Man causes paranoid delusions in his roommate with wickedly clever Facebook prank.

September 17, 2014, 1:20 pm

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Why can't it be both? (via My Social Sherpa)

Now, this is how you prank someone in 2014. Brian Swichkow is a nerd and "a serial entrepreneur and perpetual life hacker" who runs the Internet marketing blog My Social Sherpa, but he should really consider a career as a professional prankster. A while ago, when looking for a roommate, Brian found another nerd who had already discovered all of his personal details online before responding to Brian's Craigslist ad. While most people would be unnerved by this creepiness, Brian and he bonded over their love of Dr. Who and, apparently, unearthing people's secrets online. 

Then, Brian's roommate teamed up with a friend of Brian and played a "rather elaborate prank" on him. Brian vowed revenge. Thorough revenge. 

Apparently, the Facebook Custom Audiences Terms don't include "no pranking."
(via My Social Sherpa)

His opportunity came when he was working on his Internet marketing job, designing targeted ad campaigns on Facebook (you know, the reason Facebook really wants all your information). Although he was working on campaigns that targeted thousands of people, he suddenly wondered: what's the smallest number of people you can target with Facebook ads? The answer, it turns out, was one: his roommate. (They've since changed the minimum to 20 people, but you can get around it by making 19 of them the opposite sex and creating a gender-targeted ad.)

(via My Social Sherpa)

Now came the deliciously evil part: convincing his roommate that Facebook knew more about him than is possible, even by the dystopian standards we live by today. We all know that Facebook targets ads to us. We can usually guess why we're seeing the ad ("Why yes, I do live in Brooklyn and wear sneakers!"), but they never say exactly why. Also, Facebook tracks all your online activity, so it could be anything you do online. 

It is necessary to mention at this point that in addition to being a huge nerd who taught himself computer programming before owning a computer, Brian's roommate is a professional sword swallower who can ingest up to 26 inches of blade. In an ironic twist of fate, however, the sword-swallower cannot take a pill without gagging. Weird, I know, but not as weird as it must have been to see this:

Something something penis joke. (via My Social Sherpa)

Understandably, this weirded out Brian's roommate, but at this point it was merely amusingly scary, and Brian was able to openly respond to him and egg on his paranoia without the roommate getting suspicious.

(via My Social Sherpa)

The first blow had been struck, and the seed of doubt planted. All Swichkow had to do was keep sending his roommate ads that were too targeted to be normal, but not specific enough to prove it was Swichkow sending them.

(via My Social Sherpa)

Unfortunately, Brian started getting a little cocky and almost blew the whole thing by referencing an inside joke:

(via My Social Sherpa)

After this, Swichkow was worried he'd get caught, so he laid off the pranks. He forgot about it for a while and assumed that it was over. However, he didn't consider the effect that the constant news reports about Edward Snowden's revelation that the NSA was spying on everyone would have on his roommate. The guy became more and more paranoid as time went on, thinking Facebook and the government were tracking him. 

One day, Brian called him with a routine question, which was answered with "not over the phone." Combined with his roommate constantly jumping out of his chair when people said hi, Brian realized that never revealing the prank to his roommate had caused some residual damage, to say the least. So, out of mercy, he created one last ad.

(via My Social Sherpa)

This came as a huge relief to the roommate, whose fantasies about being tracked by the NSA were spinning out of control. It also, I think it's fair to say, won Brian the prank war.

(via My Social Sherpa)

All this, by the way, cost Brian $1.70. I think it's fair to say Brian is pretty good at Internet marketing. If you would like to learn from his expertise (he's like a one-man "earn money from home!" ad except he seems to actually know how to do it) or read a more detailed version of how he pulled this off, check out his blog, My Social Sherpa.

(by Johnny McNulty)

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That time when Oprah Winfrey grilled the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles about their interspecies sex fantasies in front of an audience full of kids.

September 17, 2014, 1:24 pm

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I don't like where his eyes are going.

Hey, guys! Remember that time back in 1990 when Oprah Winfrey had the grotesque real-world manifestations of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon characters on her talk show, and then she asked them if they ever fantasized about their human friend April being a turtle, with the strong implication that it would be so that they could copulate with her?*

No? Really? Isn't that, like, a classic TV moment, up there with Geraldo Rivera opening Al Capone's safe and Hawkeye Pierce making the Korean lady on the bus kill her chicken? What? It's not? How is this not the most famous thing to ever happen in front of a television camera?

Luckily, some genius person out there had the foresight to preserve this syndicated gem on VHS, so maybe it will finally get its due. The moment in question happens at the 24:18 minute mark, but really there's so much more to see in the entire hour long show:

I don't even know where to begin talking about this episode. I mean, obviously it was aimed at the huge Oprah Winfrey-TMNT crossover audience. Obviously! But how did a thing like this actually come to be? 

It's ostensibly to promote the Turtles' Coming Out of Their Shells album and live performance tour, but how did Winfrey get roped into this? By this point in 1990, her show had already been on for four years and was a huge success. I realize that booking guests for a daily one-hour talk show isn't the easiest task in the world, but come on! Surely, there had to be a better idea than getting Winfrey to dance onstage with a bunch of guys in solid foam turtle masks.

All that said, this show is way less of an affront to the TMNT legacy than the new Michael Bay version. By a large margin.

* Interesting side-note: We'll never know if April ever did fulfill the the Turtles' dream of a zoological fivesome, but Sherie Rene Scott, the actress who played her on this show, did go on to star in the Off-Broadway musical adaptation of Debbie Does Dallas. Use that information for whatever salacious reasons you deem fit.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Coping mechanism.

September 17, 2014, 1:46 pm

≫ Next: Passenger Shaming is the Instagram account the airline industry needs.

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Passenger Shaming is the Instagram account the airline industry needs.

September 17, 2014, 2:48 pm

≫ Next: This is not what you want to hear after you make a coyote call in the woods.

≪ Previous: Coping mechanism.

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Surprised anything that nasty made it through security. (via)

The debate that's been raging lately over whether or not it's okay for plane passengers to recline their seats may never be settled. At least, until the airlines decide to settle it the debate by locking the seats upright and moving every row 3-inches forward in order to squish one more row of miserable fliers onto the plane. Many instances of awful behavior will never be regulated, because rules can't possibly keep up with the increasingly inventive ways people comp up with to be "that asshole" on the plane.

That's what's so great about the Passenger Shaming Instagram account, dedicated to calling out those one or two thoughtless dickheads the rest of us have to deal with every time we fly. Let's hope it becomes popular enough that at least some people will think twice before acting like chimps, but not so popular that it leads to even worse people saying, "Dude, take my picture--this is going straight to Passenger Shaming!"

He can't even go into a 7-Eleven like that.

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Too bad that scissors aren't allowed anymore.

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"The Captain has requested that you stop masturbating."

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"Mind if I recline my entire body?"

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"Careful, shorts may have shifted during the flight."

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For more fantastic examples of how not to behave on a plane, check out Passenger Shaming.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

This is not what you want to hear after you make a coyote call in the woods.

September 17, 2014, 3:36 pm

≫ Next: This black bear just wants to play on your backyard swing set since you're not using it.

≪ Previous: Passenger Shaming is the Instagram account the airline industry needs.

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All this is missing is some more darkness and glowing eyes in the underbrush.

From the "nope" department, here's a really good reason not to go into the woods and make the same noises that animals with pointy teeth make, unless you're carrying a gun like this dude. This is the vocal equivalent of the guy who made the terrible decision to squash a spider and received a horrible surprise.

Granted, coyotes don't pose too much of a threat to two full-grown dudes equipped with very loud and bullet-filled guns. That said, coyote attacks are on the rise as urban sprawl exposes coyotes to humans more often. The animals, which are smaller than wolves, can weigh up to 40-45 pounds and travel in packs—they're also responsible for the majority of livestock deaths from predators. As urban sprawl expands, they switch to scavenging human food, further decreasing their natural fear of us—as a result, attacks on pets and children have increased.

Then, of course, there are coywolves, a new and fast-growing hybrid species that combines the size and cooperation of wolves with the reduced fear of humans and higher intelligence that coyotes have. Coywolves are scary.

(by Johnny McNulty)

This black bear just wants to play on your backyard swing set since you're not using it.

September 17, 2014, 3:39 pm

≫ Next: This slow motion video from a dog kissing booth will warm your heart, if it doesn't gross you out.

≪ Previous: This is not what you want to hear after you make a coyote call in the woods.

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Q: What's the only thing cuter than a playful black bear wandering onto the yard of your Anchorage, Alaska home and joyfully rolling around on the ground with a deflated blow-up toy?

A: When that same bear moves further into your yard and begins playing with your kids' swing set.

I don't know what is up with bears lately, but they are killing it! Whether they're frolicking on golf courses, crashing children's parties or strolling around town like their people, they are clearing going for the gold here.

You'd best step up your game, dogs. Those kissing booths of yours are only going to hold them off for so long.  

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This slow motion video from a dog kissing booth will warm your heart, if it doesn't gross you out.

September 17, 2014, 4:35 pm

≫ Next: Coming clean.

≪ Previous: This black bear just wants to play on your backyard swing set since you're not using it.

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Sealed with a lick.

Dog kisses are like eating oysters; a little messy, often gamey, and not for everyone. But most dog lovers put up with it because they know how much joy pooches get from licking people's faces like they were bacon-flavored and smothered in gravy. Dogs can't express themselves with words, and tail-wagging is involuntary, and usually means they're happy to see you. But a good face-licking is a dog's way of saying, "I love you," and it means a lot to them that you accept their sloppy affection. Just try not to dwell on the fact that may have just said "I love you" to their ass and balls.

Some people at the 2014 Indiana State Fair enjoy dog kisses so much they were willing to shell out a dollar for a few laps of love at the Dog Kissing Booth.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Coming clean.

September 17, 2014, 5:00 pm

≫ Next: Four more years.

≪ Previous: This slow motion video from a dog kissing booth will warm your heart, if it doesn't gross you out.

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Four more years.

September 18, 2014, 5:00 am

≫ Next: Bartender gets revenge after she's groped by one too many hedge funders. Guy makes it way worse.

≪ Previous: Coming clean.

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Bartender gets revenge after she's groped by one too many hedge funders. Guy makes it way worse.

September 18, 2014, 7:50 am

≫ Next: Pretty inside.

≪ Previous: Four more years.

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Tip: If you realize you were just an a-hole and groped someone, tip apologetically well.

When they write the history of public shamings, this may be remembered as the crowning achievement in the artform.

Attended Hold-her-ass Prep. *high five*

The Internet has done many things, but one of its many benefits is how many more options it provides to relatively powerless service workers who are treated horribly by entitled customers. And there's nowhere in the country with more entitled customers than New York City and its burgeoning population of hedge fund sociopaths. Laura Ramadi tends bar at Lucky Strike in SoHo to support her acting career, and it must have taken a lot of acting to be civil to Brian Lederman of Swiss Performance Management after he immediately grabbed her ass and ordered her "to go." When the sullen finance bro left her a crappy tip after this display, it was the straw that "broke this tied-ass camel's back," leading to the amazing public shaming you see below.

What's truly makes this amazing is how he responded after she wrote this (hint - it involves calling her the c-word in a newspaper):

(Here's a link to the post on Facebook.)

So, if I was that guy, I'd probably go into damage-control mode and apologize, but I'm sure Brian Lederman would tell me that's why I don't make more money. Brian Lederman has bolder strategies, and when he was contacted by the NY Post for an interview, he chose a different tact: "I've grabbed plenty of girl's asses in my life, but I've never grabbed hers." Excellent defense, Brian. Really well done. 

He did, however, admit to making lewd comments, and in fact his recollection is even grosser than hers. Although she accused him of asking for her to go, he wanted to make sure everyone knew his hilarious line was actually "I'll have you to go with nothing on it." Nice. 

As far as his opinion about her public Facebook letter? Well, as he told the Post, "That f–king c–t, for her to do something like that is pretty ridiculous. I will make sure she doesn’t get another job in New York City. I know everybody. The bar owners, the club owners — that’s a terrible thing to write about somebody.”

Yeah, not like threatening to ruin someone's life because they called you an a-hole. That's Master of the Universe material right there.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Pretty inside.

September 18, 2014, 8:19 am

≫ Next: Did Coke Zero just create the most disturbingly terrible panorama photo of all time?

≪ Previous: Bartender gets revenge after she's groped by one too many hedge funders. Guy makes it way worse.

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Did Coke Zero just create the most disturbingly terrible panorama photo of all time?

September 18, 2014, 8:30 am

≫ Next: Looking out.

≪ Previous: Pretty inside.

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She gives the highest fives.

Coke Zero is apparently the official drink of taking pictures of crowds of Southern kids at USC Gamecocks games like this one against the Georgia Bulldogs. Unfortunately, their efforts at doing so should land them in the All-Time Worst Panorama Photos Hall of Fame. Clearly, the highlight of this photo is Ms. Armhead, although let's not forget the headless girl behind her or the woman with a Gamecocks logo for a face. Someone give Armhead a sign to wave, her talents are really going to waste.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Looking out.

September 18, 2014, 8:58 am

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This amazing sex advice column may just determine the fate of the Scottish Independence vote.

September 18, 2014, 9:00 am

≫ Next: Temporarily yours.

≪ Previous: Looking out.

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There's nothing like an absence of crude oil to dry up your sex life.

In case you don't know (and honestly, if you're American, why would you?), Alex Salmond is the deliciously named First Minister of Scotland, the head of the currently-not-independent nation's government (although that independent status may change this afternoon). So, normally, he doesn't answer sex columns. 

In fact, he never does. This is from a satirical newspaper called the Viz, and you may have noticed that although it's Salmond's picture, he's listed as Samond. Nevertheless, this advice column is hilarious. The punchline at the very end is easily the best part.

Nigel Farage leads the UK Independence party, whose only issue is leaving the EU.

I don't know what the Viz's actual stance on independence is (they're in Northeast England, so probably against), but I guess they're making fun of Salmond's tendency to work the issue into everything. If you want to learn more about the vote, check out Englishman-turned-American-fake-newsman John Oliver's explanation of the entire issue.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Temporarily yours.

September 18, 2014, 9:11 am

≫ Next: Happy Place Investigates: Should we be upset about Beyonce photoshopping her thigh gap?

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Happy Place Investigates: Should we be upset about Beyonce photoshopping her thigh gap?

September 18, 2014, 9:16 am

≫ Next: A man robbed a store using only a banana. And he didn't even bring his own banana!

≪ Previous: Temporarily yours.

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We demand more thigh! (via)

Beyonce posted two new photos to Tumblr showing her 33rd birthday celebration from last week, and fans and haters alike are speculating that she may have photoshopped her thigh gap. The only evidence they have is the hilariously distorted stair visible between her legs:

Probably a bad stair. (via)

We here at Happy Place are shocked that anyone could ever think Beyonce would want to photoshop a single hair on her perfect body, but we believe in the scientific method around these parts. That's why we're bringing you a special Happy Place Investigates: Should we be upset if Beyonce is photoshopping her thigh gap?

Reason We Should Be Upset

1. We're missing out on the extra bit of Beyonce that was photoshopped out.

2. It means Beyonce doesn't think she's pretty enough, which means we're all really ugly. 

3. Think of the children! That's always a reason to be upset.

4. It's never okay to edit photos of yourself. It's only okay to let magazines do it.

5. If she's not editing these photos, the earth literally bends due to her gravitational pull. Sounds dangerous.

Reasons We Should Not Be Upset

1. Beyonce gave us another opportunity to look at and talk about her! We're so lucky!

2. Come on. Would Beyonce really photoshop her thigh gap after all the scrutiny of earlier thigh gap photoshops?

3. It will distract us from freaking out over whether she's pregnant with number two!

4. That little imperfection is what's keeping Beyonce from achieving nirvana and spontaneously ascending to heaven. Keep Beyonce on earth!

5. Beyonce.

I'd have to say the evidence leans toward us not being upset about Beyonce photoshopping her thigh gap. What do you think?

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

A man robbed a store using only a banana. And he didn't even bring his own banana!

September 18, 2014, 9:20 am

≫ Next: This kitten is mesmerized by her own tail that she can't control.

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He's rotten.

Philly Police are looking for a guy who robbed a convenience store using only a banana in his pocket. And he didn't even bring his own banana! He grabbed one that was sitting on the counter, practically begging to be thrust into a sweatshirt pocket and used as a fake weapon, and demanded money and cigarettes from the cashier. The cops note he made off with an undetermined amount of money and 25 cents worth of fruit.

If we want to lower the rate of convenience store robberies, we have to stop selling fake weapons in convenience stores! That means no more bananas, mini flashlights, boxes of Mike and Ikes, glass bottles of Coke, eyeglass repair kits, Corn Nuts, or novelty pens.

Here's hoping Philadelphians on Twitter rally to find this guy (like they did with a recent hate crime) before anyone makes a simply criminal banana pun on the word "appeal."

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

This kitten is mesmerized by her own tail that she can't control.

September 18, 2014, 9:23 am

≫ Next: Commitment issue.

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Just wait till she sees string.

Let's be clear, this video of a kitten locked in a heated battle with its own tail will not change your life. However, there's a good chance it will brighten your day for the next three and a half minutes. Hell, if you really love cats and put it on repeat, you could be looking at 18-20 minutes of solid entertainment. Sure, cats live in a world of their own imaginations, and are constantly under attack in their minds by random, non-threatening objects. It's just that usually, those objects aren't attached to their own bodies. What I'm saying is, this kitten is really cute.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Commitment issue.

September 18, 2014, 9:27 am

≫ Next: Burst water pipe turns basketball court into a hallucination.

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Burst water pipe turns basketball court into a hallucination.

September 18, 2014, 9:50 am

≫ Next: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 18, 2014

≪ Previous: Commitment issue.

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The home court advantage is knowing how not to trip on your home court.

 As one redditor put it in response to this image, "there goes the art/music/history dept. funding." A pipe burst under the basketball court of this high school, and the result was this shiny Salvador Dali gym. When I first saw it, I thought it was under water because of the reflections, and then I realized we were either looking at an instant skatepark or a great setting for a sequel to Space Jam. C'mon, it looks like it could be a weird space court. Work with me here.

(by Johnny McNulty)