To be fair, I'd totally claim to be homeless for such a nice-looking apple.

Scott Rogowsky, host of the New York stand-up show Running Late with Scott Rogowsky (and formerly of someecards), is very concerned about NYC's large population of shiftless, hairy, unwashed, unemployable, poorly dressed youth. He's also concerned about the homeless.

Who says you can't make money playing kickball and wearing oversized kids' clothes?

Scott takes food, clothing, and money to Brooklyn's McCarren Park, the epicenter of East Coast hipsterdom. There he encounters the shaggy unkempt youth that represent the best, brightest and most ironic minds of our generation. Like many people, he mistakes their consciously bad fashion decisions for an unlucky hand in life and offers them help, with mixed but amusing results.

True fact: Homeless people LOVE Avicii.

Best case scenario: being pitied by a man in a picnic table shirt, tortoise-shell glasses and blue blazer makes these underachievers feel so bad that they finish grad school and get jobs. Worst-case scenario: laid-off bloggers turn their writing skills away from making the next great webseries and towards some really meta panhandling signs that make you want to donate so you can look like you "get it."

If you enjoyed seeing Scott awkwardly interact with the denizens of Brooklyn, consider his even less thinly-veiled attempt to meet women.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Sadly, pulling off another one of these might have been our only shot.

If we come away remembering anything from yesterday's heartbreaking World Cup elimination of the USA, besides what a time-saver it is to start drinking at 4, it will be the name Tim Howard. His 16 saves set a record for the most saves by a World Cup goalie in the past 50 years.

Makes you think the guy can do anything. Well, he can, as this clip from 2012 clearly demonstrates:

A lot of people were celebrating Howard yesterday, including, briefly, Wikipedia:

I like the recent amendment to #TimHoward's wikipedia page #ISA#USAvBELpic.twitter.com/sCMlp899WQ

— Julia Macfarlane (@juliamacfarlane) July 1, 2014

He might not be the American Jesus (that's Kanye), but he is the American who single-handedly gave us some global cred yesterday. Since Gwyneth and Chris uncoupled, many Americans felt like we were losing a toe-hold overseas. After yesterday, Tim Howard is our ambassador. 

(by Bob Powers)

And one of these guys is the father! (via)

Almost every pregnancy announcement is made through social media these days. It just makes sense. No one has the time to call everyone they know, and the only time entire families are gathered together are at weddings or funerals, neither of which are ideal settings to steal focus. So the Internet is the way to go. Like everything else with social media, some announcements are made using questionable judgement, and some are really creative and wind up going viral.

This couple spotted a golden opportunity and grabbed it. What are the odds of finding out you're expecting a child and running into Paul Rudd, who happened to star in a movie with a baby announcement as a title? Pretty slim. 

And Paul Rudd seems perfectly happy to play along, so much so that they could've easily gotten too cute and totally misfired by going with other Paul Rudd movies. 

And over-sharing:

Or being too cynical:

Yeah, Knocked Up was the right call.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Just like Jim Jones he gets knocked out with one punch.

Standing in the right corner, in the black graphic tee, weighing in at two hundred and three gin and tonics, pushing a nice man's cart for no apparent reason, we have Dumb Drunk Asshole!!!!

And on the left, dressed cooly in linen and a rattan hat, trying to make an honest living as a vendor, we have Decent Dude Just Trying To Mind His Own Business!!!!!

Which one of these Atlantic City contenders will walk away with the cart? It's anybody's guess!

Ding! Ding! Ding!

And they're off!  Decent Dude walks away from the cart and starts circling Drunk Asshole. Dumb Drunk Asshole bobs and weaves like an old lady driving a Cadillac. Drunk Asshole moves in, Decent Dude steps back. They could dance like this all day.

Oh my god! Drunk Asshole goes in for the right hook but Decent Dude is too quick! He ducked out of the way! Decent Dude rebounds with a clean jab to Drunk Asshole! 

What a punch! It couldn't have been cleaner if it was a nun's STD test! Drunk asshole is down!

(by Myka Fox)

Needy is still cute when you're young.

We need the workplace to be more like pre-school. There isn't a person in your office who doesn't show up in the morning feeling like the girl in this clip from Drama Fever. We all have that moment when we look around our respective workplaces with the urge to curl up our bottom lips and ask our cubicle-mates through tears, "Will you comfort me?" 

Sadly, the only comfort your cubicle-mate can offer is that morning's spot-on 'Dilbert' that he just taped to his monitor. Unlike this kid, who promises "I'll protect you" over and over again, like a pre-tween action movie hero commanding his love interest, "Stay alive! I will find you at naptime!" 

Carrying is out of the question, though. He's here for you emotionally, girl, but he won't risk his lower back for you.

(by Bob Powers)

Even people who don't realize they're on camera look happy. Do you know how rare
that is in reality television?

If you want to get away with whatever you want on television, I recommend eating healthy. That way, you can stick around long enough to age into someone who looks wholesome enough to get away with murdering 3-4 Boy Scouts on stage before anyone would even say anything.

Ray Jessel, 84, only took up performing music at the age of 72, so maybe it's not that surprising that he's only as mature (if not much less so) than his peers who are in their 20s. Ray managed to snag an audition for America's Got Talent, and one can see why: he looks like a lovable old coot who's going to sing funny grandpa songs for everyone. That probably explains why the people who hit the "bleep" button during words like "penis" seem to have fallen asleep. The thing people always forget about lovable old coots is that their old coot mouths are unspeakably filthy.

Did you see how he pretended to fumble that microphone? Genius.

And like the women he sings about, Ray turned out to have a lot more going on than the judges had bargained for in his performance. I've heard a lot of good penis songs in my day, and even a few good ones about ladies who had them, but none had that feeling of easy-going "realness" that "What She's Got (The Penis Song)" possessed. Apparently, Heidi Klum's family also loves the entire dames-with-dongs genre, because she already knows they'll be singing it the entire time.

This woman did not come to AGT intending to realize old people are sexual beings.

Easily the most old-person moment of this entire thing comes from Howard Stern, who is paid to be the most shocking person in the room and yet declared simply, "you're a breath of fresh air." C'mon, Howard. No one's said "breath of fresh air" and meant it seriously since before the woman in Ray's song was still young enough to use her penis, which was around the time this other very famous penis song was released:

(by Johnny McNulty)

"Why don't you guys just make it out of chicken?" (via Getty Images)

Long have we joked that there is no nugget part of the chicken, but what if McDonalds were legally required to make commercials that explained exactly what goes into their slimy processed meat lumps?

RT America's Redacted Tonight went to the trouble to make such a commercial for them, complete with monocalcium phosphate which is linked to chronic kidney disease! Here's John F. O'Donnell AKA Johnny O'Donny singing the catchiest McAdvertiesment that will have you barfing with delight.

(Below I've listed the actual ingredients from the "nutrition" section of the McDonald's website so you can sing along!)

Ingredients: White Boneless Chicken, Water, Food Starch-Modified, Salt, Seasoning (Autolyzed Yeast Extract, Salt, Wheat Starch, Natural Flavoring [Botanical Source], Safflower Oil, Dextrose, Citric Acid), Sodium Phosphates, Natural Flavor (Botanical Source). Battered and Breaded with: Water, Enriched Flour (Bleached Wheat Flour, Niacin, Reduced Iron, Thiamin Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Yellow Corn Flour, Bleached Wheat Flour, Food Starch-Modified, Salt, Leavening (Baking Soda, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Aluminum Phosphate, Monocalcium Phosphate, Calcium Lactate), Spices, Wheat Starch, Dextrose, Corn Starch. Prepared in Vegetable Oil (Canola Oil, Corn Oil, Soybean Oil, Hydrogenated Soybean Oil with TBHQ and Citric Acid added to preserve freshness). AND DONT FORGET: Dimethylpolysiloxane added as an antifoaming agent.

Long list, guys. It's probably healthier to leave a McDonalds with a knife in your back. 

Redacted Tonight airs Fridays 8pm ET on RT America.

(by Myka Fox)

1. Monica Lewinsky Gives Her First TV Interview Since People Cared About Monica Lewinsky

In her first televised interview in more than a decade, former White House intern and unfortunate human punchline Monica Lewinsky tried to her best to explain the ordeal through which she lived after her brief affair with President Bill Clinton. "I was a virgin to humiliation of that level," she said, in unfortunately chosen words.

Should I call my band Monica Lewinsky & The Culture of Humiliation or O.J. Simpson & the Birth of Reality TV?

— Tom Ceraulo (@tceraulo) June 6, 2014

2. African Leaders Have Brilliant Plan To Prevent War Crimes — Make Them Not A Crime

Heads of state from all across the African continent have voted to give themselves immunity from being charged with war crimes by the newly created—and now pretty much useless—African Court for Justice and Human Rights. The brilliantly Machiavellian maneuver has been hailed as a “backward step in the fight against impunity and a betrayal of victims of serious violations of human rights,” by a clearly-impressed spokesperson for Amnesty International.

*sheathes plastic sword* Look kid, the invisible monster is nearly dead. If we kill him now, we're technically committing war crimes

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) January 28, 2014

3. Getting Arrested Was The Best Thing That Ever Happened For Jeremy Meeks's Modeling Career

Jeremy Meeks—everybody's favorite super-sexy alleged felon—has reportedly been offered a $30K model contract from with Blaze Modelz, based upon the content of his modeling portfolio, otherwise known as that one famous mugshot.

If Jeremy Meeks' modeling contract isn't exclusively for orange jumpsuits, this is some bullshit.

— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) July 2, 2014

4. Wily Bigfoot Outwits Scientists Once Again

Bigfoot—the immense, secretive, hairy humanoid creature who wanders through America's forests, always staying one step ahead of inquisitive cryptozoologists—has outsmarted our brightest researchers once again. A comprehensive analysis of various samples of DNA have been found to originate from a variety of non-Bigfoot animals, including bears, horses and raccoons. Clearly, Bigfoot understands how to taint genetic samples better than we previously assumed. 

 Why did we make up Bigfoot when bears are real and will kill us?

— Susan Burke (@ThatSusanBurke) June 30, 2014

5. IBM Supercomputer Creates Delicious Sauce To Be Used For Devouring The Tender Flesh Of Imperfect Carbon-Based Beings

Technicians at IBM have finally achieved their long-term goal of creating a supercomputer capable of using "basic ideas from chemistry and psychology" to "predict what humans will find flavorful" and create the most delicious barbecue sauce in the world, thus making your father-in-law utterly redundant. 

No thank you, bottles of BBQ sauce with a white man on the label.

— CJ Sullivan (@CJVLR) June 18, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

While the desire to have children may be strong, it is nothing compared to the desire to post pictures of one’s children online. I am in no way excluding myself from this—there were many days I sat home with a small creature that looked not unlike Kuato from Total Recall, thinking, “God, he’s so beautiful and amazing! I need to log onto Facebook so I can share images of him with relatives, old camp counselors, and people I briefly met at a comedy show in 2006.”

“He is such a sweet, beautiful little kid!” I would say to myself, as I attempted to capture him in photos, but here is the problem with trying to take photos of your sweet, beautiful little kid—while in your mind’s eye he looks like a tiny, pink-lipped, long-eyelashed angel, to other people he is a sweaty child in a shopping cart, chewing the eyeball off a stuffed cat.

Of the photos I’ve taken of the baby, 90% leave me completely taken aback, going, “That can’t be right! Is that how things really look?” Which is why I’d love an app of Instagram filters for parents. Get on top of developing these, tech people!

The Filter That Makes A Weird, Shriveled Newborn Baby Look Like an Adorable 7-Month-Old

Newborn babies are very weird looking. Yes, all of them. Yes, probably even yours. I’m sorry. As much as I want to feel like my newborn baby was beautiful, if I had posted a photo online of a 90-year-old man wrapped in one of those pink and blue striped swaddling blankets they give you at the hospital, it would be completely indistinguishable from the photo on my son’s birth announcement.

The Filter That Makes A Baby That Won’t Stop Crying Look Like It Isn’t Crying

Oh, did you just travel 2,000 miles so that your child could visit his one surviving great grandfather? Hope he doesn’t cry hysterically through your entire 40 minute photo session at the nursing home in south Florida. This amazing filter, which someone really needs to invent, seamlessly photoshops a version of your child’s face where he isn’t crying onto the photo where he’s sobbing like he just watched Sophie’s Choice after mainlining estrogen.

The Filter That Makes A Kid Look Like He’s Not Moving

Look, we landed two rovers on Mars and we’ve mapped the human genome and I’m almost positive we’re at the point where a person can control a robotic arm using his thoughts (I’m basing this on a World Science Festival presentation I saw a few years ago), so with all the ridiculous technological advances, why hasn’t someone developed a filter that would make kids in photos look like they’re not moving even though they’re moving? And don’t tell me to put my camera on “sport” because I already have it on “sport.”

The Filter That Makes You Look Like You Have Showered

Someone once said to me, “There aren’t many photos of the baby with you in them,” and I wanted to say, “Yes, that is because I have been showering with a frequency not uncommon in the Elizabethan era.”

The Filter That Makes It Look Like Your House Is Clean and Organized

“Don’t take the photo from there,” I once told my husband. “Take it from this angle so you can’t see the shit that’s all over the floor.” Admittedly a better idea might just be a filter that photoshops you into a much nicer house.

The Filter That Makes You Look Totally Content With All Your Life Decisions

It’s not just that you want everyone on the internet to see a photo of your baby, it’s that you would like them to know that things are going GREAT for you. Yes, having a newborn is a little stressful, isn’t it? Ok, sure. But I’m totally ok with it because everything about having a child is so fulfilling and the experience itself is just so totally rewarding and oh man, he looks totally sweet and perfect, doesn’t he? Look at my huge smile in this picture because I obviously have no regrets and am so totally loving the path my life has taken even though I only sleep three hours a night and it’s been months since I had any meaningful social interaction with a person who doesn’t wave good-bye to his bowel movements every time we flush the toilet.*

The Filter That Shows You Doing What You’d Be Doing Right Now If You Didn’t Have a Kid

How cool is that, it’s a photo of you hanging out with your friends at a local bar, laughing about things late into the evening! Here’s one of you sitting down on your day off, reading a book. Try not to overdo it with this filter, as using it too often may result in clinical depression, rage, or repeated playings of the song, “Glory Days” while looking at old yearbook photos.

The Filter That Allows You To See Your Child The Way Other People See Him

WHOA, that can’t be my kid, where are the rays of light emanating from his face?????

Gahhh, is that really what he looks like?? He looks like…like a regular kid! He looks just like all the other regular kids that you’d see at like a playground or something! Are you serious? How did I never notice that his head is the size of a basketball? Has he always had such weirdly-shaped teeth? HOLD UP, THIS IS SERIOUSLY HOW MY KID LOOKS TO OTHER PEOPLE??

And lastly…

The Filter That Allows Other People To See Your Child The Way You See Him

“Oh my god,” the first comment will read. “He is so sweet and perfect and adorable. You must wake up every morning overwhelmed by how lucky you are that you get to spend time with such a beautiful, dynamic human being. You must feel like your heart had to double in size in order to contain the unreal amounts of love you feel when he smiles and reaches for you.”

“That’s so crazy that you say that,” I’d reply, while simultaneously ‘liking’ their comment and cross-posting the photo to Twitter. “Most days that is exactly how I feel.”

* * *

*Yep, my husband does it too. Crazy, right?**

**Ok, the thing about my husband doing it was a lie.  

(Raquel D'Apice is a comedian who writes and illustrates a parenting blog called The Ugly Volvo. Like it onFacebookor follow her on Twitter. You can see more of her work here, here, and here.)

Trimming the bushes the hard way.

If this guy's intention was to impress his family with a perfect execution of a trampoline move called the "seat drop," the result would have to be considered a disappointment. However, if the goal was to make his daughter laugh and go viral by launching his drunken ass into the bushes, then a hearty "congrats!" is in order.

Good call on the daughter's part to grab the camera. Anytime a drunk, out of shape guy decides to show off his skills on a trampoline, chances are it's going to be worth having on video. The footage may have also come in handy while trying to determine which direction to send the search party.

Convincing dad to take the cigarette out of his mouth was a good idea as well. It's as if she knew where he would wind up and was trying to prevent a simple, drunken trampoline fail from turning into a forest fire.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

This version's actually not baaaaaaad.

This video of a bunch of goats singing their rendition of the theme to Stephen Spielberg's 1993 sci-fi adventure classic Jurassic Park—much like its Game of Thrones predecessor—is really clever and well-edited, if a tad on the random side. But there was something about it that was striking a discordant note for me, and I couldn't figure out what it was at first. And then I remembered this guy from the movie:

 And what happened to him:

And I realized that these singing goats are a bunch of goddamned traitors to their species! Anything for Internet fame, huh?! Disgusting.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Proof that art is only an illusion.

This video of a piece of art by Patrick Hughes posted by YouTuber Benjamin Dalsgaard Hughes (no relation) is mentally confusing, and not just because someone is trying to capture the experience of seeing a still piece of art by taking a video of it. 

It's weird to watch, and how it works surprised a lot of my colleagues. 

This type of illusion, which was originated by the artist, is called a "reverspective", an optical illusion on a 3-dimensional surface where the parts of the picture which seem farthest away are actually physically the nearest. 

As is pointed out by TURST67 in the YouTube comments section, the illusion works best when filmed because a camera has only one optic, compared to a human, which has two. But other youtube commenters, as they are known to do, were quick to deliver a solution were you to see the art in person: close one eye, genius.

(by Myka Fox)

Sadly, this story does not involve Patrick Swayze throwing people through doors.

If you want to treat your servers like dirt, the Texas Roadhouse restaurant in Findlay, Ohio is the place to go. Not only can you tip 10% or less on a meal over $50, if your waitress goes on Facebook to complain about bad tipping in general, you can print out her post and have her fired. That's what happened to Kirsten Kelly, an Ohio mother who was working as a server at the casual steakhouse until she was fired for exactly that reason.

Kirsten, pictured here with the reason she cares so much about money.

Kirsten had a disappointing Friday night (as I imagine pretty much everyone who ended up in the Texas Roadhouse restaurant must have), and went on the social network to express her opinion that "if you are going to come into a restaurant and spend $50 or more, you should be able to tip appropriately for that." This seems like a pretty reasonable statement to me, but then again, I am not Mr. Pink from Reservoir Dogs. Ms. Kelly claims this was the extent of her venting, and that she never referred to any specific customers or even to the Roadhouse restaurant.

The ultimate "oops, why did I post that?" face.

There's a reason you don't complain about bad tippers in public, however. You don't complain about them because you already know they're absolute scum who are not above anything, and that includes taking a screenshot of your Facebook post, walking into a restaurant and saying "That's me. I'm the bad tipper, and I'm offended." Obviously, shame is not possible for such people. Apparently, the rude customer was a former classmate of Kelly's, which was how they saw the post. This is a person who stiffed someone they went to high school with and then tried to get them fired. Unless Kirsten slept with that person's boyfriend once, there's really no excuse for that behavior.

According to the Roadhouse, Kelly also called the customer a mean name, although she denies that. The Roadhouse also insists she "knew what she was doing" when she posted that.

All this begs the question: why are we protecting this customer's identity? Why are we protecting the manager's identity? If we're firing people over stuff like this, everyone involved should have their names and pictures next to it, all the way up to the Roadhouse CEO.

This story is dedicated to the memory of Patrick Swayze, who would never have allowed any of this to happen in his Roadhouse.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Try and stay focused, lady.

I've never read comic books, so I have no idea if there's a Canadian superhero, but if not, one may have just made his debut, and his name is Shirtless Jogger.

Mild mannered school teacher Joe Killoran was out for a jog when he happened upon a Canada Day parade where Rob Ford was making an appearance as a float called Mayor of Toronto. Killoran believes the mayor's refusal to take questions from reporters is an affront to all Canadians, and when Killoran sees injustice, he leaps into action as Shirtless Jogger.

"You're a corrupt, lying, racist, homophobe," Shirtless Jogger screamed at Ford, who was surrounded by several shirted people, "Answer the people's questions!"

Someone in Ford's camp tried to quiet Killoran down by running interference and handing him business cards, but Shirtless Jogger was having none of it. "I don't want his card, nobody wants his card, give it to somebody who cares." 

Killoran has clearly had enough of Rob Ford, and took full advantage of his opportunity to vent. When someone who works with Rob Ford suggests you should seek help for anger management, it's safe to say you've worked up a head of steam. As Shirtless Jogger put it, "I'm not violent, I'm not slurring people, I'm expressing my democratic opinion."

The encounter was posted online and resonated with many frustrated Canadians, who showed their support on Twitter using #ShirtlessJogger.

Headed to Toronto tomorrow. Really hoping I run into the #ShirtlessJogger. He's high on my need-to-fist-bump list. http://t.co/2w0pGsvblE

— Glen Matthews (@GlenJM) July 2, 2014

Truth comes in many forms. Occasionally, in the form of a shirtless, jogging man with a bone to pick #shirtlessjoggerhttp://t.co/dKcBLMigtT

— Brian Sheppard (@BrianFJSheppard) July 2, 2014

#ShirtlessJogger Joe Killoran is both the hero Toronto deserves and the one it NEEDS. http://t.co/hm4ygVxY1l

— Erin Imrie (@ErinImrie) July 2, 2014

#ShirtlessJogger YAY JOE so proud of you!! We need more people who aren't afraid to speak the truth!! I say Joe Killoran for Mayor!!!!

— Zoe (@blaze57) July 2, 2014

So for anyone worried that sobriety spelled the end of exciting Rob Ford videos, have no fear, Shirtless Jogger is here.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

This cheese is Havarti.

God Bless America? Star-Spangled Banner? You're A Grand Ole Flag? Sorry, my spotify just got so bored it went into a coma. Those are songs about "America," whatever that means anymore. They're not about the holiday that celebrates America, July 4th. We've needed a good 4th carol for centuries now, and we've finally got it thanks to Rosa G.

Not even 50 states are enough to contain all her enthusiasm. Pledge allegiance to fun in the sun, patriots. Happy 4th.

(by Bob Powers)

Finally, something to save you the hassle of mixing your coffee and wine yourself. (via FB)

Someone put wine in my coffee! Someone put coffee in my wine! It's Coffee Wine from Friends Fun Wine! Two great tastes that never taste good in a can that are now put together in a can!

It all makes perfect sense. It's the marriage of two products that are perfect for divorcees. Too depressed to get out of bed? Crack open a Friends Run Wine Cabernet Coffee Espresso and let the coffee buzz get you up while the wine buzz takes care of your feelings of worthlessness. Need to look your boss in the eye? Hide a Friend's Fun Wine Chardonnay Coffee Cappuccino in your desk to excite/lull you into the perfect state of IDGAF.

In an effort to understand the geniuses behind the greatest product to ever threaten to put the entire brunch industry out of business, I had to do a lot of soul Internet searching, and what I found will shock you more than the idea that a company would be bold enough to blend two of humanity's greatest vices in the first place. Brace yourselves. The coffee wine is non-caffeinated. 

Not caffeinated. Why? Why???

From their Facebook page: 

"We know you must be curious, and it's a bit hard to describe the taste - you have to experience it, but once you try it you will fall in love, we promise! it's a non caffeinated, low alcohol, low calorie drink."

A "coffee illusion" indeed. Boregasm. (via FB)

Let's ignore their claim that it is low alcohol for the moment. It is still 6% ABV which, while not quite up to wine standards, is still on par with the booze content of beer. The bigger issue is, how could they create such an abomination without delivering on the implicit promise to keep us awake while we get fucked up? For the taste? You aren't going to trick me into liking coffee wine just for the taste of it like Coca-cola wants us to drink their diet version just for the taste of rat cancer. No, sir! I reject it! At least disgusting Diet Coke is caffeinated. (In fairness to coffee wine, Diet Coke does not have precious alcohol, but they also don't call it Diet Coke Wine.)

My only guess is that the canned coffee notes are added to cover the terrible taste of their canned wines, and I vow to try every flavor to find out. 

(by Myka Fox)

"Oh my god! It's beautiful!"

This little girl's amazingly sweet, impossibly appreciative reaction to receiving a wadded-up pair of men's underwear as a gift is so life-affirmingly adorable that it almost makes you forget that her mom gave her a wadded-up pair of men's underwear as a gift. What?!

Granted, this was a joke. I get that. The mom clearly intended to record her daughter Kylee's sad reaction to a really shitty gift so that she could have a hilarious video for YouTube. Unfortunately, her little girl has the untainted soul of a Taoist master, so that plan kinda fell through. Except it actually didn't, because—as luck would have it—Kylee is so off-the-charts sweet that she ended up with something even better. So, congratulations? I guess?

Also, just when you thought this mom couldn't be any more of a timeless monster for the ages, you realize that she recorded the whole video with portrait orientation instead of landscape. Shut it down! Shut it all down!

(by Dennis DiClaudio)