When the Ten Commandments were put in an Oklahoma City courthouse, Satanists argued they deserved a Baphomet statue, as well. This is like that, except better. 

There's a good reason that you don't let religion trump the law of the land: there are a lot of religions, and every single one of them (except for the one you are a part of, of course) is crazy. Except, apparently, the Satanists. Yes, the Satanists, the people you might assume would be the craziest of them all, are our last, best hope to make women's health a science-based issue. 

The Satanic Temple hopes to use the 'Hobby Lobby' decision to exempt all women from so-called 'informed consent' laws which mandate that a woman be lectured to by a doctor in very pro-life terms before getting an abortion. The Satanists argue that their beliefs demand they be able to make decisions "regarding personal health…on the best scientific understanding of the world, regardless of the religious or political beliefs of others." In other words, it's against their religion to let others' religions into their decisions. They've gone so far as to draft a letter that women can present to health care providers, declaring themselves exempt from informed consent laws based on their religious beliefs.

Hobby Lobby: where the portal to Hell was accidentally knit together by terrible legal reasoning and fluffy red yarn. 

'Hobby Lobby' famously stated that closely-held companies can choose not to cover their female employees' contraception and other reproductive health needs (as the law clearly says they must) by claiming it is against their religious beliefs and puts immortal corporate souls are in danger (for the record, their immortal corporate souls will cover Viagra until the day you die). In other words, 'Hobby Lobby' proved that the US legislature and scientific consensus are no match for belief, not least because the Supreme Court allowed Hobby Lobby to falsely testify in a court of law that contraceptives cause abortions.

The main issue is that the language of these 'informed consent' materials are specifically designed with a pro-life agenda in mind. They use language designed to personify a fetus and employ a raft of other pro-life propaganda techniques, in particular questionable science linking abortion to various cancers and also "post-abortion syndrome," a mental condition that no professional mental or physical health association believes to exist. Satanists argue that their members, and any women who object to having their decisions subjected to others' religious beliefs, should be able to print out a letter exempting them from hearing any politically or religiously motivated lectures before making a health decision.

The logo of the Satanic Temple's campaign. A damned good logo.

In other words, if the government cannot force Hobby Lobby and other "religious corporations" to cover women's health based on real recommendations from real doctors, why should Satanist women (and any women who want to take advantage of this brief window of sanity) be forced to obey the will of Christians? They are, you know, kind of opposed to each other.

If this seems like the end of the world to you because this is giving power to people who would impose their values on you by pretending to have access to a supernatural being...well, maybe the religious right shouldn't have spent the past few decades helping the corporate right turn our democracy into a joke by making corporations people, and even worse, religious people. Who would have thought that changing the entire nature of the fundamental building blocks of society would have unintended consequences?

Hail (Political) Satan(ism)!

(by Johnny McNulty)

When you ask a friend to house-sit for you, there's an unspoken agreement between the two of you. You're saying, "I give you permission to fuck with my shit." Your friend/housesitter is saying, "I'm going to fuck with your shit."

While you're away, you get to imagine your friend rifling through your drawers, studying the labels in your medicine cabinet, and checking the top shelves of your closets. You want your friend to be interested in your life and the secrets it contains. When you get home, you search your friend's eyes for some hint that your friend knows more about you now. He might not speak of it, but he knows you better.

If you get the sense that your friend barely even gave a crap about you or your house while staying in it, you're disappointed. You want to believe that he made the most of his time in your home, which is why for redditor sosomething, this had to be a very satisfying note to come home to after his friend watched his house and dogs while he was away.

(Via)

Glad you made yourself at home. Now get that penis looked at. 

(by Bob Powers)

I finally have enough money to leave your mom!

It's every parent's dream: your kid promises to thank you for your years of hard work by paying off your house. 

YouTube Star Timothy DeLaGhetto made that very promise to his parents years ago, and now, thanks to videos like Girls Don't Make Sense! and Guide the Cock, Don't Block It, he is able to make good. Must be such a warm feeling to be able to honor your family that way. 

Of course, when you've made that money off viral hits, the gift comes with a price: if they want that money, their reactions must be filmed.

Now all they have to do is sit back, relax, and wait for grandkids in the house that Dude, Show Me Your D*ck! built.

(by Myka Fox)

The kids are home guarding the house.

Doberman Pinschers were bred to be guard dogs, which is why they're traditionally better at scaring people than, say, successfully navigating a spiralling children's playground slide. So, the fact that one out of two of these dogs sticks the landing should be considered a success. Although, it's probably a lot easier to be a "glass half full" guy when you haven't been KTFO by your pet.

The first dog gets down the playground slide perfectly. At least by the standards of a toddler. By Doberman Pinscher standards, it's an embarrassing failure. The second dog is the one that gets it right, by realizing that just because his owner wants to pretend he's a child, that doesn't make him one. He's a dog, dammit. Deal with it. 

(by Jonathan Corbett)

I hope she's the pretty one.

To anyone who has ever been accused of being "the dumb sibling," behold! The dumbest sibling of all.

Laurel's sister asks, "If I am traveling from here to a location that's 80 miles away, and I leave here at 2 o'clock, but I'm driving at 80 miles per hour, what time will I reach my destination?"

Hopefully you were able to come to the answer before you reached this sentence. If you did, congrats! Your reward is average math skills! If you didn't, congrats! You get to watch this video to find out the answer. I can't do everything for you.

In either case, it's worth it to watch all the way to the end just to hear her Laurel's mom call her a "brain dead bastard" in an Irish accent. 

Here's another tough one: If I am traveling 80 miles away at 80 miles per hour, how long will it take this girl to clean up that fucking spilled soda???

And before you go defending her with the excuse that Ireland uses the metric system, it does not help her case. If someone asked you how long it would take you to go a distance of 80 flibits if you were traveling 80 flibits per hour, you would still have all the information you'd need.

Feel bad for Laurel? Feel worse for this wife. She managed to get even more confused when her husband asked the same question. 

(by Myka Fox)

With apologies to Kate Beaton: "Aww yiss. Mother. Fucking. Potato crumbs."

I personally nominate this person to lead a new round of peace talks between the Israelis and the Palestinians. Why? Because if there's one thing I know about this person, it is that she will take what she can get. She will not only take any offer on the table, she will take an offer that's been dropped on the same ground that thousands of people walk on every day, and she will make it seem good. This video was apparently taken after she had already eaten literal money off the floor (see at bottom). Money. The dirtiest thing in existence, both physically and metaphorically. She ate. Money. 

This video was taken on a Metro North train headed from NYC to upstate New York at around 8:30pm on Friday night. In other words, this is the train carrying back embarrassingly drunk suburban girls who were already too sh*tfaced after Happy Hour to keep partying in the city. As someone who has been on such trains, they are a menagerie of every kind of awful, intoxicated 16-50 year old demographic you can imagine. So, it's pretty impressive when one of them manages to stand out. 

This video was posted by Mary Massey, whose Instagram indicates that she is a much higher-functioning suburban girl from the greater New York area. Miss Mary Massey (as she goes by on Instagram) told Gothamist, 

"I started recording her after she ate a $5 bill off the floor and when I asked her if she was OK, she asked me if I "knew who she was," Massey tells us. "Her friend that was with her was also straddling the guy next to her on the train. Way too turnt up for a Friday at 830!!"

I seriously feel bad for whatever Domino's delivery guy in upstate NY had to answer her call that evening. Maybe all the local pizza places know just to dump the pie on her front stoop on Fridays.

(by Johnny McNulty)

"What are you not looking at?"

No one likes to be ignored. Especially by a visitor in your own house. So it's understandable that this kitten might take offense when a "new cat" shows up with a bad attitude. The kitten may have been open to the idea of friendship at first, but after several seconds of the silent treatment from his impolite guest, it's on! Or at least as "on" as a fight can be when one of the combatants is an inanimate object.

So if you own an aggressive cat with too much energy and are thinking about getting a second one to keep him busy, consider going with ceramics. They don't eat or poop, and will make the first one feel like the toughest cat in the neighborhood.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

1. The Bad News: True Love Is Dead — The Good News: Beyoncé Might Be Back On The Market!

Amidst recent rumors that music power couple Beyoncé Knowles and Jay-Z are on the outs comes news that Knowles is looking around Manhattan for a new place to lay her perfectly structured head. It is currently unknown which of the two cultural icons will receive custody of the American populace.

Ultimately, the most important crisis in the world right now is whether or not Jay-Z and Beyonce are doing well.

— Sara Benincasa (@SaraJBenincasa) July 24, 2014

2. Richard Nixon Probably More Obsessed With Pandas Boning Than Any Other U.S. President

It's impossible to say with absolute certainty whether or not President Richard Nixon was more concerned with pandas' understanding of the birds and the bees than other sitting Chief Executives. But he is the only one that we have recorded evidence of discussing such blue matters. The 37th President can be heard opining to the foreign editor of The Washington Star on one of his many archival tapes that, "The problem... with pandas is that they don’t know how to mate. The only way they learn how is to watch other pandas mate." 

I'm similar to a panda in that I'm generally alone and have lost interest in sex. And you thought I was gonna say I have two black eyes.

— Giselle (@letsgetgizzy) May 29, 2011

3. Government Shutdown Baby Boom — D.C. Residents Were Busy Screwing Each Other While Congress Was Screwing Them

In October of 2013, the U.S. Congress shut down the government after being unable to reach a bipartisan decision concerning funds for the 2014 fiscal year. Now, nine months later, we're seeing a 33 percent increase in births. So, turns out Congress accomplished something after all. And these children will grow up knowing that they have our legislative system's extreme dysfunction to thank for their existence. 

Best thing about the government shutdown? Government shutdown sex.

— Miles Kahn (@mileskahn) September 30, 2013

4. Running For A Few Minutes A Day Could Save Your Life If You Did It Which You Won't

According to a 15-year study of more than 55,000 adults, if you were to start running for just a few minutes every day, your risk of dying from cardiovascular disease would drop by 45 percent. Think about that tonight while you're on the couch, re-watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on Netflix for the third time.

Jogging is only fun if you pretend that you're running away from the cops, or a fire you just started, or a teen pregnancy.

— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) June 21, 2014

5. Fist Bumps Found Considerably Less Effective At Spreading Our Fecal Matter To Acquaintances

Researchers have found that handshakes are 20 times more effective at spreading your bacteria to all the people you encounter throughout the day than fist bumps. Though, neither produce nearly the same results as twerking. 

Sometimes when someone tries to "fist bump" me I just throw up on them.

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) March 22, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

All the single ladies just need Beyoncé.

Beyonce. Singer. Icon. Inspiration. Better than your terrible ex-boyfriend.

Cassandra Blackwel just went through a breakup, and instead of taking the pictures they took together and burning them while screaming his name until her throat bleeds, she discovered a more meaningful solution: Beyoncifying them. 

According to her tumblr beyoncify my boyfriend, "breakups suck. you know what makes them easier? reimagining your happiest times together with none other than Queen B."

Here is a sampling of her reimagined moments:

Seflies with Beach Bey. Graining on that... Swerve, surfin' all that good good. 

Queen B always insists on open mouth kisses.

Forget TLC, Beyoncé let's you chase all the waterfalls you want. 

I woke up like this, Christmas morning edition.

Yeah, the Photoshop job is terrible. She knows. Blackwel told BuzzFeed, “The pictures aren’t the best quality, but that’s kind of the point. I have no idea how to use Photoshop. I’m not trying to properly cover him, I’m just slapping him with Beyoncé, and people are really responding to that. It’s an ode to how much effort I put into the relationship, if you will.”

We will.

It's just in time, too. Now that it looks like Beyonce is on the market, its getting easier and easier to imagine your life with her, and Cassandra promises to share her Bey bae with everyone. If you email her photos of you and your ex, she will upgrade u to a Beyonce-ship, too. 

(by Myka Fox)

Acting a fool, losing his cool.

This video footage of DMX freaking out on an amusement park ride is my summer jam. I'm gonna be riding around town with the windows down and the bass cranked all the way up, while Dark Man X goes absolutely wild on the Magical Midway Thrill Park's Sling Shot down in Orlando, Florida. Check it out. You won't be disappointed:

See? What did I tell you? Now imagine that with some dank ass bass and a propulsive beat. This could be his newest Platinum.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

He should have bent his knees a little to get the height right, too. (via Instagram)

Meet 17-year-old New Zealander Liam Martin. He has an insanely popular Instagram account featuring pictures of himself painstakingly recreating pictures of famous women. They're pretty good.

Good enough to get him 1.5 million followers. No complaints here: he's got a gimmick, he executes it well, and he posts new stuff all the time. In my book, that's doing a damn fine job.

Liam told BuzzFeed that he started doing this because it was "something completely different from the norm." Happily, he's inspiring a lot of people to feel comfortable in their own bodies by providing them with an example of someone being different while also being happy and appreciated. "I get people telling me that I teach them to not be afraid to do something different," said Martin. 

Less happily, he's received a lot of hate mail from people who are unaware that it is 2014, "so many people can't embrace difference," explained the teen.

He's also done great work speaking out on bullying, self-harm and suicide. Thanks, Liam. You're a good kid.

Now, I don't mean to be a total effing schmuck, but how are we still getting our minds blown by this? This is clearly more about funny pictures than breaking new ground in gender identity.

Look, I think this guy has a great Instagram. Quality. I'd give it a solid A-. I guess the way he dresses up as these women technically constitutes drag, but this is the Internet: re-creating photos of famous people is its own genre in my book, separate from the world of drag and genderfluidity. I'm not saying we as an Internet culture don't need to keep fighting for inclusion and tolerance wherever possible. I'm just saying that I'm disappointed in humanity that this is still seen as odd.

If you like doing stuff like this, don't let anyone tell you you're weird or different. If it's 2014 and they don't know that making pictures like this in order to gain popularity online isn't the most normal thing in the entire universe...they are the weird ones, and you should pity them.

Keep up the good work Liam. I hope you're eventually so successful that all your haters realize that you are almost (almost) boringly normal.

I mean, if he was really a weird 17-year-old from New Zealand, why aren't there conspiracy theories saying that he's actually 34? Sounds like he's pretty boring to me. 

Dress however you want to dress, people. The only thing that can make you a disgusting freak these days are offensively retrograde opinions. The rest of us are just normal weirdos competing for fake Internet points.

Ok, maybe he's a little weirder. But in a good way.

(by Johnny McNulty)

by Dan Abromowitz

We all know her: she's chill, easygoing, "one of the guys." She'd rather play Call of Duty than watch The Notebook, knows more about sports than the boys do, and can drink anyone under the table. She fills the vital need for a bro that bros could actually admit to having sex with. She's the Guys' Girl, and if you've ever wanted to be as cool and accepted as her, here's how:

• Eat the wings off a chicken.
• Eat a live snake like corn on the cob.
• Eat a whale from the inside out.
• Compose a sensible but sharp ensemble of muted slate tones.
• Conquer.
• Train a falcon to die for you.
• Train a wolf to do your taxes.
• Take out a loan to buy up uncultivated land.
• Speculate wildly in the tech sector.
• Build extensive spreadsheets of complicated logistical calculations to determine when to do drugs with your buddies.
• Integrate UFC moves into casual conversation.
• Silently scoop up a handful of spiders.
• Chew your birth control.
• Admire the permanence of stone.
• Establish an outpost.
• Talk shit about a dry rub.

• Believe unflinchingly in your own experiences as the mold and template for the whole of the human condition.
• Slap an ox.
• Star in a Ford commercial.
• Develop a wide stance.
• Rest secure in your body's right to occupy the space it does.
• Run up to the top of a bunch of different hills.
• Recount every strong emotional experience you have like you're a goddamn explorer macheteing your way to the outer reaches of the known map and bringing back etchings of ancient ruins unbeheld by mortal eyes.
• Lay sod.
• Pledge a fraternity and get the nickname "Dumper."
• Pledge a fraternity and get the nickname "Big Lloyd."
• Pledge a fraternity and get the nickname "Butthole Cigarillo."
• Secure your legacy.
• Live in a spooky cave.
• Visualize a variety of three dimensional objects – cubes, spheres, pyramids – viewed from several different angles.
• Replace your blood with whiskey.
• Replace your whiskey with blood.
• Heave a rock at a toad.
• Simultaneously chug a beer and give a blowjob.
• Be Jennifer Lawrence, or at least control her from afar.
• Gun.

(Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.)

That special time in a man's life. (via)

Documenting a woman's body during pregnancy can be an intimidating proposition. That could be why redditor DruishPrincess69's wife decided to bail on the idea entirely. But that didn't stop him from hiring a maternity photographer to document his experience, and capture memories that he and (maybe) his wife will cherish for a lifetime.

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He'll be your superhero. (via)

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The only thing growing in him is confidence. (via)

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No need to be shy about manternity. (via)

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Eating for one. (via)

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Now I get why the wife bailed. (via)

If for some reason you feel the need to see more of these images, go here.

(by Jonathan Corbett)