We can learn a lot from our grandparents. They've lived a lot of years, and they know a thing or two about life and love. They're infinitely wiser than we are, and we should take their advice whenever possible. Imagine how excited Reddit user YellyG was when he found a handwritten note from his grandfather attached to the RSVP to his wedding. Yes! Get ready for some beautiful insight on the wonderful journey that is marriage. Here's the note:

It reads:

To Greg & Jody

I've suffered over 60 years of marriage

Your dad suffered over 30 year

It's your turn now

All my sympathy..

Um. Well. That wasn't exactly the mushy, inspiring, "love-conquers-all" insight we were expecting, but what can we say? Grandad is old and wise. He knows what he's talking about. Congratulations on your wedding, Greg and Jody. We're so sorry.

Kristin Cavallari is a proud mom. The former Laguna Beach star loves to post pics of her family, including her three kids, Camden, 3, Jaxon, 2, and baby Saylor. But when the reality star recently Instagrammed a shot of her sons at the beach during a family vacation, her followers decided to weigh in on her kids' apparent health and well-being in the comments section. Because the internet "cares" (is brutal).

Many of her followers seemed "worried" that Cavallari's sons are "too skinny" and that she is "starving" them.

"I really believe she loves her children but I've never seen a child that skinny to the point you see their shoulder blades and spine ..." wrote one follower.

Someone else commented: “I saw this photo on my explore page and clicked on it because I thought it was going to be a post about a child that was sick….Honestly, just saying...Kind of sad."

The post wracked up hundreds of comments. Many came to Cavallari's defense. One impassioned follower wrote:

Omg over 300 comments about someone else's children? Are you people out of your minds? It's shit like this that is what's wrong with our society. You're no better than the bullies we try to protect our children from every fucking day. Provide an intelligent opinion about something of substance or inspiring. This is absurd. You're the same fuckwads that will walk right past an abused animal or child and say nothing but wanna comment on an innocent family vacation photo? Wtf?#useyourwordswisely

Cavallari, 29, used her words wisely with a swift, snarky retort. "Yep. I starve my children," she shot back in the comments. Then to clarify she was being sarcastic: "Just blocked the most people I've ever blocked in my entire life. Happy 4th hahaha".

She then posted more pics, including one of her and Jax in a hammock:

And a selfie of her with her husband, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler:

In the end, it pays to be rich and famous. Even if people want to shame your parenting skills, at the end of the day, you're in a hammock and chilling with your quarterback hubbie. Bye haters.

Is there a more perniciously omnipresent sentiment than "live, laugh, love?" Usually on the walls and Pinterest boards of women who like to live, laugh, love AT you? This man was perturbed by his fiancée's artsy poster urging those three Ls, so he made a change that makes the sentiment significantly more tolerable:

Lube: a value everyone can get behind (or on top of, etc.).

As an homage to George Takei, the writers for the new Star Trek movie decided to make Sulu openly gay in the upcoming film, which would be a lovely tribute, except for the fact that Takei totally hates the idea. Takei played Hikaru Sulu in the original Star Trek TV series and in the early films, and despite being out and proud himself, told The Hollywood Reporter that he found the news of Sulu's sexuality to be "really unfortunate."

Takei, who is a vocal advocate for gay rights, gives many reasons as to why he thinks Sulu should remain straight, including that he thinks making a change like this would be disrespectful to the character that Gene Roddenberry created (woof, if that is the case, he probably has some strong opinions on the new Star Trek movies as in general). He told The Hollywood Reporter, "I’m delighted that there’s a gay character. Unfortunately, it’s a twisting of Gene’s creation, to which he put in so much thought. I think it’s really unfortunate." Although Takei urged the film's director Justin Lin to keep Sulu's heterosexual identity, production decided to move forward with making him gay. Takei noted:

This movie is going to be coming out on the 50th anniversary of Star Trek, the 50th anniversary of paying tribute to Gene Roddenberry, the man whose vision it was carried us through half a century. Honor him and create a new character. I urged them. He left me feeling that that was going to happen.

Another reason why Takei disapproves of decision is because of the implication that Sulu had been in the closet up until revealing his sexuality, something Takei suffered with in his personal life for over 40 years in the industry (he came out publicly in 2005). Here is more of what Takei told Lin:

Be imaginative and create a character who has a history of being gay, rather than Sulu, who had been straight all this time, suddenly being revealed as being closeted.

Simon Pegg, who co-wrote and starred in the latest Star Trek movie (and is also that guy from Shaun of the Dead), disagrees with Takei.

In a statement, he told The Guardian:

He’s right, it is unfortunate, it’s unfortunate that the screen version of the most inclusive, tolerant universe in science fiction hasn’t featured an LGBT character until now. We could have introduced a new gay character, but he or she would have been primarily defined by their sexuality, seen as the ‘gay character’, rather than simply for who they are, and isn’t that tokenism?

He closed his statement by adding:

Justin Lin, Doug Jung and I loved the idea of it being someone we already knew because the audience have a pre-existing opinion of that character as a human being, unaffected by any prejudice. Their sexual orientation is just one of many personal aspects, not the defining characteristic. Also, the audience would infer that there has been an LGBT presence in the Trek Universe from the beginning (at least in the Kelvin timeline), that a gay hero isn’t something new or strange. It’s also important to note that at no point do we suggest that our Sulu was ever closeted, why would he need to be? It’s just hasn’t come up before.

Wellllll, it may have come up before, actually. Takei does note that although Sulu never had a love interest on the show or in the original movies, there was an instance oh him having a one night stand with a woman in the 1995 Star Trek novel The Captain's Daughter, which resulted in Sulu's daughter, Demora, being conceived.

Although it is laudable that the current Star Trek team is trying to "boldly go where no man has gone before" by introducing a gay character, it is obvious that the decision has caused a rift between former and existing Star Trek stars. Who knew that there could be so much debate over LGBTQ+ stuff even in a galaxy far, far away (YES, I KNOW THAT IS STAR WARS. DON'T COME FOR ME, NERDS.)

Former Law & Order: SVU actress Stephanie March has a message for women: think hard before you get breast implants.

After her very public divorce from Bobby Flay (she may or may not have flown a "CHEATER" sign above one of his public appearances), March decided to get breast implants to feel better about herself. Things were fine until they went oh so very wrong.

She wrote a piece for Refinery 29 about the moment things went from fine to WTF?

...One morning in early October when I sat up in bed and felt a sickening wet mucus sliding down my chest. It was everywhere, soaking my shirt and the sheets. My right implant was infected and the seams of the scar on my right breast had burst.

Burst!

After months of antibiotics and several attempts to keep the implants, March and her doctors came to the conclusion that implants weren't for her.

March is sharing her story to prevent other women from making the same mistakes. She told Entertainment Tonight:

When you want to fix something in your life, look to your heart not your body.

March has definitely fixed one area of her life: her love life. She recently announced she's involved with technology investor (a.k.a. Mister Money Bags) Dan Benton. Get it, girl.

We don't know what caused this woman to want to terminate her marriage. (Did he clip his toenails in public? Spoil Game of Thrones? Tell her to "shh calm down, babe"?) We do know that she felt it was urgent enough that she needed to walk off her plane as it was readying for take-off, forcing 500 passengers to also disembark due to safety regulations.

The incident went down at Moscow’s Vnukovo Airport on Monday, RT reports. According to witnesses, the woman kept saying "I am not in the mood to fly now"and demanded that flight attendants let her leave the plane.

As a result, the Moscow-Vladivostok flight was delayed for seven hours while every piece of luggage had to go through security screening a second time. Passengers were, understandably, pissed, and they documented the whole fiasco on social media.

One passenger named Elena posted several videos on Instagram and wrote:

A woman aged 40 took a decision to divorce her husband. Urgently! And she needed to walk off the plane. Cabin crew tried in vain to persuade her not to leave the aircraft because this is a long procedure.

Other passengers posted videos of people exiting the plane and boarding a waiting bus. Families traveling with kids were the most angry, and reportedly urged the airline, Rossiya​, to penalize the woman with a heavy fine.

That's a pretty terrible and self-centered thing to do, and she should have to pay a fine. Unless he told her to "shh calm down, babe" when she was angry, in which case, our thoughts and prayers are with this poor woman as she goes through a hopefully swift divorce process.

Katie Reed, the mommy blogger behind It'sA Mother Thing, responded to her 5-year-old son calling her fat by conducting a bizarre experiment about perception and Photoshop. Reed says it all began when she was putting her five-year-old son to bed, and he told her, "Mommy you look like you’re having a BABY! Don’t worry. It’s just ’cause your belly is so FAT!”

While she knows she's put on weight for normal reasons (having three kids in four years and a lack of energy due to health problems), the words still stung. In addition to ensuring she's comfortable in her own skin, she wanted to make sure she raises three sons who appreciate all women for who they are (and that don't call people fat when they put on a few pounds).

So she had her son help her pick out a new bikini. He insisted on a rainbow design, and she found one she liked. But the struggle continued when she was making her purchase at the register:

The young checkout girl rang us up, looked at me in wonder and said, 'How do you find the confidence to wear this? I could never let my flab hang out.'

I just kind of looked at her. I don’t think she meant to be mean, but I was definitely thrown. I realized pretty quickly that she was not insulting me, but rather sharing her own insecurity about her body.

After waging a personal war in her own head, she finally decided to wear the bikini in the backyard and play with her sons. Here's how Reed perceives herself:

When she looked at the pictures she had taken, she confronted reality:

Reed then used text to show the literal critical thoughts that swirl around her mind with a side-by-side comparison of perception and reality:

Reed acknowledges that she wants to lose some weight once she resolves the health issues that are causing her fatigue. But until then, she's gonna own that body:

But in the meantime, I want to celebrate my body for what it is NOW. It has done more than I ever thought it could. It has seen me through 34 years, three kids and two marriages.

Ladies, I GREW HUMANS! From SCRATCH!

Thinking of one's body in terms of lifetime achievements and endurance is a healthy way of accepting weight gain. And the positive attitude will certainly help with any physical or mental challenges she faces in the future.

It only took a couple days for America to stop comparing Taylor Swift's vagina to a ham Sandwich and start focusing on her other sexual assets.

If you can pull your eyes away for a second from Blake Lively's pregnant bikini bod or the fact that Cara Delevigne just dropped her drink into the water, you might notice Tay-Tay's ta-tas. To those who have apparently spent a lot of time looking at them, they appear to have grown.

Above is an even closer image of Taylor in a red Forever 21 bikini with what commenters are saying are breast implants.

Page Six asked a random plastic surgeon who has never worked on Swift what he thoughts of her tits, and according to him,

[Taylor] has always had a very petite chest but recent photos seem to show a fuller chest and more cleavage. We know that Taylor has a friendship with many Victoria’s Secret models, so it so possible that she is rocking a new bra. It is more likely that she has had some surgical help. I suspect that she has had a surgical breast augmentation, taking her from a small A cup to a B cup.

Re: that weird Victoria's Secret comment... that's not how that works. Taylor is not friends with V Secret babes for the free swag; she's richer than all those girls combined. She's in it for the V Sexy times they shared sliding down her private blow-up waterslide at her private blow-up 4th of July Party. (I take back everything I've said about Swift; her parties look fun as hell.)

But as far as her boobs? Hard to say.

To be clear, this is a judgment-free zone, Taylor. You want to go the plastic surgery route, go ahead (omg but please not your face you're so pretty, and actually the rest of your body is already perfect too), but... did you? Are they?

Andre Palmer is going viral for being a damn good dad. Palmer's wife Amy uploaded this picture of her husband sleeping under their sick child's crib at York Hospital Pediatrics in Pennsylvania on Tuesday, and it has since gained national attention after being shared hundreds of times. If anyone deserves a "World's Best Dad" mug, it is this guy.

This is a picture of a hard working man dedicated to his family!! After working all night third shift, he's right here with his son who is in the hospital. He's so tired but he's here!! Father of the year award goes to Andre Palmer!!! I love you more than words baby

By the looks of his Facebook page, Palmer appears to have a really great beard and loves motorcycles, but he definitely loves his family much more. Amy told ABC 13 news that Palmer came directly to the hospital after working all night so he could be with his wife and 20-month-old baby. "I thought to myself after working all night he didn't have to come to the hospital," said Amy. "He could have went home to sleep." Instead he made himself cozy on some cold, tile floor and stuck it out to support his family.

After thousands of people "liked" the post (and some gave it that "love button", while others chose the "sad" button re: sick kid), Amy returned to Facebook to elaborate on the picture she posted that garnered so much attention:

I am so overwhelmed with so much emotion right now. I just want to take a minute to thank everyone who reached out to us whether by sharing the story, commenting, or sending messages. I appreciate all of the prayers and thoughts. I took the picture because I thought what a selfless thing for my husband to do. He could have went home after work, he could have asked me to get up. I would have never imagined that it would have touched so many people. A little background for all the questions I've been seeing.... The room our son was in was so small there was literally enough room for the crib and a chair that turned into a bed. It was early in the morning and Andre Palmer just got done working third shift and dropping our daughter off at daycare. He was literally exhausted himself! The hospital was amazing the whole time we were there. They did not know what he did, for if they did I know they would have offered him something! I didn't leave him there, I quickly got him up into the bed/chair I was sleeping in, but not before taking the picture that I felt spoke volumes about the good person, husband, and father he truly is. Our son is doing much better and is now at home resting. Thanks again for all of the support, we truly are so appreciative!!!!

And for those who are wondering, Palmer's son has since been discharged from the hospital and is home recovering, which means that Andre has also been discharged from under the crib.

Another week, another awesomely disgusting Dr. Pimple Popper video for you to enjoy. This time, it's a mysterious growth on a man's upper arm. This one even took the good Dr. Lee by surprise, as she admitted in the video description:

As you can see, this excision shows how we never quite know what to expect when removing cysts... what the consistency or color will be. Whether it will pop out easily or will put up a fight.

Once she got it open, it did not disappoint. The contents were not what anybody was expecting, but if you're the kind of person who likes cyst videos, you'll like what you see. (Skip to about 7:00 for the main event.)

That's the magic of Dr. Lee's videos: every one is a little bit different. They're like snowflakes full of blood and gore.

Lindsay Lohan's 30th birthday is coming up, and according to Page Six, she can't find any brands that are willing to sponsor her party. Really? No takers at all? We have a feeling she might be going about this the wrong way. Lindsay, listen. It's all about asking the right people. You might not know it, but your movies have (probably) done wonders for a lot of different brands that we're sure would love to help you out. Here are some suggestions.

Oreos

Your characters in The Parent Trap were the epitome of cool late '90s pre-teens. We all wanted to be just like you. When we found out that Hallie Parker and Annie James ate their Oreos with peanut butter, we all made our moms rush out to the store to buy Oreos so we could try it for ourselves. There's no way there wasn't a spike in sales after that film was released. Nothing sells a cookie like an adorable 12 year-old with a jaded outlook on love.

Oreos would definitely sponsor your party. They owe you!

Pillsbury Toaster Strudel

Come on, Lindsay. Mean Girls put Toaster Strudel on the map! This is one of the most quoted lines in the history of teen movies:

Sure, maybe it wasn't your character that had the direct connection to the product, but you were the star of the movie! You've definitely got some pull in the frozen breakfast pastry sphere. All you need to do is ask. Maybe they'll even make you a Toaster Strudel cake!

Hot Topic

Your character in Freaky Friday was a fashion icon for suburban kids who wanted to be punky and rebellious. You looked like Avril Lavigne! That was so cool in 2003. We're sure more than a few 14 year-olds had their mom drop them off at the mall so they could go to Hot Topic and score one of those sweet choker necklaces.

They'd probably decorate your party entirely with Nightmare Before Christmas merchandise! You'd like that, wouldn't you? Go on. Ask them.

So there you go, Lindsay. Let us know how it works out. If worse comes to worse, use some of that child star money to make your own brand and sponsor yourself! Maybe a skincare brand or a line of novelty lip glosses? Either way, keep your head up. Your party is going to be great. Happy birthday!

If you've used the internet in 2016, you've probably perused Yelp's reviews and had a little giggle at all the negative nellies out there. These trolls take to Yelp to "review" businesses, often for wildly irrational reasons. One Milwaukee bar owner, Ari Domnitz, has had it with these nonsensical negative reviews. That's why he decided to fight back against one particular troll known online as Anthony C.

Anthony C. left a one-star review for Domnitz's Karma Bar & Grill, saying he's "never been a fan" and "doesn't like it." Fine, could he be more specific? Sure, the food is "basic," whatever that means; the "service sucks," which night bro?; and the drinks are "overpriced." Reading the entire post makes it apparent that this is less a review and more a substitute for the therapist Anthony should be seeing.

So Domnitz took to Yelp and Facebook to review Anthony C.'s reviews. Before he got started on the verbal schooling, he sarcastically (and perfectly) put Yelp into perspective...

There really is nothing better than this fantastic open forum of internet based criticism that allows someone to pop on at will and completely bash a small business owner’s livelihood.

Then Domnitz noticed that our pal Anthony has given 3-star reviews to gas stations and Taco Bell franchises...

[I]s it possible that you are somehow unable to … appreciate food that wasn’t microwaved by someone trying to figure out how they turned Doritos into Taco Shells?

In response to Anthony C's 3-star review of 7-Eleven...

...the Minimum wage employee who is watching you peruse the vast selection of flavored iced teas and various chemically flavored slushified drinks, just didn’t attack his job with the kind of zeal that makes you feel comfortable with a 4-star review.

Then came the review of the 2-star review of a local Starbucks...

...Like the modern day Sophie’s Choice… 3 stars… or… 2 stars… honestly, I am so proud of you for being… so…very… brave. How dare they have the audacity to be BUSY! After all, it’s not like they are a publicly traded company with a desire to MAKE MONEY!!

Domnitz's post immediately went viral on Facebook, resulting in passionate Yelpers joining Anthony C.'s shaming train, only increasing the amount of irrational negative reviews against Karma. Yelp has since flagged Karma Bar & Grill with an "Active Cleanup Bar," which means Yelp is monitoring the page for inappropriate reviews.

So, who wants to meet up for chicken fingers at Karma? Domnitz deserves a huge tip.

Have you ever wondered why your pasta spoon has a hole in it? Probably not—you must have figured it was there so the pasta water could drain out. And you were right. But before you smugly pat yourself on the back for successfully reverse-engineering a dumb spoon, you should know that's only half the story. After all, a regular slotted spoon could drain water. So why the one big hole?

Now that your curiosity level has been brought back to a roaring boil, here's Imgur user PolarChi with the answer. But be warned: once you know the truth, you'll never look at the world the same way again.

That's right—the amount of dry pasta that fits through the hole in the spoon is one serving size. Using the hole is an easy way to measure out the roughly 4,000 servings that most pasta fans will consume in a meal. Seriously, who ever ate a single recommended serving size of pasta in a meal? War criminals, that's who.

Nivea recently submitted their sunscreen commercial, "Care From The Air," to the Cannes Lions Festival, where it was pretty much laughed out of the jury room. The ad, which was apparently not meant to be funny, proposed a solution to the old problem of putting sunscreen on squirming kids that hate it. Should one of the slippery children get away while you're trying to lather them in protection from the sun, this drone seagull flown by a few creepy dudes hiding in the dunes can protect the children.

The kids seem to enjoy it, but kids always think poop and animals are funny:

Nivea has not confirmed any retail plans for robotic seagull drones. So for now, you'll have to build your own or just get better at putting sunscreen on kids that hate it.

When Lloyd (John Cusack) stood outside Diane's (Ione Sky's) bedroom window holding up a boom box in Say Anything, he eventually got the girl. But IRL, this kind of gesture can read as creepy. Love can make people act crazy. And if you're not careful, you could end up being just a girl, standing in front of a judge, asking him to lift your restraining order.

These folks on Reddit shared the creepiest things they've ever done while pursuing someone they were sexually or romantically interested in. Weirdly, some of these stories have happy endings. Life is a rom com after all.

1. JukeFlute made things complicated on Facebook.

I don't know if it's creepy, but I once met this guy at a bar and we chatted all night, and exchanged phone numbers.

Anyways, my friends wanted to know what he looked like and I searched him on Facebook to show and accidentally shared one of his profile pictures onto my wall. It was hours before I noticed and only because he texted me and asked me why I shared it.

I was so embarrassed I made my friend delete the share for me and I never spoke to him again.

2. blackcatbadbrows did what literally everyone does when they like someone, right?

Stalked the shit out of their social media profiles, to the point where I could literally list every vacation they'd been on since 2005 and probably name most of their extended family.

3. Richj43 is very good at stalking reading people.

Started talking to this guy awhile back and he had his first initial tattooed on one of his wrists. I crept so far back through his Facebook that I found him discussing how he wanted his second initial on his other wrist.

Well one day we were hanging out and I ever so gently grabbed his wrist and said, "you know what you should do, you should get your second initial tattooed on this wrist." He looked at me like I was his soulmate. I felt so guilty and creepy all at the same time.

We are not dating anymore.

4. Lacosaknitsra knows romance is breaking into a house while tripping on acid.

This happened with my high school boyfriend, so I'm not sure if it counts since we were actually dating at the time. It was in 10th grade, shortly after I got my license. I was hanging out with friends and we dropped acid. A few hours later, I'd had this epiphany and just HAD to talk to him. Now, this was before everyone had cell phones, so, naturally, I just drove to his house, without even thinking about calling the house phone. I knocked on the door but no one answered. So, my LSD riddled brain was convinced that he was home, and I should sneak in the sliding glass door that led from the outside patio into his bedroom. I get into the darkened bedroom without making a sound. He wasn't there. That's when I realized his parents were. His bedroom door faced the living room, and mom and dad were sitting on the couch talking and watching tv. They didn't see me, but his dog, a Collie named Buddy, damn well knew I was there and came in to see me. At this point, it dawned on me that I'd basically broken into his house, and I was too terrified of making noise and alerting his parents to my presence by leaving. So I just sat there, tripping balls with the dog in the dark. I eventually gathered the courage to exit the way I came in, and sat outside on my car blowing bubbles until he showed up. He found the whole ordeal perfectly hilarious!

TL;DR: Did LSD and broke into bf's house, tripped with the dog.

5. Justincredible207 found love online before the internet even existed.

Back in the msn messagenger days, about 12 years ago, I worked with this girl I thought was beautiful. I worked with her for 2 years never ssying more then hi to her. I never talked to her because I was intimidated. One day she left an application for another job in her cubicle, it had her email on the application which I gladly wrote down and added to my MSN Messenger, it just so happend she had it to and was online and I started to talk with her, not revealing who I was, I was making her laugh and we talked about everything. I eventually hoped on my Webcam and said surprise! She thought I was a riot. 12 years later we have 3 kids and a nice home together.

6. thanklesseffort used every part of the internet.

This girl in my class was so cute but the teacher never called out her last name during role call so I noticed she would call her name first so I knew her last name started with either A B or C. I looked over her shoulder and saw her lightly write her name on her paper and I couldn't quite read it but I could tell it was short and since I knew the first letter was at the start of the alphabet, I figured out it was B and was able to to find her on Facebook from there.

After Facebook I noticed she had her email listed, so I put her email into the Google search bar and I found her Instagram name. Googled the Instagram name to find out she has other social media connected to it, and I found out she likes a certain activity that I like, so I gently brought it up in conversation the next day like "yeah you probably don't know about this but I..." and she stopped in her tracks and she was like "I actually do know about that" and I was like "no way!" Like my crazy ass was surprised

I felt weird

7. aliciatacos was so in love she rode the BUS.

I was like 17 when I got this huge crush on a guy, sometimes we talked on facebook but I was too shy to ask him if he wanted to meet IRL. The only times I saw him was on the bus to and from school, and everytime he said hi and gave me this flirty smile.

He didn't go to the same school as I and because of different schedules we "only" met like three times a week, and I never knew when we were gonna take the same bus. So I went online, looked up his schedule like I was CSI, and that told me what time he was taking the bus to and from school every day. After that I started to take his bus almost every day, just so I could say hi to him. It didn't matter that I sometimes was like two hours early for school, as long as I could see him in the mornings

8. Deadfire_ knows the way to a girl's heart is drunkenly chasing her to Subway.

I went to my best friend's house warming party, was minding my own business getting progressively more drunk when a girl he was seeing stopped by to see the place. I got to talking with her about mutual interests and all was well and good until my buddy pissed her off by nearly hooking up with another girl in the living room. She decided to leave the party to "go get Subway" a few blocks away, aka sneak out and hop a bus home, so I had the bright idea of running full tilt after her for three blocks completely drunk. Did I mention that it was 10:30 at night in one of the more shady parts of town? Did I mention I was drunk off my face and thought that was a GREAT idea? Yeah, she was a bit freaked out.

I then gallantly, or drunkenly, walked her safely to Subway since that's where I thought she was going, we bought food then I even managed to somehow walk her BACK to the party and sat in the kitchen talking to her for hours and even went as far as to pull her into my lap on the couch to sit and not let go as if she was some sort of squeeze toy until 5 am when I passed out cold.

Long story short... as creepy as I acted we're somehow still together 8 years later, married and have a kid. Funny how that works.

9. bookeebear basically bought a husband.

I worked next door to a guy I had a crush on. I would go into his store every morning and buy something. I was super broke for a long time because of this. Haha. Eventually I started searching Myspace for him and it took forever because I didn't know his name, just where he worked.

So anyways I went through a fuck ton of profiles for men in our area and finally found him and added him. We didn't really talk but after a while I noticed he liked cars so I made a bulletin about how I was saving up for my dream car (an old as fuck BMW lol) and he sent a message and said we should text sometime...

I've been married to him for 5 years now and we have a kid.

10. putyercookieinhere made a Celine Dion portrait with a dead person's hair, but isn't sure what went wrong.

He made me a mixed cd, our first date was a double date with friends to a music show and we talked about our favourite bands. 2nd date he brought me follow up material, he had obviously spent a lot of time preparing it, a cd full of his favou rite new music. I guess in my excitement when I received it i forgot to say thank you. (I said something like, oh awesome! that's so rad, you rock...) anyway was obvs grateful but didn't say thank you. Date 3: he teased me about it and I felt horrid. I couldn't tell if he was kind of hurt and couldn't believe I didn't say thank you! So I made him a drawing of Celine dion riding a race horse around a race track. I glued human hair to the Celine and then glued bugs into it cause in the wind... you know. Also I made some grass for the horse. And there was an inset of them winning the Kentucky derby and Celine was gnawing on a giant carrot. Also the horse had human hair for a mane and tail. Anyway he was kind of non plussed. I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen, kinda still do. Edit: should mention...worked in a funeral home and the hair was found in a brown paper bag in the basement. A ponytail, quite thick and brown, but it smells of mothballs.

11. bassslapper05: well? Did it work out??

one time i licked the inside of a shoe of a girl i liked

The creepiest thing about this AskReddit thread where people shared the creepiest things that ever happened to them is that, as a rule, none of the stories are paranormal. It's not ghosts doing these things—it's human beings. And, OK, in one instance, Chewbacca.

1. CommiePatrol83 was nearly kidnapped, or worse.

When I was a little kid, like 8 or 9 I was walking down a pretty main street in Moscow, with a friend of mine. I don't really remember where we were headed, but I was the type of kid that was always out and about. So we turn down a smaller street and I see this guy, he was sorta sick looking, like his face was weird. He was standing in front of an open door and it was really dark inside. He calls to me and he says "could you please go inside and grab my glasses for me? I can't see without them." I look inside and all I could see is a table and a chair. So he tells me it's right there on the table. I was a little weirded out plus the door was one of these thick metal doors so it got me even more scared. So then I tell him if you know where the glasses are why can't you get them yourself? And he tells me it's hard for him to see so why don't I do it. At this point I just walked away really fast. Sometimes I still think of that moment and I think that I could've been easily raped or molested or killed that day.

2. HexYourEx had things go bump in the night.

I lived in a rural area, mountains and woods around the premises, anyways I used to smoke outside on this slab concrete type thing on the side of the house. I was standing under a dim outdoor porch light which lit about 20 feet around the area so not very far, it was late at night just me and my baby home but my baby was sleeping. Not even halfway into my cig, I heard a deep growling noise, and it slowly got closer and closer and louder as it did. When I first heard it my reaction was to freeze, didn't want to make eye contact with anything so I don't even know how close it got, I just know it wasn't in front of me but next to me.. how close I don't know. Didn't want to make a slow sudden movements either so I flicked my cig into the distance and jumped into the house, slammed and locked the door. Made a plan that I'd tip over this large wooden cabinet in front of the door if something tried getting in. Waited a few minutes in case whatever it was tried busting through then looked out the windows around the residence and didn't see anything. Assumed it was a bear.

Another time, same residence. Heard numerous (4 maybe 5) slams on the back door, slowly crept to the door and tried looking outside without being obvious though the lights were off back there. But then I heard some thuds on the roof above me. I called the police. They came out within 10 or so minutes. They searched the area and said they didn't see anything suspicious and it could have been a bear. So yeah but it doesn't explain the roof thuds.

3. Simmonater93 was more worried about getting in trouble.

When I was around 13 my single father worked nights and because of this I was in charge of babysitting my 10 year old sister. I was up at 3am on a school night in the living room watching tv (this is around the time I discovered the "girls gone wild" commercials) when I hear a car pull in my driveway. Thinking it was my father I did what any sensible child would do and I turned off the tv and like a bolt of lighting ran to my room. As I waited pretending to be sleeping I noticed that the vehicle never turned off, and so I mustered up some courage and peeked out my bedroom window. Outside there was a truck I didn't recognize just sitting in the driveway with it's headlights on. I heard the front doorknob jingle and for whatever reason I grabbed a metal pole ran into my sisters room locked the door and started hitting it making it sound like a house alarm. I did this for what felt like an eternity while my sister kept watch and saw two men get in the truck and drive off. They could've been lost, they could've been looking to rob us, who knows, but I never told my father (for fear of being punished being up at 3am) and I never saw anything like that again.

4. TulsaBrawler's game turned real.

9 years old; I was playing cops and robbers in the woods at night and a police search helicopter was patrolling over us with a spotlight. Turns out they were looking for an escaped inmate from the state pen.

5. KTC8426 had a standoff with a gun-wielding alien.

I work an overnight shift as a security guard and aside from myself, another guard and some cleaners, the building is totally empty. Once the cleaners leave around 3:30 am, I normally try to go around and lock up any offices and rooms that need to be closed before any employees arrive before the lights shut off at 4:30. One night I got caught up with some other things and by the time I got around to doing this, the lights were off, and since it was the middle of winter, there was no sign of sunlight saving me from the dark until I left at 7. So I rushed around and closed all the doors as quick as I could so I could get back to safety. I made my way to the second floor but stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the outline of a person on the other end of the floor with their arms positioned as if they were holding a large gun. I panicked and crouched behind a cubicle, but I kept looking to see where they'd go. No one had access to the building for several more hours, and if an employee happened to have come in that early, the other guard would have radioed me before something like this happened. The figure never moved from its spot, so I decided to creep closer and look around incase there was anyone else. I was pretty certain I was going to have a heart attack because all I have at my disposal is a flashlight keychain, a walkie talkie and some keys and this person might possibly have a gun. I managed to make it to a spot where the moonlight shining through the window illuminated the figure enough for me to at least make out some features. They wore a baseball hat, had long shaggy hair, they were in fact holding a gun and they were easily 6 feet tall, but they still hadn't moved. I moved a little closer and noticed that the light reflected off of the figure in an odd way. I gathered the nerve to fish out my flashlight and while still hiding behind another cubicle, I flashed the light on their face and finally caught a glimpse of the intruder. I was startled. This mysterious, gun wielding intruder was actually a life size cardboard cutout of chewbacca. I legitimately spend 20 minutes stalking and building up the courage to confront a giant pice of cardboard.

6. EventuallyFormer was saved by a hero.

When I was in college, I was stopped at a gas station putting air in my tires and this man came over and started talking to me. It started off fine, it seemed he was just friendly and without much social finesse. But then he continued to get closer to me and lean on my car... it is very difficult to explain, but I very much felt like I was in danger. There was no real way I could get into my car without trapping myself and it just really seemed like he was intent on sticking around. My keys were also in the car NB because I was a 19 year old Midwestern girl who still trusted the world. He also kept glancing toward the gas pumps, which I felt was a sign he was waiting for me to be alone. I know all the comments to this post will be "You should have...." but I felt very trapped by the situation.

About 5 or 6 minutes into this, I locked eyes with a different guy (much older) across the parking lot. I tried to convey "something is WRONG" as hard as possible... and he quickly walked inside the gas station. I felt like he was trying to avoid seeing something unpleasant and I was going to end up alone.

A minute later the older guy comes out of the gas station with a few sodas and walks directly out to me and said something like "Good thing you stopped, your mom has been hinting about being thirsty for the last half hour. I got you a soda too while I was in. Now do you know how to get to (some town name) or do you want to follow?" I replied that I had better follow because you know how I am with directions. So yhis accomplished two things:. he gave me an out to the situation and let the creepy guy know that someone was watching.

So I followed him for about 3 miles out of town at which point the guy just kind of waved like "You're good" and I turned and went back to my dorm.

I never got a chance to thank him in person, so every time I tell this story, I have to say a big thank you to anyone who has ever done anything like this. I have gotten two opportunities to step in and do something similar (both times pretending to be the BFF of a drunk girl because it looked like she was in a bad position). I wish I could tell that guy that I will now always get involved when someone looks like they are in trouble, because if I'm wrong, well then I look crazy/can be embarrassed, but if I'm right I can basically save someone.

7. DrunkenBusiness was "helped" by a guy named Leopold.

When I was 18 or 19 I went out to a New Year's Eve party in the city and dropped my ID in the street. It was mailed back to me by a gentleman named Leopold.

Leopold was 53 and had recently been released from prison. He sent pictures of him "volunteering" at a soup kitchen. Leopold was determined that him finding my ID was "a sign" and that "we were destined to be together." He sent Bible verses that, to him, justified this belief.

He mostly expressed regret that I lived to far away, and that he didn't have a car to come visit me. I was not at all regretful about this. Leopold sent other letters, but I never opened them.

8. Biglittlesmalltall brought this on himself by letting his six-year-old watch The Grudge.

A week before Halloween a couple of years ago, my kids and I were watching scary movies to get into the spirit of the holiday. They were scared and I really wasn't, at least not consciously. The last movie we watched was The Grudge.

Well, we were all creeped out and sleepy. To top it off, it was raining. Thundering and lightning, wind whistling through some opened windows. Some real haunted house shit.

My son and daughter begged to sleep with me. I told them that everything was OK and that I was in the next room. They reluctantly went to their own rooms. Wussies, I thought.

Well, Lo and behold, as soon as I go to sleep, I start having nightmares. Lots of groaning and hair everywhere. I guess that movie, The Grudge, really fucked with me.

Suddenly, I was woken up. Something was talking to me, like right in my ear. I look up and in the flashes of light from the storm outside, I see a silhouette standing right next to me. I just see hair everywhere!

OH MY GOD, ITS THE FUCKING GRUDGE! So in a panic, I grab a fistful of The Grudge's hair and just start shaking her head violently. I'm totally screaming like a bitch too.

All of a sudden, The Grudge yells, "Daddy!" I immediately recognize that the voice is my daughter's voice!!!

As it turns out, my baby had come to my room to ask if she could sleep in my bed because she was having nightmares and I totally just manhandled her like a jittery fuckface.

This happened when she was six. It's almost a decade later and I still catch her giving me the side eye.

So, either my daughter or my cat are going to murder me one day.

9. Nujurzy87 has a good friend.

9th grade, my friends and i left campus for lunch, and were walking through a neighborhood. my friend noticed up ahead on the other side of the street, some guy in a pick up truck was talking to a little girl right outside his front door with the front door open. he said something wasnt right and i thought it must just be her father.

anyway, my friend walks up to him, my friends and me following, and asks if there's a problem. the older guy said no leave him and his grand daughter alone. my friend asks her if that's her grandfather and she said no. when he asked her if she knew him she said no. thats when my friend john stepped in between them and started talking shit to him threatening to kick his ass.

my friend called the police. police came. it got the neighbors attention. some guys across the street came out with baseball bats and chains when they saw what was going on, the police had to go and keep them from intervening, that the cops were taking care of it.

the girls mom came outside and was crying and screaming which is what got the neighbor's attention besides the sirens. we had to write down a report for the officers. give our contact information, though they never contacted us.

if we didnt decide to walk to lunch that day, this little girl could've been kidnapped, raped and killed.