"I just ordered this aaa" - Paris "dogs are accessories" Hilton (Via)

Hey trend-followers, check out the latest Paris Hilton-approved accessory: Mr. Amazing. It is a "micro tiny little boy" Pomeranian, it weighs 10 ounces, and it is a must-have on Hilton's this-list. 

According to her Instagram account, Paris "just ordered this aaa" from Betty's Teacup Yorkies (name change pending due to expansion into other breeds), and it cost her a teeny tiny $13K. 

That's it? For a living, breathing toy? I have to have one!

According to their page, Betty's will ship anywhere in the world with their nanny service (I don't know), so I called up to ask if they had any more Mr. Amazings in stock. 

I spoke with JoAnne, who said they were all sold out of Mr. Amazings. Apparently, they only had one in stock because living things are "unique, and cannot be mass-produced," and I was told Miss Hilton had already snatched it up. Instead, I was invited to join their micro-Pomeranian waiting list.

If I was willing to settle for a female (gross) that didn't have a "triple white ice coat" like Mr. Amazing (triple gross), then I could be second in line for a toy (real dog) as soon as my $1,000 deposit cleared.

"I love him! Cutest thing on Earth! Love my new baby!"

No! I don't want some knock-off micro-pom. I want Mr. Amazing! Paris has declared him to be the cutest thing on Earth. Am I supposed to settle for second cutest? For a starting price of $5,500, I want a thing that Betty's describes as having "the flattest bear face ever!!!"

The face on this is so flat and bear faced.

Screw you, Paris. How could you introduce this to the world and then take the only good one? Do you know that JoAnne at Betty's offered me one that was "parti-colored"? It sounds fun like a party but it actually means that the dog could have some brown fur too. Gross. I might as well adopt a rat out of a sewer.

Just gross. 

(by Myka Fox)

"Did I say 'sexting?' OMG! Hashtag FAIL!"

Unless you're someone with an incredibly twisted sense of humor, there has been nothing to laugh about when it comes to Ferguson, Missouri for over a month. Until today! Thanks to South Carolina congressmen James Clyburn (D), who suggested "sexting" as a way to get citizens of Ferguson to the ballot box while speaking on C-Span. Clyburn is 74, so it would be reasonable for a guy his age speaking off the cuff to confuse "texting" with "sexting." That is, if it weren't for the fact that he'd already named "text" as one of the tools available to help organize voters, right before adding, "What do we call it? Sexting."

He has been a Congressional Representative for over 20 years, so he should know a thing or two about how politicians communicate in Washington. Who knows, maybe that is what they call it.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Dirtbag move.

How long had this sadistic monster been waiting to pull off this prank? Minutes? Hours? Days? He must have known that his patience would pay off, as cats are simply too weak to resist the temptation of an empty plastic bag, and that his victim would eventually step right into the trap.

The grey cat was so frightened, it could be weeks before he's able to play with another empty plastic bag. Or days. At least a few minutes.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Here at Happy Place, staffers spend their days ten fingers deep inside the bowels of the Internet. They've dedicated their lives (between the hours of 10 and 6) to untangling the Web, and in the course of that task, have come across the best and worst that cyberspace has to offer. It would be a waste to not share that knowledge, so in the spirit of bookstore clerks making "staff picks," we asked our staff to share the stupidest thing on the web that made them laugh this week.

1: This baby is metal as fuck. 
(Staffer Bob Powers)

(Via)

This baby can feel the metal flowing into its mouth and through its veins and is ready to grow up into a life of metal and bring metal unto the world all thanks to the invigorating power of pure, unrelenting, bottle-fed metal. Ozzy rules.

2: This tapir is shocked evolution even allowed it to exist.
(Staffer Johnny McNulty)

(Via)

This living, breathing creature with the face of Bert from Sesame Street and the ears of Shrek is extremely perplexed at the fact that it exists. The entire tapir species is rather dubious, as a matter of fact. Fortunately, through the power of Photoshop, many redditors found a way to make me giggle over and over agin at this majestically pointless beast.  

(Via)

(Via)

3: Snoozing criminal is a lousy jewel thief, but a hall of fame Floridian.
(Staffer Jonathan Corbett)

(Via)

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed—and he’s still here, catching a few Zs after filling a plastic bag full of our jewelry!” That someone isn’t Goldilocks, it’s master thief Dion Davis of Sarasota County, Florida, who was photographed by police this week just before they gently woke him from his slumber. Kidding, they probably tased the shit out of him!

4: The Beatles as they were meant to be heard.
(Staffer Dennis DiClaudio)

George Martin was a genius at production, but when he first brought the Beatles into the recording studio in 1962, the technology available to him was limited, to say the least. Today, we finally have the resources available to hear those early Lennon-McCartney compositions the way they had intended them to be heard — with dogs as instruments. 

5: This muffin that looks like a mouse (or a hamster).
(Staffer Myka Fox)

(Via)

Look at this stupid muffin! It totally looks like a mouse or a hamster, but it is actually just a muffin that might have a mouse or hamster baked into it! This bakery either has a cuteness problem or a rodent solution, so put down that blackberry and find out. Optional: served with a side of wood shavings. 

You should hear this butterfly's thoughts on the corporatization of the music industry.

Indie comic artist Taylor-Ruth Baldwin posted this image to her Tumblr page along with the simple description that it is an "actual diary entry from when i was in 5th grade oh my god." Is it genuine? I don't know. It almost seems too perfect to be credible.

However, even if you look at it as a fictive childhood artifact, it seems to so thoroughly encapsulate that moment when we're struggling to deal with the rising well of acrimony we feel roiling in the pits of our stomachs, but we haven't quite given up doodling butterflies in turquoise marker on our diary pages. This is the fertile ground on which the seeds of punk find their purchase.

Plus, "...if the Dead Kennedies [sic] do not like the man, so don't I," are definitely words to live by.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Putting all of our punning instincts to the testes.(via KSBW News)

I'd like to sit here and tell you that I'm writing this blog post because Thomas Cantley's efforts to shine a light on the dangers of testicular cancer are noble. I'd like to explain to you that I deeply admire that, instead of simply returning to the banalities of everyday life following his own personal victory over the disease, he decided to push a six-foot, flesh-colored ball across the country so that other men might think to get checked for it before it's too late. I would like for you all to believe that I am a good and decent person who seeks to use this media outlet as an opportunity to make a small but meaningful contribution to civilization.

But we all know that I'm writing this because of the giant inflatable ball, right? I mean, it's an enormous rolling gonad! I had to write about it. Not that the testicular cancer awareness thing isn't a happy side effect, but let's be real: if there were two stories I had to choose between, a guy trying to save people's lives and a guy pushing a humongous genital from state to state, which of the two do you think you'd be reading about right now?

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Awesome.

We really do ask a lot of our dogs. Not only are they on duty protecting the house from murderous squirrels and treacherous UPS delivery people 24/7, but it has now apparently fallen upon them to care for the weird-smelling human puppies that we bring home from god knows where periodically. If these faithful dogs don't haphazardly sort of cover them up with blankets and lull them to sleep, who will? It's a lot of responsibility!

No wonder they have to sleep 18 hours out of the day.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

You know we can see you, right?(Via)

Don't hate the Facebook hypocrites, cherish them. They are the digital manifestation of the frailty of human resolve. Also, they're really entertaining. if people were able to stick to a cohesive belief system from status to status, Facebook would be so predictable and dull. Here are just a handful of Facebook hypocrites who go out of their way to keep us guessing.

Perhaps they aren't being sarcastic with the "yeah, sounds like it"? (Via)

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The medium is the message. (Via)

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Translation: I am childish.(Via)

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Make sure and live-tweet your electronics-free period.(Via)

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Updated 8/18/14:

This got "hella" real. (Via)

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Hey CoughCough, are you going to take that crap?!(Via)

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The anti-bullying movement had a good run. (Via)

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Her badassery fluctuates from day to day. (Via)

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May you never practice what you preach, Jordan, you ripped slab of sex.(Via)

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Updated 7/14/14:

And never complain about people complaining about people complaining on Facebook! (Via)

Some profile pics are a mirror into one's own soul.  (Via)

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She said young girls. That pic on the right was posted after two long days of aging. (Via)

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Present company excluded? (Via)

Dan's not going to let you back out of this Adam. Happy 4th.(Via)

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But that movie is how Ashley feels. (Via)

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Slut-shaming, thy name is Corinne.(Via)

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Updated 6/17/14:

That's how people die you hypocritical animals!(Via)

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But when girls bitch about other girls bitching about other girls bitching... That's fine! (Via)

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Maybe they're being sincere? "I'm glad everyone behaves just like me. It's good to belong."(Via)

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"We only went in there to get directions away from there!" -The Simpsons(Via)

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Updated 5/20/14:

Come on. You gotta have one last party for the road. (Via)

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Fun fact, 95% of all status updates are posted near some form of toilet.(Via)

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You first. (Via)

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Can't I just attack others without being attacked for attacking others?(Via)

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Feeling whatever the opposite of self-aware is. (Via)

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You know, you can do the missionary position without actually converting people to Christ, duh! (Via)

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Posted 4/28/14: 

Also, his mind, soul, and morals are useless. Those abs are all he's got! (Via)

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What a difference a day can make. (via)

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Via mobile!

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Um...That's a lovely light switch panel behind you? (Via)

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Physician, heal thyself (of fucktardation)!

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These two will get to the bottom of this eventually.(Via)

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It's different when you do it to monitor your tanning progress. (Via)

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You forgot to tag some people. (Via)

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Willis who? Willis engaged in an internal battle for control of his moral center. (Via)

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Perhaps you would have meant more if you hadn't cheated?(Via)

Good to see you've cheered up...and lost all empathy.(Via)

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No, the purpose was for Zuckerberg to get back at a girl. Didn't you see The Social Network? (Via)

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You're going to hold him to something he said 25 whole minutes ago? Sheesh!(Via)

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Well, when two people love each other very much, they do what you did.(Via)

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But how else will Facebook know their review of the first 20 minutes of the movie? (Via)

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Baby steps.

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And they were bros forever and ever amen. (Via)

(by Bob Powers)

Something else you might enjoy...

"Maybe if they went the other direction they could find some better music. Heh. I'll tell her that one on the car ride home."

A few weeks ago, photographer Angelina Castillo took a bunch of photos of sad dads dragged to a Nashville One Direction concert by their daughters. The dudes look universally miserable, and yet frankly I find their stoicism heroic. There they are, attending a One Direction concert instead of napping in the car for several hours or taking a concert-length pee break. You ladies better appreciate what you've got. (Also, come on! This is Nashville! There is so much better live music you could be seeing!)

Now, YouTube user Jeremy Y. has taken Castillo's photos and turned them into this devastating video, complete with a Kurt Cobain quotation and the song "Mad World," aka the holy trifecta of sadness. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Cute! (Via UrbanOutifitters.com)

Forget what you saw at Fashion Week. If Urban Outfitters has anything to say about this season's latest fashion trends, everybody who's anybody is going to be wearing macabre reminders of college students being murdered by the National Guard. That and skinny jeans. Skinny jeans, always and forever.

This one of a kind "vintage" item, complete with fake blood spatter (and probably even faker distressed cotton), was being sold on UO's website for $130.

Kent State is the Ohio university where, on May 4, 1970, four students were shot dead by a National Guard unit sent in to quell a protest against the Vietnam war. Someone at Urban Outfitters apparently had the completely random and truly creepy idea to sell a winking reminder of the event, and of course someone in their customer base of teens who prefer their cool to be mass-produced and sold in malls already bought it. Congratulations to whomever managed to enter her mom's credit card number the fastest.

You might also like: A UT Texas "Bell Tower" t-shirt with several pre-cut "bullet holes."

The company Tweeted an apology an hour ago: 

Urban Outfitters sincerely apologizes for any offense our Vintage Kent State Sweatshirt may have caused. It was never our intention to allude to the tragic events that took place at Kent State in 1970 and we are extremely saddened that this item was perceived as such. The one-of-a-kind item was purchased as part of our sun-faded vintage collection. There is no blood on this shirt nor has this item been altered in any way. The red stains are discoloration from the original shade of the shirt and the holes are from natural wear and fray. Again, we deeply regret that this item was perceived negatively and we have removed it immediately from our website to avoid further upset.

I hate when "sun-fade" causes my entire shirt to fade in color except for what looks like fresh drips of blood just around the heart. Double-bummer when it's a shirt for a school that, over 40 years later, remains synonymous with our military opening fire on its own civilians. How unlucky!

It's nice of UO to every once in a while pop up with one of these brain-dead stunts. It lets us olds feel glad to have long ago aged out of being able to shop there.

(by Bob Powers)

Sorry, Coco, the mob has spoken.

Arguing about if/when The Simpsons hit its peak has been a national pasttime since at least 15 years ago, when the show turned 10. One of the most common opinions, however, is that the show's high-water mark came early on (even if you think it stayed good overall), during Conan O'Brien's stint as a writer and producer from 1991-1993. Of all his creations (which include the Sea Captain character and Jub-Jub the iguana), however, he has said that the Music Man-inspired episode "Marge vs the Monorail" is his favorite. As he explained this weekend at the live Simpsons celebration, "Simpsons Take The Bowl," however, the episode has also been a source of constant torture: 21 years of constant requests for him to perform "The Monorail Song," a request to which he and the Los Angeles Gay Men's Choir finally caved on Friday night.

Watch more live performances and reenactments from "Simpsons Take The Bowl," including songs from Matt Groening, Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley Smith, Hank Azaria, and Weird Al.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Honey Butter Blonde is the new onyx.(via)

In Martha Stewart's world, hating Gwyneth Paltrow is like little black dresses or the leather handbag. It will never go out of style. That was made clear this week when Martha jumped off the top bunk of better living to serve some extra-lean, aged beef to Gwyneth during an interview with Net-a-Porter, excerpted by Page Six. When asked what she thinks about Goop, Martha said “She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart."

Martha also fired a couple shots from her icing gun at Taylor Schilling, star of Orange Is the New Black, while reminding everyone she knows firsthand how to properly serve time, saying, “They could have done that so much better. That girl is not good enough, the lead actress.”  

Maybe the cruelest dig of all was Martha making the fresh fish of celebrity lifestyle blogging, Blake Lively, aware that she finds her so unthreatening she couldn't be bothered to fillet her. Stewart assigned that task to her Senior Vice President Kevin Sharkey, who said, “I don’t get the sense she’s credible. She’s enthusiastic, but she’s not credible.”

Who knows why Martha picked this time to go Taylor Swift-meets-Walter White on anyone trying to get a slice of her homemade pie. She does know a thing or two about shady dealing. Maybe she's got a stake in Net-a-Porter, and is banking on the fact that celebrity feuds will always be fashionable.

Whatever the case, Martha used the interview to remind everyone that when it comes to blonde WASPs, she's still the queen bee.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Who the hell is behind that towel?

This little tot was about to become a daddy's girl for life, thanks to her dad's unique and incredible ability to hide behind a towel and then magically reappear. If there was any doubt left in her mind, then his luxurious beard would have soon sealed the deal. But now that he's pulled the meanest peek-a-boo prank ever, he can expect to get a lot of World's Most Terrifying Dad mugs this Christmas.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)