Bad offense.
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Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino is facing ten years in prison for tax evasion.
The Situation, indicating how much trouble he's in. (via Getty Images)
The Situation is not good. That's because Mike Sorrentino has been charged with filing false tax returns on nearly 8.9 million dollars of income. Investigators may have realized something was wrong when they noticed that the Situation has made nearly 9 million dollars. Because, c'mon, that's not right. But it's not illegal, unless you spend that money on cars, booze, and body spray, then write it all off as a business expense.
The IRS probably figured that a guy who calls himself "The Situation," and is famous for getting wasted and acting like an idiot might not be the brightest bulb when it came to handling his finances. I know that's technically not how it went down, I'm just saying this couldn't have been the toughest nut to crack.
An attorney for Mike's brother Marc, who was also indicted, says "The charges are fiction," and that "the government is relying on the word of a disgraced accountant who is a proven liar." Mike hasn't made a statement yet, but I hope his legal strategy will be based on something stronger than this quote he posted to Instagram yesterday:
With his track record, he must regret screwing a lot of people over the years. But even a "young and dumb" 32-year-old should know better than to screw with the IRS. This is either the stupidest stunt he's ever pulled in his storied career filled with stupid stunts, or the smartest. Because a reality show/legal/prison drama sounds like the closest thing he's had to a sure-fire hit since he was getting punched in the face by Ronnie in Italy.
JUDGE: How do you plead?
THE SITUATION: Sexy. Would your honor care to meet me at a sidebar, for Long Island Iced Teas and a little fist-pumping?
JUDGE: Motion denied.
THE SITUATION: Your honor, may the jury be instructed to disregard... my shirt? (lifts shirt) So that I may call attention to these abs!
JUDGE: Let the record show that the defendant has a gut.
Okay, maybe that sucks. But it's not any worse than a reality show about a tanning salon.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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Phoning In The New Year.
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 26, 2014
1. America's Worst Attorney General Since Its Last Attorney General Stepping Down
Eric Holder announced yesterday that he is stepping down as head of the U.S. Department of Justice. His six years as Attorney General marked one of the most controversial and divisive periods in our nation's history since Michael Mukasey stepped down from the position in 2009 to make way for Holder. He will certainly be remembered as one of the least effective Attorneys General at least until his successor is named.
Attorney General Eric Holder resigning to spend more time being grilled about Fast and Furious by his family.
— Miles Kahn (@mileskahn) September 25, 2014
2. Derek Jeter Ended His Last Game At Jeter Stadium With A Clutch Single That Won The Game For The New Yorker Jeters
Good news for Yankees fans: Derek Jeter finished off his last game in Yankees stadium last night amidst a cacophony of joyful cheers by triumphantly hitting a single into right field and knocking in the game-winning run. Good news for everyone else: Derek Jeter finished off his last game in Yankees stadium last night.
Yeah, but when is Derek Jeter going to fix our ISIS problem?
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 26, 2014
How fitting that Derek Jeter ended his career with the Yankees by playing baseball.
— Joe Veix (@joeveix) September 26, 2014
3. 'Daily Show' Tricks Redskins Fans Into Accurately Representing Themselves
Last night, the Daily Showaired a controversial segment featuring Washington Redskins fans, who later complained to the press that they felt tricked into hearing the words that were coming out of their mouths as they attempted to justify their support for keeping the name of their football team, despite complaints that it is offensive.
The Redskins should change their name immediately so the NFL doesn't get a reputation that it's associated with oppressive, violent people.
— Keating Thomas (@keatingthomas) September 26, 2014
4. New Ad Campaign Claims Republicans Are "People" Who "Put Together Ikea Furniture"
Texas-based Republican strategist Vinny Minchillo recently unveiled a brilliant new ad campaign, called "Republicans Are People Too," that attempts to convince average Americans that his fellow conservative voters are human beings who accomplish things like cooking food and putting together furniture when they are not chasing down gay people with pitchforks or stealing food from starving children to give to corpulent CEOs.
#ImARepublican Republicans are people & they have feelings so stop trying to pass laws preventing them from marrying each other. Oh wait...
— Al Turnell (@DemocratAl) September 25, 2014
5. Brazil Releases 10K Undercover Agent Mosquitos Into The Environment
Brazilian researchers recently released 10,000 mosquitos infected with a special bacteria that may help suppress Dengue Fever in the region. The idea is that these insects will blend in with those around them well enough to infect the entire population. Hopefully, not too many of them will be discovered, killed and sent back to the lab in tiny little burlap sacks.
There was a mosquito in the room so I yelled and tried to outrun it. I no longer have coping mechanisms for summer.
— M. Sweeney Lawless (@Specky4Eyes) September 26, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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Easily remembered.
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Jury
A jury is a group (typically twelve in number) that attempts to decide the fate of another human being in time to get home for 2 Broke Girls.
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Now Derek Jeter should play mediocre NBA basketball a few years before pathetically attempting a baseball comeback
Eli BradenFri, 26 Sep 2014 10:16:02 EDTNow Derek Jeter should play mediocre NBA basketball a few years before pathetically attempting a baseball comeback
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Benedict Cumberbatch tries and fails to say the word "penguins" as he narrates a nature documentary.
Yes, they are penglings now, but soon they will grow into full-sized pengs.
The BBC nature documentary South Pacific (or Wild Pacific in the US) is full of the usual BBC nature documentary delights—stunning settings unlike anything you see at home, bizarre and fanciful creatures, and of course the civilized, relaxing tones of your English narrator. In this case, that narrator is that bizarre and fanciful creature, Benedict Cumberbatch. Despite having had to pronounce "Benedict Effing Cumberbatch" his whole life, the word "penguins" makes the modern incarnation of Sherlock Holmes sound like a third grader trying his best to talk about the Antarctic in a school play about animal habitats.
Despite what Graham Hughes wrote, what I heard was Pegweens. Or pigweens. Which is gross. Whatever it was, I hope Sherlock has to solve a penguin caper real soon, so he can yell at Watson that if he were just a little bit smarter, he, too would see the penglings for what they are: duck submarines.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Does this cat have perfect timing or is he a psychic medium sent here to tell us something?
But what does "honk" mean???
In ancient Egypt, cats were worshipped as they were thought to be "keepers of the underworld," and respected for their psychic ability.
Now these regal animals are mostly just famous for falling asleep in weird places and making funny faces, but evidence, though subtle, of their psychic abilities still emerges.
Take this grey goddess, for example. Barb Kinney was outside filming her felines, as you do, when this happened:
Is this cat a psychic? Or, it this the devious work of man trying to create the perfect cat/car hybrid. Has science gone too far?
(by Myka Fox)
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Emily Deschanel
Emily Deschanel is the Frank Stallone of the Deschanel family.
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Dirty mind.
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News anchor drops live F-bomb without realizing his rant against government assistance is on air.
"Stay classy, New York."
With unemployment still way too high, I'm always happy to report about a sweet job opening. Like the news anchor gig that should be opening today at News 12 The Bronx. That's because current anchor Matt Pieper didn't realize he was still on the air while discussing the need for more school crossing guards with a reporter, and dropped this bit of wisdom on viewers:
“And Dave wants you to also mention that parents do their fucking jobs and walk their little kids to school on their own and not rely on everyone else. Kind of like people rely on government assistance for their entire lives. And bye Felicia. I actually added the part about government assistance but it’s true. I mean, how old are these kids?”
He's ranting about the need for school crossing guards in New York City? Way to speak truth to power. Maybe the sweetest part of the entire tantrum is a news anchor not realizing his mic is on and swearing while telling other people how to "do their fucking jobs."
The rant caught the attention of viewers, like the guy saying "Did he just say that?" who recorded this tape. The show posted an apology to their Facebook page and attributed Pieper's views on parents trying to get their kids to school safely in The Bronx to a "technical error."
As a result of a technical error during a program break this morning, a personal conversation between an anchor and a reporter was unintentionally placed on the air. The conversation included offensive language and inappropriate commentary. News 12 the Bronx deeply regrets that this incident took place.
As of this morning, Matt Pieper still has a job, which is too bad. Because I'd really love to know what his views on government assistance would be if he were to find himself in the unemployment line.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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Getting flushed.
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Two kids act out the audio recording of an elderly married couple reminiscing about their first date.
These old farts still remember their youth.
Whoever said youth is wasted on the young never made the youth lip sync conversations from old people. Bored Shorts TV recruited two children to act out a recording of an endearing elderly married couple reminiscing about their first date.
The kids are perfectly dressed and styled to match the fogies they're mimicking, and pull off an impressively convincing acting job.
Oh, to be a young person being an old person again.
(by Myka Fox)
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Ass load.
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Size matters.
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Instagram tried to shut down "slutsofinstagram," but it's not what you think it is.
What a beautiful duck face! (Via slutsofinstagram)
When you are Instagram, a giant photo-sharing sight referenced daily in the media and pop culture, it makes sense that you would need to protect your brand. So, when redditor editormatt registered slutsofinstagram.com, the legal team behind the famed selfie publisher quickly came calling with a cease and desist letter.
You are undoubtably familiar. (Via Imgur)
Edith from the legal department makes no qualms about edditormatt referring to Instagram's users as sluts, but she is directly concerned about their trademark rights.
Editormatt, however, played the innocent on this one, and claimed a different parsing of the letters in the URL. Instagram? What is giant wold-famous Instagram? This is a website about Slütsof, a duck princess, and her adventures in the mythical land of Stagrâm. That's why he named his sight Slütsof In Stagrâm - A Magical Journey. See? It is a real site! Get it?
Here's the front page of his site to prove it:
Consider my imagination ignited. (Via Imgur)
Wink. Wink. Get it? Do you get it? Notice the hero of the story, Slütsof, is a female duck, a sly reference to the popular trend of women to make the duck face in selfies. This duck is no princess, it is a fuck you, and this fuck you duck and her goat brother, Whöresof (In Stagram) are ready to embark upon a magical journey of telling the Tyrant King (The legal dept. at Instagram) to go fuck its selfie.
Edditormatt sent Edith from the legal department a screen shot of his innocent website, a link, and also this reply where he really ramps up the ignorance factor by calling photo app a "cool video game."
Fingers crossed ;) (Via Imgur)
If you can't beat em, pretend to be a naive fantasy artist. So far, Edith of Instagram has yet to respond to edditormatt, so he remains legally safe for the time being. After all, they can't own the alphabet, "that would be funny imagine!"
In true Internet fashion the threat of censorship has caused this edditormatt's site to take off. Despite slutsofinstagram.com's lack of slut pics, the domain is succeeding anyway as fans are sending in submissions to support the adventure site.
Here's a detailed drawing of Whöresof the Magical Goat:
His adventure shoes are sparkly as hell. (Via slutsofinstagram)
And here's one of the Tyrant King, King Stormy Knives, complete with "trademark bow tie," looking for "innocent (alphabet) letters" to put in his dungeon:
Don't get hypnotized by his trademark bow tie! (Via slutsofinstagram)
The map even got a cartographer's touch:
Look out for that whirlpool! (Via slutsofinstagram)
And one supporter even came up with a national anthem for the land of Stagram, honoring its lake filled mountains and hills of gold:
Glory be.
Citizens of Stagram, hold your cameras in front of your bathroom mirrors and sing along!
"Oh Stagram, holy Stagram, with your mountains full of lakes, glory Stagram, triumphant Stagram, your goats and ducks do grace. From Ghost Forrest to Cyclops Cave your glory is ten-fold. Oh Stagram, glory Stagram, your hills are filled with gold!"
(by Myka Fox)
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This cat's sneak attack on a sleeping dog is so not cool.
How about a heads up, cameraman?
After watching this video, the question isn't about why a cat would attack a defenseless dog napping on the couch, because we know the answer--cats can be massive A-holes at any time for no reason. The real mystery surrounding this video is how the dog could possibly fall asleep in that house in the first place?
Whenever we post videos of big dogs being afraid of cats, many of the commenters express wonder about how a big dog could be intimidated by a much smaller cat. This is why! The dogs are terrified of winding up on the cat's hit list and never being able to sleep soundly again.
Yes, dogs can be huge jerks too. So, in the interest of fairness, here's a video from yesterday of a dog inexplicably attacking the cat every time its owner uses the ice machine.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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Coolest guy running for governor this year just put out a (pretty good) campaign rap with Wyclef Jean.
He hates money in politics, he supports critical thinking & freedom, and will probably lose.
Mayor Mike Dunafon of Glendale, CO is running for Governor in the Rocky Mountain State as an independent candidate with a libertarian streak. Wyclef Jean, since he's not the president of Haiti, is still a rapper. Mike Dunafon (aka The Most Interesting Politician In The world) is now also a rapper/spoken-word poet, thanks to his collaboration with Jean, "The Trap":
As you can probably guess from "Colorado Libertarian," Dunafon strongly supports Colorado's repeal of cannabis prohibition, and is largely running on keeping it in place and supports incentives to create a thriving medical and recreational cannabis industry. He also, apparently, hates party politics and accuses both parties of creating a lack of dialogue where real issues can be discussed critically. This is, of course, totally accurate.
This is the cage of party politics thinking. I'm surprised you're allowed to smoke in it.
I mean, you know, he's a non-party politician, so the things he says make total sense and he'll never be elected, ever, because that's not what elections are about. That being said, we can watch his awesome rap video and wish we lived in an alternate universe without two-party rule.
Don't forget that a large part of that 1% of "people" are corporations.
Don't get me wrong, Dunafon has issues as a candidate. He's strongly pro-choice, but he also owns an upscale gentleman's club called Shotgun Willie's in Glendale, CO. He hates the religious intolerance, discrimination and extremism that's taken over the GOP, and he rejects a lot of the Democratic party platform as the road to socialism. He took Glendale's bond rating to BB to AA-, but his focus on local control of education makes me wonder where the money came from. So, basically, what both sides like to hear and what both sides hate to hear. Still, though, it's a nice change of pace. Also, these Most Interesting Politician In The World videos aren't half bad, either:
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Bride-to-be's sister creates the most terrifyingly creative Bachelorette party.
"Becky, if you don't want me to marry him, just say so. Don't give me nightmares forever."
Someone out there has the good fortune/terrible luck of being redditor malsapeach's sister, and we wish her all the best with her marriage to the guy whose face has been printed out and tied to all of these women's heads. That's right, her last big hurrah as a single woman was greeted by tons of cutouts of her future husband's face. Kinda takes the wind out of your sails for the stripper cops later on.
Perhaps the recent art project where the greatest photographs of the 20th Century were recreated with John Malkovich reminded malsapeach of Being John Malkovich, and she wanted to reenact the famous "Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich" scene. Maybe she just wanted her sister to not bone a random dude in the bathroom in a moment of desperation and fear.
No, wait! I'm wearing a mask! I'm a young, pretty woman! Is this not where the party is?
Most likely, she wanted to remember their childhood moments playing Goldeneye for N64.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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