For a lot of people, high school was just a time to study for the SATs and cry, but for others, it was a time to get laid and get pregnant. People on Reddit dished about the wildest things that happened while they were in school, and likely studying for the SATs.

1. Welp, hopefully VitruvianDude's principal is in prison.

The summer after I graduated, the principal was caught propositioning underaged teenage male prostitutes.

2. combaticus22's classmate killed a social worker.

This was 10 years ago. My first day of highschool, I get home after school and my mom is watching the news. A senior killed his social worker with a chainsaw and then stabbed his mom a couple times. After that he went for a walk and listened to music. They caught him all bloody and everything.

You can read about it here before it inevitably becomes a successful podcast.

3. Are there teachers who aren't sex criminals, Snowyguy?

My history teacher blackmailed the girls who weren't doing so good on his class. He exchanged good grades for nudes.

4. Did Gunther482 go to school in Riverdale?

Had a few....

High School math teacher got a DUI on a tractor and was fired.

PE and CS teacher had an affair while both were married to other people. They eventually both divorced and ended up marrying each other.

Accounting teacher married a student about a week after she graduated. Rumor was that they were already sleeping together when she was 16 and she was pregnant before graduation as well by the teacher.

A couple bomb threats

5. Yikes, m1sel_ should teach Trump what lynching is.

There was a white kid who had a black baby mannequin to take care of for a week for some project to see if he would be a responsible parent. He hung the baby on a tree outside of the school, expelled and made news on the local paper. [Besides that] not not much.

6. AnusEinstein's middle school must have had poorly attended fundraisers.

In middle school a kid broke in one night to the building with the library. He piled up a bunch of books and set them on fire. Plus he stole some stuff. One of the things he stole was a t-shirt from a fund raiser display. He got busted because he wore the shirt - a shirt no one else would have.

7. Gemmabeta's story is so tragic, I feel guilty putting it in a listicle.

A bunch of seniors were having a graduation party in the woods. One of them passed out drunk, rolled into a 6 inch deep culvert and drowned. They didn't notice he died until morning.

8. raddlesnake's story would make a good Heathers/Breakfast Club crossover reboot.

It was in 2007, but my high school had a string of bomb threats.

There was a bathroom where no cameras could see who went in or out, and someone wrote in sharpie across one of the stall doors, "There's a bomb in the school" with that day's date. The school was evacuated, and we all went home.

For the next few months, there was a bomb threat seemingly every friday. We'd be in the middle of the first or second period, then we'd all go home. After we missed enough days, we all had to come in on several saturdays, and the bomb threats stopped.

9. Catfishing is a worse offense at Morphine_Mydriasis's school.

Teacher sent nudes to a kid because the kid pretended to be a different person on a dating website. Teacher left. Kid was expelled.

10. Ay caramba, PhilipLiptonSchrute.

We had a senior, male student in my high school who knocked up a freshman and the Spanish teacher within like a week of each other.

11. ksumbur's scandal is adorably wholesome.

Not a scandal, but my entire high school was put under lockdown because there was a rabid squirrel on campus.

12. heppyscrub witnessed a different kind of sexting.

During psychology class, this girl had her phone between her skirt and I guess every time she got a text or something, it would vibrate and she would kinda squirm.
It was interesting to watch since I was across from her.

13. Okay, JohanCzaczke's story is definitely Riverdale.

English teacher got pregnant by my high school quarterback who was also the police chiefs son for my town.

14. AnusEinstein again, with a moooooooving story.

On the lighter side the vice principal wrecked his car one night coming back from a school football game. Somehow he had managed to hit a dead cow on the side of the road. For the rest of the year he got subjected to random "moos" when he walked down the halls.

15. Shut it down, Cjd114 wins

Someone baked their [grandfather's] ashes into cookies and fed them to students.

Yes, there's a video.

"Work sucks, I know."

-Blink 182

If you're counting down the minutes (only 10,518,984 left) to retirement, you will appreciate the hell out of these workplace memes. They are wacky, funny, and most importantly kill time until 5 pm.

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Being a teacher seems like one of the hardest jobs out there. Because in addition to teaching, they also have to keep kids out of trouble, prevent them from harming themselves or others, and stop them from bringing contraband items into school. This is no small feat. Someone asked teachers of Reddit: "what are some of the weirdest things you’ve confiscated from a student?"

These 27 stories from teachers prove that kids not only do and say the darndest things, they also try to smuggle the darndest things into school.

Live animals, and dildos, and drugs, oh my!

1.) From Rabbit929:

A Ziploc bag of pink Crayola crayons that he sliced perfectly into small discs with a razor blade. He was trying to market them in the hallways as hallucinogenic pills.

2.) From FreeAlabama:

Small Tupperware container of swamp water

3.) From benx101:

A pencil with a bunch of glued on dick shaped confetti.

4.) From caitie_jayne:

A taxidermied Kookaburra.. She'd taught herself how to do it from books..

It was not done well.

Edit: just to clarify, apparently it was dead (having been hit by a car) when she found it.

5.) From Ihadacow:

Student was trying to stick a large suction cup dildo (like the ones you use in the shower) to another student's locker. He actually asked what the problem was.

6.) From Lemontopineappe:

A white lacy thong from a kindergartner... she was wearing it on her head.

7.) From KMermaid19:

A vitamin B12 vape pen. Didn't know they existed. It was a nine year old. In class.

8.) From caycan:

A nugget of weed wrapped in tin foil that a kid stole from his dad when he was mad at him.

9.) From sharkainbow:

A sugar glider. Kept hearing a high pitched squeek in class. Noticed she had a small animal in her jacket pocket when it decided to poke its head out.

10.) From dr239:

I teach little ones, so nothing nearly as risqué as some of the others in this thread.

I’ve confiscated handcuffs, a wrench, baby bottles, and a variety of bugs and small animals the kiddos caught out at recess.

A colleague confiscated an, um, adult movie from a five year old. The kid didn’t know what it was (didn’t even know that it was a video tape, or anything about it). It just ‘looked cool’ (the tape itself; he didn’t know of the content).

11.) From inb4_banned:

in music class this kid oliver pulls out a matchbox car and starts playing

teacher takes it, turn around places it on piano, turns back

he's already gotten the next one out of his pocket and it back to playing

so she took it again

rinse repeat

funniest shit ever to an 8 year old, we laughed so fucking hard

12.) From ulsanforyou:

I taught English in South Korea for a year. One time I caught a kid doing the old "comic book inside a text book" routine. I was surprised. I didn't know kids did that. After laughing I confiscated his comic book.

13.) From Chaps_and_salsa:

A raccoon penis toothpick. He kept poking other kids with it. Sigh.

14.) From Shovelbum26:

I had to confiscate an 11th graders laptop because she was going to, ehm, mature-themed chatrooms during class. Specifically ones for married men looking to chat with young girls.

Yeeeeeah.

Then, after she wasn't allowed to bring her laptop or phone to school anymore, she later got banned from school chromebooks for doing it again. She was not very bright.

15.) From jbrittles:

When teaching Pre-K I had to confiscate a grenade.

There was very serious confusion and terror when I saw him and told my aid that Timmy is holding a grenade. No not a toy. Timmy! (name confidential) What do you have there buddy?

He tells me excitedly that it's a grenade! I asked him where he got it and he said he found it in the trees by his house. You know, as you do in Midwest America, just find grenades in the trees. I made him give it to me immediately.

It turned out to be hollowed out and I believe it was a WWII pineapple grenade. His mom called maybe 4 hours later to tell us, uh hey I forgot to mention Timmy wanted to bring his grenade to school. Yall can just put it in his cubby. She also explained that he just found it.

I still can't believe that happened. How do you just find a grenade? Why do you let your child bring it to school? So many other questions.

16.) From reptilefood:

It wasn't exactly a confiscation. Some of my students thought it would be a good idea to bring me two chickens. Two live chickens. They knew my daughter had a pet duck that had recently died, so this was their idea to help us get past the grief. I had to keep them in a carrier in my classroom closet in the dark just so they would be quiet. (The chickens, not the kids). By the end of the day I found a kid with a grandmother that had a farm. She took the chickens home. Edit: Here's her duck in better days.

17.) From youhearditfirst:

Not confiscated but actually given as a gift. A bag of her hair. A bag of every strand of hair she’s had cut since birth.

18.) From 124701:

Not a teacher but a kid brought a human skull to school. I think the teacher just had a conversation with him about it.

Edit to answer some questions: The skull was real. The kid was a baddie. His folks were more likely meth cooks than doctors. It didn’t get donated. The school in question was near a rural mountain area where a lot of people lived who wanted to be left alone. The provenance of the skull was, at the most conservative, dubious.

19.) From AntaresBounder:

My father took a cleaver off a student. My dad was doing lunch duty and saw the kid open his jacket and motion his buddies to have a look.

Turns out there was going to be a fight after school.

My dad knew the kid and asked him to step into the hallway. He got the cleaver off the kid and took him to the office. I’m not sure what his punishment was, but Pre-Columbine so who knows...

20.) From GB1290:

A turtle, she had stolen it from the Biology teachers room and had it in the bathroom sink

21.) From icelugger86:

An action figure with a picture of my face taped on the head.

22.) From TechnoNinja27:

A little orange lizard in a box with a charizard Pokémon card taped to it.

edit: to clarify the card was taped to the box

23.) From youlikespiders:

The naked lady booby lighter!!!

Kid was 7th or 8th grade in an alternative school setting. He was always sneaking stuff in his pockets and getting it taken up. We are walking to lunch and my assistant stops suddenly. He comes back with a metal naked woman torso in his hand...you could press one boob and the flame came out of the other. It was FANTASTIC!!! It was super popular in the office for the few days until mom came to pick it up. She was really glad to get “family heirloom” back...

24.) From gohstfcae:

student.

a teacher confiscated a dildo from a student

this was in 7th grade

25.) From irishman178:

I had to confiscate a 7th graders ipad becauae he was looking up anime girl body pillows

26.) From illdecidel8r:

A bottle of passionfruit lube brought in by a 4 year old, making all her friends smell her 'fruity hand cream'. Poor mama must have had a long night and mixed up her eczema cream.

A brick decorated with hentai in the locker of a 14 year old boy... he was very different that kid.

Not a confiscation but when my 4/5 year olds were getting changed for P.E a little girl opened ger bag and out fell a bunch of very sexy lingerie. 10 minutes later at the window I have a very red Mum with the correct kit in hand saying she mixed up the dry cleaning with the daughters p.e kit. I pretended I hadn't seen.

Bonus Edit: When I asked him why he brought it in, he said 'For the skulls of my enemies'.
He didn't have friends but not because he was odd, even the odd kids hated his guts, but because he was horrible and obnoxious to everyone. Worked on his social skills with him for a loooong time and allowed him to run a Manga club in my classroom Friday lunch times (whilst I was in there) he made friends in the end and had a much nicer life since that club. He's a happy 18 year old now with a girlfriend and kid :) Having a kid at 16 was the normal in the deprived area so him having a family, his own place and a job he enjoys is good. He messages me on facebook every now and then to check in and tell me how his life is.. just because that's not happiness to some of you, please do not shit on his.

27.) From thesaltwatersolution:

When I was in school my English teacher confiscated 50 Shades of Grey off another pupil during our silent reading time. We would have been in year 7 or 8 at the time. My classmate, who was the dumbass class clown. tried to kick off about it and asked the teacher why it being taken away and the teacher calmly said: “I’m not* letting you read that, it’s terribly written. It’s as if it’s been written by someone on a train.”

Sadly "Exposure" and "Love" are not accepted currencies at the grocery store. Trust me, I've tried.

The Reddit forum Choosing Beggars is the #1 place for creatives and workers to dish about the people who have the chutzpah to ask them to work for free, or for peanuts.

Photographers get it pretty badly, as everyone with a cell phone and an Instagram assumes that they can do the job.

Redditor Alexispaige1124's friend, a photographer sick of being asked to do their job for free, posted a mock Craigslist ad that puts the ask into perspective.

Here's the text typed up, in case you're looking at this on your phone. You're welcome:

I am a photographer and since people are always looking for free shoots I assume that they must also do their job, or provide their services, for free.

I am looking to hire all types of people to do all sorts of jobs for me, as long as I do not have to pay anything. Just think, you will gain more experience, and I will put the word out for you and let everyone know what wonderful work you do. This opportunity will bring you a ton of unpaid work, but everyone will love you. So if you have a job or service you provide, and will do it for free, please let me know, because I am sure I have work for you and will hire you in a second.

Feel free to email me with the service you can provide, when you start, and please include references.

I look forward to you [sic] free service.

Well if you put it THAT way...maybe we should pay people for their work? If the mysterious photographer asks, we should also pay them for this great piece of satire.

Yeah sure relationships are "all about honesty" blah blah blah. But most people in relationships are keeping a secret or many secrets from their partner—or at least, they think they are. Being intimately involved with someone often means you discover more about the person than they want you to know, whether it's an accident or the result of snooping. And then you have to lead them to believe that you don't know they know, because sometimes love requires a little bit of lying, or a whole web of them.

Here are 21 stories from people who discovered a secret about their partner that the partner doesn't realize they know (unless they frequently browse Reddit, in which case, they know now!).

1.) From LeZygo:

The first time my SO and I slept together I woke up during the night to use the bathroom. I came back in the room and she farted one of the loudest farts I've ever heard. I started laughing like crazy and she almost woke up. Almost. We've been together for seven years.

2.) From heyyou-overthere:

He lied about his last name, age, degree, being in the military and being a sex offender. I only figured out the lie about the degree and broke it off. Then started stalking me and I figured put everything else. I don't know if he figured out that I know everything else. We live in a relatively small town and a girl was about to meet up with him I warned her. He is still lying about his age. You're not 29 Charlie, you're 42 and fuck you!

3.) From RJLestrange:

Ex-girl. She had a fairly large scar on her back and was incredibly self-conscious about it. She wouldn't even take her shirt off the first time we had sex. When I asked her about it, she said she had fallen from her horse when she was young.

Fast forward a little and I'm out finding her a birthday present and have enlisted the help of her friend. I pick out a sexy singlet and her friend just looks out me like I'm stupid. Apparently the scar on her back, which the singlet clearly revealed, wasn't from a fall, but an abusive ex-boyfriend who had pushed her onto his motorbikes exhaust pipe and burnt her.

We ended on good terms, and I never told her I knew. I hope she is doing well.

4.) From DrJeXX:

Her Caesar salad dressing. It's actually the best thing ever but even after two years she refuses to tell me what's in it. What she doesn't know is that I have secretly been watching her make it over the past few months. I have finally pieced it together and now I have the power!!

Edit: Everyone wants the secret recipe. But she has reddit, and I prefer life.

5.) From Saxophonebird:

He claims he doesn't love the new cat his parents adopted. Claims she always just sleeps in his room for some reason.

Motherfucker loves that cat so much.

6.) From xthorgoldx:

My ex, and the cheating. She thinks I found out when I looked at her phone, but I new about two months earlier when she sent me a pic of herself watching Netflix in bed. I don't think she realized that the dude's face was 100% visible reflected in the laptop. After that it was a matter of me being in denial and trying to fix things.

7.) From fin_winter:

When we were in the hospital for some weird pain that I had, uninsured, and the doctors thought it might be cancer, I lost it a bit. She was so brave for me.

But her mother called, she went into the bathroom to talk but she didn't know that the sound echoed pretty loudly into the room. I heard her break down, sobbing, telling her mom she didn't know how we were going to pay for treatment and that it looked really bad. I'll never tell her I heard her, but god it was heartbreaking.

When she came out you wouldn't even know she was even upset, she hid it so well. She sat right down and told me everything was going to be fine with such determination and such certainty. Literally took out her computer then and there and started making a fucking spreadsheet of our finances to fit in cancer. I knew how much she loved me in that moment and how important it was for her that she was brave for me. I don't know why but I got so calm after that, I haven't broken down like that since, even with worse news. I guess she makes me strong... god, I fucking love her.

8.) From becash123:

Everybody likes snacks, right? Some of us like chips, others like fruit, or yogurt. Well, my wife likes croutons. Frozen croutons to be exact and she tries to hide it like an alcoholic hides bottles of vodka. Where does she hide the croutons? In the freezer. At first I'd put them in the pantry when we get home from the grocery store, but they'd always end up in the freezer. I'd be like, "Uh, hon, what's up with the croutons in the freezer?" and she'd act like she had no idea what I was talking about. Now here's the thing, I've tried them and now I'm addicted to them too. So now I openly eat cold croutons out of the freezer as a snack, and she tells me what a weirdo I am while she eats half the bag with me. No idea why she's embarassed to admit what a genius she is for discovering such an awesome snack. BTW, the best kind is Chatham Village garlic and cheese flavor.

9.) From Jchriddy:

A girl I dated a few years back had just graduated with her bachelors so I took her out for a night on the town. Her and our friends got absolutely demolished and since this was before Uber, I volunteered to be DD. So around 2am she's tanked, we head out and she wants krystal burgers. Very adamant about that, so I stop by Krystals and order a steamer pack so I can have some too and then have leftovers. She eats somewhere around 8, I get her home, get her into her bed and she immediately passes out. I am sitting next to her watching some TV when I smell something. I notice that she has just shit herself. She is one of those people who would be so ashamed of herself if anyone found out so I just... left. I called her the next day and told her I dropped her off, got her some water and headed home. Never mentioned her shitting herself or anything so to this day she thinks she did it in her sleep after I left. I could have stayed and helped her clean it up and I probably should have, but she would have cried over that and avoided me sporadically for weeks.

10.) From AwkwardRawrz:

I knew for a year and a half about my engagement ring and never told him until after he proposed. He was not so good at hiding.

11.) From IClogToilets:

My wife dropped my iPhone in a Port-A-Potty toilet. Luckily it has been so used there was a large pile of shit which gently held the phone above the liquid. She cleaned it off and gave it back to me. A year later I upgraded and gave her my old phone.

She insisted on purchasing a new cover even though I had a high-end OtterBox. I never understood why until one of the kids told on her.

12.) From [deleted]:

My ex made up a person and spoke to me as them. We met when we were quite young and were both pretty weird... I put it down to insecurity and wanting to look like she had cool friends (I was a little older). I never let on that I knew because it would have been super embarrassing for her and this was literally the start of the relationship.

She made up quite a few stories about this guy and I got a few emails from "him". She didn't realise that changing the name of the account didn't actually change the address, which was fully visible.

13.) A tearjerker, from punkwalrus:

Even though we had been married for 25 years, my wife and I always invented stupid private jokes between each other. I was lamenting the fact that we had fostered a Siamese cat from an adoption group, that eventually got adopted, and I really missed her. At one point, we were looking through the website of the local pound, and a Siamese came up named "Montague."

The photo that they took of Montague was epic. A classic Applehead Siamese, he was neutered, about five years old, and had horribly crossed eyes. Whoever took the photograph of him made him look both proud, distinguished, and adorably insane. Like some crazy dude that comes into the bar as a regular, claims he's the emperor of the United States of America, and everybody buys him a round because even though he is clearly crazy, he is also very charming. We started making up all the stories about Montague in a spoof of "The world's most interesting man." Week after week, we checked to see if he had been adopted, but nobody wanted a crazy looking cross eyed Siamese cat. Everyone at the pound said he was affectionate, and had been there for quite some time.

Sadly, this would be our last private joke together. My wife, who had a terminal illness, suddenly gotten much worse and passed away rather rapidly. We thought we had more time together, but she had sarcoidosis, and her lungs had already been weakened by repeated pneumonia, when she got the flu. Because she was on immunosuppressants for her condition, this is what did her in, she went into a coma, and died a week later.

My sister helped me with the funeral and taking care of a lot of things, including contacting everyone in her phone contacts on her cell phone. She asked me about why the Alexandria pound would be trying to contact my late wife via voicemail. Apparently, my wife had applied to adopt Montague as a surprise gift. She paid the adoption fee and had scheduled a visit to adopt him. But she died before the appointment date.

Sadly, my wife put it in her name only, and the people at the pound were pretty rude about it. Like to adopt Montague I'd have to pay ANOTHER adoption fee, and they were made that she didn't show up, and at the time it was chaos I couldn't deal with. My sister gave them an earful and they told her to go to hell.

That ended that.

I hope Montague eventually found a loving family.

14.) From [deleted]:

I'm his first girlfriend. He's 42.

ETA: this isn't "the worst" bc it's something to be ashamed of, it's just something he doesn't know I know. I wish he'd been up front about it in the beginning, but it doesn't change how much I adore him in the least.

Edited AGAIN, because I had to tell him why I was on Reddit so much tonight. Now he knows I know, thanks a lot y'all!

• He got a good laugh at this whole thing, I knew he was a keeper!

15.) From Ineeda_lie_in:

His affair. I knew for 3 weeks before he left (to look after his allegedly sick dad) and for 2 weeks after before I told him I knew. He said last week he's ended it and sees what he has missed but I know he's still sleeping and living with her whilst messaging me. Basically what he just did to me - I'm his wife, we were together 12 years. He just can't stop lying. He may be genuinely remorseful right now but I can't get past his deceit.

Update. - sorry if my comment was confusing and thank you for all the replies. I found out in December, he was cruel and miserable throughout and nearly ruined Xmas for the kids. I suggested he go visit his 'sick dad' at NY and slammed that door right behind him. Took time off work (I was main earner then) and rearranged my life to take care of the kids and get a job with flexible hours. I'm happier. Kids are doing well. He's the one struggling now.

16.) From spicehamster:

My ex peed the bed. He didn't know that I knew.

Edit: he had told me about it at one point after I had suspected it for a while, but subsequently he forgot ever telling me. Blamed it all on the cat.

Also, this was back in high school, so I don't know much about the condition

17.) From [deleted]:

She waits until I sleep to steal my pillows

18.) From wetowetobetobe:

He hides chocolate bars in his work bag. Bastard.

19.) From Yarash2110:

She is breaking up with me tomorow, said she wants to talk, and it's not something we can talk about in texts. We are on the verge of a breakup for like two months now, feels bad.

20.) From arentyouangel:

My (soon to be) ex-wife met another guy about a year and a half ago. She was so bad at hiding it that I thought she WANTED to get caught. Posting romantic stuff on her Instagram when we hadn't been romantic in a long time. Confronted her, lied even with solid evidence. A few months later stuff starts disappearing from the house, pretty obvious that she's moving out. Then we started to have no money every month(and I have a pretty okay job), realized she was stealing money basically by paying her bills twice a month with 3-4x the minimum payment and not paying mine. Let it go on for a bit and finally confronted her, she doesn't admit to it. I finally just pull my check from our joint account and she says she's leaving but is going to be homeless. The next day she had changed her facebook back to her maiden name and had a picture of her and the other guy at their new place. I don't know if this counts.

21.) From koru999:

Was a prostitute & was in some adult films, & worked as an exotic dancer when young & hungry (Retired. Bought a food truck. I loved the coffee & grilled cheese sandwiches. Fell in love). Doesn't think I know. Doesn't know I don't care. I'll never tell.

Update: P.S. How did I find out? Years ago a now-deceased friend of my SO, someone who'd been in The Life too, told me, showed me proof.

The person I fell in love with was/is the sum total of their life preceededing.

Middle class morality is not a luxury everyone can afford. It's not a value system everyone embraces regardless.

It's okay by me if people (in part or entirely) choose to reinvent themselves as they see fit.

22.) From birdsinparadise12:

This is in the past, but still a good one.

Ended up finding out that my (now ex) girlfriend was cheating on me after hearing one of my parrots pick up, "Oh, God, yes, Jim!" In a rather scratchy sensual voice.

Turns out they've been having sex where I keep him while I went to work. Dumped her ass the next time I saw her and told her.

"Cell phones are so convenient that they're an inconvenience."

-Haruki Murakami

Sure, cell phones help us do important things like Google song lyrics and avoid our family, but did you know they also make calls? Amazing. Despite all of their intelligence, they still seem to cause problems with their low batteries and easily cracked screens. Whether you use an Apple or an Android, these hilarious memes prove the cell phone struggle is real.

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"Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time."

-Marthe Troly-Curtin

Looking at memes is not wasting time, no matter what the haters may say. Taking time to laugh is a form of self-care. So do yourself a favor and get your giggle on with this hilariously random collection of memes.

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According to CBS News Atlanta, a customer ordered a McDonald's Happy Meal at the driver through. When she found out the order was wrong she went inside to complain. The report says "she waited 25 minutes." It's unclear if that means she was forced to wait 25 minutes, or if she waited 25 minutes to complain, but either way, she got frustrated and threw here Happy Meal at the manager.

Having a Happy Meal thrown at you turns out to make one very unhappy, and in this case resulted in an escalation. In response to a burger and fries to the face, the McDonald's employee threw a blender at the woman. You can see it all in the video below.

A few other questions remain. How did this footage get out? Would it have been OK if the McDonald's employee threw a burger back instead of a blender? Although this is a terrible situation, is the "McCheck" joke funny, and either way, how much is she going to get?

Fair warning: the below content isn't for the squeamish and/or currently eating. It concerns bodily emissions, specifically human feces.

Apparently in The Year Of Our Lorde 2019, there are still grown men roving the earth with shitty asses. They're not cleaning themselves adequately post-poo and unfortunate souls find the evidence on clothes, sheets, and furniture. I know - it's gag-worthy. I wish I were kidding, but I am 100% not. This hygiene failure is gross, unsanitary, and something dudes still struggle with. I never thought I'd be grateful that my exes wiped their asses properly, but here I am, being impressed that heterosexual men were capable of the bare (butt) minimum.

A poor woman turned to Reddit and asked how to 'gently explain' to her boyfriend that his anal hygiene needs work after finding 'fresh' (kill me) skid marks on her sheets. Arguably the bigger problem is that she's dating a man whose ability to care for himself is on par with a toddler's, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

The original question's been deleted from Reddit, but relationships.txt cached it:

This won't surprise you, but people were disgusted. They dispensed advice re: both her predicament and willingness to date this guy. Would you stay with someone whose ass went un-wiped? C'mon!

Honestly, the best bet with something like this is to be unembarrassed, factual, and matter-of-fact. The more "gently" you approach it like it's embarrassing, etc., the more he will feel that it's something to be embarrassed over (which, to be fair, it is, but that's not your goal).

"Hon, you're not wiping well enough in the bathroom and it's left stains on my sheets. I left baby wipes in there for you, let me know if you need something different."

Then move on and change the subject. Be cool, calm, matter-of-fact.

-NapsAreMyFavorite

So, I'm sorry if I'm off here, but I'm a nurse and I always think of medical issues first.

I wonder how this happens, when you say it's still wet, what means its fresh. He can't be popping every time just before he gets into bed with you and then gets up in the next half hour or so and leaves? Because longer it would be dried already, wouldn't it?

So either he has constantly really loose stool, like leaking diarrhea OR he has a sphincter problem. What means there's an issue with the muscles of his anus.

Both is absolutely not normal for a 29yr old. So unless there is a different explanation, I strongly suggest he sees a doctor. A proctologist for the sphincter issue or a gastroenterologist if it's because of diarrhea. A GP could also do to begin with.

I would suggest a quiet talk in private. Tell him you are worried there is an issue, because you noticed stains on your sheets and ask him if he has it checked out already or if that's something he should do.

It's also possible he has some chronic issues like IBD (inflammatory bowel disease) he is aware of but tries to hide it from you, because he's embarrassed.

Again, I could be overthinking this and it's just a hygiene thing. I hope it turns out well for both of you!

-JustMeLurkingAround

He should know how to wipe his ass at 29. No gentle. He needs tough love.

-OneFartAway

How can certain people be able to find jobs and partners but not able to wipe their ass properly is beyond me.

-Adrian915

I'd use humour, and maybe give him an "out", like "Dude, have you eaten something dodgy or something? You have left a poo signature on my sheets! Thought I had better let you know so you can get it sorted." Kiss kiss, yours etc.

If it ever happens again, it will be easier to address it immediately. Although frankly if it does happen again he's a lost cause.

-Theocat77

This week's been...off-kilter, right? We're still in the midst of a presidential impeachment inquiry. Rudy Giuliani's butt joined the resistance. Kelly Bachman, Amber Rollo and Zoe Stuckless confronted the dangerous elephant in the room. Martha Stewart reminded everyone she went to prison just to shade Felicity Huffman. I'm considering volunteering and growing as a person. Everything's a bit topsy-turvy, is what I'm saying. I've curated a list of hilarious tweets from women to inject some stability into your weekend. While you're busy laughing at these posts, hopefully equilibrium will be reached. Enjoy!

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"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all."

-Rodney Dangerfield

These memes might be a little naughty, but we won't judge you for laughing. Sometimes it feels good to be bad.

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Moon landings, social experiments, and lizard people - oh my! This week, one inquisitive Redditor asked the Internet, 'What conspiracy theory are you sold on?' and people couldn't answer quickly enough. Responses ranged from the mundane (hot dog buns, mattresses) to the extraordinary (global sex trafficking rings, astronauts lost in space). If that piqued your curiosity, then grab a tin foil hat and keep reading.

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Remember when they had kids fingerprinted and photographed "in case they were kidnapped"? That was an easy way for the government to start a data base ot citizens while being publicly accepted.

-mufassil

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Michael Jordan's first "retirement" was an unofficial suspension for betting on basketball.

-AmeglianMinorCow

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I think Trader Joe's makes their parking lots small just so they can look busier.

-mrd0273

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That the whole New Coke fiasco was planned by Coke to fail. Coke was losing market share to Pepsi in the 80s and the cost of sugar cane was getting high so Coke decided to take the short term hit of introducing New Coke to replace the original coke and have it fail. People would beg to have "classic" coke back and the company would oblige and see a huge spike in sales. This also helped them get over the ongoing PR issue all soda companies were having with the recent switch to High Fructose Corn Syrup. People were so happy to have old Coke back it helped ensure their market dominance . The whole thing was a take a short term loss for long term gain approach and it worked.

-Lofibeats1988

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Yuri Gagarin was not the first man in space, merely the first man to go and make it back alive.

-TheManWithNoSchtick

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The reason conspiracy theorists sometimes find legitimate documentation of government research into supernatural/paranormal claims, especially documentation which seems to suggest some actual success, is because the US Government deliberately produced false reports of successes to fool Russian spies.

Both the US and Soviet government were known to organize research projects into supernatural claims in hopes of it leading to some new kind of strategy or weapon. Pretty much all the research proved fruitless and sometimes even fraudulent on the part of the civilian research staff. For instance, there is legitimate documentation that the CIA was funding research into psychics who were capable of remote viewing, which is the ability to see things within being there. Very useful for spying. According to the reports the research was even somewhat successful.

However, the truth is that whenever a paranormal research project seemed to be failing without any hope of success the CIA would step in and defund it and shut it down, but make the research staff produce reports of success without exact explanations for how they achieved it. Then make sure those files were stored somewhere a spy might stumble upon them.

They knew the Soviets would see some mention of success in an area they had failed at themselves, or hadn't even considered, and would waste tons of valuable resources trying to recreate the success they believed the US had achieved. While the US Government could afford to waste money, the Soviets could not.

However, so many false reports were created to misinform the Soviets and weed out Russian spies that they didn't even know where they had stashed them all. Flash forward to today and every so often a conspiracy theorist stumbles upon one of these old reports, or speaks to someone who has.

-KicksButtson

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Mattress companies are mostly money launderers

-_n8n8_

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Disney named the movie "Frozen" so when you Google "Walt Disney" and "Frozen" you don't get results about the old man's head.

-DinosaursOvrEverything

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That king Arthur’s legend was a technological discovery

The “sword from the stone” was the discovery of natural iron, instead of the shit bog iron previously used for weapons

The “lady of the lake” was the discovery of Quenching, which makes metal stronger

So by the lady of the lake helping them pull the sword from the stone (smelt iron weapons, and quench them), they allowed Arthur and his army (vis superior weapons) to conquer England and become “king”.

TLDR: my swords are better. I’m king now”

-bobnojio

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The fact that hotdogs come in packs of ten but buns come in packs of eight. First, you have to buy more hotdogs. Then, more buns. It's a never ending cycle perpetuated by the hotdog/bun industry.

-wendster68

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Most conspiracy theories are planted by the government to cover the real conspiracies.

-jvcscasio

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Some of the most powerful people in the world being part of a child sex trafficking ring.

-Frze512

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The Susan G Komen foundation CEO is the last person who wants a cure for cancer, lest the money and influence they gain is rendered obsolete. That's why they put far more money and effort into BS awareness campaigns, pimp out pink ribbons on anything no matter how toxic, and even sue other charities for using the phrase "for the cure," leaving less money for research and treatment.

-Deadcrowes

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Lack of pockets in women's pants and the purse making industry.

-noguarde

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Epstein

-BestCosmo

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Planned obsolescence is real. Products are designed so that they break soon after the warranty expires, forcing you to buy another one.

-clarque_

Y'all know Adele. Singer, songwriter, pop culture icon. She writes/performs the songs that you belt while crying in your car. That's what people do, right?

She's making headlines this week for debuting a svelter figure at Drake's thirty-third birthday party, which took place in Hollywood on Wednesday.

The British songstress acknowledged her weight loss, saying 'I used to cry but now I sweat.' It looks good on you, babe. Her ~~lewk~~ was based on Ginger McKenna, the character Sharon Stone played in 'Casino.' To model yourself after a cinematic sex symbol? I see you, Adele from Tottenham!

A fan uploaded footage of her turning heads at the event, thank God:

People were low-key stunned and heaped the Grammy winner with praise.

We stan Adele, a superstar talent who looks incredible no matter what. It's heartening to see her out and enjoying life after splitting from husband Simon Konecki earlier this year. She's rumored to be dating British rapper Skepta, though they haven't publicly confirmed their involvement.

Some reaction videos are so good, you have to watch them over and over again.

Such is the case with this clip of Donald Trump being booed and heckled at a World Series baseball game in Washington, DC, this weekend.

He appeared at the game with a cabal of lawmakers including Lindsey Graham. When the crowd realized Trump was there, they couldn't contain themselves:

And a video on Reddit shows the moment he heard the boos and his lipless smile became a lipless grimace.

Schadenfreude is always fun, and some people can't hide their glee at the reaction Trump received.

Some people are expressing surprise that Trump seemed to show an appropriately chastened reaction to being disliked.

But Reddit user _TREA45ON_ speculates that there's nothing to pity herehttps://www.reddit.com/r/BetterEveryLoop/comments/do6b4r/donald_slowly_realising_a_whole_stadium_is_booing/f5k7gs8/, saying, "His pain will be quickly converted into destructive anger. He is a broken human who never belonged anywhere."

Writer Mark Harris pointed out that Trump was most likely riding high before this moment, as he'd just announced the assassination of Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. (And, some say, embellished the drama and his own role in it.)

Another points out the obvious difference between the crowd's reaction to the troops and to Trump.

Yet another pointed out that Trump literally can't not look evil.

And as Kyle Gilman points out, as with all DC "trends," it looks like New Yorkers did it first.

If you were a cheerleader in the 2000s and felt spontaneously called to hit a high-V this weekend, this may be why.

Gabrielle Union suited up in her Clovers cheer uniform in honor of Halloween, and she dressed her baby daughter Kaavia James in a matching green baby version, too. The matching ensembles and Union's utter lack of aging in the last 19 years have prompted many to proclaim that she and Kaavia won Halloween.

Union played head cheerleader Isis of the East Compton Clovers in "Bring It On," way back in 2000. She infused the role with a quiet dignity and tenacity not often seen in high school movies, least of all in cheerleading characters, who have normally been portrayed as boy-crazed ditzes in Hollywood.

She was already 28 years old and capable of playing a high-schoolers back in 2000. And today, she's 46 and... *checks notes* yup, still capable of passing for a high schooler. People are freaking out about how young she looks:

Some speculated that there could be supernatural hijinks afoot, referencing another classic film, "Death Becomes Her":

And of course, everyone's also gushing over Kaavia:

Also, a quick note on Kaavia's outfit: it says "Runza" on it, and after some sleuthing in the comments we determined that Runza is a restaurant chain in Nebraska? No offense to Runza or the people of Nebraska, but... who knew?!?! Either way, Runza appreciated the free PR:

Union also posted a video of herself and Kaavia along with the iconic "It's Cold in Here" cheer audio.

Yeah, they brought it.

Celebrities are better than us at a lot of things, but Halloween is definitely one of them.

With access to the best costume designers and makeup artists in the business, celebrities don't mess around when it comes to all-things spooky season. With elegant Halloween parties and over-the-top couples costumes and family costumes, Halloween is basically a second Met Gala.

Even though Halloween is still a few days away, these celebrities have already nailed the "Halloweekend" events. Most of these are party photos from a Casamigos Event and Paris Hilton's glam Halloween bash, but there were plenty of other opportunities to dress up.

1. Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake absolutely nailed it.

2. Cardi B with sexy nurse vibes.

3. Laverne Cox with superpowers.

4. Paris Hilton went sexy vintage.

5. Kylie Jenner of course dressed Stormi up.

6. Demi Lovato round 1:

AND 2:

7. Kate Beckinsale.

8. Kelly Osbourne crushed the makeup.

9. Gabrielle Union got nostalgic.

10. Nicki Minaj and her husband.

11. Ashley Graham as Jessica Rabbit.

12. Elizabeth Hurley.

13. Jameela Jamil.

14. Carmen Electra put all our cats to shame.

15. James Charles channeled Harry potter.

As Halloween fast approaches people everywhere are putting on their softest scarves, pouring themselves a steaming hot cup of cider, and carving themselves up some jack-o'-lanterns.

While pumpkin carving is a relatively low stakes activity for many of us - a fun tradition that marks the seasonal shift and ushers in a week full of elaborate costumes, there's always one person who becomes Michelangelo when confronted with a pumpkin and a carving knife.

As the elaborate pumpkin carvers of the world have taken to Twitter to share their creations, I have found myself inspired by their skill levels and terrified by how good they are with knives.

Since there are plenty of top tier jack-o'-lanterns to be found this year, I have gathered 25 of them for your consideration.

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Sure, watching the sun rise sounds good in theory. But waking up that early is not for everyone—in fact, it's for almost no one. There are, of course, exceptions. A bride on Reddit said she and her fiance like to wake up early and watch the sunrise together every year on their anniversary, because watching a new day begin is "deeply meaningful" for them. But it turns out waking up that early is not "deeply meaningful" for their friends and family. Instead, it's deeply annoying.

When she and her husband-to-be decided to hold their wedding on the beach at the stunningly early hour of 5:30 am, her invitees were less than pleased.

In a post to Reddit's "Am I The A**hole?" forum, the bride explains:

Every year on our anniversary, my fiance and I wake up early to go to the beach and watch the sunrise together. It's a very special tradition, as we have both overcome a number of personal challenges during our time together, and the symbolism of watching a new day begin is deeply meaningful for us.

Their plan is to have the ceremony on the beach at sunrise, followed by breakfast at a beachfront restaurant. She says the beach would take under an hour for most of the guests to get to, except for extended family flying in from out-of-town.

We decided we wanted to incorporate this into our wedding. Our plan is to have our ceremony on the beach the and have everyone walk over to a beachfront restaurant for breakfast, bloody Marys and mimosas (we've already talked to the restaurant owner about this, who loves the idea and said he'd be happy to open early for us). After that, everyone is free for the remainder of the day. Our friends and family are mostly local and should all be able to travel to the beach in under an hour, except for some extended family flying in from Canada, but that's unavoidable.

Their choice of a 5:30 am start time is based on the fact that there will be "plenty of light" at that time, but no visible sun yet.

Based on our geographic location and the date of the wedding next summer, we've scheduled the ceremony start time for 5:30 a.m., when there should be plenty of light but the sun itself won't be quite visible yet.

The bride says she and her fiance have gotten "a LOT of backlash" from their families, who are arguing that 5:30 am is "way too early" and urging them to start the ceremony at a "normal" time of day.

We've been getting a LOT of backlash from our families about this, who say this is way too early and we need to move the ceremony to a more "normal" time of day. But my fiance and I don't feel like we're asking for anything that unreasonable. AITA?

But the bride and her fiance don't think they're asking for "anything that unreasonable." So she turned to Reddit commenters to weigh in, asking "AITA" (Am I The A**hole)?

Without explicitly calling her an a**hole (it is her wedding after-all), many commenters pointed out a solution of having a separate ceremony for guests at a more reasonable hour.

Bleu_Rue writes:

A good solution is to have a private ceremony with you and your fiancé at 5:30, and then have a second ceremony at a more reasonable time for the guests. The first one can be just the two of you reciting your vows to each other, or the two of you with a willing officiant and a handful of close friends/relatives who are willing to join. If having two ceremonies is too costly and unreasonable, then just do the first option with the two of you only, speaking private vows.

And nononoohgodno agrees, pointing out there's no reason to "drag" guests out of bed at such an early hour:

This is really the best option. OP gets a sweet romantic meaningful sunrise vow exchange (maybe some nice photos of just the two of them?) and then a more reasonably timed ceremony/celebration with family and friends that’s easier to attend.

Isn’t part of what’s magical about the sunrise supposed to be how peaceful and private and quiet it is? Don’t drag a bunch of people into your happy sunrise who aren’t 100% thrilled to be there. Keep that for you and your spouse, just the two of you.

Other commenters are saying they wouldn't attend a 5:30 am wedding, like SaintGodfather:

I wouldn't attend this wedding, that's a crazy time, however it's your wedding, so do you. Just be aware there may be low attendance...

There are a handful of commenters passionately defending the bride and groom's desire to have the ceremony wherever and whenever they want, but most seem to agree that it's disrespectful to make people get up that early. Especially given how long it takes most people to get ready for a wedding.

AmITAAccount writes:

It’s their wedding, but that doesn’t mean that they can do whatever they want without giving any thought to the guests that you asked to celebrate with you.

OP is asking that people wake up at 3 AM (or earlier) so that they can leave at 4:15 to arrive at 5:15. That’s a big ask. And sure, most of the guests can just choose not to go. But a lot of people are going to be put in an awkward position because arriving anywhere before 5:30 is a big commitment but they can’t back out without being judged. Especially if OP has any bridesmaids, since they’ll likely need to spend hours getting ready beforehand.

And ThatisRusicst said she thinks the bride is being an a**hole, "100%":

I mean do what you want, but if I was a guest I would think YTA 100%

Are you going to throw a fit if one of your bridesmaids is late, or family isn't on time and you miss the sunrise / ceremony? Shit happens and I can almost guarantee something stupid is going to happen and someone or something will be late.

I mean honestly if you want to have 5 people and do this then I would kinda understand, but a large group of people? Yes you are an asshole.

Either cut the guest list, have it at a normal hour, or just do photos before the actual ceremony (during sunrise) and have the ceremony at 10am

LeatherHog agrees, writing:

This is just such a selfish plan on OP's part

In conclusion: yes, she is she an a**hole. Also: a monster, a tyrant, and Satan personified. No one should be forced out of bed before 6 am unless their job requires it. And even that should be illegal. Case closed.

The first meme Halloween costumes of 2019 are in!

And they are, dare I say...pretty great.

Finding a clever Halloween costume that doesn't force everyone around you to ask..."what exactly are you?" is always a challenge, but these people absolutely nailed it. Meme costumes are topical, witty and can only work once. Make it count!

If you are still unsure of what to be this year, here's some internet inspiration from house party costume contest champions everywhere:

1. How could we forget the iconic lollipop moment?

2. And I--

3. Lakynn...

4. Teamwork.

5. Yes.

6. Oh my god.

7. This one was popular.

8. Spongebob forever.

9. CORN POP.

10. The confused math meme.

Plus, let's hope someone brings this one back this year:

Halloween is this Thursday, which means all weekend people have been busting out costumes in early celebration, and the parade of disguises only continues to heat up as we get closer to the holiday itself.

The Kardashian-Jenner crew has always been on the front lines of Halloween festivities. It's business as usual for each of the famous sisters to have a minimum of 2-3 costume changes during Halloweekend, so it's only natural their kids are equally decked out.

To kick off the celebration, Kylie Jenner posted a picture of her daughter Stormi in costume.

The scariest part, of course, is that Stormi is dressed as Kylie at the Met Gala.

If Stormi's facial expressions serve to indicate anything, dressing as her mom was not her ideal Halloween costume.

There are a lot of responses to Stormi's obvious discomfort and the narcissism of Kylie dressing her daughter up as herself.

This whole scenario feels like the plot for a Get Out sequel.

People are also drawing cinematic parallels between Stormi as Kylie and other costume possibilities.

Stormi's "over it" face, the oversized wig, and the sheer absurdity of the costume provides an ideal meme template for people ready to roast Kylie, or project their own emotions.

Hopefully Stormi is able to dress up as something else before this Halloween is over. In the very least, when she's grown up she's going to have plenty of photo documentation from this year to look back on.