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The fantastic culinary horrors of the 1970 book 'Happy Living: A Guide for Brides.'

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When my mom was getting ready to marry my dad in the late 70s, she was given Happy Living! A Guidebook for Brides as a free gift when she created her wedding registry at a regional New England department store. The overly-excited book (that exclamation point makes it seem like the title is meant to be said with a manic smile through gritted teeth) appears to make the assumption that new brides are looking for a book that's totally condescending while also unappetizingly foul. Here are nine of the most horrifying food-related things in this book.

1. The "Hot Corned Beef Tempters."

Sure, I'm tempted. Tempted to go get take out! (high fives self, leaves dinner party, tells guy at pizza place about my great "tempted" joke, gets pizza guy's number)

The caption for this image is "This photograph shows you how tempting these Hot Corned Beef Tempters really are." So: not very? Serve with stabbed pineapple on top of your grandmother's blue evening gown.

2. This "Seafood Loaf" that only looks more desperate with the carnations and candles behind it.

Ingredients include tuna, macaroni, and resentment.

You ever do that thing where you're feeling really depressed, so you put on a nice dress and makeup to try to make yourself feel better, but you still feel like an awful garbage person inside? I'm pretty sure that's what this Seafood Loaf is doing with these candles and flowers. Also, the only "seafood" in it is tuna, so a more accurate name would have been "Tuna Loaf" or "Sadness Loaf."

3. The section that suggests ways to decorate the table so your husband remembers that he wants to say with you.

And whether the meal is served informally in the kitchen, at the dining table by candlelight, or on trays in the living room with soft background music, the surroundings should be neat, the atmosphere one of relaxation, and there should be some special touch—a single flower floating in a glass saucer, a colorful napkin tied in a knot, a pretty china figurine—just to remind your husband how lucky he is to have "caught" you.

Remember, ladies! Your husband could decide you're not worth it at any moment, so be constantly vigilant that you're doing everything you can to remind him that you're a "catch." You know, like a fish. He likes fishing, right?

4. The utter abomination of a meal on this table.

That parsley looks like it was trying to escape a crime scene and got caught in the act.

If you see multiple items in a photo in most cookbooks, that usually means that they're supposed to be served together as a meal. In this case, that means Happy Living! is suggesting serving Lamb Kidneys with Rosemary alongside a Citrus Maraschino Mold with what appears to be whipped-cream-topped hot chocolate. These recipes are all from the "Time to Entertain" section of the book, and presumably the "entertainment" comes from laughing about how stupid the cook was to think that this could be a good meal.

5. The section that suggests that the height of a woman's satisfaction in the household is coming up with a supes fun garnish.

Someone once remarked that the most valuable ingredient in a dish is imagination. That's why the cherry in the center of the grapefruit, the chopped parsley over buttered vegetables, the sprigs of dark green watercress in a salad, are important. They are the touch of color and glamor that makes the food look more interesting, more inviting, and more appetizing.

These little touches call forth the creative talent with which so many women are handsomely endowed, and it is this creative satisfaction which makes the preparation of food for the table one of the real pleasures in life.

Since you're a ball-and-chain homemaker now, new bride, there is literally only one place to funnel your creativity: garnishes. Give your garnishes everything: your creativity, your love, your pain. Whisper your secret fears to your garnishes, telling that maraschino cherry about how you think your husband is cheating on you. The garnishes are your only friends now. CHERISH THEM.

6. The Apple Beef Meat Ring.

Also, pretty sure that's a tray of undressed iceberg lettuce in the background.

Meat. Ring.

7. These cranberries clinging to rice in uneven, barnacle-like clumps.

Ohhhhh, this is why people hate brussels sprouts.

The very fact that this book is so obsessed with food-based rings is a bad sign.

8. The part that assumes the husband will never, ever, ever cook while simultaneously shaming the wife for wanting to look nice.

You and you only stand between your husband's and your own starvation. Either you surrender to the can-opener method of cooking, to allow more time at the beauty parlor, or you make up your mind to follow a more rewarding path. You decide to learn to cook well, to experiment and master culinary techniques, and to set interesting and nourishing meals on an attractive table.

Congratulations, new wife! Throw out your old life of beauty and fun, because you are now a kitchen appliance. That "rewarding path" might almost seem like a good idea until you realize that it's in the same book that recommends making...

9. The horrorshow that is Creamed Eggs in a Corned Beef Crust.

Wow! That parsley garnish must've come from a creative woman.

If you were looking for a dinner that looks like it could be the titular monster in a David Cronenberg film, this is the dish for you. Ingredients include corned beef (for the crust, duh), white bread, a raw egg, six hard-boiled eggs, a can of mushroom soup, a can of mushrooms, milk, and Worcestershire sauce. Of all of the dishes to photograph for this cookbook, this is the most mystifying. It doesn't just sound foul, it looks literally like vomit more than any other dish I have ever seen.

Of course, this entire book could have been an elaborate scheme to help speed married couples to early divorce. If so: great job, Happy Living!


Cher felt 'conned' after trying Kate Hudson's sportswear company.

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Well, looks like Fabletics, the sportswear company co-founded by Kate Hudson, inadvertently pissed off Cher. On Monday, the singer sent a tweet about trying to use the clothing company, but feeling "conned" in the process.

Her tweet reads: "Made mistake of going2 Fabletics. What a pain in the ass.won't even let u see anything Till u give them ur 1st born!! Felt I was Being Conned."

This is not exactly a ringing endorsement, and obviously the Fabletics c0mpany is not super excited. Shawn Gold, Corporate Marketing Officer of JustFab, Fabletics' parent company, told PeopleStyle:

First of all, we love Cher! We’re so bummed she did not like our member quiz. The introductory quiz helps us better understand our customers and personalize the shopping experience. By asking shoppers for their style and size preferences, we’re able to save our customers tons of money and eliminate waste. We only produce the clothing that people want. I wish we could turn back time and explain this to Cher.

Insert hands clapping emoji for the Cher song pun slipped in there. He continued:

We regularly introduce new ways to enhance the experience of our shoppers. Recently we’ve expanded customer service to 24/7 support and added video in the shopping cart to further explain the membership program. We also added online cancellations to ease the process when customers change their minds about how they’d like to shop with us. We get very few complaints relative to the number of customers we have, but all complaints are upsetting to us. So we do everything we can to ensure our customers are happy.

We've got those #FridayFeels // @katehudson in the Bryant Sports Bra

A photo posted by @fabletics on

Maybe Cher will give the company a second chance, but you know what? Probably not. At least she'll get to keep her firstborn.

The best reactions to Melania Trump apparently plagiarizing her RNC speech about working hard.

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Melania Trump. Stole. Her speech. (Allegedly.)

While speaking at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland last night, potential First Lady Melania Trump decided to send a message about working hard to get what you want in life, a message she claimed she wrote entirely by herself.

However, with the most irony that has ever existed, Melania appeared to steal that message from Michelle Obama's 2008 speech at the DNC. Journalist Jarrett Hill was the first to make the connection and then the reality of it all came crashing in. This isn't a dream, this really happened. All of Twitter exploded from the irony and hastags #MelaniaTrump, #FamousMelaniaTrumpQuotes, #MichelleObama, and #FlOTUS all began feverishly trending. Here are some of the best reactions so far:

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Still don't believe it? Watch Melania Trump's speech side by side with Michelle Obama's.

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Melania Trump gave a rousing speech at the Republican National Convention Monday night, but she apparently copied large portions of it from First Lady Michelle Obama's 2008 Democratic National Convention speech. Oh, the irony.

Here is a video of the First Lady's 2008 "One Nation" speech alongside Melania Trump's speech at the 2016 RNC. It's almost like watching an echo.

Although plagiarism could get you expelled from college, this is the RNC, so there are no rules.

Here is the excerpt of Michelle's speech that may have heavily inspired Melania's.

You work hard for what you want in life; that your word is your bond and you do what you say you're going to do; that you treat people with dignity and respect, even if you don't know them, and even if you don't agree with them.

And Barack and I set out to build lives guided by these values, and to pass them on to the next generation. Because we want our children — and all children in this nation — to know that the only limit to the height of your achievements is the reach of your dreams and your willingness to work for them.

Here is the specific part of Melania's speech that seems way too familiar:

You work hard for what you want in life. That your word is your bond and you do what you say and keep your promise. That you treat people with respect. They taught and showed me values and morals in their daily life. That is a lesson that I continue to pass along to our son.

And we need to pass those lessons on to the many generations to follow because we want our children in this nation to know that the only limit to your achievements is the strength of your dreams and your willingness to work for them.

Earlier in the day, Mr. and Mrs. Trump spoke to Matt Lauer about her upcoming speech where she told him she "wrote it with as little help as possible."

Well, more proof Republicans have been blocking out everything the Obamas have been saying for seven plus years.

In a statement following the plagiarism controversy, Trump's communications advisor Jason Miller (poor guy) released this statement:

In writing her beautiful speech, Melania's team of writers took notes on her life’s inspirations, and in some instances included fragments that reflected her own thinking. Melania’s immigrant experience and love for America shone through in her speech, which made it such a success.

Trump Campaign manager Paul Manafort (poor guy) also chimed in, and spoke to CNN about the similarities in the speech. He said:

There’s no cribbing of Michelle Obama’s speech. Certainly, there's no feeling on her part that she did it. What she did was use words that are common words.

Of course, family and hard work are common themes found in many speeches, but could she not even be bothered to switch around the order of the sentences she copied? Anyway, he added:

I mean, she was speaking in front of 35 million people last night. She knew that. To think that she would be cribbing Michelle Obama’s words is crazy.

I mean, this is, once again, an example of when a woman threatens Hillary Clinton, how she seeks out to demean her and take her down. It's not going to work.

Of course, Hillary Clinton was not the interviewer pressing Manafort for an answer on the similarities between the speeches.

It's certainly hard to argue that Melania didn't copy Michelle's speech when you have the two transcripts next to each other. Now, look forward to this issue getting overshadowed by some more crazy stuff at the convention later this week.

Taylor Swift might sue Kim Kardashian and Kanye West for recording that phone call.

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According to Perez Hilton, Taylor Swift is considering filing a lawsuit against Kanye West and his wife Kim Kardashian for recording a phone conversation without Swift's consent (which, in the state of California, is illegal). But if she does, no big deal to Kimye, because apparently, they were expecting this and are ready to fight.

The recording in question is one in which Swift and West discussed the lyrics of West's then-unreleased song "Famous."

An "an insider" told Perez Hilton:

Kim and Kanye consulted with their lawyers and still went ahead with releasing it… They are not worried. They are sick of Taylor's manipulations and her good girl act. They just wanted to expose her as a fake and will let the lawyers deal with legal stuff They didn't air it on the show because it would have required Taylor to sign a release for the usage and they didn't want it to affect the entire network… Taylor will sue Kanye personally.

It's not like either party is hurting for money, but Swift is pissed that the conversation was recorded and she's seems pretty ready to take their long-standing feud to the next level—court. Too bad it won't be Judge Judy.

Gillian Anderson posts pic of baby Kate McKinnon going full Scully.

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If you ever wondered why strong female representation in TV and film matters, take a look at this picture of a young Kate McKinnon dressed up as Agent Scully from The X-Files.

Kate McKinnon, we have something in common & it's not slimy green things. #Ghostbusters #thefutureisfemale

Posted by Gillian Anderson on Monday, July 18, 2016

Gillian Anderson, aka Dana Scully,definitely made an impression on the future ghostbuster when she was just a little girl. Not only did she provide a kick-ass role model for McKinnon to aspire to, but according to this interview with Queerty, Scully was also a big part of McKinnon's lesbian-awakening.

I figured it out by watching the X-Files and noticing my physiological reaction to it. I thought it was a product of David Duchovny’s face but it was Gillian Anderson who still is the queen of my heart.

The two now share the experiences of playing strong females who take on the supernatural and being berated online by misogynists who can't handle a little onscreen girl power. Yay!

5 things that used to be kinky but are kind of boring now.

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In the good ole days, back before the internet turned everyone into hate-filled trolls and Kardashian worshipers, you could get really excited over the little things in life. Like getting a letter in the mail or the missionary position. Back then making whoopie with the lights on was enough for you to be considered a total freak in the sheets. Now any wild and weird sex act you can imagine is literally at your fingertips. (Did you know sitting on cakes was a sex thing?) Here are 5 formerly kinky acts, that are now kinda vanilla.

1. Sex toys

Vibrators used to be for freaks only, something you could only purchase in a sex shop at a highway off-ramp. Now they've completely replaced Tupperware parties in Mom's living rooms. You can even buy them at Walgreens, just one aisle away from the Metamucil. Keep those juices flowin!

2. Whipped Cream.

Sure, it sounds like a total clichénow, but whipped cream used to be the single kinkiest thing two people could bring in the bedroom. "Bedbugs and sticky nipples be damned, we've got to save this marriage, Susan!"

3. Dirty Talk

Filthy pillow talk used to be reserved for the truly kinky. Nowadays, the only way you could shock your partner in bed is by saying something truly demented like,"I'm voting for Trump."

4. Porn

Before dudes had constant access to porn and Pokemon on their phones, horn dogs had to get off to scrambled grainy shadows of boobs on TV, crumpled up dirty magazines, or real live humans. It was a simpler time. Unless you lived with your parents.

5. Spanking

Giving your partner a pat on the tush used to be naughty AF. Now it's about as played out as a Kim K nude selfie. 50 Shades of Grey ushered in a whole new form of bedroom rough-housing that goes way beyond a spank. According to the movie it involves a lot of props and poorly written dialog like, "I don't make love, I f*ck hard." It's really fun for married couples who want to hit each other for many reasons.

These days, spanking is the last thing you think of when you think of bedroom butt stuff. Unfortunately now you think of Kanye.

#neverforget #fingersinthebootyassbitch

Whether you're old-fashioned or horny and adventurous, be safe and have fun out there, and in there, and out there, and in there.

A new study found that prostitutes make great neighbors.

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According to a study from the University of Central Lancashire, prostitutes make great neighbors, and not just because they let you borrow a little sugar.

See what I did there.

The study found that the funny business that goes down in brothels boosts the safety and economy and the neighborhood, making things better for families. Residents described living next to erotic massage parlors and brothels as "better than daytime television," and said that the employees are "neighbours who put the bins out like everyone else."

Ned Flanders, Prostitute.

Focusing on Blackpool, the city dubbed "The Amsterdam of the UK," residents of the Red Light District find that "gaudy neon signs advertising sex for sale 'brighten up the area' and make people feel safer by making the streets busier," and it's good for the neighborhood when people get busy,

The city council of Blackpool set its sights on shutting down the "vice trade," fearing that it's bad for tourism, and started by confining all the brothers to one specific strip. The study, titled, "Brothels in Blackpool: The Ordinary Neighbour?" found that rather than being outraged, residents of the 24-hour sex district find the business "comforting."

Sex workers are always there when you need them.

Dr. Emily Cooper of the University of Central Lancashire found that small businesses appreciate the sex trade for making small talk with customers easier, writing:

Those parlours surrounded by other non-sex work businesses and residences were often referred to by nearby non-sex work business workers as a means of breaking the ice and building rapport with customers, because of questions asked about the parlours being there.

Dr. Cooper hopes that the positive findings of these studies will encourage more tolerant policing in red light districts all over the world.

"They contribute economically via the use of taxi services and other amenities for clients and sex workers, and finally, a role that is never reported, the sex workers are also neighbours and friends who 'put the bins out like everybody else'," she concluded.

These findings give the green light to buy real estate with the Red Light.


13 celebrities who are total clean freaks.

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If you're one of those people who flushes the toilet with their foot, alphabetizes their DVDs, or bathes in Purell, then you're in good company. Many celebrities are self-proclaimed neat freaks, germophobes, and perfectionists. Sure, it's a little easier to have everything squeaky clean when you have servants to order around, but some of these stars work just as hard at staying germ-free as they do on their bikini bodies. For the rest of us slobs out there, we get to experience something these clean freak celebrities never will, the five-second rule.

Saturday night in Hollywood.

1. Matt Lauer

Breaking news: Purell is bae.

Matt Lauer is a notorious germophobe. The Today showanchor always has a bottle of Purell in his pocket. (He's not just happy to see you.) New York Magazine reported: "He’s constantly out shaking hands with the crowd, and the minute he turns away, he’s Purell-ing his hands. If you ever walk in his office, it’s like a ­museum—he’s meticulous."

Lauer freely admits his obsession with cleanliness. In the following clip from The Tonight Show, he tells Jimmy Fallon about a trip to New Zealand where there was no indoor plumbing. "I think I held it for four days. No, seriously. I don't need to eat lunch and dinner, because I know I'm going to have to go in that outhouse eventually," he joked. A porta potty in New Zealand sounds like it would be cleaner than anything he'd touch in New York, but we'll take his word for it.


2. Reese Witherspoon

Apparently Reese is as perfect as she seems. Her housekeepers have no dirt on her, literally. They say she’s so neat and tidy that they never have much cleaning to do, despite the star having three kids. If that's not annoying enough, then wait until you find out how she likes to let loose in her free time. The actress told Harper’s BAZAAR, “You know what I like to do? Reorganize bookshelves and my sock drawer.” She says her husband doesn't quite understand her organizing obsession.

“Jim’s like, ‘What have you been doing for four hours in your closet?’ I’m like, ‘Um, reorganizing my underwear?’”

4 hours' worth of underwear? Come on Reese!

3. David Beckham

How many times do you think he washed his hands after touching this fish?

It turns out that bending it like Beckham actually means keeping everything straight AF. The soccer star's OCD keeps him busy obsessively organizing. "I need to have everything in a straight line or everything has to be in pairs," Beckham said. "I'll put my Pepsi cans in the fridge and if there's one too many then I'll put it in another cupboard somewhere. I'll go into a hotel room and before I can relax, I have to move all the leaflets and all the books and put them in a drawer. Everything has to be perfect."

His wife Victoria Beckham, a.k.a. Posh Spice, described her husband as "a weirdo" because of his condition. (Classic Posh) She said, "Everything has to match in the house. If there are three cans of Diet Pepsi, he'd throw one away because it's uneven." Sounds like a pretty chill guy.


4. Taylor Swift

👀

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

The only thing messy about T-Swift is her breakups. "I'm sort of a neat freak," she confessed, "I need the bed to be made." (WHAT A MONSTER!) Swift really put some thought into this personality trait. "It's kind of interesting because that kind of defies the whole musician thing," she said. "I think we're supposed to be messy, but I need everything to be neat and put away and organized." She neglected to mention that she's such a control freak, she forced her BFFs to wear matching patriotic bathing suits on 4th of July, but we were totally on to her.

🇺🇸

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

5. Lisa Rinna

Another day at the office. 🌴

A photo posted by Lisa Rinna (@lisarinna) on

This Real Housewife is a real clean freak. The former Days of Our Lives star was seen freaking out on an American Airlines flight, wiping down most of the first class cabin with alcohol wipes. A fellow passenger gave Page Six an eyewitness account:

She is a well-known germaphobe, and once she got on the plane, whipped out a canister of sanitary wipes and cleaned down her seat, tray, everything. Then she announced if anyone else wanted their seat wiped . . . and went ahead and started cleaning the seat in front of her, screaming it was ‘disgusting!’ When she went to the bathroom, she covered every surface with toilet paper and basically left it that way, so the next passenger had to figure out what to do with all the paper.

Rinna confirms her germ paranoia on her blog. She posted, “Hotel rooms are gross. I’m sorry, but if you think of the who, what and where that TV changer has been, you would wipe that whole f *cking place down just like I do with my alcohol wipes. By the way, I also wipe my plane seat down and everything around me. You betcha OCD, baby, but if that keeps the bodily fluids/germs off of me, then it’s so well worth it folks!”

Maybe Kylie Jenner will copy this, like she copied her oversized lips.

6. Tom Cruise

You had me at Purell.

No one (not even Xenu) thinks Tom Cruise has any chill whatsoever. So it's not surprising to learn the movie star is a total clean freak. Sources revealed that when Tom was married to Katie Holmes, he wouldn't even allow her to use his equipment in their private gym. If that's not confirmation that these two were not swapping any kind of fluids during their relationship, then what is?

Tom also doesn't allow anyone to wear shoes indoors, not even on his custom-built Scientology bus. According to a former high-ranking church staffer, Cruise ordered the bus to be fitted with a special drawer for slippers because he didn’t want anyone germing up the carpet with their feet.

No shoes on the bus carpet, but on Oprah's couch he DGAF.

7. Charlize Theron

That face you make when you think you left a cabinet open.

Charlize Theron's OCD keeps her up at night. "I have to be incredibly tidy and organized or it messes with my mind and switches off on me," she said. The Monster actress discussed the anxiety she feels when something is out of place. "I have a problem with cabinets being messy and people just shoving things in and closing the door. I will lie in bed and not be able to sleep because I'll say to myself: 'I think I saw something in that cabinet that just shouldn't be there,'" she told London's Daily Mail.


8. Donald Trump

He loves washing his tiny lil hands.

Presidential candidate and jack-o-lantern model Donald Trump is a self proclaimed "clean-hands freak." He once called shaking hands "one of the curses of American society," and said, "I feel much better after I thoroughly wash my hands, which I do as much as possible." He also said he never hits the ground floor button in elevators because too many other people people touch it, leaving it infested with germs. Eww poor people cooties! On the campaign trail, Trump once distributed bottles of Purell hand sanitizer to reporters so he could shake their hands without fear. ​

There's one group of people Trump is really repulsed by. Teachers. (Bet you thought it was "Mexicans.") He once said, "I'm going to do everything in my power not to shake hands with teachers. They have 17,000 germs per square inch on their desks. That's ten times the germ rate of other professions." Pageant contestants, on the other hand, are super fun to touch.

Models don't have germs.

9. Madonna

You'd think Madonna got exposed to enough germs in the '80s to be immune to anything found on a toilet seat.

It's no secret Madonna is a a perfectionist. She's also a self proclaimed neat freak. “My children’s bedrooms. I go ballistic if their clothes are on the floor,” she said. “If a picture is crooked I have to fix it. All clothes must be hung up. I hate messes.” She told Harper's BAZAAR, "If someone throws something on the floor or over a chair, I have to pick it up and hang it up."

Clothes on the floor are one thing, but the Material Girl takes her cleanliness a step further (Okay, several steps further). Madge requires a new toilet seat for her dressing room at every venue she performs in. Yet another insider disclosed that the Material Girl is so obsessed with cleanliness that “before she will go to the toilet, she’ll send one of her team in with gloves and a face mask, with a bottle of disinfectant and a cloth.”

If all that toilet cleaning wasn't enough, Madonna has a sterilization team come and clean her dressing rooms. She reportedly wants to make sure any DNA that may have been dropped in the room is obliterated. The sterilization team comes in after she leaves too. So if you were thinking of snapping up some of Madonna's stray hair, skin, or saliva, think again, sicko.

Some of us remember when Madonna hated to be called "neat."


10. Cameron Diaz

There's Something About Doorknobs.

Cam made the the list of Hollywood's biggest slobs for not wearing deodorant and rocking pit stains on the red carpet, but she also makes our clean freak list for her doorknob paranoia. The Charlie's Angels star is known for opening doors with her elbows, and has admitted to cleaning the doorknobs of her Los Angeles home so much that the paint wore off. She's also admitted to washing her hands "many times" each day. "I'm not scared of germs. I'm just aware of them," Diaz once said. "I'm not into other people's fluids unless I know them really well." That's also the first line on her online dating bio.


11. Courtney Cox

OMG. She's such a Monica

Courtney Cox is best known for playing the clean freak Monica on the TV show Friends. (Maybe you've heard of it.) As it turns out, that role wasn't too much of a stretch for Cox. She described her cleaning quirks and the moment she realized she was a Monica.

"OK, I am a neat freak. I could easily pick lint off of someone else. I was doing, I think it was The Jon Stewart Show,' and I was picking things off of him and I thought, 'Oh my God, I'm just like Monica. This is too scary.' I have a lot of glass in my house, and I remember saying as a joke once that I clean my stuff with Windex while my friends are over, but then I found myself actually doing that the other day. It's horrible."

Friends don't let friends be Monicas.

12. Gwyneth Paltrow

#doingthings @outdoorvoices 💕💕💕

A photo posted by Gwyneth Paltrow (@gwynethpaltrow) on

Gwyneth Paltrow's one of the most hated people in Hollywood, and this little factoid probably won't score her any cool points. It takes a team of assistants to bring the exclusive gym she belongs to up to her spotless standards. Before she showers, Gwyneth has her assistant go into the stall to clean the entire shower and wipe it dry. She doesn't want to risk coming into contact with what she calls "somebody else's shower water." She also flat out refuses to use toilet paper that anyone else may have touched, and demands a sealed package every time. Asource toldLife and Style magazine, "It's nuts."

Yes, Gwyneth Paltrow admits to being a neat freak, but what else would you expect from someone who believes everyone should steam clean their vaginas?


13. Khloe Kardashian

Khloe K. says she's obsessed with cleaning, and like everything else in the Kardashian's lives, she's trying to kapitalize on it. The reality star admits to having her bed sheets washed every two days, and her towels washed and bleached daily. (This is why you need servants.) She also says she buys new pillows every 6 months so they don't get dusty. (Not sure if she's talking about the ones you sleep on or butt implants, but either way, she keeps it fresh.)

Khloe brags about her love of kleaning (or her “Khlo-C-D”) in videos for her website (like the one of her drool-worthy snack pantry below), but sources claim she's not the one who organizes them. "Khloe doesn't lift a finger at her house!" the insider said. "She just barks orders at her assistant and housekeepers to have the cookies and other goodies displayed so that they will look good on camera. If the junk food isn't displayed the way Khloe wants, she will dump it upside down and make them do it all over again."

That pantry is definitely my favorite Kardashian.

5 not plagiarized, not totally terrible things Melania Trump said at the RNC.

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After a full day of fear-mongering madness at the Republican National Convention, the 14-minute address by First Lady candidate Melania Trump was absolutely the least awful. Despite being plagued by plagiarism, the female Trump did an impressive job of staying poised before the crowd, managing not to spew hate and fear like a Chachi or a Giuliani. Here are five totally-not-terrible things she said, as the breath of fresh air in a stuffy room of stuffy old people.

1."The 2016 Republican primaries were fierce and started with many candidates, 17 to be exact, and I know that Donald agrees with me when I mention how talented all of them are. They deserve respect and gratitude from all of us."

It's certainly a classy move to thank the candidates we lost along the way. She sounds more genuine in saying that her husband's former foes "deserve respect and gratitude" than when Trump does, considering he only referred to them by vicious, petty nicknames.

2. "I would like to take this moment to recognize an amazing veteran, the great Senator Bob Dole. And let us thank all of our veterans in the arena today, and those across our great country. We are all truly blessed to be here. That will never change."

It's always important to thank veterans, and calling attention to Bob Dole is a nice opportunity to reminisce about Republican candidates of yore.

3. "One of the many causes dear to my heart is helping children and women. You judge a society by how it treats its citizens. We must do our best to ensure that every child can live in comfort and security, with the best possible education."

It was the first mention of "helping women" at the convention thus far, and unlike the politicians, she might actually mean it.

3. "There is a great deal of love in the Trump family. That is our bond, and that is our strength."

It's always moving to hear people talk about what a close family means to them, and "there is a great deal of love in the Trump family" is certainly not plagiarized from Michelle Obama.

4. "We need new programs to help the poor and opportunities to challenge the young. There has to be a plan for growth — only then will fairness result."

"Fairness"? "Programs to help the poor"? She certainly must be from communist Slovenia.

5. "As citizens of this great nation, it is kindness, love and compassion for each other that will bring us together — and keep us together."

It's a shame that as an immigrant (gasp!) she's ineligible to run for president, because she's the most presidential Trump of them all.

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Leslie Jones spent a day retweeting the horrifying, racist messages she gets from trolls.

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Internet trolls have sad, unfulfilled lives. If they didn't, they would not be internet trolls. Keep that in mind as you read the hateful, misogynistic, and racist tweets that people have been sending Ghostbusters star Leslie Jones on Twitter lately.

All the drama started Monday when Jones decided she had had enough of the disgusting and hurtful things people were saying about her on Twitter, and decided to expose her haters for their harassment by retweeting their deplorable nonsense rather than ignoring it.

Here is just a sampling of the horrific things she has been subjected to.

After her re-tweeting spree, Jones went on a Twitter rant to address all the unwarranted hate she was receiving.

Unfortunately, due to their lack of empathy, internet trolls don't respond well to rationality, vulnerability or compassion. Instead, the harassment campaign against Jones continued as people photoshopped fake tweets to make it look like she was saying racist, anti-semitic and homophobic things.

As the abuse continued (and continues to continue), the folks at Twitter failed to step in to ban users or stop the harrassment. Jones signed off by saying:

Some sources credit Milo Yiannopoulos aka @Nero, aka the human equivalent to the sludge that accumulates at the bottom of a public trash can, as someone who escalated the hate on Leslie's page. Slate notes that he "deliberately made things worse for Jones by pointing his dimwitted readers in her direction." His review of Ghostbusters was entitled, "Teenage Boys With Tits: Here's My Problem With Ghostbusters."

Trying to combat hate with love, people showed their support for Jones by using the hashtag #LoveForLeslieJ. Also, a lot of famous people love Leslie Jones.

Twitter is notoriously bad at handling cases of abuse, but this debacle has people, more than ever, putting pressure on the site to make changes to its guidelines. If there's a way to stop cyberbullying before it starts, now's the time to make it happen.

Yelp's new filter helps users find pokeballs and pizza.

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Yelp, the app popular for allowing customers to find and rate restaurants, and for restaurant owners to announce that complainers have crapped their pants, has just added a new feature.

You can apply a filter that will help you find any PokeStops for PokemonGo nearby.

The PokemonGO game already includes a map that will help you find PokeStops, but it doesn't have the ability to ALSO find you a place that serves brunch. This is kinda a get-it-all-at-one-place deal.

You can find this feature by opening "Filters" on your Yelp app, and then selecting "See All."

Anywhere there is a PokeStop nearby IS a happy hour.

Some people are viewing this video game acceptance as the end of civilization.

But Yelp is claiming they are just "making it easier to 'catch 'em all.'"

And to do that, they are asking users for their help catching all the PokeStops. When people leave a review, asking if there is a PokeStop nearby is now one of Yelp's standard questions.

Only a few days ago people were joking that this should be a feature. Now it's here.

This is such a rapid response to a newsworthy game, they clearly are on top of things. Don't be surprised if by tomorrow they've added another feature showing which reviews were plagiarized by Melania Trump.

Makeup artist Jeffree Star says he doesn't need to 'clap back' as he claps back at ex-BFF Kat Von D.

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Jeffree Star, who's made a name for himself as an indie makeup artist and as the official Kylie Jenner-caller-outer for what he sees as her inferior business practices (and, to be fair, the Better Business Bureau also sees them as inferior business practices), is no longer a friend of tattoo artist and fellow makeup guru, Kat Von D. Friendship OVER.

Kat posted a statement on both Facebook and Instagram in the early morning hours of Tuesday, effectively terminating the friendship.

After years of making excuses for, and rationalizing Jeffree's inappropriate behavior (including, promoting drug use,...

Posted by Kat Von D on Monday, July 18, 2016

Her post reads:

After years of making excuses for, and rationalizing Jeffree's inappropriate behavior (including, promoting drug use, racism, and bullying) I can no longer hold my tongue after recent events. I know that over the years, many of you were introduced to Jeffree through me, and regardless if you chose to continue to follow him or not, I just would like to disassociate myself from him and his brand from this point on. I plan on posting a video explanation as to why I felt compelled to make such a statement. But for the time being, I simply want to apologize to anybody and everybody who has ever had to deal with any of his negativity. And yes, with a heavy heart, I will be pulling the shade "Jeffree" from my collection. Sending extra love to everyone out there.

If this is confusing to you, you are not alone. Von D has promised that a video explanation is forthcoming, which might clear up some questions.

Best friends forever. 💗💗 @jeffreestar [sunglasses: @valleyeyewear ]

A photo posted by Kat Von D (@thekatvond) on

Other people's posts on Facebook have mentioned their objections to some of Star's recent behavior, including a fight on social media with beauty YouTuber Shayla in May.

In a now deleted tweet, Star actually threatened to "beat [Shayla] to the fucking ground." Yikes.

He also once apparently joked that he'd throw battery acid on a woman to make her skin lighter in a YouTube "comedy" video that a lot of people found offensive.

In response to Von D's post, Star sent out a series of tweets early this morning.

Looks like Jeffree won't need his half of the Best Friends charm anymore.

5 almost-pornos you can stream on Netflix.

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Netflix offers TV shows to binge, documentaries to make you feel smarter, and a few movies with so much sex and romance that they pass as art but are practically soft porn. Netflix has your erotica needs covered. It won't be necessary to go into the private or incognito viewing mode in your web browser, and you don't have to scan those adult cable channels that are way past the number 400.

The best part is that most of these movies were featured at top festivals or received good reviews. So you won't look like a total perv for watching them.

1. Y Tu Mamá También (2001)

Brothers Alfonso and Carlos Cuarón wrote this coming of age movie about two young men who take a road trip with an older woman. Enough said, because that means there are sensual threesomes. This movie was nominated for Best Original Screenplay at the Academy Awards and Best Foreign Language Film at the Golden Globes.

2. On the Road (2010)

The adaptation of Jack Kerouac's 1957 novel premiered at the Cannes and Toronto film festivals. It received mixed reviews, but it stars Amy Adams and Kristen Stewart. Stewart has a few steamy threesomes with two men, which is why you're going to check it out.

3. Sex and Lucia (2001)

Sex and Lucia was an official selection at the Sundance and Toronto Film Festivals, and the late Roger Ebert gave it three stars. It also has exceptional ratings scores on Rotten Tomatoes, so it's actually a solid movie. The film deals with a woman making lots and lots of love as she deals with a breakup. It blurs the lines between fantasy and reality, so it gets points for being artsy and a foreign film.

4. Sleeping Beauty (2011)

This sensual drama follows a young college student (Emily Browning) who works for a secretive high-end escort service, though not as a sex worker herself. A New York Times review said the film is a "dreamy detachment that is seductive and unnerving in equal measure." The movie was not rated, which means sexy fun viewing awaits you.

5. Perfect Sense (2011)

Perfect Sense is a combination of erotic romance and science fiction. It follows Eva Green and Ewan McGregor who grapple with the world following a strange plague that strips people of their five senses. But instead of battling zombies, they decide to enjoy hot sex as they gradually lose their sensory perceptions one by one.

Enjoy watching these "artsy" movies while they're still on Netflix. Watch them alone, with a partner, or if you've learned anything from many of these movies, two partners (wink wink).


Gwyneth Paltrow really wants 'vagina steaming' to be a thing.

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In 2015, Gwyneth Paltrow wrote about the benefits of v-steaming (where the "v" stands for "vagina") on her lifestyle blog, Goop. And now she talked about it again, in an interview with New York Magazine's The Cut published on July 18, because apparently people are really interest in Paltrow's steamy vag.

@goop instant facial is my everything. Can't. Live. Without. #goopcleangoop

A video posted by Gwyneth Paltrow (@gwynethpaltrow) on

When The Cut asked Paltrow why she continues to try "weird" beauty treatments, she answered:

I have Goop.com, and we’ve sort of taken on the responsibility of trying all that stuff. And like I said, I actually really like being the guinea pig. Some of my other girls are guinea pigs for stuff, too, but I enjoy trying things. I don’t necessarily endorse all of them, but I like to try them and write about them. It makes for really good content.

Well, you can't argue with that. Then The Cut asked if Paltrow ever laughed at herself, while trying some of the "unique treatments, like v-steaming." They just can't let the vagina treatment go. Anyway, Paltrow obliged them with a response:

Oh, totally. The first time I tried v-steaming, I was like, This is insane. My friend Ben brought me and I was like, “You are out of your fucking mind. What is this?” But then by the end of it I was like, “This is so great.” Then I start to do research, and it’s been in Korean medicine for thousands of years and there are real healing properties. If I find benefit to it and it’s getting a lot of page views, it’s a win-win.

Okay, but what actually is v-steaming? According to the Goop site, it's a combination of "infrared and mugwort" steam that cleanses your "uterus, et al."

Paltrow's Goop claims that it's "an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels." Presumably this should be done in a spa by a professional, and not at home with your handy travel steamer, although that might do a pretty good job of getting the wrinkles out.

Once more, with feeling.

Jon Stewart reunites with 'Stephen Colbert' to try and make sense of this Trump thing.

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It may or may not be a coincidence that as soon as Jon Stewart left television, the political scene went to hell (but at least those horses are being saved, right?) In an attempt to make sense of the madness, Colbert sought out Stewart in his kale-hole to do spit-takes and turn back into the spitfire "Stephen Colbert."

Colbert swapped out his glasses and personas to connect the dots between Stephen Colbert The Character and Donald Trump The Candidate, two fake Republican television personalities who started as jokes. "Stephen Colbert" came out of retirement to use his signature truthiness to sum up the election in one word: Trumpiness.

Make America Great Again by bringing back the 2005-2014 Comedy Central late night lineup.

Nickelodeon is about to make history by introducing an interracial gay married couple on 'The Loud House.'

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Nickelodeon is set to make history Wednesday night when it debuts its first ever same-sex married couple, on its animated show The Loud House.

In the July 20 episode, titled "Overnight Success," the show's main character, Lincoln, is waiting for his friend, Clyde McBride, to arrive at his house for a sleepover. As Clyde counts down his arrival, Lincoln says, "This is it. Time to make history."

Then Clyde is dropped off at Lincoln's house by his two dads, Harold and Howard McBride (who are voiced by Wayne Brady and Michael McDonald, respectively.)

That's right. The McBrides are not only a gay couple, they're an interracial gay couple. They're also totally adorable. Good job all around, Nickelodeon.

Yay for representation in media! Yay for love! Everybody bring it in.

Article 112

Watch an ear canal stuffed with wax get cleaned out so they can better hear you yell "ew!"

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Do you enjoy watching those pimple popper videos? Do you find them "oddly satisfying"? Well, give this video a try and see if it's up your alley. Gross Alley. For everyone else, dear god, look away. LOOK AWAY. I'M SO SORRY. Warning: GRAPHIC GROSS EAR CONTENT. SO GROSS.

There's really no information on the video other than the title: "Stuck Earwax At Its Worst" and the account that posted it (drrahmatorlummc), which belongs to Dr. Rahmat Omar's OtoRhinoLaryngology Portal (he's an ENT—ear/nose/throat physician). Oh, and that it's been viewed almost half a million times in less than a day. Could waxy ears be the new blackheads?

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