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I love going to bars because it increases my appreciation of drinking at home.


Let's regret going out tonight.

Squirrel who eats a tiny ice cream cone every day will melt your heart into a sweet puddle.

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Reader, meet Putter. Putter is a squirrel living in Holden Beach, North Carolina, who really, really loves ice cream.

Squirrels: just like us!

But unlike the other squirrels, if Putter wants ice cream, she doesn't have to go dumpster diving. Because Scott and Pam Martin, who own Fantasy Isle Ice Cream and Mini Golf in Holden Beach, feed Putter two mini ice cream cones every day like she was a regular customer, WWAY3 reports.

Let's hope she remembers to tip.

She doesn't pay for the ice cream. Because she's a squirrel. But she's clearly a grateful customer. Check it out:

Apparently the relationship began somewhat unorthodoxly, with a theft. "She came down and just got friendly with customers and ultimately took one's ice cream cone back up the tree," Scott told WWAY3.

But now she's become part of the family. "You can call her name and she will literally come out of her nest in one of these big trees and hop her way down to the roof to ultimately to the rail and waits on her cone," he said.

Her preferred flavor is vanilla but don't hold it against her.

They feed her a tiny, squirrel-sizes cone with a mini-scoop of vanilla or no sugar added ice cream, twice a day. She sounds like a charmer, which explains how she got this sweet deal.

"She’s quite the little character," said Scott. "She actually plays golf with the kids. She will run around the golf course and play with the golf balls. She’s a cute little mascot. We are blessed to have her."

Playing golf, eating two free ice cream cones a day and still maintaining her figure? This squirrel is living the dream.

Science has discovered the one kind of booze that makes sex better. Finally, science is useful.

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Great news, winos! According to very important new research, one type of alcohol can actually boost your libido and improve your sex life, Metro UK reports. But before you get too excited, this is moderate amounts of only one type of booze. Still, we'll take it! Who knew science could be so useful??

So what's the magic libido-boosting booze? No big surprise, it's red wine.

According to researchers, two glasses of red wine a day can significantly boost sex drive in both men and women. Just remember: more than two glasses can quickly backfire, so don't go overboard.

The way this libido-booster works is a little different depending on your gender. For men, a compound in red wine called Quercetin blocks an enzyme that flushes out testosterone, subsequently boosting your testosterone levels and desire for sex.

And for women, red wine gives your libido a lift by increasing blood flow to your "erogenous zones," Newsmax reports. Can't argue with scientific facts!

Red wine is a popular thing to drink on dates, so maybe most people already had this one figured out. But in case you doubted its success in the past, science now verifies: red wine is one of the best aphrodisiacs on the market. And it's probably available in bulk at your local wholesale store. Time for a Costco run!

Is Trump at Mar-A-Lago? New site tell us when he's there and how much money he's spent. It's upsetting.

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The President spends a lot of time (and money!!!) going back and forth between the White House and his "Winter White House," Mar-A-Lago, a golf resort in Palm Beach, Florida. Sometimes, he even pulls the trigger on unconstitutional war actions (like his launching of 60 missiles at a Syrian airfield without first getting approval from Congress) from his golf resort.

So it's gotten harder and harder to answer the question: is Trump at Mar-A-Lago? But thanks to a new website, we can now definitively know whether our President is relaxing and hitting the back nine instead of, oh, I don't know, dealing with the country he runs. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: istrumpatmaralago.org.

The site was created by the Center For American Progress Action Fund, and is designed to reveal how much money Trump has spent going to his vacation resort. A lot has already been written about how much money Trump has spent on vacation. According to this article by Business Insider, he's on track to spend more on vacation in one year than Obama did in eight. It's almost like he doesn't want to be President!

It is only a matter of time until someone invents a drinking game related to this.

Girl who once dated the "I won't date hot women anymore" guy reveals what he's really like.

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The shockingly un-ironic NY Post headline "Why I won't date hot women anymore" swept the internet earlier this week. The article was a profile on Dan Rochkind, who claimed "I could have [anyone] I wanted," and spent most of his dating life going for hot women, only to eventually settle down with someone he describes as "a softer beauty." Now, one of the hot women of his past has spoken out.

Her name is Bryce Gruber-Hermon, and her article, Dating Daniel Rochkind Wasn’t Awful, So Let’s Hold Our Judgment implores us to wait until we hear from her before we decide whether Dan sucks.

"Way back in 2010 I somehow met Daniel Rochkind, a then 30-something bro-like dude who was still very much trapped in his college sports obsession," Bryce explains. To each his own, but I literally cannot imagine anything sadder than this. Trapped. Trapped! "His main focus in life at that point was attending just about every University of Maryland sports rally and game that existed." Dan--no!

Bryce goes onto explain that Dan was "generally grounded, and if anything — just kind of dorky," as well as "a sort of gentle and socially awkward creature." Dan even took into consideration Bryce's one-year-old child when buying a car (a Lexus RX 300, which means nothing to me but might mean something to you). He made sure that the car he bought could fit a car seat even though they only dated for two months. This sounds a lot different than the Dan the article described to us who said he was always going after "the hottest girl you could find."

So, who is lying? Or is it possible that Bryce's version of the past and Dan's can both be true, to an extent? (Bryce did include a photo of her with her baby from 2010 in the article, and she looks pretty hot.) I'm inclined to believe Bryce's version of the truth, in which she says that the NY Post article reeks of a PR pitch gone wrong. Especially because the Post's follow-up article to the whole debacle is exactly that: a bunch of PR copy written by Dan's fiancée's mom (a matchmaker, whom the original article was supposed to really focus on).

My final judgment? Dan still sucks, I'm glad Bryce married someone else, memory is fallible, and you shouldn't announce your engagement (or anything for that matter) on the NY Post.

This is not a drill: April the giraffe is finally having her baby.

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Non-believers and April the Giraffe conspiracy theorists: it's time for you to eat crow, because the lady is in labor and there are officially little legs poking out. That's right, the supposedly pregnant giraffe at Animal Adventure Park, who sparked outrage for being pregnant for so GD long, is officially, finally giving birth.

Check out the live stream, where you can see April pacing in her pen and seeming curious but overall pretty chill about the fact that a baby is part way out of her body:

In related news, I have to say this sponsorship of the live stream by Toys R Us has to be the smartest advertising move the toy company has ever made. Millions have tuned in to check the live stream since it was announced back in February that she was going to give birth at any moment. Turns out it took April longer than expected, which means that people were compulsively checking the live stream to see if there was any movement, and feeling pretty pissed that April wasn't having that baby (I do not understand how this became such a thing, but it did).

Maybe Toys R Us paid April to take months longer than expected to have this baby. Regardless, it's finally happening and people are tuning in.

Can you imagine having legs hanging out of you? I can't! Good luck to April in this long-awaited birthing process. Now, I'm off to Toys R Us for some reason!

Twitter has had a 'dislike' button for months, but you probably never noticed.

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At one point, the option for a "dislike" button on Facebook was oft-discussed. This was what feels like eons ago, before Facebook offered us "reactions" as a solution to the fact that we want to show our support of certain statuses with more emotions than simply a "like." And yes, back before Twitter switched from the "favorite" icon (a star) to a heart icon, meaning you liked, or perhaps even loved, what someone tweeted. But did you know that Twitter has subtly been offering its users a "dislike" button for months, without most of us noticing?

Mashable reports that the "dislike" option appears on some tweets, in the drop down menu that appears when you click on the upper-right-hand arrow of a tweet:

But, the strange thing is that the option doesn't appear all the time. Mashable writer Lance Ulonoff explains his experience with the "I don't like this tweet" option, which has been available since late 2016:

"There hasn’t been a lot of conversation about it because Twitter hides their negative option quite well and it does not appear consistently. Of a dozen or more tweets I looked at, I saw “I don’t like this tweet” only a few times. (Twitter wouldn't elaborate on how often or under what conditions the option appears.)"

Twitter's support page further explains the feature's use:

"When you mark a Tweet as I don't like this Tweet, it helps Twitter better understand the types of Tweets that you'd like to see less of in your Home timeline. We may use this information to optimize and tailor your experience in the future. You can access this option from the icon in a Tweet."

Though that doesn't explain why this doesn't appear with every tweet. Perhaps Twitter has algorithms for pre-determining whether something contains language that might be offensive to some. Or perhaps a tweet has to reach a certain level of "virality" before the option appears? Or maybe Twitter just thinks we're not ready for this type of power. After all, disliking a tweet can have a long-lasting effect on what appears in your newsfeed. Besides, do we really need new ways to express our outrage?


Sorry you left your credit card and dignity at the bar last night.

A Navy SEAL who has been moonlighting as a porn star is now under investigation.

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A Navy SEAL who has been moonlighting as a porn actor is now under investigation by the Navy for his side gig, ABC Newsreports. According to the article, the Naval Special Warfare Command aims to figure out "whether Chief Special Warfare Officer Joseph Schmidt III properly obtained permission from his commanders for outside work and whether they condoned his acting career."

Honestly, I respect his hustle. But apparently there are some strict rules in place about whether you can work elsewhere when employed by the Navy. Capt. Jason Salata, a SEALs spokesman, explained: "There are very clear regulations which govern outside employment ... as well as prohibitions on behavior that is discrediting to the service."

How did Schmidt keep this secret so long? I'm not sure, considering that Schmidt is married to a porn star by the name of Jewels Jade. Did anyone google them at any point in time? Apparently, Schmidt, under the name Jay Vroom, has been in more than 29 sex films, including a few winners with the titles "Apple Smashing Lap Dance" and "Strippers Come Home Horny from the Club." He's also acted alongside his wife, which I personally find kind of endearing. (Though can we really call that acting?)

Schmidt's wife said that Schmidt's coworkers at the Coronado base in Southern California not only knew about his side hustle, but actually watched many of his videos online. I'm sorry, but could this story get any weirder? Imagine reacting to news of your coworker being a porn star by searching for and watching videos of him in action. Most of my coworkers don't even know my birthday!

"He was always pretty open about it with the command," Jade said. "I mean, honestly, all of his buddies knew about it. Everybody knew about it." Jade also explains that the reason Schmidt started acting was because she enlisted him as an unpaid actor to cut the costs of making her films. Well, now Schmidt's acting might cost him his job. Man is it hard to make an honest living out there.

28 of the saltiest and most savage signs from today's Tax March against Donald Trump.

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Another Saturday, another massive, nationwide protest against the behavior of our very bad president. This time, with the IRS deadline of April 15 looming, citizens are once more demanding that Donald Trump release his tax returns, as pretty much every major-party presidential nominee has done for the past 40 years. The Trump camp has refused this request at every turn.

The result? People are getting pretty salty. Just check out these signs, collected from marches in over 150 towns and city's across this angry country of ours.

Man, I haven't seen Americans in agreement like this since... well... ever?

A 3-year-old who knows everything answered the internet's burning questions, and we learned a lot.

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On the internet, everyone thinks they're an expert. Whether it's dudes mansplaining foreign policy or reality show nerds arguing the merits of various seasons of The Bachelor, there's no end to the know-it-all-ism. Which is why it's so gratifying to meet someone who really knows what they're talking about.

The craziest part? This genius is barely out of diapers. Over on Reddit's "Ask Me Anything" forum, user MyUnalteredMind offered a thrilling opportunity: For the next few hours, he said, he would relay any (age-appropriate) questions to his 3-year-old son, then post the kid's answers, no matter how inscrutable or odd.

How did it go? Better than any of us—dad included—might have dreamed.

Unfortunately, we couldn't get every query answered. "He gets mad if ask too many questions during his cartoons," dad explained. But we can all rest a little easier knowing that this little boy has the entire universe figured out.

Shaq will pay for funeral of Atlanta teen who accidentally shot himself live on Instagram.

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Basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal has stepped in to help the grieving family of a teen who died in a senseless gun accident by offering to pay for his funeral, The Atlanta Journal-Constitutionreported.

Malachi Hemphill, just 13 years old, had been playing with a handgun on Instagram live when it accidentally went off, said his godmother Shantirea Bankston, who discovered him wounded in his room—his smartphone still streaming footage—after she heard a loud bang. Hemphill was transported to Atlanta's Grady Memorial Hospital, where he was pronounced dead.

“Check your kids' book bag. Check your kids room. Be involved with your kids, too, and see what they are doing and hopefully a good message will come out of this," Bankston warned other parents.

Shaq, an Atlanta resident, heard the story and paid the family a call—then a visit. When he learned that they had no way to pay for Hemphill's burial expenses, he promised to take care of it himself.

"No mother should have to go through this,” O’Neal said. “I can only imagine the pain that she and all of Malachi’s family must be feeling. I just wanted to do what I could to help them at such a terrible time."

"We wasn’t prepared to bury him this young," Bankston said of Hemphill. "We didn’t have insurance for him. So to have that from Shaquille O’Neal—it was a blessing and very touching, and we appreciate everything he does for the community."

Shaq has indeed always been there for his fellow Atlantans. Just a few weeks ago, he fully furnished the house of a young girl who had survived a vicious dog attack that left another child dead.

Girl has a little accident at school, but dad goes above and beyond to save her from embarrassment.

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Most of the time, dads love to embarrass us. For some reason, nothing seems to make them light up like a chance to leave us absolutely mortified in front of our friends—or anyone else we desperately want to think of us as cool.

But Twitter user @LucindaSowards' dad used the powers of awkwardness for good when her little sister had to come home early from kindergarten after a pee-related whoopsie. How? By arriving to pick her up in wet pants of his own.

Who would have thought that Billy Madison was full of genuine life lessons?

Everybody's roasting Trump for demanding royal carriage ride with the Queen on visit to the U.K.

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An amusing report from British newspaper The Times today revealed that Donald Trump really wants a fancy carriage ride when he visits the U.K.

"The White House has made clear it regards the carriage procession down the Mall as an essential element of the itinerary for the visit currently planned for the second week of October, according to officials," the article states. But security officials have balked at the request, since huge protests against President Trump are already expected, and the royal, gold-plated carriage—though in keeping with Trump's self-image—is far less safe than the recommended armored vehicle.

As you might expect, people are enjoying the way in which Trump continues to pretend he's the king of anything other than blaring, wearying incompetence.

Thankfully, if there's one person on this planet who can still stand up to Trump—and maybe knock him down a peg—it's Queen Elizabeth II. Or maybe she can have him put in an even fancier "VIP" carriage that gets driven into the River Thames. Either way, don't expect her to put up with this nonsense like we American peasants do.


I can't wait to hide all the Easter candy for the kids inside my stomach.

Happy birthday to someone still young enough to remember where you hid most of the Easter eggs.

Here’s to the Communion wafer for being the only thing I’ll eat on Easter that’s not covered in chocolate.

Jimmy Fallon returns to 'SNL' as Jared Kushner in his J. Crew war zone outfit.

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Last night on SNL, Jimmy Fallon returned to host the show and appeared in the cold open as the preppy, appeasing, and recently-appointed son-in-law of the President, Jared Kushner. And after Kushner received the meme treatment for showing up to an Iraq war zone looking like he stepped out of a J. Crew catalog, naturally Fallon showed up wearing the exact same thing.

But wait, the sketch gets even better. Because Trump brings in both Bannon and Kushner to let them know that only one of them will remain as his top advisor, America's Next Top Model-style. The ultimatum in the sketch comes just shortly after actual news that Bannon may be getting the boot, after being formally demoted and otherwise reprimanded by the president.In the sketch, the lights go dim and suddenly Trump takes on the rhetoric of the hit reality show's host, Tyra Banks.

"If you do not see your photo, you must immediately leave the oval office and join Kellyanne Conway in the basement," Trump-as-Tyra says.

Kushner and Bannon (who is just a person in a grim reaper costume, by the way), embrace and hold each other's hands as they wait for the final results.

"Don't worry your journey does not end tonight, because you'll get to come back after all of this and help send me to prison," Trump consoles them, hearkening back to the way the reality show would offer contestants chances to return to the show after they were cut. Plus, Trump adds, they'll get to walk away with $1,000 to L'Oreal.

Now, I won't spoil who wins and gets to stay and be Trump's chief advisor, but I will say that they have to do all of Trump's work while he sits in a chair and plays with a K'nex toy.

You can watch the sketch here:

Melissa McCarthy returns to deliver a special Easter apology as Sean Spicer in his bunny costume.

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Of all the sad/hilarious things about Sean Spicer, the fact that he once played the White House Easter Bunny during the George W. Bush administration is pretty high up there. Sure, he's smiling here, but only to mask the deep, deep pain.

The internet reminds Spicer of this particular humiliation nearly every day, but on Easter weekend itself—and in the wake of his tragically ignorant comments about Hitler and chemical weapons—it was only fitting that Melissa McCarthy returned to Saturday Night Live to give a special apology in character.

Also, in the bunny costume.

Can you win an Emmy for a recurring late-night TV impression? Just asking.

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