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Some guy got attacked by a scorpion while trying to buy bananas at Walmart.

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A scorpion, very similar to the one that may or may
not be waiting to attack you when you least expect it.

Look, I don't mean to alarm you—and, you know, I probably shouldn't even bring this up—but I just wanted to let you know that there is a non-zero percent chance that the next time you reach into a big display of bananas at your local shopping center, you will be attacked by a scorpion.

Hey, hey, hey! Calm down. It's probably not going to happen to you. The odds are very, very low. But they are real. And we know this because it just happened to some guy in Pennsylvania who—much like you—assumed he would never find himself advanced upon by a venomous arachnid while attempting to buy fresh fruit.

"I yanked my arm out and flung it, and this scorpion flopped to the ground," the man who could just as easily have been you told KDKA. "I was standing there in disbelief looking and there was another shopper there and people started to converge, and sure enough it was a scorpion."

For the record, I have never found a single scorpion laying in wait inside a cheeseburger. I'm just saying.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)


E! made a Frankenstein monster of the 'perfect female celeb.'

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"Kill... me... Killllll... meeeeee..."

In the not-very-distant past, there was a conversation in E!'s digital editorial department that went something like this:

E! employee #1: I have an idea. Let's make a list of a whole bunch of female human beings and break them down into their component body parts and then invite thousands of members of the online public to cast their votes for the most favorable pieces. Then we will compile these selections into a single composite grotesquerie for the amusement of the people who frequent our website. 

E! employee #2: Yes. Let us dedicate many human hours to seeing this very noble project through to realization.

Granted, those probably aren't the exact words they used. But it had to have been something uncomfortably close to that. Otherwise, there is no way to explain the existence of this Photoshopped abomination:

(via E!)

I don't know what's more offensive: that E! thought it was acceptable to objectify women's body parts in such a way that your average serial killer would find creepy, or that Gabrielle Union somehow beat out Emily Blunt for best arms. I mean, come on! Am I right? 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

A young woman dubbed the "real-life Goldilocks" has been arrested in Florida.

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"Someone's been drinking my wine - and there she is!" (via)

If you like your fairytales with a little edge, then you'll enjoy the story of the young woman the Internet has dubbed the "real-life Goldilocks."

Chancy Layton was given the new moniker after a Florida couple came home late Saturday night to find her asleep on their couch wearing clothes that belonged to them. Unlike the three bears in the original tale, the St. Augustine homeowners threatened to call the cops after discovering that Layton had also helped herself to some of their food and wine. That's when the stranger on their couch grabbed some of her stuff and fled the scene, which might have been the end of the story if her passport hadn't been among the stuff she failed to grab.

Having identified her, the police found her a short while later wearing the couple's clothes. Layton told the cops that a friend she knew only as "Jeremy" had told her that the balcony door would be unlocked and the house would be empty. The reason Jeremy happened to know about the unlocked door was because he'd already broken into the house, stole some things and left it that way. Some friend.

Evidently, the exact hours the home would be empty was a bit of a grey area.

Layton was charged with burglary, petty theft and criminal mischief. Police said she was apologetic and wanted to return the clothing to the homeowner, which sounds like a nice gesture, but is probably not up to her at this point.

And that's the story of the real-life Goldilocks.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Painfully embarrassing cases of people who should have used spell-check before getting a tattoo.

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True. We're all just a bunch of imperfect nobodies in the grand scheme of things. 

You'd think people wouldn't sit in a chair and have permanent ink embedded in their skin without making absolutely, positively certain every letter of it was correct — but if you'd think, you wouldn't be these people. Part of us wishes every tattoo parlor could be immediately outfitted with a Dictionary, an AP Stylebook, and an up-to-date copy of Strunk and White's Elements of Style. But the other part of us knows that would deprive us of photos like these. If you've seen any egregious tattoo typos or, God forbid, have one of your own, please send it to us for our continued amusement.


And not long after that, spell-check. (Via) 


"Surender" your high school diploma, please. It's invalid.(Via)


We did not choose our tattoo typo. We where drunk.  (Via)



Then your wounds did what? (Via)


Updated 4/28/14:


No one will ever understand the bond they share or the tattoos they get. (via) 


My motto has always been, "Be pre-recorded!" (via)



Family should come first, but spelling shouldn't come quite so far behind. (via)



She should have resisted this. (via)



Is that like a fat infidel? (via)



At least he tride. (via)

Updated 2/20/14:


Sorry, but you fail the exam for your poetic license. (via)

 


It's sad that we're impressed your spelling mistake is easily fixed. (via)

 


Seems like something you could have just put in a card. (via)



She has a presh and pun look. (via)



My dad is my isosceles triangle. (via)



Good thing you're someone who can see the silver lining. (via)

Updated 1/16/14:


Took us a while to catch it, but luckily we were in no danger of the mistake going away. (via)

 


Uh oh. Your tattoo has a spelling mistake and also sucks. (via)

 


The best place for a spelling mistake is somewhere you can grow hair over. (via)

 


Fine, just stop breath-ing so loud! (via)

 


Verily, God is great. (via)

 


An accident or a really weird pun? You decide. (via)

Updated 11/22/13:


Including all of the limbs you've destroyed.

 


You know, like molasses or something.

 


That's awkward because I'm judging you right now.

 


Fine, maybe one, tiny regert.

 


Well, you're a poor speller.

 


In this case, that's up for debate.

Updated 10/2/13:


Well, you're genuinely something, anyway.

 


There's really no point in looking back once you've done something like this.

 


On the other hand, weigh your dicisions carefully.

 


I believe you're looking for the word "perfecter."

 


Oh shit, that stawberry's pissed! He just saw a meln running off with his buberry!

 


Like socks.

Updated 8/13/13:


And the wisdom to spell "difference."

 


Is that the British spelling?

 


All a chive needs to do is believe in itself and it can garnish anything!

 


But this tattoo will never, ever be better.

 


Man, raisins again? And I forgot my darn umbrella.

 


And if you can't find one, just think about the fact this person has to live with this forever.

Updated 7/17/13:


There are other measures of success, sir.

 


Even guardian angels can't save this person from herself.

 


But ever so slightly above that: spell-check.

 


It's from First Corinthians Book One.

 


#regret will help you find other things people are regretting!

 


You're never fully an adult until you know the difference between "your" and "you're."

 

Updated 6/17/13:


Sadly, this tattoo will never get better.

 


Does anyonehave the streangth to overcome this?

 


Hey, if you're flawed to begin with, no harm adding a flawed tattoo here and there.

 


And on the 9th day, God was like, "Hang on, that should be 'infantry.'"

 


His perfect match would be a Sajittarius, but he'll end up marrying a Lio.

 


But if your smart, you'll stay away from this nightmare.

Updated 5/16/13:


Well, how do YOU abbreviate "promenade?"

 


You're going to get a lot of the same comments.

 


Lol. It's just an epitaph I wear on my body forever. NBD!

 


...and verb tenses that don't correspond to pluralities.

 


Betting we're better than you at one thing.

 


No time to check spelling. Let's live!

 


So life life to the fullest.

 


Misspelling is the tastiest alcohol.

Updated 4/17/13:


Whereever - when you don't know where you're going but it sounds really fun. Whee!



Did your parents fail to mention it's spelled "Orlando"? Hmm? Burn? No?
 


More like they RAWRley make history. Sorry, we meant to spell that RAWRely.
 


But mostly, dambed if you're dumb.
 


We wonder which one you r.
 


And old enough to make horrible mistakes.

 


Cotton Mather, from the Salem Witch Trials? But you'd be 321 years old... witchboy!
 


No, it won't. That's the point of tattoos.
 


Finally, the feel-good tattoo mispelling of the millenium!
 


Ledgend (n.) - Any great story told about Heath Ledger.
 


...FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

Updated 1/04/13:


That's why Corey wears his sunglasses at night: because he's crying over her.
 


We all eagerly await the Day of Fudgement.
 


The spelling of tragedy may be wrong, but they nailed its definition.

 


This reminds us of how Lance Armstong turned all of our LiveStong into badges of shame.
 


It's nice when people really exemplify the meaning of their tattoos.

 


You have to know how to draw letters terribly before you can misspell "you're."
 


...and maybe nobody will notice your mistake.

 


Yeah, do that road. Do it real good.
 


That's it. We're never not giving up right now.
 


Too busy to spell "too."
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4-year-old girl ruins robbery plot for the worst babysitter ever.

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As smart and adorable as her babysitter is horrible and racist. (Via Q13Fox.com)

There are bad babysitters, and then there are babysitters who stage a home invasion of your house and try to blame it on the black guy next door. Luckily, that latter babysitter is no match for a smart four-year-old with eyes.

Last Wednesday, 4-year-old Abby was in her Ferndale, WA home with her 17-year-old babysitter when a couple of white dudes broke in and started stealing stuff, including Abby's Xbox and her Wii (yup, 4-year-olds are going multi-console now). To reiterate, though, they were robbed by a couple white dudes. Abby saw them.

When police arrived later, the babysitter told them that the home invaders were black, one of whom happened to look just like the next-door neighbor. That sent the cops next door with guns drawn to investigate.

Abby called bullshit.

"It wasn't the right skin color," she told police. Unfortunately, they didn't get the message before handcuffing neighbor Cody Oaks and questioning him for several hours. 

Once Abby blew holes in the story, the babysitter quickly confessed that she'd orchestrated the whole thing with her 16-year-old boyfriend, one of the invaders.

"She's not a good babysitter." Abby has a gift for understatement.

The babysitter will likely have trouble getting a good reference for future employment. Though if Abby didn't recognize her boyfriend straight away, she at least wasn't bringing him over for make-out sessions. If you prefer robbery to teenagers boning on your couch, this sitter is probably available (pending bail).

(by Bob Powers)

10 Unspoken Rules Every Internet User Should Know

Stephen King wrote a novel with the same title as a young author, so she's spending all his money.

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I just Googled it, and there is an Ikea in Portland, ME. Get on it, King.

When it comes to picking a name for your novel, it's a good idea not to give it the same title as a Stephen King novel, because Stephen King is way more famous than you are. If it happens the other way around, however, that could be kind of awesome.

Brooklyn-based author Emily Schultz published her first novel eight years ago, entitled Joyland. Recently, literary giant and cash machine Stephen King put out a novel by the same name. You can imagine what happened next on places like Amazon.com: people started accidentally buying Schultz' book, particularly the e-book version.


Joette Freeland: kind of a jerk (1 star for "a little boring"?), but at least aware.

At first, Schultz was pissed because these same people would then leave angry reviews. Not that they had anyone else to blame for not reading the screen and buying the wrong product, but they were angry nonetheless, and angry people are not what you want on your Amazon reviews page. She tried to get Amazon to fix the situation, but they didn't seem to care much or respond at all.


Get a few more fog machines in there, and he'll love it.

Then, Schultz started getting royalty checks (which she described as being "for me, big") from all those dumb-dumbs buying the wrong book. Suddenly, Schultz cared a little less. She felt slightly bad about spending money meant for Stephen King, though, so she started a blog detailing where all the money was going, and whether or not she thought Mr. King would enjoy it. 


Someone challenged Stephen King to write better women...and he wrote Carrie.
I am never challenging Stephen King to anything. That is terrifying.

Apparently, he's getting a kick out of the whole thing, and has decided to buy her book.


I'm sure he appreciates the return of the dozens of cents he'll receive for that book.

The moral of the story? Don't worry about the content of your novel—just pick a really catchy title and hope an author with a huge following of typo-prone fans writes something with the same name. In today's book business, that's probably not bad advice.

(by Johnny McNulty)

This English soccer fan's sign expresses his World Cup heartbreak.

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Define "ambiance?" (via)

England won't win the World Cup, but at least they haven't lost their sense of humor. This sign posted to reddit today sums up (literally) the expensive heartbreak felt by thousands of English soccer (futball, football light) fans, whose dreams of World Cup glory were over before they'd finished packing their bags.

The guy's sign was seen by TV viewers around the world, which might've softened the blow of having his team ousted after two games, if only it had been spelled correctly. At this point, you'd think an England fan would be pretty familiar with "elimination."

(by Jonathan Corbett)


Settling for someone.

Keeping tabs.

I got 99 problems and they're all Mike in Accounting.

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Jon WursterWed, 25 Jun 2014 09:00:40 EDT

I got 99 problems and they're all Mike in Accounting.

Teens' auto theft foiled because they can't drive stick.

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Next time, she's kicking some ass. (via KOMO)

70-year-old Seattle resident Nancy Fredrickson was grabbing a garage sale find from the trunk of her 9-year-old car when three teens approached her, one with a gun pointed at her face.

In her interview with KOMO, Fredreickson describes the moment, "He goes 'I want your keys' and I thought it was a joke!"

Nobody who goes to the trouble of committing armed robbery for a 4-door Kia has time for jokes. 

When she realized they weren't kidding around, she said she froze up and threw her keys to the ground. 

The teens had almost committed the perfect crime of stealing an old lady's car, but they were held up by one little thing: they never learned to drive stick. 

"I got a 5-speed in there, and they couldn't figure out how to get it going," Fredrickson said.

The suspects ran away through a nearby parking lot and authorities never caught up with them, but if Fredrickson ever does see them again, they're in trouble. Apparently, she is has a black belt in karate and has mastered "the chop."


Ki-yah! (via KOMO)

(by Myka Fox)

This White House intern fainting is literally the most interesting thing that's ever happened on C-SPAN.

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Somebody suddenly realizes she's on C-SPAN.

If you're a regular C-SPAN viewer and you weren't watching new White House press secretary Josh Earnest's briefing yesterday afternoon, then I'm sorry to tell you this, but you missed the first interesting thing that's happened on that channel since it was launched in 1979. A brand-new, first-day-on-the-job White House intern (who, fyi, is totally fine) randomly fainted live on the air while Earnest was talking about "an ongoing process that relates to the drafting of an executive order that would take the kinds of steps that the President"... Zzzzzzzzzzzz...

Whoa! Sorry. What just happened? I was just explaining that that Earnest was— You know what? Never mind. It's probably best if I don't get into the details of the briefing. Just watch the video. It's short and safe for viewing:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

The Federal Student Aid agency used their first tweet to insult anyone who uses student aid.

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Help us, we're idiots.

As far as first tweets go, this entry from the Federal Student Aid office can at least claim success in the "generating buzz" department. Unfortunately, that buzz is the kind you hear when a beehive falls on your head, because the people who run the Twitter account for FAFSA (the Free Application for Federal Student Aid—something most people who can't pay for college with their pocket money fill out) have less common sense than the 18-year-olds they're supposed to be helping. People were not happy.

Insulting the poor is always a bad idea, calling the majority of Americans poor is a bad idea, letting a government agency use memes is always a bad idea, and doing all three at the same time on a government agency's Twitter account is definitely, 100%, absolutely not going to turn out well for anyone (who doesn't get their kicks from watching authority flounder on social media). Federal Student Aid deleted their tweet, which, you know, is something that totally works in these situations:

There are probably a few people (formerly) working in the Federal Student Aid office who should think about going back to school. Fortunately, the FAFSA is free and easy to fill out online, and they don't even need to worry about the fact that they now most likely have no income after having insulted millions of Americans on Twitter.

Making matters worse for any former FAFSA employees, now their applications will be even longer because they'll have to write out the "have you ever been suspended (from social media)?" question. 

I should point out that the FAFSA is a legitimately great resource for finding all kinds of student aid, and you should absolutely use it at all levels of poverty below "the library is named after my family."

(by Johnny McNulty)

Big responsibility.


If Hollywood Clichés Had Stars On The Walk Of Fame

Unstoppable Florida woman breaks free from handcuffs to eat weed evidence in the back of a cop car.

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Snack time. (via WPLG)

I couldn't be more proud of Tavish Smith if she were my own mom who slipped out of handcuffs in the back of a police car so that she could eat the sandwich bag full of weed that had been found in the truck she had crashed twice while drunk-driving the wrong way down US-1. 

As evidenced by the WPLG report, Florida local Smith was in great spirits for a woman who had been drinking great spirits. Despite facing some serious consequences for the numerous crimes she'd been caught doing, she was laughing and joking with her arresting officer the whole time, even as he catches her out of her cuffs. 

"I'm sorry, I'm staying in them!" she laughs.

She wasn't just trying to scratch her nose, though she did that, too. She made a snap decision to destroy some of the evidence, so when the officer stepped away, Smith grabbed what had been referred (reeferred?) to as the "good ol' mary-ja-wanna" from the front seat of the squad car and gobbled it up like it was her first case of the munchies. You gotta hand it to her for making the attempt -- no body, no crime -- but, unfortunately for her, the whole thing was caught on videotape. 

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player

"Bags of weed just don't go missing inside a police car," said the trooper.

That's right. They usually stay in place until the cops can get a chance to smoke it themselves

She was only going to be charged with misdemeanor crimes of minor hit-and-run, DUI, and marijuana possession, but tampering with the evidence bumped things up to the felony level.

Smith posted bond and has been released from jail, though it's doubtful any facility could hold her anyway.

(by Myka Fox)

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 25, 2014

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1. This Is How World War III Begins — North Korea Calls Seth Rogen-James Franco Movie An 'Act Of War'

In case you're wondering which absurd little piece of straw was going to be the one to finally break the mighty back of human civilization, the smart money seems to be on North Korea's continued indignation over the upcoming Seth Rogen-James Franco film The Interview, in which their characters attempt to assassinate Kim Jong-un. Ratcheting up from the official condemnation the country issued a few days ago, a North Korean spokesperson is now threatening retaliation if the comedy is released to theaters, saying: "Making and releasing a movie on a plot to hurt our top-level leadership is the most blatant act of terrorism and war and will absolutely not be tolerated."


2. George Lucas To Build $1 Billion Museum In Chicago Before He Eventually Rebuilds It In A Couple Years

Star Wars creator George Lucas has announced plans to build a $1 billion museum full of his personal collection of art, animation and film memorabilia in Chicago. It is assumed, based upon our prior understanding of his projects, that he will shortly thereafter begin inserting digitally rendered turd-headed monsters into the Midwest city. 


3. Diane Sawyer Stepping Down As Anchor Of Nightly News Show That Apparently Some People Still Watch

Believe it or not, some people still get their news from shows like ABC's World News. Those people will probably be interested to learn that Diane Sawyer has decided to step down from her five-year position as anchor of that program. So, if you see any of those people, let them know, because they'll be completely in the dark until around 5:30 tonight.


4. FAA To Outlaw Drones That Aren't Used For Killing People

Federal Aviation Administration is set to ban the use of package delivery drones, such as those announced recently by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. If nothing else, this decision should at least alleviate confusion for villages full of innocent people who see small unmanned aircraft heading their way. 


5. SCOTUS Wants You To Get Your TV Shows The Old Fashioned Way — By Pirating

In an historic decision, the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled against the creatively quasi-legal cloud-based antennae and DVD system known as Aereo, thus sending a clear message to consumers seeking to watch broadcast television programs without paying for cable services: Just outright pirate them the same way you do with Game of Thrones.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

The 'Game Of Thrones' season continues with this very important addition to the series, 'The Pugs Of Westeros.'

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Finally, they're doing it like it was in the books!

Sad and dizzy with bloodlust since Thrones ended for the season? Get your fix in the wrinkliest way with this clip from Blinkbox, "The Pugs Of Westeros." 

I never realized just how much sadness a pug's eyes could convey until I saw Pug Ned Stark.


It's okay little guy. Pug Arya gets her pug eyes covered.

Blinkbox put this clip together to herald the release of Season 4 on Blinkbox (in the UK). Here's hoping Pug Oberyn is less cocky than his human counterpart.

(by Bob Powers)

Needed break.

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