Sounds about right.
It's good to have Dave Chappelle back again. His recent late night appearances promoting his run of shows at Radio City remind us of all that we missed during his self-imposed respite from the public eye. This story about his first interaction with Kanye West sounds pretty in character for the Kanye we've all come to know and depend upon for such behavior, but it's all the more enjoyable when recounted in Chappelle's voice.
(by Bob Powers)
It happens constantly: you're commuting along on a crowded bus or train, and a seat finally opens up, with no pregnant ladies in sight. Nobody moves, the moment hangs, and you've got a judgment to make. But here are 30 reasons why you definitely deserve to pop that squat:
1. You're riding a long ways.
2. You're only getting off in a few stops, so it'll open up again quickly.
3. You're demonstrating to your fellow passengers the value of assertiveness.
4. You're the only one selfless enough to surrender it for someone who really needs it.
5. You've got a heavy bag.
6. You've got a fairly light bag, but the longer you hold it the more it's gonna stress your shoulder, and you told yourself you'd ease up on that shoulder.
7. You stood with a bag the last time you rode, so sitting without one evens that out.
8. You have a suitcase, and yeah, a suitcase can stand up on its own, but like, you have a suitcase, come on.
9. You're generally a model citizen.
10. You've got bad circulation, probably.
11. You've had a real rough day.
12. You've had a real easygoing day, and why not keep that primo mojo flowing?
13. You can't read standing up, and reading is unquestionably a noble form of self-betterment, even if it's A Feast For Crows.
14. You need to be able to jot thoughts in your notebook about the other passengers.
15. You need a good angle if you hope to excel at Tiny Wings.
16. You're drunk.
17. You're hungover.
18. You're neither, but hey, why not play pretend?
19. Your equilibrium is off, so you would be a danger to your fellow passenger standing up.
20. You're a very worthy individual.
21. You'll flat-out enjoy it more than some burnt-out working stiff.
22. You're not going to give money to the pandhandler making his way down the car so the least you can do is not obstruct his progress.
23. You're old.
24. You need to take it easy now so you'll be spry when you're older, like one of those fun old people who dance at weddings.
25. You let yourself be convinced not to take a cab, so you're still in a mindset of luxury.
26. You really need a transit nap, and the world needs more dreamers.
27. You owe it to your soul to treat yourself with care and comfort.
28. Other passengers may judge you for sitting down, in which case you've confronted them with their own judgmental nature, as Socrates would have.
29. You are a modern day Christ figure and it is more humble to sit.
30. You're just cuter sitting down.
(Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter)
(Originally published 6/13/13)
In fairness, she does look like a Layla. Clapton would have totally fallen for her.
Just in time for Father's Day, Reddit user Sartro showed his Dad photos of characters from Game of Thrones and asked him to try and name them. Honestly, when writing up our weekly Facebook recaps (plug!), a lot of these names are close to what would appear in the first draft. It's just too hard to remember, "Her name's Marjorie, but it's spelled in that really effed up way." And does Jaime Lannister look very Mexican to you? Us neither.
(Note: This was originally published last year, but yet another weekend confluence of Father's Day and GoT finale made it seem worth a rerun. After all, fatherly goofiness is timeless.)
We feel bad for whomever gets referred to as "unsexy hooker."
Raven and Hawk are their code names. They're CIA.
Nedder, if you're not into the whole brevity thing.
Nice job on Brienne. Maybe he should have asked for each character's lineage.
That's grandmother of boobs girl and gay boy to you.
All hail King of the Guys.
Stay out of my Shasta McNasty. (via FB)
Actor and stuntman Verne Troyer had some "TSA Troubles" this weekend, according to his Facebook page.
The look on Mini-Me's face is one of shock, and the agent is wearing gloves, but it doesn't appear as though the TSA went full-on New Mexican investigation on him. Whatever they were looking for, as one of the shortest men in the world, he couldn't have been hiding much.
(by Myka Fox)
Fair warning: There is a lot of human and canine squeaking in this video.
Duffy is a rescue dog with a lot of health problems. Owner Benjamin May writes on YouTube that Duffy has diabetes and developed blindness as a result. Once Duffy's diabetes was brought under control with the help of medication, Duffy's blindness could be reversed with surgery. This is Duffy post-surgery seeing May and his parents for the first time in a long time.
Now Duffy's facing a new health issue: his tail may come off from wagging so hard.
(by Shira Rachel Danan)
Aged like a fine batch of meth. (via KFSN)
64-year-old Robert Short was busted for making and selling meth in a retirement village this weekend and, before you get out your script-writing software, this guy doesn't have cancer. He's just your average elderly meth chef.
According to the report on KFSN, the Fresno man has been busted for meth sales before and was out on supervised release when cops stopped him for a normal traffic violation. They searched his car and found about four ounces of the stuff, almost enough to get some AZ teens high for a week. When they searched his apartment they found more meth, heroin, and meth-lab supplies. There goes the neighborhood.
Officer Lt. Joe Gomez admitted to the ingeniousness of Short's scam, "... a perfect place to do it, right? Retirement village, who would suspect it going on there?"
I dunno, maybe Short's parole officer or any of the old people who lived in his village and saw this meth-y sign on his door.
And stay off my lawn! (via KFSN)
Maybe 64 is a little long in the tooth for being a drug dealer but, considering he deals in meth, I say congrats for having any teeth at all.
(by Myka Fox)
1. Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin Are Now Apparently Consciously Un-Uncoupling
Just a few months after impressing the world with their enlightened and cosmopolitan decision to "consciously uncouple" from one another, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin appear to be in the process of re-fusing themselves back into the dinner-party-throwing power couple we've all come to love.
Gwyneth Paltrow says that mean words can hurt water's feelings, and in related news: run Chris Martin, run fast and don't ever look back
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) June 5, 2014
2. John Oliver Interviews Stephen Hawking About A Bunch Of Stuff That None Of Us Can Understand
To kick off Last Week Tonight's new "People Who Think Good" series, John Oliver interviewed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking. Though much of what Hawking has to say about "imaginary time" and "artificial intelligence" may fly over our heads, he delivers all his quips with an understated dryness that really shows off his comic timing.
When will people realize that Stephen Hawking is just a teen's remote-controlled prank that spiraled out of control?
— Erik Bergstrom (@Erik_Bergstrom) June 3, 2014
3. The World Finally Gets The 'Super Banana' It Needs, If Not The 'Super Banana' It Deserves
A team of Australian genetic engineers are in the process of developing a "super banana," capable of delivering large boosts of Vitamin A to its consumers, potentially saving hundreds of thousands of lives worldwide. It also should be able to contribute to the creation of some really phenomenal smoothies.
Why yes, that is a banana in my pocket. Almost forgot about that, thanks. My blood sugar always dips around this time in the afterno
— matt (@biorhythmist) June 11, 2014
4. Digital Company Forces Unpaid Interns Into Less-Awesome Version Of 'Hunger Games'
A Chicago-based digital media company has decided to stop dancing around the cutthroat reality of the job market and just start pitting applicants against one another in a Hunger Games-themed contest for employment survival. The red-clawed jobseeker who gets the most friends and family to follow the company on Twitter will win the right to be overworked for no pay for the entire summer. A dream come true!
Jesus's disciples were the first unpaid interns. There was no chance they'd ever get a lucrative Christing job.
— Frank Lesser (@sadmonsters) March 30, 2012
5. Deepak Chopra Offers $1 Million To Anyone Who Can Prove Something Or Other About Brains And Electricity
Tired of having his New Age interpretations of science criticized by skeptics just because they don't make any sense, spiritual guru Deepak Chopra has decided to issue a challenge to the naysayers of the world: Anybody who can explain consciousness—how "electricity going into the brain becomes the experience of a three dimensional world in space and time" —to Chopra's satisfaction gets a million dollars. However, if nobody can do it, it proves that Chopra was right about everything all the time forever.
Deepak Chopra has over 42 thousand tweets. We've been taking spiritual advice from someone with a crippling addiction to social media.
— Eric Ledgin (@iamledgin) December 7, 2013
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
Channel 4 captured the hardest hit of the night.
The 2014 Stanley Cup Finals were absolutely thrilling, from the first puck drop to the Kings fan in a mini skirt icing her face the hard way while learning a valuable lesson about wearing high heels on ice. And that is, don't.
The woman's reaction after the brutal fall was a reminder how tough the sport of hockey is. Even the female fans can shake off a hit to the face that would send most sports fans to the hospital.
Forget fans -- a professional soccer player would've been airlifted to trauma center after that hit. Even if she was hurt, she probably scooped up any missing teeth and stitched herself up with a sewing needle on her way to the club.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
(Getty)
5. LeBron James. The San Antonio Spurs defeated the Miami Heat in game 5 of the NBA Finals last night, in a game that was a blast to watch if you were a Spurs fan, extremely painful for Heat fans, and probably pretty boring for everyone else. At one point in the first quarter the Heat were up 16 points, and it seemed like Miami might have a chance to come back from their 3-1 deficit in the series. But the Spurs—a virtual World Cup tournament of a team—came back with a vengeance, trouncing the Heat with a final score of 104-87. Sadly for LeBron, one of the enduring images of the series will undoubtedly be this.
(via Facebook)
4. Whoever does PR for KFC. It's getting harder and harder to find a fast-food place where you can eat out of a bucket with a good conscience. Last week, employees at a KFC in Jackson, Mississippi allegedly asked this adorable three-year-old girl to leave because the scars on her face—from a recent pit bull attack that left her with severe injuries—were bothering other customers. You know who those scars were really bothering, other customers? The tiny little girl who suffered horrific violence after being attacked by three pit bulls. But don't let that interrupt your biscuit chomping. Naturally, the Internet leapt to little Victoria Wilcher's defense, and KFC was forced to apologize. They also pledged $30K to help with Victoria's medical bills. Now it's time for whoever does PR for pit bulls to apologize.
(Thinkstock)
3. People who want to have other people run their gun-buying errands for them. We've reached the point in the United States where buying a gun is treated with all the consequence of purchasing a new stick of Right Guard. Luckily, the Supreme Court has rushed to our rescue, by officially ruling that you can't buy guns for someone else unless you reveal they're for someone else. In other words, so-called "straw purchasers" won't be allowed to buy lots of guns from legitimate dealers and then sell them to other people; there has to be a paper trail when someone buys a gun. USA Today calls this ruling, which you probably already assumed was the law, a "rare blow" to the gun lobby, which is pretty depressing, but at least it's a step in the right direction.
(Getty)
2. Anyone who ever wore a thigh-high slit. Ladies, we've been outdone. We tried to be provocative, but we were total pansies about it. All we can do now is quietly applaud Kendall Jenner, who wore a dress so scandalously revealing that it almost distracts from how completely hideous it is. Jenner wore this pelvic-bone-exposing dress to the 2014 MuchMusic Video Awards yesterday. There is no way she is wearing underwear under that thing, guys. She might—might—have on some sort of vagina pasty, but most likely she just has the balls to go commando. Not literal balls, clearly. Or maybe it's glued to the front of her thighs? I am very interested in the engineering of this dress.
(Thinkstock)
1. People who have to feign an interest in soccer for the next month to cover for their day-drinking. The World Cup has officially begun, which means it's time to drag yourself out of the office and into a bar for a several-hour-long liquid lunch that you can totally blame on your love of soccer. The problem is, you're going to have to acquire some knowledge of soccer in order to effectively pretend to like it. And that may involve: googling "soccer," glancing at blog articles about the World Cup, and yes, in some cases, actually watching a game that's on in the background while you drown your sorrows. Good luck. Also, USA! USA!
(by Shira Rachel Danan)
So thoughtful... So terrifying...
You know that recent shooting incident? No, not the other shooting incident from a couple days ago. The one from just before that, but just after that other other shooting incident. Or, wait. Am I getting that confused with that other other other shooting incident? The one that happened around the same time as that shooting incident that everyone was too exhausted to really make a big deal about? I don't know. I get these things confused.
The point is that that shooting incident (whichever one it was) really got me thinking about how commonplace these shooting incidents are becoming. So, I wouldn't be surprised if this fake commercial—that UCB Comedy's Aaron Burdette wrote "while furious about our government's lax approach to gun control"—gets a lot less fake in the not-too-distant future.
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
Rolling a fatty. (via WFTV)
A florida man was... wait for it.... arrested (knew it) for drug possession. Christopher Mitchell AKA "Fat Boy" AKA "Biggie" was arrested Friday for riding around with weed stuffed between rolls of his stomach fat.
According to WFTV, Mitchell was riding with driver Keithian Roberts when deputies pulled them over because Mitchell was not wearing a seatbelt. Mitchell told the deputy he was too fat to wear one.
The deputy said he noticed Mitchell and Roberts were "acting nervous" but, suspicions of racism aside, the two guys were in fact up to illegal activity.
Drug sniffing dogs were brought in, and the jig was up. They found 23 grams of weed as well as some cocaine in Fat Boy's fat rolls. For reference, 23 grams is a little under an ounce of weed. Here's a reasonable visual approximation of what was hiding between the folds (found via Google image search for "Ounce Of Weed"):
New meaning to "sticky-icky."
The deputies also found a handgun in the console and more than $7,000 stuffed into a tube sock.
Both men are being charged with possession, while Mitchell is also being charged with one count of not wearing a seatbelt.
(by Myka Fox)
Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck (~2 hrs later), goose!
This video is apparently from China (or possibly Thailand), starring a mega-gaggle (megaggle?) of free-range ducks. So free-range that they're impeding on the free range of humans trying to use the road. Posted (and more successfully reposted) on reddit's r/WTF forum, some people have pointed out that this wouldn't be WTF if we lived in Thailand. To which I reply, "I don't live in Thailand, and seriously, WTF."
The video was originally posted to LiveLeak, but this YouTube version from Completely Believable Videos has been stabilized for your viewing pleasure.
(by Johnny McNulty)
A case where "Like" doesn't quite cut it.
This story about a 10-year-old girl saving her father's life with a Facebook post is so compelling that it sounds like something cooked up by a PR firm hired by Mark Zuckerberg.
Brianna Vance was inside her home in Pecks Mill, West Virginia during a violent thunderstorm, when a massive tree came down on the front porch where her father and two of his buddies had been sitting, probably saying things like "Hoo-boy, we're screwed if that big tree comes down on top of us and knocks out the phone lines."
Fortunately, when that very thing happened, quick-thinking Brianna grabbed her cell phone. The house had no land-line, and cell phone signals were down, but Brianna was able to get online and post a plea for help on Facebook.
"The lightning crashed and hit a tree by our porch and my dad’s almost dead. He needs an ambulance please. Please call one for us if you have a signal. We live in a yellow house, a trailer. Please. We need an ambulance. Please. Please."
Someone saw Brianna's post and called 911. When paramedics arrived they found her father with a broken collarbone and several broken ribs and rushed him to the hospital along with his two pals who were also crushed by the tree.
Brianna in the middle of Dad and his girlfriend.(via)
The good news it that all three men have been released from the hospital and will make a full recovery. The bad news is that, thanks to Brianna and this story, those of us who have been threatening to bail on Facebook for years now have one more thing to consider before closing our accounts. Especially those of us who enjoy watching violent storms on the front porch.
You've won this round, Mark Zuckerberg.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
Thank goodness he wasn't also carrying hot dogs.
It was a Father's Day miracle when this awesome dad caught a home run at a Giants-Rockies game. The catch was stellar, but even more impressive is that he made it one-handed while holding his baby in the other arm.
It was also kind of a waste.
After all, all babies think their dads are cool. But in about eight to twelve years, that kid is going to realize his dad is wearing dorky jeans and making lame puns, and he's not going to think his dad is cool ever again. So for future reference, dads, adolescence is the perfect age for a dad to make a one-handed catch at the ballpark, just to remind his kid that he's pretty chill.
(by Shira Rachel Danan)
