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11 beauty secrets that aren’t a secret because they’re on every damn beauty blog.

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Ever see a beauty "secret" on a blog and think, oh wait, I already know that and I'm barely more beautiful as a result? Us too! Here are some of the worst repeating offenders:

1. Warm your lash curler.

#γιόλο #yolo #lashcurler #mac #maccosmetics

A photo posted by Cophian صوفيا Armatidis Koundi (@arkoundaki) on

With a blow dryer or under warm water!

2. ...Or curl your lashes with a spoon!

Hint: your lashes never look good curled with something that isn't a lash curler.

3. Use white eyeliner near your tear ducts and on your water line to look more awake.

And make the whites of your eyes appear whiter. If you haven't found this one yet, have you ever even seen an issue of Cosmo?

4. Drink lots of water.

LOL. If it were that easy to make me beautiful I wouldn't be reading TheBeautyBean.com, would I?

5. Mix foundation and lotion together to make your own tinted moisturizer.

Yes, I too learned how paint works in elementary school.

6. Wear sunscreen every day.

FINE, Mom.

7. Use a silk pillowcase to avoid wrinkles and smooth hair.

And make your house look like a Trump palace in the process.

8. No matter how drunk you are, wash off your makeup before bed.

Hint: if you get really drunk, you can just cry your makeup off!

9. Exfoliate before applying self-tanner.

So it doesn't look like you have very weird freckles.

10. You can use corn starch as dry shampoo.

And have fun explaining why your hair is slightly grey all day. (Oh, and that white dust on your shoulders? NOT dandruff!)

11. The best thing you can do for your beauty is to smile!

Actually, the best thing you can do for your beauty is spend more time sleeping and less time reading beauty blogs. Why are your fashion magazines catcalling you?!!


7 facts about adult acne to make you feel less alone in your endless adolescence.

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If you had an awkward adolescence—which you probably did—you likely comforted yourself with the knowledge that one day it would end. In the gawky twilight of teenagehood, you probably thought, "One day when I'm out of my parents house, my pores shall no longer betray me." But still: zits persist, you get the gist.

While you may feel like your parents and puberty textbooks lied to you, here are seven facts about adult acne that will make you feel less alone.

1. Zits aren't just for awkward teenagers—they're for awkward adults, too.

According to the Dermal Institute, between 40 to 55 percent of adults between the ages of 20 and 40 have persistent acne and oily skin. As that GIF shows, one of those people is Rolling Stone and rock legend Keith Richards. You don't necessarily have to be an anxious, persistently sweaty adult to get breakouts, you can be a partying rock god.

2. Women are more prone to acne than men, because life isn't fair.

Like health and wage equality, adult acne is apparently more of a female issue. A study at the University of Alabama in Birmingham called "The Prevalence of Acne in Adults 20 Years and Older" found:

  • During their 20s, 50.9 percent of women and 42.5 percent of men reported experiencing acne.
  • During their 30s, 35.2 percent of women and 20.1 percent of men reported experiencing acne.
  • During their 40s, 26.3 percent of women and 12 percent of men reported experiencing acne.
  • During their 50s or older, 15.3 percent of women and 7.3 percent of men reported experiencing acne.

But at least society says women can wear makeup, right?


3. Acne appears in different places in adults than on teenagers, just to mix it up.

"Acne may look different when you’re 36 than it did when you were 16," the eminently wise WebMD.com reports. "It’s more likely to be reddish nodules around your mouth and jaw, rather than whiteheads and blackheads scattered all over your forehead, nose, and cheeks."

Points to adult acne for keeping things fresh just so you don't get prom night flashbacks.


4. Good news! It's not caused by caffeine or chocolate.

Coffee and chocolate, two necessary substances for surviving adult life, have long been rumored to trigger breakouts. But thankfully, heroic dermatologist Dr. Amy Derick reports that “the idea that chocolate and caffeinecause acne has never really panned out.”

While some studies have suggested a connection because of the certain bacterias in milk, Derick says, "The data isn’t that strong, and I don’t want to recommend that 30-year-old women cut out milk when they need it for their bone health.”

Thank you, Dr. Derick!!!


5. Daily skin care helps, but not too much daily skin care.

Dermatologists recommend washing your face twice a day, but no more. Excessive product use can irritate the skin, and over-washing can cause dryness.


6. The makeup you use to cover your acne may also be giving you acne.

Many thick, pancake-y moisturizers and foundations can clog the pores and lead to more breakouts. "Makeup can be very good at hiding pimples, but it can also accentuate zits if you use the wrong kind of concealer or slather it on too thickly," says WebMD. "The redness and peeling many acne treatments leave behind can look even worse when smeared with thick makeup."

Instead, use an oil-free moisturizer that says "non-comedogenic," which is the fancy way to say "won't clog your pores."


7. Stress can cause acne, and acne can cause stress, leading to a vicious cycle.

The Dermal Institute says that "the primary aggravating factor leading to adult acne is chronic stress." While acute stress can cause a breakout from time to time, it's chronic, continual stress that leads to increased hormone levels, and therefore increased oil production.

Plus, stress-induced acne gets worse with acne-induced stress, because "when adults are frustrated by the signs of acne on their skin, it causes additional emotional stress, which contributes to a continued increase in excess activity of the sebaceous glands and leads to the continued cycle of breakouts (and the need to 'pick' or 'squeeze' breakouts places even more acne-causing bacteria on the skin)."

It's easier said than done, but everyone should just chill out.

Best. Homework policy. Ever.

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Not every child has the best excuse in the world to get out of doing their homework. Fortunately, one teacher has decided that students get less out of doing their homework than he or she does from grading it. Instead, this bold educator sent this letter home to parents at the start of the school year:

No homework no problems.

Dear Parents,

After much research this summer, I am trying something new. Homework will only consist of work that your student did not finish during the school day. There will be no formally assigned homework this year.

Research has been unable to prove that homework improves student performance. Rather, I ask that you spend your evenings doing things that are proven to correlate with student success. Eat dinner as a family, read together, play outside, and get your child to bed early.

Thanks,

All that homework over centuries and there's no evidence that it helps??? And to think some of us had to do their homework AND eat dinner with their parents. Thanks Obama.

Restaurant workers explain the specific foods you should never order, unless you're gross.

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The internet is once again entreating you to change your eating habits when you dine out. But you'll probably just ignore these kind people of Reddit, like you always do, and instead share their fun facts over a steaming plate of disgusting restaurant calamari. That's certainly the best way to retain your happiness, if not your health.

Here's the food 10 restaurant workers said they would never order.

1. Seagullhunter might eat seagull, but not in broth.

Soup. It never gets cooled properly at night in the big container so it stays luke warm for hours.

2. OrchidBest explains how calamari suffers from the same oversight as soup.

I have similar fears about calamari. Worked at three places where the dishwasher always scooped the tentacles out of the gooey white batter that looked to be ten days old. These were busy restaurants and in most cases the dishwashers didn't have the time or common sense (or emotionally stable chefs) to wash their hands. And dishwashers touch everything: mop buckets, detergents, garbage rims, people's disgusting plates waiting to be scraped and cleaned.

It's a shame because making calamari at home is a hassle.

3. Uh oh, brakos is here to ruin your Subway order.

I work at a Subway. If you're not going to a busy store (say, near a major tourist attraction, sports stadium, or festival) don't get the harvest bread, since it usually sits around for days. On an average day at my store in a boring mid-sized city, we bake:

10-12 batches (100-120 loaves) each of Italian and Herbs and Cheese and run through those pretty quickly (within 6-8 hours unless it's overnight).

About 4-5 batches (40-50 loaves) of Wheat and Honey Oat, and we're also usually rid of those within the same time frame, but on a rare occasion they last about 24 hours.

One batch (10 loaves) of harvest bread when the need arises, which is only about once a week or so.

Flatbread isn't baked in store: it's pre-made and defrosted the night before or first thing in the morning... it's not really the freshest thing but it doesn't really go stale like regular bread does... but that's also why we suggest toasting it.

4. Ripewdecay sticks with the pizza at Pizza Hut.

something i learned personally as someone raised around kitchens- unpopular ingredients are turned over less so you're more likely to get something that was sitting around, perhaps even a little bad and picked over, freezer burned, chucked into the pits of a walk in freezer and thawed for your dietary pleasure.

So if you are the type of person who is anal about freshness just go with popular items and be done with it.

5. Bgar0312 brings up a common complaint on this thread.

Not eating but garnishes in your drink. The lemons limes oranges etc are almost never properly washed, they are handled with the waiters barehands or bartenders barehands literally 95% of the time. Bothers me

6. Only drink soda if RebelWithoutAClue works there.

Every time I started at a place, first thing I would do is take apart the soda fountain and give it a good cleaning. So much biofilm goo in the nozzles.

7. TheCSKelpto has even more details about why you never order soup.

There's a lot of red flags when it comes to soup, and I love me some soup. If it's real salty you know it's been on the heat all day. If it's watery, they just added cream/water to it. If it's thick, it's been on too long. The only places I order soup from are soup places. Not Subway, that offers soup as well.

8. Knockknock313 is here to destroy your favorite thing in the world.

I used to work at a Chinese restaurant. I don't understand how anyone eats a full order of general tso's or orange or sesame chicken. There's legit like... half a cup of sugar in one of those. Then you add to that that they're all breaded/deep fried... not my cup of tea. However, these three dishes ended up making it on to 30-50 percent of all of my tickets.

9. But what about nachos, Bradleyd00?

Any cheese dip, no matter how fancy it sounds, is basically 95% butter and cream cheese just enough actual cheese to make it taste like Asiago or whatever. Seriously, it is half a days caloric intake in a small bowl of it.

10. AddictedReddit is also a professional food critic. Heed his wisdom.

I'm a professional food critic. When you go to a restaurant, it's not the menu but the cooks that matter and most restaurants have more than one chef. As a result, one night a dish could be perfect, but the next night it's crap. The owner wants it to be the same consistently prepared product every time he sends food out the door, but one thing I've learned after 21 years... you never know what is gonna come through that door.

Article 18

Is Calvin Harris okay? His Snapchat of a peanut butter sandwich has us concerned.

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Scottish DJ/Taylor Swift survivor Calvin Harris had a big glamorous concert at a big exciting music festival this weekend, which he followed up with... the saddest peanut butter sandwich in the world. Hold the jelly. He ate it alone in his hotel room and even Snapchatted a sad instructional video:

⚡️ 22nd Aug 2016
Calvin's snapchat #calvinharris #snapchat

A video posted by Calvin Harris' Snapchat (@calvinharris.snapchat) on

Calvin, I'm speaking to you as a friend, or at least someone who kind of hates Taylor Swift: you're not doing this post-breakup social media thing right. You gotta make your life look glamorous right now to counteract the Hiddleswift train. Do NOT photograph your late night snacks unless you're eating black rhino sushi with a caviar, gold dust, and cocaine topping.

Like you know Beyoncé's Instagram? Be Beyoncé's Instagram.

Vin Diesel puts aside feud to compliment Dwayne Johnson's acting. Are they friends again?

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The most traumatic celebrity feud of my lifetime—that between Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and his Fast and the Furious franchise castmate Vin Diesel—might be at an end. Which is good because America needs an ongoing and loving relationship between Dominic Toretto and Luke Hobbs in our best and most beloved fast car vroom vroom franchise. Diesel—in a Facebook Live video backed by extremely peaceful wind chimes (seriously, it's like an ASMR video but sexy) praised Johnson's acting in the franchise, which is a good sign after Johnson and Diesel apparently butted heads during the filming of Fast 8.

Posted by Vin Diesel on Friday, August 19, 2016

Said Diesel in the video:

When I think about how fortunate I am and how blessed I am, it's hard for me not to recognize how much all of you have affected those blessings. And how much you all attributed to me feeling so fortunate. Know this, without you, I would not be doing Fast 8.

The reason we brought Dwayne Johnson into Fast 5 was because of you! There was a [fan] named Jan Kelly who said, ‘I would love to see you guys work together on screen.’ So we gave the role that was originally written for Tommy Lee Jones, we gave it to Dwayne and he shined in it.

I LOVE THESE TWO LUGS! Don't you want to adopt two little bulldogs and name them Vin Diesel and The Rock, or is that just me?

Heating up.


'GMA' anchor urgently crams foot in mouth after saying 'colored people' on air.

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On Monday morning, Good Morning America anchor Amy Robach accidentally referred to people of color as "colored people" live on air. So her week has started pretty well. Twitter user Mr. Sinister tweeted at Robach, including a clip of her saying the offensive phrase.

In the clip, Robach is discussing Hollywood's problem with diversity and whitewashing (not a bad conversation for white people to be having in general). She explains, "Now we all know Hollywood has received recent and quite a bit of criticism for casting white actors in what one might assume should be a role reserved for colored people." OOPS.

Robach released a statement after the broadcast, apologizing for her mistake and explaining that she'd actually meant to say "people of color." She claimed that the incident was a "mistake," and "not at all a reflection of how I feel or speak in my everyday life." Hey, slips of the tongue do happen, especially to people who talk all day long for their jobs. Chances are this won't EVER happen to her again, or else she'll probably wedge a stiletto into her gullet and leave it there forever. OR someone else will do it for her.

Mom's viral Facebook post blasts everyone who calls a C-section 'the easy way out.'

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On August 19, a badass mom named Raye Lee wrote a post on Facebook calling out the ignorance of people who think giving birth via C-section is an "easy" alternative to vaginal childbirth. Her post has racked up over 6,000 shares and 4,000 Facebook reactions, showing just how relevant this issue is in the parenting community.

LONG DRAMATIC POST WARNING:“Oh. A c-section? So you didn’t actually give birth. It must have been nice to take the...

Posted by Raye Lee on Friday, August 19, 2016

The post, which includes pictures of her C-section wound, reads:

LONG DRAMATIC POST WARNING:

“Oh. A c-section? So you didn’t actually give birth. It must have been nice to take the easy way out like that.”

Ah, yes. My emergency c-section was absolutely a matter of convenience. It was really convenient to be in labor for 38 hours before my baby went into distress and then every contraction was literally STOPPING his HEART.

Being told at the beginning that I was displaying great progress and wouldn't need a cesarean section... and then being told that I was being prepped for major abdominal surgery was not a shock at all. It had nothing to do with the fact that I physically couldn’t because I was given no other choice to save the life of my child. Oh, and that surgery is super easy peasy to recover from.

WRONG, That is all sarcasm.

This was the most painful thing I have experienced in my life.
I now belong to a badass tribe of mamas with the scar to prove that I had a baby cut out of me and lived to tell the tale.
( because you can die from this, you know. )

Having a shrieking infant pulled out of an incision that is only 5 inches long, but is cut and shredded and pulled until it rips apart through all of your layers of fat, muscle, and organs (which they lay on the table next to your body, in order to continue to cut until they reach your child) is a completely different experience than I had imagined my sons birth to be.

This was not pleasant. It still isn't.

You use your core muscles for literally everything... even sitting down, imagine not being able to use them because they have literally been shredded and mangled by a doctor and not being able to repair them for 6+ weeks because your body has to do it naturally.

When that first nurse asked you to try getting out of bed and the ripping pain of a body cut apart and stitched back together seared through you, you realized the irony of anybody who talks about it being the "easy way out". So fuck you and fuck how you see what I did.

I am the strongest woman, that I know. Not only for myself, but for my beautiful son... and I would honestly go through this every single day just to make sure I am able to see his smiling face.

Battle scar!

If that post is a little "tl;dr," here's a summary: Lee explains that having her baby pulled out from a 5-inch hole cut into her, while her internal organs were conveniently moved onto the table next to her, during an emergency procedure was actually NOT fun or pleasant! Nor was the pain that she endured afterwards, from the aforementioned HUGE wound and the inability to use her abdominal muscles for at least 6 weeks while her body repairs them itself. So yeah, maybe "easy" isn't the word people want to be using there.

Amber Tamblyn wasn't a fan of those body-shaming naked Trump statues.

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Amber​ Tamblyn is #withher, but she's still against body-shaming of any kind, even when the person being body shamed is him. The actress and artist wrote a Facebook post last night criticizing the naked statues of Trump that were, ahem, erected in five American cities last week.

Body shaming is never okay, even when it comes to trump. These statues aren't art: They are a lazy, unoriginal concept,...

Posted by Amber Tamblyn on Sunday, August 21, 2016

“Body shaming is never okay, even when it comes to trump,” she wrote. She also posted a photo of one of the statues, with a sign photoshopped onto it that reads: “Shame me for my behavior not my body.”

In case the image hasn't already been seared into your brain, here is a video of the statue that was put up in New York City:

Even New York's Parks Department got in a dig at the size of Trump's member before taking down the statue in Union Square, stating in a press release: "NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small."

Tamblyn is not amused. “These statues aren’t art,” she wrote. “They are a lazy, unoriginal concept, stolen mind you, from Ilma Gore’s painting which already made this exact same point earlier this year. This is wholly unoriginal and uncreative.”

She makes some good points. At Someecards, we stand firmly against body-shaming Trump or any of his body parts, no matter how small.

Comprehensive study of porn searches finally reveals whether penis size matters to women.

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"Does penis size matter?" has been a contentious question throughout history— from the Ancient Greeks (probably) to Sigmund Freud to the present day. Pornhub Insights, the statisticians who have the privilege of being employed by Pornhub, took a deep dive into analyzing women's porn preferences and found the answer to the age-old size question once and for all.

In short, the answer is yes, ladies apparently do love a large peen. According to Pornhub Insight's research, women search for videos that involve "big dicks" 46% more often than men do.

pornhub-insights-big-dick-men-vs-women

A list of the most popular search terms clearly shows that women want to see a powerful phallus when searching for porn.

pornhub-insights-big-dick-terms-women

The Pornhub Insights crew even created a Worldwide Map of "Dick," showing which countries want to see the D, proportionate to their populations. "Big Dick" searches are most popular with South African women, followed closely by the ladies of the USA, Jamaica, Kenya, and Nigeria.

pornhub-insights-big-dick-map-world

The "poorly endowed" men of Singapore, Bangladesh, Egypt, Albania, and El Savador can relax, though. Of all the countries in the world, the women of those nations are least likely to search for short films involving big dicks.

A map of the United States of Dick Searches shows that within our national boundaries, porn featuring big dicks is most widely sought after in Alaska, DC, and the South. Women of the Bible Belt—particularly Mississippi, Georgia, Louisiana, and Arkansas—seem to really like a giant peen.

pornhub-insights-big-dick-map-united-states

Women in Vermont, Utah, and Maine seem to be America's least concerned about large penises, probably because their cold climates have taught them a thing or two about shrinkage.

pornhub-insights-big-dick-states-popularity

Who knows how porn preferences translate into dating preferences. But fellas, if you're anxious about your dick size, I hear Vermont is really nice this time of year.

Article 10

19 people told us their best stories of the worst wedding guests they ever saw - Vol. 2

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From maids of honor failing to live up to either part of their title to the unrequited love of the childhood best friend, everyone has seen someone try to ruin a wedding. We asked our readers for their stories of the worst wedding guests they ever saw, and the response was so overwhelming, we couldn't fit them all in our first post. In fact, some stories are still coming in, so see the bottom of the post if you'd like to contribute to the third volume tomorrow. Thanks to all our amazing readers who participated for showing us the inspiring diversity out there among horrible trainwreck people.

1. Guests trying to be the center of attention are normal, but Brandee from Colorado had a guest who wanted to be the center of the marriage bed.

At our wedding, we had invited a couple we barely knew at that time. Well, the woman in that relationship got a little bit too drunk. After the ceremony, I am walking around greeting guests and she pulled me aside to the side of the venue and tried to make out with me.

After I ever so gracefully just swatted her off and went about my way and as the night is wrapping up, me and my husband are heading to our hotel. There she was just waiting to ask both of us in front of her boyfriend "Wheres your hotel?! I want to join!"

We just gave her some random hotel and room number and her boyfriend mouthed "I'm so sorry" as we left.

2. Em brings up a hard lesson many of our readers have learned—inviting someone out of a sense of duty is noble, but dangerous. Also, as we pointed out last time, brothers' girlfriends are always the riskiest people in the room.

At my wedding, it was a tie between my mother and my brother's girlfriend.

My mother, who I was estranged with due to her alcohol and drug problems and only invited out of a sense of obligation, showed up trashed. She could barely make it down the aisle for the ceremony, then when it was time for pictures she was missing and my man of honor went to find her. She was in the parking lot sneaking more booze before the reception. When told she had to come inside, she tried to fight him in the parking lot.

Then, at the reception, she kept insulting my dad's girlfriend and demanding to know why she was even invited even though my dad's girlfriend was and is a much bigger part of my life. Finally, her ride made her leave.

Meanwhile, during the reception, my brother's girlfriend got sloppy drunk and kept getting louder in her demands to know when he was going to propose to her. Then she started dancing very inappropriately on anyone she could trap. One of my female cousins had to help her to the bathroom where she then kissed her and tried groping her.

When she got rejected she then tried to take her dress off and run back into the reception. My brother caught her and then tried to make her leave. She ended up getting away from him and running half naked through the parking lot before he caught her again and got her in the car. She ended up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning that night. They are no longer together.

3. One anonymous reader revealed why newlyweds have gift registries.

The guest was my husband's high school football teammate. I married young, not a lot of money so we got married in my parent's backyard. It was still pretty nice, groom and best man in tuxes and I wore a wedding dress.

We had already delayed the wedding an hour due to weather so this guest (and his plus one) were late. They came busting through the back gate like the Kool-Aid man during the start of the wedding march. I ask for us to start again so they can grab a seat.

Wedding goes off fine despite the fact they both looked like they hadn't slept or showered. Smelled like ass and alcohol. I play nice and make no comments. My bridesmaid and other guests come up to me asking who the "whore in the cheap Rave dress" is. I have no clue.

I was ok until my husband's friend asks him (with me in earshot) where he was the night before, he couldn't find him, etc. Then he proceeds to introduce his plus one as my husband's wedding present. She was a stripper. Not a classy or pretty one. A cheap, nasty, probably cooks meth in her trailer stripper. I was done and asked my husband to show them out.

4. Surprisingly, the guest suffering from unrequited love hasn't shown up in these stories...until now, thanks to this anonymous reader.

We had a small (75 people) destination wedding. The worst guest, by far, was my husband's best friend (now former best friend). She had quite a candle burning for him. It was bad.

She tried to photobomb every candid photo of my husband and me. I'm really upset that she ruined our guest mat- one of my family members, a WWII POW, had signed it, and passed away a few months later, and we can't hang it in our home because she wrote to my husband "me love you long time" on it.

She acted as though I was invisible the entire weekend. She literally only spoke two words to me, "oh, yeah," when I asked her if she'd gotten her flights worked out, because if not, we could talk to the hotel about charging the block rate for one more night. And that was after [she was] snarked at by the best man how I existed, so she needed to acknowledge me some time.

FWIW, she was one of my bridesmaids until she decided that my "get your dress anywhere you want, in your budget, that you'd wear again. It has to be black, have straps, cannot be super short or low cut, and not a halter" was bridezilla. She also grinded against my husband at our reception, and got wasted.

My husband has only spoken to her twice since the wedding. She added a bunch of friends to Facebook who had also been at the wedding...just not my husband. I wonder if she knows that we have a kid and have moved to a different state...?

5. Sometimes, it takes decades for someone to become the worst wedding guest ever. (Also, um, sorry.)

At my wedding, a “friend” of my husband’s family informed me that if her daughter was older, my husband would have married her. 26 years later, I recently found a sent text to that daughter on my husband’s cell phone that read “I miss you, too. I will try to call you later today.” I still haven’t decided what to do. ☹

6. On one level, perhaps, you have to respect Sarah's ex-mother-in-law's very straightforward approach to ruining everything.

I knew my marriage was doomed before the wedding was even over. My mother-in-law cried when we told her about our engagement. She refused to talk about any and all wedding plans through the entire engagement. On the day of our wedding, she showed up dressed all in black as if she were attending a funeral, and proceeded to sit in the front row and sob uncontrollably throughout the entire ceremony. The marriage didn't last. We've been divorced for two years now.

7. "Karma is a B" and so was Jennie's "maid of honor-zilla."

You've heard of bridezillas, well I had a "maid of honor-zilla."

She planned this really nice bridal shower for me which was great, but she was so controlling with the itinerary for everything and at the end of the shower, she actually told my guests that it was over and that they could leave now. I had family who drove a couple of hours for this, so they felt awkward when they were basically kicked out.

I learned later that she only made such a big deal about my bridal shower because she expected me to do the same thing for her when it was time for her to get married. Not because she was being nice.

When I was dress shopping with my MOH, I had told her my idea for the bridesmaid dresses. I had picked out a different style in the same color for each girl, and picked my favorite style for her. She told me she didn't like it, so I ended up changing my entire bridesmaid dress plan around her all because she didn't like my choice for her. And I was the bride.

On my wedding day before the ceremony, we were taking pictures. It was time for pictures with the entire bridal party and the photographer had asked my maid of honor to please carry the train of my dress while we moved locations. She rolled her eyes and responded with a sarcastic "gosh, I have to do EVERYTHING today." Instead of making a remark about how she's the maid of honor and how that's a typical thing a MOH would help with, I took the high road and just told her that I appreciated her help.

The ceremony was just about to start when my MOH looked out at our guests in the church pews and she said to me' "wow it doesn't look that full out there." REALLY?! I almost lost it.

Several other dramatic events took place after the wedding, and needless to say, we are no longer friends. I learned a couple years later that she had gotten engaged to her boyfriend, then two weeks before they were supposed to get married, he dumped her. Karma's a B!

8. On a lighter note, Courtney was a terrible guest on purpose, but in the service of improving tolerance among family members.

I feel like I should nominate myself as one of the worst wedding guests ever, but want to point out that it was for a good cause!

My best friend is gay and comes from a very, very religious family, like as a child he was pretty much in a cult kind of religious. Needless to say his coming out process with them has been pretty awful.

Because his mom sees pictures of us together, she was convinced that if I just left my husband, he and I would be very happy together.

When he brought me to his sister's wedding, I got ALL the drunk, danced scandalously (for a super religious wedding), convinced the bartender to let me mix everyone's drinks, and licked my friend on the side of the face in front of everyone during the "kiss the way you want the bride and groom to kiss" game.

His sister the bride also thought his parents were being assholes about his gay-ness so she thought it was awesome.

My goal was to be SO awful that his parents would never want him to bring another girl home ever again. Last month, they invited his boyfriend over for dinner for the first time. Win!

9. If you're an aunt, and you know that "the weird, pushy aunt" is already a wedding cliché, how do you let yourself act like this? Thanks for the story, Jaclyn.

We like to plan parties in my family, so when my sister was getting married, my mom and I handled most of the details ourselves. We made the favors and centerpieces, decorated the venue- pretty much everything that goes into decor was personally made by us. Day of the wedding, my brother-in-law's aunt shows up insisting she wants to come with us to decorate that morning.

We start loading stuff into our cars and she tells us not to- she's going to rent a truck because she insists that we will not be able to get everything there in our 3 separate SUVs. So we waited almost 2 hours on an already tight timeline for her to show up with this truck and were scrambling till the very last minute to get things done before we had to leave to go get dressed.

We try to take the aunt with us but she tells us she doesn't have time to go home and change because she lives 2 hours away and didn't bring a change of clothes with her. She's dressed in a sweatshirt and yoga pants. When we come back she's made some very minor changes to the decor- things that went against what my sister wanted, but whatever, we aren't going to fight with her about it.

She attends the wedding in her sweats, and when it's time for speeches, she unexpectedly gets up and takes the mic. She thanks everyone for coming to HER event and proceeds to tell everyone how hard she worked on it (she had not done a single thing until that day, and even then she did next to nothing) and goes on to promote her "party planning business".

She literally got up there and told everyone that if they liked what they saw, they could contact her for event planning services. My mom and I were furious, as was my sister, who got up and took the mic and went on to thank HER family who had worked nonstop for months to put this together.

My sister and brother-in-law had provided all the alcohol for the event and the venue provided just the bartender, so the intention was obviously to pack up what was left over and bring it back to them.

After the reception while we were helping clean/pack up some things, we found the aunt at the bar, telling the bartender to give her a few cases of beer to bring home since "I didn't even drink. I NEVER drink when I'm hosting an event". We noped her right the hell out of there after that, and she's no longer invited to anything, ever.

10. Kristine is clearly a remarkably open and communicative person, a trait she apparently got (but in way more moderation) from her dad.

my family found out that I was pregnant at my wedding. and my father, while very happy about this news, got very drunk and decided to lament to everyone about my abortion the year before. I'm not ashamed of my abortion but it's also my story to tell to who I want and it was so selfish of him to go and tell everyone about how it made him feel and how disappointed he was in me for doing that while completely disregarding all the reasons I would have done it. it was a tiny wedding with guests that consisted of mostly my close family who knew about it but he pretty much made it all about him and I was so upset that my new husband and I didn't even consummate our marriage because on top of everything else, my dad who traveled for his work, stayed with us whenever he was in town and drove home with us at the end of the night.

11. Probably the most offensive thing this anonymous reader's guests did was being atrocious in cliché ways straight out of a "bad wedding" montage.

1) My husband’s uncle.

He got very intoxicated. He decided to remove his shirt during dinner to show the rest of the people seated at his table his tattoos. After dinner he fell into the table holding the wedding cake and knocked it to the floor.

2) The photographer my husband hired was a friend of his sister.

She also drank heavily and none of the pictures at the reception turned out.

This may have been an omen of things to come. We are no longer married.

12. Sometimes you think you've heard it all, and then E.L. comes along to remind you that none of these other guests have pretended to be Nazis.

My husband and I got married at a beautiful German restaurant owned by a German family. My father in law drank too much (as usual) and smashed a glass that cut the bartenders hand open. The owner asked him to settle down and he decided to do the goose-step and Hitler salute in the middle of our reception for all our guests to see, including the owners. It safe to say our wedding wrapped up pretty fast after that and we never returned to the restaurant again. I'm still mortified at the thought of it.

13. It's been thousands of years since someone came up with marriage, and still some people can't get past making immature jokes about the happy couple's happy coupling.

We got married a couple months ago on my husband's family farm.

My dad lives close by, so he let us borrow his camper to stay in and he just went home when the reception was over.

During supper, we had ‘open mic’ for guests to have stories about us. My dad's friend, who was quite intoxicated at the time, gets up for 3rd time and all 300+ guests are dreading what he about to say..

So he starts telling everyone how much money this camper cost my Dad, about how it's only a couple years old, and how we are going to bend the jacks on it tonight and my husband is going to have to tell my dad, and my dad will probably beat the shit out of him. I wanted to crawl under the head table in that moment.

14. Much like the people who cleaned up after this anonymous reader's reception, we don't even know what to say to this one.

After my sisters wedding at a rural campground, the next day cleaning up we found a red solo cup that someone had taken a dump in. There were lots of bathrooms, so really no need for such a thing. It was a great reception, no outbursts or anything, but . . . WTF???

So now when someone talks about a crazy party anyone who was there says "was it shit in a solo cup crazy?"

P.S. This was several years ago and we aren't heathens, it was a great wedding for 2 people very much in love. It's just one of those things if you don't laugh it off you'll cry.

15. Alright, well… technically this person did attend the wedding for a few minutes.

I was attending my friend's wedding and as we're waiting for the ceremony to begin we were all noticing golfers walking down the path a few feet behind the alter. We commented that we hoped they'd put a stop to that once the ceremony started.

Fast forward to the vows when an uninvited guest arrived -- a morbidly obese little person in a golf cart stopped dead center behind the couple! He stood up in the cart taking selfies from the passenger seat (he presumably couldn't fit in the drivers seat)! The wedding guests began to whisper, the bridal party began to panic, and the bride tried to choke back a laugh while the officiant shot her a dirty look thinking she was laughing at the vows. After what seemed like an eternity the golfer moved on, but not before he photo bombed the vows in every single picture.

ICYMI: fat tyrion lannister crashed my friends wedding vows

16. While not as bad as the friend's daughter who started an affair decades later, Julie's sister shows how to ruin a wedding for literally weeks at a time.

On our wedding day it started with my own sister murmuring some snotty comments during service. So far so good. At least no hysterical drunk vomiting in the middle of the dance floor.

Later on she, her husband and their two kids got up while we all had cake and put on their coats getting ready to leave. Being asked where they were going my sister answered, that since she had to travel to the city in which we got married she at least wanted to visit the museum this city was famous for. Uhm...ok?

Everybody was quite startled as it really was a nice and very relaxed wedding for everybody.

A few days after the wedding I asked her on the phone how she liked it and she literally gave our wedding a rating of a C--. Yes, she came up with a school grade.

Not only that, a few more days later even a letter from her arrived that she had sent before we talked on the phone. In this letter, she explained how exhausting the wedding weekend was with all the traveling they had to go through (5 hours one-way sitting on a train), how bad the hotel was (which they by the way chose themselves and they simply are really, really cheap people), that they went through the sacrifice of paying my mom's hotel room, too (which they had offered her to do so, and my sister and her husband really make good money) and that they had to cancel a garden party (!) and a pre school summer fest (!!) just to attend our wedding (just a reminder: she's my sister).

Read yourself between her lines...I didn't talk to her for 5 years.

17. There have obviously been worse people on this list, but it's never more irritating than when the guy who is literally in charge for a few minutes goes off the deep end.

At my best friend's wedding, the worst guest was the officiating minister. First, he stopped the ceremony right in the middle because the 3 year old flower girl was, understandably, a bit fidgety. He announced that "Someone needs to get that child under control." Not only that, when the ceremony was (we thought) over, the mother of the groom stood to clap. Apparently, Reverend Sourpuss had more to say, because he shook his finger at her and told her, in front of everyone, "Ma'am, I am NOT finished. You need to sit down."

I will never forgive that man for ruining what should have been the most perfect day of my best friend's life.

18. Joie Tartaglia wrote us an email at the very last second, but got added in because this story is nuts.

I was the guest book attendant when I was 13 at my cousin's wedding.

First, the groom showed up drunk and fainted, dripping with sweat, just as things started. Once he came to, they got through the ceremony and headed to the reception.

The booze was flowing and the entire bridal party got tossed, specifically the groom and groomsmen. Eventually a fight broke out, and the groom, my cousin (the bride) and some miscellaneous bride's maids and groomsmen are in a brawl on the dance floor.

My cousin's wedding dress was covered in blood as were other bridal party members. Also, someone put liquor in the kids punch bowl and we all ended up pretty sick. They divorced months later.

19. Allen wrote us this story that should remind you not to compare yourself to others, lest you become an unhealthy Nebraska pothead who will never have children. At least, we think that's the message?

My husband and I were married in a small ceremony in December of 2015 so we could legally adopt our son. We held a much larger, planned ceremony in June of 2016. We were surrounded by 300 of our closest family and friends.

I invited my long time best friend from high school. We have known each other since 10th grade, 25 years. We were tied at the hip, always together. We worked together, went to concerts together, you name it.

We got older, jobs took us in different directions, I moved to the east coast and she moved to the west coast. We kept in touch by email, text and the occasional phone call. She and her partner ended up moving back about 2 years prior to our wedding.

Although we were extremely close, I did not ask her to be in my wedding. After struggling with knowing that I might have offended her by not asking her to be part of our day, I finally asked her to be our personal attendant. She never replied to my texts, phone calls, etc. She would only respond to my messages on Facebook Messenger. Her response was over the top and seemed as if she was excited and said yes. However, she never showed up to shopping events, planning events, nothing.

Two weeks before the wedding I texted her to remind her to mail in her RSVP. She replied and thanked me for the reminder. A week out, I texted her saying, I never received the RSVP and that I assume they are not coming. No response. Our big day came, and I totally forgot to change the floral order to cut out her flowers.

Two minutes before our ceremony, she showed up with her mother and her partner. Her partner, is something else. She is intimidated by me. Why, well lets just say I can spot a Bullshitter a mile away and tend to call people out on their BS. This girl is a hot mess.

They show up, and the girlfriend is anxious. She is on edge the entire time. I never saw them at all. It wasn’t until after the wedding that I was told that she showed up. Apparently she showed up, and when she received her flowers to wear she had a look of disgust on her face.

They sat in front of some friends of mine, who told me that they mocked our ceremony the entire time. They made fun of everything. Our Vows were dedicated to each other and our son. We baptized our son with everyone present. Apparently, this sent them over the edge and the girl friend started laughing, so hard to the point where they had to leave. Haven’t heard from her since.

I have been told that they are jealous that my husband and I were able to adopt a child. See, it was their plan to move back home to be closer to family so they too could have children. But they both smoke a ton of pot, are in poor health, and could never carry a child.

Their plan was to move back home, foster children, and since weed is not legal in Nebraska they were going to grow their own pot at the cost of taxpayer's money from the foster system. Once they found out we were having a baby, they went off the deep end with jealousy. Sad but true.

Best part is. I know they smoke a ton of drugs. I am taking a new job with a new company and will end up being my former best friends boss. I am a fan of random drug testing of employees. Funny how that works.

See also: Volume One.

Thanks again to our amazing and hilarious fans for sending these in. You have truly expanded our understanding of how bad guests can be. If you have a story you'd like to share, send us an email at submissions@someecards.com with the subject line "Worst Wedding Guest." Let us know how you would like to be credited (first name, anonymous, full name + link)—we will use first names only as a default. Please do not include identifying information for the people in your stories.

Here's a trailer for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics to tide you over for the next four years.

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The Olympics are over, long live the Olympics! On the night the Summer Games concluded in Rio de Janeiro, the Japanese Olympic Committee released their trailer for the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo. It's actually pretty good at making you look forward to the games, which is saying a lot coming off two exhausting (but exhilarating) weeks in Brazil. Between the shots of Tokyo, the animation, the video games, and Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, it's also a big treat for fans of Japanese culture. So, just play this on a loop several hundred thousand times until it's time for Tokyo 2020.

And yes, that was the Prime Minister appearing at Rio's closing ceremony wearing a Mario costume in the rain to invite everyone to Japan. You're welcome.


Article 7

Chopped salads are just pre-chewed food for lazy people with money to burn.

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Last month, The New York Postreported what everyone who has ever purchased a chopped salad knows deep down: those salads are unhealthy and expensive. In fact, some of the allegedly healthy salads workers woof down at their desks can have as many calories as a McDonald's Big Mac.

Hey, you get what you pay for. Yes, that bowl of vegetables and fried chicken and croutons and pita chips shampooed in Ranch dressing isn't necessarily good for you. This is common sense. Look, enjoy what you eat. Even if it's a salad that you'll have to work out for two hours to burn off. Life is short. Shut up and eat.

The problem with chopped salads isn't even that they're a waste of money. You know how much money you have in your bank account. If you can afford a ten dollar salad, then by all means buy that ten dollar salad. It's not the salad's fault if you can't afford a ten dollar salad. It's your fault. Manage your finances better, friendo.

The problem with chopped salads is that they're infantilizing. People who pay a premium for a chopped salad obviously like paying a stranger to cut their steak into tiny itty-bitty pieces. Chopped salad is just pre-chewed food. It is the ultimate status symbol for trendy professionals on the go. If you like chopped salads, it's because you are sooo busy you don't have time to chew your food. You need someone to dice it and, as a consequence, save you a few minutes of working your jaw.

Did you eat a chopped salad today? Okay, good, because this is for you. I am writing with you in mind. Here's the deal: you should just order a regular salad. Or you can pay me a small sum of money and I will chomp your salad into a wet mulch. Then I will cradle your head in my arms and slowly spit the chopped salad into your open mouth.

In conclusion: chopped salads are the kind of fad that you'll have to explain to your children. How will you do that with a straight face?

Article 5

Chelsea Peretti spoofs Adele's apology video with her own.

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Comedian and social media queenChelsea Peretti posted a video last night that looks very similar to Adele's red-nosed apology video to fans from last week. Only whereas Adele was sorry (very, very sorry) to her fans for being sick and missing a performance, Peretti is apologizing for being MIA from social media until "most likely tomorrow or even later tonight."

Here is Peretti's three-part apology:

And here is Adele's, for reference:

And here is a pic Peretti posted on Instagram to show the similarities between the two (uncanny!):

icons

A photo posted by Chelsea Peretti (@chelsanity) on

She also posted a quickie makeup tutorial to show how she was able to master Adele's red-nosed "sick" look.

Peretti was joking, but the thought of her leaving social media even for a night plunged me into despair, so I can only imagine how Adele's fans felt. However, even icons need rest. I accept your apology, Chels.

Some masochist edited together the most painful awkward-comedy moments in movie history.

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Awkard humor, like pimple popping videos, is an acquired taste. But for people who love to laugh while cringing, there is no substitute. Well, you weirdos are in luck, because the good people at Burger Fiction have created a 10-minute supercut of the most awkward moments in comedy movie history. By the time you get to Fargo, you'll be squirming in your seat with delight.

Did your favorite awkward moment get left out? Let us know by videotaping yourself talking about it in a drunk wedding toast. Then send it to submissions@someecards.com.

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