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How You Get Ready For A Date


Girl smoothly gets out of FaceTiming with a guy with some slick Photoshop.

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This is Julie.

When invited to ft (FaceTime...kids don't have time for full words) she politely declined by saying she doesn't have the technology...but the dude had his detective hat that day (Note: I'm guessing that it's a dude. The person is pretty damn adamant about getting to see Julie's "cute face").

("ikr" is "I know right"...ain't nobody got time for sentences)

And the kicker...

Twitter was instantly impressed.

Thankfully super sleuth on the other end didn't see that it said "iMessage" at the top or we wouldn't have gotten this thread.

While rejection is tough, don't be afraid to take no for an answer.

Woman leaves savage breakup voicemail for her gelato shop when it betrays her on New Year's Eve.

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Look, every now and then you're going to have a crappy New Year's Eve. (Just ask Mariah Carey.) One Australian woman had a particularly terrible evening this year when her gelato shop closed early on New Year's Eve, leaving her to ring in 2017 sans-gelato. The woman was so distraught by her gelato shop's betrayal, that she called and left them a savage breakup voicemail.

The shop, Gelato Messina, posted the voicemail to Facebook with the caption, "To the lady who left this on our voicemail on New Years Eve, we really are sorry and we love you too. Let's get back together?"

Desperately Seeking….Susan, Sarah…Sally?

To the lady who left this on our voicemail on New Years Eve, we really are sorry and we love you too. Let’s get back together?

Posted by Gelato Messina on Tuesday, January 3, 2017

“Are you really sorry that you’re closed at 6 p.m. on New Year’s Eve. Are you? Because you should be," the woman said in the voicemail.

(You're never sorry, gelato!)

"My New Year’s Eve is now ruined. I had plans to buy at least a litre and a half of Messina, as I do every week, and sit on my couch, and eat it and then make New Year’s Eve resolutions to never eat it again,"

(Seriously, gelato, how could you do this to her?)

But wait, there's more. The voicemail went on to say that the woman has "a serious relationship with Messina," and that the gelato had been there "through the hardest times of my life."

(Aw. It's always so devastating when love ends.)

Some Facebook commenters were skeptical as to whether the message was real or just an advertising ploy. The company was quick to assure everyone that it was, in fact, a real message.

"We promise it’s real, the shop replied to one comment. "All had a very good laugh in the office today and genuinely are curious as to who this lady is."

Something tells us this woman may come to her senses and call off the breakup. Let's just give her some time to cool off. No one can ever truly end a relationship with delicious gelato.

I only logged into social media to brag about taking a break from social media.

Watch real parents explain periods to their kids. It's as awkward as puberty.

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Talking about your kids about their changing bodies is uncomfortable for all parties involved, and believing it or not, doing it on camera for a YouTube video doesn't make things any less awkward. The Cut released a cringe-tastic video called "Parents Explain Periods," and you won't know who to feel worse for— the kids who physically shutter at hearing the word "vagina" or the parents who have to explain how to insert a tampon.

Yikes, it looks like some of these parents need a refresher on periods of their own (I'm looking at you, man who thought a panty liner was gauze).

What Wakes You Up In The Morning

Restaurant owned by Middle-Eastern immigrants goes viral for the best reason.

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The owners of Marché Ferdous, a Middle Eastern restaurant in Montreal, wanted to "give back" to the community that has made them feel welcome as first-generation immigrants. Yahya Hashemi and Ala Amiry, originally from Iran and Iraq respectively, started by giving out free meals to the homeless, Buzzfeed News reports. Then, they decided to expand their generous policy.

A few months ago, they put a sign on the door. It reads: "People with no money welcome to eat free."

A Montreal resident named Sean Jalbert snapped a photo of the sign, and it went viral on Facebook.

https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=10154759668566605&id=511201604&pnref=story

He wrote:

Curious enough I walked in and pretend I had no money and asked for food. She didn't ask anything, but said we welcome you and pick whatever you like, including anything I wanted to drink.

Made me smile and warm inside I paid for my food and told them they were awesome for doing this. They said it wasn't for the holiday season, but all the time they want to encourage helping each other through tough times. Absolutely incredible.

Share the fuck out of this. Maybe someone you know may need help to eat tonight. Spread the love.

The restaurant owners are reaping the benefits of their good deed. They said paying customers have swarmed to the restaurant to show support, and many others have posted glowing reviews on their Facebook page, thanking the owners for their generosity.

Like this one:

Other people have shared photos of the restaurant sign on social media, too.

This makes me so happy. There are still people with hearts of gold. Thank you Marche Ferdous❤️❤️❤️

Posted by Sita Zarrabian on Wednesday, December 7, 2016

“It is unbelievable, the reaction for a small little thing,” Hashemi told Buzzfeed Newsof the restaurant's viral attention.

He said the main reason they started the generous effort was to thank the community for being so welcoming to them as Muslim Middle Eastern immigrants. “Canada give us a lot,” he said. “We thought this is a small little thing we can contribute to the community.”

Only in Canada. As if we needed yet another reason to move there.

The Boy Bye Bot will get rid of creepy dudes for you.

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Have you ever had your innocent, pure phone inundated with penises? Has a dude ever simply ignored your "no thanks," taking it as a mere suggestion until you give him your number?

Well, have we got a bot for you!

Comedian Hassan S. Ali has designed the Boy Bye Bot, the robo-rejection line that'll shut down fuccbois for you, and maybe even teach them a thing or two.

Give out the number 1-626-466-3293, (that's 1-626-466-3293), and when a dude texts it, a chatbot replies with links to Jezebel articles, the Planned Parenthood donation page, and clingy texts enough to scare them off for good.

The Boy Bye Bot is an update on 2007's Rejection Line, a collaboration between super siblings Jonah and Chelsea Peretti from back when people used to make phone calls.

Here are some highlights from the modern text message version.

1. The Planned Parenthood plug:

Screen Shot 2017-01-03 at 12.23.05 AM.png

2. The Jezebel offensive:

Screen Shot 2017-01-03 at 12.15.35 AM.png

3. The coming on too strong:

screen-shot-2016-12-22-at-1-18-57-pm

Peruse the whole archive at BoyByeBot.com.

The number is that's 1-626-466-3293.

That's 1-626-466-3293.

Let the fake number take care of the real creepers for you, so you can live your life and pass the number to the next one.


Throwback Thursday reminds me of when I could drink on a Thursday and still make it to work on Friday.

Video of cowboy lassoing a cow from a police car is the most Texas thing ever.

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What's the most Texas thing you can think of? Is it a cowboy roping a steer, while riding on the hood of a police car and wearing a cowboy hat? Because that happened this week. In Texas, obviously. Luckily Sheriff Monte Belew, who was inside the cop car, captured the stunt on Facebook, where it has gone viral.

You can see why nearly three million people have watched this modern reality version of a Wild West action flick:

Hats off to my ole buddy David Bevill !! We had a calf running down Hwy 79 and he came & helped us.. Bevill rode on the front of my car & roped the calf !!

Posted by Monte Belew on Tuesday, January 3, 2017

"Hats off to my ole buddy David Bevill !!" the Sheriff wrote in the caption. "We had a calf running down Hwy 79 and he came & helped us.. Bevill rode on the front of my car & roped the calf !!"

According to the Paris Post-Intelligencer, the steer (male cattle, I have just learned) was one of two animals that escaped Tuesday morning after a truck gate came open along Highway 79 near Paris, Texas. Neither animal was harmed and they've both since been returned to their owner.

Bevill, the cowboy in the video, was apparently a friend of the Sherriff's who whipped out a lasso and jumped in to the fray to help. In case you had any doubts about his legitimacy, Bevill's wife shared this photo on Facebook to prove that her husband is, in fact, a real cowboy:

Changing my profile picture in honor of David becoming an internet sensation! He will just die! He doesn't even get on the internet. Hehehe😂 #cowboycopcar

Posted by Andrea Baker Bevill on Thursday, March 5, 2015

Verified. You know you're a real cowboy when you don't "get on the internet."

Bristol Palin calls all musicians who refuse to perform at the inauguration "sissies" in her latest blog post.

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If you didn't know that Bristol Palin is a blogger, buckle up because you're in for a treat. The daughter of former Alaska governor, Sarah Palin, has written some gems for the religion-focused blog Patheos, like a recent post where she slams Salon for discussing the positive effects of talking about abortion in TV and film. Her latest subject? All of the "sissies" who are refusing to perform at Donald Trump's inauguration.

In a post titled 11 A-list artists that refused to perform at Donald Trump’s inauguration​, Palin describes those who have said "no thanks" to Trump's invite as "mega-celebrities, who would normally drool over an invitation to sing for the president," who now, "want no part of it." And she just can't wrap her head around why that would be.

"Isn’t it amazing how 'not cool' it is to be conservative in the public eye?" Palin writes. If Trump was just conservative, I think people would be a lot less terrified about the future of our country. Rather, it's the fact that he has so thoroughly threatened so many groups of people living in the U.S. by doing things like threaten to make a Muslim registry, joke about sexual assault, and condone white supremacy, to name a few. Being conservative is the least of these performers' worries. I wish we could go back to the days when our elections included one candidate who was a bit more fiscally and socially conservative than another, versus having a candidate with no political background who has been compared to Hitler go up against someone considered the most qualified person to run. Those were the days.

Palin finds it impossible to believe that none of the pop stars who were asked to to perform aren't secretly conservative: "we have so many sissies we have in the spot light too scared to stand for what they believe in!" While it's difficult to follow her sentence construction, what she seems to be saying is that there are some performers out there who secretly align with Trump's "conservative" values, but are afraid to admit it. She also uses a pejorative term, "sissies" to make her point, which is homophobic and generally demonstrates a narrow understanding of gender.

In the post, Palin goes on to call out specific performers who have been allegedly asked to perform and declined. She calls out Garth Brooks saying, "Brooks and his wife, fellow country legend Trisha Yearwood, had no problem singing for President Obama at this year’s Christmas tree lighting celebration." Clearly, Palin doesn't see a difference between performing for Obama versus performing for Trump. It's not that they're afraid to perform at political events, Bristol! It's that they don't want to support someone who might start World War III with a tweet.

Ultimately, Palin uses the sales and success of the one singer who is currently locked in to perform, former America's Got Talent contestant Jackie Evancho, to make her point. What she doesn't point out is that the success of Evancho's Christmas album, "Someday at Christmas," could also have simply lined up with the 2016 holiday season (versus being a result of her saying "yes" to the inauguration performance). As we all know, correlation doesn't imply causation.

Palin describes her beat in her Patheos bio as, "I am Pro Life, Pro God, and Pro Guns. I enjoy using this blog as a platform to talk about issues that are near and dear to my heart." Well I guess writing weak burns of Elton John's outfits is an issue near and dear to Palin's heart. Keep nailing that beat and honing your craft, Palin. Blogging is a marathon, not a sprint.

Twitter is freaking out over this toy horse with a 'detailed' 'human' piece of anatomy.

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Photos of a toy horse went viral on Twitter today because of a shall we say unique feature. At first glance this is just a cute plastic horse that I would have loved to play with when I was a kid (I was a horse girl, please don't tell anyone).

But the makers of most toy animals, as I remember, opt for a smooth, ambiguous surface in place of genitalia. That seems like the simplest way to go, right??

But not this toy company. Nope. They decided to make this horse as realistic as possible, right down to its toy genitalia. See for yourself:

It's a boy!

"Not sure why this toy needs this level of detail," wrote Velcoro in a tweet with photos of the toy, which has been retweeted over 10,000 times. He also followed up to provide context:

Twitter, unsurprisingly, had a lot to say about it. Some pointed out problems with the toy's anatomy, like the fact that it doesn't even match its species:

Whoops!

Others pointed out that the toy makers didn't do the horse any favors:

But size didn't matter to this hopeful match-maker:

Others also shared pics of toy animals that similarly have too many details for comfort:

Why are we even talking about this at all? One guy has a pretty good theory:

Good point. And as far as why the horse's nether-regions are so detailed? No one seems to know. Even the horse.

I guess someone went a little nuts at the toy factory that day.

The employee behind Wendy's salty tweets has been revealed, and she's freaking hilarious.

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If you haven't noticed, Wendy's Twitter account has had the internet freaking out lately. It all started on January 3, when a Twitter user called "Thuggy-D" attempted to say that Wendy's was lying about the fact that they don't ever freeze their burgers. It didn't go over so well, and the user deleted their account. Then, the Wendy's account accidentally retweeted a racist meme. Oops! And since then, all semblances of social media decorum have been utterly dropped, as Wendy's has dished out dozens of no-holds-barred replies to internet trolls. I mean:

So, who is behind these "sick burns," if you will? Her name is Amy Brown, and she's been the social media manager for Wendy's since 2012, Mashable reports. According to Wendy's VP of Advertising, Brandon Rhoten, she got the job "after trolling her on Twitter." Not sure what's worse: being trolled on Twitter or sitting through an interview, but I'm glad she got the job.

Brown and her social media team were also behind the Wendy's vs. Burger King duel in January of 2016, which you might have forgotten about. When asked what was better than Burger King's "5 for $4" deal, Wendy's responded with an own that broke the internet:

Weird how it seems like every so often Wendy's comes out of the woodwork to create drama, right? Apparently, that's just how Brown's circadian rhythm works.

Was Brown destined to be the social media manager for the fast food chain? Maybe. Even her mom knew she'd someday put her teenage snark to use.

Even if she comes off as snarky, Brown clearly has a heart of gold. She even spreads the credit for her recent internet popularity around to the rest of her social media team! What a freaking gem.

Not sure if Amy is looking for part-time gigs right now, but I'd personally love to hire her to walk around with me the next time I expect to get catcalled.

If you come over tonight I'll make catching my cold worth it.

David Bowie didn't know he was terminally ill until his last few months.

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While many people believe that David Bowie's final album, "Blackstar," was meant as a parting gift to his fans before he died of liver cancer, a new documentary reveals that Bowie didn't know he was terminally ill during the making of the song, The Guardian reports. The film, David Bowie: The Last Five Years​, is set to air on BBC2 this Saturday, as a commemoration of the beloved star's death in January 2016.

Bowie's death came just a few days after the release of his 25th album, but he kept his illness a secret from the world. Amidst the critical acclaim he was receiving for his album, suddenly, he was gone. Some fans saw his video for "Lazarus" as a sort of foreshadowing of his terminal diagnosis; it depicts him lying in a stark hospital bed, blindfolded and struggling to sit upright. In many ways, the song's lyrics felt like a statement on how near to death Bowie, 69 when he died, felt, as well as a reflection on all he had accomplished.

Look up here, I'm in heaven
I've got scars that can't be seen
I've got drama, can't be stolen
Everybody knows me now

While it's a logical conclusion to draw, the director of the video, Johan Renck, says it's not true, and that he actually came up with the video a week before Bowie found out he was terminal. "To me it had to do with the biblical aspect of it ... it had nothing to do with him being ill," says Renck. "I found out later that, the week we were shooting, it was when he was told it was over, they were ending treatments and that his illness had won."

The new documentary promises to shed light on many aspects of Bowie's final years, a period when he chose to live further removed from the public eye. The director, Francis Whately, previously made another Bowie documentary, Five Years, which focused on five of the musician's creatively significant years from 1971 - 1983. Whately also believes that treating Blackstar as a parting gift that Bowie created for his fans is reductive.

"People are so desperate for Blackstar to be this parting gift that Bowie made for the world when he knew he was dying but I think it’s simplistic to think that. There is more ambiguity there than people want to acknowledge. I don’t think he knew he was going to die."

While the documentary might leave us with even more questions than answers, that's probably exactly what Bowie would have wanted.


Twitter users are responding to GOP's plan to defund Planned Parenthood by saying why they #StandWithPP.

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House Speaker Paul Ryan announced on Thursday that Republicans will move to defund Planned Parenthood as a part of the bill to dismantle Obamacare, The Hill reports. This will happen by way of a "reconciliation" bill that prevents Democrats from instigating a filibuster against it, and means that Republicans wont need 60 votes to win the plan to cut off federal dollars to the reproductive health nonprofit.

For many women who rely on Planned Parenthood for regular access to reproductive health services, this means that their worst fears from the Trump/Pence campaign are coming true. The last time Planned Parenthood was defunded under the same ruling, it cut off funding for a full year. In the face of the ruling, the internet's best feminists have taken to Twitter, using the hashtag #StandWithPP to promote awareness for the essential services that the nonprofit provides.

While this war against women's reproductive rights rages on, take solace in the many strong voices who are standing with Planned Parenthood. You might even learn a bit more about the many things they've done to help women with their health issues:

And one for the boys:

Bringing gym clothes to work is the new going to the gym.

Mel Gibson let a random pedestrian shave off his beard on live TV.

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Mel Gibson has done and said some pretty crazy things in the past, but some stranger still let him close to his head with sharp objects. Gibson appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live!on Thursday and agreed to give a pedestrian a haircut in exchange for them shaving off the glorious beard he has been sporting for years.

Shave and a haircut, two Gibs.

Well it looks like Mel made out better than William, the brave but somewhat foolish volunteer whose majestic mane turned out looking like this in the end:

OH GOD NO. That is a bigger mess than Passion of the Christ.

However, after this segment ended, Mel went whole hog and did away with the beard completely before being interviewed by Kimmel later in the program. As Kimmel puts it, he "looks like Mel Gibson again." Check out the big reveal after the shave:

Key and Peele's 'Obama and Luther' return one last time to roast Donald Trump.

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On Thursday night, Keegan Michael-Key (of Key & Peele) was a guest on The Daily Show, where he premiered an exclusive clip of himself and comedy partner Jordan Peele doing one last sketch as President Obama and his anger translator, Luther. This time they're taking on President-elect Donald Trump.

Key tells host Noah Trevor that Key & Peele writer/producer Jay Martel had written this sketch as an exercise in catharsis. It doesn't change anything, but it least it's funny. While everything else about President-elect Trump might be awful, at least we can enjoy watching Luther kick that Donald Trump piñata​.

A woman's white dog gave birth to black puppies and the internet's chanting for 'Maury.'

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When 19-year-old Jacqueline Arguello's dog gave birth to a litter of black puppies, she not only had an armful of gorgeous, adorable little doggos on her hands, she also had a juicy, salacious episode of Maury. And a viral tweet. And what more can you ask for really?

Let's take a closer look.

Here are the two parents, both white dogs.

Here are the puppies, none of which are white dogs.

Here is Maury Povich, doing his best 'people are about to slap faces' face.

An arguably perfect tweet.

Put aside, for now, the fact that two dogs with white fur can—because of genes and alleles and all sorts of science—apparently give birth to puppies with black fur. THAT IS NOT IMPORTANT NOW.

Right now, let's focus on what's important, like making jokes about a "pupternity" test and tweeting memes of people looking like "ohhhhhhhh it's about to go DOWN."

Ok, now go ahead and point out that it's entirely possible this momma dog did not cheat on the pappa dog, and that this canine family will never appear on Maury because they're dogs and because they're dogs in perfect marital harmony. Plenty of people ruined the joke by tweeting that same sentiment at Arguello, who pointed out, repeatedly, that it was just a joke.

Author's note: I'm aware that there is no "Maury chant" in the way that there's a "Jerry chant," but there really should be, right?

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