I wish I was as skinny as I was back when I thought I was fat.

April 8, 2014, 12:28 pm

≫ Next: I have sex to avoid giving blow jobs.

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I have sex to avoid giving blow jobs.

April 8, 2014, 4:50 pm

≫ Next: Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop without a smartphone.

≪ Previous: I wish I was as skinny as I was back when I thought I was fat.

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Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop without a smartphone.

April 9, 2014, 5:01 am

≫ Next: Thank you for knocking instead of shooting when you need to use the bathroom.

≪ Previous: I have sex to avoid giving blow jobs.

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Thank you for knocking instead of shooting when you need to use the bathroom.

April 9, 2014, 7:54 am

≫ Next: Just a reminder that I wasn't supposed to tell anyone that thing I told you.

≪ Previous: Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop without a smartphone.

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Just a reminder that I wasn't supposed to tell anyone that thing I told you.

April 9, 2014, 8:30 am

≫ Next: My raise this year will be expensing the alcohol that helps me endure being underpaid.

≪ Previous: Thank you for knocking instead of shooting when you need to use the bathroom.

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My raise this year will be expensing the alcohol that helps me endure being underpaid.

April 9, 2014, 8:44 am

≫ Next: 29 Things Pet Owners Secretly Want To Tell You But Probably Shouldn't

≪ Previous: Just a reminder that I wasn't supposed to tell anyone that thing I told you.

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29 Things Pet Owners Secretly Want To Tell You But Probably Shouldn't

April 9, 2014, 8:59 am

≫ Next: I hope a promotion isn't out of the question because I'm ready to do nothing at a more senior level.

≪ Previous: My raise this year will be expensing the alcohol that helps me endure being underpaid.

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I hope a promotion isn't out of the question because I'm ready to do nothing at a more senior level.

April 9, 2014, 10:22 am

≫ Next: Rest assured that your recent accomplishments at work have gone largely unnoticed.

≪ Previous: 29 Things Pet Owners Secretly Want To Tell You But Probably Shouldn't

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Rest assured that your recent accomplishments at work have gone largely unnoticed.

April 9, 2014, 10:55 am

≫ Next: My nose has done more running this spring than I have.

≪ Previous: I hope a promotion isn't out of the question because I'm ready to do nothing at a more senior level.

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My nose has done more running this spring than I have.

April 9, 2014, 11:31 am

≫ Next: May your April showers be golden.

≪ Previous: Rest assured that your recent accomplishments at work have gone largely unnoticed.

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May your April showers be golden.

April 9, 2014, 5:01 pm

≫ Next: Thanks for letting me know I'm doing a great job that won't remotely be reflected in my 2.5% raise.

≪ Previous: My nose has done more running this spring than I have.

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Thanks for letting me know I'm doing a great job that won't remotely be reflected in my 2.5% raise.

April 10, 2014, 5:01 am

≫ Next: 13 TED Talks Your Dad Would Give

≪ Previous: May your April showers be golden.

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13 TED Talks Your Dad Would Give

April 10, 2014, 6:28 am

≫ Next: 10 Honest Filing Statuses The IRS Needs To Add To Your 1040

≪ Previous: Thanks for letting me know I'm doing a great job that won't remotely be reflected in my 2.5% raise.

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10 Honest Filing Statuses The IRS Needs To Add To Your 1040

April 10, 2014, 8:02 am

≫ Next: I need a hypoallergenic boyfriend for my sensitive heart.

≪ Previous: 13 TED Talks Your Dad Would Give

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I need a hypoallergenic boyfriend for my sensitive heart.

April 10, 2014, 8:41 am

≫ Next: I miss you almost as much as I miss having sex with you.

≪ Previous: 10 Honest Filing Statuses The IRS Needs To Add To Your 1040

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I miss you almost as much as I miss having sex with you.

April 10, 2014, 8:55 am

≫ Next: I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so I won't be tempted to eat ice cream later.

≪ Previous: I need a hypoallergenic boyfriend for my sensitive heart.

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I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so I won't be tempted to eat ice cream later.

April 10, 2014, 9:21 am

≫ Next: I hope you know you could never be replaced as quickly as CBS replaced Letterman.

≪ Previous: I miss you almost as much as I miss having sex with you.

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I hope you know you could never be replaced as quickly as CBS replaced Letterman.

April 10, 2014, 10:18 am

≫ Next: You have a pretty strong opinion on Stephen Colbert for someone who goes to bed at 9:30pm.

≪ Previous: I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so I won't be tempted to eat ice cream later.

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You have a pretty strong opinion on Stephen Colbert for someone who goes to bed at 9:30pm.

April 10, 2014, 10:55 am

≫ Next: Our genitalia should get back in touch.

≪ Previous: I hope you know you could never be replaced as quickly as CBS replaced Letterman.

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Our genitalia should get back in touch.

April 10, 2014, 11:13 am

≫ Next: Without The Colbert Report, right-wing blowhards will just have to keep parodying themselves.

≪ Previous: You have a pretty strong opinion on Stephen Colbert for someone who goes to bed at 9:30pm.

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