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Little league coach delivers unbelievably moving speech to kids after losing World Series game.

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Cry like everybody's watching.

After their 7-8 loss to Chigago on Monday night, Rhode Island Little League coach Dave Belisle pulled his Cumberland team behind 1st base to deliver an incredibly inspirational speech.

With most of his team caught on camera crying from their defeat, Belisle told the kids:

"The only reason why I'll probably end up shedding a tear is because this is the last time I'm going to end up coaching you guys. But I'm going to bring back with me ... and you guys are going to bring back, something that no other team can provide but you guys, and that's pride. Pride.

You're going to take back for the rest of your life what you provided for a town in Cumberland. You had the whole place jumping. You had the whole state jumping. You had New England jumping. You had ESPN jumping. Because you wanna know why? They like fighters. They like sportsmen. They like guys that don't quit. They like guys that play the right way. "

Watch the whole inspirational speech here:

All right, little athletes. Now you can wipe your tears, go home to a parade, and tell everyone you were only crying because your coach delivered such an amazing speech. 

(by Myka Fox)


Single mother gets her stolen car and dog back by guilt-tripping the thief via text-message.

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Megan Bratten, whose car was thiiiiiiiis big. (screengrabs via KCTV5)

Megan Bratten uses her van for work, so it was pretty upsetting when this single mother of five kids from Independence, Missouri found it stolen when she walked outside of a local Kmart. "An older gentleman was like, 'Are you OK?' and I said 'No, I think my car just got stolen," Bratten told a reporter from KCTV5, "then I remembered that the phone was in there and I thought, 'Let me text them a message' and I did."

Knowing the thieves would be able to see the cell phone in the van, Bratten began texting—in a very non-heartwarming manner, at first: "I used some pretty explicit words and I said, 'Hey, you just stole a single mother of five's work van. You are ruining my life here."


Park it like it's hot. Because it is. It is a hot car. You stole it.

Finally, she went for broke, flat-out asking for the whole enchilada, "OMG car thief people can you just give me my van back!" wrote the incredibly optimistic mom, "it would be epic, the miracle I need right now." 

Well, she not only got the miracle she needed, she got the thief she deserved.

KCTV5

"Then he texted me back," Bratten told KCTV5, "and gave me step-by-step directions where to find the van and I went there with my mom, and my dog and the van were there." 

Whoa, a dog? How has she not mentioned the dog yet in this story?

Now, this is already a pretty nice tale about human nature, because things are just things and we can talk ourselves into stealing them—but this guy went to steal a van and ended up stealing a livelihood and a dog (I bet he didn't even know there was a dog in there until it was too late). However, it's also a story you hear every once in a while. Except for the last text the thief sent back.


Aw, man. You mean crime doesn't just come from people being born criminals?

"I do feel bad...my kids needed a meal on the table so that's what their dad did got them food. I know its wrong but its been so hard since I lost my job," wrote the thief, which is why Bratten only brought her mom to the pick-up location and not the cops. The cops were very cross with Megan for not bringing them along and letting them arrest the guy. I mean, it's Missouri, so law enforcement there would probably be relieved to have a real black-and-white case for a change. Uh, I mean open and shut.


This is so inspir—OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT THUMB???

Bratten wasn't about to throw this van thief under the bus by putting him in the grist mill of the US prison system. "I can really relate on the human level of the struggle of feeling desperate and making poor choices. I can understand how people act out of fear making poor choices. What matters in the end, he really did the right thing."

Pretty nice, right? There's one more thing. According to KCTV5, one of the texts informed the thief that the van was just not very good, and leaked transmission fluid. When Bratten recovered the van, she found an empty transmission fluid bottle from when the thief had filled it back up. Aww.

(by Johnny McNulty)

So hot.

A new trailer is out for the 'Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story' and Screech lands a punch!

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Situation is seriooooooooous.

LIfetime has come out with a second trailer for the Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story called "Blood, Sweat, and Raging Teen Hormones," and this one has 100% more fake Screech yelling "I'm not Screech!"

In case you haven't heard, Lifetime is making a behind-the-scenes movie about the 90's kid classic, and they are basing their plot lines on scraps from Dustin Diamond's angry tell-all book Behind the Bell -- and probably filling the rest in with hearsay from the dude who worked craft service for a week. It's going to be really dramatic and stupid and perfect and I can't wait to see this steaming pile while nursing my Labor Day hangover.

In the first trailer, they leaked a small scene of the whole gang shooting some promo videos and the lust and rivalry was already sweating out onto the sound stage floor. The new trailer picks up where the last left off and then jumps around to quick, angsty scenes of angst. Fake Slater is kissing some blonde! Fake Zack might get grounded! Fake Screech punches a fan who calls him Screech, and screeches "I'm not Screech!"

And yes, fear not, they have kept Bel Biv DeVoe's Poison playing in the background. Just one more piece of evidence that the whole movie will be marinated in sweet, sweet Poison

Don't forget. This is on Lifetime, September 1st, 9pm

You ready, Ron? I'm ready.

(by Myka Fox)

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - August 19, 2014

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1. Barack Obama Sending Eric Holder Down To Ferguson To Shut All You People Up Already

President Barack Obama is hoping that you will stop pointing fingers at him and demanding that he do something about the insanely and unnecessarily escalating situation in Ferguson now that he has decided to send Attorney General Eric Holder into the roiling Missouri town to pose for a few photographs and make some very solemn statements for reporters.


2. Benedict Cumberbatch And Idris Elba Will Battle For Scary Tiger Supremacy In Dueling 'Jungle Books'

Beloved British actors Benedict Cumberbatch and Idris Elba will both be playing the villainous tiger Shere Khan in upcoming live action film adaptations of Rudyard Kipling's classic story The Jungle Book. Elba will play the terrifying jungle cat in a Jon Favreau-directed version for Disney, while Cumberbatch will give his interpretation in Andy Serkis' directorial debut for Warner Bros. It's a good time to be a fan of BBC detective dramas/imperialist anthropomorphic children's books.


3. Don Pardo, Longtime Voice Of SNL, Goes Out In A Blaze Of Melancholy Saxophone Music

Don Pardo—a voice-over performer who lent his iconic vocalizations to countless television and radio shows over the course of his seven-decade career, including Saturday Night Live, The Price Is Right and Your Show of Showsdied yesterday at the age of 96. It only seems right to set his closing credits to the proper theme:


4. Some Tech Dork Named Tom Hanks Has The Number One iPad App Right Now 

Hanx Writer—an iPad app that mimics old-timey typewriters for reasons that remain unknown—is currently, and inexplicably, the most popular app in the iTunes store. Even more inexplicably, the mostly useless program was developed by two-time Oscar winner Tom Hanks.


5. Science Finally Creates Robot Capable Of Hitchhiking Across Canada

hitchBOT, a robot designed to hitchhike its way all the way from one side of Canada to the other, arrived in its final destination in Victoria, British Columbia over the weekend. It is unknown how many robo-handjobs it had to dispense over the course of its 6,000 mile journey.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Bum fighting.

Hey ladies – Construction workers are too busy trying to meet the demand for housing in overpopulated urban areas to compliment your appearance! Deal with it.

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Workers ignoring attractive passersby while building shelter for those who seek it.

by Bob Powers

New York is a city with rents out of control and not enough affordable housing for its rapidly growing population. We need more residential construction, and we need skilled, well-trained workers to build it. Which is why this New York Post op/ed demanding that construction workers use their extremely valuable time to boost the egos of damaged journalists desperate for approval is nothing short of irresponsible.


Lewak soaking in the harassment while families die in the street.

While ostensibly nothing more than an anti-feminist click-troll attempt, this occasionally coherent piece from Doree Lewak celebrating catcalling construction workers should be read as a declaration of war on New York's neediest, waged by its contingent of insecure newspaper writers who require verbal harassment to feel good about themselves. 

Lewak explains her need to distract skilled tradesmen from their work thusly:

But the mystique and machismo of manly construction workers have always made my heart beat a little faster — and made my sashay a little saucier. It’s as primal as it gets, ladies!  

...My drive-by dose of confidence is the 10-second antidote to all that negative feedback in the real world, where reverberations stick.

For me, it’s nothing short of exhilarating, yielding an unmatched level of euphoria.

Imagine the euphoria of a family finding affordable shelter that wasn't delayed by insecure media types goading tradesmen into putting down their tools and shouting epithets.

Imagine the euphoria of a city restored to its former scrappy glory, having finally made room again for artists, musicians, dancers and authors.

Imagine the euphoria of a construction worker who gets to look up at the building he helped complete without the interruption of women who fetishize his hardhat and profane tongue.

But what does all that compare to one young woman briefly feeling the joy of sexual objectification?

And when I know I’m looking good, I brazenly walk past a construction site, anticipating that whistle and “Hey, mama!” catcall. Works every time — my ego and I can’t fit through the door!

With just a simple beach photo posted to Instagram, Leewak could have thousands of strangers telling her disgusting things they'd like to do to her body. But, she requires the gratification of her IRL harassment, leaving New Yorkers without any options.

Just a few days ago the New York Observer reported that the housing being built in our city "doesn't meet the needs of New Yorkers." A piece in Crains said that Bill de Blasio's plan to add 200,000 units of affordable housing to New York's real estate landscape over the next decade is likely to remain nothing more than a dream, with 10,000 fewer units than average added over the past year, and many of them aimed at high-end luxury buyers.

Construction workers can't build these buildings fast enough, and unwelcome distractions are only going to delay putting roofs over the heads of families in need. Should the New York Post really call for construction workers to take time out from their already taxed workday to make lewd comments about female Post staffers just to make them feel better about their physiques?

I realize most women with healthy self-confidence don’t court unwanted male attention. In fact, most women seem to hate it.

Do they only hate unwanted male attention? Or do they also hate the thought of another winter with people suffering in the cold, living ten to an apartment, praying for the Lord to bless construction workers' hammers and drills with the swiftness to bring them a home before they are bested by the elements of another Northeastern February?

Or perhaps they want those buildings to be built safely, with the attention of their workers focused on construction, and not the weird cravings of Post staffers.

It's not just the plight of those without proper housing that Lewak fails to consider. She also gleefully makes light of slavery itself.

I imagine the catcall stretches back to ancient construction times, when the Israelites were building the pyramids, with scores of single Jewish women hiking up their loincloths, hoping for a little attention.

Archaeologists have found that Israelites weren't Egyptian slaves until long after the Pyramids were built, but Lewak's reference to "Israelites" and Jewish women indicates she still subscribes to this false notion. Therefore, the above excerpt is nothing but a callous imagining of enslavement as a jaunty workout in the sun, with women taunting these slaves for their own sexual satisfaction.

Selfish. That's the only word to describe New York Post writer Doree Lewak. A selfish woman who puts her own personal validation before the countless families in need of livable residential units in an overcrowded, hostile city.

Dave Grohl's Ice Bucket Challenge video is a cinematic game changer.

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Foo fighting for the cure.

Dave Grohl calling out Jack Black during the intro to his Ice Bucket Challenge video makes perfect sense. They're good friends and both rock. It's when he challenges John Travolta and Stephen King that you begin to wonder what the connection is. But it all starts to make sense when he puts on the tiara and the creepy strings begin playing and we realize that bandmate Taylor Hawkins is playing Prom King Tommy Ross to Grohl's Carrie in the ice water remake of the classic 70s horror flick.

Anyone familiar with the movie (or anyone who's even glanced at the Internet over the last couple of days) knows what's coming next. It's a great mashup and one of the more original takes on what has quickly become the biggest online sensation since cat videos.

We've seen some great Ice Bucket Challenge videos, as well as a lot of horrible ones. And every day there's at least one celebrity video that that is supposed to put an end to anyone else even trying because "this one can't be topped!Mark Zuckerberg called out Bill Gates, and Oprah called out Steven Spielberg, which makes you wonder how the ALS Association hasn't hit the billion dollar mark already. 

It also makes you wonder where this will all end. Obviously, the hope is that it ends with a cure for ALS. In the meantime, thanks to Dave Grohl's mini-masterpiece, we'll likely be seeing a lot of pretty creative videos.

(by Jonathan Corbett)


Always there.

This collection of every Quentin Tarantino death scene is kind of beautiful.

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The Tokyo restaurant sequence alone must have taken a week to edit.

Spoiler alert: A lot of people die in Quentin Tarantino movies. 

You're probably thinking, "Yeah, I know that. I've seen those movies," but I suspect that your memory is failing you when it comes to just how many people die in these films. I can't back this up with neurological data or anything, but I suspect that the human mind can only hold the memory of so many heads being severed in geysers of blood and torsos being blown apart by impossibly forceful hand cannons. Like an evolutionary adaptation to keep us from going insane in times of war or Italian horror movie marathons.

It turns out that if you took all the death scenes—just the seconds-long fragments of character expiration—and strung them all together, the stream of cinematic oblivion would last about four-minutes and twenty seconds. And furthermore, if you played The Delfonics’s "Didn’t I Blow Your Mind This Time" over the whole thing, it would be somewhat beautiful.

Source: this video from some guy named Jaume R. Lloret: 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This family's futile attempt to stuff a large sofa into a tiny car is mind boggling.

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"Do you know if Uber cars are sofa-sized?"

This family attempting to stuff a large sofa into their tiny car is so nuts that, after watching for several minutes, I started to suspect the whole thing is part of a viral marketing campaign for a moving company, or plastic garbage bins, or black and orange parachute pants -- something! Because any of those scenarios make more sense than one where a group of adults are unable to figure out that the large sofa they were moving wasn't going to fit into a car the size of a reclining chair.

The fact that the guy across the street is filming them means they must have been at this for some time before the guy thought to start recording. Because I can't believe he saw a random family carrying a couch out of a building and yelled "Where's my camera!" Which means that by the time we see them, they should have already figured out that they were performing the furniture-moving version of Chris Farley's Fat Guy in a Little Coat routine.

The guy who shot the video was obviously trying to stay out of it, because he manages to film silently for nearly three minutes before blurting out, "For God's sake, admit it, the car's too small." What's really crazy is that he snapped before the guy trying to move the couch. 

(by Jonathan Corbett)

John McCain did the robot. Seriously, he really went for it.

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Cue the lamestream media asking why he didn't do this in '08...every single day.

I'm not saying he did very well, but boy, does he ever go for it. At least, I think this qualifies as "really going for it" for any old man, let alone a Republican one. 

When you consider that Sen. John McCain's injuries from being a POW in Vietnam prevent him from lifting his arms above his shoulders, however, you realize that this guy is turnt up as fuck. Just how turnt was he? New Jersey Governor and presumed 2016 presidential candidate Chris Christie was also there, and also danced, and nobody cared. A fat-as-shit Governor was dancing in public, and that was a distant second in newsworthiness to the quality of John McCain's moves. 

Finally, who were these two white Republicans getting down with? Jamie Foxx (who went on the Tonight show stoned as hell this spring) and the Roots (who recently played "Lyin' Ass Bitch" when Michelle Bachman came on the Tonight show), at a Hamptons charity event. All of which are juicy news angles. None of which ended up in Page Six's headline, because none of them compare to this:

(by Johnny McNulty)

Watch President Obama age six years in thirty seconds.

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Change.

What we colloquially refer to as "aging" is a process by which human bodies gradually degrade over time, with physical manifestations including a greying of the hair and a loss of elasticity in the skin. Some people believe that it is caused by free radicals breaking down body cells. Others believe that the aging is a function of the body which was selected for via natural selection. Still others believe that it is the natural result of being a lying Muslim atheist communist fascist who is secretly the gay Antichrist.

This video—in which filmmaker Diran Lyons stitched together images of President Barack Obama from when he assumed the presidency up until now—doesn't really answer which of those three theories is correct. But it does look really neat:

As cool as this is, I think an unnecessary amount of work went into its creation. If Lyons wanted to show Obama aging a half-decade in a few seconds, why didn't he just dig up footage of him fielding his first question from a Fox News correspondent?

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

"What's a good way to close out the summer of 2014?" "An unceasing carnival of human-on-human atrocity?" "YES. THAT." - The Universe

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Matt WallaceTue, 19 Aug 2014 18:52:16 EDT

"What's a good way to close out the summer of 2014?" "An unceasing carnival of human-on-human atrocity?" "YES. THAT." - The Universe

Like no other.


8 Feminist Catcalls

Grilled cheese store rescues music festival goers from paying $5 for bottled water with creative hack.

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Still seems like a long con. Nothing makes you want water like a peanut...and vice versa.
(via redditor caryy)

Summer music festivals are awesome, except for all the ways in which they suck. One of the primary ways in which they suck is the use of a primary beverage sponsor who is the only company allowed to sell liquid refreshment to the humans at the festival. In this case, the festival was Portland, OR's Musicfest NW, and the exclusive drink monopoly was given to the Dutch beer company Heineken—something that perplexed locals who are fiercely proud of the local brewery scene. You're not allowed to bring water in (to be fair, water looks a lot like vodka), and the vendors only sell food, and Oregon did experience temperatures of 90 degrees this weekend. 

If you've ever been to a concert, sports game, convention, tourist trap, or movie theater, you know what happens when humans are put into a place where they will be thirsty and they're not allowed to leave: beverage prices rise, especially water prices. This makes sense, because it's very hard to build brand loyalty for water, so they'd rather you choose beer to cool off in the 90-degree heat. (In theory there are supposed to be drinking fountains—gross—and emergency tents—super gross—as well. But who wants totally free water?)

The Grilled Cheese Grill wasn't going to let something as minor as the law and a multi-billion-dollar beverage company that's survived two World Wars stop it, however. They were gonna sell water, dammit, even if they had to do it peanut by peanut, and they're weren't going to make the bottled water even more incredibly expensive than it already is.

We can all salute the Grilled Cheese Grill for their work in subverting the drink monopoly, but they weren't the only heroes at Musicfest this year. Check out the amazing contributions of the "Fried Egg I'm In Love" cart:


Seriously, those cups are melted. There should be free water everywhere.
(via redditor timtankard)

Free! But in a bucket and with cups that are melting in the heat. Melting. 

While you're here, check out our original article, The 10 Worst People You See At Every Summer Music Festival.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Uplifting video.

Ten People Who Need To Apologize For Ruining The Internet

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I remember when the Internet was just freedom and porn and free porn.

Recently, Ethan Zuckerman, the guy who invented the pop-up ad, made a public apology for what his creation has done to the Internet. Probably the only person who can understand his pain is 20th-century physicist Robert Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer famously declared that the atomic bomb’s first test, codenamed Trinity, made him remember the words of the Bhagavad Gita, “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” That pretty much describes pop-ups in a nutshell. A nutshell that, when you open it, causes a ton of other nutshells to fly out of it, stinging your eyes and making you regret trying to shell nuts in the first place. Zuckerman may be the only one with the conscience and guts to stand up and apologize, but there are many other people we think ought to come forward, hat in hand, and say they're sorry. We need to put their heads in the digital stockade (i.e. a moment of viral outrage) and then pelt them with decomposing refuse, aka comments. Here are 10 examples of people or groups who owe us an apology, big time, for all they've done to make the Internet a horrible place.

10. The creators of the free, open Internet, for letting us think it would stay that way.


Brent Rambo: part of a generation horribly misled as to what the Internet would be.

Every single second of getting free things online was the planet-wide equivalent of giving a kid on the playground a free crack rock. For the first 20 years of the Web, if you could pay to connect to the Internet, everything except LexisNexis was gratis. Sure, a lot of it was illegal, but only by the laws of meatspace. Legal sites like Hulu offered free network television where you could pay to remove ads. Even Netflix felt free once you had paid the monthly fee. This was a lie. Comcast and Time Warner will make getting on the Internet pointless if you can’t pay extra for the burden of transporting premium ones and zeroes from “premium” websites to your non-premium house. The legal sites were a bait-and-switch. Now, even if you buy Hulu Plus, you’re supposed to act grateful if you get any content at all between the ads. “Free” now means giving advertisers access to every detail Facebook has stored on you for the past decade—and a game marked “free” is guaranteed to be the most expensive of all. This is not the Internet we sorta paid for.

9. The first homo sapiens to develop speech, for paving the way for Internet comments.


The direct descendent of a guy typing 'show me your tits' as we speak.
(via& Musée de l'Homme)

There was a time, believe it or not, when the idea of everyone being able to share their opinion on a topic was seen as an unquestioned good. The marketplace of ideas would prevail; only the best and the truest would survive. Obviously, they didn’t count on Internet commenters uncovering Illuminati conspiracies, neocon propaganda, and lamestream media cover-ups on every single article from celebrity news to scientific research (just kidding—no one actually reads scientific research). The incessant flow of sexist, racist and misanthropic tripe wherever people can make themselves heard is a constant force on the Internet, like gravity in the real world. If you build it, they will call you the n-word on it. If you printed out a page of comments on even a boring news story, jumped in a time machine and went back to the Big Bang, shoved that page in God’s face and told Him and/or Her “this is what will happen if you press play on the whole Universe thing,” we could have avoided this entire mess.

8. Jack Dorsey and the other Twitter founders behind the blue checkmark.


I was worried I was talking to the cakes. Thanks for clearing my mind, Twitter!

If you ever want to make billions of people feel like nobodies, just invent a little symbol that will make a few select people Somebodies. Even though 90% of blue checkmarks are obtained via bothering a Twitter employee at a party until he or she gives in and verifies you, they are widely seen as totemic signifiers of personal importance. Here’s a conversation that could feasibly happen in 2014. “Hey, according to Twitter, people are jumping off this bridge.” “What, why?” “Noname Soandso said to do it. She said there’s a prize at the bottom.” “Who the hell is Noname Soandso?” “I dunno, but she has a blue checkmark.” “Race you theeeeeeeeeeerrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…..”

7. Kim Kardashian.


By looking at this, you somehow gave Kim $10.

Any time you make a list of 10 people who ruined things, you’re pretty safe slapping Kim Kardashian on there. Most people assume this is because she sucks, but I think she should get off the Internet because of the mercy rule—she is kicking our skinny asses out here. While her sex tape was initially stolen and sold to porn juggernaut Vivid, Kim received at between $3-5 million following a lawsuit. Every time someone masturbated to Kim Kardashian and Ray J, they shook out a few coins directly into Kim’s pocket. Instagram is practically an extension of Calabasas at this point, in that everywhere you look there are fucking Kardashians. Even the woman who is only famous for showing her butt on Instagram still has a less-famous Instagram butt than Kim Kardashian. Finally, after years of the Internet ruthlessly mocking Farmville and games like it, Kim Kardashian hooked millions on a game that is literally about hard work—that people are expected to pay up to $200 million this year in order to play a little faster. Get the fuck out of here, Kim. The Internet is for amateurs.

6. Whoever made MacKeeper and LiveJasmin, for interrupting millions of Americans’ self-love.


Even on the Internet, sex brings the risk of viruses.

50% of all left-handed clicking is spent on closing ads for either webcam girls or anti-virus software while the other hand is...occupied. Yes, they are a form of pop-up, but these have evolved a step beyond their click-the-monkey ancestors. By forcing you to stop masturbating and either a.) insist that you want viruses on your computer or b.) declare that you don’t like naked women doing what you ask them (with money), it’s as if these sites want your pain more than your money. It’s almost like someone out there with a lot of computer skills has a fetish for delaying other people’s orgasms and decided they might as well make some money off of it. In fact, that’s almost definitely what’s happening: every time you jack or jill it, you’re either giving someone money or a sadistic thrill.

5. You.


See how quickly you've forgotten you?

Remember when you were named Time’s Person of the Year in 2006? Ohhh yeah, you forgot, didn’t you? What have you been up to in the past year? Shared designs for cheap 3D-printed water filters with developing nations? Created a thriving business where artists make things for more than spare change and “the exposure”? Have you even tried creating a webseries? A small handful of you did, but I’m betting it wasn’t you, specifically, now was it? It wasn’t me, and I have a much higher opinion of me than you. You have been kind of a letdown, to be honest. We thought you were going to unite people for social change and thwart government power. Hashtags are great for awareness, but we’re aware of plenty of problems we do nothing about. Some of you have been OK. You! Yes, you over there in Tunisia! Good work. A lot of you all over the Middle East are kicking the rest of your asses when it comes to using the Internet to fight the powers that be. Granted, so are their governments, and they are not you. The governments are a them, Comcast is a them. They are all them. And you and I have to get better at this than they are, or we’re all fucked.

4. The creator of the .gif format, for not making a better format.


Wait for it...wait for it...does anyone just have a link to the video? (via)

You know why we argue about whether it’s pronounced “gif” or “gif”? Because we’ve got an hour and a half to kill while this 10-second series of apparently huge images loads and loops. It takes ten times as long to download a gif as it does the same number of images. Are they literally powered by magic? Is the computer absorbing an ancient word of power that gives the images life? Because that’s about the only excuse I’ll take at this point. 

3. TEENS!!!


Dan Akroyd has taken over a new host body.

Teens have been ruining the Internet literally since before I was born! Proof: teen Matthew Broderick almost blew up the Earth in 1983’s War Games a full eighteen months before I came into the world, and a decade before I first went online. Who ruined chatrooms in the 90s by talking up all those perverts? Teens!!! Who encouraged Mark Zuckerberg to drop out of Harvard by signing up for his Facebook? Teens (up to age 22)!!! Who has enough free time and lack of inhibition to fill up YouTube with oversharing vlogs and skateboard injury videos? TEENS. Who seems to be keeping Vine from the swift 6-second death it deserves? TEENS! Who failed to “unbox” enough Zunes to keep them around as a competitor to the iPod (so I could continue to say ‘Zune’ in conversation)? TEEENS!!! Who is responsible for the constant flood of new and confusing slang acronyms for out-of-touch magazines and FBI agents to misinterpret? TEEEENNSSS!!!! GET OFF MY FEED YOU DAMN KIDS! 

2. David Letterman, for making the Top 10 list a permanent cultural fixture.


This photo is in the public domain because it's from the Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs of Staff. No joke here, just thought that was weird.

At the opposite end of the spectrum from teens, we have David Letterman and 32 years of Top Ten Lists. I mean, take a look at what you just read. Look at this crap! Yes, I know magazines and High Fidelity did a lot to ingrain the “All Time Top” whatever impulse in our culture, but no one has had more of an influence on the Internet’s reflex to digest huge reams of complicated information into tiny, ten-piece boxes of bullshit nuggets. If only he had taken his bespectacled head out of the skirts of 20-something interns for long enough, he might have seen this horrible future coming. 

1. Mark Zuckerberg, for everything.


Photo not available.

Honestly, what in life has not gotten worse as a result of Facebook? Did this planet not have enough jealousy on it prior to being able to watch the richest kid in your class “ace” his job interview with his dad’s firm? No matter what your gripe is with the Internet, you can find it on Facebook. People who complain about being asked to check their privilege should get mad at Mark Zuckerberg for creating a website that allows you to literally check how your privilege has grown and blossomed from your first “backpacking Europe!” album to that invitation you just sent out to your baby’s first hack-a-thon, where toddlers learn to disrupt each others’ blocks and set up new paradigms of crayon-sharing. Remember being protective of your personal address, phone number, employer info and diary back before 2004? For how many years did you click “no” on every single new application you bought or downloaded before finally giving in and letting corporations drool and slobber over every detail of your life like that weird kid in class checking out your vacation bikini album? (Facebook DID make it a lot easier for creeps to creep. So, thanks for that, Zuck.) Finally, thanks to this putz, every whiz kid who learns to program the Logo turtle thinks they need to wear a hoodie. Not even teens like wearing sweatshirts that much. Sweatshirts are just one spot in an entire spectrum of clothing. Put some on.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Use me.

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