Without The Colbert Report, right-wing blowhards will just have to keep parodying themselves.
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You're the only person I wouldn't freak out sharing a water bottle with.
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We should reconnect so you can see that I'm not fat anymore.
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I don't like being told what to do unless I'm naked.
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The only thing that stands between me and a pay raise is ambition.
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I love you enough to irritate hundreds of people by expressing it on Facebook.
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Every day can be Friday if you're really irresponsible.
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I hope they never make a hall of fame for whatever music you listen to.
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I finally finished planning my wedding and now I just need someone to date.
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I may not have found the right person yet but I'm having a pretty good time with the wrong ones.
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The only experience needed for my job is the ability to withstand doing something you don't like to do for the rest of your life.
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I'm extremely religious when it gets me out of work early on a Monday.
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I can phone it in on Monday at a Friday level.
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Happy Passover to someone I wish would stop trying to pronounce "Pesach."
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I wish Moses would show up at my office and lead us into the desert.
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I enjoyed watching Joffrey die as much as Joffrey enjoyed watching people die.
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Don Draper is even better than you are at pretending to have a real job.
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I'd rather die at a Game of Thrones wedding than spend money to go to one more this year.
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Let's celebrate the Jews escaping from someone who was even worse than King Joffrey.
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If you see me running, call the police.
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