"A good marriage is a contest of generosity."
-Diane Sawyer
Wedding planning is rough, so be generous with your spouse-to-be and share these hilarious wedding memes. The struggle is real, so you might as well laugh about it.
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We've all had teachers—many of them good, some of them were bad, but it's the bad ones that people like to talk about on Twitter.
Another thread popped up to give people the opportunity to pop off about the worst humans who were supposed to educate them.
Here are the stories that are fun to read, and not just stories of creeps and criminals.
long story short, I pooped my pants in second grade and my teacher called her friend, I guess, up on the phone to tell them one of her second grades pooped her pants. She wouldn’t let me go to the restroom and I didn’t know how to tell her it was an emergency pic.twitter.com/wiq4MKiQPV
— Ayanna🏴☠️🏳️🌈🏴☠️ (@lesbianenderman) January 10, 2020
I absolutely love living alone. But it can be creepy—especially at night. Are unexplainable weird noises worth not ever again having to ask a roommate to wash their casserole dish? Absolutely.
That being said....
1.) From tjeepdrv:
One night I was waiting for something to finish in the oven, so I started washing dishes. Once my food was cooked, I sat in front of the tv to eat dinner. I live about 15 miles out of town and don't have any close neighbors. I could hear what sounded like a truck idling. Because I'm in the middle of nowhere, sound travels. Sometimes something that's a mile away sounds like it's pretty close, so I didn't pay much attention.
It idled for 5-10 minutes, then sounded like it was slowly driving away, then briefly stopping, then slowing driving off again. I've got a long driveway, about a third of a mile, so it sounded like someone drove down my driveway, then turned back onto the road and drove off.
Whatever. Anyways, after dinner, I went back to finish the dishes and had no water. The only thing I could think of was that maybe the breaker had tripped for the well. On the pole outside, there's a breaker box that only has a couple of switches and a main switch. The smaller switches control the well pump and an outlet. The main line to the house isn't on that switch, it goes to the breaker box inside the house.
I get to the breaker box outside and the door is open and the main breaker is off. So the noise that I heard was someone shutting off the breaker and waiting outside. I guess they thought it would shut off power to the house and I'd come outside to investigate. I locked my gate for the night and then again when I left for work that next morning. It rained most of the day, and when I got home, I could see where someone had pulled up to the gate, found it locked, then did a 3-point turn around in my drive. I locked my gate at night for a long time after that, but I always lock it when I'm away and keep a shotgun and a .357 handy now.
2.) From aarontbarratt:
I was looking after my mother's house for a week while she was on holiday. She had two cats that come in and out the house via a cat flap, very nice animals. Always cuddly and playful even when they were old.
So I get woken up in the middle of the night by loud meows from downstairs. I thought maybe the cat flap was stuck and they wanted to get out. I go downstairs to check and open the hallway door and there are at least 15 black cats sitting in the hallway staring back at me.
Then I see my mother's cats sat amongst them just chilling and meowing happily. I left them all too it and they were gone in the morning.
3.) From kattikat15:
Over this past summer, I was living alone in my apartment in a (relatively safe) college town. I was always paranoid and locked the door anytime I got home from somewhere, especially since I’m a female living somewhere alone. One morning I woke up to go to the bathroom, and as I’m in there, I hear the front door creak open. Obviously scared, I carefully leave the bathroom and look around the corner to see the front door open about 6 inches. I slowly check the apartment for intruders only to find nothing. Somehow the door was unlocked while I was sleeping and opened by what I choose to call the wind. Needless to say, for the rest of the time I was alone in the apartment I had my knife close by.
4.) From HighDingyDoo:
Last year I was renting a house in a small, economically depressed old mining town in Appalachia. I lived alone.
On one of the first warm nights of spring, I awoke at around 4 AM to the sound of my doorknob turning. I figured someone must have the wrong address... but it kept turning, persistently.
I didn't have a peephole or window to see who was outside, so I just approached the door from inside and yelled "Wrong place, buddy!"
Then the door started shaking violently, and a hand began punching it.
I tried one last time: "Wrong place! Go away, man!"
Someone on the other side growled at me and started making horrifying noises like a wild animal.
I grabbed a kitchen knife and called the police, then waited inside.
About ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door. I opened it cautiously to see an officer who questioned me about the incident. Then he asked me to close it again and remain inside.
Again, I couldn't see what was happening out there, so I just turned out the lights and waited quietly with the knife in my hand. For about 20 minutes, there was just silence.
Then, out of nowhere, my living room window screen started to get pushed inside and the curtain started to move. The guy was pushing out the screen and trying to climb inside.
I held up the knife and yelled "I'm gonna kill you!" in my most threatening voice possible.
Thankfully, I immediately heard "Get on the ground! Show me those hands!"
Heard another horrible wail from outside as the guy was presumably tackled and taken to a police car.
A few minutes later, another knock at the door. The officer was back to tell me that the suspect had been captured. This guy was a uniformed cop, but he was visibly trembling and super pale. I still hadn't seen what the intruder looked like.
The next day, I ran into the officer while he was off duty (small town) and he told me that the suspect had told them his name was Jason Voorhees.
Probably a meth addict or some other type of drug user. Those habits don't go well with delusions involving slasher film characters.
5.) From TheDevilsAdvokaat:
This happened in the 70's in Australia. I was about 14. Mum and dad and the other kids had gone somewhere and I was alone in the house, out in the suburbs surrounded by bushland, at night.
I was reading books in my bedroom when I noticed a bit of noise. I could only just barely hear it but there was definitely a noise. Sounded like it was coming from inside the house. But the TV was off and we didn't have a radio.
Suddenly everything was scary. A moment ago I was having a good time, now everything felt wrong. I put my book down and crept as silently as I could out into the hallway (Lucky my door was open because the bloody thing creaked.)
Once out in the hallway the noise became clearer - I still couldn't quite figure out what it was but it was definitely not my imagination. Sounded like it was coming from the the kitchen, and the only way there was through the living room.
So I took a breath and crept round the corner of the hallway and into the living room. I'm on the balls of my feet and trying to avoid making any noise. Now I'm here I can see the living room is empty - but the noise is louder still. It's definitely coming from the kitchen, and even worse, I can now tell what the noise is. It's two voices, and they are having a whispered argument.
Now I am seriously scared. The only explanation I can think of is robbers. I spend about 5 minutes just standing stock still in the living room before deciding to try and peek around the corner into the kitchen.
So as quietly as I can I creep towards the corner. I'm moving very slowly. I've even got my mouth open in case my breath gives me away.
I reach the corner and juuussst stick one eye around - and the kitchen is empty. But I can still hear the voices. And they're louder than ever. I can almost make out what they are arguing about now.
Again I stand there. This time I am telling myself I don't believe in ghosts. And I didn't. And yet how the fuck can two invisible men be having an argument in the kitchen?
In the end I start to move again - because I know if I don't do this I won't be sleeping tonight.
I creep into the kitchen - and realise the voices are coming from the stove. Now this was in the 70's before stoves had those solid tops you have nowadays - instead they had a steel coil.
I bend down and put my ear close and discover the voices are coming from where the metal coil joins some electrical plug before going back inside the stove.
The voices are indeed two people arguing; they're on some kind of radio talk show.
When my parents came home I showed the other kids how if you put your ear down real close to the stove top you could hear radio.
I'm 55 now and this is still the most frightened I've been in my life.
6.) From jpterodactyl:
I used to rent a room in a basement apartment. My friend's family lived in the real house upstairs, which is how I ended up there. They have a lot of family parties(They're first generation Filipino, family parties are a frequent thing).
One day I was dong some homework in my room, the other two tenants weren't home, so I had "apartment B" to myself. But they were being so loud upstairs, I was having trouble focusing. So much chatter and feet moving around. Sounded like dancing was going on.
I texted my friend: "you guys sound like you're really having a good time up there. I'm not really getting anything done, can I come up?"
He texts back: "No one is home, we went to Wisconsin for the weekend"
I went outside, saw that no one's car was there, and no lights were on in the house. And then I just went for a walk until someone else got home.
Edit: Since this got really big, I want to add two things. First, I'm moving back there this year. And second, they found human bones there this summer. here's the story.
Sleep tight folks.
7.) From Ilmara:
I came home from work and found that the seashells I have on a shelf in the bathroom were all in the sink. The shelf is located on the wall perpendicular to the sink, with a radiator under it, so if they had simply fallen off, they would've bounced off the radiator and hit the ground in pieces. Even if they did manage to fly off the shelf and land in the sink, they would have still have broken or chipped. But nope, they were all intact.
Also, a year or two before this happened, I had come home to find a little ceramic fish from that shelf was sitting neatly next to the sink. I almost never touch that thing.
I live alone in a studio apartment. I called the landlord and he said there had been guys working on the house, but none had gone in, and it was minor maintenance stuff only. I have lived here for eight years, however, and these are the only weird/creepy things that have happened, so I think I'm good.
8.) From tricky_achoo:
I was slapped hard while I was asleep. Woke up with my cheek hurting and ears ringing. I lived alone at that time.
Another less creepy (after the fact) story I remember was when I was crashing at my uncle's for a couple months in summer. While he was at work, and sometimes at night, I would hear a woman yelling, "Hey, you there?". At first I was very freaked out, but a couple times during day time, I'd look for the source and try and talk to her. And she never replied. I asked my uncle after a few days and it turns out it was the pet parrot of the guy who lived across the hall. I had heard him before making weird noises and screeching, but never had I ever imagined it could replicate a woman's voice like that. But yeah I did see him do that in person sometime later, so nothing paranormal there at least.
9.) From shatterly:
I spent six months living alone in a cabin near the end of a dirt road in central New Hampshire. Nearest neighbors were a quarter mile or so up or down the road. It's an area where people definitely keep to themselves. Had all sorts of animal visitors -- bears on the porch, you name it -- but never random people around.
One morning, I went out to my car to go to work. It was spring, and we'd had a late frost. On the rear window of my truck, someone had written, "I WATCH YOU" with their finger in the frost.
I never had an actual problem in the rest of my time there, but that freaked me the fuck out.
10.) From mini6ulrich66:
So it's not really "creepy" but it was weird. I moved into my place a couple years ago. 2 weeks into it, there's a little flower necklace in my mailbox one day. Alright, whatever. I throw it out and keep on truckin. Next day I came home and there's a pair of sunglasses (that looked female to me? but could probably work for either party?) and a note that basically says "hey I think you'd look good in these. You should wear them next time we're together, blah blah" . So clearly this person probably just thinks I'm somebody else? Again, I ignore it, keep everything as evidence IF NEEDED and move on. Three days later, I come home and check my mail expecting there to be something. Nope. Okay, cool. They fucked off. Head up to my door and there's panties hanging on the doorknob..... Ok. I'm fairly uncomfortable because they've now come up to my place instead of the group mailboxes downstairs. This means they know which apartment I'm in. Pretty sure it's all still a big misunderstanding so i write a note and put it on my door that basically says "hey, I don't know who you are, but you need to stop. I'm not whoever you think I am." Everything stops.
A YEAR LATER TO THE DAY, I come home and find another flower necklace in my mailbox. I took it out, ripped it up, threw it in the nearby trash can and went upstairs.
Nothing since then.
11.) From _cymru:
This happened last week! I was sleeping in bed and suddenly woke up like something had made me jump. I saw the outline of a person (too dark to see anything else) standing next to my bed and assumed it was my boyfriend. I laughed and said "oh my god you scared me, " and he got into my bed. I reached out my arms to hug him, and I felt nothing.
It's not as scary as some of these other stories, but at the time I was terrified.
12.) From vacainlondon:
About two weeks ago my depression was kicking my butt so I decided to cancel my evening plans and just lie down for a nap. Shortly after sunset I heard loud pounding on the front door alternating with rapid doorbell ringing. In the back of my head I though ups was being aggressive, but I still felt like crap so I ignored the noise.
About ten minutes later I heard a loud thump in the kitchen and assumed my cat had knocked something over. I got up from bed and was about to open the door to the bedroom when I saw beams from a flashlight underneath the door. I called out, “Hello?” and the light disappeared. I walked into the kitchen and noticed the door was still locked but ajar and my cat was standing at the top of the basement steps looking down into the darkness.
At that point I received notification from my partner (who was out of state for work) that something had tripped the motion sensor camera in the kitchen. Two men had broken into the house and it was unclear where they had gone once they went back out the kitchen door.
I called 911 and five officers and a canine unit were at the house within minutes. They sent the dog into the basement and it didn’t find anybody. The would be burglars hadn’t had enough time to take anything but my sense of security, but it wasn’t until I was telling my coworkers the story the next day that it started to hit me how much worse it could have been.
November sucked this year, l am so grateful it is finally a new month.
13.) From _kmald:
This just happened to me about 2 days ago, I came home to my kitchen and living room windows both open... a little suspicious considering its winter and my main goal is keeping heat in, called the guy I'm talking to asked if he opened them, confirmed.. while still on the phone with him i walked into my bedroom and saw both my space heaters in the middle of the room blasting heat with a towel in between both of them.. knowing i left the house with them both off and not in the location was weird.. still on the phone with the guy i asked if he did this and replied no, after you left i left.. I walked over to where the towel was and picked it up, was wet and had a weird smell.. but not pee or anything.. basically was the weirdest thing because I don't know what happened and the guy said he didn't know either.. so the mystery is still definitely unsolved.
14.) From forbiddenway:
Was staying alone in my brothers apartment while he was at sea. I was across the country away from everyone I know. Late at night I hear a cell phone ringing from somewhere inside the apartment. An old, creepy-ass Nokia cell phone ring, like in a horror movie. I searched high and low and could not find anything, OR pinpoint where the hell it was coming from, but it was close. I should mention the apartment was almost bare so there wasn't many places to hide something.
Eventually, it stopped ringing. Texted my brother and asked if he left an extra cell phone home, he said no. I never did hear the ring again.
I will always wonder what the hell that was all about.
15.) From Canadianabcs:
These are my moms stories, not mine.
When i was 5-10 years old we lived in a town house not too far from where i live now. Every other weekend my brother and i would go to my dads leaving my mom home alone.
Shed be sitting on the couch and hear furniture being dragged across the floor upstairs. Obviously we were gone and noone else was home. This happened often, multiple times a week and even when we were home. One time my dad had came by after we were in bed and heard it too, he asked what we (my brother and i) we doing awake dragging things around. My mom said it wasnt us. He called bullshit and went upstairs to catch us. We were asleep.
Other times the taps would turn on, mostly the one in the bathroom connected to my moms room. It happened too often i guess and eventually she had enough and yelled up "you can turn it off cause youre not scaring me!" It turned off.
Another time, she had went to bed. We were gone. She told me not 10 minutes after she got in bed she heard the sound of heavy steps coming up the stairs. Her bedroom was at the top of the stairs so when you walked up the last stair, her door was right there. So shes listening, thumpthumpthump thump thumpthumpthump silence. It stopped right at her door. She said it was the only time she had been scared in that house.
There are so many stories from this place, i could go on and on. How she sat alone at night despite the things that went on are beyond me.
16.) From TheFeralBookworm:
I live alone. Back when I first moved in, I hadn't put in a cat flap yet, so I got into the bad habit of leaving the back door cracked open a touch for my cat to go in and out, but I'd usually block it (sliding door) with a bit of wood so it could only open 6" or so. My house is down a long drive, and my back yard is fenced, so I figured it would be OK short term.
This particular night I fell asleep watching a movie, and I left the door cracked without the wood stopper. I had my curtains slightly open to get a breeze in, since it was a stifling hot, muggy day. I woke up within an hour, hearing a tapping coming from my window. An insistent, repetitive tapping. Snuck a look while trying to pretend to be asleep, sure it was a branch or something normal...nope. there's a dude standing outside staring in at me, tapping on my window like I'm in a fucking zoo enclosure and not being interesting enough.
It's about this time that I remember I didn't shut the door, which is only about six feet to the left of this guy. So I have a dilemma. I can get up and see what he wants, try and bluff my way through getting that door locked, or keep pretending to sleep and risk him getting bored with being creepy and finding it open himself.
He keeps tapping. For about ten minutes by feel, but it might have been less. Eventually I decide I have to nut up and do something, so I get up, and make for the back door. Dude stops tapping and meets me at the door. Turns out it's my neighbor, and he's off his face wasted, I can smell the alcohol from a good four feet away, and he's swaying on his feet. I get in position to slam the door shut and/or bolt for the front door if he tries to force his way in.
He slurs out "what are you watching?" "Um. Inkheart." "Can...can I watch?" "...No." "Oh." "Goodnight." "... Goodnight". And then I shut and locked the door as he stumbled off to his own house. That was the last day I left the door open. Or slept with my curtains open.
17.) From Jantra:
It's about midnight or so and I get woken out of a dead sleep. I'm not sure why, but I'm up on my second floor apartment, laying in the dark, staring at my alarm clock. Why am I awake? I lift my head and look around in my dark bedroom, listening.
Then, there in the dark at the end of my bed, I hear a weird clicking sound, a chitter, a mewl. ...Cat? I know it's my cat, because he's made that sound before at birds outside, but he's not at the window. He's at the foot of my bed from the sound of it.
I sit up, staring at him, and realize he's staring towards the ceiling. No one lives above me. What the hell is going on? My heart is absolutely racing because my cat has never acted like this before. I slowly get out of bed, sloooowly creep towards the baseball bat tucked nearby, and then flip the lights on.
There's a motherfucking bat flying around my ceiling. An hour of screaming, planning, and cursing finally got the damn thing out of my room and out the window (alive).
Later on in life, living in my new home alone with my two cats, the doorbell rang and my cat, who had been sleeping beside me, actually stood up and outright growled in the direction of the door. I had never, ever heard him growl before.
I refused to even go near the door.
18.) From br5491974:
I came home one night after a couple of days away. The air conditioner had stopped working during this time and it was over 100 degrees in the house. There were spiders hanging from the ceiling - barely moving. They were smaller and I'm not sure what type they were but I will never forget the scene when I turned the lights on. They were all hanging about 2-3' down from the ceiling. Hundreds of them. I left and purchased some bug bombs and set a coupe off in the entry way - it's as far as I'd go. I then went to town and got a hotel room. Came back the next day and swept/vacuumed the little bastards up. I can honestly say it is the most creeped out I've ever been.
19.) From goat_puree:
I was about 21 (but looked a lot younger) and recently moved into a duplex. I was supposed to maintain the front yard, the neighbors the rear, so I was doing a bit of work outside one day to tidy it up so I could plant some flowers under the window. I popped inside to cool off for a few minutes and ended up drifting to sleep on the couch. I woke up to someone knocking and looked out the peephole to see what looked like a door-to-door salesman. I didn't want to hear a pitch so I just stood there quietly waiting for him to go away when he turned my doorknob and slowly began to open my door. I pushed back hard and slammed it shut on him, grabbed my metal bat that was within arms reach and pulled the door back open a couple inches. He looked a bit surprised and asked "are your parents home?". I told him no and he handed me a brochure for a meal delivery service type thing for the elderly. I shut and locked the door, moved over to the window and watched him book it down the street and out of view. I got a big dog after that and made sure to not leave my door unlocked anymore.
20.) From enrico_palazzo15:
I came home one night and my computer desk was all messed up, speakers were on the floor and the laptop was moved. I was freaked out called my SO while searching the house and found nothing. Went to bed and heard a loud noise at 4 AM. My 70 pound dog was jumping on the desk to lay. Picture of Beary
21.) From Zeruvi:
So the backstory is that I work at 24x7 roster and I (obviously) am single and live alone.
I finished my night shift at 7am and went home. I was meeting my mum for brunch so I laid down in bed but set an alarm every 5 minutes so i didn't crash and miss her knock on the door. I laid on my side, facing the closed concertina sliding door that separates my bedroom and living room. This is Australia in summer so ~8am means full daylight streaming in, door has to be shut or it's blinding.
I hear the clink of keys then the grinding of one entering the keyhole of the front door. First thought is "but mum doesn't have a set of keys", then I realise I can't sit up, or move at all. I hear footsteps on the kitchen lino, the key coming out, the door shutting, then footsteps on the carpet and the thud of a handbag being dropped.
Then a voice says "I'm home, hun." don't know to explain the accent. I call it restrained Aussie - you imagine an Aussie accent as 'Yeah howzitgarn maaaaaate' but restrained is Aussie reduces emphasis on vowels. Says "can't" as "carnt". Alexarnder. Vase is Varze. Anyway it's clearly a woman's voice and I hear her plop onto the chaise of the couch and slowly remove her boots. Then a few more steps on the carpet and the concertina door slides open.
There stands the spitting image of what I perceive to be attractive. A gal, ~5'5, 5'6. Homely looking - long straight hair, chubby but not overweight. Her face and tones are kind of a blur, except her smile radiates and the daylight shines around her. She says "I'm just gonna crash", kisses me on the forehead then walks around the bed, behind me. I feel the weight if the bed shift as she lazily plops onto the mattress and adjust herself. As soon as she stops I feel my paralysis lift and I roll over.
Obviously, no one there. But a few things are really unsettling about this - at no point did my eyes open. Meaning this was a hallucination, not a dream. Knowing that, it means my brain was actively blocking information. For one, the concertina door was always open, so my mind was both blocking the light that was hitting my eyes from the other room AND created a memory of me shutting the door. The other is that it was pre-compensating my body weight on the mattress to adjust to normal when the dream gal sat on the bed behind me.
TL DR my brain is creepier than any neighbour, shadow or supernatural force.
22.) From courtachino:
When I first bought my house, I was in the smallest bedroom that I used as a media room. There is only one window in the room. It was about 9 at night and I'm watching tv. I'm sitting in the recliner that is right next to the window and suddenly there are three LOUD bangs on the window. My curtains were closed and I didn't dare look out. Fight or flight kicked in and I immediately grab my keys, lock my front door, and run to my car and just started driving. I was scared shitless. I called my dad eventually and he met me back at the house and didn't see anything outside. That was 5 years ago and I really never use that room anymore because of it. Maybe not too scary, but I lived alone (still do) and had literally just moved in.
Artists are constantly undermined, underpaid, and expected to do free labor for "exposure" even after they've spent years proving themselves as professional. Despite the fact that creative skillsets require just as much (sometimes more) work and dedication as any other profession, American culture heavily relies on exploiting people's "passions" and gaslighting creatives into working for free because they "didn't pick a real job."
Sadly, the economics of influencer culture have fed into this expectation even more, as popular Instagram personalities become accustomed to receiving swag from big brands and turn that entitlement towards independent artists.
People were quick to roast the mystery woman for having an inflated sense of her own following.
Assuming this exchange isn't fabricated or straight-up trolling, the only logical explanation is that the woman on the other end of the texts was hoping to resell the jewelry to make herself some cash.
A few things are for sure: 400 followers does not an influencer make, artists should be paid for their work, and expecting hundreds of dollars of free stuff from an independent artist is scummy, no matter how famous you are.
Pregnant women go through a lot. Not only do they have to incubate a human in their bodies for nine months while dealing with puffiness, back pain and nausea, they also have to deal with people giving them advice—much of it unsolicited.
1.) From fallingkites88:
Oh! I was told that I need to shave down there or the baby will get carpet burn. Like.. Wut?
2.) From melbell518:
To not drink water because it causes nausea.
3.) From hydrawoman:
When I was pregnant past my due date a co-worker advised me to drink cod liver oil mixed with vodka. Apparently this mixture would upset my digestive system, give me horrible diarrhea and thus trigger labor contractions.
Edit: I did not drink this combo to help with being overdue. I ended up several days later being medically induced and labor/delivery was swift and baby healthy. He is a grown man now.
4.) From saskabushmaster:
That I should drink her shitty MLM aloe vera juice every day... It's not advisable for pregnant women...
Edit: Turns out it was indeed herbal life.
5.) From Lotrfreqally:
My labor should be painless because Jesus died and erased the “pain during childbirth” penalty humans got from Eve. If I feel pain, it’s because I don’t believe in Jesus’ redemptive powers.
6.) From sawcy_cat_:
Not to drink hot tea because then I would boil my baby.
7.) From MyWaffleDoesNotJudge:
I had a co-worker tell me that eating peanut butter (I was eating an apple with peanut butter on my lunch break) would give my baby cancer. I already thought she was the world's greatest idiot so that nugget of wisdom was just confirmation.
8.) From queenoreo:
Don’t raise your arms above your head, it will tangle the baby’s cord and the baby will die.
9.) From PrincessShelbyy:
Not to sit on stairs because it will cause you to have a miscarriage... people are crazy.
10.) From madisjamz:
Not me but my sister. She had to have an emergency c section when she had my niece. Her mother in law said she wouldn’t be a “real woman” unless she had a vaginal birth.
11.) From blackcanary0127:
My MIL said it's ok to drink mixed drinks... she went on to say that my husband was a margarita baby. I now call him that when he gets on my nerves.
12.) From MamaDMZ:
My MIL: don't eat spicy foods or stand under the moon.. ugh..
E: as someone pointed out in the comments, it's the full moon, not just the moon in general. This was a decade ago, and my memory sucks.
E2: the spicy thing comes from the superstition that spicy foods will give your kid a birth mark.
13.) From realelizathornberry1:
My very first OB visit (first baby) handed me a book about month by month pregnancy and said that if I had any questions to just refer to the book. Then I said well what if the baby...she cut me off right there and pointed to the book and said “ah, ah, ah, it’s in the book.” I changed OBs.
14.) From pizza_witch:
“Don’t worry about the swelling and high blood pressure, thats normal.” -my midwife days before being induced due to preeclampsia
15.) From WrongedCorinna:
Oh I’ve got this: the lady at the counter in the village bakery told me that I should smear my face with SEMEN to counter pregnancy acne. It was the first time I’d ever met her.
16.) From agitatedlending:
my entire family was super judgmental/against breastfeeding for some reason, it was really strange. ‘how long are you going to do THAT for?’
17.) From MerrisAwesome:
My grandmother made a comment about my weight gain with my first pregnancy around month 5. For reference, I started severely underweight at 87 lbs and was closely monitored by my doctor because of it. At this point, I was nearing 125. When I told her that the OB/GYN was happy with where I was, she told me of her own doctor's advice (in 1956), "Smoke a pack of cigarettes per day to keep your weight down. The baby can gain it's own weight after birth."
Thanks, but no thanks, grandma.
18.) From milfandcookies4santa:
i was about 8 months pregnant, i said something at family dinner one sunday about how i was scared of labor, my gram shouts out “ you know you should smoke a blunt”. now my family’s open about their pot use, most of my family will smoke from time to time but my grandmother has never smoked in her life so i was a bit confused.
i just looked at her and keeps going “ if you smoke blunts well your in labour it will keep you calm and help with the pain, i’ll find you some weed just smoke in the bathroom of the hospital..... but wear socks you have ugly feet and the doctor won’t want to help you if he sees your cracked heels”
my grandmother is something.
19.) From THEMNMGIRL:
got severe itching all over the body during 7th mo.
did the routine test for liver function.all normal
Colleague advises, rub your husband's underwear which he has left for wash/laundry all over ur body as remedy for itching.
No.I DID NOT FOLLOW IT.
20.) From [deleted]:
One person told me I would never be able to fit a baby out of my body because I wasn't big enough "down there" and to just get a Csection....not a doctor. A random person who had literally never seen "down there." No I'm not going to get major surgery just because you don't think I'm large enough.
I've had two successful vaginal births.
21.) From SoldMySoulForHairDye:
While pregnant with me, my mom was told that drinking beer would help her baby develop and be nice and chubby.
I was five weeks early and barely six pounds.
22.) From AikenRhetWrites:
One of my work colleagues was obsessed with recommending that I eat citrus fruits, especially the easy-to-peel Cutie tangerines. She was convinced it would give the baby a higher IQ in the long run.
23.) From introvertalert:
So not really about pregnancy advice, but someone told me to put baking soda in a cup and piss on it first thing in the morning. If it fizzed, I was pregnant with a boy. If it did not fizz, I was having a girl.
24.) Frm Vixenstein:
When I found out I was pregnant a nurse friend of mine felt the need to rattle off an endless list of shit that could potentially be wrong with my baby. Another friend of mine, when I started telling people I was pregnant after the three months and was accused of telling people too early, said "It doesn't matter when you tell people, you could have a miscarriage at any point during your pregnancy." They both meant well, but really guys lol shut up!
25.) From lemonseedsforme:
My grandma constantly told me not to argue with my husband because it would cause the baby to be “fussy” and “difficult.”
26.) From Zombiebloomers:
I was told that heart burn during the pregnancy meant that the child had a lot of head hair.
Had a shit load of heart burn.
Kid barely had hair.
27.) From auntbubble:
When I was pregnant with my son, his dad's family tried to make me get rid of my cat. They said that the cat would crawl on top of the baby's face and suffocate him because he smelled like milk. One of his relatives actually went as far to say I was a bad mom if I didn't get rid of the cat. Son is 3 years old now and the cat has never given two shits about him.
Edit: to clarify, yes, pets can potentially cause harm to babies, especially newborns. However, I never once feared for my child because I know my cat and he is not the cuddly type. If my cat had been more affectionate, I might have looked at the advice differently. But still, calling someone a bad mom for not giving up their cat over a situation that might never happen is pretty fucked up.
Corruption lurks everywhere, from local police departments to schools and more.
A recent Reddit thread asked people to reveal the most corrupt things they've ever experienced. The responses are pretty disheartening.
EMS guy: In the days before the internet, I got fired by a (private) ambulance company for using the wrong pen to fill out Medicaid forms after a run. I used a ballpoint instead of the soft tip Flair pens and was immediately sacked by the owner.
A few years later, I found out he was imprisoned for Medicaid fraud. Turns out the soft tip pens he provided didn't go through all the carbon copies on the forms, and he was changing the bottom sheet to show more miles and services for each ambulance run (before sending them to the state). The day I used the ballpoint was for a very long ride, and cost him a lot of (fraudulent) money. That's why he was so infuriated. - pullin2
My university makes us buy a public speaking textbook (published by the university) and tear rubrics out of it. Your grades are penalized if you don't turn in the rubric torn out of the book for the teacher to mark your grade on.
This ensures that you can't resell your book, so the next class has to buy brand new books.
All the while, the university is putting up signs about why you should recycle.
Not big compared to some others here, but I'm still salty about it. - shield-616
I used to work at a nonprofit that provided financial education to middle school and high school students (achievement of juniors). The VP (my direct supervisor) was using money from our sponsors, the city schools and “No Child Left Behind” to pay for his girlfriend’s apartment that was around the corner from our office. Somehow he was altering our records so that no one would notice. Side note: although this sounds like bullshit, his wife had cancer. - merrittinbaltimore
I worked as a counselor at a youth shelter. Almost all the food/clothes were donated by local churches, and they didn’t buy anything for the kids, so theoretically they were just paying to keep the lights on and to keep on minimum wage staff. They had a ridiculous amount of grant money, enough to cover the food/clothes plus activities for the kids if they had had to pay for those things. Yet they skimped out on essential things like training. They gave me a CP certification without ever giving me any training. The shelter had rats and roaches and at times bed bugs. The heat was out for a month, during a blizzard, on Christmas, with girls residing at the shelter. I reported them and nothing happened except them interrogating the entire staff to find out who snitched. So clearly a lot of people were getting paid the money that was supposed to be going to homeless youth. Worst place I ever worked. - ApricityAmends
An old friend of mine got a job working for a church based charity. They would accept household donations and sell them in a thrift store they had set up to raise funds for the needy. His job was to drive around in a cube van, pick up the donated items and deliver them to the charity. He openly bragged about picking the best items for himself and would drop them off at his house before delivering the rest of the items to the charity. I called him out on it and told him it was a bad idea seeing as his cousin and two aunts worked there and put in a good word for him to get hired. That’s when he told me that they’ve been doing the same thing for years. He told me his aunts wouldn’t even keep most what they stole, rather they would sell the items at garage sales and that it was ok because, “ that’s how they make their money”. To make matters worse, they were paid in cash so they could keep collecting welfare. Pure trash and needless to say I have nothing to do with them anymore. - Lord-Ringo
I attended a very small, very religious middle school for about nine years, and was ruthlessly bullied for the final 3. I was singled out by one girl who would constantly insult my hair, skin colour, family, and anything I made the mistake of admitting I enjoyed. She even went as far as saying that the only way my mother was able to afford to send me to school was by being a whore (I was 12 at the time, I didn't even know what a whore was)!
I told my teachers and the principal, who said they would "assess the sutuation and help out", which did a whole load of jack shit - they would stand next to our table at lunch, and when the bully (obviously) didn't say anything to me, would tell me "she seemed polite to you today, I didn't hear anything wrong". I was even encouraged to invite her to my goddamn birthday party.
Anyway, this all culminated at graduation, where my bully was awarded a special diploma and a scholarship to an (equally religious) private highschool, for "exemplifying what it means to be a good Christian". I later learned that her family donated a large chunk of money to the school to help keep it running, which is definitely why everyone turned a blind eye to how horrible she was. - bestialvigour
I won't go into details, but I work for a municipality as a fairly low level employee. I've been offered bribes on a number of occasions to let things slide here and there. All very tempting but I like my job too much to risk it for $20 or so.
Long story short the biggest bribe I have been offered is $1000. I reported it to my supervisor and his response was "fuck dude why didn't you take it? I sure as hell would have." but we filed an official report. Didn't go anywhere as I didn't know the name of the people.
Makes me wonder what else is going on that I don't know about. - swanyMcSwan
I'm a health inspector. Not that much power or say in how things get run, but people will try to bribe for any little advantage or to get away with something.
The number of times I've been offered free food or small amounts of money to not close a place because of cockroaches is disgusting. - bythog
Realizing that I was the only one who wasn't stealing from the company.
Used to work in the IT department, and over time I noticed that things were going missing. Replace a bunch of monitors in a lab, then a few weeks later notice all the old ones are back - what happened to the ones I just delivered? We don't have nearly as many of something in stock as it says on our shipping receipt. And why are we always out of service kits for the copy machines?
Yeah, all of that was going on ebay or craigslist or somewhere else. Didn't realize it for years, maybe I'm just really oblivious, but the whole department was in on this. - Catfish-Dogfart
I forgot my driver’s license at home. A police officer came up behind me as I was returning home to get it, he pulled me over. I told him I had my license at home. He told me he could “forget we met” for the equivalent of 20 dollars in local money. I told him no. “Take me to the police station, make me a ticket, do what you need to do.” He kept going on saying “come on, the fine will be like 200 and I’m asking for 20.” I stood my ground and said no. He let me go when he realised he wasn’t going to squeeze money out of me. - Peepeepoopooman1202
I like to do air rifle shooting in my free time. One time a cop pulled me over and noticed I had a rifle case in my back seat. I said “yeah, that’s an air rifle”. He told me to open it and so I showed him it was a simple air rifle, those that fire small pellets and are used for sport. He asks for my LTC. “Wait what? Air rifles don’t need registry or license.” He says “all firearms need a license” (which btw that’s not true, only modern firearms require a license, firearms from 1899 and below don’t) I say “That’s not a firearm, it is literally called an AIR rifle”. He says he can look the other way if I pay up a small contribution. Of course I don’t so I’m taken to the Police Station. His chief then has to explain that an air rifle is by law practically a toy and no license is needed for it. You know what the best part is? The chief then comes to me and says, “you are free to go but you should give me a small contribution for getting you out of trouble.” So yeah, he wanted money too. I ended up giving him a large soda I had only to get out of there. - Peepeepoopooman1202
Raffle for a jet ski at a local carnival sponsoring the local volunteer fire dept. When they called the winner of the jet ski, I was standing right behind the guy who drew the ticket. When the ticket was drawn, he called a completely different name than was on the ticket. Winner was a close friend of the fire chief. - twopacktuesday
I work for a non-profit faith based drug/alcohol rehab. Turns out that in 2018 our founder and president/CEO was skimming money from the company to, among other things, buy clothes and jewelry for his girlfriend. His wife must’ve been pissed when she found out. He had also ostensibly been clean for the better part of 30 years but was also getting high. And he’s an ordained minister with his own church. - eternalrefuge86
I was pulled over for a burned out tail light when I was around 19 years old. I was sober but was immediately asked to take a field sobriety test, which I somehow failed.
Cop had my car towed, and I heard him tell the tow driver “I should be able to have a few more for you tomorrow to get to 10 by the end of the week.” The driver said “come by Friday and we’ll settle up.”
Took a breathilizer at the station and blew 0.0. Had to be picked up.
$450 to get my car out of the lot. That was virtually all the money I had at the time. - jickdam
Who hasn't, after giving up a day of their weekend and dropping $100 on a gift, gotten fed up at someone else's life milestone event?
One man felt frustrated by a gender reveal, and decided to make that frustration incredibly clear to everyone in attendance. After he got a mixed reaction from the other guests, he's asked the internet to adjudicate: was he the a-hole in this situation, or were the people throwing the event in the wrong?
I (30 M) drive 45 minutes outside of the city to go to my workmates gender reveal party. In the first place, I find this to be an obnoxious new fad, but I try to be a good sport for the sake of my work relationship. I dress up. I bring a gift. I bring a bottle of wine for the party. I am trying.
After much buildup, the couple stand in front of this box-thing with the gender reveal hidden inside. They pull a string, the box falls apart, confetti, streamers etc. and there reads a message "Unassigned!".
There are audible groans. A few woke claps. They launch into a polemic about gender and their decision not to assign their child a gender, and I begin loudly, playfully booing. No one joins in. A few people pull me aside later in the night to lecture me, others to thank me.
Now, I don't begrudge them raising their child however they want, and I don't have anything against trans people. But I thought bringing us so far out of our way, under the already lame pretense of a gender reveal, and then using it as an opportunity to posture and preach was lame, insincere and a**hole-ish in the extreme.
ValeNova says he was well within his rights to boo after being invited to such a pointless event:
What's the purpose of organising a gender reveal party when you don't want to assign a gender? You're right: you have put effort in this and it turns out that you're just there to be lectured.
Gorgo_xx found the preaching most egregious:
Don’t invite people to a gift-grab party and then to preach at them.
It’s a terrible bait and switch, on the same level as inviting someone to a party so that you can pitch them some MLM shite.
Poor form on them, booing card acceptable.
But Elicander votes that "everyone sucks here":
The booing makes it ESH for me though. OP could’ve left in protest, taken coworker aside to talk about how ridiculous it was, made comments to other people at the party (in moderation), but booing, really?
Unrelentingalli votes that the man is the a-hole, but it's okay:
YTA but i don’t hold it against you. That party wasted everyone’s time.
And Foothillsgirl threw another vote in for "everyone sucks":
You were rude and defiantly crossed a line.
They invited people over for a party (where they expect gifts) under false pretenses. This wasnt a celebration of a baby, it was a soapbox for attention seekers.
In the end, it's a pretty even split as to who's the biggest a-hole in this situation. One thing everyone can agree on, though, is that a gender non-reveal is just as annoying as a gender reveal.
"Laughter is a sunbeam of the soul."
-Thomas Mann
Laugh as loud as you want, we won't judge. These memes were each carefully put a smile on your face and make your morning more enjoyable.
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The only thing more stressful than doing a job is getting a job.
A recent Reddit thread asked people on Twitter to share the stories of their absolute worst job interviews, and it will help you feel less alone about the time you forgot your name.
Here are the funniest ones.
When you're in your teens and 20's, you think you'll be young forever. And all of the things people in their 30's, 40's and above complain about seem like myths that would never actually happen to you. At least not for a long, long time. Then one day you wake up in your 30's and your neck hurts, your alcohol tolerance is but a memory, you're complaining about "kids these days," and you look in the mirror and—MOM, IS THAT YOU?!?
There's a reason thirty-somethings are constantly talking about being in our 30s like we've earned our way into an exclusive mob. Because our bodies, habits, outlooks, and overall lives really do start to change pretty dramatically in all the ways that people warned us about.
Someone recently asked Twitter this question:
Hey, Over 30 Twitter, what was something about aging you always thought was a trope but turned out to be true? I'll go first: random backaches for simply *existing* after three decades of suboptimal posture.
She followed up:
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Jimmy Fallon is busy with five shows a week, so sometimes he reaches out to the internet for their best jokes and stories to share on the show.
The latest challenged called on fans to "ruin" movies by adding or changing a word, and things get dark. And I mean DARK.
Here are the funniest ones.
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Catch Me If You Can Can #RuinAMovieWithOneWordpic.twitter.com/uBmgduMaF6
— Ryan Bartholomee (@RyanBartholomee) January 6, 2020
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It’s a wonderful life sentence #RuinAMovieWithOneWord#JimmyFallonpic.twitter.com/oqgAJasi69
— lucy Petals (@LuLuLudo) January 7, 2020
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Good Will Bargain Hunting #ruinamoviewithonewordpic.twitter.com/oeX6lcBMIB
— Matthew Knight (@Matt_T_Knight) January 6, 2020
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The Greatest Snowman #RuinAMovieWithOneWordpic.twitter.com/57aicORxkn
— King of Da Norf (@nmaudlin) January 12, 2020
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Bourne Identity Theft#RuinAMovieWithOneWordpic.twitter.com/ivRIB5a6sm
— mama buhler (@mama_buhler) January 13, 2020
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Rotisserie Chicken Little #ruinamoviewithonewordpic.twitter.com/kcSu3SCb2V
— Meghan Brown (@megtka) January 6, 2020
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The Awkward Silence of the Lambs pic.twitter.com/ajkIrs4y7U
— Tanujaa Ravikumar (@TanujaaRavikum1) January 6, 2020
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Once Upon a Time...in Dollywood #ruinamoviewithonewordpic.twitter.com/bxjeQ7OFN1
— Meghan Brown (@megtka) January 6, 2020
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#RuinaMovieWithOneWord
— Yancy (@yancykm) January 6, 2020
Friends with Retirement Benefits pic.twitter.com/FNzrBT3D7I
Short men often get overlooked or even scorned by women as potential partners, and a woman named Lizz Adams has had enough. She shared a photo on Twitter of her with her 5'5" "king" of a husband and called out women who allow men to treat them badly just because they're tall.
She wrote:
Happily married to my 5’5” king for 8 years while y’all are getting ghosted by 6’2” alcoholics with 7th grade reading levels but go off about how you only date tall men I guess
Not only is her husband a "king," he also sounds like he has a pretty good sense of humor about his height.
Others are sharing stories of relationships that are surviving and thriving despite unconventional height discrepancies.
Unfortunately some tall men missed the point of her initial post and got in their feelings about her words about tall men (NOT ALL TALL MEN, ok talls? Calm down, the world's still your oyster).
just got my first #notallTALLmen dm what a time to be alive
— Lizz Adams (@Lizz) December 13, 2019
This woman set them straight.
Men of the shorter persuasion seem to appreciate Lizz's post.
Unfortunately, being a truth-teller often means getting cyber-bullied, as Lizz has experienced firsthand. Luckily, she's prepared.
Ok this got bigger than I expected, to those of you calling my husband ugly when you can’t even see his face pls leave your address I’m coming over to fight you and stop asking about his dick I am a virgin and that is a sin
— Lizz Adams (@Lizz) December 14, 2019
Don't mess with a queen and her short king.
A guy learned the hard way that tweeting can easily backfire—especially when your tweet is a fairly transparent announcement to the world about what a good guy you are.
[Phoebe Buffay voice] Oh......no.
The worst part isn't just his grandstanding, but the fact that he included a photo of his actual "lady drawer." And the contents range from questionable to straight-up creepy. Other than tampons (useful, thank you!!!), none of these items are the things women tend to need in an emergency or bind—and they're certainly not things we'd want to share with other unknown women.
Don't worry, not all men are incapable of gauging women's wants and needs! This guy, for example, is spot-on:
Women won’t like this lmao.
— raptors in 6ix (@troytrilla) January 16, 2020
Oh, yes, please, I'd like to use the community dildo please?
— 🔮Mystique🎶🎵 (@M3taMy5tique) January 12, 2020
Ah yes the classic etiquette advice: make all your female friends, family, and hookups feel at home with (checks notes) two bottles of nail polish remover, an open pregnancy test and a used dildo
— yesterday's fire (@starlessfuture_) January 14, 2020
For the record, I’m not saying to go buy all this shit. You really just need makeup wipes, tampons, hair ties, and a hair brush. I just had all that laying round so I designated a drawer for it.
— BassFather (@DaddyAllDay) January 12, 2020
That drawer probably smells like a concoction of 5/6 different cycles. No sir.
— BorothoKaJam (@Jahappinesslove) January 13, 2020
This is so great but, now that I read some of ur replies I see you didn’t buy this stuff?? So uhm, is EVERYTHING here stuff left around from previous girls... lmao. Cuz this was about to sweet af. But you really just picked up after these ladies. Lol
— 💙Heaven Or Hell🖤 (@CheyBbyMma12) January 13, 2020
The hair stuck in the brush...I would take one look....then sneak out.
— Chance may crown me ❎ (@BrilliantMind16) January 17, 2020
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests. pic.twitter.com/n6rjaAkT50
— phil (@warmfourloko) January 14, 2020
I feel like every guy needs a “lady drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests. pic.twitter.com/P4kzRnEa7K
— ✦ eve ✦ (@impossiblyeve) January 16, 2020
I feel like every guy needs a “lady drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests pic.twitter.com/W3b1S3rP2M
— teddy v 2.0 (@teddyvalenzuela) January 15, 2020
seeing this “lady drawer” trend going around but im already ahead of y’all pic.twitter.com/ecdnppgiYQ
— William D. Gould (@WilliamOfGould) January 15, 2020
Honestly would be 100% less creeped out to find a drawer (or closet) full of rubber ducks than a guy's sex toy lost-and-found, thankyouverymuch.
"There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that."
- Mark Twain
There are many four-letter words out there, some are just more fun to say than others. If you talk like a sailor and deserve to have your mouth washed out with soap on a daily basis, these f*@#ing memes are for you.
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Everyone loves identical twin hijinks—that's why Mary Kate and Ashley and both Lindsay Lohans had careers as kids. The only people who don't find mixups funny, however, are the parents of identical twins, who lie awake at night worrying whether or not they got the names right after the hospital.
Parents of doubles are sharing their stories on Reddit, and it's only a matter of time before they're adapted into Disney Channel Original Movies.
I have identical twin boys, adults now. As a parent you really always do know who is who.
But I did lose one once in a playground because I thought it was the same kid twice. They were about 4 years old, going up and down the slide. I was sitting on a park bench about 10 feet away reading a book but still watching them. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye I see one of them running towards the entrance, about 40 feet away. I was so confused. I had been watching one son going up and down the slide, thinking it was both of them. He was just doing it fast! It scared me so much I gave them two different haircuts the next week so it couldn't happen again, which turned out to be a great thing because now everyone could tell them apart. Except outside in the winter, because hats.
My twin boys are 13 now. I've never mixed them up but when they were younger I used to address them with very generalized words like "son" and "buddy"
My grandmother baptized the same kid twice.
We distinguished our identical twins usually through different colored outfits, but as a back up we used blue toenail polish on the big toes of one boy.
One day we have them in similar but not identical outfits and my wife is bragging to friends that she can tell them apart. She takes off the socks of the boy she has identified as "A". Blue toenails. It's "B". Wife starts to panic. Our tween daughter starts laughing. She switched the boys without my wife knowing.
Good times.
I have identical twin boys. In 3rd grade, Twin A stayed home sick. His name was called to win an award during an assembly and Twin B accepted it for him and no one knew the difference.
It's hard to tell who's who in baby pictures unless it is a picture of the two of them. The features I use to tell them apart need to be compared.
The closest I ever came to a switch is when Twin A crawled in my bed in the middle of the night. I thought it was Twin B. I woke up several times because he was restless. In the morning when I realized I'd been thinking it was the wrong twin all along it was the weirdest feeling.
In the middle of the night when they were little babies I nursed and changed one baby twice thinking I had done both.
When they were babies their colors were white and green and now that they are school aged they have grown out of the colors. A few months back I took them to a museum and the entire time I thought they weren’t behaving or listening very well. About three hours into the day I realized that Green boy was dressed in a white shirt and White boy was dressed in green. I had reverted back to when they were babies/toddlers and called them by the wrong names all day just from looking at their shirts. Poor guys were as frustrated as I was!
I took my two sons to the optometrist to get their eyes checked. One of the twins needed glasses. The other didn't. So I ordered the glasses, but when I got them I forgot which twin needed them so I asked them. (Keep in mind the twin that didn't need glasses wanted them for some reason) So the twin that didn't need glasses said they were for him. Long story short the glasses ended up straining his eyes and now they both need glasses.
We went to the passport office to get passport for our kids and I attached the photo of one kid on both forms. Apparently the lady on counter thought it was suspicious and spouse was outright mad. Kids thought it was funny.
My twins are less than a year old, so it's mostly been innocent stuff, like calling one the other's name, putting them in the wrong cribs, or mixing up the bottles. They've survived so far, so we'll take it.
I’m an identical twin.
My favorite story to tell is when we were two or three and the doctor looked in my ears instead of those of my brother, who had been crying about his ears hurting.
“Yeah, that’s an ear infection.”
“....that’s the wrong twin. This one is the one who’s in pain.”
“Well, this one has an ear infection.”
Mom of identicals here. Not really one moment --yet-- but I had them by c-section and for some reason it's always bothered me that I may have gotten them mixed up when we finally took the hospital bracelets off. They had no real differences as infants so I think about that at least 5 times a day. They're 4 now.
"There aren't enough days in the weekend."
-Rod Schmidt
If you're ready to get your weekend started, these memes will be just the ticket. Whether you plan on going out and getting buck wild at the club or staying home binge watching murder documentaries on Netflix, these memes are the perfect way to kick off your weekend with a laugh.
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We've all been on the receiving end of texts or calls intended for someone else. Most people just choose to ignore them and move on with their day, or respond with a brief "sorry bro wrong number." Kurt is not most people.
Alan, thinking he had reached Jaz, responded with a longer message, revealing some information about Jaz (she's an escort) and himself (he golfs, and really wants to see Jaz).
Alan took the whole thing good-naturedly and the convo ended with both of them having a laugh. The End? Nope. This was not the only time Kurt heard from someone trying to reach Jaz.
The unknown texter revealed that "em" is short or "Erotic Monkey"—but of course! He went on to explain that he met Jaz through "Farah" who is "not around anymore" (hope she's OK!).
Kurt, once again, revealed his true identity and then tried to sell this "erotic monkey" fan a car.
Apparently Jaz was a very popular escort (get it, Jaz!) because Kurt also received several missed calls and voicemails from another unknown number.
This is the content that internet dreams are made of. Screenshots of Kurt's hilarious interactions were shared on Imgur by a friend of Kurt's who wrote "my buddy was given a new number....?"
Naturally, Kurt responded to the comments (if there's one thing he loves as much as selling cars, it's responding to things!):
Glad Kurt had fun. Now will someone please buy a car from this man—he is a god-damned hustler (not that kind!) and you have to respect it.
"Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will."
-Zig Ziglar
The power of positivity is mighty strong. Keep your head held high and fill your morning with some belly laughs. It's good for the soul. These silly and random memes will keep you laughing all day long.
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"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow."
-Helen Keller
Focus on the good things in life, like these memes. They were each chosen with the sole purpose of making you laugh. That's not too shabby. Get your laugh on now and watch your whole morning improve rapidly.
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Rob Lowe hopes that both teams have fun.
The actor and disconcertingly beautiful man attended the NFC Championship game last night, and rather than root for the 49ers or the Packers, he expressed his general support for the game of football with his headwear.
Lowe's hat featured the NFL logo, and only the NFL logo, because that way, his team was guaranteed to win.
It's a very Chris Traeger move of him to say that the real winner of the football game is the multi-billion dollar corporation that made money along the way. Lowe was mocked with memes for this incredibly dorky move.
Lowe saw the memes, and was glad he succeeded to entertain, unlike his friends on Team Football.
Indecision was theme of the night, as just a few hours later, The New York Times rolled out their own version of the Generic NFL Hat: A generic endorsement for Both Of The Women Still In The Democratic Primary (that's Senators Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren for the people who have been successful in tuning the circus out).
If only there could be two presidents and two Super Bowl winners, then none of these takes would be cop-outs.
Tomorrow, the President of the United States (that's Donald Trump, for the people who have been successful in tuning the circus out) will begin his trial in the Senate having been impeached in the House for Abuse of Power and Obstruction of Congress.
Unfortunately for him, he can't pull off the same move he used in his past lawsuits including Trump Taj Mahal, Trump Miami Resort Management, and Trump Productions LLC and settle out of court.
Even though Trump and his allies claim that impeachment is unconstitutional, it is written into the Constitution under Article II Section 4. While Trump is almost certain to get acquitted because of the partisan makeup of the Senate, he still can't stop the trial from proceeding and likely flooding the airwaves.
This historic event might just be the most closely-watched trial since The People vs. OJ Simpson, and like the OJ trial, this one's got Alan Dershowitz.
Trump himself is preparing for the event by threatening to block witnesses, calling impeachment "frivolous" and "dangerous," and tweeting some of his greatest hits:
Stay tuned for the inevitable all-caps "WITCH HUNT!"
The high-end menswear brand Comme des Garçons was blasted for its Paris Fashion Week runway show in which white dudes in cornrow wigs looked like they lost a bet.
Whether it was on-purpose to generate angry comments or simply in an oversight for sore eyes, we can all agree that this dudes look like idiots from the head down.
Hairstylist Julien d'Ys should have taken the time to look up both the history and implications of appropriating black hairstyles, and what white dudes look like in cornrows. They all look like N*SYNC-era Justin Timberlake, and not in a good way.
d'Ys apologized on Instagram, and insisted that his inspiration was "Egyptian prince," not "Person of Color who was fired and/or harassed because of their braids."
The only way the hairstyle would make sense is if all those male models were actually nine-year-old girls on Winter Break in the Bahamas with their parents who don't know any better. Now that's fashion.
A 26-year-old man in Evansville, Indiana went from Bad Grandson to worse when he skipped his grandmother's funeral to pay a visit to her house—and steal stuff.
The grandfather had just arrived home after his wife's funeral to find that his guns were gone, and he told the police that "his grandson, 26-year-old Cameron Reine, was the only family member not at the funeral, and he knew the alarm and safe codes and location of the keys."
Grandpa told the cops that Cameron had stolen from him before, and while Cameron initially denied taking the guns, he later admitted that he took someone because he owes someone money.
What an efficient way to disrespect both grandparents in one day!
Congratulations, World's Worst Grandson: an even stupider person committed an even stupider crime.
Former Alaska dentist Seth Lookhart was found guilty of 46 counts including reckless endangerment after filming himself pulling out a sedated patient's tooth while rolling around on an electronic two-wheeler.
Lookhart filmed himself yanking the tooth and then throwing his hands up in the air, and sent it to eight friends with the joke, “new standard of care."
Even his lawyer thinks that the guy is a frickin' idiot. According to The Anchorage Daily News,"It’s unacceptable and you can be assured that when I agreed to represent him, I got in his face and told him what I thought about him for doing this, which I think needed to be done."
While there's never a good time for an adult to be on a hoverboard, during a medical procedure is objectively the worst time.
Doc Brown from Back To The Future did not invent them to be abused like this.
