If you like nature documentaries but you find the soothing voice of David Attenborough too obnoxiously dignified, here's a humble recommendation: Planet Earthwith subtitles from Aziz Ansari's stand up special, Live at Madison Square Garden.
Reddit user benmeiri84 uploaded a series of photos mashing up the two programs, calling the erroneous subtitles a happy glitch in the Netflix system. Others think the images are completely photoshopped, and the deepest conspiracy theorists think Netflix administrators made it happen themselves, as a promotion, since Ansari is something of a Netflix commodity.
But no matter how, no matter why—it happened. These animals gave hot takes on life, love, and sex as a 30-something in America. Here are some of the funniest of the bunch. Check out Imgur to see the full collection.
Kourtney Kardashian revealed via Snapchat on Tuesday that her doctor has prescribed her a “love potion.” The type of doctor, contents of the potion, and its actual effects all remain a mystery. It sounds like a placebo to help her get out of her own head:
So my doctor told me that I subconsciously think that I don’t deserve love. So he gave me these, water… what is it? Blessings?
A video posted by Kourtney's Snapchat (@kourtneysnapchat) on
She puts 32 drops in her water throughout the day, but admitted she's not sure "if it opens my heart or what the hell it does.” It's not clear how seriously she takes it, because she can't make it through the description without laughing:
Being a doctor for the Kardashians has its perks, like selling them magic beans. Kourtney is laughing along and having fun with it, probably because she knows she could market it and make millions from people that would buy it.
Here's a moment where a "beauty expert" should have left well enough alone. In a segment for the TODAY Show, Deepica Mutyala took a model's beautiful hair and essentially just pulled at it, attempted to make a ponytail, and then took a stab at forced bangs. The result? Cringe-worthy hilarity.
Facebook user Joeline Payton caught the segment and wondered why?
Fail #1: Forced side pony-tail.
Fail #2: Forced "straightened" bangs.
Seriously, why mess with perfection? Look at the before pic.
Facebook users responded with a necessary dose of WTF?!
Whether you believe Kanye is responsible or not, it's a fact that Taylor Swift is famous. So famous that she can't even go to the gym without a swarm of paparazzi waiting outside, probably to ask her about that (still ongoing) feud with Kim and Kanye.
Luckily, this is not T-Swift's first rodeo. As you can see in this video, filmed by one of the very paps Taylor is trying to avoid, she has perfected the art of crab walking away from the cameras.
Whatever you think about Taylor, you have to admire her ballerina-esque grace and agility when it comes to sidestepping out of the line of fire. She's much smoother at avoiding the paps than her ex-bf Calvin Harris (Pro-tip: always close the car door when speeding away). In fact, she's so good at crab walking you can almost forget for a second she's not a crab at all, but a sneaky snake.
Invented by Song Youzhou with the TED Technology Development Company, the bus runs on rails and can hold 1,200 passengers. Each bus costs roughly $4.5 million, which Song puts at one-sixteenth the price of a subway train. The busses can only run on streets with passenger vehicles and is currently being tested or in construction in five pilot cities in China: Nanyang, Qinhuangdao, Shenyang, Tianjin, and Zhoukou.
Wang Peng, the director of the Shenyang chamber of commerce, told the New York Times of the pilot program:
The elevated bus merges existing, mature technology found in railroads, subways and buses... he only question is now how it will interact with other traffic once implemented.
Interact with other traffic? Don't you mean get around people gawking at it on street corners?
This is some Disney monorail sh*t, just more robot looking.
The only question is: when it comes to America, how will your grandpa react to a massive bus driving over his 1992 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera?
"Can't find a more perfect squeeze!" Dr. Pimple Popper gushes in this video, and yes, when we say "gushes," a pun is intended. The squeezable lump in question is an epidermoid cyst, and, according to the caption on the video, "the pasty contents are mostly composed of macerated keratin (wet skin cells), which creates this 'cheesy' consistency, and there can be a pungent odor." Mmm, cheese.
It's almost impossible to get a person naked without finding some ink. Tattoos used to be counter-culture, but now they're so common that when I tell people I don't have any, I'm usually asked, "Why not?"
Beyond making me easily identifiable if I were ever to commit a crime, getting a tattoo is an invitation for strangers to come up to me and ask me to explain it. And that seems really annoying. This week I went out and asked five random people to explain theirs.
1. Chris Rapoza, 33, Bartender
"We have money, lets go get tattoos."
I found Chris sitting outside Pearls, a bar in Bushwick. He's spent about $1K on tattoos.
How old were you when you got your first tattoo?
"I was 15, got it in Fort Collins, Colorado 20 years ago and it was cheap as shit. $50 or $60 after tip. It was part of this one., the praying hands. This one I added on to it, the volleyball."
So your praying hands are playing volleyball?
"They are now."
"It looks like they're just setting the ball."
Why did you get that first one?
"It was much easier to convince my pastor parents to get a tattoo if it had some religious symbolism to it. So I went with that. I left the church pretty shortly after. And then somebody had a funny idea, like, you should just put a volley ball there. It's like, that's hilarious."
So you got it because of your parents, but you just wanted a tattoo?
"I just wanted a tattoo, I was a stupid kid. I got this one shortly after, which is a star band around my arm, which is a very good argument as to why they shouldn't let teenagers get tattoos."
Do you regret either of those?
"I don't regret them. I just wish I'd had better taste as a younger man."
But isn't that the whole thing about tattoos? Taste does change, but the ink doesn't.
"Yeah that's true, but I haven't made much better decisions as I've gotten older."
2. Elise, 29, Catering/Musician
"I play guitar, bass, drums, and piano."
Elise has four tattoos, but they're all a bit hidden so she "wouldn't have to look at them all the time." She has spent about $500 in total on her ink.
I noticed the musical notes on the back of your arm, and you said that's a bad story. What's the bad story?
"Yeah, that one my friend just called me and said, 'hey let's go get tattoos,' and we just went like an hour later."
At what point did you figure out that that's what you were going to get?
"For that one, about 20 minutes before we went in. We decided we were going to do it, so we went to this bar around the corner and had a beer and talked about it. I didn't get my first even until like a couple months before that, and that one I thought about for nine years. I still am surprised I did it. I don't regret it, I like them a lot but its not very like me to just spontaneously get something like that."
Elise has three other tattoos, a symbol from a Manga series, an image from the cover of her favorite book, and Elliot Smith lyrics on her rib cage.
3. David, 25, "I work"
David did not want to be photographed.
David agreed to be interviewed, but did not want his face or his tattoos shown. Before we began, he asked that we use a fake name.
What's your fake name?
"David, David."
David? That's your fake name?
"That's my real name."
No, what's the fake name you want to use?
"I want to use that name, David."
You want to use David as your fake name?
"Yeah."
Got it.Ok, so tell me about your tattoos? Why did you get them?
"I like the pain. I like that pain. I like pain, yeah."
What about this one on your hand?
"Money over everything."
What do you do for a living?
"I work."
4. "Brittany", 24, Advertising
"She's more of the, like, wiser one, she was more of the sun. And I was like the moon, the one who's more of the outgoing party one."
Brittany asked that I use a fake name. She is still healing from a tattoo of a lotus flower she got on her foot this week.
Why did you get this tattoo?
"I really wanted a lotus flower because of what the lotus flower represents, it's supposed to mean a beautiful flower growing out of muddy waters coming out of hard times. And I feel like I went through a lot in the past year and a half. So it was a perfect time to get it. And then I fell in love with the mandala flowers, which are supposed to represent wholeness, so I just thought it was a good mesh of things, kinda of like being whole and getting out of this hard time in my life."
"They kinda represent wholeness."
What happened in the last year and a half?
I got out of a crazy relationship with an ex-boyfriend, and I think it was also a lot of, I graduated college two years go and just living by myself and trying to live in the city and just get through everything.
Do you feel like you have emerged?
"Yeah, I feel like things are going really great in my life right now, and that's why I thought it was the perfect time to get it because I'm really happy with the way everything is right now."
Brittany has three tattoos, including a sun-and-moon tattoo she and her best friend got behind their ears, and a John Lennon quote "life is what happens when you're making other plans."
Pete, 40's, Owner of Do Or Die Tattoo
"Interesting people do boring things, and boring people do interesting things. And what I mean by that, is patience and discipline."
Pete has been a tattooist in New York since before it was legal in the 90's. He was one of the original founders of Occupy Wall Street, and says that that movement was more artistic than any of the tattoos he's done or received. Pete began talking before I could ask him any questions.
"The way I view it, there's a psychological component to getting tattoos that a lot of people dismiss or don't pay enough attention to. If you look at all the images and stuff that are in what I call the standard cannon of designs, they're pretty much about everything that happens in life: love, death, broken hearts, disappointment, wanting money... there's all these things. Even the people who I think get it for the worst reasons, they want to look cool, they still want to look like they fit in. They're in denial of their psychology."
Are you completely covered in tattoos?
"Neck down."
Was that your first one?
"The first tattoo I ever got I did on myself. On my foot, just a couple of lines with a thread and needle."
When was that?
"When I was 12."
How do you pick your artists?
"I worked with just about everybody who has tattooed me."
So you work with them and then you let them? Or you choose them?
"Or I'm forced to be."
What do you mean forced to be?
"I've been forced by a couple of people to get tattooed."
What happened?
"They're like, you're going to be put down now."
What?
"They're like, 'oh, we're gonna put you down now.'"
What do you mean?
"Put me down with the crew."
So this is like, a gang thing?
"Mmm, I wouldn't call it a gang. I would just call it a group of people. I mean, I got some gang tattoos too, but that's from a long time ago."
So who tattooed you against your will?
"Not against my will. They were friends of mine just like, 'you're getting it now.'"
Can I see that tattoos you were forced to get?
(Shakes his head no)
Will you describe them?
(Shakes his head no again)
How come?
"'Cause they're very offensive."
Offensive to who?
"Probably everyone."
Are they offensive to you?
"They are."
Does it bother you to see those?
"No. Not everything I dislike is necessarily bad. Not everything I like is necessarily good."
Are there tattoos you want to get but you can't now?
"I still got small spots, if I wanted to get something I could probably get something, but I'm kinda over getting tattooed."
You are? Why?
"Shit hurts."
"My whole style is called intentionally. Everything is by design. If its not intentional, its not as valid as you'd like to think it is. If you didn't mean to do that, I'm-a tear you apart."
These days, the Internet is all about buns (as in butts) and buns (as in shaping your hair like the baked good). The latest style worn by both celebrities and normals is the pigtail buns, a throwback to the glory days of Baby Spice.
Being a maid is a thankless job—especially at hotels and motels, where guests tend to let loose with their most base instincts (and bodily fluids). But somebody has to clean it up, and clean it out. These heroic housekeepers did, and then they talked about in on Reddit.
Ex maid for a super 8 in a shitty town in rural Nevada. I found all kinds of weird stuff but the thing that takes the cake was the entire toenail of someone's big toe. Found it in the bathtub. I almost vomited.
2. Did you know that fingernails are made of the same material as hair? Both are disgusting to Fastrixer.
Side table drawer full of nail clippings. Like they were saving them :-/
3. Okay, pseudonomius_maximus, but Three Cheese, Garden Vegetable, Hearty Italian, what are we talkin' here?
A drawer full of spaghetti sauce. Not in a container. Just there. it was gross.
4. r4tgrl found the one frozen treat worse than a banana-flavored popsicle.
My grandma used to clean hotel rooms and I used to go with her because its a laid back job and nobody else could watch me. My grandma was cleaning and I was sitting on the counter playing my DS. I wanted to get a drink so checked to see if there was ice in the freezer. There was no ice, but there was a popsicle box! I got so excited. I ran into the bathroom and asked my grandmother if I could have a popsicle. Assuming they were in plastic wrap, she said yes. I ran back to the freezer and reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a long, purple dildo covered in shit. Human feces. I was 7.
5. This story from the_lock only begins with the discovery of multiple severed heads.
We had a lady who cleaned hotels tell us about the time she walked in and there were 10 severed heads in the bathtub with the hotel water running. Immediately left the room and had the manager call the police. Tons of police come to investigate with multiple guys with ear pieces in place. The gentlemen who's room it was came back and was immediately taken down. Turns out he was in charge of an ENT cadaver lab being held the next AM and needed to thaw the specimens. Tough to explain but it got sorted out once the heads were all accounted for.
Worked front desk at a hotel in Anchorage. I get a call for some towels and decided to run them up myself. When they opened the door I immediately got a face full of the most disgustingly fishy smell. Right inside the door they had pulled a nightstand out and 4 ladies were gutting a seal with an ulu. Can't imagine how pissed the housekeeping staff was about that. I about gagged from the smell of it, and from the looks of it they weren't trying very hard to keep the guts and juices from getting everywhere.
7. This is the story of how noblebarnes got a leg up.
Oh, and this one time I found a prosthetic leg in an armoire that a guest had left behind. New meaning to the thought 'I feel like I'm forgetting something...'
8. It's a total bummer they were empty because f_face could've made a huge coconut cream pie.
i was helping the housekeeper here at the inn where i work and we discovered a drawer and a ceramic vase full of empty whipit canisters. like 300 of them. it was hilarious.
9. It could've only been worse if Ecaftnucotoh found more than one.
A single neon orange turd on the bedside table.
10. And probablydot thinks it was Colonel Mustard who did it.
Condom in the coffee maker.
11. This story from SketchyConcierge is like it's from a porn version of The Flintstones."It's a living!"
I did walk in on a guy fucking an inflatable dinosaur pool toy by holding its legs together and thrusting through them.
12. If you wanted 121019939 to tell the creepiest story of all time, all you had to do was axe.
A single guy rented a room once for one night (checked in at 11pm and checked out real early the next morning). Went to clean his room and nothing was touched at all. The bed was still made even. Except, there was an ax underneath the pillows.
Worked at a Marriott when I was 16 for like a month. Weirdest thing I found was a single glittery Michael Jackson style glove amongst the messed up bed sheets which came sprinkled generously with semen.
14. The difficulties of this line of work for CocoaMotive are only skin deep.
Walked into a room that an old couple had been staying in. The floors were hardwood, and it looked like a box of soap flakes or talcum powder had been dropped on the floor, it was absolutely covered in them. Only when I got down on my knees to inspect it, did I realize it was skin....
15. Looks like shacklife can cross off everybody on the ol' Christmas shopping list.
2 gallons of vegetable oil, 2 pair of black rubber electrician's gauntlets a Hello Kitty babydoll nightgown and a butt plug the size of a desk lamp.
Someone put soup mix in the electric kettle. The kind of kettle you can't open up (you pour water in through the spout). This kettle was just caked with soup mix that stayed behind when they poured out the liquid. How did they not realize this would be a problem?
17. WaterWitchOfTheNorth had to clean up after a night of debauchery by the Brawny guy.
I worked as a house keeper in a small motel for maybe 2 months. One day we had to clean a room covered completely in paper towels. Everything was covered. The bed, the chairs, the floor. Not horrific, but weird.
I had a summer job cleaning hotel rooms. One day a coworker told me she walked into her first room that day and the first thing she saw, neatly arranged on the desk, were 3 dildos, a note saying “please wash :)” and a 20 crown note (about $2). She didn't.
We've seen plenty of plastic surgery nightmares, but these people had plastic surgery surgery dreams—and they made them come true. To haters they may look like a bunch of freaks, but that's just how they like it. Here are five people who went to extremes to stop looking like a person. (You can't really blame them, people are kind of the worst.)
Be right back, going to find a doctor who will turn me into a Shih Tzu.
1. Cat Lady
Patient zero for Cat Scratch Fever
Jocelyn Wildenstein became known as Catwoman after subjecting her face to millions of dollars' worth of plastic surgery to look like an exotic wildcat. The feline modification was supposed to please her billionaire husband who loved big cats, but it backfired and he divorced her in 1997. Despite what you'd think, Wildenstein is reported to think her look is purrr-fect. Meow.
2. Leopard Man
Better than wearing a fur coat.
Tom Leppard (born Tom Woodbridge) was an ex-British soldier who spent over $7,000 trying to look like a leopard. Before passing away at age 82, Leppard held the Guinness World Records for most tattooed man and most tattooed senior citizen. He had 99.9% of his body tattooed in yellow with black spots. It looks like his tattoo artist left no stone (or ball) unturned.
Valeria Lukyanova is a Barbie girl living in a Barbie world. The Ukranian woman has become marginally famous for making herself look like the plastic blonde bombshell. Lukyanova says one of the biggest misconceptions about her is that she's had a bunch of plastic surgeries to look like a doll. She might not know what the word misconception means, but she's very happy looking like an inanimate object.
A photo posted by Irish Examiner (@irish_examiner) on
Erik Sprague, a.k.a. The Lizard Man, spent over 700 hours getting green scales tattooed all over his body. To complete his lizard look, he got a surgically bifurcated tongue, filed teeth, and sub-dermal implants in his eyebrows. “There’s no real easy way to explain why I did it,” he says. “I can simply say because I wanted to, but I understand why that’s difficult for people because it’s hard for them to grasp doing something like this. But I say, if it doesn’t hurt anyone else then just respect the choice.”
5. Parrot Man
Is he a coo-coo bird?
In 2016, Ted Richards legally changed his name to Ted Parrotman, and it's the most logical thing he's done in a while. He's had both of his ears removed, his face and head tattooed with feathers, his tongue split in half, his eyeballs tattooed, and over one hundred piercings applied, all to try and look just like one of his beloved parrots. Parrotman told The Telegraph,"I think it looks really great. I love it. It's the best thing that has happened to me," and "I am so happy it's unreal, I can't stop looking in the mirror."
Last week, the internet's favorite dad was Vice Presidential candidate Tim Kaine, charming the world with his Donald Trump impression and reaction to balloons. This week, the honor goes to dad of a Twitter user named Taylor (@tmackisey), whose online shopping mistake turned her dad into a celebrity.
i bought a phone case online but didnt realize it was for a 6 plus so i gave it to my dad he loves it pic.twitter.com/nbJdvKoOLo
Sarah Jessica Parker recently told Marie Claire that despite believing in all of the exact same things feminism stands for, she is not a feminist. This expands on the interview she gave to Cosmopolitan in August of last year, where she confessed that she identifies as a humanist, not a feminist.
Okay, girl.
Here is the part of the Marie Claire interview that has people scratching their heads.
I am not a feminist. I don’t think I qualify. I believe in women and I believe in equality, but I think there is so much that needs to be done that I don’t even want to separate it anymore. I’m so tired of separation. I just want people to be treated equally.
She goes on to add:
I would like all of that nonsense to end. I would like women to get paid for the value of their contributions, not by old-fashioned ideas about gender.
Well this is confusing, because the things she says she believes in seem to be ripped directly from a feminist manifesto, and actually are more in line with feminism than than humanism.
Maybe SJP should be reminded that according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of feminism is "the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men," so basically all the things she mentioned above.
Meanwhile, the definition of humanism is, "a system of values and beliefs that is based on the idea that people are basically good and that problems can be solved using reason instead of religion."
And although humanism is all well and good, it does not address the socio-economic issues that feminism does and that Parker mentioned above.
But you do you.
Plus, you can be both at once if you want, these two ideologies are not mutually exclusive. Oh well. Stay tuned for next year when SJP surfaces again for her annual reminder that she's not a feminist.
Sometimes, things that aren't just smell good enough to eat—and toddlers will try. Lauren Rincon's young niece couldn't help but reach for the makeup palette that's meant accentuate one's eyeballs, but ended up smelling too convincingly like chocolate.
MY NIECE ATE MY TOO FACED CHOCOLATE BAR PALLETTE BC IT SMELLS LIKE CHOCOLATE I DONT KNOW IF I SHOULD CRY OR LAUGH pic.twitter.com/nRAWHOcjjE
On August 4, a man named Gary Cocker tweeted at train company TransPennine Express about a male passenger sitting across from him, wearing stockings and a dress.
Evening @TPExpressTrains - 'Guy' on the seat opposite me is wearing stockings and a dress - what is that all about ?? 😳
The undercover superhero in charge of TransPennine Express' Twitter account then returned to tweeting updates about train schedules and general info about their services, but presumably remains ready to change back into Twitter hero if the need should arise again.
Another week of the longest election in history is over, and the 2016 Summer Olympics are about to begin. In the meantime, enjoy jokes about bongs, the Predator, spambots and more, in the top 39 tweets of the week!
1.
Donald Trump asking about nuclear weapons is the biggest red flag since Voldemort asked about Horcruxes as a teenager at Hogwarts.
On August 4, Toronto police operations sent out a tweet about a man seen with a gun at the intersection of Grange and Augusta Avenues, as a heads up to anyone in the area. That's completely standard.
PERSON W A GUN Grange Ave and Augusta Ave, man seen w a gun, no injuries, police on scene searching #1366882 ^cb
What wasn't standard was what the man with the gun turned out to be, which was a statue of Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator. He did say he'd be back, right?
UPDATE - PERSON W A GUN Grange Ave and Augusta Ave police on scene have located a Terminator cutout holding a gun. #IllBeBack #1366882 ^cb
This isn't the first time a prop with a gun has scared someone into calling the police: fake Duane "The Rock" Johnson caused a similar reaction in a man whose roommate pranked him with a cardboard cutout.
It can't hurt to be too safe, right? It also can't hurt to extend kudos to the brave men and women in uniforms who take down these movie props before they can go all sequel on us.
