It's almost as if kids have a tiny internal monitor to ensure you feel maximum guilt about leaving them with a babysitter or at daycare. Whether your kid is clinging to you for dear life or couldn't care less that you're leaving, saying "bye-bye" sucks. Every child is different, but most parents experience at least some of the stages of drop-offs below.
Stage 1: "Why are you abandoning me?"
The first time you drop off your kid in a new environment or leave them with a new sitter, expect some tears. You may not expect the look of sheer terror, the gut-wrenching wailing, or being clung to like you're floating wreckage in a shipwreck. Literally peeling your child's arms and legs off of you so you can leave her is a fun parenting milestone.
Stage 2: "You can't leave if I cry so loud you can't say goodbye."
If your child releases her grip but cries loudly and long enough to make the neighbors wonder if they should call 911, you're in Stage 2. And it's not just volume: your child will cry in inventive new ways you've never seen before—trembling chin, wet cheeks, eyes full of pain and sadness. Good luck walking away!
Stage 3: "I like toys, but I hate you."
After a few trips to daycare, your child will begin to realize that it's actually pretty fun to go somewhere with other babies and new toys. She'll turn her feelings of resentment toward the real culprit: you. Still expect some whining when you leave, but it's when you're back together in the evening that your child will start punishing you by clinging annoyingly or pushing you away.
Stage 4: "Time to up the whimpering again just to make you nervous."
Once you've been lured into into a false sense of security that future drop-offs will be easy, your child will rub her chubby little hands together and murmur, Excellent, Mr. Burns-style. It's time for Stage 4: your kid once again starts acting like she's never seen Miss Alicia before, yet only she knows this cuddly daycare provider is actually a cold-blooded murderer. Expect this stage to last between one day and 52 weeks.
Stage 5: "Bye Felicia."
You did it! Your kid now loves daycare or her sitter so much she skips happily away when the time comes, as if to say, You want me to go have fun with my friends? Well, fine. F*** you, Mom. Time to go spend an hour commuting and then cry into your keyboard.
Demi Lovato has appeared to have traded her signature dark locks for some platinum blonde hair, because screw the convention of dyeing your hair darker for the fall and winter.
The "Confident" singer posted an Instagram of her significantly lighter hair with the caption "Goldie Locks 💛". It's almost unfair how well she pulls it off.
However, you may not see a ton of Demi and her blonde hair this coming year. The singer announced that come 2017, she is planning on taking a break from the industry.
So excited for 2017. Taking a break from music and the spotlight.. I am not meant for this business and the media 👋🏼
Election Day is drawing ever nearer, and Sunday night's episode of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver featured more election coverage, this time focusing on third party candidates. Because so many Americans dislike both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump so much, third party candidates like Gary Johnson and Jill Stein have become increasingly attractive, especially to young voters. Dismissing the idea that voting for a third party candidate simply siphons votes away from the two main candidates, Oliver goes about explaining why both Johnson and Stein are cuckoo bananas, too.
Stein, for example, has been pretty wishy-washy about her stance on the safety of vaccines (and she's a doctor, for God's sake) and might not not be a 9/11 Truther. Johnson, for his part, has no idea about the intricacies of the tax program he's proposing, no plan for addressing global warming, and may or may not have humped Mount Everest.
That said, it's important to remember to get out there and vote for the candidate that you hate the least, and here's hoping America will last another four years until the next election.
The comedian/movie star/social media lightning rod called the Republican nominee an "orange, sexual-assaulting, fake- college-starting monster," and the Trump supporters so vehemently against political correctness just found it to be "too much."
The Times explains:
She made it clear she doesn’t understand how people can support Trump. At one point she asked for a Trump supporter — preferably one with sleeves, she she told security personnel — to join her up on stage to explain their enthusiasm for Trump. One fellow did, but he said he was voted for Trump mainly because doesn’t trust Clinton. When some audience members booed, the actor and comedian invited them to leave and also asked security to remove anyone booing.
"I don't want to hear that. We wanted to have a good night without distractions with the politics," former audience member Bryon Nfinger told the paper.
"It's a bit much," his wife, Chrissy Nfinger, added.
People took to Twitter to explain their shock that a comedian was talking about politics.
Hey @amyschumer leave the political stuff out of your comedy shows. We came to laugh not talk politics. We can turn On CNN and NBC for that😊
At another point in her act, she started talking about sexual assault, which meant a lot to survivors, which many Trump-loving lightweights just couldn't handle.
At @amyschumer's show tonight, she asked the sexually assaulted to stand up together. It was the least alone I've ever felt. Thank you.
Amy Schumer asked all sexual assault survivors to stand up in audience and people left. Powerful moment & DISGUSTED at the walkouts. pic.twitter.com/Alkl92X2Us
In a new interview with The Sun, a bodyguard who spent 18 months protecting Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and their six kids is dishing dirt on the recently decoupled celebrity couple. Mark "Billy" Billingham, a decorated veteran of the UK's Special Air Service, says he was involved in every aspect of the family's life, keeping the famous parents from embarrassing themselves in public, while also acting as a surrogate father for their children. In particular, he is more than willing to brag about his relationship with the kids.
Angie and Brad are very worried about who goes near their children. It was clear from the start we had a great chemistry and they trusted me with the kids. We got very close, I was living with them all the time. I could take the kids anywhere I wanted to on my own. No one else was allowed to do that. Even when I wanted to bring in extra people, they wouldn’t let any of those near the kids. They could look out for them from a distance but they couldn’t physically touch them. I took them swimming. I fathered them, basically.
"Fathered" is really the wrong word to use. He could have just said he "raised" them.
In the interview, Billingham also tells tales about the couple's lack of "common sense," a result of living in the bubble of fame for so many years. They would constantly ask him for help with directions and other simple tasks, almost as if he worked for them and it was his job.
Like helpless babies.
Billingham is currently appearing on SAS: Who Dares Wins, a reality survival show featuring UK veterans. The Sun asked him if he thought Brangelina could handle the show.
Brad wouldn’t last long because he wouldn’t have any cream to put on his face. It would be too sweaty and uncomfortable for him. He’s too pretty! But Angie could do it. She’d probably be the only one with balls at the end. She would stick it out.
A photo posted by Matthew Lewis (@mattdavelewis) on
Why are they together? Are Matthew Lewis and Millie Bobby Brown filming something? Are they meeting up for a British-actors-who-will-never-rise-past-their-iconic-character cabal meeting? And if so, where's the president of the society, Daniel Radcliffe?
This also does nothing to explain how Matthew Lewis became a post-wizarding sex symbol, or what his tattoo really means—since he's had it long beforeStranger Things became a hit on Netflix.
"A lot of people ask what my tattoo means," wrote Lewis in the tantalizing photo caption. "Now you know."
The second installment of in the Fifty Shades Of Grey movie franchise, Fifty Shades Darker, is set to be released in February 2017, and rumor has it that this time, things could get awkward. (Well, even more awkward than before.) According toDeadline, marketing materials for the new film are going to involve virtual reality. Yep. Might want to avoid watching those with Mom.
Fifty Shades Darker director James Foley told Deadline that the marketing materials involve virtual reality versions of scenes from the film. "...After we finished shooting for the day, the actors would stay over and VR people would re-create a facsimile of the scene,” he said.
You know, just in case it wasn't uncomfortable enough to watch those sexy scenes with your friends and family, now you'll be able to watch them with a high tech, 360-degree view. So much better!
Though Foley says he believes that eventually "cinema is going to move to VR because it’s an extension of the visual language," the technology wasn't available to use VR in the actual film, and probably won't even be available in time for the franchise's third installment, Fifty Shades Freed, which is set to be released in 2018.
"This all needs to be reinvented," Foley said of transitioning from traditional cinema to virtual reality.
You can watch the trailer for the regular old Fifty Shades Darker movie below. (We still wouldn't recommend seeing it with your mom.)
Azealia Banks has accused actor Russell Crowe of choking her, spitting on her, and calling her the n-word before ejecting her from a party he threw in his hotel suite over the weekend. Doesn't Banks know that nothing good happens in Russell Crowe's hotel rooms?
This is what Banks said in a now-deleted Facebook post (via Billboard).
To recap my night, I went to a [party] at Russell crows suite, at which he called me a n*****, choked me, and threw me out and spat at me.
Last night was one of the hardest nights of sleep I've had in a long time.
The men in the room allowed it to happen. I feel terrible today.
Billboard is reporting that the rapper attended a small dinner party of about 10 people in Crowe's hotel suite as Wu-Tang Clan rapper RZA's plus one. This already sounds like the weirdest party ever.
However, a conflicting report from TMZ that say Banks was thrown out by Crowe after she allegedly threatened to cut the party guests with a broken glass. Which one of these notoriously badly-behaved celebrities are we to believe?
According to TMZ, the trouble started when Banks made fun of Crowe's taste in music and insulted a few of the party guests by calling them "boring white men." When someone called out her behavior, Banks allegedly said, "You would love it if I broke my glass, stabbed you guys in the throat, and blood would squirt everywhere like some real Tarantino s***." She then cocked back her glass, prompting Crowe to wrap her in a "bear hug" to get her from the room. Hotel security then removed her from the premises.
However, Banks claims she has proof that her account of the story was correct.
5. Amy Schumer, because hundreds of right-wingers walked out of her show when she went after Trump.
Amy Schumer may have started her career as a club comic known for slinging out expertly-crafted blowjob jokes, but these days she's a major media figure who uses her platform to get political and spread awareness of real issues like sexual assault. Unfortunately, the audience at her show in Tampa on Sunday didn't know that.
Asking a comedian not to talk about Trump is like asking a bird not to sing.
The Tampa Bay Times reports that about 200 audience members started booing when Schumer began laying into Donald Trump, calling him an "orange, sexual-assaulting, fake-college-starting monster." The orange man's fans started booing her from the crowd, and Schumer asked security to allow one of them, "preferably one with sleeves," to come up onstage so she could interview him.
After that the booing increased, and Schumer invited everyone who was unhappy with her material to leave. So they did, by the hundreds. Afterward, many of them complained on social media.
Hey @amyschumer leave the political stuff out of your comedy shows. We came to laugh not talk politics. We can turn On CNN and NBC for that😊
Luisa Metallo has one thing wrong. In this election, turning on the news is the best way to get a laugh. No comedian can make up anything as funny as the crazy bullsh*t Trump actually says.
4. Apple CEO Tim Cook, because his self-driving car just drove into the sunset.
Sometimes it seems like the Apple/industrial complex is unstoppable. It's the most profitable company in the world, and its products are coveted in every corner of the globe. And unlike Samsung, its phones don't explode. But occasionally, there's a reminder that the nerd-gods of Apple can build a rock so big they can't move it. Case in point: the self-driving car.
Every time Tim Cook fails, he has to prostrate himself in front of his Steve Jobs shrine.
Bloomberg reports that Apple's self-driving car program (the modestly-named Project Titan) has been gutted, with hundreds of its formerly 1,000 employees reassigned or laid off in recent months. Now it seems like the dream of an iCar is dead. Instead, the company will focus on making self-driving software to sell to auto manufacturers. That's a big downgrade from the dream of a slick, shiny, Apple-produced car with no headphone jack.
So how does Tim Cook feel about this disappointing development? We'll ask him if we can get a reporter inside the hyperbaric chamber deep within his Decision Yacht.
3. Beyoncé, because her earring got ripped out onstage.
If you've ever doubted what a warrior goddess queen Beyoncé is, look at this bloody moment and let your doubts disappear.
Beyoncé's earring got caught on her long braid and ripped her earlobe on stage, but she kept on performing!👏pic.twitter.com/rM3m6XSmcc
She wiped away the blood! Just like she wiped away Jay Z's cheating and made Lemonade. You can't hurt Bey. She just absorbs the pain and turns it into money.
This clip comes from Ms. Knowle's performance at a Tidal event in Brooklyn on Saturday. One of her complicated earrings got caught in her complicated braid and was ripped out of her ear. But she didn't stop singing, or wince, or react in any way to reveal that she had been injured. For her, the music is everything.
Long live Queen Bey. Literally. I don't think it's possible for her to die.
2. This woman whose tiny house was stolen.
Malinda Crichton is one of many people who jumped on the tiny house craze of the past few years. This self-employed musician sought to build her own itty-bitty, mobile home to avoid the hassle of rent and mortgage (and plumbing). But just when her human dollhouse was almost finished, she came home last week and found that her dream, and her house, had been stolen.
Luckily, Crichton found her home shortly after it was lifted. It turns out that tiny homes may be easy to steal (especially when they're only protected by a tiny padlock), but they're not so easy to hide. The home was stashed in a parking lot near where it had been taken.
Who could be the culprit? Another singer enamored with the tiny house trend? Or her landlord, who just wanted the eyesore off his property? One thing is clear: if the perp is ever identified, like it or not, we'll hear a song about it.
1. A guy who "saved" his neighbor's dog from an imaginary house fire while high on LSD.
Does this look like the face of a man on LSD? Yes. Yes it does.
43-year-old Michael Orchard of Halfmoon, NY was found by police standing like a big hero outside his neighbor's house last Thursday afternoon, holding his neighbor's dog. He told them he had just saved the dog from a blazing house fire, and couldn't understand why no one else had thought to help, or call the fire department, or congratulate him. Because he didn't realize the house wasn't on fire. Because he was tripping balls.
Orchard had made the unwise decision of mixing LSD with cough syrup, and the resulting hallucination convinced him his neighbor's house was engulfed in flames. He ran around the neighborhood banging on doors, but nobody would help. So he did what he had to do. He drove his BMW through his neighbor's fence, broke into the house, and grabbed the dog.
He was charged with second-degree burglary and third-degree criminal mischief. His bail was set at $15,000. Is that any way to treat a dog-saving hero? Sure he was imagining it, but nobody can doubt this whacked-out acidhead is brave.
Rich Moore, a London man who may as well be from Florida, took out his fury on his ex-girlfriend's new lover.
And this guy really hated that dildo.
"She loved the dildo more than me," Moore told the Sun. "I bought it, it cost me £30."
The dildo, reportedly "one of those bullet ones," according to Moore, came to his renewed attention when he returned to their shared apartment to clean out his things.
"I was fed up," said Moore, not the first man to lose a sexual competition to a dildo.
His rage extended from the dildo to a pair of glasses, which Moore admits he "smashed." According to Moore's ex, those glasses cost something like £200 (about $240) although Moore says they were closer to £20.
"It's all so petty and a waste of taxpayers' money," he said.
Moore offered to pay for the dildo, but the dispute ended up in court anyway. Moore's out on bail for "criminal damage" until another hearing.
If you want to know what adults think about the election, just un-mute your Facebook feed, but if you want to know what children are thinking, ask their teachers. Here are 13 elementary school teachers who shared the funniest things they've overheard kids say about presidential nominees Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.
1. RagingFuckalot had a student who had a pretty good idea for a reality show.
2. Arugulaboogaloo has found a Trump labor force you can pay in juice boxes.
“They call us sexist just because we are critical of Hillary Clinton and her health,” Carl Unger of Montgomery, PA wrote, “What if that time of the month comes and she is sick at the same time?”
Somebody teach Carl about menopause, which happens between the ages of 45 and 55.
Hillary no longer menstruates, and even if she did, it wouldn't impair her judgment three-to-five days a month as much as Donald Trump's judgment is impaired all month long.
It looks like Delta refuses to give in and believe that black women can actually be doctors. After last week's debacle with Tamika Cross, you'd think they'd have learned their lesson, but sadly, you'd be wrong. On October 14, Dr. Ashley Denmark wrote about going through a similar ordeal on a Delta flight from Seattle to Hawaii.
About an hour into the flight, a flight attendant asked if there was a medical professional on board who could help an ailing passenger. Wanna guess what happened next?
When duty calls it calls- even if you are 30,000 feet in air. Without hesitation, I got out of my seat and made my way towards the front of the cabin where I was greeted by two Caucasian women and a delta flight attendant. I quickly asked “What’s going on?” Then I stated, “I’m a doctor. How can I help?” Immediately, I was greeted by puzzled looks from all three women. The flight attendant asked, “Are you a doctor?” to which I replied “Yes.” My response only left a more puzzled look on the attendant’s face. She turned around and began to talk to another flight attendant. I stood there in bewilderment because someone on the plane was in need of medical assistance and no one was escorting me to the passenger in need. Finally, one of the Caucasian passengers who came to assist spoke and stated her and the other passenger present to assist were both nurses. Then she asked, “Are you a doctor?” to which I responded “Yes” …..again. She immediately responded “Well you need credentials to show you are a medical professional.” I gave a funny look but, remained composed and quickly quipped “I have my hospital badge which should be enough.” At this time the flight attendant turned around to address us again. She inquired from the two nurses what field of medicine in which they worked. At this point, I had grown annoyed. I had been standing for four minutes and had yet to see the passenger needing medical assistance. I grew even more perplexed as time passed. Why was the flight attendant addressing the nurses if a doctor is present and able to assist a passenger in need of medical attention? I interrupted the flight attendant’s discussions with the two nurses and stated, “I have my hospital ID badge which shows I’m a physician.” The Delta flight attendant continued to look puzzled then stated, “We have two nurses here who came first. You can have seat now and we will let them handle it. If we need more help we will come and find you.” Wait a minute- stop the presses! What just happened?!?! I advised that I was a doctor who was licensed to provide medical care. Instead of being escorted to the passenger in need of help, I was directed to return to my seat and told that the two nurses could take care of the situation.
As Denmark was returning to her seat, it suddenly dawned on her that the simple explanation was that the crew didn't believe that she was a doctor. She continued:
Being a doctor is hard work. Your services are constantly needed, you have a never-ending stack of paperwork, very long work hours, you are constantly an emotional support for patients during their most trying times. But, being an African American doctor is many times harder with the adversity we face on frequent basis. We are constantly overlooked, questioned, doubted and find ourselves in situations where we are working twice as hard as other non-African American Doctors just to prove we are good enough to be called doctors. Well enough is enough. I feel it’s time to share the discrimination I have faced as an African American doctor. I’m sure I’m not alone and there are many other African American doctors like me who have endured discrimination in silence. Often time we have to face this adversity with class and grace- never breaking a sweat and holding in our frustration as people treat us unjustly all because of the color of our skin.
Seriously, Delta. You need to get it together. You should be better than this.
Queen Bey wants you—yes you—to get in formation and vote. In case you still needed a reason. At a benefit concert for the Robin Hood Foundation last night, produced by her ol' ball-and-chain Jay-Z, Bey took a moment to remind her fans why it's so important to rock the vote.
"We are not helpless. The fire is still burning. Please go out and vote this November," she said on stage. "Too many people have died and sacrificed so much for us to have our voice, we have to use it."
The crowd responds with massive applause. She then cited her mantra: "Get in formation. Let's use our voices to do something great for our children. God bless y'all."
This is the same concert where Bey's earring ripped out mid-performance and she kept singing even as she bled on stage. So the Queen knows a thing or two about making sacrifices.
Beyoncé has not officially endorsed a candidate. But we have a pretty good idea who she'll be voting for this November, and it's not the crotch-grabbing Oompa Loompa.
She's been dropping some hints that she's on Team Clinton since last year when she attended a Hillary Clinton fundraiser in NYC.
So if you're still waffling on who to vote for this election (looking at you, Ken Bone), just ask yourself: What Would Beyoncé Do? And proceed accordingly.
What a strange way to celebrate a friend's birthday: Chrissy Teigen Instagrammed a picture of her lounging around naked as husband John Legend's head tastefully covered her butt.
A photo posted by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on
It's not even a selfie, so someone was in the room as she seductively posed with her husband facing the opposite direction.
She captioned the photo "HAPPY BIRTHDAY @MARISAMXO !!!!" @MarisaMXO being her friend Marisa Martins. Hopefully Marisa got a gift other than this seemingly random Instagram.
Maybe she took the picture? Or is "Chrissy just schmoozes without clothes on" an inside joke?
The link between the Instagram's content and caption remains a mystery.
"Cause you n***** are so f*cking weak, y'all got the audacity to be intimidated by a bad motherf*cking queen and get your motherf*cking feelings hurt," Minaj talk-chanted over the crash of symbols.
"But it's O motherf*cking K, 'cause Barack needed a Michelle, bitch, and Bill needed a motherf*cking Hillary, bitch. You better pray to God you don't get stuck with a motherf*cking Melania!"
On Sunday morning, Nicki Minaj ended a beef with Melania Trump.
Wasn't "dragging". She seems nice. But a smart man knows he needs a certain "kind" of woman when running for President/attempting greatness https://t.co/S2PTIcOXuo
"She seems nice," Minaj tweeted, responding to claims that she was "dragging" (internet speak for "insulting") the first lady hopeful.
Still, she won't put Melania Trump in the same class of classy first ladies as Clinton and Obama. At least that's kind of mean?
Trump, for her part, seems completely unaware of Minaj's words. She never even had a chance to respond, and her husband was too busy blasting (internet speak for "being a baby about") SNL to take notice.
This sucks. A Trump-Minaj beef would have finally added some dramato this election.
In an age where dating apps and social media seem to be taking over the world, it can be hard to make genuine connections with other people that don't happen through a screen. A new social networking app called Real is trying to do things a little bit differently.
Like most apps designed to help you meet people, Real tries to connect people with similar interests. What sets Real apart is that it hopes to spark genuine, strictly platonic friendships. The app's 19-year-old founder Ocean Pleasant (who has the coolest name ever) says its lack of profile pictures and gender filters "sets the tone for 'just friends.'"
A photo posted by Real: Meet New Friends (@myrealapp) on
"Most social apps put a lot of emphasis on appearance-based judgments or gender exclusivity, whereas Real has no gender bias or sexual pretense," she told Teen Vogue.
Pleasant hopes the app's focus on fostering genuine friendships and getting people "out from behind the screen" to meet up and do things together will help people overcome feelings of isolation.
"We also want to challenge the stigma around loneliness and depression, [because] it can be really hard to meet people between work, school, and everything else that demands our attention," Pleasant said.
Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis welcomed baby number two on Tuesday. The baby girl, who the couple named Daisy Josephine Sudeikis, joins big brother Otis, who is two.
On Saturday, Wilde uploaded this picture of Daisy chillin' on a giant sheep cushion with the caption "There goes the neighborhood. Daisy Josephine Sudeikis. Born, like a boss, on#internationaldayofthegirl. ❤️"
It would make sense if Daisy inherited some of her mother's feminist sensibilities in utero. She has been quoted as saying that she is "raising a little feminist" when talking about her son, and has been a very outspoken on feminist issues for many years.
