Dammit, HBO should never have cancelled Tell Me You Love Me. The short-lived series about sexless couples—in which we got to see Adam Scott receive a hand job on a prosthetic penis—might not have won lots of viewers, but here we are seven years later and couples still don't know how to handle that inevitable period of their relationship when they stop having sex for a period of a few months-to-eternity. Case in point, the guy who emailed his wife a spreadsheet of every excuse she's made to not have sex with him over the last seven weeks.

The wife shared her turmoil on reddit's Relationships subreddit earlier today:

Yesterday morning, while in a taxi on the way to the airport, Husband sends a message to my work email which is connected to my phone. He's never done this, we always communicate in person or by text. I open it up, and it's a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won't miss me for the 10 days I'm gone. Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since June 1st, with a column for my "excuses", using verbatim quotes of why I didn't feel like having sex at that very moment. According to his 'document', we've only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 "attempts" on his part. 

She was good enough to provide the spreadsheet in question:

I'm not a marriage counselor, but I'm pretty sure that if you and the spouse aren't sleeping together as much as you'd like, the way to turn her on is not with passive-aggressive use of Microsoft Office.

They're a young couple, according to her post, both 26, married two years and together for five. Despite their youth, she cooks and cleans for him and they pretty much sound like a couple from the 50s, which might explain his bewilderment at her failure to provide sex on demand.

This is a side of him I have never seen before - bitter, immature, full of hatred. In person, he'd been acting normal the whole time, maybe a little standoff-ish in the last week. Completely out of left field. Our sex life HAS tapered in the last few months, but isn't that allowed? We are adults leading busy, stressful lives. I cook for him, I do his laundry, I keep our house clean and tidy. It's not like our sex life was going to be this way FOREVER, it was a temporary slow-down due to extenuating circumstances. 

She goes on to say that since she received the spreadsheet, she's tried calling him several times with no response. So he's passive-aggressive IRL too, not just in his email attachments. Keep in mind, he sent this to her as she was about to leave on a ten-day business trip in another city. 

People in relationships and people who might be in relationships in the future if you end up falling in love this weekend, a brief warning: You will experience periods when you aren't having sex. It happens. 

Sometimes it's the guy, sometimes it's the lady, sometimes it's both parties going through some shit that makes them not feel like boning for a while. 

If this period worries you, the way to address it is to say to your partner, "We aren't having sex that much. What's up with that, right?"

No spreadsheets!

Now, obviously, one way to respond would be for the wife to return the spreadsheet with an additional column titled, "The Real Reasons I Didn't Want To Have Sex All Those Times." But it sounds like she's just going to wait to talk to him about this. Like adults do.

Or maybe they can just sit down together and enjoy If Porn Was Based On The Sex Lives Of Married Couples.

(by Bob Powers)

You've got mail. (via GoFundMe)

Start your saturday off crying why don't you? Danny Nickerson is a 5-year-old kid from Foxboro, MA who, last October, was diagnosed with DIPG (Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma), an inoperable brain tumor located in the brain stem. His birthday's coming up on July 25th, so his Mom asked her community to help give her son the best birthday ever by sending him lots of birthday cards.

But the Internet has a way of expanding the definition of "community."

The article was posted on North Attleboro, MA's The Sun Chronicle website early Thursday morning. Other sites like ABC News started to pick it up. Then late last night, someone posted a photo of the original article to reddit with the header, "Saw this today around town, a little boy with a brain tumor only wants one thing for his birthday: letters. It takes $0.50 and ten minutes, but I bet it would mean the world to this kid."

(Via reddit)

Danny's mom better not have been kidding when she told the Sun Chronicle that her son "loves going to the mailbox and finding mail with his name on it," because that's about to become his full-time job.

The reddit post got upvoted several thousand times and it's now near the top of the front page. There are over a thousand comments on the post from reddit users from around the world, not just sharing their thoughts and prayers for Danny, but they're actually coordinating with each other what gifts they want to send to him. Someone even set up a public Google Docs spreadsheet for the thousands of strangers to keep track of each other's gift-gving so they don't overlap.

Once word got out via that ABC News article that Danny wishes lego made Super Mario toys, redditors seized on it and tried to find someone who could put something together for him. 

The last time this kind of thing happened was the pizza incident, where the family of a little girl battling cancer taped up the words "SEND PIZZA" on their hospital room window as a lark to amuse their daughter. The pic made it to reddit, and before long the entire floor of the hospital was flooded with pizzas being shared by the children and the staff. Eventually the hospital had to publicly ask that the pizza deliveries stop.

Considering that a birthday card is way cheaper than pizza, Danny's PO box is about to be so flooded with mail that he could single-handedly pull the US postal service back into the black from all the postage sales.

His birthday's July 25th. Address: Danny Nickerson, P.O. Box 212, Foxboro, MA 02035.

(by Bob Powers)

1. Weird Al's New Album Skyrockets To #1, As Entire World Simultaneously Forgets He's A Huge Dork

Bouyed in part by an eight-day, eight-video roll-out promo stunt, Weird Al Yankovic's new album Mandatory Fun seems on track to debut at No. 1 on Billboard's 200 Chart, a first for the accordion-playing parodist who first received exposure through Dr. Demento's absurdist radio program in the mid-70s. This means that Weird Al's novelty songs are now more popular and cooler than the pop hits they're making fun of.

Told someone that I didn't care for the new Weird Al song, and 3 nuns beat the tar out of me with accordions.

— CJ Sullivan (@CJSullivan_) July 18, 2014

This Weird Al stuff is bittersweet. So cool to see him on top. Lame I don't know a single song he's parodying.

— ⚡David Angelo⚡ (@MrDavidAngelo) July 17, 2014

2. U.S. Supreme Court Tells Gay Utahns To Stop Being Married For A While

More than a thousand same-sex marriages are currently in limbo, after the U.S. Supreme Court put a halt on their benefits until a state appeal to the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals is completed.

You ever see yourself in a dumb outfit from 15 years ago and say 'what was I thinking?' That's how people against gay marriage will feel.

— mark normand (@marknorm) July 18, 2014

3. Welcome Your New Insect Overlords! — Research Ants Pretty Much Rule The Earth

According to some entomologists, ants are among a few select species who could potentially be considered the true rulers of this planet. Not only do they outnumber people by orders of magnitude, but their combined biomass massively exceeds that of the human race. On top of that, the only thing stopping them from swarming over and devouring us is a current lack of desire to do so.

Movie trivia: Humphrey Bogart wasn't even in the movie Casablanca. The part of Rick was played by a sack of ants.

— John Moe (@johnmoe) June 9, 2014

4. New Olympic Sports Channel Promises Year-Round Access To Synchronized Swimming Competitions

Olympic officials are apparently backing a proposal for a year-round sports channel to focus exclusively on sports like high diving, javelin throwing and long distance running, in an effort to connect with younger viewers who have yet to figure out how much less interesting those sporting events are when they happen more than once every 48 months.

I just came up with a new Olympic sport where a bunch of people ride around on bikes and shoot at each other with bows and arrows.

— tyler (@coolsexguy) June 22, 2014

5.  We Got The Results Of The Test Back — We Definitely Have A New Tommy Wiseau TV Show Coming Soon

Tommy Wiseau—mysterious and delightfully delusional creator of the cult film The Room—seems like he's finally set to release The Neighbors, a television series he's been teasing for the past ten years. And if this recently released underwear and football-filled scene is any indication of what's in store, I think Wiseau will be tearing all our wildest expectations apart:

(via TheNeighborsSitcom.com)

Fans of The Room. Lemme know if you'd be interested in a Wiseau themed coffee place called "Oh, Chai Mark"

— Thomas Lennon (@thomaslennon) February 24, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

I wanted to see one more flip.

This was shared on reddit with the title, "I asked my wife to take a video of me showing off my garage sale purchase." She might not have pulled that off. Instead, she recorded a wonderful instructional clip that will be shared on the comments of every horribly recorded video from now on.

It might even overshadow this classic.

(by Bob Powers)

1. Much Anticipated Trailer For The Much Anticipated Trailer For The Much Anticipated New '50 Shades Of Grey' Movie Hits The Internet

A teaser trailer for the full-length trailer for the upcoming film adaptation of E.L. James's 50 Shades of Grey was just released onto the Internet (via Beyoncé's Instragram account, for reasons that make as much sense as anything else in this story). The actual trailer for the actual movie that's scheduled to be released in February is scheduled to be released on Thursday.

Book Pitch: 50 Shades of Grey, but with vampires.

— Gladstone (@WGladstone) March 1, 2014

2. God Crazy Excited He Finally Gets To Meet 'Rockford Files' Star James Garner!

The Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth, like most reasonable entities old enough to appreciate it, was a huge fan of the long-running '70s-era PI comedy-drama The Rockford Files, as well as its preternaturally charming star James Garner. So, we can only imagine how excited He must be to finally get His chance to meet the 86-year-old Hollywood icon after Garner passed through St. Peter's Gates last night. Now He has pretty much the entire cast of The Great Escape!

And now a word from Polaroid:

I'm glad we got James Garner on film so future men can see how men's eyes are supposed to twinkle.

— LBJohnson (@ladybirdj) July 20, 2014

3. Have You Seen A 59-Foot Rubber Ducky? It Was Just Floating In This Chinese River A Few Days Ago 

A 59-foot rubber duck sculpture by Dutch artist Florentijn Hofman was washed away from its mooring point on China's Nanming River earlier this week following several days of extremely heavy rain. Local radio stations are urging Chinese citizens to keep an eye out for the massive bright yellow, missing inflatable, asking, "If you live along the river and see an 18-meter tall big yellow duck, please call 5961027."

In other omens; 1-ton rubber duck, designed by Dutch artist to unite world's peoples, vanishes in Chinese flood http://t.co/GGiBSAxZap

— Elif Batuman (@BananaKarenina) July 20, 2014

4. Super Hot Dude From That Band Your Little Sister Likes A Lot Just Got Married, Which Is Probably Why She's Been Crying Recently

Adam Levine has reportedly married his latest supermodel girlfriend, professional Victoria's Secret sexy-underwear-wearer Behati Prinsloo, over the weekend in Los Cabos, Mexico. Our condolences to all the delusional junior high students to whom this surely comes as a crushing disappointment. Hopefully they can write some poetry about it and feel better.

Congrats to Adam Levine and the woman he'll divorce next year

— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) July 20, 2014

5. R.J. Reynolds Ordered To Pay Cancer Victim's Widow's $23.6 Billion — Or, To Put It Another Way, Enough Money For A Year's Worth Of Cigarettes

The widow of a man who died of lung cancer after strong arms from the R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company held him down and forced him to inhale the smoke from hundreds of thousands of cigarettes over the course of his 36-year life (or so I'm assuming) was awarded $23.6 billion dollars from a Florida jury.

$23.6 billion for widow of smoker! What an incentive to smoke! Don't buy life insurance, just smoke for the kids.http://t.co/m8J7MbqrBx

— Bryan Appleyard (@BryanAppleyard) July 20, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

They don't even have to make sense to piss each other off. That's closeness. (Via)

We know it shouldn't be a shock that there are drama queens on Facebook, but these infuriating users are are becoming a scourge, making the world's most self-absorbed medium even less tolerable with every intentionally cryptic, overwrought status update. Everyone has at least ten friends like this who constantly court concern with updates about how "you" broke my heart and now "life just isn't worth living," and they know they can get a dozen comments from their gullible, similarly theatrical friends by typing nothing more than a simple "Ugh!" The crybabies included here are just a small sampling of a growing Facebook population that must be stopped! (Sorry if we got a little over-dramatic at the end there.)

You would make your aunts very proud. Also, do snakes make drama? (Via)

.

Hard to keep track.(Via)

.

Who would do such a thing? (Via)

.

The usual? How often do you do battle with the world (and lose)? (Via)

.

His next vague complaint is going to be about people who demand elaboration. (Via)

.

Updated 6/22/14:

Your emoticon looks like it still has a few more tears left.(Via)

Seagulls hate being brought into vague attention-getting statuses. (Via)

You two can work through this. Let us watch.(Via)

Nana hijacks another attempted vaguebooking. (Via)

You could just go with the "off" button. Less swimming. (Via)

On Facebook, who can maintain a positive outlook for 20 whole minutes?(Via)

Updated 5/21/14:

How do they have time for boyfriends? There's so much public fighting to do!(Via)

At least post a haul video of what you spent the money on. (Via)

No idea what they're fighting over and hope to never find out. (Via)

The dance is called "Flight Of The Attention-Starved Vaguebooker." (Via)

But her broken heart is at least 14 or 15. (Via)

Quit making DRAFA.(Via)

Updated 4/6/14:

Poor thing. Why can't the wealthy ever catch a break! (via)

The suicide rate among dumb Gods has been skyrocketing. (Via)

And if you visit my Tumblr you can find out how to make amends.(Via)

Fine. I'll say it. Your statuses are way too vague.(Via)

Sometimes a whiny rant is also a cry for help.

How can I get on that list?

Updated 3/17/14:

We hurt the ones who try to help.

Someone besides the ex. Include the fine print and you won't need follow-ups.

Sometimes, the tale time tells is a real bummer.(via Rachael T.)

Hopefully the one that's "worse" [sic] your tears will make you cry by correcting your typos.

Man. Hate to see how you'd take it if you dropped your laptop.

Wait, are all of you planning to off yourselves tonight? We appreciate you! Chill out!

Updated 2/18/14:

They must have all requested that they be blocked.

Those 4 likes are from people who hate a loud, noisy death.

Cryers gonna cry.

Posting vague, attention-seeking statuses is the epitome of letting life happen, apparently.

So many threats today. This winter is getting to everybody.

Can't talk now, byeeeeeeee!

Updated 1/15/14:

Until then, happy holidays! (Via User "Whimsy")

It's not a felony until it crosses 450% illegal. (Via)

I don't want to ask you about it. *Feeling indifferent* (Via)

If only she had the two-faced bitch's email, we'd be spared this.(Via)

1 Like. Things are looking up! (Via)

How anyone could find fault in your child-rearing skills is beyond me! (Via)

Updated 12/9/13:

Just when we thought we were in, you push us back out!

Finally, someone speaks up for the thin. Enough of the low BMI bullying!

One good way to rationalize why you're never called nor texted. (Thanks Katie M)

It's honestly just some research I'm working on. Also, AM I WANTED?

I'm in a bad mood because of whatever put you in a good mood this morning.

Wow! Starting shit with someone for being a great person. That's how you hunt down drama.

Updated 11/11/13:

Betting that 1 thing might be "LMS IF YOU'LL TAKE ME BACK!!!!"

You made it home alive! Make sure to take your knife if you go to the bathroom to brush before bed.

I don't mean to complain, but man those complainers are something!

So, you just said you hope you die soon. You know that right?

The news is always full of #Sundayfails. Why not report on some #Sundaysuccesses?

Only certain Tims make me cry. Tiny Tim. Tim Allen. Tim Tebow.

Updated 10/21/13:

Cool. Thanks for sharing! *UNFRIEND*

Someone screencapped their "I trusted you" status and made fun of it on the Internet?

Gonna have to be a lil' more specific. Lot of bad shit going down lately.

Let's keep Facebook away from famine victims, cool? They don't need to read this.

Gladly!

You can never talk too anyone. You always talk just enough anyone for our taste.

Updated 9/16/13:

Birch away, girlfriend!

Suicide notes were way more eloquent before the invention of texting.

You have to learn to love crying. 

First go back and kill Hitler! Then deal with your ex. Priorities!

You should put an Ace bandage on that head ace.

You were missed. The seconds you were away felt like full minutes!

Updated 8/15/13:

Have a good trip?

Great! If you don't want to talk about it then let me tell you about my WONDERFUL morning!!!

What if I'm not sure if I'm involved? Can I ask if I'm involved? I WANNA BE INVOLVED!

MOOOOOM! Stop posting on my friends' engagement party invite wall!

That'll do it!

No one values friendship anymore. Or marriage. Or...fidelity to ex-girlfriends? I'm lost.

Updated 7/16/13:

Not as sorry as your friends are for adding you.

K byeeeeeeeee!

I crave attention. No need to like. It's readily apparent.

U other guys, though, what u guys all hate me?!!!

Aw come on. Just one whiff?

Congratulations on directly confronting "someone."

Updated 6/1913:

Perhaps she was being kind. Cassidy might prefer chodes. They are adorable, after all.

This middle school wants to keep us apart. We shan't let them.

I send them messages like, "Hey stupid fuck. Not popular enough for you?"

We always keep both feet planted firmly on the ground while chatting.

Times like this, all we need is our family of plush toys we keep in our read windshield.

Pretty sure someone made love to the wrong person. The rest is mystery.

Updated 5/15/13:

Why don't you just forward this message to him? After translating into English of course.

So, should I take my dick out of my ass now? I want to help!

This actually makes sense to us. Life should never be thought about. It's no good.

Does the old Kay have access to a working keyboard by chance?

Can't imagine why they'd leave you.

Just staring up at a leak in the ceiling. Anyway, how are you?

Updated 4/15/13:

The drama queen giveth, the drama queen taketh away.

You know, you can just go ahead and post this directly on Child Services's page.

Don't stop, go.

And not if the game involves speaking directly toward whomever you're pissed off at.

We're sure she appreciates this tribute to her memory.

Vague statuses like this make all your friends' FB walls feel like that punching bag.

Updated 3/13/13:

Move to New York. People walk down the street crying all the time and no one says a word.

We get the gist.

It's better to have <3 and </3 than to have never <3 at all.

RIP most of your Facebook friendships.

We'll try harder to be a "gentleman and shit." Want some flowers or bullshit like that?

We're unfriending you. Just popped into our head!
 

Updated 2/15/13:

Peeing yourself? You're sh*tting me.

Everyone in this thread is a child molester.
 

We don't want to hurt you, Miranda, but that's a pretty awful smile.
 

Brohoof (n) - Fist bump between men who like My Little Pony. So, yeah, no one understands.
 

Obnoxiously Manic Girl?!
 

The person who liked the "pissed on" joke might really die if they saw the pee-pants post.
 

We can't believe those two people gave pity likes against their direct wishes!

Updated 1/15/13:

Oh right. Every hour on the hour.
 

I'm either going to unsubscribe or unfriend you today. Not a joke.

She knows she can upload video of her crying too, right? Quit half-assing it!

Seek no more, young journeyman, for your bullshit has been found.

You're only done with the drama because you used it all up in this post.

You can cram a lifetime into a single month. And a lifetime of self-pity into a single status update.

There are sadness-concealing face creams you can use if you get sick of putting on smiles.

Your plan has backfired. What's wrong?
 

Updated 11/13/12:

Or worse, did you post something self-involved and stupid where you can be publicly mocked?

The saddest part is he sounds like 90% of adults on Facebook.
 

Is "swag" a term for the letter O now? Because that's what you're missing.
 

And being a whiny loser is the highlight of mine, so lay off!
 

I wasnt going to say anything, but I'm gonna say a lot. Not like a dumb 16-year-old.
 

We feel like committing sadness after reading this post.

Posted 10/18/12:

But most importantly, learn grammar before you die.
 

Always remember other people have it worse. Like war vets and bored kids.
 

Wut's dat? Lemme luk it up in my thezoris.
 

We are focusing on our work, and we bet you feel like an idiot.
 

Updated 8/20/12:

Updated 6/12/12:

Updated 5/15/12:

Updated 2/27/12:

Updated 2/3/12:

Updated 12/21/11:

Updated 11/23/11:

 Updated 11/15/11:

Updated 11/1/11:

Updated 10/18/11:

No amount of compensation can make up for the pain you've caused me.

A covetous family dog found his envy of the family baby's treasures too much to contain, and he succumbed, taking one of the baby's toys in his mouth and scurrilously stowing it away for his own enjoyment. 

The baby cried.

The dog felt that cry in his heart, and he understood that he caused far greater pain by taking the baby's toy than he ever felt in wishing the toy could be his. The dog could not enjoy his stolen goods, not while knowing its price, so he proceeded to do what he could, whatever he could, to make things right.

(by Bob Powers)

How does that make you feel? (via)

Iraq Veteran Darin Welker received a citation from the law-followers of West Lafayette, Ohio saying that he has to get rid of his 14 therapy ducks. Apparently, ducks don't fly in that town. 

While getting to live with ducks seems like reason enough to own them, Welker adopted his poultry family for physical and mental therapy after the VA denied his request for traditional therapies.

I didn't know ducks were therapists, but it makes sense: ducks are chill as hell. Welker says he can watch them for hours and they are a good excuse to get him moving around. 

Duck therapists were not what the West Lafayette lawmakers were considering when they created their 2010 ordinance prohibiting residents from owning farm animals, so Welker is fighting to keep them. He has a hearing on Wednesday, and it seems like he has a good chance of winning his case; therapy pigs have already gotten a stay of execution in that town. If he doesn't win, he could lose the ducks and face a fine of up to $150.  Come on, guys. Let the man have the ducks. 

Welker told the Marion Star that he plans to bring a letter to the hearing from the Mental Health Department of the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs recommending he keep the ducks. 

After refusing to provide Welker with mental and physical assistance from humans, it is the least they could do.

(by Myka Fox)

It's so beautiful. Who wouldn't turn to crime just to hold it for a moment? (via WSIL 3)

Danielle Saxton, 27, needs the latest in neon animal-print fashion so badly, normal rules and laws no longer apply to her. Danielle is from West Frankfort, IL, where the law states (I may be paraphrasing here), "it's illegal to steal that incredibly bright and noticeable dress in broad daylight in front of cameras in West Frankfort's landmark fashion leader, Mortie's Boutique." 

Yet that is exactly what this rebel did, and when she got home, she then ignored the cardinal rule of mixing crime and the Internet: "if you just stole a bright and noticeable dress in broad daylight in front of cameras from West Frankfort's landmark fashion leader, Mortie's Boutique, don't take a selfie and put it on Facebook just a few hours later" 

The dress, about to be returned to its diamond-plated safety glass container. (via WSIL 3)

Mortie's co-owner Kert Williams took security footage of the theft and posted about the dress on Facebook. Immediately, people who knew Danielle Saxton from Facebook were contacting the police to turn her in (another reason not to clog everyone's feeds with obnoxious selfies). 

"Jail is overnight. Facebook 'Likes' are forever." - Danielle Saxton (via WSIL 3)

According to Police Chief Shawn Talluto, Saxton was still holding the stolen dress in her hands when officers arrived to arrest her, forgetting one last major rule, "don't open doors for strangers while holding contraband." Danielle is currently out on her own recognizance, since clearly her own recognizance isn't going to be pulling off any more capers.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Kim Jong-un and the Supremes.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un is reportedly furious over a goofy music video which has his face superimposed onto all sorts of viral videos, and wants it removed from the Internet. It's no secret that North Korea is clueless about a lot of things, but if KJU thinks that asking for a video to be removed will do anything but make that video ten times more popular, then he's more insane than anyone could've imagined. You don't even need to reach Beyoncé for a comment to know she'd say, "Good luck with that!"

According to South Korean newspaper Chosun Ilbun, North Korean officials claim the video, produced in China, "seriously compromises Kim's dignity and authority." North Korea may have considered retaliating with a video of their own, but are unfortunately three to five years away from possessing the technology.

In the video, Kim is seen dancing with Obama, the Kia Hamsters and other famous figures. In other words, it's the hands-down best piece of publicity he's ever been a part of. If I were famous for killing my relatives, failed rocket launches, and a janky haircut, I'd probably welcome a clip of me doing the Carlton. But that's me. There are probably a lot of other considerations when you're responsible for an entire country full of starving people.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Give it to me, baby. 

If every hungry human baby clawed its way up your leg to get to a bottle full of warmed milk, it would be terrifying, but this siamese kitten is the most adorable thing ever. It even grabs the bottle from this guy's hands, which is so rude and endearing! 

YouTuber Pauline Kelleux, who posted this, is French, but the kitten cuteness transcends all language barriers.

And now you want one. Just make sure you're wearing pants the next time you pick up a baby bottle.

(by Myka Fox)

1. New 'Star Wars' Might Be All About Luke Skywalker's Severed Hand — Still Better Than Whatever The Hell Those Prequels Were About

[Potential spoilers] According to Internet rumors—ones that are supposedly pretty well-sourced, for whatever that's worth—the events of the new, highly anticipated Star Wars trilogy will begin with the discovery of Luke Skywalker's lightsaber-grasping hand, which has apparently spent several decades falling through space after being severed from its arm by Darth Vader in the final moments of The Empire Strikes Back. That may sound a bit odd, but not every movie can be about the labyrinthine political fallout from a complex trade embargo. 

And now, for no other reason than it's pretty cool, here's J.J. Abrams and an actual X-Wing fighter. Somewhere, George Lucas is crying a solitary CGI tear:

What if the Star Wars movies are a dream that Harrison Ford's character had while he was in a coma in Regarding Henry

— Adam Wilson (@theleanover) July 18, 2014

2. Baby's First Body Double — Kanye West And Kim Kardashian Spend $500K To Shield Their Kid From The Paparazzi 

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are reportedly spending half-a-million dollars to secure a look-alike baby to impersonate their one-year-old daughter North in the hopes that it "will really throw paps off the scent." Apparently, they're hoping that the child can have somewhat of a normal childhood.

Kim Kardashian defended her parenting skills to critics on Twitter saying she is a devoted parent to both her children, North and Kanye.

— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) December 1, 2013

3. Science: People Who Think Humans Only Use 10 Percent Of Their Brains Are Not Fully Utilizing Their Brains

Though the idea that people only use one-tenth of their brain capacity is commonly believed—and currently the central conceit of the new Scarlett Johansson movie Lucy—there's really no evidence to believe such a thing. It's not entirely clear how this myth took root in our culture, but it was probably started more than a century ago by psychologist William James, while only using a small fraction of his available intelligence.

Life can be tough, but I keep telling myself... "If Scarlett Johansson can use more than 10% of her brain, ANYTHING is possible!"

— David R Jennings (@Bauart) July 21, 2014

4. John Oliver And Some Very Sad Off-Brand Muppets Show How The U.S. Prison System Is Broken

On last night's Last Week Tonight, John Oliver got a little help from some adorable little puppets to teach American children a valuable lesson: Why there's a pretty decent chance they're gonna end up in prison one day:

Just figured out how to fix the prison system while staring at myself in the mirror. Vanity works, people.

— Dick Wolf (@ericdadourian) June 28, 2014

5. 112-Year-Old Ham Is Technically Edible, Much Like That Hotdog You Bought At The Corner Store At 2am On Friday Night 

The Isle of Wight County Museum in Smithfield, Virginia is celebrating the 112th birthday of a beloved cured ham, which they claim is still edible. "You could probably still eat the darn thing," the granddaughter of the shriveled slab of meat bragged to a reporter. Weird. I could have sworn that some restaurant chain had that as its slogan.

Ham is beef's weird cousin.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 11, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)