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I love every part of you which can make me orgasm.


There's no such thing as too many poorly lit photos of you on a Mexican beach.

It's a beautiful day outside according to this live webcam.

You're the only friend I never lie to when asked if I have any deodorant, lip gloss or wipes.

I'm genuinely shocked James Franco tried to pick up an underage girl rather than an underage boy.

Your Throwback Thursday photo is hot enough to get hit on by James Franco.

I still love you even though it puts me in a tax bracket I can't afford.

Nothing James Franco did is creepier than your encyclopedic knowledge of age of consent laws.


36 Brutally Honest Wikipedia Entries

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While traditional Wikipedia is an excellent tool for pretending you know something and didn't just look it up on Wikipedia, it can also be tremendously longwinded and boring. That's why we created TL;DR Wikipedia (or Too Long; Didn't Read Wikipedia if you're our dad). TL;DR Wikipedia aims to be your #1 source for fact-esque information in as few words as possible. So get your pseudo-learn on!

Pretending you're not desperate does not constitute role-playing.

I hope your vacation is better than your job performance.

Happy birthday to someone who could still pass for an age that isn't embarrassing.

9 Things The Google Logo Will Never Be Celebrating

I promise that binge-watching Game of Thrones with me will be an entirely nonviolent experience.

Happy birthday weekend to someone who's already received the gift of not having to endure an office birthday celebration.


I wish you would retire from telling jokes too.

10 Baby-Shaming Onesies That Will Totally Take Your Tot Down A Notch

Just a reminder this weekend that sleazy social media come-ons should only be sent to age-appropriate women.

With the pollen count this high drug dealers could make more money converting meth back into Sudafed.

Thank you for managing to eat dinner without posting pictures of it on Instagram.

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