"Hello. Would you like to hold me gently until the void envelops us all?"
(via PurrfectPals.org)

This is Tucker the cat, who currently lives at Purrfect Pals Cat Shelter in Washington State after her previous owners could no longer take care of her. Here's the thing about Tucker the cat: she looks very sad. This is because Tucker the cat has some genetic abnormalities that makes her face droop like a botched Botox patient. 

"I am a clown who cries on the outside, but inside I laugh at a joke no one else can get."
(via PurrfectPals.org)

But wait, there's more sadness—these abnormalities also mean her joints never formed properly, and she needs stairs and other accommodations to get around the house. D'awww.

"Sorry, I was just thinking about the last episode of M*A*S*H." (via PurrfectPals.org)

To top it all off, Tucker has a skin condition that makes her skin very thin, dry, and prone to irritation and cracking, so she needs to be handle gently, and to wear a t-shirt at all times. Awwww jeez Tucker. You need a very gentle hug.

"I'm so happy right now! Being cuddled is my jam!" (via PurrfectPals.org)

All that said, Tucker is still a sweet kitty. According to Purrfect Paws, "Tucker enjoys sitting on laps and playing with string toys! She also loves to be pet under the chin and behind the ears and is great with children!" You heard it, folks. You have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make the saddest cat on the planet happy.

(by Johnny McNulty)

So much more powerful than a promise ring.(Via)

At this point there isn't a moment of human experience that isn't photographed and instantly uploaded to Facebook for all to share. Life is contained in the Facebook photo albums now, so when you comment on a Facebook photo you're essentially commenting on life itself. You can choose to resignedly click "Like" on life like so many over-medicated cult members who are lying to themselves. Or you can do like the commenters gathered here, who deserve awards for their attention to detail and their willingness to turn a glimpse of another person's existence into something we can all laugh at.

Bae caught me fakin'.(Via)

.

Use every part of the Facebook. (Via)

.

Way to look past the darkness.(Via)

.

Dog couldn't even wear a tux to his own wedding? That's bad luck! (Via)

.

Maybe she's just avant garde, d-bag. (Via)

.

Updated 8/4/14:

Someone send a life-raft. (Via)

.

Ken's a big reader. No canned spaghetti meal is going to make him give that up. (Via)

.

You must be more compassionate in your oil changes.(Via)

.

Prepare for ye credit card offers and Valpaks to be pillaged. (Via)

.

Still, at least she Googled it herself. Very talented Googling. (Via)

.

A sunset has to be really beautiful to get Heather to stop obsessing over poop shots. (Via)

.

Updated 6/30/14:

Why old Photobomb Phil's been dead for decades now.
You got photobombed by a g-g-g-ghost! (Via)

.

Like you've never gotten excited after taking a really good butt-selfie.(Via)

.

Least they're not sitting around doing math!(Via)

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Or, he died before achieving his dream of Jurassic Park being operational.(Via)

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I think he just asked you out to dinner!(Via)

.

Guys don't need a lot of inspiration in that activity. (Via)

.

Updated 6/3/14:

I certainly hope the tiny cat tipped well. (via)

.

You should see the pyramids. (via)

.

Wake up, sheeple! Why do you think there are so many cans? The aluminade! (via)

.

It looked like a salami. (via)

.

When will you grow up, Shannon? (via)

.

Updated 5/2/14: 

Spike knew. She always knew. (via)

.

That was very, very dangerous. But cool. (via)

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I only hump American-made cars. (via)

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The tattoo artist only knew how to do glittery spiders for some reason. (via)

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If not great responsibility, at least more responsibility than that, surely. (via)

.

What if they mutate but they're still not that good at martial arts? (via)

.

Updated 4/2/14:

I'm guessing this is the last time anyone makes the mistake of trusting you. (via)

   .

I dunno, $20 still seems like a good deal. (via)

. 

Well, that seems irrelevant, but good to know. (via)

. 

Nope, not what that means. (via)

 .

Updated 3/4/14:  

All the rest have 31, except February which has 52. (via)

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It's just a very sad photo all around. (via)

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I give them a week before they're posting photos of each other slippin. (via)

   .

Why do I have the feeling this will take a while to explain? (via)

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Updated 2/4/14:

Also sometimes people are just sleepy. (via)

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Unfriend this person before their posts become upsetting. (via)

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Good thing I have my smart phone to document this. (via)

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Philip Seymour Hoffman would probably have thought this was funny. (via)

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A bargain at half the price. (via)

Updated 1/6/14:

He's going to the great cardboard box in the sky. (via)

   .

A.O. Scott does most of his reviews this way, too. (via)

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"Oh!!! Pretty!" was the last words of many a gladiator. (via)

   .

Reason #43,239 never to friend your mom, or son, on Facebook. (via)

The greened-out name is Santa, obvi. (via)

This is why the aliens will easily be able to overtake us. (via)

Updated 12/5/13:

Kids today don't watch enough VHS's.

"Superficial aesthetic characteristics" = "She has giant boobs."

I always grew too attached to the sausages we raised on my farm as a child.

Why would you want to avoid a place with a ball pit?

It's true! M.J. really was out of this world!

Ow.

Updated 11/7/13:

ERECTION! How many times must I scream "ERECTION"?!

Could be anyone's ass, really.

Don't forget the Holey Bagel.

Earth is destroyed every year.

SMMTH. (Shaking my mutant turtle head.)

LOL why would someone invent a non-cordless phone?

Updated 10/7/13:

Pics or it didn't happen.

Mr. Darren Buble has a nice ring to it.Swoon.

   .

Oddly enough, that book IS junk.
 

Updated 9/11/13:

Could lose a bit more if he put down the phone for a second.

   .

Sells puppy to get better phone to take pictures of puppy on.

   .

No, no, Timmy. Camels have humps.

   .

Same basic shape, you know-it-all!

   .

Rob may be a pussy, but he's no fool.

Updated 8/8/13:

In case you were wondering, her account number is 3771-1745.

   .

There are no awkward silences around that grasshopper.

   .

Children our are future.

   .

Seriously, 5 acres isn't even that many!

   .

If your phone's in a smoothie, what did you take the photo with??

Updated 7/12/13:

This commenter is now in a relationship with Youtube.

   .

They were chillen' together. Cyberchillen'.

Tonight on Fat Cops, a young boy who's just killed a man seeks help from his mama...

This is actually why they picked her for the summer internship.

Their lizard fucking is truly beautiful though.

   .

Updated 6/12/13:

Remember when Neil DeGrasse Tyson had that ugly feud with 50 Cent at the planetarium?

Ew, drinking Union Jack sounds dusty.

And...if you're lazy?

Time to go back to your original profession as a taxidermist.

Every mother dreams of her toddler turning out sexy.

Honestly, that's what "Granddaughter" gets for posting that statistic.

Updated 5/13/13:

They can be the same. Liking your own status on Facebook is a form of fapping.

Also, why did you marry such a heavy, finger-giving man in the first place?

No, stupid, the Italian flag says "Viva Italy!"

The only fun fact about Nazism, actually.
 

Screw white ghosts for oppressing all the minority ghosts.

It's a meta caption of a meta photo. Whoa.

Updated 4/18/13:

Dogs have patience. Human dogs, less so.

What the hell did that bunny leave in your basket?
 

It's the legend of the ghost bridge! The bridge has returned from the dead for vengeance!

Looks like he took a break for some refreshment, and to steal your wallet.

The real tragedy is Walt letting his legotism control his decisions.

Welcome to your kitchen for the very first time. Now make some really spicy coffee.

Updated 3/19/13:

Um, I've been leading a double life. I'm really a cheezy stock photographer.

This horrible relationship is making us hungry!

The GOP has decided to run a citrus in 2016.

His balls are really good listeners.

Thought you meant congrads on my bomb new lid, brah. But that marriage shit, yeah, LOL.

Updated 2/19/13:

You have a new friend request from Galileo (Galileo) Galileo Figaro.

Bobby's obviously never done mescaline.

We usually name our pimple, Gus. Short for Disgusting.

Can we just switch our order to the spaghetti? If no one's had sex in it?

Even the cat looks angry that someone brought Blue Moon.

It's cool. He has a vagina underneath his left knee.

Updated 1/23/13:

They're lucky he didn't just tie pistols to their feet.

Game of Thrones is bound to use this as a plot-point eventually.

   .

She should end it with him. He clearly wishes he was dating Spider-Man.

   .

The best way to stop forest fires is with a crapload of "likes."

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Just having a pet dolphin would be enough for us. Or an Xbox, for that matter.
 

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What would humans and ducks ally against? Swans?

   .

Updated 12/17/12:

Wrong. It's a framed picture of a mirror being photobombed by a ceiling fan.

   .

Commenters love to shout at a hat out on a ledge.

   .

We feel bad for twin girls. They can't ask kids on the playground to "come and play with us" without scaring the hell out of them.

. 

"Don't miss Kohl's holiday blowout!" -John 3:16

   .

Our grandma used to make a great soul loaf. So tender, so eternal.

   .

We'd go with the Bieber. Just to learn the sequence of terrible decisions that led to him getting the same haircut as our sister's girlfriend.

   .

Your Facebook friends: Misunderstanding deep-throating hamsters since 2006.

Updated 11/26/12:

In nature you're never more than two inches away from poo. And by "nature" we mean "our office."

   . 

People aren't that impressed when you train a man-parrot to talk.

   . 

Peace in the Middle-East won't be achieved unless we all bond over the new C-class.

   . 

He had to introduce himself to all the Taco Bells in the neighborhood.

   . 

Still waiting for the day when this country will elect its first teensy president.

   .

Oh the humanity.
   .

No wonder his personals ad seeking "Women into baseball glove material" always went unanswered.
   .

Updated 10/26/12:

Looks like a girl in a bikini committing suicide to us. Eye of the beholder?

   .

Another episode of "Blame Autocorrect Or Call Social Services?"

   . 

We're hungry and nauseous all at once.

  . 

Seriously, who are they flipping the bird at? The Bravo channel?

   . 

Like you'd still be able to see the top of the bridge.

   .

Why does this racist sexual inadequacy panic quiz have to implicate Gamestop?

   . 

We thought every page on the internet was kind of called "Fapping."

. 

Updated 9/4/12:

   .

Updated 8/7/12:

Updated 7/16/12:

Updated 6/28/12:

Updated June 5, 2012:

Updated 5/7/12:

Updated 4/20/12:

Updated 3/29/12:

Updated 2/28/12:

"If the person in front of me reclines her seat, so help us all."

If you ask Delta what happened on Flight 2370, they will say it was diverted to Jacksonville “due to safety reasons in regard to a passenger issue,” but that is just code for "some lady lost her goddamn mind."

Flight 2370 was supposed to be a non-stop route from NYC to Palm Bech, but then some lady went bitchcakes when the woman who was sitting in front of her had the audacity to recline her seat. Apparently, the crazed woman was trying to sleep on the tray table and was woken up when the back of the chair undoubtably slammed into her head. 

Fellow passenger Aaron Klipin was sitting next to the seat recliner when it all went down, and told WPTV, "This woman who was sitting next to me knitting actually tried reclining her seat back and the woman behind her started screaming and swearing and the flight attendant came over and that just exacerbated what was going on, and then she demanded that the flight land." 

I totally get it, lady. I hate being woken up too soon, too. But, when you're thousands of feet in the air on a plane that is carrying a bunch of other people, you have to pull it together. Demanding the flight be landed isn't just totally bat shit crazy, it's just plain rude. 

"The flight attendants went and spoke with the captain, while somebody was blocking her path to the cabin," Klipin said.  

He also remembers the woman said something to the effect of, "I don't care about the consequences put this plane down now."

You just know when that happened the plane tilted a bit due to the weight of everyone rolling their eyes at once. 

The pilot announced they were diverting to Jacksonville, and a flight attendant stayed by the lunatic until they landed and she was escorted off by police. 

Listen, lady, if you are going to be escorted off a plane by police (an inevitability when you've lost your goddamn mind), you might as well let the plane land where it where it was supposed to. If you wanted to go to jail in Jacksonville, you should have just bought a ticket to Jacksonville.

So unnecessary. This is the third recent instance of a plane being diverted over reclining seats. Just a week ago another flight was diverted because some guy lost his shit when the passenger behind him used a knee defender on a flight from Newark to Denver, and a few days ago a couple of Air Marshals were forced to subdue a passenger during a fight over a reclined seat on a Miami flight originally destined for Paris. 

(by Myka Fox)

"Welcome to North Dakota, home of the famous sugar." (via Fast Co.Design)

The folks at Fast Company's Co.Design blog created this map (which is interactive on their site) with the help of the Food Genius blog, showing the most "unique" dishes, ingredients, and/or food textures on menus in different US states. Sometimes, this is because a food actually is particular to that state. For instance, Pennsylvania's most "unique" dish is the hoagie sandwich, both because hoagies are awesome and because other places call these sandwiches subs or heroes. On the flip side, states that are not known for their cuisine tend to be bad in similar ways, hence the plethora of states with ranch dressing as their signature ingredient (or "dip"), although North Dakota may be the single worst with "sugar" as its defining taste. 

According to Co.Design, the map was created by using terms that Food Genius tracks on menus across the country, which includes dishes and ingredients but also "sensory terms" like "creamy" and "preparation terms" like "blended." The map shows how unusually prevalent a term is in each state, so a dark red state means that term appears in menus 40% (or higher) more often than in other states. In other words, New Mexico really likes Green Chile.

Surprisingly, "cheesesteak" went to New Jersey, although if you've been there, you know that South Jersey (which is tied economically to Philadelphia more than any other city) and the Jersey Shore have way more places boasting the "best Philly cheesesteaks" than the entire city of Philadelphia. Then, there's Maryland, which has "herb." We're going to need you to pee in this cup, Maryland.

Head over to Fast Company to see the full interactive map with lists of the top 5 most unique ingredients/dishes/textures in each state.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Congratulations Donnie and not Jenny! (Via Getty Images)

This Sunday saw the 90's nostalgia wedding no one has been dreaming of between New Kids On The Block "bad boy," Donnie Wahlberg and Playboy Playmate of the Year (1994), Jenny McCarthy. 

Despite how no one has dreamt of this wedding, none of us were dreaming of it less than Mark Wahlberg, who declined to make an appearance at the event. 

That doesn't mean that he didn't care to send his regards, though. Instead of standing by his brother for the big moment, he did the next best thing: he sent a public Instagram video of congratulations.  

If it sounds impersonal, that's because it was! Who needs to get the whole family dressed up when you can just set up a quick video accompanied by your wife and completely disinterested children? Mark keeps the vibe cool and casual with his legs spread wide open like he's trying to protect his space on a busy subway car. 

So why did Marky Mark and fam send a dispassionate and totally public round of "congratulations," instead of share in the couple's nuptials in person?

Mark blames their lack of attendance on daughter Ella's 11th birthday party, but it seems like a cop-out to me. Ella barely even acknowledges the mention of her birthday in the video. A more subtle clue as to why they didn't go to the wedding? No one mentions the bride at all. 

If they were really happy for the couple, wouldn't there be a "congratulations, Jenny," or a "best wishes, Jenny?" Let alone an "I'm so happy you married my brother despite being a total whack job regarding your crazy views about vaccinations, Jenny."

Mark does at least acknowledge McCarthy's twitter presence in this very sanitary congratulatory tweet:

Congratulations @DonnieWahlberg and @JennyMcCarthy, so happy for you both today.

— Mark Wahlberg (@mark_wahlberg) August 30, 2014

Such a touching sentiment, and so succinct. He still had 60 characters left! They were probably deleted from an earlier version of his tweet, "Congratulations @DonnieWahlberg and @JennyMcCarthy, so happy for you both today. Let me know when you've come to your senses about vaccines."

(by Myka Fox)

The face of a man who has had just about enough.

This guy's kids have not been listening to him. Or at least not to his face. So he decided to communicate in their native language of snark and create sarcastic instructional videos "to help them with life," posting them to where their eyes were already glued, social media. This one called "Toilet Paper Changing" has over a million views in three days, which means there are a lot of parents out there who can relate to being tuned out by teenage kids who are simply too busy texting and eye-rolling to deal with mundane crap like empty toilet paper rolls.

He says the video is the "first in a series," so if your kids have stopped listening to you, show them this video. And if they still won't listen, threaten to go viral yourself by shaming them online.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

"Now let's get a shot of just the bride and the cops." (via KDKA)

By all accounts, this Pittsburgh couple's wedding night was unforgettable. That's partly because it was all over the news after the groom was dragged away in handcuffs following a bloody brawl which began because he allegedly groped a pregnant waitress during the wedding reception.

The waitress working the riverboat wedding reception says groom Mark Williams was "handsy" the whole night and attempted to pour booze down her throat, even after she informed him that she was pregnant. That's bad form on any night, and just gross when the woman you just promised to love, honor and cherish is on the same boat still wearing her wedding dress.

The waitress called her boyfriend, who met the wedding party at the dock and had a few heated words with Williams. Cops were called to the scene after the two started fighting, and the groom was placed under arrest for the brawling and the groping. That's when his brother David, who friends say is a real trooper (more specifically, an off-duty state trooper), assaulted two police officers and was also cuffed. A third hero from the wedding party joined the festivities by punching out the window of a nearby car and screaming that he was HIV positive while resisting arrest.

David Williams is facing an internal investigation by the Pennsylvania police for his involvement. And Mark Williams is facing multiple charges, all of which will be a walk in the park compared to the shit he'll be catching from his wife about their wedding night, till death do they part.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

1. Internet Creeps Befoul Cancer Charity With Their Gross Jennifer Lawrence-Obsessed Money

After getting their fill of leaked nude pictures of celebrities like Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton and that one chick from Glee, whatever her name is, many Internet denizens attempted to deal with their guilt by donating to the Prostate Cancer Foundation to honor all of the good their photos have done for men's prostates lately. (Yuck.)

I call my butthole "Jennifer Lawrence" but no one cares when that leaks.

— Matt Koff (@mattkoff) September 1, 2014

2. CNN Asks The Tough Question In Wake Of Nude Celebrity Photo Scandal — Who Is This 4chan Fellow?

CNN showed its true worth in this modern era of technology, when 15-year-old kids in their parents' basement can upend the lives of celebrity millionaires by hacking into their personal cloud storage accounts and releasing intimate materials for the world to see. Not a channel to look away from a potentially dangerous line of questioning, CNN had its technology analyst Brett Larson wonder on air who this 4chan person might be. Obviously, he's Asian, but is he half-mathematical equation?

3. Chastened Rep. Eric Cantor To Hide His Tail Between His Legs And Scurry Off To Make Unimaginable Millions On Wall Street 

Now that Rep. Eric Cantor lost his primary election and will not be running for Virginia's 7th congressional seat, which he currently occupies, he will be forced to leave public office and enter the private sector. Cantor has already secured a job as a lowly vice chairman for the investment firm Moelis & Co., taking home approximately $3 million in his first year of work. The shame... the crippling shame.

Eric Cantor got a job on Wall Street, though technically it’s only a formality since he’s been doing their bidding for years.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) September 2, 2014

4. Apple Will Allow Customers To Embed Their Monetary Worth, In Addition To Their Self Worth, In iPhone 6

According to rumors floating around the tech industry, the upcoming iPhone 6—which is expected to be formally unveiled this Saturday—will function as an electronic wallet, holding all of its owner's digital money. This will make it much easier to purchase items in retail stores and to ruin every aspect of your life when the device slips out of your jacket pocket on the subway.

I can't wait for the iPhone 6 to arrive so people can start to feel pointlessly insecure about not having the iPhone 7.

— Ben Greenman (@bengreenman) August 30, 2014

5. That A-Hole Who Just Cut You Off On The Highway Is The Guy Who's Gonna Operate On Your Mom's Heart Later On

According to a new study, some of the worst offenders on the highways are also the ones that we're trusting to cut us open with scalpels and move stuff around all up in our guts. Research shows that of the ten professions most likely to cause car accidents, a whopping nine of them are medical workers.

I got soup instead of the salad I ordered, and now I know exactly how a patient feels when the surgeon amputates the wrong leg.

— Jason Roeder (@jasonroeder) August 16, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Dog tired.

Dogs love tires, thats why they hang out in swimming pools all the time. You know, just in case there's a tire in there. Fortunately for these two bulldogs, there was a tire in the swimming the day this video was taken! Unfortunately, a tire submerged in water is really hard to play with, posing a real challenge for these K-9 co-workers. 

It takes a little bit of splashing around for the dogs to come up with a suitable plan, but then they really start to work together. 

Great solution, dogs! We would have also accepted "drain the pool and push the tire up the wall with your nose," and "abandon the tire in the pool and chase one on a car instead."

(by Myka Fox)

What happens next might surprise you!

Too often we see an absurd Russian dash-cam video and just shrug and giggle, summing it all up with an, "Oh Russia!"

Then there's a video like this one, where we can only stare wide-eyed at the events, muttering under our breath, "Russia? Russia, what is this? What's happening, Russia? What is happening?!!"

In Soviet Russia, angry men in cartoon character costumes street-kick you! Apparently.

(by Bob Powers)

It's like Pooh got his head so stuck in a honey pot that he became Eeyore.
(via Facebook)

A suburban saga of social media and animal rescue unfolded this weekend as the plight of 'Bucket Bear' quickly attracted the attention of the residents of Perry Township, PA, where the bear was spotted multiple times wandering with what appeared to be a bucket stuck on his head. Wildlife Department officials have been aware of the bear for at least a month (there have been sightings since June), but claimed they could not assist because the bear was not hurting anyone.  It finally became public knowledge when Krissy Elder used a photo of the bear wandering on the side of Route 368 to begin a "Save The 'Bucket Bear'" Facebook page on August 31st. "I watched the bear bounce its head off the fence," said Elder, "that poor bear couldn't see where it was walking."

Wildlife Department officials told Elder they wouldn't help (they currently state that they had a live-trap set out for it), but after seeing the page, animal rescue volunteers Dean Hornberger and Samantha Eigenbrod decided they couldn't just sit and do nothing. So, on their Labor Day off, they set out to find the bear in the area it was most recently spotted. After coming up empty for a while, they returned to the stretch of road where it was seen in Elder's Facebook photo. There it was, and while Eigenbrod caught it all on camera, Hornberger just went ahead and tried to yank it off. The bear slipped free, but fortunately a car pulled over and Shawn Balcita, Eric Kribbel and Kaitlyn Lakin joined the effort. They chased the bear along a creek for 20 minutes and turned the ground into "the biggest mudhole in the area" before finally everyone jumped on top of the bear, allowing Shawn Balcita to pin it down in a sleeper hold.

You're a blurry, pixelated image of masculinity, Balcita. (via Facebook)

That's when they found out that the bucket was actually a "maxi," a kind of metal airbag that keeps tractor-trailers that have been joined from crunching together, and that the maxi's metal ring had slipped over the back of the bear's head. A simple Leatherman pocket tool saw failed to do the job, and so a hacksaw was required. After a whole lot of effort and some very good footage of a man holding down a bear, it was finally pried off and the bear ran off into the woods. The volunteers suffered only a few scratches, although Balcita noted that his job was a lot easier because the bear was severely underweight for this time of year (when bears begin to feast for hibernation) at only 180-200 pounds, and seemed to be exhausted. There was a small opening in the maxi near the bear's mouth that presumably allowed it to eat enough to survive this long.

Next on "Images you won't believe don't have an idiot in them." (via Facebook)

In related news, there is now a very hungry bear running around Pennsylvania.

(by Johnny McNulty)

It's the thing everyone's talking about and pretending not to investigate more closely: CelebGate. There are a bunch of celebrity nudie pics out there today that weren't out there yesterday, after the person who posted them claimed to have hacked into Apple's iCloud (which is where iPhones and other Mac products back up their data) and accessed their phones. This is a pretty disgusting invasion of privacy, but of course, everyone's attention is only focused on the naked pictures. Believe it or not, there are even more important things saved on smartphones in 2014 than birthday suit selfies. Here are some other pieces of digital property stolen from celebrities' phones that got overlooked in the excitement of well-known boobs:

• J-Law's Flappy Bird high score. It's 6, because she's adorably uncoordinated! 
• 5 remaining days on Julianna Margulies' free Crackle trial account. 
• A mass text between hundreds of celebrities filled with indecipherable in-jokes. 
• Shailene Woodley's clay-diet tracking app. "Ate a lot of clay today. Feel less polluted. Totally don't need feminism." 
• Unfinished draft of a thousand-page novel by Ariana Grande, which Grande's publicist insisted could not have been hers. 
• Text conversations between female celebrities and Jaden Smith all ending with "What the hell are you even saying, Jaden?" 
• A message on Victoria Justice's phone explaining who she is for any curious hackers. 
• Raw footage of a fully-clothed Kim Kardashian hard at work running her multi-million dollar empire. 
• The login information for Mary Kate Olsen's 4chan username, "CockMurderer." 
• Kate Upton's vast collection of nude photos of unfamous people.

(by Johnny McNulty)

"This just in: A purple dildo."

The best journalism school in the world can't teach the kind of professionalism it takes to keep your cool when a clown starts rubbing a dildo on your face during a live report. Even if Live Reporting/Sex Toy Contact was part of your curriculum, it takes an incredible level of concentration to deal with a Jack Rabbit in your ear when you're actually out in the field.

That's what's so impressive about this Sky Sports reporter doing a report on British football's "transfer deadline day." He was probably tempted to grab that guy and use the dildo exactly the way the manufacturer intended, but understood he had a job to do.

Why someone would have a purple dildo on hand to rub in a reporter's face isn't clear. But there's a lot about British sports I don't understand.

(by Jonathan Corbett)