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Channing Tatum wants to touch your junk and tell you why that's cool.

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Dibs on Dick Graze as a porn name!

Yes, I am well aware that this "Dick Graze" music video is essentially just a gussied-up advertisement for 22 Jump Street (available by Sony on Blu-Ray and DVD everywhere on November 28), but I don't care. For three reasons:

  • Aside from some very brief mentions at the very beginning and very end, it barely acknowledges the existence of the movie. Really, it's just a "viral video" done right. They clearly put some effort into it and tried to make it funny as opposed to just viral. And I feel that good intentions should be rewarded.
  • Not only would I watch a video of Workaholics' Jillian Bell reading the phone book, but I'd watch a video of Jillian Bell reading the screenplay of the video of Jillian Bell reading the phone book. And then I'd watch a video of Jillian Bell reading a selection of Rotten Tomatoes review blurbs about the video of Jillian Bell reading the screenpl— She's really funny is what I'm trying to say.
  • I kind of don't mind the idea of Channing Tatum grazing my dick so much. I saw him dancing in Magic Mike, so he practically grazed my dick for about two hours already. What's another half-a-second?

(by Dennis DiClaudio)


Laughing 'Fox & Friends' hosts: lesson of Ray Rice is "take the stairs" and watch for cameras.

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Don't worry, blonde lady. You're safe because cameras are on.

Fox & Friends' mixture of morning banter and aggressive talking points makes it regularly the most dystopian part of the psuedo-news organization's lineup, but today's apparently hilarious discussion of the footage showing Ray Rice knocking out his fiancée in an elevator (at bottom) is actually stomach-turning. Rice was still employed when this clip aired, although he has since been cut by the Baltimore Ravens.

First of all, Brian Kilmeade's asinine observation is that the lesson is "take the stairs." Then, Steve Doocey shoehorned in his own joke, because clearly there's more hilarity to be gleaned from this woman-punching video, "the message is, when you're in an elevator, there's a camera." Reverse those two statements and see how horrifying that is: 

"When you're in an elevator, there's a camera."
"Take the stairs."

By no means do you have to watch this, but if you think they were being amusing, maybe you haven't seen the footage:

Secondly, this is after the group ham-handedly tried to tie the Ray Rice incident to two other ones involving (far more) famous black men, Chris Brown and Jay Z. The connection to Chris Brown was that Rihanna also got back together with him, much like Ray Rice's fiancée. Now, there are perfectly valid reasons to compare the two, like if they were having an in-depth discussion of whether, much like the NFL, Brown's music label should have dropped him due to the domestic violence charges. They weren't, and furthermore, Brown and Rihanna never even fought in an elevator!

Now, the Jay Z and Solange fight did happen in an elevator, although as they reluctantly point out, Jay Z didn't hit Solange (not that it was right for Solange to hit Jay Z, but y'know). So, the lesson here is actually explicitly that domestic violence has nothing to do with elevators and can happen to anyone. Well, as long as they're black, because 100% of the people in their examples were black.

It's weird how they drew a different conclusion. Anyway, guess it's time to pan over to our uncomfortable-sounding coworker who is temporarily safe because she's on camera and not in an elevator!

(by Johnny McNulty)

Animals who ride animals are the happiest animals.

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For a dog riding a dolphin, you're acting like this is pretty normal.

If you hadn't noticed, today kind of sucked all around. That's all about to change, however, because video editor Robert Jones of Tastefully Offensive has kindly prepared this supercut of animals riding on other animals. If it's at all as soothing as his music video compilation of animals dancing to 'Push It,' prepare to be blissfully mind-wiped:

Of course, we're all just animals riding other animals, aren't we? No? No, you say? We're standing on the ground? Well, what's the ground standing on, silly? The back of a giant tortoise, obviously.* Is that the only animal, then, that's not standing on the back of another animal? You think you're so clever, don't you, but it's turtles all the way down!

(by Johnny McNulty)

*Unless you believe Terry Pratchett, who would have us believe the world is a disc resting on the back of four giant elephants who in turn stand on the back of A'Tuin, the Giant Star Turtle. A'Tuin doesn't stand on anything else, he just sails through space. Which is ridiculous.  

Good for you.

Breaking up.

Dancing kid at a wedding has two magic feet and zero time for girls.

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Ah, those years before a child finds out that most people think apathy is cool.

Weddings are as old as time, as are flamboyant kids who un-self-consciously bust a move on the dance floor around girls they have no interest in (whether yet or ever). Of course, even back in the beginning, there were always the adults lounging on the outskirts of the party who killed time by narrating the unsuspecting child's moves.

Basically, the footage we are looking at now could have been made by the earliest hunter-gatherers, except they didn't have video cameras, or hardwood floors, or clothes made out of things besides animal skins. What I'm trying to say is that this video has no description on YouTube and the comments are disabled (because this kid is pretty fabulous, and you can imagine how well Internet commenters liked that), so I have nothing else to tell you. Have a great Monday.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Terminated.

5 people having a worse Monday than you.

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5. Prince George of Cambridge, who just found out he'll have a younger sibling and potential rival to the throne.


(via Getty Images)

He's had a year to enjoy the perks of being an only child, but Kate Middleton and Prince William just announced that they have another baby on the way. This means that not only will Georgie have to share his royal toys, but since his younger sibling will likely see him as nothing but a speed-bump to inheriting the throne, George will have to spend the rest of his life sleeping with one eye open to make sure the kid doesn't try and take a shortcut to greatness. Hopefully he bones up on his Shakespeare and doubles up the Royal Guard on duty around his crib.

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4. Gun nuts who love sandwiches.


(via Getty Images)

Panera Bread just joined the ranks of chain restaurants that would prefer their customers not possess the ability to murder lots of people real fast. The chain issued a statement asking that "guns not be brought into this environment unless carried by an authorized law enforcement officer." Those who believe our founding fathers wanted a free people to have the right to protect themselves while ordering their slightly warmed chicken sandwiches will just have to hit the Subway. They're ready for you, as this bulletproof Subway shop clearly demonstrates.

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3. Anyone who forgot to save $600 to surrender to Apple for their obligatory annual purchase.

Tomorrow, the newest iPhone will be unveiled and millions of dead-eyed Apple devotees will have no choice but to upgrade to it—but that's a given. With the debut of the iWatch, however, the Apple faithful will now have another gadget to buy every year, along with the iPhone, iPad, and Macbook. The annual Apple consumer expense should increase from around $2200 to $2800 with the new gizmo, unless it's a dud. Please, let it be a dud. We're all broke.

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2. Anyone counting on Taylor Swift's new album to give voice to their seething, bitter, post-breakup shattered hearts.

If you decided a long time ago that you don't have to feel hurt anymore because it's easier to just let Taylor Swift feel the hurt for you, it's time to mend that broken heart by your own damn self. Swift told Rolling Stone that her new album doesn't have a track that takes aim at a former lover, because no one got close enough to break her heart recently. "In this period of my life," said Swift, "My heart was not irreparably broken. So it’s not as boycentric of an album, because my life hasn’t been boycentric." Then what the hell is she into now, model airplanes? Someone win this girl's heart and stomp all over it so her music can return to form, please. 

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1. This guy who commutes 220 miles a day, every day, including today, Monday.

Didn't get a seat on the train this morning? That damn bridge still under construction and adding 15 minutes to your drive time? Lid fall off your travel mug, staining your pants? POOR YOU! THIS GUY DRIVES 220 MILES A DAY! It involves leaving at 4 AM, riding in two cars and two trains, taking him from Richmond, VA to downtown DC to what Thurmond Alford calls his "dream job" as a program manager at the DOJ (it pays a lot). Congrats, Thurmond! You seem pretty happy, but from where the rest of us are sitting, your Monday sucked!

(by Bob Powers)


Gadget salvation.

69 ways to stand out from your freshman class.

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by Dan Abromowitz

As soon as they first set foot on campus, every freshman is racing to stake out a memorable identity and stand out from their peers. Here're some ideas to get out ahead and make people remember you:

  1. Wear a hat. "Hey, Hat Guy!"
  2. Flip a dainty fan.
  3. Have a big snake with a dumb name, like "Gus."
  4. Socks OVER sandals.
  5. Get a big ropey facial scar and a milky eye.
  6. Keep throwing boomerangs that never come back.
  7. Be poor and vocal about it.
  8. Be Emma Watson. Didn't you just graduate?
  9. Kill the dean... with a kiss.
  10. Start your own one-man frat.
  11. Start your own three-woman sorority. Yeah: you, yourself, and you!
  12. Make a lot of pop culture references. Wow, memorable!
  13. Sweat out of control, like way too much.
  14. Cry a river and drown the whole world.
  15. Take a physics class and a literature class.
  16. Ride a scooter everywhere but deny it for no reason.
  17. Lift the curse and free the campus statues.
  18. Break the campus record for bleeding.
  19. Speak four identical languages.
  20. Be like 40 years old.
  21. Missing top of head (brain showing).
  22. Have a wolf companion with a dumb name, like "Harold."
  23. Sexy pin-up tattoos but of scared old men.
  24. Ham satchel.
  25. Embroidered messenger bag full of tiny messenger bags.
  26. Good skin.
  27. Wear only one hue that gets darker and darker as the semester goes on.
  28. Full hijab, over a robot frame, operated remotely.
  29. Reach your hand into everyone's mailbox and wonder aloud about "free mail."
  30. Only use unisex bathrooms and tell everyone you only do "#3"
  31. Own four staplers.
  32. Live in a damn yurt.
  33. Befriend a townie who's a clown, a townie clownie friend.
  34. Insist on being called Charles Danson in honor of your heroes, Charles Manson and Ted Danson.
  35. Wear a bulletproof vest as pants.
  36. Live for the moment.
  37. Exist as a Rockefeller library.
  38. Skulk a bunch.
  39. Skulk at brunch!
  40. "Chipotle Mayo Danny."
  41. Never bathe.
  42. Bathe continuously.
  43. Listen to chill music and hang out.
  44. Grow your own weeds.
  45. Take a hostage.
  46. Adamantium skeleton.
  47. Perfect Blues Traveller impression.
  48. Convert sunlight into food.
  49. Be very memorable and likeable and handsome and well-adjusted.
  50. Die.
  51. Swing a big chain.
  52. Spend three months reading Infinite Jest in public spots, upside-down.
  53. Use words like "mighty," "truly," and "libations."
  54. Give 110%, on and off the b-ball court.
  55. Too many teeth.
  56. Chastity belt OVER pants.
  57. Bug doll.
  58. Be European.
  59. Glow.
  60. Dress in pelts.
  61. Do a surgery.
  62. Great handshake.
  63. One of those Gameboy phone cases.
  64. Live according to rigid moral precepts.
  65. Drink a whole bunch of beers!!!!
  66. Luchador mask OVER backwards cap.
  67. Chew cigarette tobacco.
  68. Burn continually, without ever being consumed.
  69. Sell pot.

Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.

Early adopter.

Shoddy service.

Kid wins title for "most bored person to ever meet the President in the Oval Office."

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I understand, kid. One look at Obama's paintings and beige color scheme and zzzzzzz.

"What'd you do today, Tommy?"
"Well, my dad is retiring from the Secret Service and we have to go to his boss's office, which sucks because Jimmy and I were gonna go see Guardians of the Galaxy at the mall."
"Is your dad's boss cool?"
"Well, my dad, who can do 1000 pushups, calls him 'Renegade' in his microphone all the time. So, I thought he'd be cool, but he's just tall. HIS COUCHES WERE SO COOL, THOUGH! I was like POOOSH! BOOM! PWSHSHSHHHH! and then dad told me I'm not allowed to make sounds like that in there."

This is an official White House photo from June of a Secret Service agent with his wife and son meeting the President before the agent's departure, and beyond that we must speculate (and we will).

(by Johnny McNulty)

It snowed in Canada yesterday, and this rescue dog can't believe what he's seeing.

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"This should not be!"

Guys, it snowed eight-inches in Alberta, Canada yesterday. That's not good! Yes, I know that it's a lot colder in western Canada than it is here, but it's still September. Even in Canada. After the winter that we just had, if I was up there and witnessed this happening, I would be freaking out all over the place. So, I kind of understand where this dog is coming from.

Sure, Link here is a rescue from California who had never seen white solid water falling from the sky before at this insane occurrence, so his confusion is probably mixed with notes of ecstasy. But that won't last for long. He'll be beaten down by the weather just the same as the rest of us. Still, it'd be nice to see snow and not immediately throw up, huh?

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 9, 2014

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1. U.S. Air Force Refuses To Re-Hire Soldier Who Won't Pledge Loyalty To Its Sky Deity 

A soldier at Creech Air Force Base in Nevada has been denied reenlistment after he refused to include the words "so help me God" from his official service oath, thus infringing upon the Air Force's constitutional right to not have to deal with a bunch of dirty, immoral atheist traitors.


2. Bill Murray Is Hoping For The Same New Ghostbusters That We All Are

Though Bill Murray has no intention of returning to the Ghostbusters franchise, he told an interviewer whom he would like to see suit up for the upcoming all-female paranormal exterminating team: "Melissa would be a spectacular Ghostbuster. And Kristen Wiig is so funny — God, she’s funny! I like this girl Linda Cardellini a lot. And Emma Stone is funny. There are some funny girls out there."


3. The World Will Finally Get The 'Top Gun' Sequel It Has Been Pining For Lo These Many Years

After nearly three decades, Tom Cruise and Jerry Bruckheimer are finally reuniting to give the world exactly what it wants more than anything: closure on what Maverick and Ice Man have been up to for the past thirty years. I wonder how Top Gun 2 will play out now that Don't Ask, Don't Tell has been repealed. Seems like there's all kinds of possibilities.


4. After 72 Years Of Relationship Bliss, A Couple Iowa Women Finally Decide To Ruin It All By Getting Married

After sharing a life together for more than 70 years, 91-year-old Vivian Boyack and 90-year-old Alice "Nonie" Dubes have decided to make their relationship official and stop living in sin. The two women were married over the weekend in Davenport, Iowa. It's kind of sad that they have to experience the difficulties of new marriage at their age. They'll get through it, though.


5. Persistent Scientists Still Trying In Vain To Make Americans Walk A Little Bit

Researchers who just don't seem to ever get the point are recommending that Americans get up from their desks and walk just a little bit, saying that a mere five minutes of low-key exercise can counteract the harmful effects of several hours of sitting. Nice try, science, but it's not gonna work. Now why don't you get back to working on the battery for this here Hoveround?


(by Dennis DiClaudio)


A father and son ambush their mom with a magnificent toilet paper gun.

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Sheets of our fathers.

There was probably no shortage of things Eric Cire's wife would've liked him to accomplish with his son Remy with a free Sunday afternoon--cleaning the garage, mowing the lawn, watching a documentary. If she left a detailed list of 100 different activities for the two of them, I guarantee that "design and build the world's most elaborate toilet paper gun to attack me with when I get home" would not have made the cut.

As productive as those other activities might've been, it's unlikely a guy will get teary thinking about the afternoon he helped dad sweep the basement. But there's no way Remy will ever forget the day he and dad successfully defended Fire Base Charmin with the TP6000.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

This guy got an ugly tribal tattoo, but don't worry, he fixed it.

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Say no more. (Via Imgur)

The thing about tattoos is that they invite strangers to ask you questions about them. While some people get them for the purpose of being a conversation starter, other people just get them for personal symbolic reasons and don't think through to the consequences of having to explain their tattoos. And some people, like reddit's kvd, weren't thinking at all because they were only 17-years-old.

Sure he got a self-described ugly tribal tattoo that stretches across his shoulder and back and will forever haunt his beachy days and sexed up nights, but rather than have to explain what this frat guy cliche means to him for the rest of his life, he added a tiny little footnote in ink, an asterisk in the upper corner leading to all the explanation necessary: "I was 17 at the time."

(by Myka Fox)*

*My parents were hippies when they named me.

It's not a company tweeting domestic violence jokes, it's DiGiorno.

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If that were true, it might stand a chance at being the saddest Lifetime movie ever.

The art of corporate social media is tricky and almost impossible to do well, but one handy "life hack" is to make sure you're not wading into an emotional discussion about domestic violence to make an accidentally tone-deaf joke. Of course, this strategy is not for everyone, and apparently not for DiGiorno Pizza. 

The relentless saga of Ray Rice knocking out his then-fiancée (now wife) Janay in an elevator, and (very) eventually being kicked out of football has taken a lot of twists and turns, but today, Janay spoke publicly and blamed the media and "unwanted opinions" for ruining her husband's career. In response to this depressing-yet-familiar language from an abused partner, the hashtag #whyIstayed started, where women and men explained what mental traps kept them in relationships like that and prevented them from seeing what was happening. Y'know. Like that their abusive partner had pizza.

I guess that's the problem when you just pull your social media responses out of a box of frozen, pre-made jokes instead of crafting your tweets by hand each time, eh, DiGiorno?

(bJohnny McNulty)

Insane footage of a guy pulling out of a garage and directly into a tornado.

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Now you see it. 

This man in Russia is attempting to leave for safety because his home is in the direct path of a tornado. As we see through the car's dash cam, he leaves too late, and drives right into the funnel. When he turns back to his garage, the tornado has blown it away. 


Now you don't.

The man in the car lives through the ordeal, which is incredibly lucky considering the footage he takes from a personal cam shown at the end. The back of his truck is completely blown out and and the drivers side door is riddled with piercings from debris.

There is an older date displayed on the dash cam, which LiveLeak claims is incorrect. The storm took place in August, and the video was uploaded September 8th. 

(by Myka Fox)

Mel Brooks makes 11-finger handprints outside the Chinese Theater in Hollywood.

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I want to get to the point where I can casually attach extra fingers at important events.
(screengrab via NY Daily News)

Mel Brooks had his hands and feet immortalized in the concrete outside the Mann's Chinese Theater in Hollywood. Wait, what year is it? It's 2014 and Mel Brooks hasn't had his handprints memorialized in cement for decades already? He has had a bronze star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for 4 years now, although 2010 also seems incredibly late for a man whose Oscar-nominated Young Frankenstein premiered 40 years ago. To reiterate: the Chinese Theater has the hand/shoe prints, the Walk of Fame is made up of bronze stars.

Still, the 88-year-old Brooks hasn't lost his touch, and even gained some by adding a prosthetic sixth finger to his left hand in order to make his submission for the sidewalk, y'know, funnier than everyone else's. He explained what he did on Conan later last night:

Before bringing his father onstage, Mel's son Max Brooks, author of World War Z,told the crowd "About time, huh? Comedians never get their fair share of recognition in Hollywood. How often does a comedy get best movie of the year?" The answer, if you exclude dramas with comedic elements, is six times, the last of which was Annie Hall in 1977.

His brief speech welcoming everyone to "this wonderful charade" was, as you would hope, full of quick jokes and self-awareness as he discussed arriving in Los Angeles from Brooklyn in 1952 and how the Chinese Theater became a personal landmark for him, reminding everyone that it is where bad guy Hedley Lamarr is shot at the end of Blazing Saddles, falling next to the prints of Douglas Fairbanks and asking "How did he do such fantastic stunts with such little feet?" before expiring.


I just now noticed that he underlined the L in Hedley.

The comedian, actor and director also told the crowd that he was wearing shoes given to him by George Raft (best known as Spats Colombo from Some Like It Hot) in 1948. It's fortunate that the late Raft can't complain however, since Brooks later tweeted that they would never be the same.

(by Johnny McNulty)

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