Article 14
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What to do with your breasts now that 'Vogue' says they're no longer fashionable.
I've got bad news for some of you ladies—according to fashion bible Vogue, cleavage is no longer in style, so you're going to need to be as flat-chested as possible. For a lot of women, this is absolutely impossible, since wearing any bra with any article of clothing at all save perhaps a turtleneck still results in cleavage. For you women, I say: get rid of them. Unburden yourself! But once you've unsnapped them from your chest, what are you going to do with them? Your closet's most likely pretty full, and there's probably not a lot of available space in your dresser drawers, either. So instead, here a few ideas for what you can do with your disembodied boobs until this no-cleavage fad passes and it's safe to put them on again.
1. Save money on decorative gourds by using your breasts as table centerpieces.
Thanksgiving is coming up and if you, like me, are tired of the same old cornucopia full of bountiful harvest nonsense, toss your boobs onto the table, surround them with a few candles or whatever bullshit—voilà! A classy set up that'll definitely wow your family and friends.
2. Two words: kitten pillows!
3. Loan them to someone who really wants them.
That unsightly cleavage that your female shape naturally produces in clothing might not be desirable in the world of fashion right now, but some ladies with small boobs might appreciate the chance to walk a mile in another woman's rack.
4. Place them under birds' nests so if the babies fall out, they just bounce.
5. Bind those bad boys.
Want to stop having cleavage, but afraid if you take breasts off you might lose them? Easy—head on over to a hardware store and grab yourself some duct tape. That oughta take care of those bad boys until a fashion magazine deems them acceptable again. Sounds comfortable, right?
6. Shipping something breakable? Breasts make for great packing material.
7. You know what they're the perfect size for? Pin cushions.
8. Wear them anyway.
Go ahead, you've earned it! Want to keep right on being a human female with un-tiny breasts? Using them for something important like feeding a growing human? Dare to be different, and let your breast flag fly.
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Gisele Bündchen gave away her kids' Halloween candy for a very suspicious reason.
Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady's kids have more self-control than most full-grown adults, at least according to their mom. Bündchen said they wanted only "one bite" of their Halloween candy before they let her give the rest away. Children of a supermodel and an NFL player: they're nothing like us! Either that or Bündchen doesn't know the whole truth about her kids' candy intake, because this all sounds very suspicious.
During an appearance at the grand opening of the Under Armour Boston Brand House in the Prudential Center last night, the supermodel mom explained that her kids, Benjamin and Vivian, who dressed as Super Mario (see below) and a pony, were unimpressed with their Halloween candy. “So I told them if they didn’t like it I was going to give it away to other kids and they actually let me give their candy away,” she said.
I don't understand. What child only wants one bite of candy? Something smells Swedish fishy.
The power couple, in general, keep their household candy-free, which makes sense given their respective careers. "We don’t really have that kind of sugar in our house,” Bündchen told People.“I let them try one (piece), but they really only had one bite and then they didn’t want it anymore.”
Growing up, I knew kids whose parents didn't let them eat their Halloween candy, so they would just scarf it all down before their parents could get their hands on it or hide it under their mattresses. My bet is that the Brady kids have enough candy hidden under their mattresses to last them until next October. Nice try, Gisele.
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Leaked chapter of Megyn Kelly's memoir details months of harassment by Roger Ailes.
The folks at RadarOnlinereportedly have obtained an advance copy of Megyn Kelly's upcoming memoir Settle for More, in which she discusses the months of sexual harassment she endured from ex-Fox News chief and ex-Trump BFFRoger Ailes.
Ailes was recently ousted from the network (with, um, a $40 million severance) amidst sexual harassment lawsuits, and Kelly discussed his alleged "intense campaign" to silence women.
Kelly alleges in the book that she began being harassed by Ailes in the summer of 2005, after she was hired as a legal correspondent in the Washington bureau.
Radar reports:
“Roger began pushing the limits,” she alleges. “There was a pattern to his behavior. I would be called into Roger’s office, he would shut the door, and over the next hour or two, he would engage in a kind of cat-and-mouse game with me — veering between obviously inappropriate sexually charged comments (e.g. about the ‘very sexy bras’ I must have and how he’d like to see me in them) and legitimate professional advice.”
She writes that Ailes explicitly offered to advance her career “in exchange for sexual favors,” and he kept trying "physical advances" though she rejected "every single one."
A particularly scary episode came in January 2006, when Ailes allegedly “crossed a new line — trying to grab me repeatedly and kiss me on the lips," she claims.
When she pushed him away, “he asked me an ominous question: ‘When is your contract up?’ And then, for the third time, he tried to kiss me.”
Kelly has become a bipartisan feminist hero this election cycle. In addition to telling the truth about Ailes, she took on Newt Gingrich in a live showdown.
Gingrich was not only gross, but showed the extent to which men don't understand what sexual assault and fail to see how the crime is a matter of public policy.
Keep Kellying, Kelly.
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Article 10
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Comedy wizard Dana Carvey nails 17 celebrity 'micro-impressions' in 2 minutes.
Is Dana Carvey a comedian or a wizard? It's tough to say. I think he's a little of both. You have to have some sort of magical powers to be as good as he is at impressions. Carvey was on Howard Stern recently to promote his new Netflix special, Straight White Male, 60. He told Howard that he's started doing short celebrity "micro-impressions" in an attempt to amuse himself. And then, of course, he proceeded to rattle off 17 of them in the course of two minutes. WIZARD!
My personal favorite is "Christopher Walken opening a jar of peanut butter."
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Hilarious video about dating on a tiny Scottish island will make you feel better about your prospects.
If you think dating is a nightmare, you're right. But this BBC video from a single comedian in her 20s who lives on a tiny Scottish island might help you put things in perspective. Marjolein Robertson lives in the Shetland Islands just north of Scotland, where the total population is around 22,000. When you break that number down by age, gender and marital status, that's not a whole lot of eligible men to choose from.
Trying to find a date is hard," says Robertson in the video, which has been viewed over 200K times. "By the time you reach your early 20s, you've either been there already, or you're related to them. Or both."
She also demonstrates what happens when you try to go out a bar or on Tinder to meet single men when you live on a very small island. It seems kind of like trying to find a date at a family reunion.
Just watch:
This makes dating in a big city seem not so bad. NYC, for example, is home to teeming hoards of single people looking for love. You can swipe on Tinder forever and have thousands of bars to choose from to meet a potential "mate." And yet, somehow, you still always run into your ex. Just because you happened to be passing by his apartment right at the time he gets home from work every day. I guess it's a small world!
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Lena Dunham’s rap video for Hillary is as awkward as the sex scenes on ‘Girls.’
Uh oh, I'm sorry America. It appears that Lena Dunham is doing things. And an already polarized country becomes even more torn apart when Lena Dunham does things.
But Lena Dunham has done a thing, and that thing is a "rapped" video, "Sensual Pantsuit Anthem," to celebrate Hillary Clinton A parody of celebrity PSAs, this PSA by a celebrity also features rapper Charlamagne Tha God and Tony Award winner Cynthia Erivo as audience surrogates who are very confused, but sound great.
She's in on the joke though, y'all!
The video is featured on "Funny or Die," and most viewers have chosen the latter.
Here's hoping that the inevitable Hillary Clinton rap musical is better than this.
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People are mad at the first 'Beauty and the Beast' images because they didn't read the whole title.
On Wednesday, Entertainment Weekly released the first still images of Emma Watson and CGI Fur Man as the title characters in Disney's upcoming live action Beauty and the Beast remake. The stills, which look very faithful to the animated 1991 original, immediately got a big reaction from Disneyphiles on the internet.
Everyone agreed that Emma Watson looks radiant as Belle.
But some fans had a problem with the design of the Beast.
Specifically, they thought he looked a bit TOO beastly.
Disney is ruining a classic! Everyone knows Beauty and the Beast is the stirring story of a beautiful young woman who falls in love with a cursed prince despite the fact that he's actually SUPER HOT.
But despite fans' complaints about the movie, it's not like they won't get any eye candy. Gaston, at least, has got it going on.
Oh hell yeah. The Beast should eat more raw eggs.
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Article 5
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7 things you missed today while you were at your boring adult job: Melania, Hamilton, and Wonder Woman
Hey! How's it going? Don't worry, it's almost the weekend! You made it! When you go to bed tonight it'll be Thusday, and when you wake up tomorrow, it'll be Friday. You can do it!
Now here's what you missed on the internet while accomplishing things.
1. Melania Trump said she would focus on combatting online bullying as First Lady. She's either never met her husband, or delivered the most epic subtweet of all time. (via USA Today)
2. Lin-Manuel Miranda's Hamilton Mixtape features Sia, Chance the Rapper, John Legend, Jimmy Fallon(?), and everyone else you like. (via Rolling Stone)
3. The Wonder Woman full trailer is here in all its badassery. (via Entertainment Weekly)
4. Here's a charming history of Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg's BFFship. (via Vulture)
5. Kendall Jenner finally became of drinking age and had a party with a lot of people and not a lot of fabric. (via New York Daily News)
6. Rah rah rah-ah-ah: There's a science to why "Bad Romance" has been stuck in your head for the past seven years. (via CNN)
7. Kate Middleton dressed like Paris Hilton at the premiere of A Street Cat Named Bob. (via People)
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Man binges on energy drinks for 3 weeks, gets something much worse than 'wings.'
Ah, there's nothing like the quick burst of liveliness you get from knocking back an energy drink during your afternoon slump. There's also, as a construction worker recently learned, nothing quite like the life-threatening case of hepatitis you could get from drinking too much of it. Gizmodo posted an article about a 50-year-old man who drank four or five energy drinks every day for three weeks (and changed nothing else about his diet) in order to boost his endurance on the job, only to end up in the emergency room with dark urine and jaundiced skin. Feel that power surge!
The unidentified man had started to feel fatigued, and developed abdominal tenderness. When that progressed to nausea and vomiting, he figured he had a flu. It wasn't until his skin turned yellow that he realized something could be seriously wrong with him. A biopsy of his liver showed hepatitis C, which doctors think was brought on by all the vitamin B3 (also known as niacin) in those energy drinks he was chugging daily, each bottle of which contained 40 mg of niacin (200 percent of the recommended daily value).
According to the doctors who authored the case report,
As the energy drink market continues to rapidly expand, consumers should be aware of the potential risks of their various ingredients. Vitamins and nutrients, such as niacin are present in quantities that greatly exceed the recommended daily intake, lending to their high risk for harmful accumulation and toxicity.
Fortunately, the man ended up fine, but let this be a lesson to us all: all those 5-hour powers can lead to debilitating illness. Maybe that's what "wings" is secretly code for?
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This is the first ever sex toy on Kickstarter.
You can now help provide the funds to make two sex toy makers' dreams a reality.
The Fin vibrator by Dame Products is the first ever erotic product to be on Kickstarter. The crowdfunding site has never allowed sex toys in the past, but Dame Products' co-founders, Alexandra Fine and Janet Lieberman, were nothing if not persistent.
Fine told Business Insiderthey got Kickstarter to allow their product by writing a good, old-fashioned, "please let us fund our sex toy on your website" letter. She recalled, "We made an appeal to them. 'Hey, we're not doing anything weird. We're normal. We're makers, too!'"
Fine and Lieberman are a psychology graduate/sex expert and an MIT-educated mechanical engineer, respectively. (Yeah, pretty impressive.) Their mission with Dame Products is to bring gender equality to sexual pleasure. The Fin is a handheld vibrator that mimics human touch. It's unique in that it's worn between the fingers to "optimize agility."
Its presence on Kickstarter could set a precedent that would lead more erotic products to be allowed on the site. That's right, my friends. Awkward trips to the "adult store" might become a thing of the past.
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Ryan Reynolds accidentally revealed his baby's gender on Conan and Blake Lively was pissed.
Ryan Reynolds ran his very attractive mouth on Conan last night (they also made out ICYMI), accidentally revealing the gender of his one-month-old baby with wife Blake Lively, People reports. This apparently pissed off Lively because they were keeping the gender of their newborn a secret.
Luckily we can all stop wondering because we now know, it's a GIRL! This makes her the second daughter for the couple, who are also parents to two-year-old James.
According to People, Reynolds told host Conan O’Brien last night that he is a father to two daughters, after joking that he only did the show to get out of the house. Because "having two kids under two is rough."
The 40-year-old Deadpool star is clearly already embracing the role of hilariously beleaguered dad. "Yeah a lot of estrogen," he said. "It’s like an American Girl doll took a shit on my life." LOL.
In an Instagram post last night, actress Blake Lively confirmed rumors that she was mad at him for the slip but added that the problem was resolved thanks to some good old fashioned bribery with cookies. Husbands: take notes.
But why were they keeping their new baby's gender a secret?? Maybe because they're progressive and gender is fluid and a construct etc. Or maybe they just knew that the best way to make everyone curious about something is to keep it a secret. I've actually been wondering about the gender of this baby, which is weird, because I'll probably never meet it let alone have to buy it a onesie.
Oh well, cheers to the growing family! Gender is a construct!
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Reminders
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Even more parents tell their kids they ate their Halloween candy on 'Jimmy Kimmel.'
Due to an influx of late submissions, Jimmy Kimmel had enough footage of kids having nervous breakdowns to air another segment of "I Told My Kids I Ate All Their Halloween Candy." It's the Halloween tradition that just keeps on giving! Here are more kids getting tricked about their treats.
Laughing at children just feels so wrong—but also so right?
Oh, sweet cherubs, don't fret. This is only preparing you for the real world where you will feel the exact same way when you see half your paycheck has been taken away for taxes.
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We did it.
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Cringeworthy interview ends after Republican holds up Hillary Clinton's 'inauguration jewelry.'
A political talking head suggesting a fashion accessory for Hillary Clinton's inauguration would be bad enough if it weren't all a mean-spirited ruse. But of course it was just that when Dallas Woodhouse, executive director of the GOP in North Carolina, went on MSNBC to smile and hold up a pair of handcuffs.
"Their candidate, if elected, could have these on inauguration day."
"You're bringing props for our show here, Dallas? That's a pair of handcuffs," said the utterly dumbfounded host, Hallie Jackson.
"Absolutely. Hillary Clinton inauguration jewelry!"
The segment ended quickly after the prop comedy work, with Jackson saying "I'm getting a hard wrap from my producer..."
"Well, you know, your producer should loosen up," responded Woodhouse. "We make good TV together, Ms. Jackson."
After the appearance, Dallas Woodhouse's brother, Brad Woodhouse, took to Twitter.
Brad Woodhouse runs a pro-Clinton super PAC and presumably the "anti-Dallas" section of the Thanksgiving dinner table.
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The top 41 tweets of the week, as picked by someone who loves good tweets.
This week was dominated by Halloween, the World Series, and the loomingelection. Relax with jokes about peanut butter, anxiety, taco trucks, Bono and more, in the top 41 tweets of the week!
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Benedict Cumberbatch and Jimmy Fallon couldn't keep straight faces while playing Mad Lib Theater.
On Thursday night, British actor Benedict Cumberbatch was a guest on The Tonight Show where he and host Jimmy Fallon performed Mad Libs Theater. Cumberbatch, currently promoting his new movie Doctor Strange, was adept at providing ridiculous, very specific answers to the prompts, making for a pretty funny video.
Between Cumberbatch's attempted New York accent and Fallon playing a woman from the Ukraine being questioned about egg theft, they really bring this gritty interrogation scene to life.
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