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There's finally a cookbook that helps you prepare food with condoms!

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D-licious!

We've all been there. You've got all these extra condoms lying around the house, but you're too famished to clean them up. All you want to do is swallow some dick-shaped food to get some protein into your system, but who wants to prepare a meal in a house littered with condoms? If only there were some way that solve both problems with one disgusting solution.

Actually, it turns out there is!  


Suggestive of a well-balanced diet.

Kyosuke Kagami's new e-cookbook Condom Meals I Want to Make for You offers a number of classic Japanese recipes such as “Condom Meat Stuffing,” “Condom Push Sushi,” and the always popular “Condom Escargot Cooked with Butter.” 

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!! (Coincidentally, that's also the sound I make when my mouth is full of a big latex tube of meat.)

(by Dennis DiClaudio)


Drunk math: The entire alcoholic beverage industry depends on alcoholics.

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Stop judging me, lamp!

Alcoholics drink a lot of alcohol. That's not news, but what might be new is this: According to the info in Phillip J. Cook's book Paying the Tab, the top 20 percent of alcohol consumers account for 80 percent of alcohol sales. It turns out, most Americans (60 percent) aren't even having one drink a week! Not even one! Whereas the top 10 percent of drinkers are drinking more than 75 drinks a week. That's more than ten drinks a day. Thats two six-packs, or one pint of hard liquor. Every. Single. Day.  


The heavy drinkers are doing the heavy lifting. (Via Washington Post)

I don't want to judge, but that sounds unhealthy, you know, for your liver. But it's very healthy for the ethanol industry. As is pointed out in the Washington Post, that the top ten percent of drinkers are drinking half the booze. Basically, if most nights you are leaning on a wall for support, the alcohol distributors are leaning on you. As cook states, "If the top decile somehow could be induced to curb their consumption level to that of the next lower group (the ninth decile), then total ethanol sales would fall by 60 percent."

In other words, if our alcoholics sobered up, even just a little, the liquor industry would go broke. Or, to keep profits up, booze prices would skyrocket. 

So next time you're tempted to judge that really loud woman in your office, or that guy on the subway sweating vodka into the atmosphere, remember to thank them. They're the reason you'll still have money to retire on after your one drink after work.

(by Myka Fox)

This happy bearded dragon lizard eating crickets is about as cute as reptiles get.

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"I am the lizard king. I don't do much of anything, other than eat crickets."

Lizards get a bad rap as pets. They don't cuddle or fetch. They frighten most children. And GEICO isn't helping. No one has ever improved their image by reminding people of auto insurance.

However, Calcifer the Bearded Dragon's happiness as it gobbles up crickets is so contagious, he has the potential to undo at least some of the public relations damage done by Gila Monsters, Komodo Dragons, and that annoying cockney pitchman that is somehow on my television more than Seinfeld.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Every other dancing dog video you've seen is garbage compared to this.

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Do a little dance, make a little love, get over the fence tonight! The fence tonight!

Don't get me wrong, we here at HappyPlace have told you that other dancing dog videos were great. We weren't lying; they were great, for the time. That was before this pooch came along (with a little help from his derpy friend) and redefined what "awesome" means:

This was posted to facebook by Zhang Yunqian. Well, according to Google Translate, anyway. But Google also told me that the name of the video was "Bichon Frise healing system." Which is kind of correct, since I certainly feel better after watching it.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Casual Friday

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Casual Friday is the only time you should ever see what your co-workers might look like outside of the office.

Good news! You can be a three-boobed fraud this Halloween.

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Not an actual photo of Jasmine Tridevil, believe it or not.

On the off chance that you didn't already blow your Halloween budget on an ALS Ice Bucket Challenge costume, I think I've got just what you need to be the coolest person at your local apple-bobbing party: a genuine Jasmine Tridevil costume, complete with three even faker-looking breasts.

No, no, no! There's really no need to shower me with your eternal gratitude. I'm not the hero here. The good people at HalloweenCostumes.com—who provide everything you need to make this the breast Halloween ever—are the real heroes.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Mario Kart

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Mario Kart is a video game designed to realistically simulate what driving is like in Italy.

Big financial CEO steps down after daughter writes list of 22 important growing-up moments he missed.

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See, my love for my daughter should have been up here. Sadly, it was below the table where my other hand is. (via World Economic Forum)

Especially on a day when a huge revelation will be made of secret tapes made of discussions between the New York Fed and Goldman Sachs on banking regulations, it's really surprising to get such a sweet and heartwarming tale out of the finance sector. Mohamed El-Erian, 56, is a big deal in the business world, since he controls PIMCO, the institutional investment giant with over $2 trillion in assets. He made $100 million in 2011, and lives in Newport Beach, California (no cameos on The OC, though). PIMCO manages money for major pension funds all over the country—basically, he plays with huge numbers of people's retirement money, and when PIMCO invests in something, people notice. 

However, El-Erian's daughter also noticed what a big deal he was in the investment community, but mainly because it meant he wasn't a big deal at home, or at least not present. This, it turns out, is why El-Erian suddenly (and at the time, without explanation) stepped down in January of this year. It sent shockwaves through the business press and his peers, but they probably could never have guessed why.

In an essay he wrote for Worth, he revealed the "wake-up call" he received from his daughter that led to this decision. After a normal parenting argument with his daughter over teeth-brushing, his daughter responded by going to her room and coming back with a slip of paper.

As El-Erian told Worth, "It was a list that she had compiled of her important events and activities that I had missed due to work commitments... The list contained 22 items, from her first day at school and first soccer match of the season to a parent-teacher meeting and a Halloween parade."

Feeling misty eyed? It must have been tough for Mr. El-Erian as well, "I felt awful and got defensive: I had a good excuse for each missed event! Travel, important meetings, an urgent phone call, sudden to-do," he recalled. 

"But it dawned on me that I was missing an infinitely more important point ... I was not making nearly enough time for her." He concluded his essay by saying how his life had changed, from waking up at 4:30 in the morning to waking up his daughter for school, making her breakfast and driving her to class. 

Looks like someone has discovered the truly valuable things in life. Of course, having hundreds of millions of dollars certainly helps when you need to play catch-up with your disaffected offspring, but it's very sweet, nonetheless.

(by Johnny McNulty)


Fantasy baseball.

Beat the press.

All talk.

The bear at this window is only here for the cookies.

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Such a dainty bear bite.

There may come a time in your life that you find a "bear at your window," so to speak. Now, this "bear at your window" might be a challenging new job opportunity, a difficult co-worker or some unexpected visitor from your past. Or it might be an actual bear at your window. Doesn't matter. 

The point is, though we may assume that bear is there to claw your face off and eat your entrails, that's not always the case. Sometime the "bear at your window" just wants a cookie, as this Russian man discovered:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This dog won't walk through an open door until his owner pretends to open it.

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Maybe he's just a fan of mime.

There could be a slightly traumatic, considerably less cute backstory to this dog's relationship with the glass door. It's possible that he's already smashed his already smushed face one too many times, and isn't stepping into the house till he's certain the door is open. He's so apprehensive, even his owner's word isn't good enough for him. A human arm turning the knob and "pulling" the door is what he's waiting for. And it looks as though he's willing to wait all afternoon if he has to. Why not, it's a beautiful day and it's not like he has to be anywhere.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Entrepreneur

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An entrepreneur is a person who organizes or operates a Twitter account stating that they are an entrepreneur.

What a pill.


This wolf puppy is trying its best to make friends with a grumpy goat.

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"What if I triple-promise not to eat you?"

On the the one hand, I can really empathize with this adorable little wolf puppy. He knows that he has no intention of eating this goat. He just wants to play with the goat. But despite pulling out every cute trick in his bag, he just can't seem to convince the goat that his intentions are innocent:

On the other hand, I totally get where the goat is coming from. This puppy might want to play today. He might want to play tomorrow. But one day, genetics are going to kick in and he's going to come out looking for some mutton. And this goat seems to be fully aware of how delicious he looks.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

The trailer for the new Thug Kitchen cookbook makes it look f*cking delicious.

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This guy is no longer f*cking lazy about food.

Thug Kitchen, the cookbook from the Thug Kitchen blog, is coming out this month, and if you don't want to keep eating crap like some asshole, you'd better "read like you give a f*ck." 

The trailer, below, reveals that the cookbook is the perfect treatment for anyone suffering from "not giving a f*ck what they eat." Before you order it, make sure to read the fine print at the bottom of the ad, which includes, "Results from food tested on voluntary human trials varied from tasty to goddamn delicious."

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

These sexy "Frozen" Halloween costumes are so hot they'd make Olaf melt.

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(via)

Okay, that headline was a bit misleading. Actually, one of these sexy Frozen costumes is Olaf. Yes, if a snowman can be turned into a sexy Halloween costume, then all bets are off. Literally, the only non-sexy Halloween costume remaining is the three-boobed woman

Costume site Yandy.com revealed these "sexy" Halloween costumes based on Frozen characters just in time for you to buy and wear anything else at all. Sure, they disguised who the characters really are by calling them things like "Fearless Snow Princess," "Ice Queen," "Blue Snow Queen" and "Funny Snowman," but it's pretty obvious who they're supposed to be. There's sexy Elsa:


(via)

Sexy Elsa again (apparently modeled by drag queen Jennifer Lawrence):


(via)

Sexy Anna:


(via)

And as promised, sexy Olaf:


(via)

More like Sexy Snowman. Sadly, it appears these costumes may have been removed by Yandy.com, presumably because of the obvious and egregious copyright infringement. But that just means you have the opportunity to get creative and make your own!

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader mercilessly make fun of an interviewer who did a very bad job of pretending to see their new movie.

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The reason the word "awkward" was invented.

Granted, local morning show hosts like Denver's Chris Parente probably don't have the resources to watch every movie from every celebrity who give them a three-minute interview. So, Parente's crime in this clip from KWGN's Daybreak isn't that he pretended to have seen Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader's new movie, The Skeleton Twins.

It's that he pretended to have seen some other movie altogether:

The film he thinks he's talking to them about is Welcome to Me, which is about a woman who wins the lottery and does supposedly feature a full-frontal nude scene from Wiig. But that isn't getting a wide release for at least a couple months. Plus, it doesn't co-star Hader. So, there are multiple levels of wrongness at play here.

That said, even if she were there to promote Welcome to Me, it seems pretty highly doubtful that Parente asking Wiig to weigh in on his dong-dangling live TV fantasy would have been any less awkward.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Make sure you're sitting on something safe for "Lava Floor: The Movie."

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Why couldn't he have made a pillow pathway like a normal person?

Unless you never pretended that the floor was lava as a kid, I kind of feel like I'm insulting you if I try to set this up too much. So, to the few people who didn't grow up constantly pretending that the floor was a molten hot lake of lava (or occasionally, shark-infested waters) that would instantly kill you unless you protected yourself with a couch cushion...that happened to most of us. And we loved it. And we committed hard to that game. But...what if it was real? Well, in that case, you'd have no choice but to freak out the president and have a pretty scientist lady call on a grizzled specialist who just wants to stay retired. Because this is an action movie now, and a damn big one at that.

Or, you could just be a mom doing laundry. They don't want to play, even if the rest of the Earth is.

(by Johnny McNulty)

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