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Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert engage in an epic battle to determine who's the bigger Star Wars nerd.

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So glad he didn't go with the metal bikini.

So, as you may have heard, J.J. Abrams started this thing called the Star Wars Force for Change which benefits UNICEF, which I think is either a humanitarian effort that provides assistance to families in developing countries or a big pachyderm-like monster that roams the wild plains of the planet Manda'yaim in the Outer Rim Territories of the galaxy. Or maybe it's both, I'm not sure.

Anyway, by contributing to the charity, you're throwing your blast helmet into the ring for a chance to have a minor part in Star Wars: Episode 7, which is maybe gonna be a pretty decent movie. But it will have its work cut out for it if it wants to top this online promo for the charity that Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart put together for a budget of (I'm guessing) $5.37. Seriously, if you just put this on repeat for two hours, it already beats the Phantom Menace. Though it is lacking for racist stereotypes. But I'm sure they could fix that in post.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)


If Porn Was Based On The Sex Lives Of Married Couples.

Til whenever.

When a couple of 30-year-old guys lip sync a conversation between 60-year-old sisters, the result is weirdly delightful.

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Seriously, what are we going to do about the apples in Michigan?

Nik from the sketch group The Kloons decided to record a conversation between his mom and his aunt and find choice snippets to lip sync to. The result is a very funny and very sweet look at the bond between two sisters in their sixties....as channeled through a couple of dudes with questionable facial hair.

(by Bob Powers)

Love stinks.

AirBNB unveiled a new logo... no matter which way you look at it, it looks like genitals.

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It's apparently a paperclip? Makes a lot less sense than butts.

Airbnb, everyone's favorite website for booking a last-minute room for vacation, renting out their apartment, or running an illegal brothel, just made themselves a brand new brand logo. I'll say this for it, it immediately made me forget all about whatever their logo was before. A lot of people think the new logo looks a bit NSFW. Really NSFW, as a matter of fact. A new Tumblr, Airbnb Logos, has sprung up just to catalog all the pornographic interpretations of the new design. You would think this would make me want to use Airbnb less. Strangely, now I just think that if I take a trip, some really risque adventures are going to ensue. Maybe that's what they were going for.


Entitled, "The Thought Process Behind Airbnb's New Logo."


We live in an age where logos can move...and this is what we do.


Not really a play on the logo, just kind of an honest statement about what happens.


Ohhhh now I understand. It's art.


Like I said, Airbnb is a great way to set up a brothel.


Just an asterisk denoting that it's not a butthole.


Great, now I'm going to see all that dirty stuff in Peter Griffin's face. Thanks, Airbnb.

Check out way more on AirBNB Logos.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Insult to injury.

Couples who got matching tattoos they hopefully won't one day regret.

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We wanted to express our love in a way only our dentist could see. (Via)

We're not cynical about love. We're realistic. Love isn't permanent. It should be allowed to grow, to change, and yes, even to die. The minute you try to pin love down with a matching tattoo of half a heart on your and your lover's left buttock, love senses you're taking it for granted and it starts planning its escape. These couples ignore that love often fades far more quickly than ink. Hopefully they're the lucky ones who will never have to laser off evidence of a bad breakup. If you're still thinking of getting a couples tattoo, you might get some good ideas from this list, but we implore you to please check the current divorce statistics before you and your beloved go under the needle.


Just because you're in love doesn't mean you shouldn't look pissed off in photographs.(Via)

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Their ink is their Link.(Via)

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If it goes south, she could ink "Bridges" on her pinky and say she's a fan. He could maybe add a T to his middle finger and say he just loves cats?(Via)

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Clavicle closeness.(Via)

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Oh fuck yeah!(Via)

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Updated 5/16/14:


That's their anniversary date. Because Google Calendar just can't be trusted.
(Via Tattoo Models.net)



If they switch to polyamory they can just replace them with tats of those 8-person novelty bikes. (Via)



Hopefully Han and Leia look better in episode 7.(Via)

 


Awwww. Ship and lighthouse. They must be from New England. (Via)



Hopefully they made the tattoo artist scream like a samurai every time the needle cut their skin.(Via)


Updated February 28.2014:


They did it for Valentine's Day. Who needs chocolate when you have scalp Legos? (Via)



If only the text on the lock read "Longlegs."(Via)

 


Another Valentine's Day one. Hey, whatever's most important to your relationship.(Via)

 


When he wants to break up, he'll get "SS" inked on his other arm. (Via)

 

They bonded over their shared love of bowel movements. (Via)

 

Updated 1/20/14:


Yeah, it's a good bet that you two don't really need the tats to let folks know. (Via)

 


Together, we are the very notion of imprisonment. (Via)

 


Aw. Way sweeter than the couple's "Buffalo Soldier" tattoo.(Via)

 


Salt and pepper. Not a pair of condoms with the intials "S" and "P." Get it right. (Via)
 

 

Updated 10/24/13:


Hastily. They love hastily. (via)

 


Whoah! Do you love each other or 70's prog rock album cover design? (via)

 


At least when they break up people will find the design too busy to try and figure out. (via)

 


Okay, probably not romantically involved. But who knows? When in Pensacola... (via)

 


Before you hit infinity, stop at a hospital to try and fend off infection. (via)

 


Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! (via)

 

Updated 9/25/13:


The Reddit post for this one read "Was Drunk, met a girl, matching tattoos." YES!!! (Via)

 


They always end up cheating with the guy with the Goofy tat. (Via)

 


This is hotter than porn. (Via)

 


Angels and cowboys is a thing? Kind of wonder if these two had matching tats with other people. (Via)

 


Awww. She probably gets pissed when Luigi stays over for like a week around the holidays. (Via)

 


Our love will last as long as a fleeting meme and yeah we broke up already. (Via)

 


There's romance and there's gore. Somwhere in between, you have really gross love.

 


Well what are you stupid birds waiting for? Home's right there!

 


We're bananas for each other? He's the Velvet Underground to her Niko? They're monkeys?

 


Together, our thighs make a really good religious bumper sticker.

 


Long distance lovers...of phallic architecture.

 


They must have really nerdy fights.

 


He wanted to pick the Swayze movie quote, but "I'm his regular Saturday night thing" wouldn't fit on her finger.

 


They almost broke up arguing over who has to live with the pit.

 


We'd like a design that shows our commitment to both of us dying of alcohol poisoning.

 


When we hold each other in exactly this position, we're in love. At all other times, we're a mess.

 


It's an inside joke. On their first date he threw up in her mouth.

 


Apparently, that way is somewhere around the shin area.

 


His last girlfriend had a tattoo that read, "Bed, Bath."

 


We feel a deep connection at a spiritual level and if you don't like it we'll smack you with double face-punch of intimacy.

 


"Her" and "Him?" Can you be less specific? Weakest show of commitment in a couple's tattoo ever inked!

 


They are way into doggystyle.

 


You're just running around in circles. Make up your minds!

 


Real sweet until he comes home and finds her in bed with a locksmith.


Jailhouse prankster lands himself in deep dish trouble.

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I'd like to use my one phone call now. (via WKYT)

A Kentucky man arrested for shoplifting and public intoxication got slapped with extra charges for pulling a classic prank while he was still in jail. 

Apparently, cops are letting perps use their cell phones while they are locked up, so Michael Harp, shoplifter and 10-year-old boy trapped in a 29-year-old man's body, took the opportunity to call in a five pizza order from Domino's under the name of the officer who arrested him to the precinct where he was being held . 

When the pizzas arrived, the cops put their best men on the case and immediately traced the call to Harp's cell phone. Uh duh. Super duh.

Harp claims he is innocent of all pizza-related charges, invoking the Shaggy defense. As he explains it to WKYT:

 "I'm wrongfully accused on this here. They've charged me with two felonies over this pizza deal because I had my phone inside the holding cell," Harp says. "There was about 10 people who probably used the phone, so it's hard to say. Like I said, I never heard anyone say a word about Domino's pizzas. Any of it."

Now the pizza prankster is facing felony charges including theft of identity, theft by deception, and impersonating a police officer. 

Understandably, police will be keeping an extra eye on Harp while he is being held to make sure he doesn't saran-wrap the toilet seat. 

(by Myka Fox)

Wedding photo made extra-special thanks to random gentleman in the background.

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The wedding party, cropped of one important element. (via)

Bride: This day couldn't be more perfect.

Groom: You said it, honey.

Bride: Hey, um, did one of you invite that guy over there on the steps?

Groom: Which guy over there on the steps?

Bride: That one.


(via Ash Warner on Twitter)

Groom: I didn't invite him, but I'm going to remember him for the rest of our lives.

Best Man: I resign my post and relinquish my matching pocket kerchief to that guy.

Father of the Bride: (to Groom) She should'a married him.

Groom: Goddammit don't you know I already know that?!

Bride: We thought our love was perfect, but next to that guy, all is flawed. Let's run back inside and annul.

Groom: Cool by me.

End of scene.


Here's some more photos that were improved immeasurably by something going unnoticed in the background.

(by Bob Powers, with visual assistance from Ash Warner on Twitter)

Go-getter.

Workplace

Weird Al thinks your sports team isn't as good as his sports team, and an entire marching band supports his position.

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Go our team!

We're in Day 5 of Weird Al's 8-Day-Week of videos, the lead up to his new album Mandatory Fun. Today, we leave the tool shed and close the grammar books to head out to a ballgame, where Al takes a traditional marching band fight song and adds the lyrics that were always implied: We rule, you suck.

These videos have been a lot of light-hearted fun, but when the hell are we going to get somethingaboutfood? Appeal to your base.

Here's a short clip from the old days with Al at his most bombastically culinary.

(by Bob Powers)

Humble brag.

Conan joins Tinder with the help of "hot Hollywood stud" Dave Franco.

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Chip Whitley and Gengis Brownstone are coming to kill you!

Why is Conan wearing that cool guy leather jacket and holding a roll of duct tape? Because Conan finally joined Tinder and he's looking for that special someone who's going to change his life "for a period of, like, 20 minutes."

Unwilling to be a creep on his own, Conan brings in "hot hollywood stud" Dave Franco AKA Gendgis Brownstone (the D is silent) to up his averages.


I'm 42 years old and people tell me I look like Conan O'Brien.

They create profiles, set up fake names (I know, that's not how it works, but it's fine, I promise), match up with a real-life hotty, and then head out to meet her in  "Brown Lightening", their sweet-ass airbrushed murder van.

There ya have it. If Conan "Chip Whitley" O'Brien can conquer Tinder, anyone can. Just don't forget to lie your ducking face off. 


P.s. duck Dave Franco

(by Myka Fox)


You can now share your selfie and have random strangers use it to draw your portrait.

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Frame it. Hang it. Await compliments from houseguests.(Via)

For anyone who enjoyed those couple months when we all played "Draw Something," but you gave it up because there wasn't enough of a narcissism component, you're going to want to download the French Girls app real fast.


He does look a little surprised.

Instead of "Draw Something," this app is basically, "Draw Me." Hence the play on the internet-beloved Titanic quote, "Draw me like one of your French girls." 

Their logline is simple: "Take Selfies. Get Drawings." French Girls explains itself as the "award-winning app where strangers anonymously draw portraits based on 'selfies' others have posted." Based on these samples posted to Imgur this morning, the artist is clearly given a lot of editorial freedom to be hilarious.


It's all there in the subtext.

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Prescient, given the recent news.

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Challenge not accepted.

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I just tried it out and am waiting impatiently for someone to draw me. I even posed and everything.

I'll be sure to share the results as soon as I'm turned into art. 

I also learned while looking for someone to draw that the average user looks to be about eleven years old. Be forewarned.

Check out more sample drawings here.

(by Bob Powers)

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - July 18, 2014

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1. Todd Akin Clarifies His 'Legitimate Rape' Comment, Entire World Unanimously Forgives Him

Hey, everyone! We can all relax with the hating on former Rep. Todd Akin thing. Turns out he misspoke when he said that "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." What he meant to say was "legitimate case of rape." Oh! Well, that's much less silly and delusional. The addition of those two words make all the difference.


2. Chelsea Manning's Scheme To Get Herself Put In Prison Forever So As To Force Government To Pay For Her Gender Treatment Is Finally Paying Off

It would appear as though Chelsea Manning—who is currently serving a 35-year sentence for passing privileged information to Wikileaks— will be receiving state-funded gender treatment during her stay in military custody. "I am hopeful that when the Army says it will start a 'rudimentary level' of treatment that this means hormone replacement therapy," Manning's lawyer has said. Well, well, well... Looks like somebody's ingenious plan to bilk the American taxpayer is finally coming to fruition.


3. 'Sex Tape' Getting Surprisingly Poor Reviews For A Film That Is Selling Itself Entirely On The Premise That You Might Get To See Cameron Diaz's Ass 

When the promotional campaign for a film revolves nearly 100 percent around the promise that you will get to see its star naked it's usually indicative of two things: 1) You will not get to see that actor naked, and 2) you might not be in for the most top-notch cinematic experience. While, the jury's still out on that first part, it seems the second one is holding true. Sex Tape, starring (by all accounts) Cameron Diaz's butt, currently holds a 19 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes and is receiving near-unanimous poor reviews from top critics.


4. Pot Makes You Paranoid, Say Researchers Who Somehow Know What You're Feeling

According to new research from shadowy figures in the far-off land of Great Britain, the chemicals in marijuana do in fact cause paranoia in people who ingest them. But we knew that already, didn't we? I thought we did? Did we actually know anything? Is there even anything to know, or is this all just the fevered dream of a brain in a jar? Oh my God, I can't breathe. I think I'd be suffocating if I actually had any lungs.


5. In Final Season, 'Two And A Half Men' To Get Close To The Edge Of What Might Be Considered Edgy

The two straight men at the heart of CBS's long-running sit-com Two and a Half Men will reportedly be marrying each other in the twelfth and final season of the show. Ashton Kutcher's character apparently "wants to find a way to add more meaning to his life, so he decides he wants to adopt a child and in doing so, he starts the process and realizes that it's very difficult to adopt a child as a single, straight man," a CBS executive explained. This, more than anything, should answer your question about how controversial gay marriage is nowadays.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Woman finds her frighteningly realistic self-predicted career in her kindergarten yearbook.

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You can be whatever you want when you grow up, as long as your dreams are commensurate with those of The Man. (via Imgur)

Long before she became jargo1 on reddit, her name was Julie and she was a kindergartner with very, very realistic dreams. 

According to her post, "I stumbled upon my kindergarten yearbook and found this inside. I'm on the bottom...I guess you could say I've always been a bit of a realist."

While her 5-year-old colleagues betrayed their naivete with lofty goals, like "PatricR," who planned to be a baseball player, and "Lohn," who dared to be a butterfly, Julie understood the dystopic future of the human workforce, a never-ending drudgery of mindless tasks and debt chasing. 

Her Kindergarten plan was more reasonable than the multitude of millennials who harbor delusions of success with their masters degrees in Medieval Literature. All she wanted was what most of us end up doing: "Work - you know, in an office on a computer how big grown ups push buttons and get money."

Looks like someone was paying attention during take your daughter to work day. 

I don't know what you do for a living now, Julie, but I do know you fulfilled your childhood dream of being on a computer, pushing buttons to post to reddit. It gives me hope that maybe, somewhere out there, "Lohn" was able to fulfill his dream of becoming a butterfly.

(by Myka Fox)

A couple guys steal dog poop from some very confused pet owners.

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"Hey, we were gonna retain that!"

I don't mean to be too much of a killjoy about this, but this dog-poop-stealing prank from Internet rascals Greg Benson and Jack Vale isn't quite so harmless as they're making it out to be. Sure, most people just throw their dog's waste in the trash after bagging it. But what if they weren't going to?

For example, what if their dog had a gastroenterological issue that required immediate medical attention, and they needed that stool sample for the vet? Or, what if that dog had just twelve-hours-earlier swallowed a priceless wedding ring that had belonged to the owner's deceased grandmother, and the owner was planning on carefully retrieving the priceless family heirloom from his pet's waste? Or, what if that dog was patient zero for a rare and deadly disease with the potential of infecting the whole of mammalian life on this planet if its excretions were not immediately transferred to a hazmat receptacle? Huh? How about that?!

Now, I'm not saying that any of those scenarios are likely. But they're possible. And these guys are willing to risk the destruction of life as we know it just for a few Internet clicks? Pathetic!

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Someone found a tape of 19-year-old Kanye West rapping in a record store way before his life was dope.

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"My life is dope, and I do dope shit."

Holy Yeezus! Video of a 19-year-old Kanye West was buried for 18 years in the metaphorical cave of Fat Beats record store only to be risen again today.

Kanye, having only recently graduated from high school, flew from Chicago to NYC to perform at the 1996 opening of Fat Beats' 6th Avenue store. By then, he was already a masterful lyricist 

The relic was discovered by DJ Eclipse, former general manager of the Fat Beats store, now the host of WNYU's Halftime Radio show and Sirius' Rap Is Outta Control. He sent the footage to Complex, along with an email saying, "Yesterday I started converting old Hi8 video tapes to DVD and came across some interesting footage from that day. Now we had a lot of the usual suspects in the place... But what took me by surprise was the appearance of this 19-year-old kid who at that time nobody knew. At least in NYC."

Even in the past, The Louis Vuitton Don knew he was ahead of his time, proving it with this prophetic line, "it ain't original because I stole it from the future."

Damn, that line was "mad ironic like Alanis Morisette."

Now, 18 years later, we're getting the future back. 

(by Myka Fox)

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