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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 15, 2014

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1. iPhone 6 Breaks Records For How Fast People Will Buy Some Bullshit They Don't Need

Preorders for the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus reached a record-breaking four million units sold in just 24 hours. That is astounding. Just imagine how high sales would have been if there was any reason at all to buy this one instead of an iPhone 5. 


2. Sarah Palin's Family Has Provided A Version Of The Drunken Brawl Story They'd Like To Try To Get You To Believe  

A friend of the Palin family has made a statement to clarify how the events of last week's late night drunken brawl actually took place. According to the family friend, it was Willow Palin's ex-boyfriend who started the fight with Track, and not the other way around. And, the former governor supposedly didn't actually say "Do you know who I am?" but "Do you know who he [Track] is? He's a vet!" Seeing as how the Palin family has such a flawless track record with the truth, we should probably just accept this version at face value, don't you think?


3. Tim Tebow Starts His Newest In A String Of Failed Career Moves As 'Good Morning, America' Correspondent

Tim Tebow—who, in his short career, has had limited success as the quarterback for the Denver Broncos, the quarterback for the New York Jets, quarterback for the New England Patriots, and an analyst for ESPN—joined the cast of ABC's Good Morning, America as a correspondent this morning. Several hours have now passed, and he has not yet been asked to leave the show. So, that's a good sign.


4. Miss New York Wins National Beauty Contest That Still Exists In The Year 2014 For Some Reason

Miss New York Kira Kazantsev was crowned Miss America during last night's nationally televised ceremony in Atlantic City, despite the fact that we are currently existing in the year 2014. This marks the third year in a row that a contestant from New York has won the contest and the 93rd year that a bunch of self-respecting women have put themselves through this ordeal. 


5. Queen Elizabeth Issues Unexpected And Mostly Useless Statement On Scottish Independence

Queen Elizabeth has unexpectedly issued some advice for her loyal subjects who will be voting in this week's election to determine whether Scotland will remain a part of the United Kingdom or become its own country. A spokesperson for her has stated: "Her Majesty is echoing the message from Yes Scotland to all voters—to think very carefully about this one opportunity that Scotland will have on Thursday to choose our future." So, use that as you will.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Have no clue what the Scottish independence vote is all about? Let English explainer-person John Oliver explain.

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This is literally the best pro-union ad I've seen, and he's being facetious.

If you weren't aware, or were only just dimly aware, something really important is happening this week in world history: the Scottish people may elect to leave the United Kingdom, which would mean the end of Britain as we know it. Yes, Britain, the empire that America once rebelled against, the empire that once controlled over 20% of the world's surface and population, and that place James Bond is from. However mighty and proud the British Empire became, it all started with England forcing the nearby realms of Scotland, Wales and Ireland (now just Northern Ireland) into the United Kingdom. If Scotland gains independence, it will be the first time since the Enlightenment that London was no longer the capital of a united island, never mind an empire. In short, this is a big f-ing deal, as Englishman-turned-American-fake-newscaster John Oliver explains.

Indeed, the breakup of one of the world's most important countries over the past few hundred years would probably have huge ramifications for Scotland, what's left of Britain, the European Union, NATO, and the world—and the fact that the Scots may just go ahead with it (as the Irish watch with glee) is really a testament to how unbearable the English can be. Although probably not as much of a testament as just how badly the English have managed the "please stay with us" campaign.

(bJohnny McNulty)

Gone for good.

It happens.

Precious moments.

Kanye West stopped a show because a guy in a wheelchair wouldn't stand up.

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Kanye West deigning to perform.

Doesn't your heart just go out to Kanye West? All he's trying to do is live a dope life and do dope shit, but everybody's always trying to drag him down. And by everybody, I mean everybody! You, me, famous photographers who turn down offers to shoot his wedding like it's a fashion show, professional comedians who refuse to treat him with the solemn reverence owed to even the humblest of demigods. And now even the handicapped are ganging up on him.

During his performance in Australia last night, West was forced to stop the show twice due to a couple of people who just couldn't bother to stop being handicapped long enough to stand up and show the hip-hop star the respect he deserves.

After informing the Sydney audience that he would refuse to continue the performance unless every single person in the stadium was on their feet—telling them 'Imma see you if you ain't standing up, believe me, I'm very good at that'*—he was magnanimous enough to give one guy a pass after the dude took off his prosthetic limb and waved it above the crowd. 

But then he had to stop the show again. The Daily Mail explains:

But when another fan remained seated, he stopped the song "Good Life," saying, 'This is the longest I've had to wait to do a song, it's unbelievable,' before sending bodyguard Pascal Duvier into the arena to check whether the person was in fact in a wheelchair- which they were.

Since this guy checked out, West did decide to go on with the show. And when you think about it, that really shows what a chill guy he is. He could have simply walked off stage until everybody grew back their limbs and became sufficiently ambulatory. 

But, no! He went on with the show. Because he just keeps giving!


* Of course he is! He's good at everything!

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Working vacation.


5 people having a worse Monday than you.

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5. Kanye West. At a concert in Sydney Saturday night, Kanye refused to perform unless everyone in the arena stood up. He ended up calling out a couple of people in the audience who were resisting...because they happened to be in wheelchairs. Now Kanye is the subject of a lot of idiotic speculation about whether he hates people in wheelchairs, when we should actually be taking him to task for forced audience interaction. Seriously, is there anything more annoying than performers who demand that their audiences stand/dance/clap? The real victims here are people who just like sitting quietly. 

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(Getty)

4. Robin Thicke. Kanye isn't the only misunderstood male performer on our radar today. You may have believed Robin Thicke was a talentless jerk whose hit song "Blurred Lines" seemed to condone date rape. But in testimony that was part of a pre-emptive lawsuit against Marvin Gaye's family, Thicke admitted he was "high on Vicodin and alcohol" when he showed up to record the song, which was actually written almost entirely by Pharrell Williams. So, in fact, Thicke is a talentless jerk who didn't even write a terrible hit song. 

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3. Runner-Up Miss Virginia. Last night, Courtney Paige Garrett, aka Miss Virginia, competed to be the biggest anti-feminist icon in America. To make things even worse, she came in second. Miss New York Kira Kazantsev was named Miss America, while Runner Up Miss Virginia smiled like she was being forced to at gunpoint while watching her dog get run over by a train. Since it's unclear if anyone watches it anymore, I won't even bother enumerating the reasons the Miss America pageant is offensive and culturally toxic. At this point, it's sort of quaint in its ability to damage youngsters, like riding a bike without a helmet or drinking regular Coke. Still, if you're going to participate in such a ridiculous competition, you should at least win.

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(Getty)

2. The Queen. Scotland is gearing up to vote on independence, and it seems possible that this is the end of Great Britain as we know it. The Queen, officially, is not allowed to say anything about it since there's a constitution and she's just a figurehead and blah blah blah. Unofficially, she thinks it's a very poor idea indeed. On Sunday, Queen Elizabeth allegedly told a well-wisher at a church service near Balmoral Castle, "I hope people will think very carefully about the future." And we all know what that means! This is the queen, after all! For Her Royally Reserved Highness, that's the equivalent of stomping her feet and cutting off heads. Lizzie isn't keen on seeing her kingdom divided. What will be left for George's little brother or sister to inherit? The crap part of Ireland and a sliver of Wales? Pathetic. 

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(Getty)

1. Gwyneth Paltrow. Martha Stewart has had it up to here with Gwyneth's attempts at being a crafting and homemaking diva. In a recent interview with Net-a-Porter, she said Gwyneth "just needs to be quiet. She's a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn't be trying to be Martha Stewart." You tell her, Martha! If you can't stand the thought of her encroaching on your crafting empire, imagine how we Jews feel about her announcement that she's converting to Judaism after years of practicing Kabbalah (the Goop to our Martha Stewart Living). Just do your acting thing, Gwyneth! If you were confident about your acting, you wouldn't feel the need to remind us Jewesses that being frizzy-haired, chubby brunettes is our lot in life.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

This guy has video proof that his dog does not like him.

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Shiba's the boss.

Relationships are complicated, and I don't speak Japanese, so I have no idea where things went wrong with this guy and his dog. But one thing is clear: the Shiba Inu wants out. Again, I don't know the man well enough to judge his character, but my unsolicited advice would be to mellow out a little. Also, be significantly less creepy. It's obvious the dog is smart, and that the guy has spent a lot of time working with him on these tricks to make it seem like his pooch wants nothing to do with him. Still, it doesn't seem like the dog needed much convincing to accept the role.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Man captures giant frat boy fight while taking hilarious video selfie.

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Those grass stains are never going to come out.

This video selfie is a delightful juxtaposition of calm and chaos. In the background, we have a bunch of LSU frat pledges engaging in a sloppy 6-on-1 fight (7-on-1? 12-on-1?) with some poor guy in a purple shirt. In the foreground, we have a man capturing it all in a selfie, with his beatific smile sitting in judgment over the fracas. 

The clip blew up on reddit over the weekend where it was posted under the title, "When White People Fight." One commenter, redditor Fantastic, offered the following insight into what went down:

This is on the parade grounds at LSU at a tailgate before the ULM game this weekend. The parade grounds are the spot where all the fraternities set up their tailgates and it appears one house's pledges (the kids dressed nicely) had a problem with someone.

I don't know how drunk or naive the guy in purple was to think he could pick a fight with one pledge in front of all his brothers and not expect it to turn out that way...

Maybe he thought there's no way they'll want to mess up their fancy dress whites?

What's really surprising here is what pledging a fraternity amounts to these days. Hazing has gotten so tame that frats are reduced to making pledges suffer the humiliation of wearing white after Labor Day.

(by Bob Powers)

Colombian women's cycling team's uniforms makes them look naked—and people are losing their minds.

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Personally, this just makes me think of a Good Humor bar, and now I want ice cream.
(via Moreno Breda on Twitter)

The Giro della Toscana bicycle race in Italy never gets the press of more famous races like the Tour de France, but that is changing this year because of an optical illusion in the uniforms of the Bogota women's cycling team (it's a city team, not the Colombian national team). It looks like they're naked, but only in the crotch/hip area. This is causing quite a stir, particularly when some people seized on it with the misperception that some dude had intentionally designed this flesh-toned section to sexualize the female riders.

This impression wasn't helped when the BBC decided to run a photo of the uniform with a censorship bar running along the women's crotches (which probably sensationalized this more than anything).


They do realize putting censorship bars up makes anything look like porn, right?

The head of the Union Cycliste International, the world governing body for the sport of professional cycling, has even weighed in on the matter in a very dramatic way.

Here's the thing: this entire story is B.S. Who designed this sexist joke of a uniform? One of the riders, Angie Tatiana Rojas, a 22-year-old athlete and designer. Here's a photo that Rojas retweeted on her Twitter feed, which has mostly sidestepped the controversy, except for a tweet reading, "The uniform may not be the most beautiful and we may not like it, but there's no need for certain comments":

Also, they've been wearing it in competitions for almost a year with no complaints, including the winner of a Bogota race nine months ago. Why did no one say anything? Probably because the uniform is gold, not flesh-colored. It just shows up like that on film. 

Even if it was nude-colored, it's not like cycling is a really squeamish sport about seeing people's junk in spandex.

Want to know a really sexist and offensive thing I did find out about cycling while reading this? While even second-tier mens' racing teams are required to offer a minimum salary of €32,000, a woman competing at the Elite level who managed to win all the top-level races would probably fail to earn that much with all the prizes combined. But yeah, the color of their crotch spandex is the problem.

(by Johnny McNulty)

This lady's dog ruined her big chance to watch a building implode.

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"Where'd it go?"

When Philadelphia resident Kevin Sohnly pulled out his smartphone to take this video, he was almost certainly doing it with the intention of recording the Germantown neighborhood's Queen Lane Apartment building being demolished via explosives, but what he got was so much better. Without even realizing it, he captured an absolutely flawless piece of silent comedy slapstick. Watch the lady with the dog:

First of all, this is a classic comedic duo: the big and the small, the bumbling and the put-upon. Think of Laurel & Hardy, Abbott & Costello, Gilligan & the Skipper or Karl Rove & George W. Bush. The size differential can go either way, one half of the pair is always screwing up in some way that causes harm or inconvenience to the other. It's been used a thousand times because it works.

Secondly, the timing could not have been more perfect had Charlie Chaplin choreographed it himself. The second she turns away from the action and toward the dog, the building starts coming down. And then, just as she's coming up and back around, the cloud of detritus dissipates into the atmosphere.

Finally, the woman's response is brilliantly stoic. She just stands there, unmoving as everyone else moves on with their lives. We can't see her expression, but I get the impression that she's wearing a Buster Keaton-esque stone face. At least she does in my head.

I hope that more videos of this woman and her dog pop up on YouTube. Just going about their lives and getting into trouble that is accidentally recorded by unsuspecting people on their cell phones who are trying to record something else. It seems unlikely, but I'll definitely keep my eye out.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Obligatory message.

Giant wasp nest growing in a man's window is the perfect balance between cool and horrifying.

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Whether or not you're scared is less related to bravery than nerdiness.

Vang Tsal has a bit of an issue—there's a gigantic wasp hive growing on his window. On the one hand, this is absolutely terrifying, because the wasps are a.) huge, b.) plentiful, and c.) multiplying. On the other, there's a full-scale cross section of a working wasp hive growing on this dude's window! Cooooooool. There also seems to be a wall outside the window which the wasps are using to anchor the hive, but the way they built it still makes the window look like it's splitting a normal hive in half. Tsal even put a microphone outside so you can hear their little pitter-patter.

I mean, you can even see the gross, wiggly grubs gettin' all gross and wiggly:

Finally, check out this timelapse Tsal made (5x speed).

Check back on Tsal's YouTube page for the future videos he plans to upload to his Wasp playlist as the hive grows.

(by Johnny McNulty)


A man with Aspergers spent fifteen years turning his home into one big playground for cats.

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"I want these people meow-t of here."

I don't know who's getting more out of this deal: the cats or their owner. On this one hand, the four indoor cats are getting a crazy badass playground full of tunnels and turns and little secret compartments. But their owner, 49-year-old Greg Krueger, gets to spend all his time building that cat wonderland into the fabric of his Minnesota home. It's like a perfect symbiotic relationship.

Sure, Krueger has been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, but he seems pretty happy about it, and that's really only short hop over from regular old obsessive nerdism. So, I think I have a pretty good idea of what he's getting out of this relationship. Luckily for him and his cats, he's being obsessive about something that his cats can actually use and enjoy. 

I don't think my dogs are getting anything out of my immaculately organized iTunes library. 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This guy created an incredible song using YouTube clips of various amateur musicians.

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The band of strangers.

Every single day, amateur musicians upload videos of themselves singing, strumming, and banging, while giving tutorials, debuting originals, and ruining classics. There are so many forgettable musicians on YouTube, you could dedicate your life to hearing them all and still wouldn't be able to keep up with the volume. Not that you'd ever want to.

An Israeli musician, who calls himself Kutiman, not only has the patience listen to them, he has the talent to take people's seemingly random musical offerings and create beautiful music. This song is called "Give it Up," and it was created using 23 videos, including a 6-year-old girl's piano practice, a guitar teacher, an cappella vocalist, as well as a bunch of other musicians noodling away in their homes, completely unaware that they'd one day become part of a mashup masterpiece.

The song will be part of a full-length album called Thru You Too, which will be released on October 1st. Hopefully, the other musicians are aware of their contributions to this great song. Otherwise, Kutiman's next project could be called "Defending Myself from 23 Amateur Musicians Looking to Get Paid."

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Moonlighting.

Working smart.

Always there.

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