Kids may get the credit (and the TV show), but it's really the elderly who say the darndest things. Between growing up in a century in which people didn't know that sexual harassment was indeed called sexual harassment, and the lack of filter that comes with old age, our elders have hot takes about "rhino balls," Elizabeth Taylor, and butts.

People shared the funniest, most inappropriate things they heard old people say, and these pearls of wisdom will stay with you forever.

1. Yes, ma'am.

I'm a fairly portly fellow, and I was once approached by an elderly woman when I was visiting my grandmother in hospice. This lady wheels up to me and says, "You're a big man".

I smiled and said, "Yes, ma'am."

"...I bet ya got a big 'ol cock-a-diddly and some rhino-balls, too."

"...yes, ma'am." -tcohboy

2. Grandma's a frat bro.

I was meeting my boyfriend's grandmother for the first time, and when I left the room but was still in earshot she said "Man, she has some BIG titties!" -SexiestSexist

3. I hope she bought it dinner first.

I was a cashier at a grocery store, and an elderly woman probably in her early eighties was buying a few items. One of them was an English cucumber. I picked up the English cucumber to weigh it, and she made a remark about it being, "a lonely lady's greatest companion." -JayLeigh

4. The thirst is real.

I spend a fair bit of time at nursing homes for work, and a few times I have been invited by elderly ladies (dementia patients mostly) to 'come over here and stuff me good and hard', to 'how'd you like to rip this up?' -slimpikins

5. A prediction or a curse?

An old, slow, 90+ year old woman walked up to me while i was waiting for a friend outside of a mall store. She said "you are going to suffer" and slowly walked away. I opened my mouth, at first to tell her off, then to ask her wtf, but I never ended up uttering a word. Every time anything bad happens to me I think of that and see her face. -CountMalachi

6. Shots fired, Liz.

My Grandmother said, at Sunday dinner with the family, that she would like to hit Elizabeth Taylor over the head with a sock full of sh*t. -Huplescat22

7. You've been hit by, you've been struck by...a Smooth Grandpa.

My friend was with his grandpa in a Sam's Club. His grandpa was wearing slippers because he didn't feel like putting on shoes and wanted to be comfortable. As they were checking out, the cashier says "Oh, nice slippers." Without missing a beat, he says to her "How'd you like to find them under your bed tomorrow morning?" -ohheytrevor

8. Over the hill.

When I was 13, my great-grandma asked me if I had any husbands or children. -privateuniverse

9. An astute observation.

I worked at a grocery store last summer, and had quite a few encounters with inappropriate old people. My favorite moment, off the top of my head, was this little old man in an electric scooter. When it was his turn to have his items rung up, he said "young lady, your legs go clear up to your a**!" He then laughed for a good 45 seconds. I took it as a compliment. A factual compliment. My legs do indeed connect to my a**. -TheKittenButcher

10. Grandma knows best.

While talking with my brother's fiance, Grandma asked her if she needed help shopping for "wedding night lingerie." -justaref

11. It's lit.

My business professor, who is probably in his late 60s, told our class on the very first day,

"I know college can get a bit difficult, so there ain't nothing wrong with hitting the bong after you study. Trust me, it works wonders."

New favorite professor. -Jesters

12. Sounds hot.

"It's hotter than two rats fornicating in a wool sock out there." -nontamopiu

13. Beware of vagina dentata.

Grampa once told me: Don't mess around with girls "down there", they have teeth and they only point inwards. It took a long time before I learned he meant this figuratively and not literally. -lonejeeper

14. Dad Jokes are puns, Grandpa Jokes are racist puns.

My Granddad once told me that the door across the street was purple because a "black family lived there, and we all know how they like the colour purple." -Powell11

15. I wonder who this grandmother voted for.

My grandmother-in-law surprised me by agreeing with me that humans evolved from primates..."but not white people, they were created by God." -Cacafuego

Chrissy Teigen receives a lot of attention online, from trolls, dissenters, and fans alike, and occasionally, she chooses to dish a scoop of attention right back.

This week, the Fox News host Jeanine Pirro received a heaping serving of Teigen's attention after posting a masked picture of herself outside a restaurant.

Upon first glance, there's nothing particularly remarkable about the photo.

But if you don your detective hat and zoom way in on your phone, you can see she has a photo open on her phone.

While the contents of the picture are deeply difficult (if not impossible) to make out for most of us, Teigen was quick to recognize it as a photo of herself.

More specifically, it's a photo that features her boobs.

People on Twitter thoroughly enjoyed the hyper specific call-out, as well as the "I Spy" game it inspired.

Eventually, one curious commenter asked Teigen how she was even able to notice the phone picture in the first place.

To which Teigen revealed a friend (or internet informant) sent her a screenshot.

Ultimately, the ridiculous thread inspired people's gratitude for the fact that in all of its chaos, Twitter is still free.

It's not easy to get people to follow rules and care about one another's health and safety, so it helps to make it funny and memeable.

These signs are more clever than your average warning, and use humor to power through this absolutely bonkers time.

1. No ifs, ands, or buts.

2. Keep it covered.

3. "Nothing to do with coronavirus, I am just a miserable bastard."

4. It burns!

5. Crikey!

6. No time for losers.

7. "The nice sign wasn't working."

8.

9. You're damn right.

10. The Fifties are making a comeback.

11. "Please distance yourselves at least six feet apart (or the average length of a CVS receipt)."

12. The Salem brand is strong.

13. Swear by it.

14. If that doesn't do it, I don't know what will.

15. Beef.

16. Stay cool.

17. Pardon my French.

18. Yes, we mean you, Karen.

Sometimes a summer job or a side gig can turn into an amazing experience that's so fun you're shocked you're actually getting paid to it.

While people often say, "do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life," it's unfortunately pretty rare for a job to never actually feel like work. However, there are definitely some people who have mastered the art of never having to actually "work," but still get paid. Instagram influencers, perhaps? Professional puppy cuddlers? The Kardashians? Even if you haven't found a career that you'd happily volunteer to do forever, most of us have that one job or gig "that got away" and we still look back on fondly. Oh, to be 15-years-old again and get paid to give out bubble bath samples in the street dressed as a bar of glitter soap!

So, when a Reddit user asked, "Last night I made a full grown man pee himself in fear as part of my job at a haunted attraction, and I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself. What jobs have you enjoyed so much that you'd gladly do them for free?" people were ready to share their favorite gigs.

1.

I used to run a tiny gift shop at the zoo. There is nothing like hearing the incredible roar of a lion to break the silence of morning. - GoGoThomas

2.

As a teenager I worked at a movie theater, which at the time - the perks alone were great.

Anything that didn't come in a box, was free to consume. Beverages? Nachos? Popcorn. Free.

Do you like movies? Well you're in luck, because you can come in, bring a friend and you're both in for free. Do you have immediate family members that like free movies, because if they're with you or alone, they're in free too.

We hope you're a slacker because you work for about 2 hours out of every 6 when you're in the concession stand, less than that if you're in box office and if you work projection, we're paying you to be quality control, and you're watching 3 or 4 movies today.

Not an official perk, but on Monday nights we dimmed all the lights, looped a few trailers in the theaters and played lazer tag for a few hours in the building.

Teenager me frowns at modern me for ever quitting. - Worlds_Best_Coffee

3.

For a summer, I was paid to climb into bald eagle nests to obtain blood and feather samples (testing for genetic info and for DDT info). Easily the coolest thing I have done in my life! - andyn0133

4.

I worked on a Haunted Hayride one year, and I can confirm that getting paid was just icing on the cake. - MartyrMcfly

5.

I used to work in a comic book store. Greatest job ever. I had to keep up with all plot lines in all comics, I got to chill and discuss nerdy things with other nerds, I got to play Warhammer 40k, and I got paid to do it. Free root beer Bawls (within limits), and a cool place to work and I really liked the customer base (nerds don't shop in gaming and comic book stores, they live there). Nerd girl's dream job. Ah, how I miss it. - [deleted]

6.

I've volunteered at craft beer festivals, pouring beer for people all day for no pay. I thoroughly enjoy spending the day talking with people about beer, serving them beer and making them happy. - BradC

7.

I worked in a haunted house for a season as an actor. I got punched a few times because that's just how some people react to being scared. Other than that it was a blast! - maverae

8.

I babysit for the cutest little boys. I would gladly build blanket forts with them for free - Gingergurl63

9.

I work "security" at a gated community. The job description is pretty much watch TV and sit on my computer. Its a good job. - Royalfishness

10.

I used to do live science demonstrations at the Pacific Science Center in Seattle. Basically, got paid to blow sh*t up and do cool science tricks...SUCH FUN! - IDoDash

11.

I worked at a comedy club for a few years. I can honestly say it was the most fun I've ever had at a job, yet at the same time it was the worst job I've ever had.

I worked in the main office, so I got to hang with the comics during the day. I would occasionally get asked to drive them somewhere... out to get food, to the gym etc., and had some great conversations.

I worked Friday and Saturday evenings as well, so on those days I got to hear the shows (and sometimes we would all step out of the office to watch certain bits we knew would be good), and was clocked out at 11:00 pm, just in time to walk 15 feet from the office door and sit down at the bar.

After the shows, quite a few of the comics would hang with the staff and we would go bar hopping. The club I worked at had an attached condo so the performers could stay the entire week at the club, doing a show a night (two on Fri and Sat nights), so we would often end up back at the condo after closing down local bars, continuing to drink/smoke until the sun came up.

I had a blast, but like I said.... worst job ever for one specific reason. I rarely went longer than one day without being completely f*cked up. For two years I drank and smoked and snorted and did other things on a continual basis. - impshial

12.

I was a doll hair stylist for a summer. I basically got to play with dolls, make their hair look nice, and chat with kids and their families. One day of "work" we did party training (so we'd know what happened during birthday parties in our store) and we got to do a fake party and eat food.

It was basically the most fun job ever. - proserpinax

13.

A few years ago I had a seasonal position in Disney World at a candy store.

My job was dip caramel apples, marshmallow wands, rice crispy treats, and giant Oreos in a variety of chocolate, candy, and nuts. Total creative freedom. Got to eat as much as I wanted. - [deleted]

14.

In high school I worked as a librarian for the summer. It was a very small town, maybe 300 people but it had a very nice library. On average maybe 4 or 5 people came in a week. Spent a whole summer just sitting around reading. Would do that for the rest of my life if I could. - learnthetruthnow

15.

College mascot. Cheering for your favorite team in every sport and being the face of a group of fans. Lots of pride in doing it well - angrybane

16.

I work at a summer camp and it is the most fulfilling I have personally ever had. I get to hang out with my best friends and a bunch of cool kids all summer. It has the most beautiful sunsets. It feels like the rest of the world doesnt even matter. Ive worked there for the last 5 summers and wouldnt have wanted to spend them any differently. I always go home and ask my friends how their summer was and they say, "well it was pretty good, I guess. Kind of boring all I did was work and party a little. How was yours?" And I always say, "It was awesome! I had the time of my life, except it flew by! I always wish I had more time out there and when I'm not out there like during the winter I dream about being out there. There's something about giving kids all the fun you can pack into a week, where it doesnt matter who they are or what theyve done before. They can come to camp and for a week just forget about what ever is going on in their lives and just play outside and have fun. Boom. - BenJamin007

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I worked as a musician at Busch Gardens Williamsburg for two summers and Disneyland for one. Just marching around playing cool tunes, waving at people, basking in the applause, flirting with attractive co-workers and park guests...not too bad for a college kid. - [deleted]

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I used to work in an adult video store in a small town. The only porn store in a fifty mile radius at least. I was paid to study porn and occasionally harass customers, and I was paid well. The employee motto was along the lines of "The customers are scum. As soon as we have their money we can toss them aside".

Keep in mind this was one of the places that had booths in the back, so of course if you worked 3rd shift you had to clean that up. I have sanitized every bodily fluid known to man, and did so without batting an eye. We used tokens, and invariably there would be piles of them left in the back (and the regulars would bring theirs back to the counter). Since they couldn't get refunds, and had to buy more to go back again regardless, the employees got to cash them out. I would routinely find ten dollars or more a night, just in tokens.

We also worked on commission for movie sales (no pressure, though). I would normally make an additional $200 a pay period just from movie sales. Since I actually kept up with as much as I could across all genres, everyone would come to me for movie advice... and relationship advice. I can't explain that one. - tinkyXIII

19.

15 years ago, I was a cameraman for the Venus Swimwear International Model Search Finals. 10 days in a hotel recording 97 Gorgeous young women running around in swimsuits! Best Job Ever! - CaptWingIt

20.

I used to work at an indoor paintball field renting guns, being a ref for games and cleaning up things generally. It was the most fun job ever. My coworker and I would play against people who needed extras on their team, sometimes with just a slingshot. Also, it was attached to an indoor archery range. So when you got bored of paintball, you could shoot some arrows at stuff. - jgosovision

A lot of relationships end badly, but some end in far more devastating and scandalous ways. While we all make mistakes and have relationship regrets, there is a big difference between a regrettable relationship and a fall-out with a pathological liar.

Some relationships end in such destructive ways they deserve to mythologized as cautionary tales and examples of just how toxic love can be. But also, some stories stand out because truth can be infinitely weirder and messier than fiction.

In a popular Reddit thread, people shared the craziest things they've ever experienced or witnessed in a romantic relationship.

1. From OP:

Last weekend, one of my girlfriend's best friends got married to a man she had been dating since high school. He'd converted to Judaism, she'd given up a permanent teaching position to move for his new promotion, and by all accounts, they were quite in love.

The story goes (as was told by my gf), he had started acting a little distant about three weeks before the wedding. She (the bride) wrote this off because he had already moved down for his new job, and this was the first time they had ever been "apart" from each other in those 8 years, and she just "invaded" his new private life by moving in before the wedding. So, wedding time, everyone is pretty happy, the ceremony was beautiful, their vows were quite good, especially his. He choked up a few times, she could barely hold it together, but they made it through, alright. The reception was quite fun (as most Jewish weddings are) and we go our separate ways.

Last night, I get a call from my girlfriend saying the bride is in shambles, as the groom had just told her that he no longer loves her. He spouts out every cliche in the book, "It's not you, it's me," "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," etc. His initial story is that there isn't another woman, and that it's just crazy, but it seemed like he wanted to work his feelings out. Today, the bride decides to check on their phone bill, and lo and behold, there are a bunch of texts and calls to the same number. When she checks his phone, all of the texts were evidence of an affair, including many texts espousing his love for "new girl." (I actually don't know new girl's name, but she's his coworker) Many of these were sent while they were on their honeymoon, and many of the calls were immediately after he had called the bride, usually saying goodbye with "I love you."

Mind you, throughout this whole process, the bride had sensed strange things going on with the groom, and even offered to postpone the wedding, or cancel it altogether, but the groom still went through it it...while he was schtupping this co-worker of his.

I nominate this groom for the Douchebag of the Year award.

And I'm gonna ask my girlfriend if this should be turned into a Lifetime movie, at some point. Seriously qualifies...

UPDATE 1: My GF is currently assisting the bride in removing personal items from the bride and groom's apartment. They're still going to "work on this," but yeah, he's an asshole, so he's most likely just trying to save face. Also, his mom (who was previously unmentioned and quite a monster-in-law leading up to the wedding) has apologized to the bride and is now working on trying to sort this all out. Good things DO come from tragedy, but this whole situation just bites.

2. From BrooklynNets:

A year or so after marrying my great-great-grandmother, my great-great-grandfather received a telegram informing him that an uncle of his had died, leaving him a handsome inheritance and a few acres of semi-developed land in the Philippines. My great-great-grandfather promptly parted ways with his pregnant wife to visit the plot and, if appropriate, oversee construction of a property where he planned to move his spouse, future child and several miscellaneous, unattached family members.

A month after his departure, his wife received a telegram in broken English detailing her husband's sudden death from Spanish 'flu. She and the rest of the family were understandably shocked, but soon undertook the appropriate funeral rites and settled his affairs in England. My great-great-grandmother eventually remarried to a widower whose spouse had also died from the Spanish 'flu, and her first daughter went on to give birth to my grandmother.

A few years ago, however, my uncle, who has taken to cataloguing our family history in obsessive detail, found that no death certificate was issued at the time my great-great-grandfather supposedly died besides the one they requested in his absence in England. Moreover, he found a marriage certificate and a death certificate that all but confirmed that my great-great-grandfather had married another woman in the Philippines not long after arriving and lived there for another thirty years or so.

TL;DR: Newlywed great-great-grandfather fakes death, starts new life seven thousand miles away from his wife and unborn child.

3. From knoid:

Found out a year after breaking up with a girlfriend that she'd been cheating on me through most of the time we were dating. It explained all sorts of little things...the random bursting into tears toward the end, her general insanity, and hypersensitivity to me doing anything with anyone else.

What makes it really f*cked up, though, is that she cheated on me with....my father.

I've posted this here before, but it's still a complete mindf*ck every time I think about it.

It's been two years, and I've barely spoken to him since. Just hearing his voice still induces a white-hot flash of rage. It's a good thing I live an ocean away, cos I don't want to think about what might happen if he lived close by.

4. From Fluffygoddess:

I have a friend, who is "The other woman" the guy she is having relations with spent the night before his wedding with her, is still married and still boinking my friend, 3yrs later! She still believes he's going to leave his wife and they'll be happily ever after.

5. From mountainfail:

Similar to the OP, I know a girl who had been cheating on her fiancé for a long time. She went through with the wedding, then dumped him afterwards.

Why did she go through with it? She didn't want to spoilherbig day.

6. From kranzmonkey:

My childhood best friend of more than a decade got married a couple weekends ago to a gold-digging succubus whom we all hated. His own family offered to take the financial hit in the week leading up to the wedding if he called it off.

Her family business is marrying rich, and he alienated tons of his friends are regularly fought with his family over her.

I refused to attend the wedding, but at least half the wedding party (including his sisters; this girl had no friends, so her only bridesmaids were her sisters and his sisters) also couldn't stand her.

Her oldest sister, who was her maid of honor, turned her toast into a narcissistic rant about her own recent divorce, and apparently his family as a whole was shocked how her family conducted herself.

He realized on their honeymoon just what a terrible person she was and how she would ruin his life. She told him that she had no intention of ever working again (she had quit her job right before the wedding) or going back to school (she went to 5 undergrads in 6 years, is nowhere close to graduating from any of them), and that she wanted nothing to do with his family ever again.

So they got married on a Saturday, and he asked for divorce on the following Thursday. Their marriage lasted 6.9% of a Kardashian.

7. From mtcmw:

A friend of a friend grew up in a really tight knit community of Christians. She and her husband waited until their wedding night to have sex, etc. Cut to a few months after the wedding and they mysteriously break up and she moves out. Turns out she'd started sleeping with her personal trainer who helped her get in shape for the wedding. She's also pregnant.

8. From followingflanders:

I had a friend whose Mother had a very serious stroke. After a long time recuperating in hospital, she got to return home. She promptly found out that her best friend and husband had bonded by her bedside and had been having an affair throughout her recovery. Her husband and her best friend left her severely disabled and on her own to be together.

9. From Enigmaticfirecracker:

I was in a long distance relationship and applied for several jobs in my boyfriend's city with the intention of moving to be with him. I got a verbal job offer from a company and called to tell him. I was ecstatic. He used the phone call to inform me that my moving to be with him would be the biggest mistake I ever made and promptly dumped me. Well f*ck. Cue two weeks later...I decided he doesn't own the West coast, and I will be moving to California in 7 days!

10. From oh_okay_:

My ex and I were living overseas together and he convinced me to quit my job, pay off the rest of the lease and move back home with him because he wanted to start a family. He dumped me seven days after my plane landed. I had no job, no place to live, and had sent home my pay checks to him so he could find an apartment. My boss had wanted to take me on permanently but I spent the last of my money on the flights home. I'm still in credit card debt over it.

11. From DyingForPerfection:

When my best friend's boyfriend confided in me that he wanted to leave her because she had been acting "so sad" lately, that was kinda douchey. Mind you, both her parents had just died, and her brother was being taken away from her into foster care. F*ck YOU Zach.

12. From Vigilante_:

I had a female friend we'll call her Legs, and I played World of Warcraft- I used to post funny WoW related pictures on Facebook and tag my friends according to what character they played. Anyways, I tagged her and another friend in one. They started talking and really hit it off! He came up from the states and spent the weekend with her and her daughter. A week later, she is crying and going on about how she thinks she's pregnant!

I sh*t you not. A WEEK LATER.

My friend is calling me. FREAKING OUT. And I'm all, 'Joe, she wouldn't know she was pregnant that fast and if she is, it's ain't yours.'

Same day, I head to Future shop to get a new mouse or something. I see Johnny, a mutual friend of mine and Legs. I'm all, 'didja hear, Legs thinks she's prego.'

He looks at me, "No she's not. She was asking for a turkey baster of my s*men so that she could have another baby."

I look at him, and he's serious. He shows me the text messages. LITERAL: 'I want to have another baby. We don't even have to do it, I just need a turkey baster and your s*men.'

She was a single mom, who struggled to pay her bills.

I...just...wut.

TL;DR: Former female friend told her boyfriend she was pregnant, while asking another mutual friend of ours to impregnate her.

13. From loveit_or_shoveit:

A friend of mine told her boyfriend (of less than six months) that she wouldn't be interested in moving in with him unless he would agree to get married. He said they could talk about it, and she immediately told all of Facebook. Two weeks later she's shopping for dresses and tells him where to get the ring she had picked out. They're married now. Oh - and she made him change his last name to hers. Otherwise she said she wouldn't marry him.

14. From ismakkabich:

One of my best friends exes told her after they had broken up that he wants her to be her wife...but not now. Now he wants to f*ck as many girls as he can before he settles down.

Weird.

15. From RDJesse:

I was at a wedding where during the ceremony the couple lit a candle together to signify the coming together of two people or some such theme. The problem though was that they could not get the darned thing to light. So they stood up there for like 2 minutes with everyone silently watching them clicking a stove lighter and trying to get the wic to catch. Finally a guy from the audience runs up with a leatherman, flips outs out of the knife part, and starts hacking away at the top of the candle.

To everyone's audible relief the couple was able to light the candle and get on their ceremony. After the wedding there was a general hushed agreement that the candle bit was a poor omen for what was to come. Sure enough 2 years later they both got hit by a truck.

16. From Captainfartacus7:

I had an acquaintance in high school who was a little too attached to his girlfriend, an overly attached boyfriend if you will. He was texting her one night when she got mad at him for some reason and decided not to answer him anymore. A normal person would think that she might have fallen asleep but he decided the best course of action was to go in to her back yard, take a picture through her window of her room, and send it to her with the caption "your TV is on so I know that you are still awake."

17. From PassTheDopamine:

A girl my sister went to school with found out her boyfriend was cheating so she gave some lucky guy a bj and kissed her 'boyfriend' with the s*men still in her mouth.

18. From CaptainKate757:

A few years ago while our unit was in Afghanistan, this idiot that I used to work with was sleeping with this Army chick (we're Air Force) on the regular. Well one day towards the end of her deployment she tells him she's pregnant. He freaks out and tells his wife about the whole thing. His wife decides to forgive him. Meanwhile, he gets orders to a new base, coincidentally about 20 minutes from where his Army girlfriend was stationed.

Good, because now he can take care of the kid, right? Well they move there and come to find out Army chick was never pregnant at all, and the whole thing was made up so he would stay with her. Idiot's wife is once again pissed and hurt, but decides to forgive him again if he gets her face tattooed on him. Guess what he has now? A giant portrait of her face right over his heart.

19. From megmatthews20:

My boyfriend, who was living with me and sharing a bed with me at the time, broke up with me through my sister two weeks before he moved out. Then he couldn't understand why I was upset/felt awkward the last two weeks he was living with me.

To echo someone else on here, this is why having cats is better than having a boyfriend!

20. From SnarkSnout:

In college, my rich friend was planning her extravagant wedding. About three months before the big day, she finds out she's pregnant. For the first few weeks, she went around happy and excited about the baby. Then a few weeks later, I see her drinking at a bar and I was like, "What about the baby?" And she cheerfully replied, "Oh, I'm having an abortion tomorrow. I won't fit into my wedding dress if I'm pregnant!"

Now, anti-abortion people would like to have you believe that all abortion decisions are this frivolous, but they are not. Please don't construe this story as me being anti-choice, because I"m not. Still, this was truly shocking to me...she wouldn't be showing her pregnancy THAT much at her wedding, and she certainly could afford to buy a new wedding dress. Her fiance completely supported this decision to not let their baby "ruin their wedding".

Fast forward six months - the abortion happened, the big, perfect wedding went off without a hitch, and she's bragging about being pregnant again. Wondered why her all-Catholic pack of friends weren't jumping for joy for her.

But this was also the same girl who, years later, called me to yell at me for leaving my abusive husband. She angrily tutored me that "as Catholics, our marriages are supposed to be forever" and that "all men hit, and as long as they don't put you in the hospital, that's what we have to endure as wives, as long as it doesn't happen too much." Yeah, she was the one to judge if I got hit "too much" or not.

“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”

- Amber Dusick

If you have kids, a sense of humor is a must. Any parent will relate to these hilariously accurate memes. They expertly nail the ups, downs, and general wackiness of raising little people.

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In 2020, it's a rite of marital passage to tweet about your marriage.

Twitter is rife with jokes about the struggles of marriage, the new things people learn about themselves after getting married, and all of the little fights and inside jokes that go along with it.

Many married jokes come from (straight) husbands posting about their fails within the relationship, or the small and petty ways they annoy their wives.

For your (hopeful) enjoyment, here are 30 tweets from husbands who are still getting the hang of marriage.

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Yes, the world is seemingly on fire right now and we are in the middle of global health crisis with a confusing reopening process and a question mark on the future. However, people luckily haven't yet lost their sense of humor!

If you could use a break from panic-scrolling through the darkness and conflicting information on the news, the updates on social media of people starting fights in stores for not wearing masks, and the overall state of anxiety that our melting planet is in right now, look no further than the chaotic joy of Twitter. Twitter has always remained at the top of the internet for jokes, and even the bleak dumpster or despair that is 2020 so far won't stop people from firing off hilarious bits to the internet.

So, here are the funniest Tweets we could find from the first week of July so far. Stay safe, everyone (and remember that just because you're allowed to drink with your friends again in some parts of the country doesn't mean Coronavirus has miraculously vanished)!

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There may be no "right" way to grieve, but it's safe to say that getting promptly remarried to your therapist is a "wrong" way.

He stormed out and hasn't talked to me since.

A concerned mom wrote into "Am I The A**hole?" after her widowed son started planning her wedding to—you guessed it—a woman who used to be her therapist.

Mom and son were always close, and she had a great relationship with his tragically deceased wife.

My son and I used to be very close, I had him young and his dad didn't end up sticking around so for a long time it was just us. It made the teen years a breeze because he was always telling me what happened and what parties he went to and who he was seeing so I was never worried about him and trusted him a lot.

When he was 17 he met a girl I'll call Sophie. It was pretty clear he were head over heels for each other and she ended up moving into the attic apartment of the home I owned at the time along with him, because her home situation wasn't great(dad was abusive, mum was in jail). Probably partially because I always wanted a daughter (I was past the point of a safe pregnancy by the time I met my husband), and because of my great relationship with my son I ended up very close to Sophie.

Sophie and my son go married in Jan of last year and started trying to have a baby (they were 31 and 29). After a few months we noticed that Sophie was getting quite sick, full body pains, migraines, constant fevers. I paid for her to do a barrage of tests and she was diagnosed with a tumor in her brain. She had always had bad migraines/nosebleeds so unfortunately didn't notice any symptoms until it was too late. She was hospitalized in March of this year and passed away a few weeks later. We were devastated and my son started seeing a therapist via Zoom over lockdown.

The son quickly got engaged to the woman who was hired to help him with his grief.

Shortly after lockdown ended my son called me and told me that he had shifted to a new therapist and was now dating his original one (Stacy). He said that he thought it was meant to be and meeting her was a sign from God. I supported him even after he said they were going to get engaged.

They held their engagement party at my house last weekend and it was my first time meeting stacy, but I must admit I was devastated seeing her with my son. I went upstairs and cried for a bit before coming back down for d inner and we seemed to have a lovely night. The following day I was discussing wedding dates with my son and was shocked when he told me he wanted to get married in August (comparatively he was engaged to Sophie for 2 years). I asked if he was maybe rushing it a bit and he accused me of not being supportive and that I just wanted to see him "alone forever." I admitted that I was deeply upset by Sophie's death but that I was supportive of my son, I just thought it was inappropriate to be married within a year of Sophie dying. He stormed out and hasn't talked to me since, my hubby thinks neither of us are a**holes but I feel awful.

AITA?

Yikes.

It's an upsetting situation, for multiple reasons, and people sympathize with the mother. The Court of Reddit rules that the a**hole in this situation is almost certainly the therapist.

"Wait, he's marrying his therapist within months of meeting her during an emotionally turbulent time? That's highly unethical on multiple levels," My_Dramatic_Persona wrote.

"NTA (Not The A**hole). I don't think you're an a**hole. I don't think your son is an a**hole. I think the therapist is a massive a**hole."

"Your son's wife died in April, and your son wants to marry his ex-therapist in August, and the therapist sees nothing wrong with this?" Cocoasneeze summarized. "There are so many huge red flags around this, and you did nothing wrong asking your son if he was rushing this. He absolutely is."

People recommended that the mom go as far as report the therapist to her profession's licensing board, including jury members who are therapists themselves.

"As a therapist, seconded. This is a BLATANT ethical violation, and most professional clinical licenses have ethics clauses tied to them. Find out her licensing board and report her, please!" PsychGirl commented.

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
– Mignon McLaughlin

Marriage is a trip. Make sure to laugh along the way. These memes will be hilariously relatable to anyone who's ever said, "I do."

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“Single” is an opportunity to live life on your own terms and not apologize.
― Mandy Hale

Don't ever let the single life get you down. Being single just means you are too awesome to settle. These hysterically funny and accurate memes absolutely nail what it's like to be unattached in today's world. Have a laugh and enjoy your freedom while you can.

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“Think like a queen. A queen if not afraid to fail. Failure is another stepping stone to greatness.”

– Oprah Winfrey

Ladies, you are all queens. Consider this meme list to be your personal court jester. Each joke was chosen just to make you laugh today. You definitely deserve some giggles and maybe a crown too, why the hell not?

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Weddings, while usually very fun, can sometimes make people a little weird...

Gathering a couple's entire family, childhood and work friends, and overall closest people all together for one party with dancing, flowing champagne, sentimental speeches and sometimes an open floor with a microphone can be pretty dangerous.

That aunt who is usually quiet and classy can turn into someone who is desperate to drop some raunchy wedding night advice on you after just a few sips of chardonnay. That uncle who you've never spoken to is suddenly pulling the groom aside to tell him "how to cheat without really cheating," and in general, it's probably best to take all wedding day advice with some extra grains of specialty cocktail margarita salt. Most of the time, it's fair to say that people in the unhappiest marriages are the ones who think they know everything about how to have a successful marriage. Trust your instincts and your partner, not your cousin Maggie who is making out with the DJ in the bathroom.

So, when a recent Reddit user asked, "Married people of Reddit, what is some creepy advice that you were given on your wedding day by a friend or relative?" couples who experienced some seriously strange advice were ready to share their wedding day horror stories...

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My MIL told me if I keep “acting smart” it wouldn’t last long and the secret to her 25 years of marriage is always act dumb around the husband.

Met her husband’s mistress few years later. She was a successful lawyer with a PhD. - emotionallybougie

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Mom: Son, your sister and your Brother In Law use the rhythm method. Me: You realize they have six kids, right? -brokertoker

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my new father-in-law, dropped us off at the airport after our wedding and said “bring me back a grandson”. - masterd35728

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My MIL set up this Jenga set at our wedding where people could write messages so when/if we play we would have the memories of the day. My wife’s uncle wrote “suck his d*ck”. - PiginthePen

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Way to much advice about making a baby. My MiL, my mom, several Aunts and Uncles came up to me to give me sexual advice. They all really really want a baby to take care of.

My MiL was the worst about it and kept pulling me aside to talk about sex. What her daughter likes and doesn’t, how she got us some lingerie and sex toys for wedding gifts. She knew an uncomfortable amount of information about my sex life. Mostly thanks to my wife sharing it. - john8214

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I got "she's your problem now. Good luck" - Pyroburner

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My dad, when first meeting his future father in law was told, "She can cook, but she can't clean." - AdmiralSplinter

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my in laws pulled me aside and tried to guilt trip me into agreeing to spend more holidays with them than with my parents - jonahvsthewhale

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"Marriage is like a game of cards. You start with 2 hearts and a diamond in your hand, but by the end you're begging for a club and a spade" - ali_whi

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I was at a rehearsal dinner before a family members wedding, and there was an open mic for giving speeches at the dinner. One of their grandmothers gets up, says "Happy f*cking" and then sits back down - RedHeadedCongress

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my grandmother told me to figure out how my husband liked his pillows arranged. Her reasoning was he would want a sense of normalcy for the first night.. - saytheirnames

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My sister’s in-laws told her to “be understanding if at one point their boy had a GF, it’s something men do when they don’t feel loved or cared for at home, they have different needs and as long as they still provide for their home, it’ll be OK”... you can guess how faithful my BIL’s dad was in that marriage - ciscolombia

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Our priest lectured us that women don't understand symmetry...-ToxicMountainFrost

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One of my cousins got married when he was 30ish. My aunt/his mom (one of the most awkward people I've ever met) decided the morning of his wedding was finally the time to explain how sex worked and gave him some quack drops that were advertised to make his penis bigger. (She made the assumption that the drops were needed based on his dad/her ex-husband). The cousins were never supposed to know about this, but his brother overheard and immediately texted all of us. - IguanaTapThatAxolotl

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my grandfather advised me to, "not wear her out in the first month." - AdmiralSplinter

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My grandmother gave my husband and I a casual speech on why oral sex is sinful and we shouldn't do it. I have no idea where it came from, and I honestly think I blacked out for the majority of it because I have no idea how I responded. We were just like, "ok cool sounds good moving on..." - PartTimeKhajiit

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Bridesmaid to my wife on our wedding day "statistically you are now 3 times more likely to die at the hands of your new husband than a stranger" - DJ_Dilemma

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"Make love like its the last time, every time" -my wifes grandma - mercwifdamouf13

God Bless America, and its education system.

Americans practice their First Amendment rights to post hilariously ignorant things on Al Gore's internet, and it provides insight into the red, white, and blue brain. Here are some highlights from the Ignoramus Hall of Fame from people who are almost certain to be elected to president.

1. On time zones:

2. On pride:

3. On Titanic:

4. On eating utensils:

5. On the Pledge of Allegiance:

6. On countries:

7. On the Southern Hemisphere:

8. On "absolute degeneracy"

9. On criticism:

10. On Celsius:

11. On being "literally Viking":

12. On gun ownership:

13. On Obama's "retirement":

14. On travel:

15. On the metric system:

16. On freedom:

17. On trade:

18. On minutia:

19. On noodles:

20. On dances and sports:

21. On hitler:

22. On subtitles:

23. On the US-Italy border:

24. On dentists:

25. On pizza:

26. On patriotism:

27. On North America:

28. On Nates and Nathans:

It's pretty incredible the amount of words and phrases our brains are capable of retaining at any given moment, especially if we speak more than one language. So naturally, every so often our brains are going to malfunction and fail to deliver seemingly obvious information. Even very common words or phrases can elude us at times. Brain farts are a part of life, but that doesn't make them any less funny or embarrassing in the moment.

Here are 22 of the funniest examples of people who drew a blank on a common word or phrase, so they made one up instead:

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People working in healthcare amidst the peak of COVID-19 are legitimately in the trenches day after day.

Many doctors and nurses are working 12 and 15 hour shifts where they're forced to intubate people sick with the virus, manage the overflowing ICU beds, and on many shifts proclaim patients dead and before contacting their grief-stricken family.

All this is to say, medical workers are tired, and when they head out to run errands in their masks, the only unsolicited things strangers should be yelling is "thank you for your work!"

Unfortunately, that's not the world we live in, and a growing number of medical workers have faced harassment from people who believe COVID-19 is a conspiracy, or feel personally affronted by others wearing masks in public.

A nurse working in her hospital's COVID-19 unit penned a post on Imgur after getting harassed by a man for wearing her mask while getting gas.

The nurse, who goes by Toulouselachat on Imgur, laid out just how stressful her job has become, and how demoralizing and infuriating it is to deal with ignorant people out in public.

She wrote:

I was tired, leaning against my car with my eyes closed, waiting for the click of the pump to indicate that my tank was full when I heard a bang right in front of me. I jolted and opened my eyes to see the guy who had hit the hood of my car with his fist. He was leaning toward me when he yelled his profanity before, joined by a couple of other men wearing dirty jeans, strolling into the WaWa.

It freaked me out. I had just finished a 15 hour shift (my 24th within the last month) during which I was responsible for codes and rapid responses on the COVID units. Yes, we now have 4 units in addition to the COVID ICU quarantined from the rest of the hospital with a COVID census that has fluctuated between and 110 and 160 over the last 3 weeks. I intubated 2 people last night alone.

My risk is high of carrying the infection and I wear the mask in public for your benefit, not mine, not because I'm a libtard, but because I'm not a sociopath. FYI- you libtard-hating freak, Florida continues to break records for infections and 2 county hospitals, including the only regional cardiovascular center that uses ECMO, have been on diversion (meaning they cannot accommodate more patients and so ambulances have to take the patients elsewhere) for over 56 hours.

People were quick to write comments of support and solidarity.

thadickenz remarked on the audacity of thinking you're invincible to COVID-19.

Reminds me of that guy who called someone putting on sunblock a pussy. Like, "Imagine thinking you are stronger than the sun (or COVID)??"

PocketSandMan wrote that their sister has sadly dealt with similar run-ins.

I’m sorry that happened. My sis is an ICU nurse. She’s worked in Seattle, Nola and now NYC through the pandemic. Has had similar comments.

UnicornsAndShenanigans thanked OP for her hard work.

TY for your hard work and consideration for others. Eventually folks will learn germs don't care about politics, religion or affiliations.

Kwalaberg thinks people who heckle healthcare employees should be forced to volunteer in COVID-19 units in order to really see what they're mocking.

People like that should be forced to volunteer at a hospitals COVID wing and then see how they feel about masks.

elleyea wrote that it's only a matter of time before that man crosses the wrong person and faces physical retaliation.

You are amazing. That guy is an a*shole. One day he is going to yell at the wrong person and get his a*s beat.

While there's comfort in the fact that a majority of the commenters online stand with the nurse and recognize the real and continued risks of the virus, it's still deeply terrifying that there are people who will harass healthcare employees literally trying to save lives.

Using social media to air out our grievances may seem like a good idea in theory. But it can backfire in an instant. That's what happened when a woman took to Facebook to mock a man for the crime of wanting to take her out to dinner at Applebee's.

The woman tried to shame the guy for daring to suggest a "low brow" restaurant like Applebee's was worthy of her majesty. But then she got shamed instead when someone responded in the comments of her post to call her out.

"This man asked me out on a date. He was actually fine as hell but when I asked him where we were going he said and I quote ladies 'Applebee's,'" the woman wrote on Facebook. She then said she "busted out laughing" at his "silly cheap ass."

In response to his suggestion, she told him: "I own my own shop, a house, a BMW and stocks. I can buy Applebee's!" Then she apparently "walked away," much to his apparent dismay. The woman encouraged other women to "keep them standards high as hell" and not to "settle for a broke man." Maybe she'd hoped for a chorus of likes and support from her fellow women. That's not what she got.

In a fiery comment, someone called out the woman for making assumptions about someone's financial status based on their restaurant choice.

So because he offered to take you to dinner at Applebee's he's broke? You had to tell him all of your worldly accomplishments to sound good? You don't know that man's financial status. He could own several Applebee's, he could be a broker, he could be a doctor but you judged him off a restaurant? I'm sure if I saw his face he would be laughing because he just dodged a bullet. You own all of those things but you still don't have a man. It's not because your standards are high it's because you ain't shit.

On Reddit, someone posted a screenshot of the woman's post, where people are praising whoever left this savage comment.

SpecterZaneLitt writes:

That response is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

Other commenters are shaming the woman's attempts to brag about her financial status.

Revealed_Jailor writes:

She mentioned she owns BMW's. I would definitely make a face at the notion of that.

dragonheart000 writes:

I'd make a face at the owning stocks part. That literally means nothing, basically just said "I have some amount of money"

While some are suggesting that he may have asked her to go to Applebee's as a "test" of whether or not she's interested in him only for his money.

MinagiV writes:

I’ve heard of men using Applebee’s as a litmus test for this exact thing. Personally, I would have said no because Applebee’s has awful food.

And udidubbun writes:

My Ex-'s roommate (when we were dating) was a little golddigger. She had a guy that was really wealthy ask her out. On date night, she came home early, and super angry. Why? For their first date, he said "You've never been to Sizzler? BOY, are you in for a treat!" She got pissed, ghosted out of the restaurant and took a cab home.

I became the bad guy when I pointed out to her that taking her to Sizzler was probably a test, and she failed.

We could hear her in the other room, calling him and begging for a second chance. Nope.

But in this woman's defense, some commenters are sharing that they, too, would've balked at the prospect of an Applebee's date.

ValueCheckMyNuts writes:

Applebee's is pretty trash tho, they don't cook, they just microwave shit.

pinsandpearls adds:

Applebee's is disgusting though. I wouldn't go there on a date, but not because it's inexpensive - it's gross and last time I ate there, I got food poisoning. I'd happily suggest a different low-cost date, though.

And unphamiliarterritory suggests:

The responder isn't wrong, but honestly, Applebee's is utterly disgusting food. There's a lot of food that might even be cheaper than Applebee's that I'd rather eat -- like a decent taqueria for instance.

In conclusion: don't take your dates to Applebee's unless they specificaly request it? But also don't shame people who want to take you to Applebee's in case it's a "test" of whether or not you're a gold digger? Man, dating is confusing. Let's just scrap the whole process and eat tacos alone.

"Hamilton," the rap-opera about founding father Alexander Hamilton's life, hit Broadway in 2015, but people have been talking about it more recently as the entire show was filmed for Disney+.

While fans of the show have been able to listen to the music for years, some of them obsessively memorizing every word and shifting the energy in karaoke rooms across the country with a ten minute rap about American history, very few people have actually been able to snag tickets to show. Considering "Hamilton" has been sold out every night in New York City since it opened (although it's been closed due to COVID-19) tickets sometimes could cost people up to 900 dollars for one seat on ticket apps. Is it worth it, you ask? Luckily now you can see for yourself!

The general opinion of the show has been that it's "genius," a "cultural phenomenon," or the best show to ever grace Broadway, but nothing is safe from the critics of the chaotic disaster of opinions that is Twitter. Now that more people have access to the entire show, some are questioning whether or not it is the perfectly flawless masterpiece it's cracked up to be. Regardless of what you think of Lin-Manuel Miranda's (at the very least objectively impressive) work, here are the funniest tweets about "Hamilton" from Disney+ viewers so far.

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If you are a woman who is alive, it is simply a fact that you have received a creepy, weird, or unsolicited text, DM, or email at some point in your life. Sadly, receiving bizarre and invasive messages from men seems to be a universal experience for most women, and the examples range from mildly funny to deeply terrifying.

As a means of catharsis, women jumped on a popular Reddit thread to share the creepiest and weirdest DMs they've received from men.

1. From rudrachuwan:

I'm not a girl, But a guy has said this to me.

"Hey baby, Why don't you come over and give me a good sucking with that mouth of yours. Here's my snapchat" and then proceeded to send me a rickroll link.

2. From Vivid_Fishing:

"You would be f*ckable even if you were dead". Uhm...thanks??

3. From franc_18:

From a guy in Spain who has the same (uncommon) last name as me: Hey, I think we are cousins? I hope not, I've always wanted to f*ck an American.

4. From lil_peanut20

Will you marry me? - from my college boyfriend of 1 day.

5. From alotofpisces:

That he loved my fair skin and the fact I looked FERTILE.
I was also like 15.

6. From slowdownmiah:

"Do you want me to take your period away for 9 months?"

7. From cherrypastel:

Oooh, lemme think...

I was in an online DnD group, and the only female, as well as the youngest. I was fourteen, and the oldest player, who was 27, would regularly flirt with me while we played but I let it pass (and even was flattered by it) because it was in character.

Until he messaged me saying how he would stare at the only picture I'd ever sent the group (which was of my dice, and featured some of my hand) every time he masturbated, and that he wished I could be his pet.

Yeah, blocked and left the group. Apologized to the DM, though.

8. From HistoricalHeart:

• “Can I have a tit pic?”

• “Uh no wtf”

• “Come on it’s halloween”

9. From Jixieq:

"Send floor pics" said some male from discord. Stared at the DM confused, and politely denied him, but he follows it up with, "I just like nice floors, several states allow beastiality yet I'm in the wrong here?" I still don't understand.

10. From chirpfox:

“Will you please mail me a box of your toenail clippings. I would be honored to chew them.” I’m serious here.

11. From itaint2009:

I just got a message the other day from a guy asking me to send him ten grand immediately. Yeah ok, typical Nigerian Prince sh*t...however when I told him he was a f*cking idiot for thinking anyone would actually do that, he hit me with a dick pic. I was NOT expecting that. It’s like the two most annoying types of messages you can receive combined. I’m almost impressed.

12. From nope-tastic:

He wrote out how he saw our entire future together, including meeting each other's families, moving in together, getting married, buying a goat, getting pregnant, having a miscarriage, nearly divorcing, then mending the relationship and growing old together. Then he asked if I would consider going on this life journey with him.

I would not. I blocked him immediately.

13. From vivi4200:

A guy sent me a video of him spreading his a*s cheeks. Every time I blocked him, he would make a new account and do it again. It's happened 3 times. Don't know who he is and doesn't show his face. But I know his a*s when I see it.

14. From ZanderBramble:

Met one in college. He seemed normal at the time although we rarely talked. Had literally one class together.

He friend requested me on Facebook and I accepted. Soon after he asked me out on Facebook and I rejected him. He started starring at me in the one class we had together and followed me around a lot.

One day I got a text from my mom telling me I should check my Facebook. I maybe looked at it once a day at the time.

He had commented on every single post I made, every picture, anything on my wall. Literally everything he could. Every comment was different too, but all some variation of how I’m a sl*t. How all I’m good for is to please a man and produce his offspring...if he finds me worthy.

He planned it out well I think I because the semester ended the week before. Which was good for me I guess, didn’t have to see him anymore.

I blocked him then deleted my Facebook. I was rarely using it anyway. He put so much effort into those comments, hundreds of them. Just weird.

15. From ACakeCalledDenial:

One of those DMs that was describing a scenario, but straight off the bat. No hello, how's it going, just...

'I unlock the door. You're standing by the stairs, looking angry. "What time do you call this! Your dinner is in the trash!' you shout. I put down my keys and stride towards you. I grab you by the hair and lead you upstairs. I lay you down and take off your pantyhose. You giggle as you let out a pungent fart. It fills my nostrils and...'

I have never blocked anyone so damn fast.

16. From xBerryMewx:

One cold winter, I got a DM from a guy who asked if he could use my thighs as earmuffs.

17. From DELAIZ:

In a relationship app, I received messages from several men offering me a green card.

There is nothing in my bio indicating that I want to move to the USA...

18. From scarletnightingale:

"Do you ever wear heels to class so that people can see your toe cleavage?"

19. From cinderelladrinksmilk:

This guy was obsessed with me in high school (he was extremely antisocial, ran like Naruto in the hallways and cut himself with scissors during class). I hung out with him one time during math class and the next day he gave me a matching bff necklace. He gave me the creeps and made me uncomfortable so I avoided him in school. He still kept talking to me everyday on Facebook for months. The last time we talked was when he told me that his abusive cousin/girlfriend got pregnant and they're planning to name the kid after me. I blocked him real f**king quick after that.

20. From billbapapa:

I'm a guy, but I got DMs for a short while by a guy who claimed he knew I was a girl and I couldn't fool him. Eventually I blocked him.

Even just that made me feel sorry for women everywhere.

Everybody loves embarrassing sex stories, that's why games like "Never Have I Ever" and 90% of all teen comedies exist.

People shared the most humiliating things that happened to them in the bedroom, and they're super fun to read (but not to live through). Beware of farts, dogs, and various fluids.

NSFW, obviously.

1. Not the ideal threesome.

Her little f*cking rat dog of a Chihuahua snuck in the room while we're f*cking and attacked me. You have no idea how fast a man can move when there is a set of tiny evil teeth coming at your junk. -asus_chaos

2. Oh sh*t.

We were in the middle of it when we BOTH got hit with horrible stomach aches. I was in the middle of asking him to stop when he abruptly bolted toward the (only) bathroom. Apparently, something we had eaten earlier that day was less than fresh! And, due to circumstances of the position we were in, I didn't get to the toilet first and had to wait in the fetal position until it became vacant.

It was not a good time.

BONUS STORY: I learned that I was allergic to latex in the worst possible way. Same partner, a couple of years prior to the poo-splosion experience. Ah, young love. -Apostrophe_T

3. This sounds like an X-rated Home Alone.

After I finished, I stood up and kinda jumped off the bed and hit my forehead on the edge of the ceiling fan which was on and landed off balanced and rolled my ankle bad , so bad it was swollen up like a baseball. I had to wear an air cast for close to a month. It's been 6 months I think now and it's still not fully healed. The condom spilled all over the carpet and I got rug burn on one knee. I couldn't move cause I was in so much pain and my wife was just like wtf. -​​​​​​teardrop082000

4. Sounds like a gas.

Started farting uncontrollably. In rhythm to my thrusts. Thank god they were dry. -shootemupy2k

5. Everyone knows Travis and Matt.

She said “you’re so good at this”

Followed that up with “much better than Travis and Matt”

Who the f*ck are Travis and Matt?? -MaxwellVonMaxwell

6. Ouch.

I bought some fancy, organic lube to try with my boyfriend at the time. We get down to business and my vagina starts stinging a little bit. Then a lot. Then full on BURNING. We quickly stop and he says that his bits are feeling a little tingly but not the level I'm on. I grab the lube bottle and take a better look at it. Just says normal, organic, unscented lube. I spend 5 minutes looking all over this damn bottle before I find the problem in the very last listed ingredient: menthol. My vagina continued to burn for the next hour. -TerracottaTurtle

7. He "died" doing what he loved.

I once passed out mid climax. I didn’t eat that day and I just collapsed on her. She thought I straight up died on her. Wasn’t too serious but was definitely not fun. -typicalthrowaway24

8. At least Owen Wilson is the cuter Wilson brother.

Was on top and went to to kiss him as he was coming up and cracked my nose on his big a** forehead. It made a pop and I was so sure it broke, but ended up only being sore for a days. He picked on me making Owen Wilson jokes for like 2 days after because I kept freaking out about if it was crooked or not. -_OliverTwist2020

9. Once is an accident, three times is a kink.

Worst for me physically: Pulling both hamstrings. First one, then the other while compensating.

Worst for me mentally: My GF's mom walking in on us, three times now. Bonus afterward when I heard her gossiping with a friend about it over the phone. -Cyanora

10. Those are sharp teeth.

She was sitting on my face, and I rolled my head back right when she came down. My front tooth pierced her about 2cm away from her clitoris, by her urethra. She moaned and drew away for a second, then jumped up to the bathroom. I looked down and saw a significant pool of blood on my chest. I remember the sound of an ear piercing. Like rapid-fire puncturing, but with my tooth. -story_fish

11. Good neighbors.

While having car sex had a very nice elderly woman pull over to make sure we were ok. -Slothstronaught420

12. Poor Bender.

I came inside my girlfriend and pulled out and it got all over my bed, before we had a chance to clean it up my cat jumped on the bed right in it. Sorry Bender, he did not like that bath. -joeyboii23

13. Pinky swear?

Broke my pinky as I was shifting my position during missionary. My girlfriend (wife now) and I both heard it crack but I was so into it that I finished, went to the washroom, reset the finger and never even went to the hospital. It healed on it's own but there's still a bit of a crook to the right. We still laugh about it to this day. -superstarbillygraham

14. Poor puppy.

His dog made his way into the room and neither of us realized it because the dog was so quiet. We were changing positions and my foot went off the edge of the bed and the dog bit the fuck out of it. This was maybe 2 weeks after having foot surgery, probably less because I still had stitches in my foot. I cried so hard.

It's okay though. The guy explained that he rescued the dog from a dude that used to kick the shit out of him. Poor puppy probably thought he was getting kicked again and just tried to defend himself. -synonymtoastcrunch2

15. The fires of passion.

First time I slept with my ex, mid way through she jumped off me shouting "ohhh sh*t f*ck f*ck f*ck" and when I turned round the candle she had by the window had set the blinds on fire! Honestly battling a fire with your cock out is a feeling that's never left me. -paulero92