Usain Bolt easily advanced to the 200 meter race finals while trading bemused grins with Andre De Grasse. Kerry Walsh Jennings and the US women's beach volleyball team salvaged a bronze a day after losing to Brazil. The US swept women's hurdles for the first time in Olympic history. And Brazilian authorities pulled US Olympic swimmers off their plane, raising questions about their story of being robbed—though Ryan Lochte escaped the dragnet. This and more, in the 27 funniest reactions to Day 12 of the Olympics!

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As much as we desperately yearn to grow and evolve as a culture, there will always be a few simpletons holding us back. Reddit asked its users to share evidence of this slow backslide into the dark ages by revealing the dumbest things they ever heard from people who were being completely serious.

Let us not mourn the brakes these 17 dolts have put on our advancement as a civilization, but rather celebrate them as evidence of how far the rest of us have come.

1. slicknick654 overheard someone who clearly doesn't care about his friend serving jail time

Overheard on the train between two friends: Hey I know how we can get money, you can record a movie in theaters with your cam, I'll report you for pirating, and we'll split the $500 reward...

2. aliciat knew a girl who really wouldn't be able to know if you were peeing on her leg.

3. PoonBaboon knows someone who needs to put the apology back in anthropology.

4. ohnyyhopkins should have responded "at least one."

5. Lose__Not__Loose has to pretend they don't know what animals are to keep their job.

6. Shiska0423 was hopefully just being tested on her math skills.

7. TheNewGuyAgain is clearly dating out of his league.

8. theBoyAnt knows someone who is doomed to repeat himself.

9. SirIan628 knows people who can't seem to understand anything in any language.

10. SeductivePillowcase struggled to explain the definition of "color."

11. akaispirit heard someone who almost understands how dates work.

12. adeisgaming is making excuses for an 8-year-old.

13. shinarashi overheard someone who might as well have asked why Jesus never took a selfie.

If dinosaurs are real why are there no pictures of them?

14.​ ioftheneedle knows someone who doesn't realize all the fun happens before you get to rehab.

15. afambelafonte gives us reason to think that maybe our children won't be the future.

16. lili_xx picked only one example of how dumb his brother's ex is.

17. And finally, coldethel, who got terrible advice on how to treat a burn (but seriously, you're supposed to run it under room temp water, not cold.)

A hilariously sad CNN appearance by Donald Trump advisor Michael Cohen shows just how mired the campaign is in fifth grade comebacks. As anchor Brianna Keilar leads into her question with the fact that Trump's currently trailing Hillary Clinton, Cohen responds with the cleverest of comebacks: "Says who?"

Watch the exchange, then read it again in all its cringeworthy glory:

Cohen: "Says who?"

Keilar:"Polls. Most of them. All of them?"

Cohen: "Says who?

Keilar: "Polls. I just told you, I answered your question."

Cohen: "Ok. Which polls?"

Keilar: "All of them."

Cohen: "Ok. And your question is?"

This strategy of speaking out for Trump by saying nothing is widespread in the campaign, with another Republican giving the silent treatment live on CNN.

Apparently saying nothing can be a better strategy than actually talking.

Donald Trump is exceptionally fond of nicknames, from Lil Marco and Lyin' Ted in the primary, to his general election pivot to Crooked Hillary. The master of schoolyard nicknames mixed things up on Thursday morning by actually giving himself a nickname, which is certainly not as clear in its connotation as was Low Energy Jeb.

What could this possibly mean? Is he showing off the fact that he's heard of that word? Is he trying to one-up George Washington?

While people have been comparing the U.K.'s decision to leave the EU with some of the sentiments behind Trump's appeal since June, it's not entirely clear what "Mr. Brexit" means to Trump.

Here are some of Twitter's best theories:

Looking at the facts, it's probably his most sensible nickname creation yet.

Many theorize it's to cement his place in history.

And others wonder if he's changing his name for the songs.

Only 81 days to go. This nightmare continues to make less and less sense.

On Wednesday, Amy Schumer responded to criticism about controversial comments made by a former writer for Inside Amy Schumer, and seemed to say that the show was ending. Comedian Kurt Metzger, Schumer's friend and one of the original writers for her show, had posted on Facebook this week about a case involving a comic accused of rape. Many thought Metzger's language was cruel toward rape victims and were disturbed by his past history of harassing women online, and they wanted to know how Schumer could justify keeping him on staff. (Metzger has since attempted to clarify his position on Facebook, saying he is merely disturbed by the social media witch hunt and thinks rape victims have a duty to go to police.)

After apparently blocking many people who were demanding answers on Twitter, Schumer eventually responded to the situation.

She followed that up by explaining that she hadn't fired Kurt, but "we aren't making the show anymore."

She also retweeted someone who said they'd miss the show.

It's unclear if the show, which was renewed in January for a fifth season to air in 2017, is simply done with production, if Schumer has quit, or if the show has been canceled. Comedy Central has not commented on the story.

While we wonder, Schumer has given fans something else to contemplate: kittens in bunk beds.

UPDATE 11:09 am:

In a series of tweets Thursday morning, Schumer clarified that the show will return for season five, just not anytime soon.

Michael Phelps ended his time at the Rio Olympics by winning the 28th medal of his career, shattering a 2,000-year-old record and becoming the most decorated Olympian of all time. Now that he's gotten that little accomplishment out of the way, he swears he's retiring from competitive swimming to embark on the next chapter of his life.

Much to my (and everyone's) delight, that next chapter includes being a dad to his adorable baby boy, Boomer. Boomer is only three months old, but Michael is already well on his way to becoming an endearingly embarrassing dad. Here are six Instagrams that prove it.

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Ah yes, the classic shirtless diaper pic. This is just the beginning of Boomer's collection of childhood photos your dad shows your prom date.

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Look how Michael looks at his son. He's beaming with pride. He's going to tell anyone who will listen about Boomer getting all A's on his report card or winning a chess tournament. This kid is in for a lifetime of dad-brags.

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Michael just figured out how to use the car seat, an important milestone for any parent. He has years of trying to put together swing sets and struggling to figure out how new toys work ahead of him. This is just the start.

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Boomer was born into a generation whose dads actually know what selfies are. Obviously, Michael adores him, so just think of all the "Son, let's take a selfie!" moments he'll have to participate in. UGH, DAD, STOP.

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Michael has already started documenting all the tiny moments of Boomer's life. He's definitely going to be the type of dad who brings a video camera to every single soccer game and band concert.

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Being on a sports team coached by your parent is a childhood rite of passage. You know Phelps could have the swim coach job if he wanted it (which, let's face it, he definitely will.)

See? Phelps is one proud papa. It's pretty adorable. You can't blame him for being a little embarrassing. He's a dad. It's his job.

A man in Dayton, Ohio is now facing charges of indecency after he was spotted having sex with the front grill of a van on a public street on Tuesday evening.

Michael Henson, 35, was spotted by a witness who said she saw him pull down his pants and then insert himself into the front grill of a red van parked on the side of the road, reports WDTN.com. He then passed out and she alerted the police.

By the time police arrived on the scene, Henson was awake and walking, according to the Dayton Daily News. Officers said he appeared to be intoxicated, which is not surprising, though it still does not entirely explain the whole van sex thing.

Officers contacted the owner of the van, who said he had no awareness of the incident or his van's involvement. Henson was booked on public indecency charges and taken to a local jail where he remained on $2,500 bond until his arraignment on Wednesday, according to the Dayton Daily News.

When you hear "man with a van," you probably think of a business not a sexual partnership. But in the acid trip that is 2016, everything is possible.

David Schwimmer, aka Ross on Friends, apparently struggled with his overnight fame after the sitcom became a smash hit in the early '90s. Which is just the most Ross thing to say ever.

The 49-year-old actor recently returned to a prominent TV role, playing the late Robert Kardashian Sr. (father of Kim, etc) in The People v. O.J. Simpson. In an interview on The Hollywood Reporter’s Awards Chatter podcast, he discussed how becoming a suddenly-famous person messed up his life back in the day.

“It was pretty jarring and it messed with my relationship to other people in a way that took years, I think, for me to kind of adjust to and become comfortable with,” he said.

Geller, I mean Schwimmer, said he used to be outgoing and an avid people watcher. But becoming a celebrity "made me want to hide under a baseball cap, not be seen," he said. "And I realized after a while that I was no longer watching people; I was trying to hide."

He also said that, because of the intimate nature of the show, viewers felt like they knew him as Ross. “In our show I'm the same guy for 10 years, you can rely on me to be a certain way and you know me—or you think you know me.”

Hahaha. That is soooo Ross!

On Sunday, four U.S. Olympic swimmers: Ryan Lochte, Jimmy Feigen, Jack Conger, and Gunnar Bentz, claimed to have been robbed at gunpoint in Rio by men posing as cops. However, the athletes' stories proved to be inconsistent and police can't find the taxi driver. Additionally, the men said they left the party at 4 a.m. and headed home, with the robbery happening along the way, but were seen on CCTV arriving back at the Olympic village at 7 a.m.—the drive would have taken 30 or 40 minutes at most.

Lochte told NBC News:

They pulled out their guns, they told the other swimmers to get down on the ground. They got down on the ground. I refused, I was like, "We didn't do anything wrong, so I'm not getting down on the ground." And then the guy pulled out his gun, he cocked it, put it to my forehead and he said, "Get down," and I put my hands up, I was like "whatever."

However, Lochte later changed his story, saying the gun hadn't been pointed at his head.

On August 17, Rio police told the Mirror that they found "little evidence" that the crime had actually taken place. A judge issued an order for the swimmers' passports to be seized, but when authorities arrived at the Olympic village they learned that the four men had already moved out. Lochte was back in the U.S. and they were at that time unable to locate Feigen (but he is still in Brazil), but Conger and Bentz had boarded a plane to leave Rio when they were pulled off for questioning. Their lawyers told BBC they won't be able to leave the country until they are interviewed by police.

Then on August 18, ABC broke the news that Lochte's whole story was fabricated, and supposedly there's video of him fighting with security at a gas station.

So basically: WHAT IS GOING ON?

NBA superstar Kevin Durant is Rio 2016's top-earning athlete, but five of the 14 highest-paid Olympians played alongside him on the court this summer. Luckily, the Olympics celebrate each country as its own team: Team USA, Team Japan, Team Brazil. That should give the richest athletes an excuse to mingle with some of their least-paid (often amateur), extended teammates—and pick up the check when they go to McDonald's.

1. Kevin Durant

KD made $56.2 million dollars between June 2015 and June 2016 because he's an incredible professional basketball player.

Cyrus Hostetler is more a professional web designer who also does javelin, and he says"the athletes are the very bottom of a [Olympic] trickle-down system, and there's just not much left for us." The most Hostetler's ever made through his Olympic career is around $3,000 a year.

Kevin, if you go out together, consider buying him a biscuit.

2. Rafael Nadal

The Spanish tennis player made $37.5 million in the past year. Plans for his bodily security make international news.

Meanwhile, his countrymen on the sailing team were robbed at gunpoint in Rio.

Nadal can afford to cheer them up with a treat, and that treat should be an ice bath of chocolate ice cream.

3. Neymar

You know that Brazilian diving team? The ones who broke up because one woman sexiled the other for a "sex marathon"?

The Brazilian soccer star could use some of his $37.5 million from last year to make that relationship work again.

Or get them a hotel room for future sexcapades.

4. Novak Djokovic

The Serbian tennis player made $55.8 million in the last year. And he doesn't even have to get near Rio's virus-laden water.

Unlike his countrymen, rowers Milos Vasic and Nenad Benik, who fell in the water "stunned and soaked" when their boat capsized.

Get them a steak, Djokovic. And expensive medical treatment.

5. Kei Nishikori

Japan's Kei Nishikori, ranked number seven in the world in tennis, made $33.5 million last year.

Meanwhile, Japanese vaulter Hiroki Ogita was largely unknown to the world until his penis very noticeably disqualified him from a pole vaulting competition.

Nishikori, please take this man somewhere quiet to eat his feelings.

6. Andy Murray

Scotsman Andy Murray's tennis prowess earned him $23 million in the year before the Olympics.

In contrast, Team GB felt compelled to turn away cleaning service after some team equipment disappeared.

Seems like Murray-sponsored room service is the only solution so Team GB can keep an eye on their stuff.

7. Serena Williams

The only woman on Forbes' list of the "highest-paid summer Olympic athletes," Williams made $28.9 million in a year, and her fellow American, boxer Nico Hernandez, has a side hustle as a lube technician. Please help him.

8. Usain Bolt

Bolt made $32.5 million in the year preceding the Olympics.

His cross-sport teammate Toni-Ann Williams is the first person to represent Jamaican gymnastics at the games. She's in college, so she can use some free food (plus, the NCAA's rules probably prohibit her from making too much money).

9. Michael Phelps

The aforementioned NCAA rules prohibit the Stanford-committed Katie Ledecky from making as much money as she's capable of this summer, and Michael Phelps has a net worth somewhere around $55 million.

But really, she'll make plenty going forward. We just wants these two human fish to be friends.

They should hang out and eat whatever fish eat.

Say what you will about Kylie Jenner's love life and ramen noodle recipes, but you have to admit that when it comes to fashion and beauty, the girl knows what she's doing. That's why it's not too surprising that one fashion blogger has decided to add a little bit of that Kylie sparkle to her life.

Jade McNamara, who runs the Limerick, Ireland-based fashion and lifestyle blog BigBrowsMessyHair, recently spent 6 days flawlessly recreating some of Jenner's best looks. Each day, McNamara posted side-by-side photos of herself and Jenner wearing each outfit to her Instagram. We have to say, she pretty much nailed it.

This is what it's like to walk in Kylie Jenner's shoes (literally).

Astrophysicist Katie Mack was a big fan of fellow physicist Brian Cox's takedown of Australian senator and climate change skeptic Malcolm Roberts on the Australian panel show Q&A. On August 15, she tweeted that he had "absolutely slamm[ed] down" Roberts, including by bringing onto the show with him two handy graphs of actual data about temperature changes and carbon dioxide emissions. But mere proof wasn't going to change Roberts' mind, as it has failed to sway so many people who believe that global warming is a myth.

As she tweeted her thoughts on the absurdity of people refusing to see facts, she of course got some replies from those very people, including one guy who told her she "should learn some actual SCIENCE."

But it's safe to say she probably learned a bit of "actual SCIENCE" when she got that ol' PhD in theoretical astrophysics.

The clip she's referring to in her tweet, by the way, can be seen here (and the longer version here). Watch Brian Cox get a PhD in composure and restraint when faced with obstinate truth-nonbeliever and actual Australian politician Malcolm Roberts.

Danell Leyva wasn't even supposed to compete on the U.S. men's gymnastics team in Rio, but he's walking away with two silver medals.

Leyva was originally listed as an alternate when the Olympic team was announced in late June. Unfortunately, John Orozco, a gymnast who had earned one of the five spots on the team, suffered an injury to his left knee in July and could no longer compete in Rio. Leyva was called upon to take his place.

Leyva definitely made the most of his second chance. At Tuesday's event finals, he won silver medals in both the parallel bars and the high bar. Pretty awesome for someone who, up until a month ago, didn't even think he'd be competing.

Leyva told NBC:

Things didn't happen the way I expected, and it was unfortunate the way I was named onto this team. But that's what this medal is for — to show that I deserved to be on that team just as much as John did. And this is for him just as much as it's for me.

We officially love him. Congrats, Danell!

God bless this woman who is auctioning her old wedding dress on eBay to help fund her divorce. The dress, which is going for over £65,000, is apparently in "great condition but needs dry cleaning before wearing to get rid of the stench of betrayal." Damn.

Says the scathing auction listing:

I'm selling this designer Art Deco wedding dress in ivory. Mainly selling as I need to pay for my divorce which my ex-husband has left me to foot the bill for! It's strapless, with a long lace train which can be hooked up for the evening do. It's a size 6 and I've had it altered so it will be perfect for someone who is 5ft or under with heels and is looking to save some money on a dress. There are tiny buttons down the back but these are for decoration as it fastens with a long zip, so quite easy to get into compared to some of the monstrosities of dresses I've seen.

As it reaches the floor, it is a little dirty around this area and so will need a dry clean before it's worn for your special day. I didn't have time to get it dry-cleaned myself before my cheating scumbag of a husband decided to call an end to our marriage. It cost my poor parents around £2000 brand new in 2014!

I'll also throw in my veil (yes, that's right - I went all out princess on the day!). Sorry that there are only two pictures but when I found out my husband was living with another woman, I pretty much burned/permanently deleted everything with his disgusting face on it!

If you want a dress that is full of bad memories and shattered hopes and dreams then this is the one for you! Hope this dress brings you a lot more happiness than it brought me in the end and if not...well you can always sell it on here!

If you've got any questions - either about the dress or the skank that my husband ran off with - then please feel free to contact me!

Hopefully she can use some of the profit she's making on this dress on a long vacation.

When an NYC-based hand-crafted jewelry company received a (probably very pricey) order from Ivanka Trump, they saw an opportunity to pay it forward.

Lady Grey Jewelry donated the money from Trump's order to three organizations her dad, Donald, is likely not a fan of: the American Immigration Council, the Everytown For Gun Safety organization, and finally, the Hillary Clinton campaign. Then they sent her a very courteous, cheerful letter to let her know, which they also posted on Instagram.

It reads:

Dear Ivanka, Thank you so much for your web order! We're happy to let you know that the proceeds of your sale have been generously donated to the American Immigration Council, the Everytown for Gun Safety organization, the Hillary Clinton campaign. We hope you enjoy your new Lady Grey #helixearcuff.

Best,

Jill + Sabine

Lady Grey

You have to give props to these ladies for throwing the most courteous shade in the history of shade. If you want some jewelry, check out Lady Grey. Especially you, Ivanka. The Hillary campaign could really use your family's cash right now.

On August 16, a woman named Nafisa Ahmed wrote a series of tweets summing up the difference between consensual sex and rape, using the concept of theft for comparison. Because a lot of men (and some women) still seem very confused.

Her analogy involves a hypothetical $5 bill.

Here's one possible answer to that question:

Ahmed's tweets are on point and have been retweeted thousands of times. And she got some help from her followers with a few other situations involving this hypothetical fiver.

Of course, this means she also had to deal with all sorts of ridiculous replies from people who believe that if a woman is too drunk to stop a hypothetical theft from happening, then they definitely deserve to have their $5 stolen.

Dealing with all the replies seems exhausting, but Ahmed stayed strong.

People will still disagree with her, or feign ignorance, or come up with other weird situations involving sex or a five dollar bill (or both), but that's what Twitter's pretty little "block" button is for.

Now everyone please send $5 to Nafisa Ahmed because she is doing God's work.