Kim Kardashian knows what all Snapchat users know: the dog filter is the best filter. The other day, Kardashian took the dog filter, and forever ruined it by making the innocent pup the most sexual thing out there. Listen to Kardashian jam to Ariana Grande while licking the air and touching her boob.
Kardashian wasn't the first one to ruin the innocence of the dog, she's just there to make it widely known that Snapchatters have already deemed the dog filter the "hoe filter." Can you hate on her for bringing that to your attention and opening up your eyes to the truth of the dog filter?
18-year-old Sam Steingard of Maryland had a hot date for prom: his cat Ruby. Ruby and Steingard go way back, according to BuzzFeed, which makes them typical high school sweethearts.
A photo posted by Ruby the Pretty Kitty (@rubytheprettykitty) on
When it came time for prom, it only made sense that Steingard take Ruby, especially given that Steingard didn't want to stay too long, and as a cat, Ruby wouldn't technically be allowed into prom. All this meant that Steingard and his date truly only had the chance to show their love during pre-prom and the all important prom photos.
Sleepwalking is actually terrifying. Not just for those who have to deal with their spouses or family members stumbling around in the middle of the night, but for the sleepwalkers themselves, who have been betrayed by their own brains when they’re just trying to get a calming respite from the terrors of life. And yet, as these stories from redditors prove, sleepwalking can also be just plain hilarious.
Not as hilarious as an old Popeye cartoon, but still hilarious.
1. Keinichn saw his brother do something while sleepwalking that would explain why his family hates Thanksgiving.
My brother once sleepwalked into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and proceeded to piss right into a small bowl of gravy. Still hilarious to this day.
2. ExpAwesome found a knife in the bathroom and there was a perfectly reasonable explanation: dreamtime ravine monsters.
Here is one my mom told me when I asked her why a butcher's knife (from downstairs) was in the upstairs bathroom. She said she had a dream about a ravine with a rope and monsters trying to cross using the rope, so she ran and got the knife to cut it. When she woke up, she was at the top of the stairs holding a knife. She put it in the bathroom and went back to sleep.
3. Sometimes, like Upvote_Responsibly, you just have to get yourself some sugar. Like literally. Even when you're sleeping.
Apparently during the night I had gone into the kitchen and made a loud noise when closing a cabinet door. My mom investigated the sound and found me laying on the kitchen counter, passed out, hand in a bag of sugar. She carried me back to my room and my family had a good laugh about it the next morning
4. Jelly-man likes to keep a tidy bedroom and nothing is going to get in the way of that, especially not wakefulness.
I went to bed, nothing out of the ordinary, except it was hot so I had kicked off the comforter and was just under the sheet. I woke up the next day, backwards, with my feet by my pillow and my head at the other end. A little strange but nothing too crazy, I'm a rough sleeper, it's not too strange to think I could have turned around over the course of the night. The weird thing though, was I was on top of the covers, and the bed was made. And I mean perfectly made. The pillow was fluffed, leaning against the headboard and under the covers. The covers were neatly pressed and tucked in. And even the sheet under the comforter was flat and tucked in. The bed looked like it has never been used. That was freaky.
5. This person deleted their account, so maybe they actually did win the lottery for the real and want their privacy?
I dreamed about I won the first prize of the lottery. And the lottery is in my mum's handbag. So I got up and searching the lottery in the bag which is hung on the wall. The noises I made woke up my mum and she came to me and asked me what I was doing. I just didn't want to tell her I won the lottery. So I told her I felt hot and I was looking for the remote control of air condition. Then she yelled at me said it's not that hot now go back to sleep. She didn't realize that I was sleepwalking. Aww I still feel guilty for not wanting to tell her I won the lottery
All about that cash, son.
6. Fundindelve's uncle makes the worst sandwiches.
My dad told me about one of my uncles who was a regular sleep walker. Early one morning he dismantled an alarm clock in the kitchen and used parts of it in a sandwich.
7. Irrepressible87 has a secret life as the dream world's biggest inveterate gambler.
When I was 11, my father came home late from work one night, and glancing into my room, noticed me sitting, cross-legged on my bed, hands in my lap, fingers up; in short, posed as if I were holding cards. He greeted me, then realized that the room was dark, and my eyes were closed. I "looked" up at him, and declared that "every time I play this fucking game, I get my ass kicked", and promptly slumped out of bed and onto the floor.
8. Let this be a lesson to you: tie down your sleepwalking friend, like moonbutton, or totally awesome stuff will happen and you'll get drunk with a homeless guy.
I went to a motel to get wasted with my friends, and because we were in a building nobody thought to tie me down, since I usually only sleepwalk when I am outdoors. Unfortunately, someone left the window cracked and the outdoors called to me, and I walked off... straight into a small ravine. That time I was only woke up bruised, but a homeless guy came up and made sure I was okay so I took him back to the room for some beers.
9. This story from legreatescape is about to become a hot internet fad called "sleep-biscuiting."
A mate told me this one last night about some girl that he knows: She got up in the middle of the night and got a chocolate biscuit out of the packet. Then she held it up to the light until the chocolate had melted, stuck the melty chocolate side of the biscuit firmly to her sleeping sister's forehead and went back to bed. All while completely asleep.
10. User labielle87 has both excellent comic timing and physical comedy skills, but unfortunately it's only when she's asleep.
A few weeks ago I fell asleep on the couch while my boyfriend was playing video games on our laptop in the bedroom. Apparently I walked into the bathroom turned on the hot water in the sink and filled a cup, then walked into the bedroom and asked how his game was going. He said he was getting slaughtered. I laughed said "it's about to get worse" and threw the water at him.
Splash.
11. TallTonyH just wrote a treatment for The Hangover 4.
On the Thai island of Koh Tao. I fell asleep in my hotel and woke up, sitting on a parked moped yelling at a Thai lady to sell me some petrol, in my underpants, a few kms from my hotel. I had a moment like in Saving Private Ryan when on the beach he gets shell shocked and the sound gradually gets turned back on. I realized what was happening and took off running. In my dream I was in a moped race with my friends and was running low on petrol. That's how I found out I sleepwalk.
12. What's scarier? That bluefeesh's dad has major sleepwalking episodes, or that he uses words like "winky"?
My dad used to sleep walk occasionally. One night he got up and walked straight into the door. My mom went to check on him, and apparently he had to use the bathroom so my mom walks him there. For the next few minutes we could hear him (my sister and I were in our tv room) whining and carrying on about how his "winky was broken". He sounded genuinely upset about it. He finally manages to go and my mom makes him get back in bed.
13. The desire for chocolate runs incredibly deep. Or for yourestreetsbehind, subconsciously.
One night my mom made chocolate cake right before our bedtime. We begged for a piece but she said we couldn't have any until tomorrow and sent us to bed. My mom awoke the next day to find what was left of the cake in the middle of the kitchen floor. There was cake all over the kitchen walls and chocolate hand and foot prints leading up the stairs to my sister's bedroom. She found my sister sound asleep in her bed covered in chocolate (especially her face because she kept trying to eat the cake and missing her mouth). My sister didn't remember any of it.
14. If you're looking for a job, do what the brother of caro822 did: go to sleep and wait for the offers to roll in.
My brother once walked down to Cumberland Farms at like 4 in the morning, filled out a job appellation,and was very surprised when he got a call telling him he had the job that he had no recollection of applying for. Sleeping him was much more productive than awake him.
15. "A Fish Smoked a Banana" is either KokiriResident's sleepwalking ramblings or the greatest song Frank Zappa never recorded.
I used to walk into my parent's room and stand over them and rub my hands together while staring at the ceiling. It probably wasn't great to wake up to. Then I would just start telling them random things. I used to go on and on about how the thing in the backyard was back and I'm still not entirely sure what that means. Once, I told them that a fish smoked a banana.
16. Unlike in years past, today's military is a much more progressive place where soldiers like IamAbc's cohort are free to do whatever they want to with their underwear.
It's not about me, but when I was going through basic training this kid had chronic sleep walking. Every night.
He would wake up, slowly take his pants off, take his shirt off, and stand there in underwear before he reached into his wall locker and grabbed a fresh new pair of underwear. He would then take off the old ones and replace them into the wall locker and put the new ones on his arms and go to the bathroom and do PT. Like push ups, sit ups, giving reporting statements every few seconds, flutter kicks, then stand up and go back to his bed and throw his pillow and get in bed, entirely naked with underwear on his arms.
Being all that he can be.
17. If there's another way to make eggs, gelindin, we haven't heard about it.
I'm not a sleep walker, but my husband is. I found him the the kitchen at the stove with a pot, spoon, and an unbroken egg in the pot. He was standing there naked shaking his little bum and moving the egg around the pot. I asked what he was doing and he whispered ' making eggs'.Then walked back to bed.
18. Yeah, man, like StickleyMan says, mind your business and go back to Peru, whatever that is.
My roommate once found me standing in front of the fridge, freezer door open, gnawing on a frozen bagel. When he asked me what I was doing, I told him to mind his fucking business and go back to Peru. He's never even been to Peru.
As Beyoncé sings in "Formation"—"I'm so reckless when I rock my Givenchy dress (stylin')"—teen India Ross got her prom inspiration from the Queen. Short a few million dollars to spend on an actual Givenchy dress, she created the look on her own, and killed it.
Because Internet gonna Internet, people did throw shade India's way, saying she looked like "a cheap knockoff" (as if she should have worn Givenchy to prom). People even misinterpreted her homage as an attempt to replace the queen. She wrote on Instagram:
"The fact that people think I let ignorance ruin me, let's make this clear, I do not think I'm Beyoncé but she's my inspiration. I think somebody is confused on an inspiration. Just because she has on a #Givenchy dress [doesn't] mean [I'm] supposed to have a million dollar dress on. I still look so god damn fine in my Walmart, eBay, Michaels, cheap looking #givenchy dress
Aussie woman Chloe Tiffany Enright shared a story on Facebook that's kind of sad, but stay with it to be rewarded with both a greater faith in humanity and some baby animal pictures. Enright, 9NEWS reported, was driving along when she saw a dead kangaroo and was compelled to turn around. (SAD PICTURE WARNING, SCROLL PAST FOR CUTE PICTURES.)
Congrats, you survived the sad picture. Here's a reward:
Enright explained that the little joey's mother had likely been struck by a car a few days before Enright chanced upon the kangaroo and checked her pouch. The mother died the morning Enright found her and the joey, who is a few months old.
When Enright first encountered the poor joey and realzied her momma roo was dead, she carefully took the joey out of the mom's pouch and quickly applied heat with her own pouch.
A quick snuggle fest took place before Enright could get the proper gear at a local vet to take care of the baby.
Enright explained the steps she took to take care of the kangaroo on Facebook, along with many hashtags.
Enright's two kids, who were there when Enright found the joey, have been helping out with the baby animal.
The children have also aided Enright with the very important task of naming the baby joey.
Enright wrote that her daughter told her, "[W]e should call her angel mummy as they were watching over her until we found her." That kid is as cute as the little joey.
Once we invited a couple from church over to our house for the first time, to watch a Bears game. At the time my son was 3 or 4, and would refer to the teams by their jersey color. Well, that day they were playing the Falcons, and the Bears were in white. A few minutes into the game, my son wanders up to me and quietly asks "Which one is Bears?" I told him it was the white team. To which he then shouts out "Yeah, we cheer for the white guys, because we don't like black guys, right Dad?"
I had to awkwardly say "Yes, the Falcons are wearing black, and today we do not like them because they're against the Bears."
Everyone laughed a bit, but there were some side glances.
Me, at 4 y/o, a very (read: non-stop) chatty child. In a crowded shop, clear as a bell:
"My daddy slept on top of my mummy last night!"
Bunk beds, we had just arrived on holiday on an overnight ferry, and my parents slept in bunk beds, with my dad in the top one. They've never let me forget it, though I suspect it's coz they never will either...
3. Fat_bloated_Jesus had an experience more embarrassing than their username.
My boy when he was learning to talk, he said cock instead of clock. He was infatuated with them and would point and scream "cock cock". One day we were in Target and went down the clock aisle and the next thing I hear is him screaming "There are cocks everywhere".
4. Kalvinistkween's son turns a wedgie into an opportunity.
When my son, redditor "Magus5311", was around 3, he was behind me on the church pew while we were all standing up singing. He pulled a tampon out of my purse, opened it, and was pulling it apart playing with it. Naturally everyone on the pew behind me watched the whole thing. I was horrified. Then a year or so later, he had made a little paper thermometer in Sunday School. I guess it was part of their bible lesson somehow... ?? And again, while we were standing up singing, the lady in front of us had her skirt stuck in her crack... as sometimes happens with large people... well, i guess seeing this large target was too much of a temptation. He leaned over the pew and tried getting a rectal temp. I'm sure I shooed his hand down right way, but not after people behind us got a big laugh. He has always kept us in stitches.
5. Evil_Iowan's nephew accidentally sounded even more evil.
While packing up leftovers at a restaurant, my nephew said to the waitress, "We're going to take this home for our black girl!"
Context: They have two dogs named Nadia and Suri, but my brother-in-law thinks those names are stupid, so he just refers to each dog by the color of its fur, white and black respectively. Collectively, they are "the girls." I guess the possibility of a misunderstanding never occurred to my bro-in-law when it came to these nicknames. All our faces were red as we stammered to explain to the waitress that we weren't subjugating a young lady of color.
6. Hailnobra's son is the one who does the spanking.
My wife and I still goof around a lot (trying to keep it PG). Anyway, I had a bad habit of smacking my wife on the ass to surprise her whenever I could (and walking away like nothing happened). Well, it appears that our observant 3 year old caught on to this and got a kick out of mom's reaction.
So one day, my wife picks up jr. from daycare to get a rather interesting report. All the kids were let out for play time. During this time, the daycare teacher tries to get some of the reports done for the parents. Well one of the teachers was leaning over the table writing reports and minding her own business when my son walks by. He gives her a solid smack on the rear and keeps on walking like nothing happened. About 3 other teachers saw this happened and thought it was the funniest thing they had ever seen. My wife was beet red when they told her about it. I wasn't sure how to handle it when I got home! I ended up telling him it was funny once, but he should never do it again. Thankfully he hasn't made a habit of it, and I had to break mine :(.
7. SAHDman's ghost story is a lesson in diversity training.
This happened to my brother. His oldest son was around 4 and they were walking in the mall when a lady in a burka walked by. My nephew grabbed my brother's armed and yelled "Dad! It's a ghost!" Man I wish I had been there
8. LovingMama's username makes it clear that the smacking was just a game.
Taught my 5 year old son that game where you hover your hands above the other person's and they have to try and smack your hands before you pull them away. Many giggles were had. Fast forward to the next day at the store. My son, very loudly, says "Mommy. Please don't smack me again today. I still hurt from yesterday. Please Mommy." I've never wanted to melt away so badly.
This is actually a story from when I was a kid that was pretty embarassing for my parents: when I was 6, the 1980 Winter Olympics were going on, and I became a huge fan of the US hockey team that won the gold medal. One day in school as the Olympics were in progress, my 1st-grade teacher (Mrs. Silverstein) gave my class an assignment to draw a picture of something that made us happy. I drew what was making me the happiest at that time, the US hockey team winning a game. For some reason I wanted to draw a picture of the players shaking hands after the game, and the game that had just happened was when the US played the West German team. So I drew a bunch of hockey players all shaking hands, and the US flag, and having no idea what the West German flag looked like, but with a recent field trip to Lakehurst NJ where the Hindenburg crashed still fresh in my mind, I knew what the German flag from back in the 30's looked like, so I drew that as well. So my drawing that I turned in to Mrs. Silverstein was a bunch of guys shaking hands in front of the US flag and a Nazi swastika. I remember being quite confused when my parents had to bring me to meet with the teacher and a vice principal to discuss the inappropriateness of my drawing.
10. Error_Flynne's five-year-old hasn't read about fat-shaming on the Internet yet.
Was riding on a public bus and my five year old put her hand on a guy's shoulder in the seat front of us and said - "This man is very fat."
"When you were around 6 or 7, you went through a stage where you tried to translate Spanish words to English in the most literal sense. It was funny, until you started screaming, "stop molesting me!" to your brother at the grocery store."
In Spanish, to annoy someone is "molestar", so yeah. Sorry, ma.
12. Buried_Dolls's daughters smelt it and dealt it, but Rowan Atkinson would be proud.
I have two girls, 10 and 9. I decided to gather up their cousins (my niece and nephew) and take them to go see Johnny English. The theater was moderately full and it was the daytime, so children weren't minded too much.
That was until my 9 year old decided to test everyone's noses and unleash a series of hellish farts that would make a grown man with a beefy bean burrito fetish cry.
She continued to far with no regard to the people behind us really, and I told her to let me know if she had to use the bathroom. Nope, didn't work. She kept quiet, covering her fart with laughs up until the point I flat out asked, "Little girl, do you have to booboo? I'll -take- you to the bathroom, please stop!"
Of course, she didn't. Silent but deadlys, little poppers, big whomps. And I seriously started to think she did it on purpose. The people behind us moved, and as soon as ending credits went, we high tailed it out of there.
She didn't have to use the bathroom, but I had a long discussion about her farting habits. I don't know if it was that new healthy pack that AMC has for kids (Wheat chips with apple juice? If I remember that right..) but good lord, that was the worst.
Tl;dr: Kid farts up movie theater, people gagged and moved as a result.
13. Lynxface's student already knows the truth about pubes.
I was working in a kindergarden. Kids were eating lunch in complete silence when one kid suddenly blurted out "my mom has a beard on her peepee!". All the employees cracked up
My brother was up when he was supposed to be in bed (he was maybe 4) and he went onto the deck to find my parents naked in the hot tub. His perfectly understandable reaction was to lock them outside naked. They had to go the neighbor's house to get the key.
15. Acousticbrouse's sister is already an anatomy professor.
When my youngest sister was around 5 my mum had explained where pee comes from, and that boys and girls have different parts etc. So, in the grocery store my sister points to a guy and shouts "MOMMY, HE HAS A PENIS," and upon seeing a woman shouts "AND SHE, SHE HAS A VAGINA." This went on for roughly 10 minutes before my mum just hoisted her out of the store and drove away in shame.
16. And for the grand finale, here's Uglypants_Superface with the masterpost.
A few years ago, I found a contest online where people wrote about embarrassing stuff that their kids had done or said. I copied and pasted it into an email to my wife, because I thought she'd dig them.
I just searched for the website and it's gone, but I still have the entire list, which I'll post below. Sorry for any editing problems. I'm not really a computer guy. edit: The comment was way too long. More below.
Everyone Knows How You Roll
1.) "Happened to a divorced friend of mine: She was having a small dinner party, and her five-year-old daughter came dancing out with her vibrator, which she had dressed in Barbie clothes.
Spit-takes all around...."
-Cobwebs
2.) "Son had recently interrupted a bit of mom-on-dad oral action. He brought it up Sunday morning in line at the bagel store with his dad:
'Daddy, remember that one time, when you were PEEING IN MOMMY'S MOUTH?'" -sasha
3.) A good friend told me about her (then five-year-old) daughter staying with her mother for the day. Apparently, grandma had When Harry Met Sally on the TV, and when it got to the fake-orgasm-in-the-restaurant scene, M___ looked up and asked, 'Nanny, what's she doing?'
Grandma replied, in defuse mode, "She just really likes her pie, honey."
'Oh.' M___ went back to her coloring, then said, without looking up, "My mommy likes my daddy like that.'" -apostropher
4.) "At 6 [my daughter]shouted out from our front door to her best friend across the street, just as the mothers of every child I taught that year were coming out of the library we lived next to, 'No, you don't either have to be a virgin to get married. My mother says she wasn't.'" -Maya's Granny
5.) "I've remembered something my youngest brother did when he was three. We were in a swanky area of town outside a cafe waiting to cross the street. He was behaving himself by sitting on the ground and playing with a truck. A waitress in a hurry stepped over him. He got this look of concern on his face, toddled over to where she was serving a group of men her age and asked seriously, 'Why aren't you wearing any underpants?'
She fled. He nearly went after her, still curious and worried." -The Unshaven
6.) "A friend had re-entered the dating scene and found a new boyfriend, thus had to stop sleeping with her 4 yr old. She explained to the girl that she could still sleep in Mommy's bed sometimes, for a special treat, but not every night.
One day my friend's mom comes over in the morning and greets her granddaughter, asking her if she had a good nights sleep. And the little girl says 'Yes Gramma, but I had to sleep in my own room because [boyfriend] was getting a special treat!'"- d
7.) "My mom was a pot-smokin' hippie when I was a young child. She was very liberal about doing so in front of me, even to the point of having me help pick out seeds and lick the rolling papers.
One day when I was about four, we had just returned from an extended camping trip to discover that several days prior our (middle-aged and conservative) neighbors had mown a significant portion of our lawn. My mother was outside talking to them and thanking them for being so kind, when I suddenly dashed into the house.
I returned a few moments later with a white slip of paper, grabbed a bit of the dried out grass clippings, rolled a clumsy joint, licked the paper, handed it to my mom and announced "Look, Mommy, now you won't have to buy it anymore!!"
I'm kind of amazed that we didn't get some kind of authorities called on us..." -moonriseeyes
An optical illusion that was first found on Reddit is going viral because it's very difficult to figure out what the fuss is about on your own. Unless, of course, you do see the illusion quickly, in which case congratulations to you. You're a winner.
Here is a boring old brick wall.
Think carefully about this brick wall. Take all the time you've got.
It's a scientifically unproven fact that head scratching helps the thinking process.
Maybe go back and look closely at the little rock wedged between the bricks?
Because it's not a rock.
It's a cigar with the lit end sticking out of the bricks.
Now that you see it, do you suddenly feel like a god among men?
It's acceptable if you do this.
You should, because as far as optical illusions go, that was a tricky one. If you want to continue frustrating your mind, go back and try to un-see the cigar and return the image to a simple rock stuffed amongst the bricks.
Germany spent $136,000 on a sex-education website specifically targeted to foreigners. The message is clear: Germans want sex partners with skills, so don't even try to get off until after you've logged on.
This is the very tamest image on the site.
Of course, EVERYONE wants a sex partner with skills, so what gives, Germany?
According to UPI, the German Federal Center for Health Education created the website specifically to help the large Middle Eastern immigrant population making their way into Germany. Compared to those just arriving, Germans are very open (ahem) sexually, and the government wants to make sure they are fitting in (cough cough).
There's even tips on how to bang a preggo (our translation).
To ensure everyone gets a clear picture of what is and isn't cool to do while sex-making, they have created a very descriptive website full of illustrations and descriptions of sex acts, with topics like "the body and sex," "virginity," and "sexual problems and fears."
Please note the frowny face to indicate bad boning.
There are some really hot tips on there, for example this note to first timers:
Make sure that no one can disturb you. They are then relaxed.
Anyone else ready to do the nasty?
They also make sure to acknowledge that good sex is no one specific thing:
There are no rules to define what is good sex and what is not. This varies from person to person... You must not do anything or love.
Germans aren't known for their romantic nature, but let's just hope that one is a misfire in the translation.
The website doesn't shy away from the details, either. They explain almost every position, from missionary, to oral, to...
This is their not-quite-specific-enough depiction of anal.
While the site was intended for immigrants, it seems reasonable that anyone planning to visit Germany check the site out. Get on over there and bone up on that sex-ed.
Chrissy Teigen and John Legendare the First Couple of the Internet, ruling the kingdom with their glamor and gifting the world with pictures of the new princess. To celebrate baby Luna's one month birthday, Legend strapped on the baby bjorn as the family went for a walk (wow!!), and Teigen shared one of the inevitable paparazzi photos with the caption, "Get it dilf!!"
A photo posted by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on
Teigen hath officially decreed Legend a DILF (dad I'd lick to f*ck, for the uninitiated) which is cute and nice, and considering the fact that they're married with a baby, hopefully she's sealed the deal.
The couple is arguably the most touchy-feely celebrity pair on Instagram, posting snuggly selfies at every opportunity.
A photo posted by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on
If they were just a normal couple on your feed, you'd probably unfollow, but the fact that they are beautiful celebrities means they can get away with being braggarts.
Shia LaBeouf sported his natural curly hair at Cannes for the premiere of his movie American Honey, reminding people of when he was an adorable character on a Disney Channel show, and not a slightly unhinged, long-suffering thespian.
"Can't start too much trouble, bro, I'm wearing a white tuxedo jacket."
He's probably just growing out his hair because he'll be playing the part of John McEnroe in the upcoming movieBorg vs McEnroe. No, he can't play tennis, but that's okay, because he will commit himself and learn to play like a professional, because he's an artist, devoted to his craft. He'll probably go without sleep for weeks at a time to practice his backhand and serve and…lob and…whatever other tennis things there are. He'll wear that goddamn terrycloth tennis headband like no one's ever worn a headband before.
In the movie at Cannes, American Honey, LaBeouf plays "Jake," a penniless traveling magazine salesperson. On his casting in that movie as well as Borg vs McEnroe, he said (in a press conference): "Jake is me. So is McEnroe. That’s it, man. I understand these people, I empathize with them. I get it. You turn things up and turn things down. It’s me." Oh, Shia. It probably is. Who even knows what you're talking about. Doesn't matter.
Anyway, the curls are a really good look compared to his last year's Cannes style, which was paper bag chic.
Ceci n'est pas un sac en papier.
Here's the thing about Shia—he's a little weird. But that's okay. That's good. That's great, even. There are people who love love love Shia, despite the fact that their significant others mock them for this pure love and their best friends act ashamed and sort of sorry for them. There are people who love Shia, even when he has a rattail mullet. Actually, especially when he has a rattail mullet (rattails are coming back in style. Never give up hope). And extra especially when he's dirty, bearded, and half naked in the video for Sia's "Elastic Heart" (Sia-Shia).
So yeah, embrace Shia looking "normal" and acting "sane" at Cannes, but shun him when he's "headbutting" people or "getting arrested" during Broadway musical Cabaret for "disorderly conduct." But just remember, if you can't handle Shia at his "Nymphomania press conference statement," you don't deserve him at his "watching himself in every movie he's ever made."
Since she was a child, Shanna Wagnor had always admired a photo of her grandparents on their wedding day. Wagnor told Someecards that she dreamed of wearing her grandmother's lovely dress when it came time for her to get married.
Shanna's grandparents on their wedding day in 1955.
The perfect opportunity arrived last year when she wore the dress in her engagement photos with her fiancé, Sean Lewis. The photos were snapped by photographer Lori Paladino.
They unleashed a flurry of adorable poses whilst standing on an apartment rooftop in San Francisco, California.
Shanna definitely won the grandma-wedding-dress lottery, because her grandmother's dress is super classy and chic. Sorry hipsters, you can't have it.
You look dastardly handsome too, Sean!
Wagnor asked her grandma if she could have the dress and make alterations so it can fit her. "She [her grandma] wasn't sure what I was borrowing the dress for, but was happy to see it being used again. I asked if I could alter it (removed the scalloped detail at the neck) and she was luckily supportive since I wasn't changing it too much," she said.
The dress is finally hers.
Wagnor said her grandparents were both "pleasantly surprised" to see her wearing the dress in the engagement photos. She added that her "grandfather couldn't believe it was the same dress, and they were both happy to see it being worn again."
Her grandparents loved the way the dress came out.
Her grandparents' romantic wedding photo is complimented with an equally romantic love story, Wagnor said:
They met in high school and dated throughout their short time together at UC Berkeley. They were both students at UC Berkeley, until my grandfather was called to serve in World War II in Germany. While stationed in Germany after the war, my grandfather proposed via letter, and my grandmother accepted via letter. He mailed an engagement ring to her that he purchased on the army base. She flew to Germany, where they married and lived for another year before returning to the states.
May this stunning wedding dress be altered to fit generations to come.
The young couple, who have been together for six years, will be getting hitched in California's wine country this June.
After you've been on the receiving end of a particularly nasty rejection—after the crying, the hating, the angry and/or self-pitying texts to all your friends—there's only one more step in the grieving process: posting the story online. Thanks to severalglorious, vengefulAskReddit threads, there is now a wealth of anecdotes out there from the rejected. Here are the best tales from people who have opened up about the most ridiculous ways they've ever been turned down.
Use these stories as a reminder that no matter how harshly you've been rejected, others have come back from way more savage turn-downs. Or, if you're the worst, use this to mine new ways to reject your own suitors in the future.
1. Let's start it off with the meanest thing ever done by a Canadian, which was done to redditor LooseStuul.
Despite the gross username, still didn't deserve it.
A photo posted by Luisa Fernanda Espinosa (@luisafere) on
3. This girl's story is far more relatable than anyone would like to admit.
Edit: I'm a girl, btw.
5th grade science class I get out my gel pens and carefully write my note to the cutest guy in class. I finished and took one last look down at my note; "Do you like me? Yes or No". At the bottom I made check boxes for yes and no.
Not only did that fucker check "no", he also wrote 'no' and circled no in my sentence. I've never trusted a Brandon since.
Everyone join together and subjugate the Brandons of the world.
4. Guigoudelapoigne met a girl who just wanted to make sure they were on the same, cruel page.
When I was like 14, I asked a girl to go out with me. Here is what she said : "But...you know you are ugly? Don't you..?".
I mean, you don't have to say that, you can just say "no". Why do you add more? This is just cruel.
That shit hurts when you're a teen.
It still hurts when you're an adult, but at least then you can drink.
5. The_Fad has a long story that only gets sadder as it goes on.
I'd been toying with the idea of pursuing a relationship with a cute, girl-next-door kind of girl just after high school. We had known each other through high school, but only really connected as friends about a year after we'd graduated over summer vacation when I'd come back to my parent's house for the summer.
I felt like she was into me too, and we went on a couple of us-only dates so I was fairly certain I had a shot. One night after hanging out with a bunch of other people, most everyone had gone home and we were hanging out for a little bit after. We'd walked to a nearby gas station to get something to drink and had made it all the way back to her driveway. It was like 3 in the fucking morning, so I wanted to go home and sleep, but I had one more thing to do before I left. It was a clear night, cool but not cold, and there was no moon so you could see more of the sky than usual (because we were in a residential area the streetlights still blocked out most of the stars), so it was pretty much as romantic as it was gonna get.
We were hugging goodbye and the hug lasted a little longer than normal, and when she pulled away she looked up at me and smiled. I tried to seize the moment in the stupidest fucking way possible: "Can I kiss you?"
Her eyes went wide and she blushed but didn't answer. She just hugged me again and buried her face in my chest. I wrapped my arms back around her and just kind of...like, patted her on the back. I heard what sounded like muffled sniffs coming from her and I hugged her tighter, "It's ok, don't cry." She responded with something that I couldn't understand but I figured I wouldn't respond immediately. She kept her face buried in my chest for a few more seconds, then pulled away. Her face was red as a beet and she unwrapped herself from me and clasped her hands behind her back. I asked her, "What'd you say? I didn't hear you."
She wouldn't meet my eye and spoke softly and quickly, "Oh, uh...I said iwasntcrying." She flashed me a smile and said thanks for hanging out and to text her tomorrow. I told her I would and as she went through her front door, I got in my car and just kind of sat there for a minute.
She hadn't been crying, I realized. She'd been laughing.
6. Chroncraft has great taste in both love and friendship.
When I was 15 there was a girl I had a crush on who worked at Dairy Queen near my house. I would go in and buy Blizzards every week just to see her but never made any attempt to ask her out because I was shy. She knew I had a crush on her, most likely because I couldn't stop blushing when I would go in.
I was always considered cute by the girls at school but never really had any courage to make moves. My best friend at the time was taller, lankier and a complete chodebag. He had some of the worst acne I had ever seen but always seemed to have luck with the ladies, probably because he was confident.
Fast forward a year, him and I are drinking at a party. Suddenly the door opens and a girl walks in. It's the girl from Dairy Queen. We all get to talking and drinks are being had, flirting is going on. I ask her if she wants to come to the bedroom to "hang out". My friend overhears this and chimes in: "or would you like to come with ME to the bedroom to hang out?"
She stands up, looks at the two of us and walks over to my friend, takes his hand and leads him to the bedroom.
I can't even begin to describe how low my heart sunk that day.
7. Ladies and gentlemen alike: please stop pretending you don't speak English. It's obvious to Urgullibl you speak English.
8. MattBarnthouse got the ole' one-person Irish good bye.
Always hire a bunch of kids to announce the end of the date.
9. Another lost-in-translation moment, this one's really bad. But, this time it honestly seems like a mistake. That said, yeah, it's still really, really bad.
10. StableMatch's username is not referring to this encounter.
I was talking to a girl who was out with her friends. I guess I didn't realize she wasn't into it, one of her friend chimed in and was like "Why are you still talking to her? Look at her and look at yourself. Do you really think she'd be interested in you?" the girl I was talking with just laughed at how mean her friend was being to me.
Got to respect that kind of honesty though.
11. Great line. 10/10, would use again. Thank you NoButWait.
Use it if you wanna get slapped!
12. And take inspiration from the villain in Cananbaum's story if you definitely want to get punched in the face.
My sister isn't on here... but I want to tell her story because it made me feel really bad for her and help me understand what women can go through.
My sister I guess hooked up with a classmate a few times and says they got along very well, sometimes coming over to hookup and never getting the chance because they would get so lost in conversation.
So she asks him one day saying, "Hey we get along well and I think you're pretty attractive, maybe we can go on date?"
Without a beat the guy looks to her and says, "Listen, I'll have sex with you, but I can't be seen in public with you."
She claims she clocked the guy and never spoke to him again.
Being a rock star and being an actor are not all that different. They both involve getting up in front of people, adopting some kind of persona, and then receiving lots of praise. However, acting requires one suite of skills, whereas playing the guitar while singing requires quite another. Being good at one does not necessarily predict success at the other. Just ask these famous actors/non-famous musicians:
1. Keanu Reeves.
Not sure if you know this, but in addition to acting and music, he also knows kung fu.
Back in the '90s, Reeves played bass in an alternative rock band called Dogstar. They were good enough to score gigs at major clubs in the Los Angeles area, probably because Keanu Reeves was in the band and there's nothing more L.A. than early '90s Keanu Reeves. Weezer's first gig was as an opening act for Dogstar.
2. Adrien Grenier.
"Guys! Guys! A band is kind of like an entourage! Guys? Guys?"
It's not a shock that the guy who played Lord Douche in Entourage would have a band. What is surprising is that he's not the lead singer of the Honey Brothers, but the drummer. Even weirder: one of the other members is named Ari Gold, which is the name of the character that Jeremy Piven played on Entourage.
3. Bill Paxton.
Game over, man.
Paxton headed up a band in the '80s called Martini Ranch. They definitely had a Wall of Voodoo-meets-Devo vibe going on. Their video "Reach" was directed by James Cameron, who directed Paxton (or Bill Pullman, a joke we are legally required to make) in Aliens and Titanic.
4. Hugh Laurie.
"Why, I suppose I could play a little piano…"
No matter what Laurie is appearing in—A Bit of Fry and Laurie,Jeeves and Wooster, or House—he always winds up sitting at a piano so he can show off. He found a proper outlet with the formation of Band From TV. The typical lineup of this very kitschy group: Hugh Laurie on the keys! Greg Grunberg from Heroes on drums! Some dude from Desperate Housewives on guitar! One of The Bachelor bachelors on vocals! Get it? They're all on TV.
5. Billy Bob Thornton.
"And here's a song about relationships, which like bands, last forever."
In his band Tres Hombres, which is named for a ZZ Top album, Billy Bob Thornton plays exactly the kind of music you would expect Billy Bob Thornton to play in a band named after a ZZ Top album. From their album Private Radio, here's a song about his then-wife, Angelina Jolie.
6. Kevin Bacon.
In Canada, they call them the Ham Brothers.
You know those Viagra commercials where dudes in their 50s are so jazzed about getting to hang out in side-by-side bathtubs with their wives and then boning later that they form a garage rock band and rock out in a garage to songs that are unheard under the list of side effects read aloud but you can be reasonably sure its Steppenwolf's "Born to Be Wild"? That commercial is based on the Bacon Brothers, fronted by Michael Bacon and also Kevin Bacon. They've released four albums. They even covered the theme from Footloose.
7. Jada Pinkett Smith.
Probably screaming about something Jaden said.
Smith formed an all-female band called Wicked Wisdom. They ride the line between girl group and nu metal, and are subsequently the only group to ever open for Britney Spears (2004) and also play Ozzfest (2006).
8. Russell Crowe.
"But is it too many odd foot of grunts?"
Crowe started his career in New Zealand as a pop star named Russell Le Roq. It didn't work out, so he became an actor, and won an Oscar for Gladiator. Then he had the clout to go back at music, forming a band called 30 Odd Foot of Grunts that is not nearly as bad as its name.
9. Johnny Depp.
Friends with P, down with P.
With all of the elaborate facial hair and scarves, Johnny Depp already looks like a rock star. That self-fulfilling prophecy bore fruit in the '90s when Depp was part of P, a rock band that also included Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Gibby Haynes of the Butthole Surfers. They played often at The Viper Room, a club famous for being 1) where River Phoenix died, and 2) partly owned by Johnny Depp. P did have a minor rock radio hit with a cover of ABBA's "Dancing Queen."
10. Steven Seagal.
The American blues tradition is under siege.
Steven Seagal literally kicked ass. His blues rock band Thunderbox? Not so much. You know, he's always kind of resembled Jim "Blues Brothers 2000" Belushi, but especially when he's also pretending to be a blues musician.
On Sunday's episode of KUWTK, Robert Kardashian (the Second) may have let slip the name of his baby with Blac Chyna, before she even got pregnant. Kris Jenner and Kourtney "The Boring One" Kardashian were having lunch when Jenner got a call from her son Rob. They joked around during the conversation, with Rob joking about a son that he presumably did not and still does not have. Jenner joked back, "What's your son's name, Rob? I forgot" and he answered, "Robert. His name is Robert the Third, actually."
What does this mean? Does it mean that Rob Kardashian had already picked out a (somewhat uninspired) name for his son, should he ever have one? After all, his sister Kim gave her son Saint the middle name of Robert, in honor of their dad, Robert Kardashian the First, the Chief of the Kardashian Family (RIP David Schwimmer). Or does it mean that HE PREDICTED THAT HE WOULD SOON BE A DAD TO A BABY BOY? Definitely the latter, right?
Kardashian and Chyna revealed May 6 that they were having a baby, but they haven't revealed the gender yet. Some people are guessing that it's a boy, based on the color choices Chyna used in her Chymojis (mostly blue stuff). A source told RadarOnline:
Prior to Blac Chyna’s pregnancy, Blac and Rob were both looking into genetic engineering to help select the sex of the baby. Several family members believe that they actually went ahead and used the process to make sure that they have a male. Everyone knows that Rob is the one to carry on the Kardashian family name and they know that if he does not have a boy their family name could die.
One trick to having a boy is yelling at the womb "BE A BOY" at least twice a day.
It's up to Rob to carry it on! No pressure, Rob. You got this. And if it turns out to be a girl, you can always ditch it and try again.
Ugh, sometimes you can just work out and work out and work out and still not be able to get rid of that stubborn belly fat. That seems to be the case with Bar Refaeli. On Tuesday, the 30-year-old model posted an Instagram of herself lifting a couple of dumbbells, captioned "No excuses, no filter, no abs."
Just kidding, of course. That belly fat is actually a baby bump, and no amount of weight-lifting or cardio is going to get rid of that. Refaeli is expecting her first child with husband Adi Ezra this summer, and has been posting pictures of her pregnancy on Instagram fairly often.
She was barely showing until she reached five months in March, and goddammit, she's going to show that bump off as much as possible.
Redditor Elikat got a birthday card from her daughter that is painfully adult, reading more like a breakup card than a birthday gift. The seven-year-old, wise beyond her years, knows there comes a time in many relationships when one of the parties has simply outgrown the other, and it's time for them both to move on. She was nice to pad the card with compliments after dropping the bomb, making for a bittersweet greeting.
At least she will call.
For those who have trouble with little-kid handwriting:
I love you mommy because you let me watch t.v. It's ben nice with you but soon I will havet to move on I will call you You are the best mom Ever! Happy brithday!
Love Eva
The only thing missing is "Mom, it's not you, it's me."
The all-boys Brighton Grammar School in Australia has a Facebook page called Understanding Boys, which sadly doesn't offer how to understand boys in 10 easy steps but does share parenting articles. The school posted an article that "resilience coach" Melissa Anderson wrote for them about bullying—and how victims of bullying shouldn't play the victim.
Prepare to strain your eyebrows from raising them so high.
"Is he part of the problem? Even 5%?" Anderson prompted parents to ponder about their bullied sons. "Is he a whinger, a complainer, self-absorbed, an exaggerator, loose with the truth, a passive doormat, displaying negative body language, an approval addict, a try hard, critical or a bad sport?"
Parents, your son may be getting bullied because he sucks.
Anderson's argument seems to boil down to the idea that if your child is a little bitch, he deserves to be bullied.
"That’s not his fault," Anderson said in regards to acne, disabilities, and other reasons kids are victims (though Anderson fails to mention what might be driving the bully to senselessly attack another kid). But you know what is the kid's fault? Getting bullied.
"...owning his small part of the unpleasant problem may be learning to stand up for himself, developing grit, steely self-belief, strong self-esteem, choosing his friends wisely and reminding himself that the bullies are dealing with their own demons and that the problem lies principally with them and not him."
In sum: "Time to own your part, and stop playing the victim." If your face currently looks like this:
Words you may be mouthing right now might include "Whaaat?"
Then congratulations, you're a victim of Anderson's article and you aren't alone. The general reaction from parents has been "NOPE."
The school has since made an apology and wisely canceled Anderson's planned event at Brighton Grammar.
An update from the Headmaster of Brighton Grammar You may be aware of the media coverage today concerning the article, Bullying: helping your son be the victor, not the victim written by Melissa Anderson. There have been some strong responses to Melissa’s bullying article in all forms of media today, some of them expressing great distress and others, interest in the views. Bullying is an extremely sensitive issue and we understand that. As a result of publishing Melissa’s article, it is clear we may have caused upset and distress to some people. We unreservedly apologise for that. Out of respect for people who may have been victims of bullying, and in particular for those who were upset by Melissa’s article, we have made the decision to cancel her presentation tomorrow night at our school and will have further discussions with her about today’s response to her views. However, I would also like to make it clear that I believe it is a school’s responsibility to be proactive about bullying. As well as having a clearly articulated and publicly available policy on bullying (here), we run many programs for the boys about respectful relationships, bullying and such issues. We also like to provide parents with information about a range of issues through parent seminars, weekly tips in our eNewsletter, information nights and online. I apologise for any inconvenience caused by the cancellation of the presentation tomorrow night. Please also know I am available and welcome anybody in the community who would like to discuss the issue of bullying with me. Please do not hesitate to contact me directly by email Ross Featherston, Headmaster
Can you imagine if the event hadn't been canceled?
Seth Rogen, portraying Melissa Anderson.
That thing would've been more intense than the Red Wedding.
