If you spend as much time online as I do, you're baffled by people's inability to use it wisely - especially when those 'people' are institutions with large followings. From retail brands to fast food chains, no social media strategist is safe, especially if they demonstrate the kind of tone deafness the United States military did this week. To be clear: I support the troops and the service members who put country before self. They do things that I haven't, and couldn't. But whoever's running their Twitter account isn't doing the best possible job.

This ill-advised tweet prompted military alumni to divulge the dark side of serving and the thread quickly spun out of control. People were candid about how military service negatively 'impacted' their health and overall lives. Many regretted serving at all. Disclaimer: you might not want to read further if you've experienced physical/sexual abuse, trauma, and/or violence.

Though people's earnest responses were heartbreaking, it was hilarious to see bystanders reveling in the turn the thread took. The juxtaposition of the military's open-ended question and dark, too-real answers made people laugh - and created a colorful 'mentions' party.

Thank you to the brave, hardworking current and former members of the United States military. To the military itself: I'm willing to consult on social media for a reasonable hourly rate. Looks like you could use some direction.

In case you missed it, Rudy Giuliani still has access to the internet, which means he is busy doing tweets that give the world confoundment, confusion, and joy?! The question mark was purposeful, because many have expressed bewilderment about how to actually feel.

Most of us with Twitter, have at one point or another made a typo in a tweet and later erased the fumbled version of our sentiment only to replace it with a shiny, better version.

But few among us can claim a tweet glow-up as extreme as Giuliani's most recent tweets about Nancy Pelosi. If you're confused by that sentence: welcome.

Here is the first tweet written by Giuliani, full of letters, but possibly no actual English words:

Here is the tweet he wrote immediately after, which we can only assume is the sentiment he was trying to communicate in the first tweet:

Most people, in Giuliani's shoes, would delete the first gibberish version immediately. But not him, this art remains up on the internet, where the responses and flooded in.

People are concerned and full of questions, all of which are reasonable to ask.

There are a lot of questions about Ivessapology, who is she?! What are those words, if they are words?!

It would be a grand understatement to say that Giuiliani's original tweet full of gibberish ended up greatly outshining his second tweet, with actual words about Pelosi.

Needless to say, this would suggest that Giuliani is beyond ready to party it up this Memorial Day Weekend, which gives him one thing in common with a large portion of America.

Leonardo DiCaprio - star of 'Titanic', 'The Revenant,' and your teenaged fantasies - is a sprightly forty-four years old.

And according to a chart that's circulating online, he's only willing to date women aged twenty-five and under. A data nerd who apparently shares my exact interests compared Leo's rising age to his various partners' and the results are...discouraging. At twenty-eight, I'm several years too ripe for Leo's Academy Award-winning penis. But more significantly: Leo's humanitarian beliefs don't extend to human women.

The Internet is grossed out by Leo's dating habits. You don't have to be a data analyst to see that his preference is to seduce younger, malleable women, and leave once they 'age out' of a brief window. To be fair: no one's forcing them to date Leo DiCaprio at gunpoint. But the age difference is an important part of the power dynamic at play. He treats women as disposable and seemingly interchangeable, and people aren't pleased.

Not cool, bro. Not cool at all.

We cannot!

This week Twitter user @Artbaesel (great wordplay!) asked queer women to share their best 'femme' vs. 'butch' looks if they serve both. Thousands of women responded with eye-popping photos that demonstrated the versatility of their personal style. If you're a queer woman, the whole thread is worth scrolling through for two reasons: 1) picking up style tips 2) shopping for your wifey. And yes, I'm sure men will enjoy these images, too.

Enough chatting. Let's get to these sartorial statements!

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"From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere."

— Dr. Seuss

Funny things are everywhere, especially right here in this meme list. Here are 21 of the funniest memes this week.

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We've all been there: you give your number to a romantic prospect, you text for a while, and he inevitably asks for nudes. Or you DON'T text for a while and he immediately asks for nudes. Either way: I'm not about it. Most of the Internet is pornography and I'm still expected to stage a sexy photoshoot for some random, so he can later get angry when I don't f*ck him and post the nudes online as revenge? No thanks. Ok, that's a worst-case scenario, but that's where my mind automatically goes.

In honor of my opposition to nudes - or at least the uncreative way men typically request them - below are fourteen of the most hilarious possible responses to 'send nudes.' I won't lie: several of these made me LOL for real. And to make me literally LOL? Honey, you bet it's funny! Enjoy.

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Y'all know who Jon Voight is?

He's an actor on Showtime's 'Ray Donovan', where he plays the title character's father. He won the Oscar for Best Actor in 1978 for playing a Vietnam veteran in 'Coming Home.' You might've seen him playing opposite real-life daughter Angelina Jolie in 'Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.' He and Angelina's relationship can be complicated.

Mr. Voight is making headlines for video messages he shared on Twitter in which he defends President Donald Trump and calls him 'the greatest president since Abraham Lincoln.' Though Voight's been an ardent supporter of Trump's, his recent missives still shocked Twitter. Comparing Trump to Lincoln is the anvil that broke the donkey's back, it seems.

The takes came fast, furious, and spicy as all heck. Twitter simply wasn't having it. Jon Voight? Sir, we need you to sit down - and confer with Angelina so she'll talk some sense into you.

Though the landmark Supreme Court decision Roe v. Wade legalized abortion nationwide, each state can enact its own restrictions on it. The more politically conservative the state, the more difficult it usually is to access abortion. Six states have only one abortion clinic left, of which Kentucky is one. NowThis News dispatched video from Kentucky's single abortion clinic of a woman simply entering its doors and it's heartrending to watch. She's assisted by clinic escorts while anti-choice protestors harass her on all sides.

Needless to say, once this video began circulating on Twitter, its content disturbed viewers. Responses were rife with anger, disbelief, and gratitude for the escorts. They're doing the Lord's work, truly.

I like this 'safe zone' idea.

Here's to hoping reproductive justice is possible, despite these kinds of odds.

Jesus may judge you for laughing at these raunchy memes, but we never will. Go forth and laugh, sinners!

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Meet James McMinn, attorney at law.

James specializes in divorce, but more importantly, he has an undeniable talent for creating savage memes. He is...perfect? His Facebook page is a true meme paradise full of snarky comments about how love is dead and marriage is trash. The man knows his audience, and he gives them (we) exactly what we want.

I scrolled through his page for a solid hour, choking on laughter and even gasping at some points. Even as someone who isn't married, I still found his content to be supremely funny. Something about eternal love going up in flames just makes me giggle. Am I full dead inside or are these memes just too good? Up for debate!

To save you some time of scrolling through Facebook, I put together a list of his best posts. Enjoy! Just don't tell your spouse you laughed at these.

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This man is the hero we need, not the hero we deserve.

People are stupid. This we know. And because of the glorious invention of the internet, we get to witness people put their own stupidity on display for the whole world to see. Isn't that fun?

In a recent reddit thread, someone (PaternityQuestion9) asked people to weigh in on whether or not they were being an asshole. And as it turns out, they very much were. They had gotten into a fight with their friend after questioning whether or not her kids belonged to her husband. Why, you may ask? Because her friend's husband was black, and the triplets had different shades of skin. Oof.

The original post reads:

A few years ago, my close childhood friend gave birth to triplets. Her husband is a light black man. Of the three, two were the same skin tone as her husband, and the third was much darker. The skin tones made me a little suspicious that her husband might not be the father.

I pulled her aside privately and asked her seriously if her husband was the father. She didn’t even listen or answer rationally, she just freaked out at me and acted super insulted and kicked me out. I reached out to her husband and told him about her reaction and told him he should get a paternity test and he called me an asshole and blocked me. Neither has spoken to me since.

I’ve always thought that they dramatically over reacted and were probably hiding something because of their responses, but they’re still married and sometimes I feel bad about what happened. I just felt a lot of empathy for her husband because I would be devastated if I wasn’t confident that I was the father of my future children. Was I an asshole for asking privately?

As you can imagine, people had some thoughts. Mainly that this person was an asshole.

Bryleigh98 said:

Dude. Genetics. One of his parents likely has a darker skin tone, and that came through in the grandchild. Not uncommon, super normal. You are a FLAMING asshole for this

critonurmom said:

Not only to ask her friend "privately", but then to bring it up to the husband because friend was rightfully fucking pissed .. Holy shit what a dick move.

n00bvin said:

Yeah, I was thinking if they were really close, they could get away with that shit... maybe. Once they went to the husband? That’s some bullshit. They would be out of my life forever.

NeatNefariousness1 said:

I think what makes this so "good" is that she has the nerve to ask a mother who just gave birth about the paternity of her children and when the mother took appropriate offense, OP doubled down to try to warn the father to question the paternity of his kids. All of this was done when the family should have been happily enjoying the bonding experience that a new addition brings. Instead, she upset the family for NO reason and still has to ASK "AITA"? Yes, OP. Yes you are--and a clueless one at that.

beka13 said:

This doesn't even matter. There was no reason for OP to even bring this up. They didn't notice some super secret trait, they're just looking at the skin color. The parents already know what color their children are. If they're fine with it then OP doesn't need to bring it up.

Especially with triplets who may well have been the result of fertility treatments. It's entirely possible an egg or sperm donor was used. Those children may or may not be biologically related to either parent and it's none of OP's business unless the parents want to tell them.

s0ilw0mb said:

A quick Google search would have completely solved OP's question, but then again, rational thought doesn't seem to be the core theme at work here.

plum_awe

As I understand it, skin tone genetics are particularly complicated. It's not like mixing coffee and cream together. A coworker of mine and her husband are both of mixed ancestry. Of their two daughters, one is extremely pale and one is much darker than either of them. All of them are awesome.

As people pointed out, this person questioning her friend is based on ignorance of basic genetics. They could have easily looked into this and found their answer, without having to upset their friend. And then, of course, there is the issue that none of this was their business to begin with. So, to take it up with their friend and then go behind her back and bring up to her husband is beyond rude.

So, next time you're thinking of insulting your childhood friend to their face, maybe consult with Google first.

Sophie Turner -- Queen of the Internet, dragger of trolls, and apparently master of flexibility. Women really can have it all, and Sophie is living proof of that.

During an interview on The Graham Norton Show, Sophie Turner showed off her old circus skills. That's right, our favorite Game of Thrones cast member used to a train circus artist. Is there anything she can't do? I doubt it.

Turner's flexibility came up when discussing her other impressive talent: sleeping. Speaking of her craft, Turner said, "I can do it any place, any time." And this is in part due to the fact that she is "quite bendy." Of course, everyone wanted to hear more about this alleged bendyness, and Turner did not disappoint.

Watch the full clip here. We recommend stretching beforehand:

As the host noted, Sophie was able to do this without even warming up. To which she replied, "Imagine what I can do when I am warmed up." Rule an entire kingdom, maybe?

Anyway, we bend the knee to this bendy queen.

You know what really p*sses me off? Most things! The world is crawling with both people and things that were seemingly put here to annoy us. But we each have certain things that annoy us more than anything else -- our biggest pet peeves, if you will. For me, it's when people leave water running when they don't need to. Or when people don't tip their waiters. Or when people chew loudly. And the list goes on and on.

But instead of covering my list of pet peeves, I've gather a list of other people's. My inspiration came from Twitter user @Home_Halfway asking his follows to name their greatest pet peeve. Without further ado, here are 35 infuriating things that will likely make your skin crawl. Enjoy!

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Think retail work is a cushy gig? Think again.

The brave men and women who staff our local strip malls are actually underpaid American heroes. They have to deal with some serious shit — sometimes literally — when customers go rogue.

One such worker recently posted the following pic of a soiled-looking bathing suit bottomto Reddit. The blunt caption? "Working at Target has shown me no one washes their ass."

The NSFW (well, unless you work in retail...) post garnered 16,000 upvotes and counting. Scads of fellow retail workers are now adding their own horror stories after working at the Targets and KMarts of the world. (To be fair to our beloved Tar-jhay, one poster added, "I worked at Target for 6 years and never saw this shit.")

We're re-posting some of the best (read: grossest) tales of fitting room woe below. Let's all be a little extra friendly to the next retail worker we encounter — and for the love of god, wear undies when trying on swimsuits!

Think a more upscale mall haven would be immune to this stuff? Think again:

"I had this happen super frequently when I worked with Victorias Secret ... still not the worst part of that job surprisingly." - miiiiumiuu___

One erstwhile worker explained why their local Targ canceled carpeting:

"I’ve worked Target fitting rooms. They took out the carpet because people kept shitting and pissing on the floor. Women would stick used pads to the walls. Target fitting rooms are second only to hell." - dazedhoney

Guess a lot of these perps just walk out pants-less:

"This happens if you work fitting rooms in retail. I’ve seen full period blood stains. People’s shit in pants just left behind." - lilbaby_shark

These two might have cracked the case for why bikini bottoms are so much harder to find than tops:

"I also used to work the fitting room at Target. The number of bathing suit bottoms that I had to damage out due to period blood stains was TOO DAMN HIGH." - Graceless33

"even after reading all the comments before this, it wasn't until now that I realized why I can always find a bikini top at Target, but NEVER a matching bottom in the right size." - nachobrat

Apologies in advance for the word "frumunda":

"Once had a pack of hippies/hobo's come in and try on clothes. a.k.a. shed off the bad ones and steal a few good pairs of clothes under their disheveled outerwear. They left behind the more ragged of the layers for use to dispose of. The fitting room area smelled like B.O. and frumunda for about 2 hours, even after we febreezed and disinfected the area." - ImaThaBean

When you gotta go, you gotta... okay, no:

"I worked at Belk’s in college, and we found used tampons AND pads in our department’s dressing room. In Men’s Formalwear, someone PISSED all over the mirrors, and someone walked through the store, shitting all the way to the bathroom." - BubbaChanel

It was nice of this rogue urinater to stay around and take questions afterward:

"The store I used to work at had an incident where someone had pissed on a pile of clothes in the dressing room, and while he was waiting in line my manager pulled him aside for a bit of public humiliation ('sir, why did you piss on these clothes?') although I bet the guy loved it." - Sparklewhores

Parenting on-the-go:

"I work at a furniture store and in the department furthest from the bathroom, I found a diaper brand plastic bag filled with liquid, tied shut and thrown under a bin of chair cushions. I think a parent actually had their kid pee in a bag. Accidents happen but instead of throwing it in the trashcan at the entrance and exit of the department, they chose to hide it." - lowpowermode

Yeah, this is just wasteful:

"My friend worked at a target and said that one lady sprayed her breast milk on the mirrors once.........like dude that’s your babies food. What’s wrong with you?" - joshy5lo

A tanning salon tale proves this kind of behavior isn't limited to fitting rooms:

"[In a tanning salon,] things that are normal: dudes leaving a small mound of cum on the bed, women pissing in the tiny trash can, anyone pissing on the carpet in the room, women hiding used tampons behind the bed, your shitty underwear hidden behind the bed, etc... You think it? Yeah, that's normal for someone." - TalesFromAChad

Someone was trying too hard to be the "cool dad":

"Worked at Michaels and have seen some nasty stuff. Worst time was when a man let his boys pee in the fake topiary trees." - Patina_Pentaghast

And finally, while it didn't take place in a fitting room, this batshit customer gets points for creativity:

"I think my grossest retail story is when a girl returned a used pregnancy test poorly wrapped in a sandwich bag, told me it didn’t work." - lragdel

Moms are honestly the best. For all their quick wit, thinking on their feet and grand master problem-solving skills, though, sometimes they just really miss the point. We don't blame them, it's hard having to jam the schedules, food allergies, and emotional needs of an entire family in addition to keeping up with useless knowledge like, uh, the Kardashians.

The internet has long been a place to laugh at our elders not understanding technology or the latest trends (remember when all those grandparents tried to search for restaurant menus by just writing "menu" on Facebook walls?). Now, in the age of memes and a president who conducts his administration largely through Twitter, it's pretty funny when our parents just fully miss the point.

So, when people shared this mom-related meme with their moms, the confused reactions were pretty hilarious.

Do you think Kim Kardashian is going to be ok with all these moms not recognizing her after the Jack in the Box incident of 2019?

Moms, you're all doing a great job! Stay strong in the face of meme culture, it's going to be ok.

Taylor Swift has zero time for the gendered double standards present in many interview questions. Her years in the spotlight have firmly given her the status of a veteran interviewee, and it showed in a recent exchange when she fully shut down a question she didn't like.

During a recent chat with the German news agency Deutsche Presse-Agentur, Swift was asked about her upcoming 30th birthday, and whether that will be the "turning point" where she will choose to be a mother.

Rather than dive into the topic of motherhood, one completely irrelevant to her current music career, Swift called out the inherent double standard in the question:

"I really don't think that men would be asked this question when they turn 30. So I'm not going to answer that now."

She then went on to share that she looks forward to her 30s, and the ways she anticipates she'll feel more at home with herself than in her 20s. But still, she plans to take risks and make inevitable mistakes in the next decade.

"I hear others say that in your 30s you don't have as much stress and anxiety in your life as in your 20s, and I can add the observation that we in our 20s are on the search, to gain experience, try things out, fail, make mistakes."

"And I definitely plan to try and fail things in my 30s as well. But I expect that in our 30s we know a bit better about who we are. The closer I get to it, the more I feel that that's what will happen. I hope it will."

Her fans, upon reading the interview, immediately applauded the straight forward way of addressing a question commonly leveraged at female artists, but rarely (if ever) asked of male artists.

Regardless of what her 30s holds in store, it seems clear she has found honest ways to navigate the firestorm of media appearances.

The much used adage "you can't choose who you love" is as true as it is frustrating. While the unreasonable nature of love can lead us to surprising and fantastic connections, it also oftentimes leads to relationships with huge question marks hanging over the, question marks that are much easier to see if you're outside of the relationship. One of the many questions marks that often crops up is the issue of how a loved one treats extended family and friends, and how religious and political differences manifest in social settings.

In a recent post in the Am I The Asshole subreddit, the user throwaway-thewedding shared an argument with their fiance that caused them to consider canceling the wedding.

In the post, he shared that she comes from a far more religious background than him, and while she abides by much of it, it hasn't caused issues in their relationship up until now. However, now, with wedding plans in tow, her conservative values are coming into play. The OP shared that his 22-year-old son has been out of the closet since he was 14-years-old, and dating the same boyfriend for years.

OP has made his support of his son clear, and considers his son's boyfriend a close family friend. However, due to religious homophobia, his fiance has requested the son's boyfriend be disinvited from the wedding in order to make her parents more "comfortable."

The OP, as a loving father who doesn't support homophobia, shared that this whole exchange has made him reconsider marrying her in the first place.

"WIBTA if I called off my wedding because my fiance does not want my son to bring his boyfriend to the wedding?"

"My son was born when I was only 15 years old, and I’ve been a single dad since I was 18. It was hard living for a long time money-wise but I always tried to do best by my son. Today I own my own gym and my son is now 22 and going to college and works at my gym full-time. He came out to me when he was 14 years old and I’ve always been supportive of him and his identity."

"I’ve been with my fiancé now for about 2 years and while she does come from a very deep religious and conservative family, she has never had any issue with my son – at least nothing she has ever expressed to me. My son has been dating his boyfriend since he was 18 and I’ve gotten to know him really well."

"However my fiancé told me recently that she does not want my son’s boyfriend to come to the wedding nor does she want her parents to even get the inclination that my son is gay. That if they found out, they would have a complete fit. This really bothered me because I refuse to ask my son to go back in the closet. What is going to happen in the future? When my son gets married himself? Will they want him and his husband barred from other family events?"

While his fiance is framing this as a "wedding only" situation, the request to make his son hide his identity is causing the OP to question what kind of foreshadowing this represents for future displays of homophobia.

"He’s my son and will be the best man and it would be unfair to deny him a plus one because her family has an issue with gay people. When I told her this, she got very angry with me and told me that I was being selfish and over-dramatic – that it would just be for this one day, that she wants the perfect wedding. I told her that this was unacceptable and that I was not going to ask my son not to bring his boyfriend. It’s my wedding too and I want his boyfriend there."

When OP laid down the law, and refused to exclude his son's boyfriend from the wedding, he received the silent treatment, which he took as another red flag in itself. When he told his brother about the situation, and his second thoughts about the marriage in general, he was accused of being an asshole. So now, he brought his query to the internet, and they had a lot of thoughts.

"After that I got the silent treatment for a day and since then it hasn’t been discussed again. However, it has left an extremely bad taste in my mouth and has me contemplating calling the wedding off. I do not want to marry into a family that would potentially discriminate against my son. I love my fiance very much but my son will always come first. I told my brother and he said that I was being the asshole here – that it would just be for one day and that since my son is an adult, it’s unlikely that he would have that much interaction with his “step grandparents” in the future anyway."

"I still don’t feel comfortable about the entire situation and am really thinking about calling the wedding off. Would I be the asshole if I did this? Am I being unreasonable here?"

WitchWithDesignerBag urged him to follow his gut, and cut things off with the fiance before it gets worse.

"Holy cow NTA. You should also seriously reconsider marrying this person. Your son's feelings take obvious priority of the feelings of your in laws, who aren't even related to your son."

viddy_me_yarbles agrees that the in-laws are obviously the assholes in this situation.

"Yeah OP, your inlaws are assholes and you know it. Don't let them make you into an asshole to match them. You've obviously worked hard to make sure your son feels accepted for who he is. Don't undo that now."

rebuildthedeathstar brought up the fact that the in-laws might not even care at the wedding, and the fiance's projection and problem solving is an issue in itself.

"Tbh, the in laws don’t even know yet so technically their reaction is still to be determined. What if they don’t care?"

"The bigger deal is how could OP’s fiancée imagine that this was an acceptable request or that it’s only “one day”. Sounds like she needs to have a sit down with her parents and their conservative beliefs."

jhappyy also pointed out how the silent treatment in itself is a huge red flag to note, as that behavior is overtly manipulative.

"There's another big, maybe even bigger red flag here: The silent treatment. She's trying to force her will on OP by not giving him a chance to speak. This will continue in the future. Whenever they will not agree on something she'll do it again and again. I've seen it reach the point where even a wrong remark will lead to the silent treatment.

This behaviour is unacceptable. Get out OP as long as you can."

fersure4 agreed that the wedding will just be the first of many homophobic microaggressions, and as a gay man who has experienced this brand of bigotry, he urged OP to prioritize supporting his son.

"NTA - As a gay man I agree that you shouldn't ask your son to go back in the closet. I believe you're also right that it wont just be one day, it will be an issue during any family event that your future in laws and son would both be attending."

"You care about your son's well being and your wife wants her family's bigotry to trump his well being. Fuck that. Ultimately it's your decision on what to do, but I only hope you continue to be a good father."

At the time of writing this, the OP hasn't updated the post to share whether he made a final decision, but if he listens to the advice of others, it's clearly time to call it quits with the fiance.

On this day after Memorial Day, let's take a moment to recognize another group of heroes who deserve our boundless awe and admiration: pediatricians. Not only do they work hard to keep children healthy, but they have to deal with a dangerous group of people who pose a real hazard to public health and safety: anti-vax parents. Imagine going through 8 years of schooling only to have to reason with a grown adult who refuses to vaccinate their child against preventable diseases, all because they read a conspiracy theory in a Facebook group called "VaccInashunS CawSe AwtIsM." It makes me want to punch a wall just thinking about it. Doctors and nurses in this position often face the difficult burden of having to try and change parents' views, which is especially difficult when dealing with a group of people who operate in a space devoid of logic or science, which makes arguing with them nearly impossible. But, though success stories are rare, a Reddit user recently shared their story about how a pediatrician they worked with was able to change an anti-vax parent's mind. How? By speaking to her in a language she can understand: fake conspiracy theories.

A fourth-year medical student who goes by _Haliax_ responded to a thread asking: Doctors of Reddit, what are some of your anti-vax parent stories? They wrote:

4th year med student reporting in.

Had a rotation with a pediatrician where we ended up in the classic encounter with an anti-vaccination parent.

This lady was a conspiracy theory magnet. She casually mentioned everything from 9/11 to chemtrails. Of course she loved the idea of the vaccine conspiracy as well, opting to not protect her one year old to stick it to big pharma.

EPIC EYE ROLL/deep sadness. Luckily, the attending pediatrician had clearly dealt with this kind of person before and handled it brilliantly:

I relayed all of this to my attending after my exam (I would see the patient first, gather history and do my exam to present to my attending physician). He got this sort of lazy smirk on his face that screamed “watch this”.

We go back into the exam room and we cover all of the important bits of a well-child encounter. Growth charts, behavioral milestones, nutrition, sleep...

And then we get to vaccines. She lists approximately 15 reasons why vaccines are more dangerous than the disease they protect against (lol) in addition to the various evils of the pharmaceutical industry.

My attending listens quietly until she’s done with her soapbox (about one eternity later), and then interjects with:

“Have you considered the possibility that anti-vaccine propaganda could be an attempt by the Russians or the Chinese to weaken the health of the United States population?”

This explanation was so crazy that.... it worked.

In a moment of catastrophic cognitive dissonance, I swear I heard a strange popping noise as her brain misfired. It actually broke her. The allure of the increasingly ridiculous conspiracy theory was just too strong.

She ended up agreeing to a modified vaccine schedule. I was flabbergasted. My attending just grinned at me in response. To this day I’m not sure the medical ethics of the situation are totally palatable, but goddamn the result was amazing.

So the moral of the story is: next time you encounter an anti-vaxxer in the wild, just speak to them in their own language and warn them that aliens are coming in UFO's to snatch up any and all unvaccinated children and to protect their children from being deported to Mars they must give them anti-alien vaccines. Just don't mention any facts or science. They hate that.

Also: we're screwed.

Parents are truly the unsung heroes of humanity. Aside from the entire birth process which is difficult and painful enough, there's all the lost sleep, cleaning up vomit and other excretions, dealing with screaming and then the wild teen years. The struggle really never ends, but at least we can laugh about it sometimes.

While kids are known to say some pretty crazy things, it's hard for parents to ever admit there are moments that make them question whether parenting is the right gig for them. Moms and dads are supposed to think of their children as miracle angel cherubs that couldn't possibly make their lives harder, but the reality is that sometimes you might want to go back in time and get a good night's sleep because there is pancake batter in your hair and your kid just called a stranger at the grocery store a "fat blob."

When a recent Reddit user asked, "Parents of Reddit, what was the worst thing your kid/s ever did that made you momentarily wish you didn't have kids?" brave parents came forward to share their stories. You're not alone, parents. It's ok to want to ship your kid directly back to the stork sometimes.

1. Oh my god, "Garbageperson404."

My 4yr old daughter (at the time) slapped a 3wk old newborn across the face immediately upon meeting her.

2. This should be a movie, "ibrakeforsquirrels."

My kids buttered our dog. You ever try to catch a freshly buttered Chihuahua?

3. Wow this is a metaphor for having kids, "MuddButta."

One time, they decided it would be fun to play in the bathroom. It just so happened that I left my wallet in a pair of pants on the floor. They flushed about $400 down the toilet 😑

4. Oh no, "freshpicked12."

My 3 year old got diarrhea at the park this weekend. We were 1/2 mile walk from home with no bathroom in sight. I wanted to disappear.

5. This is amazing, "trontrontronmega."

When my then 3/4 year old daughter asked me very loudly why I don’t have “down boobies” like the older lady in the swimming pool change room that was standing right next to us getting dressed

She actually laughed and said to enjoy my up boobies while I still had them but I was still dying inside..

6. Wow this is evil, "uwtjvczt."

Pawned my wedding ring to buy drugs.

7. Wow, "dce42."

It was early morning, and i was sleeping in my bed. My two year old woke up before me, and decided that she was going to wake me as well. She climbed out of her bed, went into the kitchen, made a set of stairs to get the kitchen knives, grabbed a knife, and headed to my bed. She climbed into my bed, and stabbed me an inch below my eye. I woke with her holding said knife over my head, and her giggling like the bride of chucky.

8. Dear god, "lameusername11."

My then 2 year old puked, which landed in my open mouth. I wished the Goblin King would come for him then.

9. Yikes, "Sundaydinobot1."

When my son was four, we were in the check out line at the grocery store. There was a very obese man two people ahead of us and unfortunately my son spotted him. He points and says very loudly "Mommy! Look how fat that man is!"

My insides go cold. People around us are trying not to laugh. I say in a very firm voice. "S that's not a nice thing to say."

To which he replies. "But he's really fat."

Then I tell him to just be quiet. It was the longest I've ever waited to check out.

10. This must've been a roach paradise, "picking_up_pieces."

3 dozen half eaten sandwiches hidden around her bedroom.

If she'd told us she didn't like them, that would have been fine. but to hide them? Holy smokes.

11. Ha, "alkakfnxcpoem."

The other day my 5 year old walks up to a group of Indian woman and loudly goes "WHAT'S WITH THE DOTS ON YOUR FOREHEADS?" Pause. No response. "WHAT'S WITH THE DOTS ON YOUR FOREHEADS?" I drag him away saying it's part of their religion blah blah blah and he goes "WHAT'S A RELIGION?" Clearly nailing this whole parenting thing.

12. This is hell, "RatigatorStew."

My son once told an overweight woman that she was obese and that she was going to die because she was unhealthy. She was not pleased. lol I think you handled the situation really well.

13. Is your son ok? "xstevemo."

I was talking to an older gentleman at a softball game. My 5 year old son was standing by us, patiently listening. With no warning, he punched the old guy as hard as he could in the berries. The old guy collapsed in pain. I asked my son later why he did that. He had no explanation. Just wanted to do it.

14. Sugar and spice and everything nice? "redneck_lezbo."

I have two girls who are about 6 months apart in age (adopted). One morning I woke up to the worst horror. The younger one managed to climb into the older one’s crib and then they proceeded to strip each other naked and paint each other, and what they could of the crib and room, in each other’s shit. Seeing them both standing there grinning gave the phrase ‘shit eating grin’ a whole new meaning.

It was a shitty morning to say the least.

15. Torture, "cman_yall."

Waking me up in the middle of the fucking night for four fucking years and still going with no end in sight.

16. Oh boy, "Xht5889."

My mom was watching and told her to go to her room, she took scissors and cut off 75% of her hair that was down to her waist and gave herself a joe dirt mullet

17. Damn, "micaub."

Made my nipples bleed while breastfeeding. Oh and shut down my kidney while I was pregnant.

People either passionately love or violently hate country music. There's no in between. If you're one of those people who's ears bleed when they hear a banjo, this meme list is for you. On the other hand, if songs about horses, trucks, and dirt roads really crank your motor, don't get your chaps in a bunch, just click here instead.

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