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Dangerous business.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 30, 2014

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1. Supreme Court Votes To Protect Deeply-Held Religious Convictions Of Corporations

The Supreme Court ruled today in favor of Hobby Lobby, deciding that the Obamacare mandate cannot force closely held corporations to provide birth control to female employees if the businesses hold religious convictions against paying for a bunch of sinful junk for those sexed-up hussies.


2. Facebook Researcher Apologizes For Controversial Research, Had No Idea People Would Not Want To Get Jerked Around By A Website

The co-author of a recent research project conducted on Facebook—in which posts that were seen in people's news feeds were chosen in a specific attempt to manipulate their moods—has apologized for his actions. "I can understand why some people have concerns about it, and my coauthors and I are very sorry for the way the paper described the research and any anxiety it caused," the data scientist lamented. How does his sorrowful apology make you feel, though? On a scale from 1 to 5, with 1 being "very happy" and 5 being "very sad." 


3. Communists Stole "Flag of the Poor" From Catholic Church, Says Leader Of Church With Assets Valued At More $10 Billion  

In an interview with with the Italian newspaper Il Messaggero, Pope Francis accused communists of stealing the Church's jam with regards to caring about poor people. "I can only say that the communists have stolen our flag. The flag of the poor is Christian. Poverty is at the center of the Gospel," the Pope explained from inside a room that, were its furnishings sold, could feed every hungry person on Earth for a week.  


4. Religious Expert Elton John Says Jesus Would Be Cool With Gay, Married Priests

Claiming that the Catholic Church's rules are "old and stupid," musician Elton John told Sky News that, given his deep understanding of theology acquired over years of writing pop songs, he's pretty sure Jesus would be down with gay priests getting married. "If Jesus Christ was alive today, I cannot see him, as the Christian person that he was and the great person that he was, saying this could not happen," he said. 


5. Hollywood Sends Loud, Obnoxious Robot Dinosaurs Into China To Get Some Of U.S.'s Money Back

Transformers: Age of Extinction's huge, $93 million opening weekend in China is being seen as a game changer for Hollywood. Now that film producers can see that the Asian country's immense film market enjoys brainless, loud, two-hour-long explosions as much as U.S. audiences, they will likely start tailoring films to their tastes.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

A family's youngest son tried to take a handsome selfie. His entire family made fun of him online.

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Pretty normal for a stranger. For a little brother, though, this demands mockery.

Nothing attracts the mockery of your family more than an attempt to look cooler than they know you really are, especially if you are the youngest. That's what happened to this kid, who tried to take the Tinder-worthy selfie you see above with his new phone, only to have the image spotted by his dad and older brothers. Doing their duty as the older males, they immediately stole his shirt and beanie to recreate his sultry pose. They then posted it on reddit, where it blew up.


The dad's name is Carl. That's the only name we know, and the only name we need to know.

A picture like this is too much fun for the boys to keep to themselves, however, and apparently the women in this family also need Internet karma, because they appeared on reddit a little while later with their own recreation of their baby brother's beauty photo.


The family that viciously mocks their youngest member together, stays together.

There are two more sisters who have yet to appear in the photos, but I think we can all agree that this family has already succeeded in making sure the youngest boy won't try to boost his own self-esteem again for a long, long time.

Some people have theorized that this is an elaborate HTC One ad. To those people, I say "Maybe. How can we even tell anymore? I can't think of a way out of this prison of paid content, so please let me enjoy my ignorance in bliss." Other people just wonder why we care that other humans are having fun and goofing around. To them, I say "Thank you for your insightful Facebook comments."

(by Johnny McNulty)

if men could reproduce insurance would cover pregnancy scares

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Lane MooreMon, 30 Jun 2014 12:33:20 EDT

if men could reproduce insurance would cover pregnancy scares

Britney Spears took back control of her Instagram to bravely tell fans she's bored.

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Say hello to the girl that I am! (via IG)

We've been able to follow her on Instagram for a few years, but up until recently it's just been promotional pics. Now Britney is taking over the reins and has started using her account to post personal videos. Her first one is just that... personal. Nothing let's people in closer than showing them "how I spend my Saturdays...lol."

The scene opens with Brit Brit describing two dudes jogging ahead of her. A smash cut to her dogs barking. Finally, she turns the lens on herself and proclaims her deepest feelings at the moment... 

She is bored, y'all.  

This got over 85K likes in two days...lol. 

Bye!

(by Myka Fox)

Envy of all.

And Jesus said unto them, “Provide corporations with religious loopholes to cut back on health benefits and improve earnings in Q4.”

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Joe VeixMon, 30 Jun 2014 12:49:36 EDT

And Jesus said unto them, “Provide corporations with religious loopholes to cut back on health benefits and improve earnings in Q4.”


An angry biker found out that kicking a moving car is never a good idea.

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Instant Carma.

For anyone keeping score in the ongoing battle of cars vs. motorcycles, cars are still winning in a rout. And the Brazilian biker in this video isn't helping his side one bit.

The video doesn't show what it was that inspired the guy on the motorcycle to kick the minivan as he rode by. Did the driver cut him off? Does the biker have such a bad case of World Cup fever that he's just going around kicking everything in sight? Maybe it was part of an initiation ritual into the lamest biker gang in history. Regardless, it was a terrible idea and the outcome was fairly predictable.

We know one thing the biker didn't do, and that's study basic physics. Or basic math. Because four wheels beats two wheels every time.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Traditionally boring.

Everyone should go to a Hobby Lobby store, fill up their shopping carts, then pull out at the last second.

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Josh WeinsteinMon, 30 Jun 2014 13:20:04 EDT

Everyone should go to a Hobby Lobby store, fill up their shopping carts, then pull out at the last second.

Cream of the flop.

The American Way.

Private interests.

​How to completely ruin Facebook’s attempt to experiment on your emotions.

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Facebook is way more evil than you ever imagined. Forget sharing your data with advertisers, that’s kid stuff. Facebook is now using clicks and shares to conduct experiments on you.

To see how people respond to negative posts versus positive posts, Facebook chose 700,000 users and manipulated their feeds so that some saw posts that only featured positive, happy, yay! content, and others saw posts that only featured sad, depressing, FML content. The experiment concluded that people who saw depressing shit got depressed and shared equally depressing shit. And people who saw nothing but happy sunshine kitten kisses got happy and shared kitten kisses of their own. Eureka.

Obviously, the targeted users didn’t know their brains were being digitally prodded by nerds in Palo Alto. We all might be being messed with right goddamn now. It’s all an effort for Facebook to further control our synapses until they can predict our online clicks and shares with Pavlovian accuracy.

BUT YOU CAN FIGHT THIS.

All you have to do is post stuff that will make your user data statistically indecipherable. You need to become a walking, talking, clicking and sharing statistical anomaly. Here’s how.

1. Couple your shares with completely dissonant statuses.

If you share a cute, aww-inspiring video, Facebook’s evil scientists will chalk your post under the “positivity” column. But if your video is accompanied by a status that is completely incongruous with the content, you’ll be tossed out of the study. For example, let’s say you want to share this post about cats standing up.

You still can! All you have to do is pair it with a really depressing status.

Guess which lab rat just got freed from the lab!

2. Combat your bio.

All that background information about yourself gives Facebook tons of data to work with in predicting what you might post. Obviously, users from certain locales are going to post and like stuff relevant to that locale. To pollute Facebook's location-focused testing, just post something each day that is completely irrelevant to the interests of people from your town.

Or change your bio completely so your education, age, hometown etc are utter lies. Just make sure your posts stick to your story.

3. Change your feelings offline before sharing online.

Facebook wants to know how their feed manipulation is affecting your emotions, but if your emotional state is affected by outside forces, you’ll be knocked out of their control group and your data will be unusable.

4. Just start constantly posting about cool shit like motorcycles.

What kind of mood do you have to be in to post about something like motorcycles? You don’t know and neither does Facebook. Just make sure you post without any emotional context.

5. Unfriend all friends, delete all personal data, leave any groups you’ve joined, and never post a status about anything but the weather.

Yours will be the purest and least manipulated Facebook experience on the entire network. They won’t have the slightest idea what to make of you. You might not score many likes, and your feed will be nothing but an endless scroll of blank space, but it won’t matter. Your emotions will be yours, your thoughts kept hidden in the chambers of your consciousness. You will achieve social network Nirvana, a being of pure and impenetrable is-ness. In the great online battle for control of your heart and mind, you will reign triumphant.

(by Bob Powers)

Designed by Cole Mitchell


Dubious parentage.

Someone took a photo of their mom doing laundry and accidentally captured a ghost.

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When washing sheets, always make sure to shake the demons out before folding.

There's not much backstory to this photo except that it came from someone named MuffinHatLP on reddit, who "Was taking random pictures of my mother" when "this came out...pretty terrifying."

Let me just say that there have been a lot of ghost-themed cable shows in the past decade, such as "Ghost Hunters," Paranormal State, and "Ghost Adventures," and not a single one of them came up with evidence as compelling as this. Maybe it's because they thought ghosts wearing sheets was clichéd. Turns out ghosts are a little more stereotypical than we thought.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Productivity problems.

The most patriotic song ever written about how depressing America is right now.

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God bless 'merca. 

Just in time for Independence Day, a new song by Animation Domination Hi-Def is here to celebrate what makes our nation great: making songs about how much America is failing compared to the rest of the world. And don't worry about being caught slacking off while watching this on the job because, according to this song and the CIA, America is 79th in the world in unemployment!

USA! USA! USA!

(by Myka Fox)

Here's a bear just looking through a freezer hoping to find something good to eat.

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"What do I want? What do I want? Hmmmmm..."

You know that feeling, I'm sure. You're standing in front of the fridge, and you know you want something, but you don't know what that something is. Plus, you're a bear, so you're thinking to yourself, "I gotta pick something quick before somebody comes in her and shoots me with a powerful tranquilizer." But what do you pick? Ugh! It's so annoying! Bear problems, am I right?!

Anyway, this bear here, nicknamed "Yogi," who was caught on surveillance video while raiding a fridge in the Powers Creek Retreat in West Kelowna, British Columbia, knows that feeling all too well:  

Luckily, according to this news report, the people who owned that particular freezer don't seem all that put out by Yogi's decision to make himself at home in their cabin. In fact, they seem happy about it:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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