Happy Mother's Day to the person who uses my voicemail like a podcast.
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If you were my mom, I'd still be breast-feeding.
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Happy Mother's Day to someone whose parts I hope have returned to their original shape and location.
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Thanks for being a great mom through my thirty-year awkward phase.
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May your love for your mother fall somewhere between Kevin Durant's and Norman Bates's.
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If I'm late to Mother's Day brunch it's just because I needed to stop and grab a box of Plan B.
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Now Cantor can go back to his day job of being the "suspicious business man" in every movie adaptation of a John Grisham novel.
albertina rizzoWed, 11 Jun 2014 16:36:34 EDTNow Cantor can go back to his day job of being the "suspicious business man" in every movie adaptation of a John Grisham novel.
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What Your Dad's Google Search History Probably Looks Like
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Fingers crossed.
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This dad draws awesome cartoons on his son's lunch bag every day because he's a better father than you'll ever be or have.
Do lunch bags count as fair use? Surely Bill Watterson would approve.
This dad deserves an extra-special Father's Day card for decorating his son's lunches so fantastically. He should probably draw it for himself, though, since he's really, really good at drawing. Redditor welldunn, aka Bag Dad, says he's been drawing on his kid's lunch bags every day for the past two years. He usually spends his lunch break doing the colored-pencil drawings—they take about a half hour—and then colors them in at night while he watches TV.
Bag Dad decided to start the project because it was a good way to get better at illustrating—his real passion—and force himself to draw every day. His kid holds on to a few favorites, and the rest are given away to friends. A few are hanging in his son's art teacher's classroom. Bag Dad doesn't plan ahead; he just draws whatever pops into his head when he sits down and puts pencil to paper bag.
I want someone to do this for me. Or just make me lunch.
Here's the imgur album with more of Bag Dad's favorites from first grade:
(by Shira Rachel Danan)
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Always there.
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Crazy wife serenely destroys shared car in most inefficient way possible.
This car is getting "vandalize-ed." (via)
The scene opens with the action already in progress. The wife (ex-wife?) is smacking the red convertible with a hammer. The husband (ex?) is desperately trying to get her to stop.
Just kidding, he's calmly narrating the whole event while he films it with his camera. The video was uploaded to YouTube by Ray Leaker, and then kindly added to reddit by user gm01.
Clearly, he's more into proving that the woman is crazy than he is about preserving their property. He can't even use this video as evidence to take her to court because, according to the only thing the woman says in the video, "it isn't vandalism if it's your property." And her name is on the lease.
It is unclear what started the argument but redditor Masterdmr rightly suggests it is because "he insisted on holding his iPhone vertically while recording videos."
Watch! As she slowly and listlessly pats the hammer against the car's paint job.
Listen! As she drags the back of the hammer against the cars interior.
Groan! As the narrator tries to drag innocent people in a truck into his strange domestic dispute.
As the film draws to a close, the narrator wraps things up by saying, "Well, I think we all know where this is going."
You're going to go inside and have passionless makeup sex?
"She's going to hurt me after this."
Close enough.
(by Myka Fox)
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Relief worker in Afghanistan finds relief for himself.
Mom didn't sew his name into this one. (via)
The Guardian cares about those who care. As part of their Humanitarian Contacts Project, they asked individuals engaged in humanitarian work to show and tell about the "unexpected essentials that come in handy."
Humanitarian Dave Higgins, a relief worker in Afghanistan, submitted this picture of his gear along with the note "We have to travel light here, so no luxuries: first aid kit, water filter, emergency rations, flesh light, sleeping bag ground sheet, knife, and distress beacon."
I always forget to bring the fleshlight. You know, the flashlight-shaped tube people stick their dicks into to simulate being inside an orifice. That thing.
Apparently, The Guardian agrees with Higgin's survival gear, because they went ahead and tweeted it out.
We peak inside the luggage of a relief worker in Afghanistan on our #humanitarian assignment http://t.co/xRaeMvcgaNpic.twitter.com/aaaSSnZ56d
— Development Pros (@GuardianGDP) June 11, 2014In fairness, they did ask for items that "come in handy."
(by Myka Fox)
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Man worried no one will believe he really slipped and got his penis stuck in a pipe.
I bet this wasn't what he was hoping for. You never know, though. People are weird. (via)
Lian Tien, 61, of Quanzhou City in Fujian Province, China, says "I was painting the wall in the nude" in his apartment on a really warm day. All that heat and paint and sweat made for a terrible combination, because "I slipped on the floor, causing my private parts to fall inside the pipe that was protruding from the wall to take water outside from my air conditioning unit. Unfortunately, I got stuck as a result."
It's also unfortunate that he didn't leave his air conditioner hooked up to all the correct pipes, or else maybe he wouldn't have been so hot that he needed to paint naked, or at least there wouldn't have been that open pipe just looking to snag any passing genitals.
As you can tell by his home painting activities, Mr. Tien is a handyman of sorts, and attempted to fix the problem himself. He removed the pipe from the wall, "and tried pouring oil and liquid soap down the sides, but my manhood was so tightly wedged that nothing dripped down." In English, this is what we call a humblebrag.
Another virtue of painting is the practice of patience, so Mr. Tien decided it was best to sleep on the matter and see what happened. "I went to sleep thinking if I relaxed it would slide off, but it didn't. It began to get red and inflamed. I was worried that I would get a terrible infection."
Mr. Tien later told reporters that he "did not think people would believe" him and his story, but it ended up being more than disbelief: doctors didn't even know what to do with the man who came in with a pipe hanging off of himself, and eventually called in firefighters to saw it off.
Fittingly, the operation took exactly the amount of time we have all come to associate with unexpected phallic emergencies: four hours.
Several media outlets reporting this story compared it to that of the British clergyman who, in 2008, was hanging curtains when he "fell backwards onto a potato" and had to have it removed from his anus. Then there's our own list of people who have been caught having sex with objects they should not have been sexing upon. People! Gotta love 'em.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Two pugs were married over the weekend in a lavish, noisy ceremony.
Betty having second thoughts.(via)
If you're one of those people that cries at wedding, you should probably grab a tissue. And if you're the kind of person that weeps for humanity when it seems as though we've completely lost the plot, you may want to grab a few. Because two pugs named Betty and Albert were married in England over the weekend in a £2,000 ceremony that was equal parts touching and cuckoo.
Betty wore a custom-made gown with matching panties designed by the couple's owner, hairdresser Christine Reynolds. While Albert went with a non-traditional pinstripe tux-bib combo and his ass hanging out.
Neither dog appeared to be terribly interested in the ceremony. Albert even made an escape attempt, possibly after being spooked by part of the vows where the priest talked about him getting peed on.
There was no shortage of snorting, mostly because many of the guests were also pugs, but also due to the fact that the bride wore white, even though she and Albert have lived together for over a year.
Reynolds is aware what most people would think about putting so much effort into a wedding for two animals with an IQ measuring somewhere between a chimp and a pumpkin, but said afterwards, “I am barking mad, but I know my pugs are in love so getting them married seem like the right thing to do.”
Now that Albert has made Betty an honest woman, there's even talk of them having puppies.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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The TSA's Instagram account contains all the best weapons people failed to bring on planes this year.
I'm most worried about juan_geezy, the guy who was cool with this before 9/11.
With about a year under its belt (which it has to remove before going through the scanners), the Instagram account of the Transportation Security Administration has earned some notice for being home to the Internet's greatest arsenal of the insane and often homemade weapons Americans thought they needed to defend themselves in the sky. As you might imagine from the elite corps of blue-shirted gropers who stand between you and a timely departure, it's really weird and often makes you feel less safe than if they weren't there at all.
As far as I can tell, most people follow the TSA on Instagram for gift ideas.
It is basically the wet dream of that weird kid in high school who watched The Matrix too many times, believed he was meant to live as a Viking, and (as Vikings do) ordered Japanese throwing stars off of the Internet.
I can't say "bomb" in an airport but these guys can ask "...but what about Amtrak?"
Like, a lot of throwing stars.
If you aren't ninja enough to hide ninja stars, you don't deserve ninja stars.
Did I mention the grenades?
Usually, the grenades are duds that people have collected. Usually.
Don't forget drugs! Because with all of these live explosives on your plane, you're really worried about whether someone is smuggling weed across state lines.
There are some days when being a drug-sniffing dog is pretty easy.
The TSA is always learning new things from its customers, like that you need to spell out the concept that spearguns are not OK to take on planes.
Explaining that this would mostly be useful if the plane went down in water will not help you.
On the other hand, there are still some great pictures of the only kind of TSA agents people are happy to let inspect their crotches: K-9 officers.
This is Clifford's brother, Clement the Normal-Sized Pink Dog.
The only thing they don't have on Instagram is the thing we really want to see: all of our naked pictures. Maybe if Scout Willis succeeds in changing Instagram's nudity policy, the TSA can become the social media giant they were always meant to be. In the meantime, we'll have to settle for bear mace.
In Newark? But New Jersey bears use this stuff as body spray and think it smells good.
So if you like amateur weaponry, gawking at idiots, and creative ways to end up on federal lists, follow the TSA on Instagram. It may come in handy when you're in a windowless room explaining that you only brought that cane sword to the airport so you could get on their page.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Me time.
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These #DadBookTitles Would Make The Perfect Father's Day Gift If They Existed
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Equal payback.
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The characters from Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones face off in a bloody, action-packed battle for the remote.
YouTube filmmaking duo The Racka Racka (real-life Australian brothers Michael and Danny Philippou) are back to once again settle the age-old question of which fantasy characters would win in a fight, following their previous epic battle between Luke Skywalker and Harry Potter.
This installment is an ensemble faceoff, featuring the Fellowship of the Ring against the main characters from Game of Thrones. As always, the fight to the death is over the most important thing possible to beings that only exist on-screen: the TV remote.
Racka Racka does a great job bringing a level of choreographed violence you don't get very often in homemade videos. My only disappointment is a lack of head-crushing, preferably administered by the cave troll lady. Their accents are sort of hard to understand, but there's no mistaking the pitch-perfect heartbreak in the voice of Jorah Mormont saying "Khaleesi."
(by Johnny McNulty)
Check out our recap of the second-to-last episode of this season's Game of Thrones here, and get ready for this week's big finale!
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