Are you tired of your social media being flooded with pictures of super-moms having it all, pregnant Instagram fitness models doing sit-ups, and celebrities living their best lives? Then you're in luck. Lean back, relax, and realize there's really nothing wrong with using your shirt as a napkin every now and again. Here are 21 tweets to celebrate your inner sloth. Sure, it could've been 25, but eh too lazy.
Summer break is here! Grade school kids and rapper Gucci Mane celebrated their freedom this week, while playoff basketball, the National Spelling Bee and Game Of Thrones kept us glued to our screens. Tweets on these topics, plus jokes about pugs, free range chicken, ghosts and more, in the top 39 tweets of the week!
The National Low Income Housing Coalition has released their yearly findings on what hourly wage an American needs to make in order to rent a two-bedroom unit in each state based off a forty hour work week, and compared to last year's findings, this year is looking even more bleak.
With the cost of housing rising annually, Americans are struggling more than ever to keep a roof over their heads. As of last year, the demand for rental apartments in the US has reached the highest number since the 60's, and still, many Americans, especially poor people and people of color, have not yet recovered from the economic recession. To make matters worse, millennials are now at the age where they would start buying homes, but more are choosing to rent, creating even more demand and further proving that millennials screw everything up. With demand skyrocketing and Americans struggling to make enough money to keep up, housing costs have inflated to the point where many can't afford a place to live. Well, you know what they say.
The national average "housing wage" for 2016 is about $20.30 —without devoting more than 30 percent of income on housing costs. That is& almost a dollar more than 2015's housing wage, which was $19.35. According to City Lab, this is the price average for a very basic, normal two-bedroom home or apartment. As in: bare-bones, no butlers, so swimming pools filled with Jell-O, no helicopters pads. Just a boring unit with two bedrooms.
We’re not talking about luxury apartments here. The report tallies this average hourly wage against the Department of Housing and Urban Development’s Fair Market Rent, an annual estimate of what a family might pay to live in a simple apartment.
According to the map's key, the states in the darkest shades of blue demand the highest wages, while the states in the lightest blue have the lowest. Even so, the lowest housing wages are still very inflated when you take into account that the average hourly wage for Americans is actually $15.42, making a two-bedroom unit out of reach for many who work full-time. Guess it's time to scrape together your pennies for rent and have a yard sale. Or like 12 yard sales.
Hawaii demands the highest wage per hour, at a staggering $34.22. That's over four times the amount of the federal minimum wage, which is only $7.25/hour, and until the government raises or replaces all humans with working robots, it is definitely an unsustainable living.
These maps only examine the housing wage at a state-wide level, but things could get even more depressing if you were to look at individual cities. For example, someone would have to make $44.02 an hour to afford a two-bedroom unit in San Francisco, not to mention the size of apartments and homes in bigger cities are often smaller, so you are paying a ton of money for an apartment that is pretty much the sized of a handicap bathroom stall.
You can find more depressing statistics on City Lab's write-up of the findings, including how many hours you would have to work in order to afford a two-bedroom unit in each state. Let's just say that it is so many hours, you would probably never see sunlight again.
Holy mother of god, no. In her latest video, Dr. Sandra Lee (a.k.a. Dr. Pimple Popper, the internet's favorite dermatologist) takes on the "largest lipoma [she's] ever removed." (Lipoma is just a fancy, college-learnin' word for a benign tumor of body fat). "Enjoy" this extremely gory 30-minute video of invasive surgery.
On the off chance that you don't want to watch a woman have an enormous fatty deposit removed from her body, here's a breakdown of the process. Dr. Lee uses local anesthesia to numb the patient's skin, and then uses a scalpel to cut through the lump, revealing the gigantic mass of yellow fat underneath. Ever have to remove a chicken's innards? Yeah, this is basically that. But bigger.
Over time, the fat being removed starts to look like a Hawaiian pizza sans crust. As Dr. Lee holds a handful of lumpy yellow fat, snipping away at the epidermis that refuses to let go, she tells a story about taking gross anatomy in medical school. Apparently, the cadaver next to hers was an overweight person, and the student dissecting it had to struggle to remove all the fat. After a while, the floor got oily and people would slip it in, and it started to smell bad, and then there were maggots, and okay, that's enough of that. You'll have to watch the whole video if you want more details. Good luck with that.
Stephen Dwyer survived leukemia, but was unable to overcome his pedantic high school administration. Dwyer, his year's class president, spent what should have been his high school graduation watching from the stands because, as Teen Vogue reported, he was 2.5 credits shy of receiving a diploma. Instead, Dwyer gets to walk next year at his Arizona school, with a bunch of kids he doesn't know.
The reason behind the kerfluffle is that during his junior year, Dwyer underwent intensive treatment for leukemia, and subsequently was too preoccupied with his fighting for his life to sit in algebra class. Despite attending no classes at his Arizona high school, Dwyer was still elected senior class president. The kid is well-liked as well as eloquent and hardworking, as this post shared on his Facebook page shows.
Please take a minute to read and share Stephens words......
After a number of conversations with my principal, the superintendent and even members of the school board, my request to my high school that I be a part of graduation this year with my class was denied. I am just 2.5 credits short of meeting the requirements to graduate from Dobson High School. Since I passed the state exams I will easily graduate in December of 2016. As I have no interest in walking with the class of 2017 (they are not my peers and I will be a semester removed from high school at that point). I did not fail any classes nor get suspended for doing something stupid. I had to withdraw from school my entire junior year to receive a life-saving bone marrow transplant (BMT) to treat my high-risk leukemia.
Withdrawing from school for the 2014-2015 school year was not a choice that my family and I made. That was a protocol all BMT patients had to follow during this type of treatment. I had to be in isolation after I received my transplant because my immune system was non-existent; it was just at the beginning of growing again.
I received twelve treatments of chemotherapy and six treatments of radiation in preparation for the transplant. Those caused lingering effects along with: a regiment of over 30 different medications over the span of a year; low blood counts because my new bone marrow was unable to make the normal amount of blood cells. I was more tired than I had ever imagined. From June 2014 until February 2015, I felt too exhausted and sick from different treatments to even think about doing any schoolwork. I slowly started to recover and was able to complete three different online courses between February 2015 and the beginning of the ’15-16 school year.
In April 2015, I was elected Student Body President even though I was not even taking any current classes at my school. With perseverance and by the grace of God, I was able to return to school at the beginning of the 2015-2016 school year, three months before my doctors had originally anticipated me being back. I achieved a 4.2 GPA my first semester back and improved my class rank to 152nd out of 558 students even though I was short a few credits. Recovery slowly continued: I was a part of the varsity swim team again in 2015 after being back in the water only a couple months; I spent all year as President and as a member of the National Honor Society. To push myself a bit harder, I added an “A-hour” class (before first period) to my spring schedule which required sacrificing some extra rest.
I’m very proud of the way I was able to return back to this environment and do the things I was able to do. I don’t think people realize how hard it is to assimilate back into the high school environment after being in isolation for as long as I was. The physical aspect is obviously very difficult but the mental and social aspects are just as challenging. Because of the transplant, I am more susceptible to getting sick and--trust me--I missed a fair share of school for this reason. This school year has been the most difficult year of my life besides the year that I was actually hospitalized with this disease.
The reason I am writing about all of this is not because I want people to feel bad for me or out of spite for my high school. I write this because I believe what is happening to me (being excluded from the graduation ceremony) and other students like me is wrong. Students like me who had to suffer due to no faults of their own are lumped in the same category as those who failed classes or got suspended for doing something stupid. It makes us feel like we are being punished for something we had absolutely no control over whatsoever.
Students who are put in situations like mine are stranded on an island away from all the other normal teenagers. We are drawn away from all the great things that make high school enjoyable. We are in isolation physically and emotionally. One week we’re in the hospital. The next we are just too tired or self-conscious to go to the dance, the game or the party. We miss out on so much and have no choice but to sit at home and observe on social media. The fact that I am not allowed to walk with my class is again putting me on that island.
The “compromise” that Dobson High School and Mesa Public schools dictated was that I could lead the Class of 2016—my classmates—out at the beginning of the ceremony in my normal clothes, then leave them and go to the stands to watch graduation from there. I’m hoping they allow me to take pictures in my cap and gown after the ceremony.
In their eyes it is unacceptable for them to let a kid like me feel normal once again, to be in the same uniform as all his friends who were there with him when he went through this hard journey. I never asked to receive a diploma and am even okay with not walking across that stage or having my name called. I just want to be a part of the ceremony as one of my peers would be. I want to sit on the field in cap and gown, walk in the same line and throw my cap in the air as we all celebrate what we have accomplished. Most people I speak to believe I’ve accomplished far more than what is required to graduate.
I believe the reason that I get so upset and have a hard time letting this go is because the people who work for schools such as principals, superintendents, and even school board members are in this field to do what is best for each student. But in this case it seems to me that they are just looking to do what is best for them. I understand the concern of setting a certain precedent for kids who failed to meet the graduation requirements, but I believe people like me have a special circumstance and don’t deserve to feel like they are being punished. It is hard for me to understand why some people do not look forward to doing such great things for students in these situations because if they were to have let me be with my peers, it would truly “make” this school year for me. I could really use that. I lost a lot of high school memories already and now I’m losing the final one.
One thing I have learned through all of this is that everything happens for a reason and it is God’s plan. I realize that writing this is probably not going to do anything to help my case but I hope that in the future I can help somebody who is going through the same thing I did.
If any principal, superintendent or board member reads this, please make the right call in the future and let the kid walk.
In the end, though, the school didn't relent. Dwyer chilled in the stands while his friends graduated.
The sole concession they gave him was letting Dwyer go onto the field post-ceremony and pose in a cap and gown.
Not quite the same thing as sitting in the gown and becoming incredibly bored with your fellow students. That's a rite of passage he was denied.
A sneaky teenager named Ann celebrated Friday the 13th this month by getting a tattoo. While she immediately announced the ink to the Internet, she managed to keep it a secret from her dad for a few weeks.
When @TeenagePuppy's dad (whose name is presumably @AdultDog) found out about the tattoo, he hilariously trolled her as only a dad could.
It's the ultimate dad joke in 3D.
The tweet has gone viral, racking up over 26,000 retweets and over 43,000 likes within 23 hours.
@count_01@teenagepuppy And the dads at Dad Con who I'm sure gave him some kind of lifetime achievement award for this.
— Brienne of Snarth(@femme_esq) May 27, 2016
@teenagepuppy the best contour method pic.twitter.com/gE2yRlbBUW
— ♡ JULISSA ♡ (@QueenIdle) May 27, 2016
@teenagepuppy Get another tattoo of your dad making fun of your tattoo
— amethyst deceiver (@AmethystDCVR) May 27, 2016
A hilarious, cutting joke.
Chris Allen and his fiancée Jennifer Capo have three kids, one of whom is a young baby, that until recently was feasting on breast milk straight from the source. After Capo went back to work, the task of feeding the couple's baby girl, Destiny, largely fell to Allen, the Huffington Post reported.
Allen heartily accepted the job, and in an effort to make the change easier for his little baby, cut open his shirt Regina George-style in order to replicate the process of breastfeeding. "Eh, I guess it's like breastfeeding, right?" Allen says. Yeah, as close as this dad's going to get to it.
No one on Allen's Facebook page had anything negative to say about him flaunting his breastfeeding online.
A man has received widespread applaud for "breastfeeding." That means it is now socially acceptable to whip out a boob and feed a baby as needed.
PS: It went better than when Peter Griffin tried it.
Yesterday, the Harbor Patrol in Morro Bay, California, responded to a report of an otter pup crying in the harbor. The pup was no more than 12-hours-old, and was giving off distress cries because it had become separated from its mom. With the help of veterinarian Dr. Heather Harris and Fish and Sea Otter Biologist Mike Harris, they located mama. Presumably this meant cruising the harbor until she heard the pup, and it totally worked.
It's a wonderful reunion, and an even more wonderful otter toss.
Now the otters will always have the story about the time when human scientists saved the family.
Google Trends, possessor of all the revealing and embarrassing data on human Internet behavior, is back with evidence that the American education system is still in tatters. The infographic shows the top searches for "how to spell ____" in each state so far this year (continue scrolling for easier-to-read excerpts).
Sure, not all of us can be spelling bee champions, but damn...the good people of Massachusetts should really learn how to spell the name of the place where they live.
A few insights:
Judge all you want but no one in the history of the United States has spelled Massachusetts right on the first try.
Orthography is only for the cold-blooded anyway.
A very evil man named Antley Lamont Staten posted this brain teaser onto Facebook earlier this month that has totally frustrated the Internet. If you can't figure out what is wrong with the problem right away, you will be so mad at yourself when you finally do.
So far, the riddle has been shared over 385,000 times. Have you figured it out yet? You are going to feel really stupid when you are finally told the answer.
Do you want to know?
Really?
You really want to be told what the answer is?
Are you sure?
Fine.
Here it is.
Yep. So many people were focused on the numbers that they completely ignored the letters on the sign, where "mistake" was spelled incorrectly. It does make since that the "mitsake" was overlooked, since the brain can sitll raed wrods eevn wehn the lterts are siwthecd aurond, so don't feel bad. Feel good that your brain is doing its job right.
It's a debate that has raged ever since mankind first put a tube of strange processed meat into a bun: Is a hot dog a sandwich? Although anyone who would use the phrase "hot dog sandwich" is obviously an alien trying to pass as human, semantically it makes sense. After all, what is a sandwich but a foodstuff comprised of unwieldy edibles placed into an easily-handled bread container for convenience? Doesn't that describe a hot dog? Or did your mind just get F*CKING BLOWN?
Although many frankfurter fans would balk at the idea of their beloved tube steaks being classified with lesser sandwiches, a leading authority on words has come forward, out of the blue, to do just that. Behold this tweet from none other than the Merriam-Webster Dictionary:
SAY IT ISN'T SO.
Merriam-Webster's tweet links to an article on sandwiches, which defines them as:
1) two or more slices of bread or a split roll having a filling in between
2) one slice of bread covered with food
Which seems to check out (but for the record, these dictionary people are probably communists). The article lists ten different types of sandwiches, although none of them are as controversial as the hot dog (even if the sloppy joe is a gray area). However, despite the lighthearted nature of MW's post, the reaction on the Internet was immediate and combative:
Despite the public outcry, it seems unlikely the Merriam, Webster, or any of their cronies will back down from their sausage high horse. From now on, you and everyone you live will have to live in a dystopian hellscape where hot dogs are sandwiches, cats chase dogs, and murder is legal.
At least you can comfort yourself by grilling some sandwiches at a Memorial Day barbecue this weekend. If you even want to anymore.
Celebrity doppelgängers are fun. Baby celebrity doppelgängers are even more fun. Example A: Baby Jay-Z. Example B: this baby who looks exactly like Gordon Ramsay, the yelling chef famous for Kitchen Nightmares and Hell's Kitchen and other cooking shows with improbably scary names.
To compare:
Ramsay himself even responded to the tweet.
Dempster clarified, in case it wasn't extremely obvious, that Gordon Ramsay is not actually the father of her child. Guess she's not after that The Devil's Saucepan or Ghost Cook money.*
*These aren't real names of television shows. Yet.
Mom Allie Hall filmed her son Henry getting angry about what humans are doing to the environment, and it's the most adorable hissy fit you'll see today. It makes sense that kids would be upset about the environment, because they're the ones who are going to have to live in a post-global warming environmental hellscape, but six-year-old Henry really goes beyond, even threatening to call litterers the "s-word" ("stupid").
Don't worry, Henry. Humans are doing much worse things to the planet besides littering.
From the mid-90s to the present day, children worldwide have wished they had received a letter inviting them to attend Hogwarts, preferably with Harry Potter—but what if there was actually more room at Hogwarts than you thought, for the most depressing reason possible? In 2000, Rowling said emphatically that there are one thousand students enrolled in Hogwarts at any given time. Since Hogwarts educates children from basically 5th-12th grade and divides them up into 4 houses, that divides up to about 35 kids per house per year.
But, if you count up all the named characters in the books and kids you see in the film, there are only about 18 Gryffindor students in Harry's class, roughly half the number there should be. Now, granted, the movie is a movie and Warner Brothers wasn't going to cast 1000 kids to just stand around and crowd the shot. BUT—and this is the Internet and young adult fantasy, so there's always a "but"—WHAT IF IT WAS FOR REASONS?
That's right. Instead of a baby boom, there was an infant implosion brought on by the war with Voldemort and the Death Eaters. On both sides, the theory goes, massive numbers of childbearing-age wizards were wiped out alongside disco from 1979-1981. (Follow-up theory: Voldemort was disco. Makes you think.) Their children (except for Harry) likely also fell victim to the magical violence.
Since magic is such a recessive gene, it's not like Hogwarts could expand its classes by simply accepting more Muggle-born students like Hermione (although maybe the brainy mudblood would never have gotten her shot without the magicide that went on from '79-'81). Every magical brat in England was enrolled in Hogwarts alongside Harry Potter—and there simply weren't enough to fill the beds of generations past.
Which makes the deaths of the students like Fred Weasley in the Second Wizarding War all the more tragic, since the population was already at a historic low. But hey, at least studmuffin Neville Longbottom lived:
Childhoods continue to crumble as more details emerge from the developing Amber Heard/Johnny Depp divorce—now, allegations of rampant drug use have come out, which sources close to Heard hint are the root cause of his violent outbursts. Indeed, she claims he was "inebriated and high" on the nights of the two specific incidents of domestic violence she's discussed in public.
Fans around the world were shocked this week to hear that actress Amber Heard had filed for divorce from Johnny Depp after 15 months of marriage (and three days after his mother's death) along with accusations of domestic violence.
Heard alleges that Depp shoved an iPhone into her face the night before she requested a divorce. She received a temporary restraining order against the A-list actor on Friday. He cannot come within 100 yards of his soon-to-be ex-wife.
Now, friends of Heard are telling TMZ that the actress is outraged that Depp is calling her a liar, and suggest that he might not be able to remember what happened, in any case. That's because they allege Depp is constantly higher than Hunter S. Thompson (specifically from doing more coke than Blow's George Jung) and drunker than Captain Jack Sparrow.
Amber, through her sources, says that Depp was "barely ever sober" during their marriage unless he was shooting a film—when a private chef and trainer would drag him into temporary sobriety. Excerpts from her legal documents show her painting a clear picture of his behavior:
Johnny's paranoia, delusions and aggression increased throughout our relationship. So has my awareness of his continued substance abuse...and his temper is exceptionally scary for me.
Meanwhile, Depp's lawyers have disputed all allegations. Part of their argument cites the fact that Heard declined to formally charge Johnny when the police arrived after the alleged iPhone incident, and that she posted Instagram pictures later that seem to not include her now-famous bruise.
The actor himself took the stage in Portugal while on tour with the band Hollywood Vampires. This makes sense from a "I'm living my life as normal" perspective, but it's not a look that screams "Of course I'm not doing coke."
Depp's lawyers say that Heard's claims of domestic violence are merely an attempt to get an "early payday," which is one of those quotes that's bound to do more harm than good, like trying to give someone a hug when you have scissors for hands.
Two years ago, the world was treated to the delectable mugshot of Jeremy Meeks, who became an Internet sensation as Hot Mugshot Guy or the Hot Felon and has pursued his (now squeaky-clean) shot at fame ever since. Now we have Prison Bae, aka Sarah Seawright—whom many think looks like Game of Thrones' Emilia Clarke—and she is ready for her moment...as long as you overlook her much more intimidating history.
She may not need to worry about legal bills, since the Internet seems ready to take up her cause...albeit not entirely for wholesome reasons.
But not Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson:
Since her adorable mugshot went viral, Seawright has seized the moment, updating her Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts with her new nickname. Even though her Insta is private, it still lists ways to contact her for media appearances:
But her Facebook and Twitter profiles are open for business:
That all said, Jeremy Meeks served 27 months (shortened for good behavior) on illegal possession of a firearm, which isn't exactly cuddly, but pales in comparison to Seawright's rap sheet. This most recent arrest was merely for failing to appear in court in relation to a 2014 careless driving charge—which explains why her hair showed up so perfect.
Her past charges, however, include robbery, kidnapping, and battery, mostly related to the beating and robbery of a man in a Target parking lot in December 2012. Here's what she looked like then:
Of course, life moves on and people deserve a chance to get their lives together, so as long as Prison Bae can stay Out-Of-Prison Bae, we wish her all the best.
Dr. Oman Iman heads a team of scientists at Georgia Tech trying to give medicine better tools to prevent knee injuries by creating that maps out what a healthy knee should sound like—a sound that is so brutally painful, you very well might not get through it. Seriously, it's fascinatingly hard to listen to (Author's note: this could just be me, but hoo boy).
Amplified so that every part of the internal workings of the knee (bone and cartilage all rubbin' up on each other, to use the technical explanation) can be heard clearly, the result just sounds like pain. Unlike the cracking of wood or metal, there's something so inherently biological about the noise that your brain recoils instinctively. Knee injuries are one of the biggest risks in sports, though, so maybe it's worth enduring the medical equivalent of nails on a blackboard.
Black rhinos are a critically endangered species, having lost 93% of its numbers since 1970, and reintroducing breeding rhinos to new areas is critical, and also requires dangling a one-ton armored mammal-tank by its impressively sturdy legs with a helicopter. Even when the guy leading World Wildlife Fund South Africa explains that "This is the kindest way we've yet discovered of moving a rhino from the field," you can't help imagining him saying "so please ignore how it looks."
It makes total sense. It's a great, humane way to do it—especially since they drug them and blindfold them so that they don't get embarrassed at being ungracefully hogtied to a heavy-duty helicopter. (Unlike most videos, you don't have to wait for the dangling rhinos, it happens for the first time at around :23)
Saving the environment, one rhino airlift at a time.
