Welp, wedding season is upon us. I'll give you a moment to calculate how much all of this year's weddings will cost you and then chug your wine.
Weddings are stressful. The pressure of a perfect day can lead to a lot of tension, and it often brings out the worst in people (looking at you, Aunt Carol). In some worst case scenarios, important relationships are put to the test during these trying times, and don't always come out on top. And while these relationship-ruining feuds are often caused by something as trivial as the required color for a bridesmaid dress, sometimes the issues go a bit deeper.
In a recent Reddit thread, a gay man made a long post about how his brother has asked him to act straight at his wedding. His fiance's parents are homophobic, so he doesn't want them to know his brother -- the best man, mind you -- is gay. Naturally, the man who made the post is upset. He feels he shouldn't have to hide who he is at the wedding, but also doesn't want to make things difficult.
Here is the full post from _reasonablerequest:
I (30M) have a twin brother who is getting married in July. I also have a fiancé (31M) who I am getting married to in October.
The family of my brother's future wife is of a different culture and religion and they come from a country where homosexuality is illegal. She is alright, but her parents are extremely bigoted. So in order to avoid any uncomfortable incidents, my brother has asked me if I could act straight on their wedding day. I'm not super flamboyant or anything, but I like showing affection to my boyfriend whenever I feel like it, including in public, and since I'm the best man, I'd be in the spotlight a lot, so they would probably notice it.
Since it came out of nowhere and he caught me unprepared, I said I would do it, but the more I think about it and talk to my boyfriend about it, the less I want to. I saw my family over the weekend and talked to my brother and said I didn't feel comfortable pretending. There will be friends and family at the reception who know I'm gay and who have met my boyfriend, and I think it would feel humiliating "acting straight" in front of them. Besides, what if I slip up and call my boyfriend "my boyfriend" within earshot, or if I do something automatic, like put my arm around him?
My brother seemed a bit hurt, but my parents and sisters made a huge deal out of it. They think I'm being difficult and that I should at least try to make my brother's wedding day go without any incidents. They're saying that it's just that one day and that I would survive not showing affection to my boyfriend for a few hours. They said I have it easy because I only really have to see them that one day but my brother is marrying into that family. In the end I said that if I have to do this, I'd rather not come at all.
Since then, I've gotten dozens of messages from all of them, asking me to change my mind and trying to convince me it's not such a big deal, but also calling me selfish and a bad brother. My parents have been reserved with insults, but my sisters have both called me an asshole.
I have no idea what the right thing to do is anymore. I feel extremely bad and guilty about all of it. He is my twin brother, my best friend, the one person I've always been closest to. He has always been there when I needed him and I feel horrible about not doing this for him. But I can't help but think what happens in October when I get married. Does he plan on hiding that from his in-laws too? And what if they have children? Will I have to pretend my future husband is my totally straight bro friend every time we see our nephew or niece and the in-laws are there? But then again, it's his wedding day and I, his twin brother and best man, am going to miss it and it feels wrong.
Most people agreed the this guy was not being an asshole, and his family/future in-laws are the ones who should be ashamed here.
Abirvalg44 said:
I would say NTA (Not The Asshole).
He’s not asking you to not wear a novelty shirt or not to embarrass him during a speech. He’s asking you to not behave as your self, constantly be on the lookout if you’re passing as straight and to not be you because you are a bit inconvenient.
I understand that this is not a hill you want to die on, and maybe you’ll go to the wedding. But, surely this will change your opinion of your family that they think so little of you.
thehohn said this and then most likely dropped the mic:
NTA you are gay whether or not it's convenient for them
AttackorDie proposed forcing the others to see this through a new perspective:
NTA - Tell them when they all come to your wedding they have to "act gay". No PDA with their partners, no dancing with their partners etc. This is obviously an idle threat, but hopefully it will help them see the situation from your perspective.
Phil0s0raptor made an excellent point:
Yeah shouldn't someone talk to the bigots about behaving well on the wedding day instead?
mangonlime waxed some poetry:
NTA. I would expect my brother and future sister in law to stand up for me if needs be and make it clear to the other side that bigoted behaviour will not be tolerated at the wedding. Enabling bigotry is no different to being a bigot too.
Many people here seem to think it's okay to ask you to hide yourself because it's your brother's wedding day. What other occasions would justify you being asked to hide? To accept bigoted behaviour? To accept being assaulted to keep the peace? If he isn't willing to stand up for you when it matters, is he really any kind of brother at all? Sometimes you have to support what is right regardless of the consequences. Otherwise what's the point?
MikeTangoVictor came in hot with some solid advice:
NTA - I would tell your brother that you love him and ask that he and his wife tell his in-laws in advance and let them process it. They may not like it, but the message from your brother and his future wife is just that this is who you are and they didn’t want her parents to be surprised.
When the day comes, just be your charming self. Know that your boyfriend may make some people at the wedding uncomfortable, but show them how great you are and how much you care for your brother and his wife and let the cards fall where they do.
Remember that you aren’t the one causing the drama here, and remind your family that you can’t control how other people act and you can’t pretend to be someone else your whole life just for your brother’s in-laws benefit.
You’ll do great. Good luck, OP.
The consensus here is that it's not chill to ask your brother to hide his homosexuality at your wedding, but telling your in-laws to keep their bigotry at bay is an option. Love that. Good luck out there during wedding season, everyone!