He laughed! Then he pointed at me and some guys took me away for a few hours.

President Barack Obama visited Denver, Colorado yesterday, and the Prez' visit to the first state to legalize marijuana has already resulted in some iconic possibly-weed-related moments, like seeing Obama shake hands with a man wearing a horse-head mask. The trip's highlight (hehe...highlight) definitely came from Instagram user Manton89, who may or may not have been Rocky Mountain Hii-iiiiiiiiiiiigh yesterday when he filmed himself asking the leader of the free world if he wanted a hit of Manton's blunt.

That is the smile of a man who knows exactly how many hours there are until he gets off work being President on the night of January 20, 2017 (as of press time, about 22,200 hours) and can light up a huge blunt. Don't torture the President, Manton. I'm sure he'll have plenty of time to chill when he retires to Colorado and tries to forget about his troubles.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Suddenly gluten isn't a huge problem.(via KTLA)

Anytime you're on a plane, you like to think that the pilot is a quick-thinking, Sully Sullenberger hero-type prepared to handle any emergency that might come up. On Monday, one Frontier Airlines pilot proved himself to be just that kind of hero with a single phone call to Dominos Pizza.

While ordering pizza isn't exactly landing a disabled plane on the Hudson River, a Denver-bound flight that's out of food and stuck on a tarmac in Wyoming for two hours due to weather is a miserable scenario. That's the situation this pilot was facing when he made the call to Dominos for 35 pies to feed 160 passengers. That might sound easy, but anyone who's ordered pizza for more than two people knows it can be a mammoth pain in the ass. And that's without having to get them through airport security. 

Prepare for bloating.(via NBC)

There's something about pizza that makes almost any situation tolerable. Whether you're stuck in a stuffy boardroom meeting about office supplies or being held hostage during a botched bank robbery, the moment someone yells "pizza!" everything is suddenly better. At least until the pizza is gone, and you realize you're not only still miserable, but now stuffed with pizza, incredibly thirsty, and staring at a long line for the bathroom.

Still, for ten or fifteen glorious minutes, these passengers believed they were in the presence of a hero.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

No, her school hours are spent staging barely believable click-bait Twitter plays.

Yesterday, a college girl with a love for the grand tradition of tall tales spun a yarn on Twitter about sending a naked photograph of herself to her dad, which is very embarrassing and almost definitely didn't happen. Or maybe it did? Either way, every site on the Internet ran it. The bullshit began with a single barbaric yawp:

OMG HOW DO YOU CANCEL A TEXT MESSAGE !!

— nyyy nyyy (@dearfashionn) July 8, 2014

The urgency! Whatever is the matter, nyyy nyyy, aka Twitter's own @dearfashionn?

i just sent a nude to my dad.

— nyyy nyyy (@dearfashionn) July 8, 2014

Priceless! Dads HATE receiving photographs of their naked adult daughters! Take us on your magic carpet ride, nyyy nyyy.

like idk wtf to do man

— nyyy nyyy (@dearfashionn) July 8, 2014

Writer's block already? Workshop it, maybe? 

i dont even want to wake up tomorrow. im turning my phone off.

— nyyy nyyy (@dearfashionn) July 8, 2014

No! Suicide is way over-dramatic, and a lot of first-time writers use that as an escape hatch from a story, but try to let this one play out. Maybe intro new characters? 

OMG MY DAD WONT STOP CALLING ME! IM SO OVER THIS pic.twitter.com/DdUHZNnPSR

— nyyy nyyy (@dearfashionn) July 8, 2014

He seems like a handful! 

this is so embarrassing

— nyyy nyyy (@dearfashionn) July 8, 2014

Seriously. Just imagine if it was real!

ill nvr send a nude again!!!

— nyyy nyyy (@dearfashionn) July 8, 2014

Hey hey hey, let's not go nuts. Texting nude photos of yourself is a visually poetic form of communication in a world where people are growing more and more detached. Don't cut yourself off from your peers!

........ pic.twitter.com/EdKbZAJOA4

— nyyy nyyy (@dearfashionn) July 8, 2014

& im about to block my dad .. seriously ... pic.twitter.com/lQgfA9XV62

— nyyy nyyy (@dearfashionn) July 8, 2014

He seems upset. By the way, what are you going to school for? If it's social media communications, you deserve an A for this.

LMFAO I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING! BUT WHEN I FINALLY SEE MY DAD....... ITS A WRAP.

— nyyy nyyy (@dearfashionn) July 8, 2014

It's a wrap? Are you filming this, too? Quit breaking the fourth wall. We want the ride to last a little bit longer. Say, how'd all this happen anyway?

i honestly meant to send it to daquan , not daddy.

— nyyy nyyy (@dearfashionn) July 8, 2014

Oh, you mean Daquan, the fictional character? That makes this is all quite believable, and it makes perfect sense that everysite on the Internet would be running this story as fact today.

goodnight yall. remember #dontsendnudestodaddy !

— nyyy nyyy (@dearfashionn) July 8, 2014

But it got you so many new Twitter and Instagram followers which was the entire point and this is all lies.

imma record my dad when his ass shows up . but from afar !!!!

— nyyy nyyy (@dearfashionn) July 8, 2014

Thanks for sharing the camera angle. What lens will you be using?

Oh wait, here comes Dad now. 

Hello Mr. nyyy. You are definitely a human male and I'm sold.

Here are a bunch more videos that PROVE EVERYTHING because there's yelling and also here's a hashtag I just came up with #thiswaslies.

If this whole thing had a movie poster, the tag line would be "It's called Twitter, not Titter." Also, this was lies. 

In conclusion, this was lies. Unless nyyy nyyy and Mr. nyyy submit their phones for forensic testing and also submit to a blood test to confirm paternity, everyone needs to stop believing this happened. Some killer improv in the videos at the end, though. Yes, and, this was lies.

(by Bob Powers) 

Sour and sourer. (via)

Want to know how angry Elizabeth Hasselbeck was when she heard the news that Rosie O'Donnell is returning to The View? She interrupted her vacation to call into the morning wind farm Fox and Friends to complain about it. "What could ruin a vacation more than to hear news like this?" she asked. I could think of a few just off the top of my head - a tsunami, an earthquake, or having to vacation with a professional killjoy so bitter she's still complaining about a co-worker from a job she left over a year ago.

She's not holding a grudge, she's wedged it up her ass sideways. Here's more of what she had to say about Rosie's return:

I know Rosie very well. We worked quite closely. Talk about not securing the border! Here in comes to The View the very woman who spit in the face of our military, spit in the face of her own network, and really in the face of a person who stood by her and had civilized debates for the time that she was there, coming back with a bunch of control ready to regain a seat at the View table.”

That's a pretty polished rant for someone on vacation. So polished, it almost sounds like she's auditioning to get her old gig back. 

A Rosie and Liz reunion would be the best thing to happen to The View since the glory days of Rosie and Liz going at it. The show would still be awful, just less so than it's been in a while.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Exhibit A. (via Imgur)

Redditor giordanon went on reddit and posted the above photo with the title, "A while ago, my mom pulled my younger brother over because she suspected he was stoned. He claimed he looked fine and challenged her to take a picture for later. You be the judge."

I love being the judge, and that kid looks high as fuck. The experts on reddit thought so too. Here is just a quick grab of some of the many colorful euphemisms for how high this kid looks:

And of course, there's the stoner scale:

If any of you are wondering, no, this kid's mom is not a cop. As giordanon explains it, she is just a woman who knows her son. It was a tough break for the brother, too. Apparently he was only trying to move the car enough to park it somewhere. 

And if any of you are worried that the brother will be terrorizing the streets with those red eyes behind the wheel, giordanon reports that his brother quit smoking 6 months ago. 

But really, what is time anyway? 

(by Myka Fox)

Except a restaurant will serve alcohol to make this tolerable. (Via)

It's okay to hate the Facebook couple. In fact, it's human nature. A recent study found that people who are vocal about their committed relationships on Facebook are liked the least by others. So not only is it a common reaction to be irritated or grossed out by Facebook PDA, science proves that it's downright inevitable. So if you want to be liked on Facebook, here are 17 couples you should try not to emulate.

In this case "Yolo" means "I 100% agree with your observation concerning my maturity."(Via)

Aw, you guys make the cutest mistake. I mean, couple. Cutest couple!(Via)

Yes, even forbidden lovers are irritating.(Via)

Hope they can make it past that 7-day itch.(Via)

He only "sticks" it in when he's in love. (Via)

Gee. You guys have such a close bond it's like you don't even need Facebook. (HINT HINT!)(Via)

Some volatile trading in today's Who Loves Who More market. Hopefully tomorrow will be less nauseating. (Via)

Single people should be allowed one scot-free murder of a couple in love. Just one. Just to get it out of their systems. (Via)

Get a room! Or better yet, get a phone that texts!

Even James Cameron would side with Steven in this instance.(Via) 

Nightly pee break? Get that checked out. Also, ew.(Via)

Franklin, if you need help and you're afraid to say so, poke twice.(Via)

Um, she took the extra L for her love? Kind of want to friend Kristin just to unfriend her.(Via)

WE WOULD HAVE TAKEN YOUR WORD FOR IT!!!

She probably unfriended you. You can friend her attorney if you want. (Via)

You're her present, but you can't expect her to unfriend the past.(Via)

(by Bob Powers)

Hahahah that dude on the left. (via Hernando County Sheriff)

Logan Brown, 18, and Christopher Ramos, 20, are the stars of the greatest stoner caper of all time. Last week they blazed up and broke into an elementary school in Spring Hill, Florida (sigh), where they stole a bunch of Froot Loops (good choice, arguably one of the tastiest stoner snacks).

The sheriff's office described this activity by saying they were "going on an adventure."

I bet it was. I remember how small those chairs were, I can't believe we used to fit in them.

Once they got in (the report does not include how, allowing us to imagine something like this), they wandered the halls until they found an open classroom stocked with Froot Loops. Jackpot. 

They nabbed the Loops, but security cameras caught video of them on the premises. Check them out, you're not going to believe this.

Head lamps and fatigues!

Loops in hand!

Oh, the imagination on these boys. This must have been the best organized Froot Loops heist in Kellogg's history.

Once the pictures went up on the HCSO Facebook page, a bunch of people narced the dudes out and they were busted. Both Brown and Ramos were arrested on Tuesday and charged with burglary of an unoccupied structure, but within hours they were released from Hernando County jail. 

An interesting arrest, considering all of the movement in the effort to legalize weed. Proof that marijuana is in fact a gateway drug... to sugary cereal. 

(by Myka Fox)

This kid writing to his parents is really getting a jump on his teen years. (Via)

Kids are shockingly disgusting, perverse, and inappropriate. They're also our future. So we should probably pay attention to the weird messages they're passing to each other during class, because someday they'll be teachers, cops, and senators still passing poorly spelled notes with overtly sexual content. Here are some of the best kids' notes we've ever seen, and by best we mean they'll make you question ever having children.

All day long? How does she find the time to teach? (Via)

.

She did say balls. The kid is human.(Via) 

.

She was trying to write "cute"? I hope? (Via)

.

If it makes you feel better, everyone living is also dying.(Via)

.

Seriously, Valerie. Run girl! (Via)

Updated 5/22/14:

She really needs to find a job where her boss respects her.(via)

Blunt, but concise. (via)

Dr. Lawrence has excellent handwriting for a doctor. (via)

At least she told you where she was. (via)

On the other hand, you may look handsome. Who is Nicholas to say? (via)

Better you learn now that it's a crul, crul world. (via)

Updated 4/24/14:

You'll get your diamond earrings when you start flossing, kid. (via)

That's cool. It happens. (via)

Kids these days can't even spell "cunt." (via)

TV will keep your teacher from being lonely, don't worry. (via)

And hopefully studying my dictionary. (via)

Well that's just a reasonable request. (via)

Updated 3/31/14:

You go girl. (via)

A simple, but effective plan. (via) 

Adults these days are horrible spellers. (via)

Always vomit with caution, young one! (via)

Inconsistently and with lots of scratching? (via)

There's an implicit threat of bodily harm in this note that makes me uncomfortable. (via)

Updated 2/26/14:

There's no limit to how many times she'd ceck on her brother. (via)

Thanks for the not-at-all creepy love letter! (via)

I'd be worried, but I'm too distracted by your grammar. (via)

I'm flattered. No one's ever called me cunt before. (via)

Tell no one, Ashley. (via)

Seriously Chad, what is your deal? (via)

Updated 1/25/14:

Seems pretty accurate. (via) (Click here to see the rest...)

Where does she circle to lead him on for the next six months? (via)

That diagram is crystal clear! Crystal! (via Huffington Post)

When apologizing fails, be honest. (via)

And WHAT?!! (via)

LOL that bitch deserves someone better. (via)

Updates 10/10/13:

But rest assured, they will not fail again.(via)

It's never too early to teach rap education.(via)

Oh god, the red.(via)

He's probably putting way more hearts on his girl's notes.(via)

Dear Julia: Ew. Love, T.F.(via)

Never fight a man armed with a lolepop.(via)

Updated 9/13/13:

Don't believe him, girl! He's just trying to get between your sticks. (via)

No no, break her heart the day before your anniversary. Sigh. You'll get there. (via)

Always ask for consent before putting your special thing in there but. (via)

 Why would anyone want to shoot a cat with a gasoline pump? (via)

Hate to break it to you, Julian, but you're still getting hit in the middle. (via)

Of course you love me. If you didn't, you would talk to me. (via)

What I'm trying to say is, you look like a sack of potatoes. (via)

Honesty is the most delicious policy. (via)

Oh, well if she's got those tet tet's, go to her. (via)

by Dan Abromowitz

1. Make a list of your problems. For example, if you are in debt, you would write down, "Debt."

2. Identify strategies you might use to solve your problems. For example, if you are in debt, you should think of ways to get money to pay your debt.*

3. Look to friends, family, and colleagues with similar problems for further strategies. Think outside the box! For example, if all your friends are in debt, do the opposite of them.**

4. Cleanse your body of toxins.

5. Have a little snackie.

6. Map out obstacles that may hinder you from solving your problems. Difficulty is a common obstacle, as is you're tired. ⁂

7. Identify strategies for overcoming these obstacles. For example, if you're tired, you should think of ways to not be so tired.

8. It sure wouldn't kill you to smile now and then.†

9. Have another snackie; you've earned it. ‡

10. List pros and cons.

11. Color code.

12. Have yourself a think.

13. Come up with a good plan to solve your problems. For example, if you are in debt, your plan should address that.

14. Put your plan into action! This is the fun part.

15. Double-check that you were successful. For example, you should no longer be in debt. §

16. Congratulations, you no longer have problems! Now pick up a Carvel and make love to the wife.

*If your problems include being held indefinitely in a Turkish prison, this step is especially important. Don't skip this step!

** If you're in Turkish prison, it's unlikely you have access to anyone with any idea how to get out. Instead, you should maybe watch Eastern Promises, which I haven't seen but I think is about Turkish prison? It's got Viggo Mortensen, anyways, who's always a fortifying presence.

⁂ Okay, a quick Wikipedia says Eastern Promises has nothing to do with Turkish prison; it's got a famous fight scene in a Turkish bathhouse, but how's that gonna help you, you know? The movie I was thinking of with the Turkish prison was MidnightExpress, which my dad calls "a good watch." If you ran out and expended all of your meager Turkish prison capital finding a way to watch Eastern Promises, that's on you, I said you should "maybe" watch it, and you go rogue without even a quick IMDB. Good riddance.

† This is especially true in Turkish prison, where the real killer isn't Big Yusuf's big knife, but despair. Again, though, I haven't seen Midnight Express, so I can't say for sure. I do feel bad about misleading you on Eastern Promises, so if you send me the address of your Turkish prison (include cell block/# or a brief description of your pit) I'll see if I can't mail you a DVD of MidnightExpress baked into a nice pound cake. For help finding a DVD player, see steps 6-7.

‡ And don't just throw the cake away or tear it to pieces in your haste to get at Midnight Express. Maybe it got a little banged up in transit but that's my geegaw's recipe and regarding poundcake she knew what the fuck she was doing. Dole out that cake smart-like to your fellow Turkish inmate and you just might make it out of there intact.

§ By this point I'm assuming you're out of Turkish prison. Congratulations! You're welcome! If you tried and failed to escape from Turkish prison, God help you. Should have paid more attention to the steps, buddy.

(Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.)

"Past the second sign on the right, and straight on 'til bacon!"

Before you get too concerned about what part of the country just lets things like this happen, let me assure you that this did not happen in America, or even in Florida. The video was uploaded with a title in Russian (not exactly the language of road safety), but the video looks like it is maybe from Southeast Asia. Both of those are just guesses by little old white-boy me, but here's one thing I'm sure of: this dog is loving it. His owners don't seem too concerned, either, so maybe he does this a lot. 

It looks to the untrained eye (me) that what actually happened here is that the dog was riding in the back of the truck, then hopped up on top of the car and wandered onto the hood for a second before regaining the spot he was looking for: the one on top of the world. Yes, this is objectively "wrong." But the look on that dog's face as he turns into the wind is all kinds of right.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Bearded lady or lady-ish bear?

Here's some footage of New York-based actor Matt Bittner ostensibly doing his "super excited" girl voice while fooling around after a recent show. I say "ostensibly" because, I don't know, it's so good that it kind of strains credulity. 

Like, how can I tell whether this is a man doing a really, really convincing impression of a woman, or a woman in a really, really convincing man costume? Either option seems equally plausible.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

1. 'Game Of Thrones' Slashes A Bloody Swath Of Gore Through Emmy Competition — Racks Up 19 Nominations

Game of Thrones—everybody's favorite outlet for crushing misery and unnecessary nudity—dominates this year's Emmy announcements with 19 nominations, including Best Drama Series, Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series (Peter Dinklage) and Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series (Lena Headey). Sadly, the Emmy board still fails to acknowledge Best Eye-Gouging-Out Scene in a Drama Series or they could have had an even 20.

cannot BELIEVE my Skype session with parents last month where I convinced them I have a job and girlfriend didn't get an Emmy nom!

— Matt Oswalt (@Puddinstrip) July 10, 2014

2. Utah To Fight All The Way To The Supreme Court For Its Right To Hate Gay People

Intent on maintaining its position as the state most intolerant to oppressed minorities, Utah is planning to appeal to SCOTUS after a federal appeals court decided that its ban on gay marriage was unconstitutional. This way, after the Supreme Court rules on the case, the title Utah vs. Human Decency can be immortalized in U.S. law books forever more. 

BREAKING: Utah to appeal directly to Supreme Court for permission to continue denying gay people the rights that straight people enjoy.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) July 9, 2014

3. LeBron James To Sign With The Cavaliers Unless He Re-Signs With The Heat Unless He Signs With Some Other Team

According to the latest speculations, the much-sought-after free-agent NBA MVP LeBron James is on the verge of turning the league upside down by signing with the Cleveland Cavaliers, while also being on the verge of setting the sport ablaze by re-signing with the Miami Heat. He's also on the verge of exploding the game, upending basketball as we know it and demolishing all expectations by signing with another dozen or so teams. 

I can't imagine what Lebron is going through. I couldn't even decide what kind of soup to get for lunch today.

— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) July 10, 2014

4. Christian Bale Stars As Beloved Orphan-Turned-Crusader Character From Classic Superhero Book

Movie fans are finally getting the chance to be unnerved and disappointed with their first look at Christian Bale as Moses in Ridley Scott's upcoming Bible epic Exodus: Gods and Kings in this newly released trailer.

"starring christian bale as moses" will never stop being a preposterous sentence

— Dan (@queerly_it_is) July 8, 2014

5. Person Every Man Wants To Sleep With Is Having A Baby With Eva Mendes

Sorry, heterosexual men everywhere, but you know that one man you would gladly allow to impregnate you if only nature would allow it? He's impregnated somebody else. And to make matters worse, she's just a regular old human woman. Eva Mendes will have the honor of giving birth to Ryan Gosling's son in about two months. It's not fair!

Eva Mendes knew she was pregnant because when she took her pregnancy test Ryan Gosling's eyes turned a more magnificent shade of blue

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 9, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Baby's first high-speed race. (via)

A lot of babies are conceived in a parking lot, not so often born in one.

Kristin Dickerson of Rosenberg, Texas, went into labor in the middle of the night after 42 long weeks of pregnancy (humans usually only gestate for 38 weeks.) Her husband, Troy Dickerson, did what any husband would do: strap a GoPro to his head and document the 95 mile an hour race to the hospital. 

Being so far overdue you would think the baby would be fine waiting for the one man camera crew to assemble, but all along the drive we can hear Kristen screaming, "I can't make it!" and asking for him to pull over. You know how dudes are about stopping on the road, though, Troy insisted they could make it to the hospital and they do -- just barely. Kristen is barely out of the car when the baby decides enough is enough. Kristen delivers the baby Truett into Troys arms right outside of the hospital, with a team of nurses arriving at the very last moments. 

The whole thing is caught on camera. It's a ten minute video, I suggest watching the initial car excitement and then skipping to the birth action five minutes in. Don't worry, the explicit bits have been censored but it is very easy to follow the action. 

To his credit, Troy is very calm during the whole process and both the baby and mother emerge victoriously healthy.

So how does mom feel about having that whole thing filmed?

“I’m thrilled to have the footage,” Kristin told ABC News. “I’m more hesitant to send it to people, because it’s such an intimate moment for us, but as a birth educator, it’s really cool to let people see that our bodies know what to do.”

Definitely cool. For her. My body would have told me to punch my husband in the face if he put on a camera while I was going into labor. 

(by Myka Fox)