Dramatic baby is a photoshopped star of every great action movie.

June 20, 2014, 9:35 am

≫ Next: World Cup fever.

≪ Previous: Real enthusiasm.

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Oh no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Baby that killed the beast! (via IMGUR)

Redditor baronvongrant (AKA Grant Davis, podcast host and "all around geek) wins Photoshop parent of the year for deciding that his dramatic toddler deserved a better backdrop than a giant armchair.

Here's the original:

(via IMGUR)

And here she is if baronvongrant were a casting director:

Powerful she has become. (via IMGUR)

Iron Man and a Little Baby. (via IMGUR)
 

Honey, I photoshopped the kids. (via IMGUR)

Godziwwa. (via IMGUR)

Just discovered object permanence. (via IMGUR)

Harry Toddler. (via IMGUR)

(by Myka Fox)

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World Cup fever.

June 20, 2014, 9:56 am

≫ Next: A great day has a five-hour stretch where you don't realize how scared you are.

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A great day has a five-hour stretch where you don't realize how scared you are.

June 20, 2014, 10:16 am

≫ Next: Mick Jagger and David Bowie's "Dancing in the Street" video is so much better without music.

≪ Previous: World Cup fever.

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Jason RoederFri, 20 Jun 2014 13:16:01 EDT

A great day has a five-hour stretch where you don't realize how scared you are.

Mick Jagger and David Bowie's "Dancing in the Street" video is so much better without music.

June 20, 2014, 10:31 am

≫ Next: John Oliver tries to guess whether ridiculous soccer player names are real or not.

≪ Previous: A great day has a five-hour stretch where you don't realize how scared you are.

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Walking, coughing in the streets.

If Mario Wienerroither walked into a TV producer's office in Hollywood and said, "I'd like to remove the music from classic music videos and replace it with completely ordinary sound effects," the producer would most likely nod his head politely and say "Uh huh, sure... I'm listening," while texting an assistant instructions to interrupt the meeting and never again take Mario's calls.

Which is why the single greatest thing about the internet is that not one idea, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, can be rejected. Allowing for visionaries like Mario to pursue their absurdly brilliant ideas and produce video shorts like "Dancing in the Street" without music. Enjoy.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

John Oliver tries to guess whether ridiculous soccer player names are real or not.

June 20, 2014, 10:36 am

≫ Next: Cocaine-filled cookie plan crumbles at Newark International Airport

≪ Previous: Mick Jagger and David Bowie's "Dancing in the Street" video is so much better without music.

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Oddly, my brother-in-law was a minister in
the Church of the Bongo Christ during college.

There's only one aspect of soccer that's more ridiculous than its rules and its fans and its brightly colored uniforms and that weird horn that people are always blowing at games and the general philosophy of the sport. That's the players' names. Yes, there's some crazy names in that sport! I mean, Michael Bradley? What is that, a first name and then an adverb of a second first name?! Ridiculous! 

Okay. Admittedly, I did not dig very deep for that one. But I have it on good authority that there are a lot of out-there names to be found. GQ did a much better job of finding some for this video quiz they did with John Oliver: 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Cocaine-filled cookie plan crumbles at Newark International Airport

June 20, 2014, 10:39 am

≫ Next: Here's an absurd four-minute compilation of Arnold Schwarzenegger farting.

≪ Previous: John Oliver tries to guess whether ridiculous soccer player names are real or not.

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C is for Cocaine. (via Customs and Border Protection)

Girl scouts, listen up. You can't store your drugs in cookies anymore. They're on to it.

A Guatemalan man checked three bags of cookies and flew them to Newark International Airport. Customs did a routine inspection when they decided that checking three bags of cookies is totally weird. According to CBS, officials investigated and found 118 oval-shaped pellets of cocaine hidden inside, weighing a little more than 3 pounds. That's worth about $52,000 on the street. 

The perp, Mauricio Isidro Rivera Hernandez, has been turned over to Port Authority and is facing drug charges. 

It could have been the perfect crime, too. No one expects coke heads to get the munchies. 

(by Myka Fox)

Here's an absurd four-minute compilation of Arnold Schwarzenegger farting.

June 20, 2014, 12:05 pm

≫ Next: A town has ordered a 9-year-old boy to shut down the tiny free library on his front lawn.

≪ Previous: Cocaine-filled cookie plan crumbles at Newark International Airport

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"I'll be back. By the way, is there a restroom nearby?"

You know how you woke up this morning and you were like, "I probably won't see a four-minute compilation of Arnold Schwarzenegger movies with a bunch of fart noises over them today"? Well, goes to show you what you know.

Say what you will about the immaturity and ridiculousness of this video, but it's certainly the best piece of Schwarzenegger fart media currently going. And that's counting the newest Expendables film. 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

A town has ordered a 9-year-old boy to shut down the tiny free library on his front lawn.

June 20, 2014, 12:09 pm

≫ Next: DRINKING GAME: Take a shot every time you feel sad.

≪ Previous: Here's an absurd four-minute compilation of Arnold Schwarzenegger farting.

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Don't even think about selling lemonade. (via)

Imagine the movie Footloose, only replace Kevin Bacon with a 9-year-old boy. And instead of a town trying ban kids from dancing to the synth-rock jams of Kenny Loggins, they're closing down a small "free library" on a kid's front lawn. Now replace the fiery sermons from John Lithgow about sin and God's wrath with anonymous phone calls from a few spineless neighbors, and you've got yourself one crappy movie.

That's the real life drama that Spencer Collins and his family are dealing with in Leawood, Kansas, after the family returned home from vacation to find a letter from the city saying that the "take a book, leave a book" stand on their lawn was an "accessory structure," and if it wasn't removed, they would receive a citation.

The part of the humorless bureaucrat with his hands tied by the law is Leawood official Richard Coleman, who said, "We need to treat everybody the same. So we can't say if somebody files a complaint but we like the little libraries -- we think they're cute -- so we ignore it. We can't do that."

To his credit, Spenser isn't replacing the library with a sign reading "My neighbors suck" or going the Cliven Bundy route by creating an armed standoff with law enforcement. Instead, he moved the library to his garage and is reading up on the law in preparation for a fight with City Hall. He's also set up a Facebook page for it and is quickly accumulating supporters.

He should also consider loading some Kenny Loggins onto a portable music player for a choreographed dance number. It won't help his case much, but it will make it considerably more entertaining.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

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DRINKING GAME: Take a shot every time you feel sad.

June 20, 2014, 12:12 pm

≫ Next: A freaked out dude found an owl in his kitchen and removed it on a Swiffer.

≪ Previous: A town has ordered a 9-year-old boy to shut down the tiny free library on his front lawn.

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John Francis DaleyFri, 20 Jun 2014 15:12:10 EDT

DRINKING GAME: Take a shot every time you feel sad.

A freaked out dude found an owl in his kitchen and removed it on a Swiffer.

June 20, 2014, 12:56 pm

≫ Next: Watch this little girl listen to a sad song and just completely lose it.

≪ Previous: DRINKING GAME: Take a shot every time you feel sad.

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"Oh Jesus Christ please don't fly, please don't fly."  (via YouTube)

Colton Write, AKA The Owl Whisperer, AKA The Owl Swifferer, found an owl in his kitchen, and after about "40 minutes of hysterics" figured out the funniest way possible to get it out of his house. 

Yes!!! Fuck yeah!!!!

If I was lucky enough to be visited by a cool as hell bird of prey, I think I'd want it to hang out for a while, but I wasn't there when it did this. 

Mr. Owl, are you ok?

(by Myka Fox)

Watch this little girl listen to a sad song and just completely lose it.

June 20, 2014, 1:07 pm

≫ Next: If your favorite websites were insects.

≪ Previous: A freaked out dude found an owl in his kitchen and removed it on a Swiffer.

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Yup. That's me pretty much any time some jerkbag decides to blast that Jewel record.

Hi, I look like a little girl but I'm actually the emotions you feel any time you've been broken up with and wanted someone back, and then a sad song comes on and you just want them back so badly even for a minute, even for a second for them to just look in your eyes and say, "I just wanted to share one more moment of my life with you." I'm that feeling that's inside you, except in cute little girl form. See....?

Post by 1,000,000 Vines.

The song is "Feels Like Home" by Chantal Kreviazuk. The little girl is "Feels Like You" by "Your Crybaby Self." NOW GET IT TOGETHER!

(by Bob Powers)

If your favorite websites were insects.

June 20, 2014, 11:14 am

≫ Next: This junior high rock performance probably could have gone better.

≪ Previous: Watch this little girl listen to a sad song and just completely lose it.

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1. Facebook = The Dung Beetle

The Dung Beetle - The dung beetle collects everyone's shit into an easy-to-read ball, or "Feed." While convenient, it usually just makes you jealous of people with better-looking shit than you.

2. Reddit = The Mosquito 

These ubiquitous creatures sample any content with life left in it, trying to suck out it's lifeforce, or "Karma." They only live for a few days or hours, however, so new ones will return to the same content almost immediately to try and drain it again.

3. Upworthy= The Caterpillar

This uninteresting and boring creature wrapped itself up in a cocoon of silky clickbait. You won't believe what it became next!

4. BuzzFeed = The Fruit Fly

One of the most ubiquitous species on the planet, the fruit fly will seize on any piece of content with any value whatsoever, feeding every few minutes. It can adapt to any environment, even consuming things that only other insects from a place like Albuquerque would understand.

5. Every Real News Site = The Honeybee

Without this insect, human civilization would collapse. It is, of course, going extinct.

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6. TMZ = The Maggot

Growing inside of every sizzurp-soaked celebrity carcass and dead horse they can find, maggots eventually become fruit flies and learn to make their content more likeable (see above).

7. Twitter = Crickets

Although together it sounds like crickets make up a dialogue that reveals the true opinions of the land they live on, they are in fact just millions of lonely individual insects asking to be noticed.

8. Tumblr = The Rhinoceros Beetle

The Rhinoceros Beetle will lock horns and battle any other insect that doesn't accept how beautiful all the different shapes, colors, and orientations that the Rhinoceros Beetle can come in.

9. Google = The Sentinel from 'The Matrix'

It knows where you are, and if it wanted to, it could peel open your house and take you to a human farm in Palo Alto.

10. Yahoo! = The Cockroach

A lot of people laugh at the cockroach, but it continues to survive mass extinctions, and we all know it will still somehow be chugging long after we're dead.

(by Johnny McNulty)

This junior high rock performance probably could have gone better.

June 21, 2014, 4:01 am

≫ Next: Seasonal

≪ Previous: If your favorite websites were insects.

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Accidental punk rockishness.

Okay, sure. These junior high kids have a few small performance details to iron out before they start touring with this cover of Weezer's "Undone." Like, the lead guitar is a little shaky, and it needs a stronger backbeat. And, if I was being nitpicky, I'd suggest learning how to secure the keyboard stand.

Besides that, though, it's pretty solid stuff. Definitely preferable to the Red Hot Chili Peppers' Super Bowl performance. At least they were playing their own instruments.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Seasonal

June 21, 2014, 5:00 am

≫ Next: Seasonal

≪ Previous: This junior high rock performance probably could have gone better.

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Seasonal

June 21, 2014, 6:00 am

≫ Next: A toddler realizes he can move his eyebrows and make his parents laugh.

≪ Previous: Seasonal

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A toddler realizes he can move his eyebrows and make his parents laugh.

June 21, 2014, 10:13 am

≫ Next: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 21, 2014

≪ Previous: Seasonal

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Baby's first routine.

The title of this video is Leon Discovers His Eyebrows. He also discovers that his parents are big fans of physical comedy, as well as the art of working a room. Or at least a bathroom. His newly discovered eyebrow gag kills for a solid 35 seconds. He loses the audience around the 40-second mark, but by then it's clear that the bit is solid.

The most impressive thing about Leon's routine is that, unlike a lot of other babies who do eyebrow material, Leon works clean.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 21, 2014

June 21, 2014, 12:55 pm

≫ Next: A guy inserted his dog into a classic "Jurassic Park" scene and he deserves to make a fortune off of it.

≪ Previous: A toddler realizes he can move his eyebrows and make his parents laugh.

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1. Entire Nation Of North Korea Joins List Of People Who Have Officially Condemned Seth Rogen and James Franco

The Democratic People's Republic of Korea has officially condemned actor/filmmakers James Franco and Seth Rogen for their part in the upcoming film The Interview, in which the characters they portray are tasked by the United States government to assassinate the Asian nation's Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un. "There is a special irony in this storyline as it shows the desperation of the US government and American society," a spokesperson for North Korea told The Telegraph. There goes any chance of a perfect Rotten Tomatoes score.

I think it would make more sense if Russia and North Korea were playing each other right now in the World Cup.

— Keating Thomas (@keatingthomas) June 17, 2014

2. Kanye West Turns Up At Dave Chappelle Show To Receive His Obligatory 15 Minutes Of Attention

After apparently discovering that there was a large group of people with eyes capable of seeing gathered at Radio City Music Hall last night, hip-hop artist Kanye West decided to make a surprise appearance at stand-up comedian Dave Chappelle's show. He performed three songs before graciously allowing the audience to give their attention to the person they went there to see.

Today is Kanye's birthday. And every other day is also actually Kanye's birthday.

— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) June 8, 2014

3. Porn Star Celebrates World Cup Win In Traditional Chilean Fashion — A 16-Hour Gang Bang

Chilean porn star Marlen Doll turned heads this week when she delivered on her promises to throw a 12-hour orgy in honor of her nation's team beating Australia and a 16-hour orgy for beating Spain. Chile isn't scheduled to play the Netherlands until Monday, which should hopefully give her sufficient rest time before whatever comes next. I wonder how much cranberry juice she can drink in two days?

The World Cup would be more interesting if at the end of the game the earth opened up and devoured the losing team.

— Cory Cavin (@corycavin) June 20, 2014

4. News Of 'Star Wars: Episode XIII' Director Causes Stir Across The Galactic Empire

When Disney announced yesterday that Rian Johnson—writer/director of Brick and Looper—would be penning and helming the seventh chapter of the Star Wars trilogy of trilogies, the explosion of excitement online was equal to the percussive power of the destruction of the Death Star I and II combined, plus a little of whatever that thing that blew up at the end of Episode I was. It is however unknown whether such emotions stems mostly from respect for Johnson as a filmmaker or happiness that J.J. Abrams will only have the opportunity to ruin one installment.

I'm very psyched to see the new Star Wars movies to see which racial stereotypes are illustrated by the aliens!

— Anthony DeVito (@AnthonyDeVito) June 21, 2014

5. Canadian Woman Faces Lifetime Sentence For Saving Baby Ducks (Or Something)

A Canadian woman has been convicted and faces a possible lifetime sentence in prison for stopping her car to rescue a group of poor, defenseless, adorable ducklings. Her decision to park her car in one of the lanes of a major highway, thus leading to the crashing deaths of two people who were trying to use the road properly, is probably a contributing factor for that sentence.

moral of this story? don't make way for ducklings. Canada Woman Stops for Ducks; Guilty in 2 Deaths http://t.co/pkUhf1jj2j via @ABC

— Betsy Klein (@betsy_klein) June 21, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

A guy inserted his dog into a classic "Jurassic Park" scene and he deserves to make a fortune off of it.

June 22, 2014, 10:14 am

≫ Next: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 22, 2014

≪ Previous: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 21, 2014

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Take me to this park immediately.

Today's entry into the canon of "Dumb Projects We're So Glad People Followed Through On" is called "Wally Jurassic Park." The 15-second clip is the product of one dog-owner thinking to himself, "I should put my dog into a much-beloved scene from a much-beloved movie. That's what I should do."

And dammit, that's what he did.

He was so preoccupied with whether he could, he didn't stop to think if he should. And he should, he totally should.

(by Bob Powers)

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 22, 2014

June 22, 2014, 12:50 pm

≫ Next: Work release.

≪ Previous: A guy inserted his dog into a classic "Jurassic Park" scene and he deserves to make a fortune off of it.

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1. Soon-To-Be-Former Pope Excommunicates All Mafiosi From The Catholic Church

Pope Francis yesterday issued a condemnation against all members of the mafia, stating that such criminals "are not in communion with God. They are excommunicated." He was a pretty cool Pope while he lasted, wasn't he?

BREAKING: Pope excommunicates Italian mafia, wakes up to find altar boy's head in bed.

— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) June 22, 2014

2. Hank Paulson Uses His Vast Knowledge Of Crashing World Economies To Explain Climate Change

Writing for the New York Times op-ed page, former U.S. Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson—on whom many people place a great deal of blame for the economic crash of the late-aughts—decided to draw comparisons between massive economic ruin and massive environmental ruin. "Looking back at the dark days of the financial crisis in 2008, it is easy to see the similarities between the financial crisis and the climate challenge we now face." Honorable as his intentions may be, it appears that Congress is dead-set on following the same head-in-the-sand approach that worked so well for us all six years ago, as Jon Stewart points out here: 

"If climate change is real then why are gays trying to take my guns?" - FOX News anchor having a seizure

— Jamie Kilstein (@jamiekilstein) June 18, 2014

3. Lady Married To Sexy Mugshot Guy Is Surprisingly Not-Thrilled With Half The World Masturbating To Him

Believe it or not, the wife of Jeremy Meeks—that superhot convict guy whom all of your female, gay and sexually adventurous male friends have been melting over lately—is not particularly happy about all the attention that her ridiculously photogenic husband has been receiving during his time in jail. "Her man is in there and people are taking it as a joke, thinking it’s funny talking about his looks, saying all kinds of crazy things," a friend of hers told CBS Sacramento.

Come along, Hot Mugshot guy, you'll be sharing a display with the Golden Voiced Homeless Man in the Museum of Fleeting Amusements.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) June 20, 2014

4. White House Creates Special Task Force To Try To Convince The Bees To Not Leave Us Alone To Die

The White House has set up a special task force to figure out how to reverse the continuing decline in bee populations that is threatening the nation's agriculture industry. Hopefully, it won't be the same people who were responsible for the Obamacare roll-out earlier this year. It'd be a shame to see the bee populations crash even further.

We know the bees are disappearing, and we know that would fuck us over, but all we've done about it is make a shitty Mark Wahlberg movie.

— Avery Edison (@aedison) June 15, 2014

5. Putting Butter In Coffee Is The Latest Trend, Because We're Apparently Running Out Of Non-Ridiculous Trends

You may have noticed a lot of energy-seeking, highly credulous people stirring spoonfuls of butter and coconut oil into their morning coffee recently. In addition to being yet another excuse to add butter to our daily diets, it's part of the newest "fitness" craze called Bulletproof coffee, which was introduced to U.S. consumers by a health guru who drank some coffee filled with yak butter while in Tibet. So, clearly, it's on the level.

I'm convinced that bulletproof coffee may very well be one of the greatest of human achievements. #yesthankyoumoreplease@bulletproofexec

— Shailene Woodley (@shailenewoodley) October 10, 2013

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Work release.

June 23, 2014, 5:00 am

≫ Next: This Irish PSA is either really messed up or really funny depending on the type of person you are.

≪ Previous: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 22, 2014

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