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Three-year-old tries crawling through spinning tube. Winds up breaking physics.

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Park Rule #3: The law of gravity must be respected at all times.

When you first start watching this video of a three-year-old girl being coaxed through a fun house spinning tube by her mom, you'll probably be expecting a personal reaction akin to, "Awwww, the adorable little princess is a-scared of the moving floor."

Then, at around 27 seconds, everything changes.

Merlin's Beard! I've never seen such clear cut footage of a wizard child living in the muggle world. Someone from the U.S. Ministry of Magic needs to get in contact with this family and tamp down that girl's shenanigans before footage like this spreads beyond the blogosphere.

That part at the end where she yells "I like that, Mommy!" That's a flag. She's getting started with these powers. She'll be casting curses on her brother in no time.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)


No one else.

Not working out.

Orlando Bloom, your new hero, threw a punch at Justin Bieber last night. UPDATE: Video of the fight found.

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You come at the Bieb you best not miss. (via Getty Images)

All hail Legolas. 

Last night in Ibiza, longtime resident of The Hobbit franchise, Orlando Bloom, reportedly threw a punch at the world's least favorite Hobbit, Justin Bieber.

Sadly, he missed.

Here's The Clip With Narration In Norwegian, But Also, Circles!

Video from Norway television captures the moment of near impact:

TMZ is reporting that bystanders at Cipriani restaurant in Ibiza heard Bieber greet Bloom with the salutation, "What's up bitch?" Perhaps Bloom didn't realize this is as polite as the insolent gnome can be, and so chose to greet Bieber with his fist.

"Orlando was clearly annoyed when he saw Justin and instigated the situation by taking a swing at him," a source at the scene told The Mirror. "Luckily for both of them Justin ducked so Orlando’s punch missed."

Many are speculating, however, that the Bieber comment was not the primary instigator, but that Bloom's fury was borne from his heart.

Cuckolded By Kerr

According to The Mirror, there have been rumors that Bloom's ex-wife, Miranda Kerr, might have been involved with Bieber before her marriage to Bloom ended. Bieber reportedly fanned the flames of these rumors and tried to further antagonize Bloom when he posted (and deleted) this pic of Kerr to his Instagram account after the altercation:

Classy. Not sure what the crown emoji means, but in the hands of Bieber it's surely meant to imply something repulsive.

BuzzFeed is also reporting that Bloom was previously rumored to be romantically involved with Bieber's ex-gf, Selena Gomez.

So it may have been nothing more than two dudes fighting over their perceived claims on their women, but let's ignore the details and focus on what's important.

Someone tried to punch Justin Bieber in the face. 

This face.

At a time when half the world is at war and the other half is gearing up for more war, it's nice to have some good news for a change.

(by Bob Powers)

5-year-old girl is inconsolably sad that her younger brother won't be a baby forever.

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Facing mortality is so adorable!

This is Sadie. She's dealing with some issues at the moment. While most of us don't come face to face with the absurd cruelty of the cosmic joke until at least middle school, or whenever we hear our first Cure song, she's handling all that unpleasantness at just five-years-old.

Here she is working through her profound sadness that her adorable infant brother will one day grow into a toddler, and then a teenager, and then a man, subject to the withering effects of time. And with his fleeting baby-ness will go those 'cute little smiles' that she  loves so much. And, for extra credit, she also processes that she herself will one day cease to be, wailing 'And I don't wanna die when I'm a hundred!' to the empty, answerless heavens.

Sadie's gonna be a great philosopher one day. Or maybe a decent staff writer for a middling mid-season replacement sit-com. 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Poker player loses $1 million with the best hand in the deck.

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Just deciding where to take lady luck to breakfast.

It is $1 million to buy in to the World Series of Poker. You in?

Most of us would need to win the lottery to play a hand like that. Of course, not anyone with a milion bucks can play, you have to prove your worth as a player to get to this table. 

25-year-old professional poker player Conor Drinan did that. He has beaten the best of the best, and now that he's at the big table, he got blessed by luck with the best hand possible -- pocket aces. 

According to the announcer, pocket aces is a favorite against every other hand in the deck... except pocket aces. 

And wouldn't you know it. The luckiest hand in the deck got dealt again, to Cary Katz at the same table, and now the best of all luck just immediately cancelled out by itself. 

They both followed the rules and went all in on the "luckiest" hand, so we get to watch two world class poker players let the random cards from the dealer decide who has to walk away from a million dollars.

He lost on a flush. A flush! Pocket aces at the World Poker Tournament, and lost on a flush. 

If that happened to me, I would never stop screaming about it. It would be the first thing I woke up to in the morning, and the last thing my neighbors heard coming from my walls at night. In my old age, all the nursing home attendants would say, "Yes, yes, Ms. Fox, we've heard how you lost a million dollars on pocket aces. It was statistically improbable. Please finish your sandwich so we can remove your tray for nap time."

But Drinan is a professional, I bet he'll still be able to eat his sandwich. 

(by Myka Fox)

Big hits.

Breakfast for dinner.


Too hot.

Successful rivalry.

Life hack.

Hello, nurse.

Old man robbed while distracted by boobs.

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While you were looking at this picture we stole your watch.

An 83-year-old man in Knittelfield, Austria hired a couple of women to clean his house July 22nd, and then they cleaned him out.

Turns out, these women were professional Romanian con-artists, and the offer to clean apartments is one of their regular scams. 

One of the women in the cleaning crew, a 23-year-old and presumably the hot one, took off her top and wiggled her boobs in the old dude's face, or, according to Group Inspector Silvia Brugger of the Knittelfeld police, "distracted the victim by uncovering her upper body and dancing in front of him." 

While she was doing her best Showgirls impression, her friend ransacked the house for money and jewelry. 

It's all fun and games to get something you didn't pay for until you end up paying for it. 

The two managed to get away with several thousand euros from the apartment, until the cops caught up with them. They were arrested along with four accomplices. Maybe the girls would have had a speedier getaway if one of them had put some goddamn clothes on. 

Police say that there several people have been victims of the con group, noting that similar crimes were perpetrated in a nursing home. Hopefully, in the future, the elderly of Austria will be spared this embarrassment and provided with a more legitimate naked lady cleaning service.

(by Myka Fox)

Condolences.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - July 30, 2014

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1. Humanity Taunts Sleeping Beast Of Nature With Creation Of Malaria Vaccine

Infectious disease researchers think they might have struck upon a halfway decent vaccine for malaria. According to their data, it appears to have a 75 percent efficacy and provides protection from the virus for 18 months after the injection. At time of press, Nature has not yet responded with a new strain that makes your head explode upon infection. 


2. United Kingdom To Allow Robot Cars To Drive On The Wrong Side Of The Road

The British government will reportedly soon be allowing driverless vehicles to join human motorists in traveling about the country on the left side of the road. During this initial testing phase, a percentage of these cars will have humans on hand just in case the computer-pilot suddenly comes to its senses and attempts to drive on the correct side of the road.


3. Stephen Colbert Buys Sarah Palin's URL So She Doesn't Have To

As the people behind Sarah Palin's new online TV channel, SarahPalinChannel.com, have neglected to purchase the very similar url TheSarahPalinChannel.com, Stephen Colbert stepped in and made the purchase for her and has begun promoting it as "The only Sarah Palin Channel on the internet with a definite article in the address!"


4. MSNBC Finally Outpaces CNN As Least Successful Cable News Network

It may have seemed unlikely, at times even impossible, but liberal-slanted cable news network MSNBC has finally realized its goal of becoming an even-less-popular alternative to the conservative Fox News than CNN. Polling shows that the network has dropped 33 percent among day-time adult viewers aged 25-54. On top of that, it currently has only five viewers over the age of 65, according to research I just made up, but which is still almost certainly true.


5. The Not-Naked One From 'Girls' To Play Beloved Pansexual Children's Book Character On Live TV

NBC has announced that it will follow up last year's massively successful live performance of the musical The Sound of Music with a production of Peter Pan this December. Girls co-star Allison Williams will lead the cast as the gender-bending, fairy-befriending little boy who flits around and fights a creepy old man with a prosthetic metal hand in this timeless family classic.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)


Here is the Samuel L. Jackson "Mother F*cker" supercut you've been waiting for.

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"What's the word I'm looking for..."

How has this not happened already? I guess people assumed, like I did, that since supercuts had already been made of things like every Ned Ryerson scene in Groundhog Day and animals dancing to "Push It," making a Samuel L. Jackson "Motherfucker" compilation was a freshman requirement at film school by now. 

Maybe it took this long because of the workload involved. According to Oliver Noble and Ben Craw, the guys who put the compilation together for Huffington Post, it's 171 times. That's a lot of "motherfuckers," even for an actor whose bread and butter is playing bad motherfuckers.

Keep in mind, these are just the ones that made it into his films. There are probably a dozen or so more just from the outtakes of The Incredibles.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Kim Kardashian tried to take 1200 selfies while on vacation. It's time to get her some help.

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Even Kris is thinking, "I might need to intervene."

A deleted scene from Keeping Up With The Kardashians has hit the web, documenting Kim's maniacal effort to take 1200 selfies while on vacation in Thailand. It was clearly leaked because someone at E! was concerned.

The selfie obsession was apparently for a "Selfie Book" she intended to give to husband, Kanye, and making a book containing an astronomical number of photographs of yourself is exactly the kind of notion that comes to you when in the grips of madness. 

A mother knows...


1200?

Kris's offer to take some of the selfies for her is a mom's futile effort to protect her little girl long after she's become a woman. The very idea of taking a selfie for someone else is logically impossible, but she can't help it. Her baby is out of control and all she can do is watch as she spirals further into mania.

The E! network is clearly worried about their signature star, and they released this clip in the hope that she might look at herself and realize the monster that's staring back. Hopefully, the clip will help others as well. If you know someone who is on a quest to take an impossible amount of selfies, it's a cry for help. 

Don't let them cry alone. Take the camera out of your loved one's hand and pose for a two-shot. Get in the frame, before the frame swallows them whole.

(by Bob Powers)

Success story.

Man finds his lost watch inside his dog when the alarm goes off.

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Be careful with what your dog eats when nobody's watching.

Dog owner Terry Morgan is a recently retired bartender from Devon, England (where they call him a publican, not a bartender) who had his watch set to last call, or as he called is "drink up time."

The watch went missing, and he searched for it in his apartment, until one day he heard the alarm go off from inside Charlie the dog. 

"At first I thought he was lying on it," Mr. Morgan told the BBC. "Only when I rolled him over did I realize it was inside him. The watch was always set to go off at ten-fifty-five to remind me to call last orders. Luckily, I'd never bothered to change it."

He went to take his Newfoundland to the vet for a surgical removal that would have cost twice as much as the timepiece itself but, fortunately, Charlie coughed the watch up beforehand. 

Aside from having to get an x-ray to make sure he hadn't swallowed anything else (he hadn't), Charlie is fine. Morgan complains now that he has to hear the pub's regulars make "time" jokes, but I think he's lucky to have such a good watchdog.

And a good watch. Who knows how long Charlie's stomach would have kept the time without that alarm. He's lucky his dog didn't find a sex toy or it could have remained hidden for a decade

(by Myka Fox)

Work release.

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