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Article 112


The 26 funniest reactions to Day 7 of the Olympics.

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Fish-man Michael Phelps won a record 27th medal today, but lost the gold to Singapore's first ever gold medalist, Joseph Schooling. Katie Ledecky won again. Maya Dirado won her second gold in her last competition before retirement! In basketball, US Men survived a squeaker with Serbia. And US Women were eliminated in soccer, prompting a Hope Solo rant. These are the 26 funniest reactions to Day 7:

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This swole lizard does pushups to get girls, so we really aren't much different from animals after all.

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There have been a lot of comparisons between the animal kingdom and human dating, but this video is proof that we really do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel. In this video from The Smithsonian Channel, we see a type of lizard called the flying dragon (Draco volans), a smaller species that really overcompensates when it wants to get laid, sort of like every dude you meet in a bar. Warning: lizard porn ahead.

These things are totally the the gym bruhs of the animal kingdom, erupting into a sudden display of pushups as soon as they see a girl they like. Give them a tribal arm tattoo, a sleeveless pinnie, and a lizard-sized protein shake, and they will be the even scalier version of the creeps who hit on you while you're working out.

Birthday

17 tweets from Leslie Jones about the Olympics that are pure, unadulterated joy.

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If you've been following Leslie Jones over the past week, you know the star of Ghostbusters and our hearts is more excited about the 2016 Olympics than most of have ever been about anything, with a few exceptions (the birth of a family member, the all-female Ghostbusters, a breakfast buffet). Her tweets were such pure gold that she got flown to Rio yesterday to cover the events from there, so we're all about to see a lot more Leslie. Something else to be excited about! Especially when she briefly quit Twitter last month thanks to a bunch of racist trolls. But she's BACK, and more Leslie than ever.

Here are 17 tweets from Leslie about the Olympics that will remind you of the happiest, most exciting moments of life:

1. When you're getting ready for spring break.

2. When you're at your kid's little league game.

3. When you just got your American citizenship.

4. When you're a dad learning about technology.

5. When you're confused about a new fashion trend.

6. When you're not afraid to ask the hard questions.

7. When you just smoked that good, good weed.

8. When you know your kid is the best.

9. When you're excited but also terrified.

10. When you're at the club and DMX comes on.

11. When you're just learning about the male anatomy.

12. When you're giving your girlfriend a pep talk.

13. WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO RIO, BABY.

14. When you just got some new swag.

15. When you snap a selfie with your BFFs.

16. When you just met Matthew McConaughey.

17. When you get in bed after a day of slaying.

Stay slaying, @Lesdoggg! You're like human Zoloft and we need you now more than ever.

Someone leaked video of Johnny Depp behaving very aggressively toward Amber Heard.

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This isn't good. In a video leaked to TMZ, an apparently drunk Johnny Depp slams furniture, throws a wine glass, and behaves aggressively toward wife Amber Heard after he sees that she is recording their conversation. Note that the video is apparently shot in the morning and Depp already appears inebriated.

Writes TMZ:

Sources connected with Johnny tell TMZ ... the video is "heavily edited" and there are portions where Amber is seen smiling and egging him on. The sources add the video was a complete set up by Amber.

The video is shot in a single take, so it's unclear where these supposed edits come in. At this point, you can either choose to believe Heard's claims of abuse at Depp's hands, or Depp's claims that Heard is basically Gone Girl-ing him. Which seems more likely to you?

The video, which apparently was shot months ago, is likely not admissible in court because it was recorded without Depp's consent. Heard has been seeking divorce from Depp, alleging domestic abuse, since May.

Usain Bolt won the 100m race with a casual jog. Really.

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Usain Bolt, the Jamaican runner who hasn't lost an Olympic race since 2008, just won his first race of the games, the first round of the 100 meter heats, in 10.07. And he did it so casually that, to observers, it resembled more of a jog than a sprint.

Here are some of the best reactions to the fastest man in the world:

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This video is so heartwarming it may even make you forget that life sucks.


R.I.P. Kenny Baker, the actor inside of R2-D2.

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Kenny Baker, the actor behind Star Wars' R2-D2 who also starred in films like Time Bandits and Flash Gordon, is dead, his niece confirmed Saturday. Baker—whose age is variously being reported as 81, 82, and 83—played the spunky R2 in the original Star Wars trilogy and the prequel films.

The 3 foot, 8 inch actor had apparently been ill for some time, and didn't appear in Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

"It was expected, but it’s sad nonetheless," said his niece, Abigail Shield said. "He had a very long and fulfilled life. He brought lots of happiness to people and we’ll be celebrating the fact that he was well loved throughout the world. We’re all very proud of what he achieved in his lifetime."

It's so hot in New York City that cockroaches may fly.

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If, when you hear the words "New York City," you tend to think "apocalyptic cesspool" instead of "greatest city in the world," congrats: cockroaches are proving you right, because they're maybe about to start flying around the city because that's what they do when it's this hot and humid.

“In hot steam tunnels, something with the temperature and the humidity encourages them to fly,” said Ken Schumann, an entomologist at Bell Environmental Services, to the website DNAinfo.“When it's warm and steamy that seems to be what they like."

If only warm steamy humans could take the same approach and flap our wings all the way to Alaska.

Flirting

The 25 funniest reactions to Day 8 of the Olympics.

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Michael Phelps said goodbye by leading the US relay team to victory, winning his 23rd gold medal! British 10k champion Mo Farah defended his crown despite a brief slip and fall, Jamaica's Elaine Thompson won the 100 meter dash, and American Jeff Henderson won gold in long jump. Comments and quips abound in the 25 funniest reactions to Day 8:

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Article 100

A bunch of nobodies got together to speculate on which celebrities suck at sex. Let's join in.

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It's not totally uncommon for us lowly non-famous folk to fantasize about a romp with our favorite celebs, but no one ever really stops to think about all those celebrities who might be horrible in the sack. After all, if they are so good at whatever they do, it just wouldn't be fair that they'd be awesome in bed too, right? Well that is what a bunch of Redditors theorized on a thread entitled, "Which celebrities do you suspect might be bad in bed?" People are really going off nothing but their gut reactions here, but some of them feel pretty strongly about it.

1. ChasandDave16 was given a sign in a dream that Hugh Grant is bad in bed.

I once had a dream where I went to unzip Hugh Grant's trousers and instead of a penis he had a strawberry. Hope this helps.

2. killinjoke96 feels like Oscar-winner Leo DiCaprio's performance would leave much to be desired.

I read somewhere that surprisingly Leonardo DiCaprio is awful in bed, apparently a few models who bedded him have said he's incredibly ignorant during sex and drifts off regularly.

Personally I think he gets it that much, he literally just doesn't give a fuck anymore.

3. ​SpaceCowboy58 was not the only person to bring up Taylor Swift in this thread.

There has to be some reason why Taylor Swift has gone through so many breakups.

4. If anyone has ever watched Guy Fieri eat on TV, they would probably agree with VargasIsMissing.

Saying he wants to take you to "Flavortown" doesn't have quite the same ring to it when he's implying he wants a rimjob.

5. ​feverishh thinks Carey's diva attitude would be a turn-off, though there are probably plenty of people who would be into that sort of thing.

Mariah Carey. With her self proclaimed diva status I seriously doubt the experience would be fun at all.

6. ​capthowdy0000 thinks being in Megyn Kelly's "wherever" would be no fun.

Megyn Kelly. She's cute but seems like the type to ask you "are you finished?"

7. ​UnoriginalScourge thinks Drake is compensating. A rapper compensating? No wayyyyy.

Drake. If you have to make a whole song about how good you are, you're probably compensating.

8. ​Stockholm-Syndrom says something that I personally believe is totally untrue.

The Queen of England doesn't look very kinky.

9. ​bleachviolet thinks Lana Del Rey would be as mellow in bed as her music.

Lana Del Rey.

I love her and her music but I can't help but think she just lays there looking pretty.

10. ​Notmymonkeynotmyprob thinks Emeril Lagasse would have less spice in bed than he does in his food.

Emeril Lagasse

Every time he's about to finish he yells BAM!

11. ​Nirvosh thinks Kanye would be as selfish in the sack as he is in life.

Kayne west As we all know he will never let you finish

12. ​Pineappleexpress98 knows Michael Cera would suck at sex, because he has seen it many times before.

Michael Cera would cum really early and then spend the rest of the night appologizing. Infact, I think thats a scene in one of his movies but I can't remember which one.

13. ​Pr0ducer knows Trump is a huge dick, but not in the way that would make him desirable.

I can't believe I'm 20 posts in and not seen a single mention of Donald Trump. Donald Fucking Trump is certainly bad in bed, but certainly thinks he's the greatest, all the while his smokin' hot 24-years-his-junior wife is wondering when he'll finally kick the bucket and set her free.

14. Chastain86 thinks sleeping with Kat Dennings would be a lot like an episode of Two Broke Girls. Anyone who has sat through an episode of Two Broke Girls knows that's not a compliment.

I choose to believe the sex would be like an episode of Two Broke Girls. Short, disappointing, and with a constant fucking laugh-track in the background.

5 Olympic athletes who predicted their success when they were kids.

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Being driven to succeed from an early age is one thing—predicting the future is another. Sure, to get to the Olympics is the goal, and athletes have got to start training very young to eventually become the world's best. But a number of athletes at this year's Summer Olympic games matched their hard work by telling the world a long time ago that they would definitely be showing up at an Olympics.

1. Michael Phelps.

It's amazing he survived to compete: there is no lifeguard present.

In 2001, Phelps sat down for an interview with a local news reporter in Maryland. He wasn't far removed from his trip to the 2000 Summer Olympics (where at age 15 he was the youngest swimmer to ever compete for the U.S.), but he failed to take home any medals. That would mark the last time Michael Phelps would go to an Olympics and not win all of the medals. In the clip, he states that his goals are two-fold and simple: to win a gold medal in Athens in 2004, and to compete in multiple events. Well, he won six gold medals across six events. He's now up to 22, but he's probably won a couple more while you were reading this.


2. Aly Reisman.

In 2003, two things were certain: Reisman's future success and the greatness of Outkast's "Hey Ya."

The captain of the American women's gymnastics squad has been one of the breakout stars of the Rio Olympics. She won a gold medal as part of the team and a silver in the individual all-around. None of this comes as much as a surprise to Reisman herself, apparently. Tech Insider editor Emily Cohn went to summer camp with Reisman back in 2003, when both of them were about 9 years old. She tweeted out a page from a camp yearbook where all the bunkmates predicted what they'd be doing in 20 years. Reisman said she'd be an Olympic gymnast. She was wrong—it only took eight years, because she competed in the 2012 Olympics, too.


3. Morolake Akinosun.

Sometimes the five-year plan really works.

In July 2011, 17-year-old Illinois high school track and field standout Morolake Akinosun tweeted this:

Well, it's been five years. Let's look at her progress. She is in fact now 22, because 17 + 5 = 22. She'll graduate from the University of Texas later this year. And she's down in Rio for the Olympics right now as part of the 4 x 100 meter relay squad as an alternate.


4. McKayla Maroney.

She's actually twitching her nose, Bewitched-style. She got this far through magic.

Cel Avalos went to grade school with gymnast McKayla Maroney, who was a silver medalist in the vault at the the 2012 Olympics. Her disappointed expression went viral during the Athens games. (She also won gold as part of team USA, which she did not smirk over.) Around the time of the last Olympics, Avalos tweeted out Maroney's picture from their elementary school yearbook. Maroney's "goal for the future" was "to be in the Olympics." Achievement unlocked!


5. Brittany Crew.

Despite her name, Crew does shot put. Not crew.

Being in the Olympics is something that Canadian shot putter Brittany Crew has been wishing for since she was eight years old. Well, not so much wishing for as actively planning. She was well on her way to the Olympics upon graduating from high school in 2012, and she wrote as much in her friends' and teachers' yearbooks. She told Metro News, "I wrote in a lot of my teachers' yearbooks 'save my picture, I'm going to be at the 2016 Olympics.'" Right now, she's in Rio, about to throw a heavy metal ball as far as she can for the Canadian track and field team.


This video will make you understand the future of genetic engineering and possibly ruin your day.

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Remember when scientists cloned Dolly the sheep back in 1996 and everyone was like, "Woah, this science stuff is officially getting out of hand." If you thought that was freaky, just wait until you see what is in the near future for genetic engineering.

While we were all busy watching Netflix and playing Pokemon Go!, scientists have been hard at work researching, studying, and developing CRISPR, which stands for "clustered regularly interspaced short palindromic repeats." Let this video by Kurzgesagt explain exactly what that means. And don't worry, it uses cartoons, so it won't even feel like you're learning.

Basically, CRISPR can be the key to solving many of our problems: eliminating diseases, extending humans lives by decades, and even letting humans change their genetic makeup to be stronger, healthier, and more attractive. It also might cause many problems, like if the science fell into the wrong hands and someone started using CRISPR to create an army of genetically modified superhumans. But that's a risk we're willing to take, right?

Whoa, was swimmer Ryan Lochte held up at gunpoint in Rio?

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Ryan Lochte's mother says her son and at least one of his teammates was held up at gunpoint while heading to a party in Rio last night, USA Today reported. But his coach is disputing the account. And who would dare damage a platinum silver hair on the gold medalist swimmer's head?

"I think they’re all shaken up. There were a few of them," Ileana Lochte said to USA Today. "No, they were just, they just took their wallets and basically that was it."

David Marsh, Lochte's personal coach, said that no one was held up but he's looking into exactly what happened. But an IOC spokesman said that nothing happened.

Whatever happened, Lochte seems to be okay. So basically the only thing to report at the moment is:

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

This witchcraft shop refuses to sell their handcrafted wands to Harry Potter fans.

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The British witchcraft shop Mystical Moments makes beautiful wood wands for "real" witches and wizards, but if you're just a nerdy Harry Potter fan, GTFO.

Richard Carter, who owns the shop, says he can spot a Harry Potter fan just by their aura, reports the Telegraph. "JK Rowling has obviously done her research but Harry Potter is for children," the grown man who makes wands said. "It has done nothing for business."

"I don't have customers who have been Harry Potterfied," he added. "If I had someone come in wanting a wand just because they liked Harry Potter I would not sell them one, not matter how much money they were offering."

Carter says the wands can be used to draw a protective circle around witches, to cure pains and sickness, and to make wishes come true. Potential wand owners need to visit the real-life Ollivanders in person, to better choose a wand that has, like, good vibes.

Crazy how Harry Potter fans are living in a fantasy world.

Man rescues a woman from a sinking car and then dives back in to save her dog.

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Here is a very good man. Maybe one of the few very good men. He rescues a woman from a submerged car in Baton Rouge, Louisiana—which is currently experiencing severe flooding—and then goes back to save her dog, at her insistent demands.

God bless this one rare good man. May he have very good sons.

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