Bartenders see a lot of drunken antics, most of which are supremely annoying or predictable. What feels funny or clever to drunk people, often looks obnoxious or idiotic to the people working the bar day after day.

Still, even the most jaded of bartenders happens upon a drunk person with surprisingly charming and impressive antics every now and again.

In a popular Reddit thread, bartenders share the "coolest" things they've seen drunk people do, and it proves that some people can hold their liquor and leave a positive impression.

1. CallMeFantastic has nothing but love for their Scottish billiards president.

I watched a completely inebriated 90 year old Scottish man play the greatest game of billiards I have ever seen at a local pub. He could barely stand or speak but played like a professional.

2. kirkHAM doesn't know how the man caught the cig.

Some guy said to me after I'd just served him 'watch my beer I'm going out for a cigarette'. He then threw the cigarette in the air and caught it in his mouth and walked outside like nothing had happened.

3. jim55ll watched a man spin seamlessly.

Followed a guy down a flight of stairs, he could hardly walk. While going down the stairs he did a complete 360 and never missed a step. I tried it sober and almost killed myself.

4. skierdude403 saw a short man jackhammer a bully.

Ex Bartender Assistant here, worked in one of the bigger country bars in Canada. I've seen a fair bit of stupid sh*t, but the best would have to be a shorter guy (5'2ish) step in when a buddy was about to get the sh*t kicked out of him by another drunk guy (over 6'0 and reasonably built). The shorter guy steps in, blocks the angry drunk, who promptly back hands the shorter guy to the ground. Normally security would've stepped in by now, but it was a busy night and they hadn't seen the altercation.

Shorter guy stands back up, dusts himself off and does what I can only describe as a jumping jackhammer punch to the drunk guys face. Basically he jumped up, and rode the guy down, feeding him what looked to be 5-6 punches. Guy was done before he hit he ground, broken nose, the works. Unfortunately both were kicked out due to fighting, but I fought for the shorter guy to stay.

5. birthdaycandle was part of a spontaneous ice cream party.

A drunk regular accidentally takes another drunk regular's purse home. She calls him to bring the purse back (they were friends), which he does while eating an ice cream cone. She rhetorically asked where her ice cream was.

He proceeds to go to the gas station across the street and comes back with a WHOLE GROCERY BAG full of ice cream cones and not only gives one to her, but to every customer at the bar and multiple to us bartenders. There was something so adorable about a room full of adults elated to be have one giant, spontaneous ice cream party.

6. awwrats witnessed a poetic fall, complete with personal soundtrack.

I don't know if cool is the best description but, I cut a very drunk guy off one night but allowed him to sit at the bar to sober up a bit. After a couple of club sodas, he stumbles over to the jukebox to play some music. It was an old jukebox that required you to push 4 digits to play a song.

Well this guy makes his selection and when he pushed the 4th digit he pushes himself backwards and falls flat on his back making a huge scene. Just as I start to make my way over to help his drunk a*s up his song starts playing. It's "I Fall To Pieces" by Patsy Cline. Perfect.

7. ClassicChris wishes there were more good trolls.

A group of guys were being loud and obnoxious a*sholes (in a very full bar) while playing pool and pumping tons of money into the touchtunes playing their Hoobastank or whatever the f*ck they were playing. Being completely disruptive and intimidating anyone trying to use the juke box.

This one random guy sits at the bar right in front of me with his girlfriend and says "want to see something funny?" Pulls up the touchtunes app, and starts playing a bunch of random songs and get queued to the front of the list. Almost everyone in the bar started laughing at the group when Mariah Carey's Christmas album started playing while the bros were yelling at each other to figure out who played the song. Went on for about an hour until they left.

Oh random guy. I wish there were more people like you out there.

8. Lostboy8 felt an affinity for their mysterious Guinness guy.

This strange kid always came in on Wednesdays around 10 pm, got a pint of Guinness, drank it, tipped $10 plus the price, said thank you and left. I always tried to strike up conversation and he wasn't rude but I could tell he didn't want to. I always thought he was so cool in an enigmatic way.

9. kylew1985's buddy got trolled by a peak drunk girl.

So dumb, but at last call, my buddy and I went over to one of the exits to make sure people weren't leaving with drinks (city ordinance). We see a very drunk girl in her early 20's approaching, being helped out by two of her friends. When she gets close she goes to my buddy, she raises her hand up for a high five. My buddy raises his hand to give her one and she immediately goes into finger guns and says "WHO'S GAY?!" pointing at my friend with his hand raised looking like a dope. It was so random and unexpected, a true stroke of drunken genius.

10. theamazingronathon has seen too much.

I watched a girl deep throat a beer bottle. From the bottom. She fit it all the way up to the neck.

It was honestly intimidating.

Another time I watched a dude get thrown out. Literally. Out of the corner of my eye I see movement, and I turn around to see two large bouncers standing at the door, and hear a gross sound behind me. It was a dude hitting the sidewalk, after being thrown at least 10 feet. He was completely dazed, looked like they just about knocked him out. After a few seconds he sits up and rubs his head, as some of us approach, when the door opens, and wham his missing shoe nails him right in the face.

No clue what he did, but we got him to a bench, and waited with him til someone picked him up.

11. sandalcade saw a room completely turn around emotionally.

Not a bartender, but I play old music videos at a bar (currently at work now, so pardon the formatting). There was this extremely drunk dude that came in one night and kept pestering the regulars and requesting some of the dumbest and cheesiest sh*t ever (I didn't comply).

It was funny at first, but it began to get on everyone's nerves because of how loud and obnoxious he was being about it and at some point he just gave up and starting singing aloud to whatever was on in a little corner. Eventually he came back up to me which got on everyone's nerves. Everyone began yelling at him to go home and stop bothering us but he got up close and whispers "I'm leaving now. Can you please play Delilah by the Sensational Alex Harvey Band?".

I indulged him this time and he began singing like he did and everyone ignored him. When the chorus hit though, he jumped up on top of the bar and started dancing and belting it out at the top of his voice. The doormen came barging in ready to pounce at the guy and almost as if to protect him, the whole bar erupted in singing and dancing. It was like a fucking movie. The guy went from being the most hated person in the room to the coolest dude there. Everyone ended up buying him drinks, requesting more cool stuff to sing along to and after quite some time hanging with him, one of the regulars even let him crash at his because he was way too fucked up to even tell a cab driver where he lived.

I don't really know the details, but it turns out the guy actually had just gotten back from the courts where he lost pretty much everything he had worked for his whole life to his wife in a horrible separation. It also turns out he has great taste in music and he was just trying to request the cheesiest music to get people to sing with him that night. He's now a regular and I love getting requests from him. He's also found some great friends here and goes out golfing with the rest of the regulars all the time!

Perhaps it isn't as cool, but people always talk about the power of music and I've never seen it work like that before. I've also never seen a crowd's opinion of a person change in an instant like that, and I don't know if I'd ever see something like that again.

Sorry again about the formatting!

EDIT: just adding a TLDR: Drunk dude started pissing everyone off at the bar with his sh*tty song requests and obnoxious behaviour, requested a final song and sang it on top of the bar. The doormen tried to get rid of him, but the rest of the bar decided to sing along with him and stop that from happening. Everyone became good friends.

12. Brohnly watched a bachelor party make it rain on a guitar player.

We have live music Friday and Saturday nights. One night we have a small crowd for the solo guitar player so this group of five dudes walking around in a bachelor party comes in and asks for $50 in ones from me after one round of drinks. Showers the guitar player in said one dollar bills then tips me out then they all leave.

13. lawlessSyntax's dad cleared the table.

(Sorry not a bartender)

I was a regular poker player at a local establishment. The place was mostly whiskey and cigars, and had an older crowd. I was around 22, but liked the atmosphere, and beating drunk old dudes at poker was what paid my way through dropping out of college.

On this particular day, my dad happens to walk in and sit down at the poker table. I didn't know why he was there- he isn't a card player and was never much of a drinker. On this night, he was pretty plastered. He orders another drink, and manages to slap down some money for poker chips.

I was doing my best to explain the finer points of No Limit Texas Hold'Em to him, when the action comes to him. Without even looking at his cards, he tosses a handful of chips onto the table- a decent chunk of change.

Someone calls.

My dad has an Ace high flush.

Cashes in his chips. Calls himself a cab home and buy the table a round of drinks.

14. hungamaclub watched a man lap up the spotlight.

Fairly tame, but here goes. The restaurant I work at is mostly windows and lies on a main street in between other college/dive type bars. Pub crawls are a common thing around these parts and we are often entertained at the parade of drunks wandering from one spot to another. (we are a bit higher end so we do not attract those looking for cheap thrills) Anyway, one normal night I have a party of three ladies in the 50-70 range having a nice dinner with a spot of wine and enjoying their night. From my vantage at the bar, I watch as a group of 5 or 6, 21ish aged males walking past the front windows.

They weren't the usual drunks, punks, or co-eds and had they not been so clean cut, what happened next wouldn't have surprised me that much. When the group reached the spot in the window next to where the ladies sat, one of the fellows turns to his left and LICKS THE WINDOW right next to this one lady's face. It happened all of a sudden and the look on her face was fucking priceless! All of us were in shock and it took everything in me not to die of laughter. I did the obligatory rush to the door and shake my fist at "those darn kids", but it is rather pointless when pretty much everybody in the place (including the ladies) is cracking up.

15. devanbarela loves the $500 tip man.

Guy asked me what my biggest tip was.Then said he'd triple it. Made $500 in 4 hours.

16. Declanpettit watched a Canadian go in.

Probably a week ago, I saw these two guys about to get in a fight. One was this big dude, probably 6'3" and 220 lb, while the other was maybe 5'9" and 150 lb soaking wet. Anyways, they're about to get into it, when the small guys buddy hops in between them and just starts screaming in this thick Canadian accent "Do you wanna go you F*CKING BENDER??? I'll break your hoser neck! I've been playing puck since I was in my ma's womb!" The other guy immediately backed down. F*cking classic.

17. witchking96 watched a man crush Jeopardy while sloshed.

We had Jeopardy showing on one of the TVs and one guy sitting at the bar correctly answered every single question before any of the contestants did.

18. DeLosLobos saw a real-life Marlboro man.

Typical "not a bartender but..." I was once at a bar in in my hometown on halloween night. Everyone was in costumes. I was on the patio/smoking area and one dude stood out. He was 6'5" and dressed in full super real looking cowboy gear (stetson hat, jeans, duster, boots with spurs, ect) just standing in the corner smoking cigarettes by himself all night.

So, a bunch of people are on the patio smoking and drinking and I notice a woman (dressed as a slutty minion or something equally silly) with a cigarette in her mouth, digging through her purse looking for a lighter. OUT OF F*CKING NOWHERE cowboy dan swoops in flicks open a zippo, lights her cigarette, tips his hat and says "ma'am" and goes back to his corner without another word. It was the coolest goddamm thing I've ever seen.

19. hangingonbya--thread loves a respectful sloppy person.

As a bartender, the coolest thing I have ever seen a drunk person do is get cut off from being over served and be totally respectful about. An old regular of mine used walk to the bar c drink 9 or ten jack and cokes. He never caused problems, would just get a bit sloppy. Ever time you told he was done we would smile, thank me and pay and go. That was f*cking cool.

20. Paddy_McQ watched a man use hot dogs as garnish.

I bartended at a golf course. One day I only had 1 guy in the bar. He got a gin and tonic, a hot dog and a slice of watermelon. Put his straw through the hot dog (the long way) and used the watermelon as a garnish. He had 3 of these.

"Mardi Gras, baby. Mardi Gras. Time when all manner of weird shit cuts loose and parties down."

-Sherrilyn Kenyon

Laissez les bon temps rouler! It's Mardi Gras, people. The time for colorful parades, sparkling beads, delicious cakes with plastic babies in them, and all kinds of general debauchery. Even if you can't make it to New Orleans this Fat Tuesday, you can make a little time in your day to laugh. These Mardi Gras memes have all of the festive fun of the holiday with none of the soul-crushing regrets tomorrow.

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We all have an impact on our environment constantly in ways we usually don't realize—unless we're high enough to stop and think about it. But sometimes, our small actions can trigger a series of reactions that ultimately have major consequences. It's called the "butterfly effect" and, unlike a butterfly, it's not always pretty.

Someone asked Reddit: "what's the worst butterfly effect that you've set off whether on purpose or on accident?" These people share stories of times the butterfly effect had terrible consequences:

1.) From SIFremi:

Me spotting a weird light outside my window led to me becoming homeless a couple years later

Saw a weird light outside our house one night -> told mom -> it turned out to be my dad calling his mistress -> divorce -> mom gets sole custody -> some time passes -> my mom is ready to move on and reconnects with an old boyfriend -> they decide to go on a trip together -> he and my mom end up in a car accident -> she dies -> I'm just about to turn 18 so I can't go into foster care and my extended family takes her shit and ditches me -> homeless

It's really weird to think of it this way,,, I do wonder what would have happened to me, or to her, if something in there had gone differently.

2.) From Economy_Cactus:

One night I decided to get drunk instead of studying in college. Went out with a few friends who I convinced to go out with us. One friend meets a girl that he ends up falling in love with. So he moves out of my buddies apartment leaving a spot open the next year that they need to have subleased.

Ends up being a girl who wants to get in this apartment, I see her a lot since she lives with my buddies. I start dating her. It leads to the worst most destructive manipulative two years of my life where she leaves me two months before the wedding for another man and took all my money.

Had to move back home and start my life over living with my parents. All because I wanted to get drinks one night.

3.) From adeiner:

Agreed I have a foursome with my then-boyfriend and two people he didn’t know but I knew. Didn’t go well, he ended up leaving me for them (throuples are wild), I moved across the country for a job I probably would have turned down if I weren’t single, he ended up breaking up their four-year relationship. Because of one weird drunken night I started a different career, he ended what could have been a marriage, one of the guys is now engaged to someone else and the fourth person deleted all social media and got fat.

4.) From itsfish20:

Texted my bat shit crazy ex that we should hookup sometime cause I was home alone and drunk/stoned. Well she responded a few minutes later saying sure and she took the train up to my place. We hooked up all night, multiple times and not gonna lie it was a ton of fun!

That was a Friday night, on Monday she texted me she was pregnant and sent me a pic of an ultrasound and three positive pregnancy tests. Well I called her out on her shit, that was a blatant lie and there was no way she was pregnant that soon and it would not show up on a test that quick and I wore protection and was too drunk to finish each time. Well this was her ploy to get back with me and it backfired hard on her and sent her into this downward spiral and she ended up in a mental ward for a few days.

5.) From NO_PRND:

I sent my wife's lovers chat log and hotel receipts to his mother. (Thanks Facebook) They live 2,000 miles from us and after doing some digging into him when I found out I realize that his mother was supporting him and his wife and three children(he's 44 years old). His mom kicked him out, but let is wife and kids stay. His wife divorced him. I divorced my wife, now he's living in his car. I'm not even upset about it.

f*** my wife, f*** your life.

6.) From theironfist29:

I'm a big fan of this theory as i believe a lot of major incidents can be traced back to one defining choice or action.

A bad one that jumps out to the front of my brain;

I was studying in college (pre university in the UK), when a class mate suggested i joined a sort of social networking website dedicated to meeting people who will be going to the same university as you. I joined and became friends with a really lovely girl. We got talking and everything about her ticked all the right boxes (or at-least to 19 year old me).

Fast forward a few months. We are both at uni and dating - we have our ups and down but they were very extreme ups and downs. I hated my course i was on (product design) and applied to another university to study architecture (something i always wanted to do) but i stupidly got cold feet as it meant i would have to move away and i didn't want to leave her so i rejected their offer.

we broke up shortly after and had a very messy and public breakup along with having to see her get with her friend that i sort of knew had a thing for her, along with rumours going round that i hit her (which i didn't).

So I'm 99.99% if i never had that conversation with my class mate, i wouldn't have joined that website, i wouldn't have met my ex. I would have gone to a different university and my life would be very different right now. Thats mad.

7.) From The_Catz_Pajamas:

I have a few of these incidents, but this one in particular really shifted my life in a pretty big way.

I used to work for an MLM when I was 19. I was doing really well within the organization and I had a decent trajectory in terms of getting enough people on my "team", which would have allowed me to earn 6 figures. I was stoked. Anyway, one night me and a handful of coworkers were at a bar drinking and playing Golden Tee (the bar never carded me so I had free reign there). One of my coworkers runs up to me and asks me if he could borrow my car so he and another co-worker could pick up beer at the store. To be honest, I have no idea what their end game was, but I had this really sweet 1991 Toyota MR2 at the time and I loved it. So, I asked him if he was drunk and he assured me he wasn't. So, I gave him my keys.

Cut scene to like 3 minutes later and someone comes running in to the bar from outside screaming "OMG they got in to a wreck!!!" So I run outside and my coworker had managed to wrap my fucking car around a light pole in the bar parking lot. There were two people in my car, which left two head imprints in my windshield. They fucking totaled my car.

Unfortunately for me, I only had liability insurance and my coworker was broke. So, I was fucked. No car. I couldn't get to work. Now, mind you, this was in 1999 so there were no Uber's or anything and because I was having a hard time getting to work, I started running out of money. Finally, I had lost all my motivation to move forward with that job and found myself car-less, job-less, and living in a friend's basement.

Two months later, I joined the Air Force and it COMPLETELY changed my life's trajectory. All because I trusted some dip shit with my car keys for 3 minutes. Crazy.

8.) From littlelostsober:

I called 911 to get a homeless guy medical help but they ended up arresting him instead and threatened to arrest me for making a false police report. I still feel bad they arrested him I was just trying to help the guy out. I didn't get arrested but my boss was pissed at me.

9.) From jerrygergichsmith:

I told my friend that there were some serious suspicions that his girlfriend was cheating on him which turned out to be true. Turns out buddy’s ex took it out on her former college roommate and destroyed their friendship because she thought the roommate was the one who ratted her out. The friend wound up not really talking to much of her friend group from College at all as a result, and the first person who reached out to her... pitched an MLM she accepted. So now she’s all in on an MLM because I told my friend about his girlfriend cheating.

10.) From kweeche:

When I was 21 I dropped out of college and waited tables for a bit. I had offers from two different restaurants. I waited tables for about a year at a big chain restaurant. I started picking up bartending shifts, then was made shift leader, manager, and finally assistant general manager. I dated a few waitresses, and ended up marrying one. The marriage lasted 13 months and ruined my confidence. I went back to waiting tables and didn't date for 5 years. I barely got laid in that time. 15 years later I finally start trying to date again and fail miserably. 5 years after that I meet my wonderful wife and we have a great 4 year old now. I don't know what would have happened had I taken the other job, but I probably wouldn't have spent 20 years alone. I still don't know how to be in a relationship, but I'm trying.

11.) From Wedidntstartthef1re:

Pressured a guy in his 50s to do an assault course race so I could get a $10 discount. (If we had 5 people it is cheaper).

He eventually gave in. Made it to the 5th mile, slipped and tore his cruciate ligament.

He couldn't work so stayed at home with his wife, he started arguing with her a lot. So much they decided to separate and get divorced.

He moved out, his adult children hated him and he rented a house from a mutual friend.

A few months later our mutual friend calls me to let me know that 50s guy had poorly screenshotted mutual friends photos from facebook and used them as his own on tinder. All well and got except he was a 5'2, 50 year old latino guy. Mutual friend was 6 foot 30 year old white guy.

Usually my mutual friend wouldnt be that bothered, except he found out from his wife as one of her friends saw his photo on tinder, but with latino guys name instead. They were also about to get married so both were really angry.

Mutual friend tried to ring latino guy. Latino guy hung up when he realised he was busted. Long story short my mutual friend evicted him.

Yeah

My bad

12.) From Vert1cus:

caused my moms boyfriend to be arrested by eating cookie dough and then blaming him for it, which caused my mother to get pissed off and make him go out to go get more but recently one of the taillights died and so he got pulled over to get a fix it ticket which california loves to give out but when they ran his id they found a warrant out for his arrest because when he worked at a hospital he stole a few of the computers and thus he was arrested and i never say him again.

13.) From swishywashy:

This kid used to bully me in school so I complained to my mom who took it up with the principal. Apparently this wasn't the first complaint and he had been kicked out of his previous school for the same reason. However, it turns out, that he's my dad's boss' kid and the dad for some weird ass reason decides to "take revenge" by stopping my dad's promotion multiple times. Dad takes up another job but he has to move to another city while we stay back because stability. Dad has an extramarital affair there, mom finds out, it's an absolute shit show in my house for the next three years. My parents hate each others guts but refuse to divorce because codependency and societal pressure. I spend those three years breaking up their fights and trying to talk reason into their thick skulls while also managing the household and my studies. Anyway I've got depression and anxiety now, all because I couldn't suck up and take some bullying as a kid lmao

14.) From The_Egomaniac:

Asking out my ex. I knew she would say yes, and later she would break up with me. I just ignored the negatives as anxious me having negative thoughts. But all that happened. I was broken so much that I dropped out college, depressed, confused, suicidal,... Now I've recovered.

On a brighter note, here are some stories about times the butterfly effect led to something positive:

15.) From notgoodwithyourname:

I decided to go to a strip club after work one day at like 5pm on a Friday by myself because I was a creep and unhappy I guess.

I get in and i think there was like 2 other patrons there. I sat down in between two dancers and the one on my left said hi because she was bored. We ended up talking and immediately hit it off. She's crazy smart, beautiful, and funny. We end up getting a dance because like I said I'm a creep. Afterwards when we finish she jokes that this will be a funny story to tell our grandkids.

Fast forward I guess 6 years now, she graduated college and has an amazing job. We've been married for 3 years and just bought a house. No kids yet, but life is really good and I'm really happy. We both kind of saved each other from where we were heading.

16.) From Sarah3di94:

Told my older sister and her friend that I can predict the future (as a joke).

They thought it would be fun to know their future

I predicted for my sister's friend that she will loose alot of weight (she was obese) and that she will ditch her boyfriend because she will think she can do better now and then marry a British guy. She's Lebanese and never been to Britain.

Told my sister that she will immigrate to Canada, meet a guy who's family used to live in our hometown and then they will get married

Fast forward few years, my sister's friend did a Gastric bypass surgery and lost ALOT of weight, dumped her boyfriend and met a British guy teaching in the same school she's in then got married.

My sister applied to Canada and got the immigration. Met a guy who's family lived in the same hometown as we used to and then they got married.

To this day I wonder if I did predict the future or if it was just an effect of what I said to them.

17.) From Mediumrawr14:

When I was younger I absolutely hated school. Zero interest in it. I ended up switching schools in sixth grade and knew no one there. I broke my leg really bad had to be on crutches for six and a half months during winter. I gained a ton of weight and I started to get bullied in school. I had no friends, so my mom got me into reading. I found out I LOVE books and I was actually pretty good at school when I tried. I’m still chunky but I’m in medical school now, which for sure wouldn’t have happened otherwise.

Do you vow to take this man wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for shorter and for taller?

A bride-to-be posted on the storied "Am I The A**hole?" forum, asking strangers if it would be a jerk move to request that her 5"5 fiancé boost his height with "man heels" for the photos on their special day.

Like many a story, the antagonist is a pair of Jimmy Choos from Grandma.

She wrote:

Little bit of context: So me(24f) and my now fiancé(25m) have been together for 3 years. I’m 5’3 and he’s about 5’5 1/2. Since we’re both short, height has never been an issue for us. When I wear my usual heels we’re about the same, if maybe I’m an inch or so taller.

On to the issue, as a bridal gift, my [grandma] gave me these absolutely beautiful Jimmy Choo high heels to wear to my wedding. I love them, and their definitely not something I’d be able to afford for myself so they’re a true luxury for me. The only problem is that they’d make me about 3-4inches taller than my fiancé. I know it wouldn’t matter to a lot of people, but I can already hear all the annoying comments people making about me being taller than him (when we first started dating a lot of people would say things like “omg I couldn’t imagine dating someone under 6’’!! You guys are like the same size!) plus how potentially awkward the photos could look if I’m towering over him.

I’m thinking about asking him to wear platform dress shoes or those inserts for his shoes to make him taller, but I’m worried he might be offended, or feel like I don’t like him for him. but I’m also afraid if I don’t wear the shoes it might hurt my grandmas feelings. I’m the first granddaughter to get married and this wedding is a huge deal for her. My fiancé is very comfortable and confident with himself and his height now but I know he was made fun of for it in the past, and I’d hate to be the reason those feelings come back for him. So [Would I Be The A**hole] if I ask?

Many internet strangers declared her to be the a**hole, but not a big one.

"Let him know that you'll be taller than him, and if he wants to wear boosters, he can. But you shouldn't ask him to, as it will likely make him self conscious," jessica11k commented. "As for what other people have to say about it... Screw them. It's your + his wedding, NOT theirs. If YOU TWO are happy and comfortable, that's what matters."

"[You're the A**hole.] Height doesn't matter unless you let or make it matter," elusivemoniker added.

People were both concerned about the groom's confidence and the bride's comfort level in shoes that are essentially stilts.

"What do you need 6-7" heels for? Are you really going to be dancing in those?" Opagea asked.

A man who wore lifts to his wedding chimed in with his perspective. figs8522 rules that in this case, there is No A**hole Here:

My wife is 2 inches taller than me. She asked me the same thing for our wedding. I said sure, because it's not a big deal. She wore flats and I ended up being about the same height as her for our ceremony and pictures. Not gonna lie, if you're not used to wearing heels of any kind, your feet will start to hurt after a while. So when we got to the reception site, I changed into regular dress shoes and danced the night away. He loves you. You're going to spend the rest of your life together (hopefully). This is going to end up being one of the the smallest concessions either of you will make/request throughout your marriage. Talk to your fiance. Not the internet.

What a novel idea, and an interesting suggestion for everybody: When it comes to issues with your partner, ask your partner...not Reddit.

Everyone wants to protect their kids from bad influences — but can some parents go too far?

One dad's looking for advice after he ejected his teen daughter's friend from a party due to her surly demeanor. He asked the people of Reddit's "Am I the A-hole?" community— and for once, their answers are pretty divided.

It starts innocently enough, with a birthday sleepover:

My (34M) daughter (14F) had a sleepover b-day party last saturday, and she invited 5 girls from her school.

There was this one girl that she invited who I could tell from her attitude, was a spoiled brat. When she rang the doorbell, she walked in looking down at her phone, didn't greet me or my wife, and handed me her jacket without even looking up.

Dad was irate that the "spoiled brat" friend, who he calls SB, wasn't overjoyed to be there:

The whole night she was on her phone doing whatever the heck 14 year olds do on phones. I thought she was just embarrassed or shy because maybe she didn't know anyone, but according to my daughter, she is a "super duper cool girl".

SB even snarked on the daughter's gifts:

Anyways, towards the end of the night, my daughter was opening her gifts. SB made a comment about every single gift. (not exactly snarky, but more like she was just unimpressed)

The final gift was from me and my wife, we bought her an iPhone 7 by pooling all of our remaining extra money to buy her it

the SB scoffed because she had the newest gen iPhone. I helped my daughter set up the phone with a sim card, and the rest of the night they just hung out in her room.

Later, the daughter expressed disappointment with the phone:

My daughter came down a bit later and she was just sitting on the couch, I asked her what was wrong and she just went back up while saying "why couldn't you have just bought me the newest iphone??". That was really out of character for her, as she is always grateful for receiving anything.

She left her phone downstairs and the dad snooped:

My daughter left the phone on the table. I grabbed my daughter's phone to see a bunch of texts going back and forth between SB and my daughter, they exchanged numbers and the convo went something like this:

D "hey its me"

SB "thanks for inviting me to ur lame slumber party lol, and congrats on the iphone SEVEN haha"

D "what"

SB: "arent u mad that ur parents and friends got u such lame gifts"

SB "slumber parties are for little girls lol, but wtvs its cool"

D "u dont like the party..?"

SB "I jus wish i could go home looool"

~end

The dad, who has apparently never met a teen girl before, stopped the party to kick SB out:

It was around 1AM and the girls were still up talking, I knocked and asked if I could speak with SB, she looked confused, I told her she needs to grab her things something came up. (I did this as to not embarrass my daughter in front of her friends).

He called the mom, even though SB looked teary-eyed:

I took her downstairs and asked her to call her mom, she asked why and I said "because thats what you said right? that you wish you could go home? so go." She was tearing up a bit, and made the call.

I talked w/ her mom for a bit when she came, I showed her the texts and she apologized profusely and said "its just a teenager phase I guess. I'm so sorry, but dont you think she could stay? If not I understand."

I thought ab it for a bit, but her staying probably would have made it awkward for everyone, so I told her it was best if they just left.

Now he and his wife are disagreeing about whether he did the right thing:

My wife said that I overreacted, and I should have just talked with SB rather than immediately kick her out, I firmly believe I taught her a good lesson that she needed to learn. It was MY DAUGHTER's bday, and I didn't want the rest of her night ruined because of some spoiled brat who was making it all about her. I guess she didn't exactly do anything wrong, but at the same time her attitude was unbelievable. AITA?

And the people of Reddit can't seem to agree, either.

Some, like willowwilde, think the dad was right to step in:

An actual hero! That self entitled brat needed someone to hold her accountable for being a bully. In time your daughter will understand this.

i-died-in-vietnam called the daughter's friend a bully:

you did what your daughter couldn’t and that’s stand up to a bully. It will be years before she realizes that those “cool people” in high school often time grow up to be terrible people that she would never seek a relationship with outside of that high school setting. But I wouldn’t let someone disrespect my home or my family

But pad1007 pointed out that while the dad's anger was understandable, his actions might worsen things for his daughter:

I completely understand where you are coming from.

That being said, this may have made things worse for your daughter in the long run. It’s been a while since I was a teenage girl, but I remember they can be vicious. Hopefully the girl learned a lesson, but it’s possible she may lash out at your daughter because of being sent home.

Deep-Tomorrow argues that he should've talked to his daughter about it first:

[You-re the a-hole] for not talking to your daughter first. 14 is an insane age and this girl could make her social life hell because of this

And some commenters pointed out that this behavior is par for the course in teen girls, and the daughter probably could've navigated it on her own.

Gausevern argues that his daughter is capable of handling this girl on her own:

the impulse to protect your daughter could do more harm than good, here. I would lean more toward letting her learn to deal with this girl herself (with your support and guidance, of course) rather than dealing with the situation for her. Not optimal parenting, in my opinion, but not an a-hole move, either.

And elwoodpdowdsmother came up with a bulleted list of why the dad completely overreacted.

(1) you spied on your daughter for no reason

(2) you let a 14 year old girl bruise your fragile ego and pride about the gift you bought and knee jerk reacted by ominously summoning her from the party at 1am with no explanation other than something came up which very likely made this girl think something terrible happened with her family

(3) you childishly and angrily made her call her mom in the middle of the night and seriously said “that’s what you said right, that you want to go, so go” (which was something she texted so she now knows that either your daughter ratted her out or that you spy on your daughter and can spread that information around)

She goes on:

(4) you judge this girl SO HARSHLY, having no understanding of teen angst and absolutely no clue what this particular girl has going on in her life that could be feeding this attitude

(5) you forced another parent to leave their house in the middle of the night to fetch their kid when there was no emergency situation

(6) you did all of this without having a conversation with your daughter about her wishes, and didn’t give her a chance to explain to you how completely embarrassing it is to have your angry father kick a cool girl out of your party in the middle of the night for texting rude things

And finally:

(7) you did all of this without having a conversation with your wife about the best course of action

(8) you essentially have appointed yourself judge and jury of your 14 year old daughter’s friend group with the final (and really only) say in who stays and goes

mg521 agrees:

Hit the nail on the head, one of the only sane people in this thread. OP was furious that the girl made fun of his gift and exacted vengeance on a 14 year old girl, who will in turn likely ramp up the bullying on his daughter. The people in this thread claiming OP taught this girl some sort of lesson is laughable and not based in reality. I cringe at the thought of OP self-congratulating himself based on the validation he got here while his daughter gets terrorized at school by the Mean Girls. This was absolutely an atrocious move and I feel bad for his daughter.

DanioMasher, too:

I completely agree. Point 2 is spot on, it sounds like OP was personally hurt by the texts, which he never should have been looking at in the first place. He didn't do this for his daughter so much as for himself. The texts aren't even that bad considering they came from a 14 year old. Sounds like he was offended from the start because she didn't greet him properly. Whatever, she's a 14 year old girl.

Either way, we wouldn't want to be his daughter at school the next Monday...

Work sucks, everyone's trying to get out of it — but some bosses just won't budge.

A recent Reddit thread asked people to share times when something totally bonkers went down at work and they still weren't allowed to go home. From disease outbreaks to natural disasters to dog bites, this thread has got it all.

1. Who wants to bet an employee called in this "warrant"?

Federal agents with a search warrant shut down all the computers so they could image the drives.

We puttered around for hours before we finally got sent home at the regular time. However, long lunches and gym visits were permitted. - gud_speller

2. Showing up to work... just to tell people work is closed? Infuriating.

Right after Hurricane Sandy, the bank I worked for had no power for days, so obviously we couldn't do any banking. Rather than just close, my manager insisted that the entire staff show up for shifts as usual, just so we could sit in our normal seats in our uniforms and winter jackets to tell any customers who wandered in that we didn't have power and couldn't help them with anything at all.

Just about every single person asked us some variation of "then what the hell are you doing here?" It sucked. - ostentia

3. Working with a dog bit? Woof.

I was working at a pet store and was used to being bitten by the pets we sold, hamsters, ferrets, birds - no big deal.

This day, however, as I was helping a woman who had brought her dog in, it attacked me. Luckily it was a small-ish/medium sized dog so it didn't get my face, but I had big bleeding holes all up and down one arm. The lady never said sorry, and my manager told me to go to the back, get cleaned up, and come back out and ring on the resister. So I did, with big blood splatters all over my yellow uniform shirt. - TentaclesAndCupcakes

4. Aren't there laws against this?

The air-conditioning broke down and people started passing out from the heat.

But they let us take our ties off, so that was generous. - _Ithrowsocksatcats

5. It's just a little rain!

Hurricane Katrina was going to make landfall that day, and the owner of the restaurant I was managing at the time got super pissed when I said I wasn't coming in.

He wouldn't accept that, and kept bargaining with me. "Okay, you can go in for 4 hours, and I can get [other manager] to come relieve you. No.

He was like, well go hide your keys then so we can have someone else pick them up. Absolutely.

After the storm hit and devastated New Orleans, the owner was calling me because they needed people to open the restaurant. The roof had blown off of my house, and I was asking him where was I going to live while I worked for him. He said to just get a hotel, as if he was paying me enough to afford such a thing. I also think hotels were pretty well full? Not sure. - mkicon

6. How do you pay employees from jail?

Worked for a small graphic design company fresh out of school. They used cracked software, didn't really pay anyone and were generally shady but I didn't really think anything of it, until the FBI showed up.

Apparently they also didn't pay their taxes and so my boss was taken away in handcuffs and the office was closed.

Or so I thought.

Our boss called our creative director from jail and told us to work from this seedy motel room he set up to finish up the assignment or else we wouldn't get paid.

Nobody showed apparently as we all decided now would be a good time to look for new opportunities. - whereegosdare84

7. Maybe they just wanted to attract some deer.

Someone spilled (or poured out) a bottle of deer attractant on the floor under the shelves in the sporting goods section of WalMart. Stank of deer piss for...well, actually, it probably still does. They never cleaned it, and we had ammo to sell. - becauseiamtheDM

8. Someone should've cut the power cord...

The power went out at 8 a.m., but we weren't allowed to go home. We sat around doing nothing for nearly eight hours, "just in case" the power came on. Then our boss said if it didn't come on by 4 p.m., we could go home and the work schedule would be pushed ahead a full day. Power came on at 3:50 p.m. and we had to do our full workload. - DenL2424

9. Should've seen if the robbers were hiring...

Worked as a cashier at a public swimming pool. Some guy rob us and took more than 1000 bucks from my register. Note: we were responsible for the money in the register, so while the police sort things out with management and insurance, they expected me to go to the bank, get 1000 euros as changing money and come back to work and end my shift. I quit on spot. - Poppystyle_Dicky

10. Fun fact about restaurants and bars: a bunch of the staff is probably sick at any given moment.

I was working at a hotel on the bar and as a waitress. One day a couple of hours before my shift, I started feeling really sick. I have stomach issues but knew it was different. I called and said I was not feeling great. They insisted I come in. My mum had to drive me in because I felt too sick to drive. I worked an hour, got to the point of "I'm definitely throwing up" and told them I had to go else I was going to throw up on the customers. They told me that they weren't happy and they better see me tomorrow. I had norovirus which comes on really quickly and emailed the next day saying this and that I wouldn't be coming in til 48 hours has passed.

They were generally nasty people to work for: cliquey, rude, stole tips, demanding and unreasonable. When I told them about a holiday I'd had booked since before they employed me, they asked for my flight number so they could put me on shift 4 hours after it landed, then got pissed when I was late cos my plane got delayed... - jessbakes33

11. See?

Working in mcdonalds, I was supposed to do the overnight shift but I was sick. I mean couldn't get out of bed and throwing up sick. Called that day (hours in advanced) to say I couldn't make it in. I had been working there quite a few years so they new I was competent and would never call in unless necessary. I got written up because they needed me in because the fucking HYGEINE INSPECTOR was coming in in the morning. I couldn't believe it. I quit not long after.

Edit: To clarify, I would have still been there when he arrived, looking deathly ill and potentially throwing up most of my shift whilst preparing food for customers. Part of me wished I had so I could tell him I was forced to work despite my condition but that wouldn't have been fair on the customers. - Chewy_Teeth

12. If you're not puking already...

I recently got chewed out for calling in sick with the flu. I work in a warehouse and bulk loading bag pouring sugar directly into semi trailers. Everything has to be GMP so any sort of bodily fluid anywhere needs to be cleaned properly and any sugar gets tossed.

I was vomiting and they still expected me to drive 45 minutes to stand on top of semi trailers for 12 hours and watch sugar flow - SUFvx

13. This is like something out of an '80s comedy.

I was working in the kitchen at a resort in the rockies last summer, we had a pretty high grizzly population in the area so when tourists came to stay at the resort we had bear spray that they could borrow if they wanted to walk the trails around the resort.

there was a new guy who worked at the front desk who was asked to show a couple of guests how to use the spray in case they needed to, so he slid the lock off and accidentally sprayed a big cloud of mace and basically everyone who was eating/working in the restaurant got hit with it because the wind blew it inside. It wasn’t so bad in the kitchen but one of the waitresses got it pretty bad and they asked her if she could finish her shift, and continued service as if nothing happened. - custom_kush

14. Snow, shmow!

Snowstorm dumped like 6 inches of snow the day before and then rained creating a sheet of ice on the roads. People were literally abandoning their vehicles on the sides of the highway because the driving conditions got so treacherous it was safer to walk.

I had just recently gotten an All Wheel Drive SUV, and was expected to come in that next day, while my coworker who had a two wheel drive sedan was allowed to stay at home until the ice melted. I tried explaining that AWD does not automatically mean safe to operate on icy roads (I didn't even have chains yet at the time), but that went over like a lead balloon. - Beebrains

15. Maybe he just REALLY didn't like you.

We had a really bad gas leak at our restaurant once and had to wait outside until the proper authorities could come and fix it. My boss rolls up and yells “why are you outside?! We need to be making money!!” Sir if we light up the grills we light up the whole restaurant. He didn’t care and insisted that we go back in anyway (we didn’t lol). - FuwaMaple

"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."

-William Feather

You don't have to be a morning person to enjoy these hilarious memes. Us grumpy night owls can appreciate them through groans, eye rolls, and massive gulps of coffee. A little laughter goes a long way, especially early in the morning.

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What is a wedding with a few harmless, but hilarious pranks?

The best way to express love on a wedding day (besides vowing your undying love in front of all of your family and friends) is to ruthlessly embarrass the bride, groom, or wedding parties with an elaborate prank. Weddings are beautiful, but incredibly expensive and often stressful. Every once in awhile, weddings can turn from celebrations of love to dramatic event planning that brings out the worst in people. Once the wedding day comes, though--it's time to relax, drink champagne and surrender to everything that might not be exactly "picture perfect." Nobody is going to notice those flowers aren't the right color--just say "I do" and dance.

The best way to cheer up a frazzled bride or groom is to remind them that they're getting married because they love each other and it's supposed to be fun. Here are some of the funniest wedding pranks you'll wish you were invited to. Take notes, future brides and grooms!

1. This best man who wanted to get in on the first look.

2. This bride who definitely made her groom laugh.

3. This groom who thought he was going to get the garter but actually had to chug a bottle of Smirnoff Ice.

4. When you get married on Friday the 13th...

5. This Rated R cake.

6. This nightmare of a wedding gift.

7. This groom who had a cry for help on his shoes.

8. Whoever covered the wedding getaway car with saran wrap and Post-it notes.

9. This dad couldn't help himself.

10. When you get foiled.

11. Yikes.

12. This groom who had to give his best friend some love too.

13. This duo who should start ballet who sabotaged the bouquet toss.

14. These bridesmaids who are hilariously evil.

15. This groom who got the police involved.

16. Oh boy.

Seasoned teachers know that the best way to get a message across to their students is through creative means. Long-winded lectures and earnest pleas for students to pay attention and do their homework often fall on distracted ears, but a roast joke or a teensy bit of trolling is enough to snap the kids back into line.

Of course, in the age of social media it's rare for a teacher to pull a prank or drop a shady comment without one of their students sharing the moment with their followers. So, you don't have to look far to find examples of teachers who are spicing up the classroom.

I've gathered 18 for you to appreciate, but there are plenty more out there razzing their students.

1. This professor who went straight for the gut.

2. This professor who told a student he "needs to learn how to write."

3. This fashion shade.

4. The professor who came for their student's love life.

5. The teacher who reprimanded their student's impatient sister.

6. The teacher who came for the entire class.

7. The teacher who flayed all the students who tried to cheat and failed.

8. This certificate full of shade.

9. This vivid spelling correction.

10. This professor who teased a student for constantly changing their major.

11. The professor who performed his own death as a response to test scores.

12. The teacher who finished a student's doodle.

13. The teacher who roasted student PDA.

14. The teacher who pointed out why texting is so obvious.

15. This potentially depressed teacher.

16. This substitute teacher full of word play.

17. The teacher who got creative with homework.

18. This teacher who got their point across through illustration.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it's funny that you cried about these silly things in the first place.

People on Reddit shared the stupidest reasons they ever burst into tears, and it'll take you back to the days when you cared about your Neopets as much as you cared about your real, live pets.

1. Same, BroccoliManChild.

My daughter started crying the other day because she had just finished peeing and it took too long and it was boring and she realized she has a lifetime of boring pees to look forward to.

2. motherofgecko is chill.

I was in Petsmart looking at chinchillas and the pamphlet mentioned these small marble slabs you can put in your freezer to help the chinchilla cool down. They called them "Chin-chillers" and I started bawling

3. CarrotLady misses her friend.

When I was 6 or 7, I grew an attachment to a watermelon. My dad bought it at a farmer's stand, and for some reason I just thought it was too amazing to be eaten. I decided it should be a new family pet. Even though my young logical brain knew it was ridiculous, some part of me just latched onto the idea of a pet watermelon.

A week or so later my brother chopped it in half with a machete, and I bawled for about 2 hours. I think it's safe to say that was the end of my childhood.

4. Don't cry over spilled ketchup, onefortysevenone.

I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup in the kitchen.

The thing exploded EVERYWHERE. At the time I had awful flu. I was on my hands and knees cleaning up what looked like a murder scene. Kept finding ketchup for weeks.

5. panda1901 is pho real.

I went to a Vietnamese Restaurant out of town because I’d been dreaming of good pho for weeks and there was a kid sitting a couple tables away from me who just got his bowl of pho and promptly spilled it all over himself and the floor. I hadn’t gotten my food yet and I just started bawling out of nowhere because i was so sad to see it wasted when I wanted some so bad.

6. SpongeBob is supposed to be F-U-N, exit-thevoid.

When I was 13, I cried to the episode of SpongeBob where Gary leaves SpongeBob for Patrick.

7. MarzipanShibe took Neopets very seriously.

I lost all of my money on Neopets due to a random event. I didn't realize that this is what had happened of course. I went onto the forums and said I had been hacked because clearly this is the only explanation I could think of being the early teen (14?) that I was. I was then called a liar and received reply upon reply about how you couldn't get hacked on Neopets and that I needed to stop making up stories.

I fell out of the chair, crawled to the stairs, and sobbed down to my Grandmother who went into a full on panic. She later told me she thought someone had died and I had somehow been the first to find out.

F*ck that stupid sloth character for stealing my money and f*ck that stupid avatar I got for the event. It wasn't even a pretty avatar.

8. nick717 is nice to mice.

I hate killing mice. My husband hates mice. So we compromised that we'd get live traps for the mice in our house, and I'm take them out to the woods and let them loose when we caught them.

So, caught a mouse one day. Took it to the woods and let it loose. Got back in my car to leave, and the damn stupid mouse ran right out in front of my tire and I ran him over.

I sobbed for hours. Feeling totally ridiculous the whole damn time.

9. StigsAznCousin is such a DW.

My dad recorded the '98 World Cup final over an episode of Arthur I didn't get around to watching yet.

10. Reverse_Waterfall cried over this commercial.

You know that Amazon commercial where the baby is afraid of the dog but likes a toy lion so the dad gets the dog a lion mane and the baby pets the dog? Every f*cking time. Got a lump in my throat just typing this.

11. Have an eggroll, WolfQueen93.

I was pregnant and husband joked that he was going to eat all the egg rolls we were about to order. I even knew he was joking but full on baby sobbed in the waiting area at Sonny's.

12. Butt_Stuph likes it hot.

When I was 6, my food wasn't spicy enough.

13. AtL_eAsTwOoD feels for Bruce Wayne.

I saw a "Happy Father's Day" card with Batman on the front :(

14. kittensandcardigans might have been baked.

A baked potato. It was cold. I was hormonal. My brother still makes fun of me for this.

15. kmems could have been the new David After Dentist.

After I got my wisdom teeth out all I wanted to eat was a taquito. Once I found out I wasn’t allowed to eat crunchy food I sobbed for a good 10 minutes.

16. JokersGal08 was toast.

I was on my period once and burned the last piece of bread trying to make toast. I just laid on the carpet and cried. Boyfriend drove over and made toast.

17. proleteriate is the man of your dreams.

I cry during superhero movies, like in massive action set pieces. I literally ball my eyes out in every Marvel movie.

PS: I have a penis, and was born in the 80s.

There's a fine line between bullying and a beautifully executed roast joke.

Don't be mean and hurt other people's feelings unless, of course, they really deserve it. While it's always best to keep your mouth shut if you don't have anything nice to say, sometimes a good, cut-to-the-soul, specific burn is so hilarious you remember it forever.

When a recent Reddit user asked, "What is the best insult you've ever heard?" people were ready to share their most memorable burns. Save these for your enemies, they sting like a paper cut on a lime wedge.

1. Oh my god, "somajones."

To a woman cursing at me;
"Do you kiss your pimp with that mouth?"

2. Oh YES, "ALinLOSANGELES."

(Heated discussion at an editorial meeting)

BRITISH REPORTER:"A pretty strong opinion from someone whose last book read was 'Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day.' "

AMERICAN REPORTER:"Hey man...At least I read the book. You waited for the movie. "

3. Ouch, "yaboiwakanda."

"I can always lose weight but you're stuck with that face"

4. Poetry, "bigcommo."

“You are the human embodiment of an eye floater, irrelevant yet irritating” creative and eloquent

5. Wow, "KuroKage199."

Girl: It's 5 dollars
Boy:Don't have that but can you accept d*ck
Girl:Sorry we don't accept micro transaction

6. Amazing, "bdominick1984."

My 4yr old son called his sister a wet puddle when he was mad at her lol

7. Ok, "MrPoopMan42069."

It isnt my fault your attention span is shorter than your penis

8. PERFECT, "achillestiel."

"You wet tea towel of a man." I heard it four years ago and it still makes me laugh.

9. This burns, "HerrFreitag."

"You're like the first piece of bread.
Everyone touches you but no one wants you."

10. Damn, "Stopman."

You are literally too stupid to insult

11. At least it's glorious? "XCoolguy101."

They need 7 webcams just to capture half the glory of your forehead -my friend in class to another kid

12. A climate roast! "Jegertrefftreff."

"You see that tree over there? Go say sorry to it because you are wasting the oxygen it is working hard to make for you."

13. Cold, "lita123456."

I saw a guy asking my friend for her Snapchat and her response were “for you I don’t even have internet”.

14. Oh, my. "dcforgie."

I'd ring your neck if I could find the damn thing.

15. Right through the heart, "heyybrighteyes."

I was in a bodega with these terrifyingly popular looking teen girls, and one of them snapped at the other “Ok, how about talk to me when your ankle socks match.”

Like...the SPECIFICITY made me want to die just having received contact burn and I’m a fully grown woman with a baby and a mortgage.

16. YES, "henryjyc."

Was at a seafood restaurant by the ocean where they served sashimi from fish that were just caught. This one couple complained to the chef that their fish was still alive because it spasmed when they poured soy sauce on it. He looked at the sashimi, then told them “It’s dead, like your brain.”

17. Art, "miss_peth."

“I’d call you a c*nt but you have neither the depth, nor the warmth”

When it comes to weddings, everyone is a standup comedian.

It is traditional for members of the wedding party to toast the newlyweds with a speech, and not every best friend (or Grandpa!) knows where to draw the line between "appropriate for a family affair" and "frickin' bonkers."

People on Reddit revealed the worst lines they ever heard uttered in wedding speeches, and a word of advice for the Best Men and Maids of Honor out there: maybe don't talk about sex in front of the couple's parents and grandparents?

1. Mother knows best, dontFart_InSpaceSuit.

Mother of the groom called the wife 'Elizabeth' in her speech. Elizabeth wasn't her name. Elizabeth was the name of the groom's best friend who happened to be an attractive woman. More attractive than the wife. Elizabeth is who the mother wanted her son to marry. Elizabeth was there, too.

2. RIP, Badwolf97.

The only thing the best man said was “Well, we’re all here today for one reason, a good woman died. May she Rest In Peace.” About the grooms late (first) wife, who passed away over 10 years ago.

3. Septoncellardoor has good jokes, but sets a bad example.

I was just Best Man at my brother's wedding and opened with "I was really nervous for this speech so I prepared a few lines, having done those lines, I'm feeling a lot more confident."

4. When God marries a couple, he divorces another, MiloMolly.

The Best Man getting drunk and asking his current wife for a divorce into the microphone because “she just wont f*cking leave me unless i make a big deal of it.”

5. Run, WhoDatWolfie.

The groom was giving his speech, talking about the bride's father and how her father used to threaten to kill him with a shovel, he then proceed's to lift a gift wrapped shovel, and say 'so I bought you this as my gift to you' cue and angry voice from the family table yelling 'f*ck you! I'll kill you!'

6. Vomit is worth a thousand words, SausageDeliveryBoy.

Best Man waddles up to podium, visibly too drunk. He opens up his folder with his speech in it. Opens his mouth to say his first words and projectile vomits directly over the podium. He says into the mic, "Whoops that's not what I meant to say." Groomsmen drag him off and away.

7. Ouch, rooostur.

Best Man speech: "Back in high school when Bill first told me he liked Jackie I said Jackie!? Ewww! But that's how I knew Bill really liked her for who she was as a person ." ....Jackie was not very attractive.

8. You never forget your first love, cn2092.

Maid of honor giving her speech. "We have so many great memories together. One of my favorite was when you taught me about the jets in the hot tub."

...obviously implying masturbation. In front of a room of three hundred people. Dead silence.

9. yimiguchi is proud of this one.

"I'd like to take this time to welcome the bride into our family. I've been told you have a clean bill of health so let's hope the third time's the charm."

I said that at my father's 3rd wedding. He's a two time widower.

10. Lemonlyric saw Old People Honesty in action.

I was at a wedding where the groom's grandfather gave a speech. He stepped up to the mic and said, "(Groom), I hope you made the right choice." Then just walked off. Old people waste no time speaking their feelings. Everyone cracked up. The Bride was cool about it.

11. The dad is the real loser here, wwjdforaklondikebar.

My brother-in-law's dad gave a toast where he went on an on about how his son had flunked out of college bc he couldn't get his shit together and was pretty much a loser until he met my sister.

Like, its great that you're happy my sister came into his life, but don't tell a room full of people that you think your son is a loser. Not cool, man.

12. This dad is a loser too, loud_morning_farter.

My dad made a speech at my brother’s wedding saying that if my brother didn’t get to her first he would have married her. It was so awkward and so inappropriate.

13. Yikes, Petronella23.

"Well this wedding was nice and all, but I'm sure all the married couples here know it's not a real marriage until you start having children!"

The bride was infertile.

14. Happy birthday, cola_zerola!

A groomsman got drunk and went up to give a speech and wished my husband and I a happy birthday.

15. The punchline was worth it, Megpuss.

My boyfriend's best friend made a speech at his mums second wedding (hes about 33 so they were all grown up).
He said "It's always hard being accepted into a new family as a step father but hats off to Brian especially as I heard him practicing asking me to call him daddy late last night."

16. LadyOfAvalon83's cousin seems smart.

Best man at my cousin Paul's wedding. He gave a speech about how the bride, Julia, used to love horse-riding, but after she started dating Paul she was no longer interested in horse riding. The best man said, "Women just need something big and masculine between their legs." Cue a load of shocked speechless grandparents.

17. sallylooksfat's story is cringe on multiple levels.

This gem by the Maid of Honor:

"I remember the time that Sarah was drunkenly sobbing in a Denny's and saying that she would never meet someone special enough to give her a breast exam, and that she would die alone of breast cancer because no one would perform the exam on her. Now with Tom, she doesn't have to worry about that anymore!!! Oh and Tom, if you ever break up, she'll totally find someone else to give her a breast exam so she doesn't die of cancer!!"

crickets. so painful.

Flirting can lead to a first date, a relationship, or even, eventually, love and marriage. It can also lead to rejection, awkwardness, and humiliation. Is it worth the risk? If these 20 stories are any indication, sometimes it's probably best to just avoid flirting altogether, get a pet, and pursue a life of solitude.

Someone asked Reddit: "what is the worst experience you've had flirting with someone?" These 20 people share stories of attempts at flirting that went very, very badly:

1.) From u/henny_316:

Just this morning I'm in line to order at Starbucks. The guy in front of me is casually flirting with the barista taking his order. He finally orders and she says, "This is the part where you give me $4.11." He said, "When is the part when you give me your phone number?" She said, "This is the part where I introduce you to my husband, he's standing right behind you." It was my wife.

2.) From alphagettijoe:

Back in first year, I took a girl I'd had a huge crush on to see a movie. Near the closing credits, I leaned in to kiss her, and she leapt out of the seat and screamed "NO!!!!" at the top of her lungs in the middle of the theatre. Driving her home was pretty awkward.

3.) From [deleted]:

I once saw this guy wait for a girl's friend to go to the toilet, leaving her alone, then he danced this really goofy dance (he put his arms out to the side with his elbows bent, then basically bobbed his arms up and down) all the way across the room to her, and - while still arm-bobbing - said, "hey......... wanna dance?", to which she replied "No", and he said "Okay", then did the arm-bob dance all the way back across the room to where he started in 1 slick motion.

4.) From MyDarlingClementine:

I was at a bar with some girlfriends of mine when a very handsome guy came up to me, spoke to me for 10 seconds and then shoved his shy and unfortunate looking friend in front of me with a "this is (guy's name), he's (something good and interesting)!" It was a clear to me in this moment that the handsome dude was trying really hard to Wingman his unfortunate awkward friend and get him acclimated to Talking To Girls. This for whatever reason touches my heart and so I set about having polite and friendly conversation with Awkward Dude.

Awkward Dude proceeds to chat me up and I pretend to not see the thumbs up from Handsome Friend. Awkward Dude seems to be a nice guy, just painfully shy. He asks me where I'm from about three times after I've already told him, always followed by high-pitched laughter and "I'm sorry, I already asked you that....ummm..." It's endearing -- he's clearly having 40% of a panic attack just speaking with me, and I'm being very careful to give him positive reinforcement to build his confidence.

This is when my bitchy friend comes up to me, looks at the guy, grabs my arm and says, "UGH, okay, I'm saving you!" and pulls me away. I stop her, say, "no, I'm having fun, I'll be over in a minute" and she literally POINTS AND LAUGHS at him and makes some mean joke about my "charity work".

The look on the dude's face still makes me wince when I think about it. He was totally crushed, like every doubt or criticism he had about himself was just validated, and he walked away from me as fast as he could, totally humiliated.

:'(

5.) From francescj:

I was talking to a girl in the elevator of my faculty, I asked her name as I was raising my hand to make a finger gun gesture. The space was so small I ended up touching her tits with it.

6.) From pixelguru:

When I was in college, I had long hair for [edit]being[/edit] a guy. I'm also a redhead (yes, no soul), so it was quite a mane. One brutally cold day, I was wearing a long black overcoat while pumping gas and I heard a voice behind me said "Hey baby, want to go back to my place to get warm?". I turned around thinking it must have been directed at someone else, but instead saw the most surprised old man I'd ever seen. When he caught sight of my full beard, he jumped like he just touched a live wire. He stammered "ohh.. god bless you... ohh... god bless you... " as he backpedaled back to his pickup truck, then ran over a curb trying to leave the gas station.

7.) From [deleted]:

Once in 6th grade, I was sitting in class when I noticed the girl I had a massive crush on sticking her tongue out at me in a playful way from across the room. Well, I took this as an invitation to reciprocate. Back and forth, we traded silly faces. That moment may have been the greatest of my entire childhood had it not been followed by the worst. I felt a tap on my shoulder, and spun around to see the guy who made my life a living hell (tall, good-looking, captain of the basketball team, bullied me constantly) looking at me like I had just raped his dog. Apparently, she had been trading looks with him, and I was caught in the cross-fire. Yeah, that one still stings.

8.) From senatorkneehi:

I had an uncontrollable crush on a gorgeous, tall unaffected guy named Alan my first semester of college. He lived on my floor and couldn't be any less into me. I could tell that I had a snowball's chance with him, but the hormones, they are impossible to ignore.

Being very inexperienced, I thought that creating drama would inspire him to see me as the cute vulnerable stereotype I thought all boys wanted. So I manufactured some reason to need to have a long, emotional talk in the hall and, with what I thought was superb timing, I looked up at him with big, teary eyes, paused for two heartbeats and then lunged at him for a kiss.

He called me on my shit so fast, my head spun. "I knew you were going to do that" he said. "You know I'm not interested in you. What made you think that was going to work?"

It was the first time I'd made a pass at a boy since moving to the city from the boonies and it was the first time I'd been rejected. He did me a favor in a way, though. I never used artifice or stereotypes or created false drama again.

I still wish he had let me kiss him, though.

9.) From majorpenalty:

Sigh... I was flirting with a girl in a bar (and it seemed to be going well). About a half hour into our conversation, I had one of those very strong sneezes (the ones that come out of nowhere and cannot be stopped). I ended up snotting into my hand and had a string of goo from my hands to my face when I pulled my hands away.

I just walked away.

10.) From Ramoncin:

I'm an extremely shy guy, but I was on my holidays and met this gorgeous Russian girl who works in a bookshop. I had noticed her before, so after we speak for a while I tell her I like her straight away. She says she won't date me until she knows me better, and that is OK for me to stop at the bookshop and have a chat whenever I feel like. So we do this a few times and she is very friendly despite me not hiding my intentions at all.

And then one afternoon I notice her boss is working behind her, but she tells me it's OK to chat. We do that for a while, me stopping whenever a customer enters and doing my best no to disrupt her. After a while her boss comes to me and tells me to leave. Extremely embarrased, I apologise and leave.

I come back to the shop after a few days and only the boss is there. I apologise again for the incident, and she tells me point blank that she's fired the woman and that "in the end I made her (the boss) a favor". I felt terrible and haven't come back to that place.

11.) From Stair_Car:

I used to work at the mall, and many days we would go to a certain burrito place for lunch. None of us employees knew the cute hispanic girls who worked there (one guy just called them all "Maria" by default). There was one girl there I thought was especially cute, so I decided "By God, I'm going to ask her out!" So I went to the taqueria in question and, when she asked me what I wanted on my burrito, I asked for her number. Since that wasn't a burrito topping, she paused, and then repeated the question. I looked around. There was a line of hungry, impatient people behind me. Staring, unamused. My momentum was gone. I mumbled something under my breath about "I've seen you here before" or some shit. Misinterpreting what I was asking her, she leaned over, pointed helpfully at one of the possible burrito toppings, and said "olives?" It was at that point that I realized that she did not speak English, beyond the basic vocabulary needed to make a burrito. I relented, and ate my lunch in defeat.

12.) From [deleted]:

In San Diego. My first time to SoCal. I'm from Western NY and burn like you wouldn't believe in the sun. Walked all over without sunscreen. My face was swollen and peeling, but I forgot about it because I was really drunk. We were out at the bars and I was talking to this cute girl thinking I was being devastatingly charming and she stops me and says "I don't mean to stop you, and you seem like a really nice guy but do you need to go to the hospital? Your face is really swollen". Devastating

13.) From browwiw:

Realizing that I was related to the girl I was flirting with...and then realizing that she didn't care we were related...

14.) From Kuothe:

"Hey, do you have plans tonight?" "No, my mom's not home" "And your dad?" ".. He died some years ago.. got drunk, fainted and hit his head with a table and died". "Oh..."

15.) From Toof:

My buddy had been talking about this girl he had been hanging with for awhile. He had been taking her out to various avenues and just spending time with her, but had not worked up the courage to kiss her. He finally decided to introduce me to her and tells me to meet him at this bar we go to.

I walk in, and he is nowhere in sight, so I text him and he says he is running a little late, he will show up in another hour or so. Fuck... So, I start ordering drinks and at the bar I notice this girl who is not bad looking and seems as frustrated as I am. We get to talking about how unreliable people can be, introduce ourselves, and I take her to play a game of pool.

We are flirting pretty hardcore throughout this game, with her "accidentally" brushing up against me and what-not. Eventually I make a bet with her on a shot, if I make it, she owes me a kiss... I sink the shot, make-out with her for a few minutes... yadda yadda yadda, find out it is the girl he has been seeing.

They've been together since, and we didn't inform him of this for a few months...

16.) From skippy17:

My failed flirting attempts usually involve girls not recognizing sarcasm. The favorite of these is, in response to her mentioning she was taking a class in race relations (or something like that), I reply, "That's interesting, I'm actually racist myself." Her eyes got real big and she got real quiet, "Are you serious?"

17.) From CitizenPremier:

I texted a girl I'd known for a while and asked her if she wanted to have sex, and I've never heard back from her since. I'm afraid she might have had a heart attack from the excitement.

18.) From D14BL0:

I was in line at Subway.

I was friends with the girl who was making the sandwiches that day, and she was definitely cute. The guy in front of me was hitting on her as he made his sandwiches (he had like three or four, so he was giving her a hard time for a good 10 minutes while she prepared all of it.

When he finally paid, he grabbed and kissed her hand as she gave him his change, and said in the cheesiest voice I've ever heard "Would you accompany me to the theater, my lady?"

I could tell by her face that he was going way too far, so I tapped him on the shoulder and said "Hey, that's my wife."

He goes "Bullshit, prove it."

I just about drew a blank when the girl reached over the counter and grabbed me and gave me a huge kiss. The dude turned totally red and ran out of the store.

Then she gave me extra cheese for free.

19.) From zjunk:

When I was 18 or 19, there was this cute hippie girl who I had an absolutely massive crush on. We'd been talking for a little while, and things were looking positive. So, myself and a group of folks went to meet her and her group of people in a park. Get there, everybody's greeting one another, and her and I kind of drift together to do a little "greet with a hug" kind of thing.

Hippie girl. Wearing birkenstocks.

I step in to give her a hug, and kick her big toenail clean off. Completely off.

So yeah, she's bleeding and in a lot of pain. I'm not sure what to do. 15 or 20 people are there gasping and commenting. Pretty awkward.

20.) From spitonpigeons:

My favourite ever would be just after I broke up with my first long term girlfriend. As a raver we would all go out and visit this dirty club where pretty much anything went (no bar). So I see this rather hot girl on a staircase and I was pretty fubar by this point. I'm like "hey how you doing?" we talk for a minute or so then I just throw in the question "so hey, are you single?" she goes "yeah", then I just freeze up, say nothing and stand there. After 30 secs or so she just goes " well this is awkward" and walks off. It still haunts me to this day!

Even the most dedicated monogamous couples have a list of "celebrity exceptions" they'd allow each other to hook up, if given the chance. The allure of celebrity crushes lies mainly in the fantasy aspect, they are unattainable - both in distance and status, so you don't have to worry about the real life complications of rejection that come from realistic crushes.

However, celebrities are still people like the rest of us, which means they interface with the non-famous in their daily lives. So technically, shooting your shot with a celebrity is not impossibility for everyone, although it rarely ends in success.

In a popular Reddit thread, people shared the times they tried to flirt with celebrities, and these tales range from cringey to strangely heartwarming.

1. Vercingetorix17's dad pulled the most dad move with Daryl Hannah.

My Dad slept with Daryl Hannah back in the 90's. He was on a business trip flying cross country. Gets on the plane finds his seat. Daryl is sitting next to him. They make small talk. Plane takes off, Daryl falls asleep. Her head slowly slides over until its resting on my Dad's shoulder. Dad decides he'll never get another chance, quickly rests his head on her's and falls asleep. Dad henceforth claims he slept with her, which is true.

2. BurritoStrumpet's friend got the death stare from Scar Jo.

My friend spotted Scarlett Johansson in a bar in NYC a few years back. My friend was already a little drunk, so he goes up to her and says "You look a lot like Scarlett Johansson." He says she just kind of stared at him until one of her friends told him to leave.

3. RaccoonArmy's brother really gaffed it with Jessica Alba.

On a family vacation as a teenager we had a stopover in LA. My brother happened to see Jessica Alba get into an elevator with her bodyguard. In an adorable show of courage he went over to the elevator to try to talk to her. All he managed to say was "uhh...."

The bodyguard gave him an apologetic smile and hit the button for their floor, shutting the door in his face. I don't think I'll ever let my brother forget it.

4. JaimeDeCurry tried to riff with Seinfeld.

Not really trying to pick him up, but I tried unsuccessfully to joke with Jerry Seinfeld one time. He came in to the movie theater I worked at, and after much deliberation, ordered a box of Raisinettes and a bottle of water. Thinking I was being clever, I asked "Really? No Junior Mints?"

He just looked at me over the top of his million-dollar sunglasses, shook his head and walked away. I'm sure he was laughing on the inside though.

5. aliengreenbean got cockblocked by Peter Dinklage.

True story here.

I used to tend bar in Rockaway, NJ. A film crew was in town filming scenes nearby for The Station Agent. All week the crew would come and hang out at my bar, have fun, dance around. They really were a good group of people. Good tippers too.

So this one night Patricia Clarkson was hanging out the bar, she looked gorgeous. Also this particular night the crew had a meeting in our banquette room, I guess discussing the of the next few days shoots.

So imagine an empty bar. Patricia Clarkson comes in from the banquette room and sits down at seat number 2. Seat number one is empty and is right next to the service bar entrance. She lights up a cigarette and I am eyeing up my opportunity to sit down next to her. We had made small talk earlier in the week, so I felt comfortable and confident to do this.

I'm making my way over to seat one, when all of a sudden this tiny man walks over and climbs up on seat one.

I got cockblocked by Peter Dinklage.

6. thebageljew's neighbor did a lot of cocaine with Stevie Nicks.

My neighbor used to date Stevie Nicks, they did so much coke.

7. GabeNewellHalfLife's mom really went for it.

When the Avengers was being filmed here in Cleveland me and my mom went to go check out the site of the filming and right when we were able to get up the barrier to see the cast and crew Chris Evans, in full Captain America gear came out of this large tent, when my mom next to me shouts "Hey Captain, you have a cute butt!" Right after she said that he turned around and gave a big thumbs up to the crowd. Mom's pretty smooth.

8. SugarTits1 got too nervous to seal the deal.

He's mostly a famous Irish actor but I flirted with Robert Sheehan once while I was out with my best friend (her sister is good friends with him) and he flirted back, but in a really forward kind of way that made me giggle like a school girl and I got all sweaty and nervous so nothing happened.

9. Figgywithit's friend had the best exchange with Jamie Lee Curtis.

Kind of reverse and it didn't happen to me, but it's a true story: Friend in the movie biz gets in an elevator with with Jamie Lee Curtis. He says, "Hi Jamie Lee. We've met before." Without hesitating she replies, "Oh, did I fuck you?"

10. vinsneezel got cockblocked by a Power Ranger.

I was at a party with the girl who played the secretary on 30 Rock. She was ridiculously hot. I tried my best to flirt, but I was fat at the time and kind of schlumpy and she was... So hot.

It also didn't help that she had a boyfriend who was actually a Power Ranger at the time. How am I supposed to compete with that?

11. myeyesarerocks told Paul Rudd he was pretty.

Probably a bit late, however, I used to live in Paul Rudd's hometown, and my friend worked at a local, family owned Movie Theatre. I went to see a foreign film I dont even remember the name of, and I was the only one in the who got a ticket. I was bullshitting at the counter with my friend and Paul Rudd walks in, gets his ticket to the same movie and walks in the theatre. I Asked my friend "that was paul rudd, right?!" and he told me, "yeah, he comes in all the time when he's in town to see his family"

So I take my ticket, and watch the movie, a few rows behind him. The movie's over, we get up to leave, and he comes up to me and says "hey, thanks for not being weird and taking pictures of the back of my head" and I said "how do you know I didnt?!" We laughed. I told him he was pretty. He told me he was infact, handsome. The end. I failed.

12. ALLEGEDLY_ERECT still remembers that "thanks."

Eva Angelina came into my work tonight. As she was leaving I said, "have a good night". She turned around, and I kid you not she said "Thanks" and left.

13. showmm went hot-tubbing with some WWE stars.

I had a bunch of WWF(or WWE or whatever it was called back in the early 90s) wrestlers staying at the hotel I was working at while they were on tour. I was working in the sauna and swimming pool complex. Their show finished just before we closed for the night, but the boss agreed to stay open for them. She said I should/could stick around, but I could head off into the sauna with them.

Keeping in mind this was Germany, where you don't wear any swimsuit or the like into the sauna, I went in and hung out naked with Ric Flair and a couple of other guys, talking about life and also college, bizarrely enough.

After the boss and I went with them to the hotel bar and had a few drinks. I met Hacksaw Jim Duggan and saw Hulk Hogan, but he was too surrounded by groupies to actually meet.

It was a fun, but very surreal evening.

EDIT: I suppose it's an inevitable question since I mentioned the naked bit, but I am slightly surprised by the interest in this. Most of them had their junk wrapped up behind a sauna towel. A few fan girls had made it into the pool with Ric and he was "happy to see them". He came into the sauna, gave a (by his standards) small "Whooo!" and whirled his semi around in a circle whilst doing so. To be honest, I cannot remember anything particular about his size. Certainly not small, but not jaw-droppingly large. The fact he was whipping it around in a circle was the main amusing memory of it all. I didn't see/feel/taste it at any closer distance, for all those who are curious, nor anyone else's that night.

14. ericlee25 was blessed as a baby by Santana.

I didn't flirt or pickup a celebrity buuuuuut I am told that I did have a religious experience with Carlos Santana. I wasn't even a year old when my parents and their friends went to this music festival. They stuck my mom with me and ditched her to go see some other band. She said whatever and went to see Santana. She said that because she had a baby with her everyone in the crowd just let her go to the front of the stage. Finally she gets right up close to Carlos and he kneels down and blesses me. I'm basically a black magic woman now.

15. sheaness's sister-in-law got down and dirty with Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

My sister-in-law "dated" (and by dated I mean banged a few times) Joseph Gordon-Levitt for a week or two before he left to England to film Dark Knight Rises. She went to his house and sent us a selfie with the two of them in it. Lucky b*tch.

16. UndeadBread's friend's mom got groovy with Xzibit.

My friend's mom used to f*ck Xzibit. I still don't know how she managed to pull that one off.

17. twistedlipstick had a flirty exchange with Ellen Page.

I was buying vegetables next to Ellen Page but I didn't really realize it was her. I made a witty comment about carrots. She laughed and made a witty comment back. I realized who it was and froze. But I guess I never really had a chance... since I'm a guy. Edit: for all the questions about what was said.

I don't remember since it was years ago but it was something to do with the quality of the farmers's market vendor and how if you knew a guy like me you would always know where to get the best produce. She replied with something like it was lucky I ran into her because she was the expert.

18. IllegalWorker got checked out by Charlize.

Charlize Theron once gave me the up and down look and a wink while walking through NYC once so I got that going for me.

19. TributaryOtis was gently rejected.

I shamelessly flirted with Shannon Elizabeth once. She was nice about it, but very gently let me know it wasn't going anywhere.

20. tcohboy's buddy made out with Paris Hilton.

I had a buddy flirt pretty with Paris Hilton while she was filming that reality show in Arkansas. She and Nicole Ritchie were out at a local bar with film crews rolling, and he just said "to hell with it" and walked over to her, struck up casual conversation, then peppered it with the flirting. It took around three or four minutes and they were making out. IIRC, part of their session was aired on an episode of the show.

Revenge is "sweet" because it allows you to let go of resentment and restores a sense of balance in an imbalanced situation. The problem is that an attempt at revenge can easily spiral out-of-control, causing more damage than was inflicted in the first place. When this happens, the revenge perpetrator is regretful and the victim is hurt, and no one wins. So please, plan your revenges carefully, people. Otherwise, you're out there giving karmic retribution a bad name—and hurting people, which is also bad.

Someone asked Reddit: "what revenge of yours hit the victim way worse than you thought it would, to the point you said 'maybe I shouldn't have done that'?" These 19 people share stories of revenge plots that went way farther than they intended:

1.) From PK_Thundah:

I was dating this girl and my friend saw her around town a few times, and humiliated her in an effort to embarrass me. I told him to stop bothering her, but he did it again.

That night I convinced him to try getting back together with his wildly insane and manipulative ex that he hadn't spoken to in years, thinking that he would just humiliate himself by trying.

Well, they banged and got back together for a while. And had a baby. Now they're terrible single parents.

2.) From slin25:

In elementary school there was a bully kid who would make fun of me.

I had a bad bowl cut and was pretty small so it wasn't surprising, me and my friends usually just ignored him.

Anyway one day this kid from Brazil moved into the house next to mine. He was a year older, we used to play soccer together every day after school. I mentioned to him once that this kid would call me names and usually while walking home from school would follow behind me taunting me.

One day I'm leaving school and this kid is going slowly behind me on his bike shouting stuff, just dumb kid stuff you know?

Brazil kid comes out of nowhere, knocks the kid off his bike and just starts beating him, bully is on the grass crying and bleeding.

Brazil kid grabs the bike and gives it to me "you can keep this" and then walks away.

I didn't know what to do. I just layed the bike next to the kid and walked home, he wasn't at school for like a week.

Later in life I found that kid had a really crappy home situation with abusive parents, I was 10 at the time. Always felt bad for that, quit bullying me though.

I still occasionally see that Brazilian guy, don't think he even remembers it! Cool on him for helping in his way, I just think it went too far.

3.) From smith495:

My friends and I used to pull a lot of pranks on each other growing up and about 10 years ago I was helping my buddy set up a new business. He was ordering business cards and the company he was going through was offering I think 500 or so free with a large order so we decided to prank our other friend. We made business cards with his name, phone number, home address and had his job title as "Professional Creep" with the slogan "If I'm creepin, you ain't sleepin". We passed these cards out all over town. He was getting really harassing phone calls for awhile and couldn't figure out why. After about 2 years he found one of the cards on a random fridge at a party and put 2 and 2 together. He was pissed and is still getting random calls 10 years later. I feel really bad about that one...

4.) From throwawatfjgtdtt:

Had a lawyer a few years back who was a piece of absolute shit.

1. would go months between returning phone calls

2. constantly late with court filings to the point the courts multiple times moved to have the case dismissed from lack of action

3. lied to me constantly about anything and everything

4. refused to be fired (seriously, when I told him he was fired he just ignored me and kept presenting himself as my lawyer, I had to get the courts involved to get him to stop)

5. lied about me (our client has been unreachable, we are considering dropping them (????? I TRIED TO CALL YOU 84 TIME IN THR LAST THREE MONTHS AND YOU DIDNT ANSWER OR RETURN A SINGLE ONE????))

6. when I finally did fire him, he told me I had to be in court on a specific date (that didn’t work for me) at a specific time (that didn’t work for me) or else the motion to withdraw wouldn’t be accepted. So I got to the court room and the judge was super nice but confused as to why I was there and when I told him the story the judge just goes, “yea, this is all done electronically. Not sure why your lawyer would tell you that other than to be a dick.”

Needless to say by the end of all this I was pissed and wrote a 10 page bar complaint about four different lawyers in their offices’ unethical behavior. Well, the bar association decided this was a firm wide encouraged pattern of behavior and threw the book at the four partners. Disbarred for five years, restitution to clients, and only allowed to practice under supervision for a period of 5 years after they return.

I felt a little bad, but god damn I was soooooo fucking sick of being jerked around.

5.) From SIM0NEY:

My bother and cousins were walking home from school. Well my brother and I were walking and my cousins were on bikes. They kept circling us and making fun of us because we didn't have bikes. One of my cousins then spits on me. Out of reflex, I blasted her with my trumpet case and she went flying, landed on the concrete and broke her arm. I felt awful, it was the first and last time I ever hit a girl.

My family believed every word of the story, knew this cousin was always a total bitch to me, and largely believed she had it coming. I still felt awful tho.

6.) From BAM213434:

When I was in fifth grade my teacher gave out a shit ton of homework one day so I got the whole class to help me write a letter to the principal. She found out and cried and shit. I felt really horrible because she was just trying to get us ready for a test coming up...I still feel really bad every time I think about it

7.) From grayum_ian:

My grandpa was a bit old school and gave me prison yard advice for my first week of school. He said, if anyone picks on you, just deal with them right then, don't take it. First week of Kindergarten, a grade 1 kid was pushing me around, not letting me go back to class. I pushed him down against a fence and kicked him in the face 3 or 4 times, splitting his nose. ALMOST got kicked out of school, until they found out my grandpa had told me to do it. Thing is, no one messed with me after and that guy was nice to me all the way through to graduation.

8.) From tgwinford:

9th grade Honors English class. The teacher didn't like me. Only teacher I ever had that didn't like me (others would get frustrated with how my lack of effort at times, but still liked me as a person; she just flat out didn't like me). One of the reasons was that she didn't like athletes because they would miss her class regularly for travel for games. And I played 3 sports, so I was missing a good bit. Now, I was also missing for academic stuff like math/science competitions and quiz bowl tournaments, but she was particularly bothered about missing for sports.

Case-in-point: She would intentionally double the amount of homework due the day after long away games knowing that the players wouldn't have the time to finish it all. And shocker, she didn't check homework every single day, but always checked after away games.

I've written about her before, but she also would give me 70s and low 80s on papers without any red marks on them, but people around me would have red marks all over their paper and would have 90s. After one particularly low grade on an assignment that I knew I had actually done really well on, I inquired about it. Her exact response was that I was only doing 70% of my ultimate capability and the others were doing 90% of theirs. So I specifically asked, "Does that mean my paper can be better than someone else's but be 20+ points lower?" And she said yes. And to show this wasn't just me misunderstanding things, she recommended me for an advanced writing class a year earlier than students were supposed to be able to take it.

So if those two things weren't bad enough, she gave us an opportunity for extra credit toward the end of the year. We had to go to a local college's rendition of Antigone, write a 2,500 word paper on it and tie it into what we discussed in class on the play, and also turn in our ticket and play bill. It was due on a Monday and the play was only going on Friday-Sunday, so there was no way to turn it in ahead of time. But I was going to miss class that Monday all day for an academic competition, representing the school. And it was the biggest one of the year (like had to place Top 10 in a previous competition to qualify). So it's obviously an excused absence.

I told her for an entire week prior to the play that I was going to miss on Monday, and she told me multiple times to turn it in first thing Tuesday morning. So I go to the play, write the paper, go to the academic competition Monday and place 1st in one category and 2nd in another, and then Tuesday morning before basketball workouts at 7am I go to her room to turn in the assignment. She refuses to take it because it's late, and she "didn't recall" ever suggesting that I could turn it in on Tuesday (she told me 4 times).

Her reasoning: (1) Another student that missed for the competition was able to turn it in. But that student lived across the street from the school. I lived 20 minutes away and couldn't drive. (2) My mom was a teacher at the school, so I could have just sent it with her. Except I had been told to turn it in Tuesday, so there was no reason for me to think to have my mom turn in my assignment for me, plus she has her own students and classes to worry about. (3) I could have done the work Monday evening, which wouldn't be fair to the other students. So I went into the metadata for the paper that showed the last time it had been saved was Saturday afternoon. She still refused to grant me any credit for it. So I was out the $25 for the ticket, the time that it took, plus it really inconvenienced my mom who had to pick me up Friday from practice, rush me home to shower and change, then rush me back downtown for the play, and then come pick me up again 2 hours later. So my mom was pretty pissed about it, too.

This teacher also prided herself on the fact that nobody had ever made an A on her final exam. She thought she was the toughest teacher ever (really she just loaded students up with a bunch of busy work). So the last day of class she gave a few minutes at the end of class and asked "What's your biggest wish?" to the class as a whole. I piped up "I wish for an A on the exam" and she laughed and said, "Yea and I wish for a million dollars and not to have to deal with you anymore."

So, all of that sets up the final exam. It's 100 questions and then a 5 point bonus question that asked those generic "What was your favorite part of the class? What did you learn? etc." We got 2 hours to take the exam, and students that finished early had to wait until 1 hour was up so that there was just one point of people getting up and leaving rather than being distracting throughout. So I finished the 100 questions in about 20 minutes. So I spent the remaining part of the hour just blasting her in the bonus question.

I said that I'm not sure I learned anything and pointed to her never making any comments on how to improve my writing. I said my favorite part of the class was it finally being over and not having to deal with her shit anymore and brought up a number of other little things that happened on top of that mentioned above. And I said that she was by far the worst teacher I had ever had and that the school is worse off with her teaching the entire 9th grade.

The bell rings for the hour and I'm the only person of the entire 110 students to leave at the hour mark. Now, on exam days the teacher doesn't proctor their own exam so that they are available to answer questions or if the classes are split among different rooms. So I have to wait for my mom to finish proctoring a different exam, so I'm just sitting out in breezeway. The teacher finds me, holding my exam, with tears in her eyes and tells me to meet her in the principal's office. She then storms off, so I head over. As I'm waiting there I recount what happened to the soccer coach who is sitting there cause he made some comment about "surprised to see you sent in here."

Eventually she comes back in with my mom, who she pulled out of proctoring an exam, and we all go in to see the principal. She's crying, screaming, literally choking every minute or so. After about 45 minutes of me spilling everything I'd gone through that year (all things I'd already vented to my mom about plenty of times), the principal finally looks at her and goes, "How much was the question worth?" She said 5 bonus points, and he says, "Then just don't give him the bonus points."

So I made a 98 on the final instead of a 103. Missed 2 questions. Every other student got the bonus points and the next highest grade was an 81.

Thinking she would get the last laugh, I noticed a few days before grades were due that one of my assignments from the second week of class all the way back in August had been dropped 10 points. My final grade ended up being a 94.4 which was a B at the time. But I couldn't prove that she had altered my grade, I just had them in all in a spreadsheet to determine my grade ahead of time (should have been a 95.2) but nothing that would prove anything, since I could have just typed it wrong (I didn't).

The summer after the school decided to change to a 10 point scale and so 90+ was an A, so my B became an A. She also had to have her homework assignments each week signed off by the department chair and she had to start accepting assignments via email. 2 years later she was fired after other students started having real issues with her. Prior to me the administration just thought it was a case of "students complaining about the hard teacher."

Still think she deserved every bit of it, but I certainly didn't think it would set in motion her getting fired. Though, again, she deserved it. Hopefully people are still reading. She suuuuuuuuuuuucked.

9.) From Synyster328:

A kid on my track team would always come by and take a drink of whatever I had with me. I was sick of it and brought a root beer with me which had been spiked with 3x the recommended dose of root beer-flavored exlax. Sure enough he came by and I said you know what Tony, why don't you just take the whole thing. Well we were having a home meet that day and he was our best pole vaulter and part of the relay team.

I thought maybe he'd feel a little off and under-preform. In the midst of our warm ups, he went missing and was absent the entire meet.

10.) From naturemage:

Back in my early twenties I was working a shit job in the mall. I'd only been working there for about a month when I was promoted to keyholder over a guy who started before me. The dude had been a real flake as long as I'd known him, so I wasn't surprised. Apparently he'd been promised the position and was really upset at me.

For the next month he was a huge dick to me. Swiping sales, complaining to the manager about me, "slyly" fucking up cleaning projects or displays I had done and informing the manager that I'd failed to do something. After a full month of his bullshit I eventually snapped.

At a few of the local plant nurseries you can buy jars of ladybugs for ten bucks. I bought three, which was somewhere between two and five thousand ladybugs. I swiped his keys from the break room while I was on lunch, found his cute new saturn, and dumped all three containers on the floor of his back seat.

We closed together that night, so we ended up waking out to the parking lot together after dropping the cash off at the deposit box. I was parked further out, so he got to his car before I did, and i was able to get a peek at my handiwork. It looked like something from a horror film. The ladybugs had swarmed the entire inside of his car, and in the dim light you couldn't really tell what they were- only that the car was full on infested with bugs.

The dude had a fucking breakdown right there in the parking lot. Just absolutely lost his mind. I enjoyed the scene at first, but the longer it went on the worse I felt. After he calmed down enough to start making sense he barreled into this monolog about how he was sure it was the girl from the pretzel stand because he'd been such a huge asshole to her, and he starts crying. He goes on about how he deserves this for being so awful, and then apologizes to me for being such a dick, and keeps going on about how he brought this on himself. It was pretty bad.

I offered him a ride home, now feeling really guilty, and when I dropped him off he thanked me for being so nice to him, despite all the awful stuff he'd done. He said his mother was undergoing cancer treatment and it wasn't going well. Oof. He apologized again and I didn't see him for a few days.

Shit between us at work improved a lot, but I still felt guilty as fuck. He had to sell the car a few months later because the Texas heat had killed all the ladybugs and he couldn't get the smell of them out of the vehicle. His mom died a little while after that and he ghosted the job.

Fuck, I still think about that dude even now. The revenge felt so righteous when I did it, but afterwards it was nothing but guilt.

11.) From Iamlennard:

I think i was 15 and was in class and sat next to a friend of mine. He, for no reason, began to say: "HAHA your bald father" which I followed up with "HAHA your bald mother". He started crying and ran to the teacher. I honestly forgot his mom had cancer and was getting chemo.

12.) From SEIVIP:

Had a roommate who basically let his new GF move in to our house in college. She helped herself to everything in the house but never contributed. Finally she parked in my parking spot and that was my breaking point. I let all the air out of all of her tires, thinking she'd just air them back up and it would be an inconvenience. Instead she ended up buying all new tires. Whoops. Never came clean about it.

13.) From Gdlk_Abe:

Back in middle school a friend of mine threw a small wadded piece of paper at me. I retaliated by throwing the only thing I could find, which was mud close to my shoes. Smacked him right in the face with it. Worst part is, it turned out to be dog shit that was at the bottom of my shoe. I still vividly remember his angry "wtf man I throw paper at you and you throw dog shit?"

14.) From d1andonly:

Way back in elementary school a friend threw a piece of chalk that hit me square in the forehead. It was the most humiliating moment for younger me as everyone who saw that started laughing their asses off (kids are assholes).

I plotted and planned my revenge, to get back in the exact same fashion over the next couple of days. One fine day weapon in hand, I find him perfectly placed a chalk-throw away from me.

I yell out his name and quickly launch the projectile as he spins around. For some reason he had his mouth open as he looked at me and the piece of chalk flew directly into his throat. His eyes widen and he starts choking. I stood frozen in shock as he fell on his knees coughing. Luckily somebody grabbed him from behind and thumped his back, so he swallowed the piece. An adult walks in, cannot remember who it was at the time, but she looks at me and asks what happened. At this point I'm shaking realizing that I narrowly killed my friend. I say it was a mint. My friend, also shaken at this point, laughs it off saying it went straight into his throat and he didn't taste it. The adult shakes her head and says next time just hand it like a normal person and walks away.

Years later when we were moving away to another country I remind him about the incident and come clean about the whole thing. He snaps and yells "I knew it!"

15.) From AfroMidgets:

When I was about 7 or 8 there was this girl at my school that was absolutely horrible, we'll call her Cindy. Cindy would run up to you and pull your hair out, steal the toy you were playing with, eat your snack at snack time, etc. In other words, she was a real bitch.

One day as we were finishing up recess in the playground, she came up to me, pulled my hair, and took some with it. That was the last straw. As the teacher was gathering everyone inside and wasn't looking our way, I grabbed Cindy by her pigtail and dragged her over to the playground. Now this playground was built weird with a sort of enclosed area in the middle of 3 bridges that formed a triangle that you couldn't get out of. Sometimes us bigger kids would jump in there during hide and seek and climb out later. But Cindy couldn't because she was shorter. So I picked her up and threw her down in there and left to go back inside. It wasn't until about an hour later when the teacher realized that Cindy wasn't in class. I didn't say where she was and it took them another half hour to find her. I got in trouble and had to spend the next week in the principals office (and lost my Gameboy for a month), but Cindy never messed with me again.

16.) From KradeSmith:

When I was a kid I was at a local river (a great swimming spot lots of people came to). My friend pushes me in the river and naturally I came up spluttering and a little red in the face, but it was all in good fun. For the rest of the day I planned to get her back, waiting for my opportunity to push her in, until she was at the edge of the river drying off. I pushed her, but her flailing and the slippery nature of the rocks she was on made her slip on the spot, and instead of just splashing into the water, she landed on her back hitting the rocks hard, and then fell into the water.

She was winded, but thankfully otherwise unharmed. Our parents were furious at me, and I just spent the few seconds it took to get her out (felt like a lot longer to me) just hoping I hadn't broken her back or something.

2/10 revenge. Would not do again.

17.) From I-Am-Worthless:

Idk what it was, but a lot of the boys in my sixth grade class thought it was hilarious to try and trip people. They’d get your ass no matter how careful you were. Well I was pretty good at avoiding it, but when I was in gym class this kid named Joey got my ass hard. I was dribbling down court and he nailed me. I face planted hard. So I thought about how to get him, and I got him at lunch. He was holding a lunch tray, so his hands weren’t as useful. He nailed a table and lost a tooth. I got suspended for 10 days, and a strict no tripping policy got implemented, immediate suspensions if caught. Shit sucked, my dad beat my ass raw. Sorry, Joey.

18.) From Fielder57:

A room mate poured water on me while i was asleep. So i filled all his shoes and the pockets of all his trousers with Chilli Powder. I didn't realise the powder had dye in and it stained everything red, Including any shirts he had tucked into work trousers and a lot of items he washed with them.

19.) From FlipZer0:

Coworker and I had a friendly prank war spanning two years. Close to the end of our war he "iced" my car.

Icing involves taking the hose to the parking lot every half hour and spraying a light mist over your victims car when it's below zero out. I finished my 12 hour shift to find a car encased in 2 inches of ice.

My revenge was, I thought, both more inconvenient for him and less freezing my balls off for me. I decided to take a bed sheet, drape it over his car, and only took 4 or 5 trips out with the hose the next night.

So the next morning he finds his car with a quarter inch of ice freezing a sheet to his car. When he started peeling off the sheet he pulled his windshield wipers, arms and all off of his ratty jeep.

I got a very pissed off phone call. I felt bad, the unwritten rule was "embarassing or inconvient, no damage". I paid for repairs, and he got his revenge. He planted a dozen pieces of smoked herring throughout my car. Took me 6 months to find the last piece. Hidden under the carpet under the back window of my car. I can still smell it, I don't even own the car anymore....

In most cases wills aren't funny documents, they're papers full of jargon that remind us of the inevitability of death and the fact that even in death, money is a factor. But occasionally, people break the mold and get truly creative with what they leave to whom, and how they word those delineations.

After all, the will is yours to mold, so you can get as petty or outrageous as you want within legal possibility. The only downside is you won't get to see the look on everyone's face as you troll them last one time, but some things are best left to observe from the abyss of the afterlife.

In a popular Reddit thread, lawyers shared the funniest and pettiest wills they've drafted for clients, and it proves that even death can't stop you from getting the last laugh.

1. namastemeanshello's professor drafted a will for a man who was very specific about baseball.

My professor just said that he had someone in the early 80's that left his three sons and grandsons his extensive baseball card collection. It seemed normal when my professor first heard of it but then he was a handed a handwritten chart that had several hundred cards listed with the name of the recipient and why that person was getting the card. "I leave this pitcher to bobby because bobby can't throw worth a damn."

2. motherinlawstongue had to bury a man on his motorcycle.

Did a few pro bono wills up on the reservation. This big guy asks me to give everything back to the tribe because he has no living immediate family. No problem. Then he has one exception: his Vietnam era motorcycle. Said it was the first thing he bought after getting home. Wants to be buried with it. I should clarify, not with it, literally on it and in riding position. I helped him set aside the funds necessary to do it and have a lot prepaid for. Dude was awesome!

3. Abronasty still doesn't know whether the will was petty or sweet.

A client had two sons. He left a whole bunch of specific distributions to one of the sons--his truck, gun collection, etc.

To the other son he specifically left one thing--a poster of himself in high school.

No idea if there was some significance/sentimental value behind the poster or if it was more of a "look at what I'm giving your brother--and here's a poster of me so you will never forget that I loved you less."

4. Redheadeddanger's mom works for a man obsessed with interest.

My mom only works for crazy rich people. The worst will she ever told me about was this old guy who was close to 90. He wanted it so that when he dies, all of his millions will go into a trust for his kids and his kids will never be able to touch it, but they can collect the interest it generates.

So he had my mom set him up with this group of accountants who will manage the trust, and he specifically arranged a plan with them to manage the account in such a way that their yearly billing will almost exactly match the interest to be made. So when he dies his kids will inherit millions but will only be able to spend like 35 dollars a year from it. 35 dollars that the kids have to split between them.

5. JD_McGregor still remembers the Great Stork Derby.

In law school I once read about the [Great Stork Derby] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Stork_Derby)

An eccentric wealthy Toronto businessman and lawyer in the 20s left the bulk of his estate to the woman who could have the most kids in the decade following his death. The courts upheld the clause and eventually 4 women split the inheritance with 9 kids each.

He also left a bunch of other crazy terms including a vacation home in Jamaica to 3 people who hated each other under the terms that they had to live in the estate indefinitely and brewery stocks to teetotaling ministers if they participated in its management.

6. OriginalSasquatch truly hopes their dad is joking.

My Dad teases my brother and I that his will has a stipulation that he be cremated and his ashes baked into a loaf of bread and that my brother and I have to eat said loaf of bread to qualify for any inheritance. The scary thing is my Dad is a lawyer...... who writes wills.

7. jonfromwalmart remembers reading about the rope will.

I remember reading about a fellow who wrote "And to (person X) I leave 50 cents, with which he should buy a good, stout rope to hang himself with, and thus rid the world of his wretched existence"

Edit: GUYS. This was a long time ago. Yes, a rope today costs more than 50 cents. I know. Shut up about it.

8. AlwayzHaveEnuff knows a baby with a nice car.

54 year old, very wealthy, no children, not married.

Left his 6 month old (at the time of drafting) nephew a 1980 Lamborghini Countach LP4000 S.

Had no idea, had to google it. It is expensive.

9. deepfeels96's mom has a client who lives (and will die) for the drama.

My mom is in probate law.

A older woman had many requests, including changing the people in her will several times a month, adding and subtracting certain family members she had a falling out with. However, her funniest request was that the entire family be called to the law firm and the will be read aloud like on TV. I can only imagine her watching her afterlife like a soap opera.

10. crimsonlaw drafted a will for a man who doesn't understand how money works.

Had a guy be extremely charitable when we were drafting his will. Million to his church, two million to a local hospital, another two million to the American Heart Association.

When we gave him a quote on how much it cost to draft the will (it wasn't much because it was a rather straight forward document), he asked for a payment plan. He couldn't afford the will.

Dude had no money.

He thought you could just leave money to people/organizations and the government would foot the bill. He was also the sort that became visibly angry talking about welfare and government "hand-outs," which made his thinking even funnier to me.

11. FutureDrMadi is in a pie competition for a car.

My grandpa originally had just two grandkids, my brother (17) and I (22). He has a collection of nice cars. Originally, I was getting his two corvettes and my brother was getting his Cadillac and a race car. Well, my aunt and uncle finally coughed up some kids, and my mom is about to have another baby, so now there's 8 grandkids. He's announced that he will be having a contest for the cars. The contest is to make him an apple pie that tastes just like his mother's.

12. DressedForDisaster's friend struck a golden friendship.

A good friend of mine looked after this old lady. She was his neighbor and as far as he knew she had no family. So every day he was at her place when he wasn't working. I met her a few times, sweet old lady. She had 3 cats that were here babies. Spoiled them to no end. Had a "cat room" for them with 3 separate beds and 3 separate litter boxes, bowls, etc.

Well one day after looking after her for a few years he walks in to find she passed in her sleep. Later he finds she named him in her will. He gets to the reading to find 3 20sum ladies there too. Finds out they are the ladies daughters. Turns out the lady had moved across the country unannounced a few years earlier and dissapeared from the daughters lives.

The old woman left my buddy 19. Million. Dollars. She left the cats to a lifelong friend from her home state. Donated all her belongings to Salvation Army. Left her daughters each "A single litter box and all of its contents." Along with each a single $20 bill to "Give them each a last taste of all she was to them."

Sweet old lady is my hero.

13. FreakingEthan saw a will that kept the grudge alive.

Once saw a guy leave to his estranged son "the sweat from my balls"

14. grypson has a client with sick wishes.

I am indeed a lawyer, and this happened this week: client wanted to cremate her alive and healthy, animals when she passed away.

15. Nik_Tesla's parents need to update their will.

I have two younger siblings. but my parents haven't altered their will in a long time. So it reads:

"all assets shall be devided up between Nik_Tesla, Nicole_Tesla, and any other children we may have."

So we poke fun at my youngest sister for just being "any other children we may have"

Also, I'm the only son, of an only son, of an only son, of an only son. So my grandfather put in his will that I was to get $1000 for every child that bared bore my last name (legitimate or not). I was six at the time.

16. pangetmosandro's client went out with one final neighbor joke.

I once had a guy leave a box of used condoms for his neighbor of 13 years. Neighbor found it funny.

17. swow24's grandma is going out tits up.

Upon her death we read the will of a my grandma, a very serious lady, that she had to be wearing a push-up bra if there was an open casket.

18. bass_whole had a client who gave their ferrets the world.

Filthy rich man was the owner of two pet ferrets at the time of his death. He f*cking loved these ferrets, and wanted to ensure that these ferrets were taken care of when he passed, so informed his sons that the ferrets were to receive all. of. his. property.

19. TotallyAGrammarBot's uncle had incredibly specific instructions.

My uncle wanted to: 1: Be cremated

2: Mix the ashes into gunpowder

3: The gunpowder put into bullets

4: Half the bullets shot in the general direction of his homeland (in asia)

5: The other half distributed with a lottery system based on which people listed in his will have the most guns

6: Most of his money given to the bearers of the bullets.

7: The bullets must be fired within a year or we lost the money.

Yea, he liked guns.

20. coughdrop01 went to an ice cream party paid for by a mysterious dead person.

I am not a lawyer, but when I was in college someone died and left money to the college and in the will it said, "I don't care what you do with the money, throw the kids an ice cream party or something" And that is exactly what the money was used for, they threw a gigantic ice cream party.

If you are a full-blown true crime addict like I am, these memes will be hilariously relatable. Between all of the podcasts, documentaries, and tv shows flooding our consciousness, it's a wonder we trust ANYONE at this point.

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A 35-year-old woman asked the People's Court (aka Reddit's"Am I The A**hole?" subreddit) whether or not she would be a jerk not to get an abortion after a one night stand with her boss resulted in fertilization.

The woman wrote of her long-held desire to be a mother, and her boss's absolute fury upon hearing the news.

feelingunwelcomed posted:

I (F35) [a 35-year-old woman] have been told my entire life by doctors I would never be able to have kids. So imagine my surprise when I have a one night stand with my boss (M50) [a 50-year-old male] and I get pregnant. I found out I was pregnant a month ago. We had our one night stand in the first week of October. I was overjoyed and finally felt complete. I am currently about 20 weeks and my boss found out yesterday when he came back from a sabbatical he took for 2 months. He’s MAD. He tells me I have to get rid of it.

I then found out he had a wife and a whole entire family which I NEVER knew about. (btw i work at a private law firm and he owns it with his brother) He says he can’t have a child with me and even after I explained to him my fertility issues he said I have to get rid of it. In our area I could technically get an abortion right now. I told him i’m not getting rid of it and he’s saying I ruined his life. We used a condom, he’s the only man i’ve slept with in the past 5 years. All my exes have left me because I cannot get pregnant so to me this is a miracle. In our area he would be required to pay child support, no matter what. I want this baby and I think I'm gonna keep it. He’s saying i’m ruining his life. I even recently found out it was a baby girl. My sister is on my side but her husband spent the better part of yesterday reaming me for forcing him to have a child. My boss is saying I’m gonna ruin his family and his kids life. So, [Am I The A**hole] for keeping my baby?

In feelingunwelcomed's lives, people appear to be divided on strict gender lines.

The strangers on the internet, however, have ruled that she is Not The A**hole, and that the boss man ruined his own darn life by cheating.

puesyomero got over 8,000 upvotes with her succinct ruling:

[Not the A**hole], in order

your body your rules

sex was consensual for both parties

cheaters get no sympathy

TexFiend sided against the boss, but was critical of the fact that the woman slept with her employer in the first place:

If he didn't want his wife to find out he's having affairs, then he shouldn't have had affairs.

If anything in his life is ruined by this, he did it to himself.

If you want the baby, then keep the baby.

But FFS learn from your mistakes here.

Don't sleep with your employer. Just don't.

Because you're now in an awkward af position at your place of employment. The place you get your income from. The income you use to survive.

Some people are suspicious whether or not the story is even real, because it's pretty hard to hide a huge secret like a wife and kids in the age of Instagram.

Aesael_Eiralol is of the opinion that if it's real, then Everyone Sucks Here:

He slept with a subordinate and cheated on his wife, he sucks. No excuse for those. Take those away, and you're left with a man that used the only contraceptive option available to him short of invasive surgery, being forced to pay for a child he clearly did not want...and I would wager to guess you also told him you "couldn't have". I'm not saying you did this to mislead him in any way, and your baby really does sound like a miracle. I would just ask that you think about what this kid's life is going to look like, as I think you are putting your desire to be a mother ahead of the wellbeing of the child.

Either way, this woman should probably get a new job just in case her boss finds her Reddit account.

Every human experiences anger sometimes; some of us experience it every single day, screaming bloody murder at our phone when our alarm goes off (it's healthy, I swear!). Other people stuff it down, swallow it, or medicate their anger with food or booze or pharmaceuticals. But anger must come out eventually. This is why people who seem the most calm are often prone to the biggest meltdowns when pushed past their breaking points.

Someone asked"generally calm people" of Reddit: "what made you lose your absolute shit that time?" These 19 mellow people share what happened when they were pushed past their breaking points:

Surprisingly, only one of these meltdowns happened at the DMV.

1.) From MikeOxbigg:

My brother and I played travel sports for a few seasons as kids. One trip, I was at the pool with some of his teammates messing around in the water and the coach's kid was being a dick as usual. My brother was one of the smaller kids on his team so the coach's son would fuck with him a lot. Most of the kids on my brother's team disliked him but didn't speak up so they wouldn't be next. He thought it would be funny to pick up my brothers drink right in front of him and spit into it.

My dad taught me from a young age not to let anyone fuck with my brother or sister, so I got seriously pissed. I took a good running start and shoulder checked him into the pool. Since he had just gotten there, he hadn't taken his clothes off yet and cried because his phone and iPod got ruined. He literally ran out yelling, "I'm telling my dad!"

Well that backfired, because everyone stuck up for my brother and the coach was not happy to find out what a shitbird his son was being so he was the only one to get in any trouble.

2.) From UnPhayzable:

My grandfather passed away so I told my boss that I had to take a couple of days off to be with my family. He had the nerve to tell me work was more important than family and threatened to fire me. I went off on him in the middle of the office for a solid 5 minutes before quitting and rushing home.

3.) From Back2Bach:

I had things all set up to play piano with a string quartet for a wedding ceremony in church.

The grand piano was up front, near the couple, and the organ in the rear to be used later.

When I entered the church, I found that the florist had placed a large vase of roses on the grand piano, using the sheet music for the string quartet underneath the vase to absorb water.

Rarely do I lose my cool, but I did that time. Members of the string quartet told him in no uncertain terms where he could stick those roses as they tried to salvage their soaked music scores.

4.) From Srasja:

I can remember that day like it was yesterday...

I was home packing my stuff to get ready for when my husband was out of basic training.

I NEVER yell or even raise my voice to hardly anyone ever.

My dad has always had a wicked temper, and my sister also had a knack for starting yelling matches with him.

One night, she forgot to do something she was supposed to, and the yelling started again. I ignored it up until he called her stupid. It got under my skin so I spoke up a little saying that he shouldn't call her that. He hollered back, "You are MY daughters, I can talk to you however I want!" That's when I snapped.

I saw red for the first time in my life, and I completely lost it. I screamed back at him at how I was tired of him treating us like garbage when he lost his temper, at how we hid in the back room with my mom until he cooled off, and how all I wanted was to visit my family before I had to move over 12 hours away from them. I also threatened that if he EVER wanted to see me again, then he needed to shut up and sit in the corner until he was done throwing a fit.

I yelled at him for the first time in my life for a solid 30 minutes. I didn't stop until everything I had to say built over the years was out, and I saw him go from red-faced angry, to what seemed to be guilt-ridden.

When I finally stopped, he was quiet. He didn't say a word and walked away.

Shortly after I moved out, he went to a doctor and has been put on some medication to help with his anger issues.

Now he's super friendly, and I haven't heard him throw a tantrum like he used to in over 10 years now. He has never spoken poorly to me or my sister since then either.

5.) From McPansen:

This happened in some club ages ago. I was bouncing around on the dance floor with everybody else and apparently stepped on some dudes foot who had been standing there with his posse of 2 or 3 other guys watching people.

I shrugged and apologized, then turned around to leave. Right then "somebody" smacked me in the back of the head. Not hard, but too hard to ignore. I turned around still calm and said something like "Look, I'm gonna walk this way, you guys stay here and nothing more needs to happen".

Turned around again, got smacked in the head again. I was very much pissed off at that point. It didn't help that they looked at me all innocent. I couldn't even tell which one of them did it. So I just stuck my finger in the face of the dude who's foot I allegedly stepped on and recommended he don't do it again. Turned around once more, waiting to get smacked in the head again.

This time they poured a glass of beer in my back. That's when I completely lost my shit. Threw myself around and went straight at the guy. I was in full rage mode, didn't care what happened next as long as that guy suffered. I could tell by the terrified look on his face he realized he had gone too far. His friends never stepped in to help him. After a while people separated us and that was that.

I have no sympathy at all for people who resort to violence for solving their problems but feel no shame for having snapped in that situation. I think I did everything in my power to avoid what eventually happened.

6.) From Realm500:

So earlier this year, my health insurance got messed up. I started making too much money to qualify for my state's medicare so healthcare.gov requested a notification from njfamilycare to confirm I wasn't on it anymore. So in January, I called them to get said notification. They say "yeah you should get it in a couple weeks". It never comes.

Unfortunately I had forgotten about it until healthcare.gov sends me a message that they're going to raise my insurance costs if i don't get them the message in the next 2 weeks. So I call njfamilycare again and explain to them the situation. They once again claim they're going to send me the notice and don't. So now, after getting an extension from healthcare.gov about this I call up njfamilycare once more and attempt to explain the situation, politely requesting the cancellation notice. But the woman on the phone gets an attitude with me saying some stupid shit like "UMMM, you know this is the cancellation department right?" and I lost my shit.

"what the FUCK is your PROBLEM?! I don't understand why the FUCK you can't just send me this FUCKING LETTER. What's happening over there? Just look in the fucking file and CANCEL IT. Yes, you BITCH, I know this is the cancellation department, I WANT A NOTICE THAT IT'S CANCELLED."

I must have scared the shit out of her because the next thing she said was "... uh I'll go get my supervisor" who solved the problem in 10 minutes and I got my cancellation notice 3 days later.

7.) From 22dunix:

My friend is bad with math, i was explaining a thing once, it took 10 minutes, he tells me he doesn't get it, so i sit there and explain this thing more deeply, took 30 minutes, he's like: takes in-ear headphones out of ear(he was covering it with his hand) Oh sorry i wasn't listening to You, found this amazing radio recently

I lost my shit.

8.) From TheEntireSumOfDucks:

I worked at a diner with an open kitchen (you can see us and we can see you). I'm the only cook during the lunch rush when I hear a lady shout "hey!". I look over and a lady sitting in a booth points at me and then does a very condescending "come here motion" with her finger. I thought something was wrong with her food, so I decide I can run out of the kitchen (leaving 4 orders on the grill) and see what I need to fix. She has no food on her table. She holds her blue soda cup out to me and asks "what is this?" "Uhhh excuse me?" "Why is my root beer in a soda cup and not a mug?" "I... I don't know I'm just the coo-" "oh great another fucking idiot in this fucking place who doesn't know anything!" She then proceeds to chew me out, because I, the cook, do not know why the server gave her root beer in a cup. (We have special root beer mugs but the servers couldn't find them, someone misplaced them). I apologize and head back into the kitchen while she's loudly talking crap about me to the next booth to find that all of my orders are ruined (and more had been coming in). It's already stressful working in a kitchen and that was the last straw. I went in back, started screaming and kicking the shit out of the walk-in cooler.

When I went back out everyone was quiet and avoided eye contact, even the lady with the issues (still looked pretty mad though). I rushed through the orders and thank God she left without saying anything. I didn't get in trouble though since my manager was serving and had to deal with her as well. He understood.

9.) From wahltee:

I was in charge of a rollover trainer once at a military training site. Think of a Humvee on an axle that spins...like a roll over accident. Part of the safety brief before anyone goes in is too empty their pockets of all items. Take any items on belts off. We have rubber items inside to simulate shit flying. We do this for safety sake.

Part of the training is we stop the trainer on its side/roof, so the participants can get exposure to assisting the other passengers and exit the vehicle safely and quickly.

It’s been a long ass boring as shit day. It’s got, and like all good Army training, I am hungover and irritated. All officers, and they aren’t listening for shit. We stopped the exercise on the roof for a group, and they all exit except one who can’t undo the set belt.

I open the door, and reach in...and placed my hand on a dual edge 4 inch boot knife. I absolutely lost my shit. I saw red, my ears burned and I distinctly remember seeing one of the other instructors mouth “Oh Shit”.

I chewed out every fucking officer there. ALL of whose outranked me, many of whom outranked my commander. Didn’t matter, as my position was Safety Officer. I went on a Tirade.

I turn around after it was done, and my best friend is fucking recording it on his phone. That prick showed that clip the rest of the week and for years after him. I miss that fucker every day!

10.) From EnIdiot:

My son was maybe 8 months old and had recently diagnosed as profoundly deaf. Deaf kids will often inhale to make vibrations and noise that they can somewhat “hear” for stimulation. We were on pins and needles as I had just lost my job and our insurance and the cochlear implant surgery was going to cost us $170k. We’d have to sell the house and one of the cars. We needed a break and our in laws took us to the food court at a local mall. Our boy started to inhale and gasp.

“He needs a beating,” a fat twenty something said no so quietly to her friends at the table next to us.

I rarely curse in public and am generally non-confrontational, but a stream of insulting profanity issued from my mouth for a good 10 minutes that would have put a sailor to shame. I found it couldn’t stop and it got on the verge of Bukowskian poetry. I insulted her, her mother, her weight, and her pinched faced friends. I launched into the smell of her twat, how fat she was, how she’d only be able to reproduce with a blind drunk moron with a deathwish as she was uglier than the devil’s asshole on fire with the shit of hell. And it only progressed from there. F. Lee Ermy’s Marine Drill Sargent from Full Metal Jacket would have told me to tone it down a bit. I told her he was deaf and that we couldn’t stop it and this was a goddamn food court in a pissant Southern town filled with pissant inbred motherfucking hellspawned redneck ignorant mutant troglodytes that embarrass normal troglodytes.

The food court was silent and all the eyes were upon us.

And then it progressed from there.

She got up and left crying.

I can honestly say the whole rant was involuntary, like a puss-filled boil popping and draining in a torrent. I had never done anything like this before and have not done it since. I feel bad for her to this day.

11.) From timefortrees:

My 7th fucking trip to the DMV when trying to reinstate my license. Every single time they scrutinized my paperwork and always managed to find something “wrong” and would send me away to fix it.

On this 7th trip, they finally resorted to, “you have no proof that you ever had a license,” despite my piles of paperwork showing my driving record, among other things.

I refused to leave the seat and said, “you people are fucking monsters.”

A manager was called. we argued, he said he believed that I had had a license, but there was just no proof, and he couldn’t risk accepting my paperwork in case someone checked it.

I said I refused to leave the seat until I knew exactly what was needed. Manager said, “tell you what, I can contact <last state I lived in>,” and could get a verification that I had had a license there. It would take 3 minutes.

That’s when I yelled in the DMV, “WHY WASN’T THAT THE FIRST FUCKING THING YOU SAID?”

Anyway, I got my license back.

12.) From recoveringfarmer:

I grew up on a farm and one day several cows decided that since their head could fit through a small hole in a gate then their whole body could fit through a small hole in a gate. This resulted in a broken gate, a cow stuck in the broken gate, several cows roaming freely in a field after escaping through the broken gate, and me absolutely losing my shit.

I now work in IT. Cows are dumb.

13.) From Jeyrus:

In sixth grade, a group of some four kids took monopoly of the back of the bus--a true power move. I always minded my own business and tried to sit away from them. For one, they all didn't understand basic hygiene and smelled even though they were older than me. Anyway, turns out the bus driver was their quiet, retired Grandpa, who would never tell them to stop bullying or doing dumb shit.

So one time they have a fucking spitting war, as in they spit across the seats at each other as they jump seats for cover. At one point I was the seat in the middle, and a giant wad of their disgusting spit hit me square in my face.

I then proceeded to take my Pearson history book--one of those big heavy hardcover textbooks--and smashed him over the head with it. Granted, this was me telling them to stop their nonsense several times.

The spitting stopped after that.

Anyway, the book cover cracked and had to pay at the end of the year, but I regret nothing.

14.) From MakeItTrizzle:

My wife was due to give birth on a date I had a trial (I'm an attorney). The State's Attorney's Office refused to consent to a continuance, insisting they were going to be ready for trial that day.

The date comes, I go to the courthouse and find out that the SAO doesn't have one of their witnesses and is asking for a continuance.

Needless to say I lost my shit arguing against them receiving such a continuance when they had failed to subpoena a witness (or make any effort to contact said witness, by their own admission). The judge, of course, allowed them to have a continuance. I swore I'd never practice in that court again (it's one known around here for being especially friendly to the prosecution, to the point of absurdity and where the SAO is known to engage in constitutionally questionable evidentiary practices).

My wife gave birth the next day, and I've never been back to the jurisdiction. The State ultimately dropped charges against my client because they didn't have a critical witness.

15.) From butterbuttsquash:

This guy at work was "cleaning" out the work break room. Basically, he was throwing out people's personal belongings. So, I see my new coffee mug I bought specifically for work in the trash and lost my damn mind. I started yelling at him that what he was doing was morally wrong and it's not his stuff to throw out. I went to my HR manager and complained to him about the "principle" of the thing. I took all of the coffee mugs in the trash out and washed them.

The good thing is, if you are a calm person 99% of the time, people are more likely to listen to you in the 1% of moments you lose it.

16.) From kayquila:

Another unit lied to me about the condition a patient was in. I went into the supply room and SCREAMED to vent at another nurse. Poor girl remains the only person at work to ever see me lose my shit.

17.) From kokujinzeta:

A kid bit me on the chest in kindergarten. I waited till after nap time to run him over with my tricycle.

18.) From Aurell1an:

As a junior developer, I spent three weeks trying to fix a system that made custom PDFs of financial records from an HTML template and a handful of JSON in C# (N.B. I do not know how to write C#). Alone, as by a bizarre confluence of circumstances the rest of my team was absent the entire time.

I got to the end of it, battered, bruised, half insane from the stress, but still calm and smiling, not least because I had somehow pulled it off.

And then the product owner asked me how I'd implemented support for multiple signatories using the system simultaneously.

There was no mention of that on any of the tickets. Not anywhere. I must have read every one of those tickets a hundred times, I was sure of it.

So I'd spent 3 weeks building something very impressive out of a pile of broken garbage, and then with hours left on the clock, I found out that what I'd built, while impressive, was not what the customer wanted. All because the PO can't write a ticket, and never deigned to check up on my progress.

I. Lost. My. Shit. Emails were written, some by me, some by superiors from different sections of the business defending me. The PO was fired unceremoniously (it was her third strike for fucking up), and new policies were put into place to prevent this from happening ever again. Overnight, I literally became the precautionary tale for anyone wanting to break from protocol.

19.) From Ayback183:

Back when I was working retail, I was manning the return desk when this woman comes in to " return" two totes full of clearance clothes. She wants to rebuy them all since clearance stuff was now cheaper. Thats against the rules and I explain why, but per usual she gets a manager and the manager caves. Since she bought this stuff on three different receipts and mixed them all up this transaction is fixing to take 30 minutes at least, and I am frustrated but hiding it well.

15 minutes in I hear some commotion off to the side. I turn my head and see that this woman's five or so completely unsupervised kids have piled on to a flat cart and are pushing it around. I don't know why it set me off so bad, but I pointed and yelled at them, raising my voice for the first and last time during my ten year stint. The entire place fell silent and the customer was so mad at her kids that she took her stuff and left.

A couple coworkers said seeing me get angry was really unsettling. A blessing/curse that comes with being the quiet one I guess.

"I see the whole concept of Generation X implies that everyone has lost hope."

-Alanis Morissette

If you are too young to be a Boomer but too old to be a Millennial these memes are for you. Generation X is often forgotten about and that is just the way we like it, to be honest.

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