Congratulations! You have the correct reaction. You win!

Yesterday, I covered YouTubers The Fine Bros' video of Maisie Williams (Arya Stark from Game of Thrones) and other teenagers reacting to an original Nintendo system from the 1980s. Today, The Fine Bros are tackling the other end of the age spectrum by forcing old people to watch the trailer for the biggest mainstream BDSM movie since Secretary, the self-published-novel-turned-megahit 50 Shades of Grey. They had a lot of different reactions.

As you would expect, everyone seemed a bit uncomfortable, although the women seemed more familiar with the source material than the men. Everyone seemed disappointed it wasn't a legal thriller featuring vampire lawyers, but all in all I thought they took something that was so obviously about the "s-word" (hint: I'm not talking about the actual "s-word") in stride. Except The Fine Bros' dad, who was really upset that she didn't recognize Grey's dead, soulless eyes for the trap that they were. That was a weird moment.

(by Johnny McNulty)

He's not even there anymore.

Tired of eye-rolling your way through teaching your parents every aspect of social media, texting etiquette, not using all caps? We've got you covered. Our new video series, Patronizing Tech Tutorials For Parents, offers step-by-step instructions for your mom and dad while simultaneously allowing you to laugh at their expense. It's a pure win-win! Our premiere episode covers uploading and tagging Facebook photos. Send it to your parents and see how much they like it when they call you right afterwards.

(written by Dan Wilbur, designed by Cole Mitchell)

Be careful what you wish for.

Before you address a random woman, consider what you're about to say. 

Does it fall into the category of "telling another human being with free will what to do with her face?" 

If the answer is, "Yup, pretty much," you might want to keep it to yourself.

This is not for her sake. This is for your sake. This is for your safety. This is for your sanity. 

You just never know how quickly the world can fall to madness, as this hilarious little horror movie written and directed by Jessie Weinberg ably demonstrates.

(by Bob Powers)

"I don't care about what these ankles were designed to do, I care about what they can do."

Here's your Friday Morning Dance Party to get you ready for the weekend—everyone imagines they're a good dancer, so let this guy be your new mental image of what you look like when you're out on the dance floor moving like a scarecrow with arthritis. Fortunately, it won't be hard to pretend, since his name is Fik-Shun.

Fik-Shun or not, this is as real as it gets. Unbeknownst to me and my demographic of lame-oids, Fik-Shun was the male winner of season 10 of "So You Think You Can Dance?" So, I think it's fair to say at this point that he knows he can dance. This video is from World of Dance Live, hosted at the Universal CityWalk nightclub in Orlando, FL, and featured performances from Jabbawockeez (those dudes in the white masks) and others, but it was Fik-Shun who was almost too good to be believed.

Oh yeah, this was also shot two days before his 20th birthday. Once again, Fik-Shun: you can't make this stuff up.

Want more pre-weekend dance to envy? Check out two cousins who merged Memphis Jookin and ballet to create the coolest dance of the year.

(by Johnny McNulty)

1. Satanists Still Planning To Annoy Easily Annoyed Oklahoma City Residents With Silly Black Mass

In spite of—or, more likely, because of—protests by the God-fearing residents of Oklahoma City and a threatened lawsuit from a Catholic bishop, a Satanic worship group called the Dakhma of Angra Mainyu is following through with its plans to hold a public Black Mass ceremony in order to fan the flames of annoyance being generated by a proposed statue of Satan for the Oklahoma state capitol.

I'm getting old. I can't even remember the last time a Black Mass turned into a PCP orgy.

— Semiotic Stochastic (@mitdasein) September 18, 2011

2. This Story About The Senate GOP Filibustering An Amendment That Would Overturn Citizens United Should Not Technically Be Considered News

Senate Republicans are filibustering a proposed constitutional amendment that would overturn the Supreme Court's controversial Citizens United decision that grants full personhood to corporations. Just like we all knew they would. Even Sen John McCain—who called Citizens United the "worst decision ever"—is opposed to the amendment. Just like we all knew he would be. Go about your day.

Ooo if you play the new U2 single backwards Bono keeps repeating "Citizens United". #edgy#take#foxconn#meansnothing#igetmytakefromblogs

— Max Silvestri (@maxsilvestri) September 9, 2014

3. Michael Che To Become The First Black Comedian To Be Unfairly Compared To Chevy Chase In 'SNL Weekend Update' Gig

Saturday Night Live writer and Daily Show correspondent Michael Che has been announced as the first-ever black co-anchor for SNL's "Weekend Update" segment, which was originated in 1975 by Chevy Chase, who was funny enough, but not nearly as funny as people like to imagine he was. Watch this Daily Show clip to get familiar with the guy you'll be dismissively comparing to Chevy Chase for the next several years:

I just ordered shelves. I used a tape measure to see if they will fit. If you trust math, they will not fit. fuck math. Im michael che.

— Michael Che (@CheThinks) December 27, 2013

4. Ancient Big-Lipped Creature Serves As Inspiration For Name Of Newly Discovered Species Of Animal

The nomenclature of a strange-looking, big-lipped creature of ancient origin who has been stalking around concert stages for the past several decades was used as an inspiration for the name of a 19-million-year-old swamp-dwelling animal with similarly proportioned lips. The Jaggermeryx naida—which apparently looked kind of like a cross between a hippo and a pig—was named for Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger, who looks kind of like a cross between a blobfish and a gazelle.

To commemerate becoming a great grandfather, Mick Jagger has written a new song, "What a drag it is getting really, realy, really old."

— Doug Abeles (@dougabeles) May 19, 2014

5. Archeologists Make Several Groundbreaking Discoveries About Stonehenge That Aren't Nearly As Cool As You're Hoping They Are

Researchers have recently used digital imaging technology to make a number of very important discoveries about the ancient structure known as Stonehenge, and none of them involve ritualistic sacrifice or channeling the power of cosmic demon-gods. But the stones around it originally made a full circle, which is kind of cool.

Stonehenge only survives because it never came into contact with Paperhenge which was destroyed in a fight with Scissorhenge.

— Tony Cowards (@TonyCowards) September 10, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

The United States of intoxication. (via)

Odds are, you're sitting at work while reading this, where drinking at your desk is most likely frowned upon. And, unless you work for Vivid, viewing porn will probably earn you a sternly-worded email from HR, if not a visit from security with an empty box for you to fill before being escorted out of the building. So why not kill a bit of your Friday afternoon with the next best thing, some map porn of the most popular cocktail in each U.S. state.

The map was put together by Estately, and is based on the frequency of Google searches for specific drinks around the country. Some of the findings make perfect sense, like overheated Texans looking to mix up the perfect Margartita, or New York snobs convincing themselves that only a drink named after one of the five boroughs could the best F'n drink evah!

However, Google searches are far from an exact science. According to the map, Tom Collins is the most popular drink in five states, but those numbers could be skewed by the fact that there are people named Tom Collins. And it's not hard to imagine some Michigan residents Googling "sex on the beach" during the winter months for some tropical-themed erotica.

It's also not a coincidence that Screwdrivers aren't represented. They're pretty popular, but no one needs Google's help to pour orange juice over vodka.

This map is still interesting, but will likely be outdated as of today when half the people reading this Google "what the hell is a Pisco Sour?"

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Welcome to show biz, kid, now get on your hands and knees and bark like a dog.

Remember this kid? The Apparently Kid gained internet fame as the world's best child newscaster when he was interviewed about a ride at an amusement park. Apparently, he had never been on live television before.

He became a breakout success on August 4th which means, in viral-Internet-fame-time, he's probably ready for a mid-life crisis by now. But for the advertisers at Freshpet, he is as fresh as the gelatinous canned protein they sell.  

The commercial is for dog food, but the director has him clucking like a chicken for some reason. Is there chicken in the dog food? Unclear. It doesn't really matter because he's that kid from the Internet and he's wearing a shirt similar to the one I saw him wearing when he was on the Internet!

Eventually, he gets to the meat of the message: feeding your dog the wrong dog food will make "his farts stink all day and night."

Apparently, it is his first ever TV commercial. Welcome to showbiz, kid.

(by Myka Fox)

"Go Fat Boy," coming this fall to FXX.

Think Hawaii is nothing but palm trees, sunsets, and a whole lot of kicking back in hammocks? Remember, Dog The Bounty Hunter was filmed there. And so was this woman, who completely loses her shit after thinking she's been cut off in traffic. Use headphones, as the language she screams past her young child's face is rather NSFW, and also insensitive to big-boned people who don't like being cheered on by psychopaths. 

Ryan Arakaki, the poster of the video offered his side in the YouTube description:

This lady was looking down at something, maybe on her phone or something else but there was a good car and a half length of free space in front of her so I changed lanes (she was completely still, not moving at all waiting for red light to change). As I made my turn I could hear the lady's horn blaring. I looked in my rear view and I could see she was visibly upset. She continued to tail gate me and follow me closely. She then tried to either overtake me or get on the side of me to try and run me off the road. She did this a few times. I slowly drove the speed limit and made it to a shopping center near by. At this point the lady continued to follow me and I knew she wasn't going to let me go so I took out my phone and started recording her.

Thank you for the recording, Ryan. Now I'm just trying to decide whether the "Go Fat Boy" chant should be my ring-tone or just what I use for my morning wake up alarm.

(by Bob Powers)

"Does Beyoncé have drones, kid? No? Maybe you better pretend to be excited, then."
(via Getty Images)

Not being Beyoncé is a shortcoming that each and every one of us has to face in our lives—even the President of the United States of America. Barack Obama, 44th Commander-In-Chief and Leader of the Free World, visited an elementary school in Washington, D.C. to help the kids with a service project they were doing to commemorate 9/11. The first African-American president in history was excited to prepare backpacks full of donated toys and books for homeless children with a 6th grader named Madison, but she was less than thrilled. She explained that when she was told there would be a very special guest, she assumed it would be Beyoncé. 

"I really wanted it to be, but then I realized it was gonna be you," the overly-honest sixth grader told the President.

"I understand," replied the President, "Malia and Sasha would feel the same way." Malia and Sasha and everyone on Earth, bro.

Watch more news videos | Latest world news

Madison tried to walk back her statement in order to avoid hurting the poor President's feelings any more by adding, "and that’s even better!" The President is a smart man, however, and wasn't buying it. “I appreciate you saying that in front of the press. I know it’s not really true," replied Obama, only to have the First Lady chime in to agree, saying "I'd rather see Beyoncé" right in her husband's face.

Meanwhile, Beyoncé has yet to announce when she will let us elect her President.

God bless the United States of Beyoncé.

(by Johnny McNulty)

POV of everyone having an opinion. Google it. Tweet it. 

A bicyclist was cruising up NYC's 4th Avenue heading up to Union Square, all the while narrowly missing jay-walking pedestrians and sliding in between cars, when the thing you'd expect to happen because the headline of this article says it is going to happen, happened: he got doored.

The POV experience of getting clotheslined is painful enough, but what follows is the inevitable barrage of do-gooders insisting the cyclist go to the hospital followed by a tidy little blame fight. The cyclist blames the cabby for letting passengers exit into the bike lane (this is where the blame really lies), the cabbie yells at the passenger because he claims he told her to check for bicyclists, the passengers start crying and insist they never heard the warning, and then some rando wiping his greasy chip hands on his t-shirt blames the entirety of society for not paying attention because they are too busy Googling. 

It's all strange and wonderful, but for my money (it was free!), the best part is watching the cyclist fly through the streets trying to guess which car is going to be the one to door him.

This is why I don't ride in the bike lane. Good thing he was wearing his helmet. I love helmets.

(by Myka Fox)

"Love, Grandpa and the baddest motherfucker in the game."(via)

If you've been wondering why your grandmother has been sending birthday and holiday wishes from herself along with Grandmaster Flash, don't worry. Your grandma hasn't left grandpa for the hip hop pioneer behind "White Lines." The puzzling signoffs are the result of one of those uniquely modern problems that make old people want to smash their giant monitors with a hammer and throw their 2003 Dell towers in the woods.

Because of Facebook's auto-suggest tagging feature, grandparents have been accidentally sending out messages without noticing that their signoffs include the Hall of Fame rapper. It has been happening so often that there's now a Tumblr page dedicated to collecting the messages along with the resulting confused responses.

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The adorable SNAFU has been such a goldmine of unintentional comedy that Facebook will likely figure out a way to fix the problem. Until then, if you'd like to keep laughing at this technological plight of the elderly, you can do so here.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

"Huh. Did you know that Fleshlight has been in business since 1996?"
"No, Carol. I didn't. On a related note, I need you to talk to HR, pronto."

You learn something new every day, but if you work on the Internet, you learn a lot of things every day—most of which are disturbing and leave you with unsettling thoughts at night. It's our job as bloggers to sift through all the links that cannot be unseen once you click them to bring you those rare nuggets of amusing goodness. Every once in a while, however, we here at HappyPlace learn something that is both actually interesting and doesn't scar us for life. These are the non-horrifying facts we learned while writing articles for you this week:

5. The patent for the Fleshlight, America's most popular sex toy for men, makes no mention of pleasure or sex in its description.

A lust for freedom, an obsession with tweeting at inappropriate times.

Its patent, awarded to Steven A. Shubin in 1998 (he first filed in 1996), was for a "device useful for discreet/camouflaged collection of sperm." Although it's certainly useful at, uh, removing the sperm, we were unaware that it also makes collecting a sample easy and mess-free. We're also not sure that we wanted to know. This was discovered in the course of writing a story about Fleshlight's poorly thought-out decision to tweet about 9/11.

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4. Kids could care less about meeting Barack Obama.

Pictured here: the most important man in the world, according to people who are not kids.
(via Getty Images)

This week saw two high-profile instances of children being thoroughly unimpressed with the POTUS. First, the son of a Secret Service member showed the world that he'd rather flop face-first into a couch than talk to Obama, and then on 9/11, President Obama tried to help a sixth-grade girl make a care package for homeless kids, only to be told that she was hoping the school's special guest would be Beyoncé. Ouch.

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3. You can play fetch with your cat using your cat.

It's like curling with a fuzzy boomerang.

This entire concept simply never occurred to us until watching this video. Although maybe it should have, since we also loved this video of a guy tossing his kitten on a bed over and over.

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2. To make his footprints in front of Mann's Chinese Theater, Mel Brooks wore shoes given to him in 1948 by George Raft, who played a gangster known for his fancy footwear, Spats Colombo, in Some Like It Hot. 

Sadly, they didn't come with spats.

The main story pretty much passed over his feet in favor of the fact that Brooks wore a prosthetic sixth finger to make 11-finger imprints in the cement outside the famous theater (where the villain in Blazing Saddles meets his demise), but it was the connection between Mel's fancy shoes and the mobster with the best shoe-related name in movie comedy history that caught our attention.

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1. The song "99 Luftballoons" is crazy, but "99 Red Balloons" is even crazier.

At the end, a giant explosion...and then silence.

Even filthy Millennials are probably vaguely aware that Nena's 1983 hit "99 Luftballoons," the most popular German-language pop song since "Danke Schoen," was an anti-nuclear ballad and was translated into the slightly worse English version, "99 Red Balloons," but it's doubtful they know all the crazy details. Neither did we before this YouTube musician made an awesome cover of the song using only red balloons as instruments.

First of all, as anyone who has watched too much History Channel content on Nazi fighter planes can tell you, "Luft" does not mean "Red" in German—"Luftballoon" means (roughly) "floating toy balloon," as opposed to a blimp or hot air balloon. Secondly, the song actually has a plot—someone accidentally lets go of a huge bunch of helium balloons, and the shiny rising mass is picked up on radar by US and USSR early warning systems, accidentally triggering global thermonuclear war. Also, in addition to making the balloons red (possibly as a tribute to the famous 1956 short film), the English version also makes the song's narrator the person responsible for releasing the balloons. Finally, although most English-speaking countries preferred the English version, for once in its famously anti-other-languages history, America preferred the German version.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed the weird flotsam and jetsam of facts that washed up on our brains while we surfed the web this week. See you next week, when more knowledge will force its way into our minds against our will.

(by Johnny McNulty)