Sexton, the CEO of Natalie's Juices, who can personally confirm that Beyoncé is great for business, or life depending on how you look at it.

"People are drinking lemonade and posting pictures with #Beyoncé,” Sexton said. “You can’t drink lemonade these days without thinking of her.”

According to Sexton, the Florida-based juice company has seen their sales of natural lemonade, lemonade tea, and strawberry lemonade double since Beyoncé's new album came out. 

Another juice guy, Matt McLean of Uncle Matt’s (notice a trend with juice company names?) told Huffington Post that his company's sales have jumped up about 20 percent thanks to people's newfound interest in lemon emojis. Or warmer weather. But it's probably due to Queen Bey.

Between her Red Lobster reference in "Formation" and her album name, Beyoncé has provided fans with a complete Beyoncé-approved meal.

At Thursday's Vogue 100: A Century of Style exhibition at the National Portrait Gallery in London, Victoria Beckham talked with the event's host, Claudia Winkleman, and dropped some major truth bombs, according to Metro. 

"They used to turn it off," Beckham said of her mic during concerts, "and just let the others sing. I got the last laugh – and now my mic is well and truly on, finally."

Ironically, Beckham is now the most famous Spice Girl, at least in the States, where her name is synonymous with resting bitch face, fashion, and her hot husband David.

At the Vogue 100 event, Beckham also admitted that her fashionable clothes were a decoy for her lack of performance skills. "Luckily because I used to wear heels," she said, "I just used to jig about a bit and I got away with it but it never came easily. I was always much more reserved than the other girls."

Posh Spice was into her dresses, so that wasn't a lie. "I was always the one that loved fashion," she said, "and it was quite a result for me because the girls always used to get their clothes for free because they were crap and so there was a lot of budget for me to have my little Gucci dress."

OK, Posh, don't go hating on everyone else's outfits. They might not have been designer-chic, but they were '90s chic. 

Beckham—who's openly admitted she's not the best singer on the world before—didn't touch on her acting skills.

Those aren't award-winning either.

Kylie Jenner and her mom Kris were hanging out together for Cinco de Drinko, a family event that Kylie recorded on her Snapchat. Because Snapchat filters are the best part of Snapchat and the family loves each other so much, Kylie and her mom swapped skin.

The face swap works out well for Kris, who looks quite youthful with the face of an 18-year-old. Kris's contouring, however, doesn't look so good on Kylie.

If anyone ever looked like Kylie did with Kris's face in real life, they'd likely need medical attention ASAP. Girl was not looking healthy. Kris, however, is Shailene Woodley.

The chick from Divergent/the YA movie kids love.

If you're into the Kardashian-Jenner face swap thing, here are a few more.

No question that these people are related.

In anticipation of the Day of Mothers,Jimmy Kimmel's crew took to the street to get passersby to confess the biggest lies they have told their moms, with their moms standing right by their sides. Some mothers were in for a rude awakening, learning that they did not look as good in a dress as they thought they did. Other kids confessed the particulars of their teenage rebellions, which involved stolen makeup, drugs, and drag shows.

Mother's Day Brunch just got a little more awkward. 

Sometimes sex turns out to be a deeply, deeply unfortunate experience, as evidenced by some of the most fascinating sexual tales from Reddit's magnificent sub, Today I Fucked Up. No, it's not just about bad sex. It's about sex that ruins your life.

It goes without saying that the following stories are decidedly not safe for work, unless you're very good at shielding your computer from your boss. But you could get lost in these perverted fairytales for hours.

1. This is a strong, salacious beginning. From igetreallybored, a tale of 6-year-old confusion and adult awkwardness.

Background. My cousin and i (both male) were having a sleep over when we were around 6 years old. We started talking about girls and about how they could pee, we couldn't figure it out so we started to come up with ideas. One thing led to another and we started talking about how to have sex with a girl, since we had never seen a vagina we thought maybe it was the butt. Curious we proceeded to put our little peckers into each others butts and just lay there. One on his stomach and the other on top, we would switch positions.

At the time i thought nothing of it, but years down the road when i was a teenager i realized what the hell had happened. I tried my best to ignore this little piece of history and so did my cousin. But every time we would hang out as we grew up you could tell it was still awkward and was only getting worse. Fast forward 20 years and we are both married, out at dinner on a double date and we had an obviously gay waiter. My cousins wife remarks, "i don't understand how they can have sex with other men, that is just weird" I causally said "its pretty easy". Both wives look at me and i go "what, like you've never had causal gay sex with your cousin when you were 6 before?". My stupid brain thought this would be a good way to finally break the ice on the situation, i meant it to be so ridiculous that the wives would never think i was serious. Instead it led to a lengthy conversation of "what the hells" and "oh my fucking gods" as my cousin and i tried to explain to our wives why we had gay sex in a walk in closet at my grandmothers house at the age of 6.

TIFU by letting my wife and cousin's wife know that we had gay sex when we were children. In a restaurant, with a gay waiter. Im sure people overheard.

2. Ok, a fair amount of these are about masturbation. Like fohsadguy's bronzer mishap that left him with Trump hands.

Last night, I was feeling some type of way and I wanted to rub one out.

Usually I go into the bathroom and turn on the shower while I enjoy myself, but taking a 1AM "rinse" would've been too suspicious. Instead, I grabbed some lotion (that I later realize it wasn't any ordinary lotion) and head back into my room where it's late enough that I shouldn't be disturbed.

The fuck up is when I became too lazy to wash my hands and decided that a small cloth was enough clean up. Waking up this morning, I nearly screamed in horror as I see my right hand that kinda looks like this. The bronzer made its mark on my junk too so I hop in the shower trying to scrub it off like this and nothing is working.

I'm currently tiptoeing around the house with my hand in my pocket, trying to figure out a way to get the shit off my hand... Maybe I'll bronze my left hand as well and say that I forgot to rinse them after moisturizing my face.

TL;DR: Used bronzer as lube and gave my hand a fake bake.

3. Reddit is the safest place to entrust a secret, as minionmagic knows. Unless someone you know reads it.

Obligatory this happened two days ago, haven't had a chance to post the story.

Throwaway account because I'm embarrassed to admit I have a vibrator.

Two nights ago I took care of myself and fell asleep. I usually put things back where they belong but I just threw Pinkey on the floor.

Wednesday morning I woke up and got out of bed. Stepped right on Pinkey and he turned on, it startled me and I hit my ankle on my bed frame and sliced my foot open. It wasn't a horrible injury with a lot of blood, but I couldn't wear shoes because the back of the shoes rubbed against my ankle.

Trying to explain this to people at work was fun. "Why are you limping?" "I cut my ankle getting out of bed today." Was the best I could do. Only my best friend knows how it really happened. And now, I guess Reddit knows too. Fml.

TL;DR- stepped on my vibrator and sliced other foot on bed frame. Can't wear shoes.

4. Notthesis says it all with the title: "TIFU by accidentally having sex with my wifes [sic] sister."

Hi, throw away account here. This happened about 2 years ago. My wife (Lets call her Rachel) and I like to take a trip to Vegas at least once every couple of years. We don't gamble much but love going to the shows and attractions. That year, her sister (Lets call her Jody) went through a nasty divorce and was depressed for a long time. My wife wanted her to come along on our next Vegas trip. I agreed and had no problem. When we were younger (Met my wife in college), her sister would tag along quite often. Whether it was off to a party or on a day trip, Jody was always cool to be around. Even though they are twins, I absolutely have no interest in her. Jody is more of a "party girl",self-fish and vein (She has plastic boobs). My wife is sweet, all natural, kind and self-less.

Fast forward to our trip to Vegas. We were all sharing a room (Double beds). After spending 4 days in Vegas, our last night, we decided to hit the casino down stairs. Jody and my wife decided to get wasted. They sit at the bar pretty much the whole time while I was hitting the blackjack tables. I ended up losing $200 bucks and decided to stop (Yeah i'm cheap).

Feeling like a loser, I decided to join them at the bar. After a few beers and shots, I completely forgot about my losses at the blackjack table. My wife and I head up first. Jody was at the bar talking to some guy. We wished her luck and headed up to our room.

By this time it was 2am and we start to stumble our way up to our room. We were pretty hammered as I had no idea where our room was. Luckily my wife found our room. Next thing you know, i'm face down on the bed out cold.

A few moments later I awake in a dark room, drunk and horny. My wife was curled up against me. I didn't hear Jody come back and figured she was having fun with the bar guy. I thought it was a good time for sexy time. I start with my smooth moves by massaging my wifes back and taking off her panties. Shes definitely in the mood as her body is shifting and moaning. She starts to get into it by grabbing my junk. Thats all it took, and I was inside of her. I'm embarrassed to say but I only last about 2 minutes (Doesn't matter, had sex)

We cuddle and I start to fondle her boobs. I notice they were quite firm and almost balloon like. In my drunken state, I immediately froze. I realized I just fucked my wifes sister. About a few seconds later the lights turn on and my wife witnesses both myself and Jody naked. Shes screaming at the at the both of us. Jody wakes up and jumps out of bed. "What the fuck is going on??" "Uh, umm, I didn't.. uh umm" I couldn't muster anything.

Whats worse is when Jody stands up, my "package of contents" starts to come out of her. My wife starts to cry and runs out the room. Jody walks to the bathroom to clean herself up.

I hurry to get my clothes on to try to catch my wife. My wife was in the lobby area bench sobbing. I try to talk to her but shes not hearing me. We eventually get back to the room. Jody tries to talk to my wife and shes not listening to her either. I end up sleeping on the floor.

The next day my wife is already up and packed. We head back home and she still doesn't say a word to me until we get to our house. She finally talks to me the next day and tells me she needs time to think about things and she packed her stuff and left for her parents house.

Fast forward to today, we are separated. Jody and I talked about the incident and I apologized to her. Me and her are cool. Even though we haven't talked since that night, she forgave me.

tl;dr - Went to Vegas with my and sister. In a drunken state, accidentally had sex with the sister. Getting divorce finalized soon.

5. AThrowaway learned not to act like a teenager when you have kids.

6. Learn what "vanilla or kinky" means so you don't end up like throwaway155553.

Before I begin I just want you to understand I'm not from the states I'm from germany, and currently attend Ohio state university. This is also a throw away cause I don't want it linked with my main anyway in America the culture shock is insane, and I picked up a lot on the dialect anyway. I met a very beautiful girl here, and we hit it off. We are practically dating, but not official yet. Anyway we were getting to know each other, and I mean really know each other she asked me everything from sex life, dating life, goals, aspirations, dreams hopes etc and throughout these questions she asked me one question that I didn't understand was too embarrassed to answer but did anyway. She asked me "Vanilla or Kinky" I did not understand what this meant it made no sense vanilla is an ice cream flavor, but kinky made it obvious it was a sexual question..

I just picked vanilla cause vanilla seemed less dirty. I knew she was sexually attracted to me to ask that so I just went with it.. in my head I thought vanilla was pouring vanilla on her and licking it off. After our conversation I decided to pick up vanilla ice cream.. cause I thought she wanted me to lick it off her. The next time we had sex I planned on pouring it on her and licking it off cause I thought that is what she was hinting at. Either way we met up in her dorm room, and we were getting into it, and I took out the ice cream from my bag (it melted a little), and poured a big scoop of it on her body and she goes "WHAT THE FUCK", and I'm hesistant a bit and she says "What are you even doing..." she was a little more calm now, and I explained the whole thing.. turns out that vanilla means regular.. for some fucking reason vanilla meant regular. I felt like a retard beyond belief... she laughed for a good 5 minutes, and went to take a shower and I'm sitting there thinking my god what the fuck is wrong with me....she was very cool about it though.. and we were still "together", but I will never live it down. I later skyped my family back home in germany, and my mom was dying of laughter, and my dad sat there with the stupidest look on his face.. and now I'm here typing this.

AutoModerator is threatening me so here is "TLDR"

TLDR: got asked vanilla or kinky, thought vanilla meant pouring vanilla on girl and licking it off. did as such, and humilated my self.

EDIT: its "THE!!!!!!! ohio state university" don't hang me.

EDIT2: Whoever gilded me thank you so much, but it's a throw away...

7. Mistaken identity. Is not. Good. As the forebodingly named secret_pleasure explains:

We just got done with a friends wedding and we all went back to the hotel and started drinking. The reception was dry and it lasted a lot longer than it should have. Anyway, by the time we get to the hotel we are chasing nightlight so we hit the bottle pretty good. I start to have philosophical conversation with one of the other groomsmen while my fiancee and one of my best girl friends (the type of best friends that occasionally scratch an itch if the mood is right) go into the other suite. After a few more minutes of waxing poetic on the intricacies of government jobs, I decide it's time to go find my two favorite people. Now my fiance doesn't know about my friend and i occasionally bumping uglies. However she's not dumb and our relationship isn't puritanical. That being said, there were two full beds in the room and they were in one and the other was free. Being the type of guy that doesn't want to start any jealousy game, I laid down in the other bed to sit back and wait to see what color the walls were going to be.

It was a long wait. They had passed out and I was wide awake. I laid there for about two hours in the dark and then finally just as I was about to drift off, one of them got up and went to pee. Didn't recognize the way that pee sounded so I'm guessing it's my friend not fiance. Then this person comes back to bed and lays down on top of the covers. Definitely my friend not my fiance as my fiance is cold natured and NEVER sleeps on top of the covers. So, confident that iknw who is who, I move in for some late night fun with the fiance. To be extra kinky I don't touch her body with my hands at all, but rather rub her with my sock clad feet up and down her leg and over her feet and what not. She smelled like hotel shampoo so no reason to think I'm in the wrong place yet. In the meantime the one that just went to the bathroom grabs my hand and holds it... just like a special friend would do. So I think something great may just happen here shortly. This was definitely not the case. As I continue to rub feet over legs while holding hands someone starts to respond to the foreplay. This someone turns and backs up to me. It's at this moment that my world tilted. I immediately knew whose oil I was about to check and it was not the oil light that I thought was on. At the same time a voice pipes up and says "So you're just going to do this in front of me huh?"

My friend sleeps like a brick but will respond quite favorably to slow and steady build up all in her sleep. My fiance on the other hand is wide awake and feels some kind of way about me so boldly trying to fuck my friend while holding her hand. Needless to say it got heated and words were exchanged. My friend slept through it all and was completely unaware of this new twist until I informed her by phone this morning. Now I have two pissed off women at me over a genuine honest to God mistake that went from Christmas morning to Old Yeller in M. Night Shamalan fashion.

Tl;dr My fiance held my hand while I tried to fuck my friend in front of her and that was not ok.

8. Dreamingofaplace didn't have sex. And now he never will.

All right, so this just happened to me and I am so embarrassed. Today's my birthday and my girlfriend and I were supposed to go out, but she had to pick up an extra shift at work, so we both decided to celebrate my birthday tomorrow. It was a boring night and I had nothing to do but stream Netflix, so what's the next best thing? I decided to watch some porn to pass by time before I sleep. My roommate is gone for the weekend, so I was able to masturbate freely. As I was getting into it, I hear the front door open. I heard the voice of my roommate echoing through the walls. I was sure he heard my sexual moans. Instead of stopping, I decided to continue masturbating making all these sounds. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time in my room, but my roommate doesn't seem to care too much, so I decided to let my roommate believe I was with my girlfriend. It's better than masturbating, right? All of a sudden, I heard a door slam. I dismissed it and continued to masturbate. 10 minutes later, I received a text from my girlfriend.

Girlfriend: it's over

Me: What?

Girlfriend: i can't believe you...i was going to surprise you. i never want to see you again.

5 minutes later, my roommate texted me...

Roommate: That's messed up, man.

Me: What did I do?

Roommate: You had another girl in your room.

That's when I realized that my roommate and girlfriend thought that I was with another girl in my room. She's not responding to my texts.

tl;dr Roommate and girlfriend caught me masturbating and thought I was with another girl

Update: Wow, today is just not my day. It's also Friday the 13th. I got a text back from her telling me that it was okay that I cheated on her because she also had a moment of weakness a month ago when she cheated on it. I don't know how to take this right now.

Update #2: She cheated on me with my roommate. Supposedly they were heading back to my place together to fuck. I told my roommate that I would be out with another friend celebrating my birthday for the night, so it looks like my roommate and girlfriend took the opportunity to fuck while I was gone. Little did they know that I decided to stay home.

9. And rushone, finally, has learned her lesson about dirty talk.

So today I finally had sex with this guy I really really like for the first time. It was so spontaneous and in the heat of the moment that we didn't use protection and neither of us cared because we were so into it. So he was really deep and said he was about to finish. At this point my legs are as high in the air and far apart as they would go. As he was in the process of finishing, for some unknown reason I blurted out, 'I can feel myself getting pregnant!' He immediately pulled his pants up, looking like he'd seen a ghost and took off. Needless to say he's not answering my calls or messages.

Edit: reading a lot of comments I realised I messed up the title. Sorry.

Edit 2: AMA on this subject has been deleted for obvious reasons.

So there you go. If you haven't gotten laid in awhile, maybe that's for the best. Having sex doesn't always mean getting lucky.