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The Simpsons

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The Simpsons was a critically-acclaimed animated series from 1989-1998.

Website

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A website is a set of related web pages hidden underneath a spreadsheet when your boss walks by.

A collection of Facebook status updates posted at wildly inappropriate moments.

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Proof...That I am a menace to all and need to have my license revoked. (Via)

Sometimes "TMI" can stand for "Too Much Immediacy." It's not that we don't want to be informed that a friend is masturbating / on the toilet / performing brain surgery / all of the above. We just worry that by trying to share it with us while in the moment, they're not savoring the moment as much as it can be savored. These Facebook users exemplify the growing spirit of real-time overshare, refusing to wait even five seconds before updating their status with the most private, unnecessary, and occasionally disgusting details of the life they're living right now. 


We can't be there for you 24/7!(Via)

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#Keeper Loves #Oversharer 4Ever. (Via)

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Too hot to not commit vehicular manslaughter.(Via)

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 Last known photo. (Via)

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Some random dude sold an ugly truck...and we all felt healed. (Via)

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Updated 8/26/14:


That's a famous person. Right there. Being rewarded. For this. 

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Don't talk smack about a friend's ex until the restraining orders are finalized.

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A.) You still have time, get off Facebook. B.) She can see this, you illiterate dummy.

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I hope those five likes were worth it for this gross story full of *POP*!

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Frankly, any post during a high school party is at an inappropriate moment.

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Mission: Literally Impossible

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Don't commit crimes. If you do, don't post them on Facebook. It's not hard.

Updated 7/23/14:


I'm glad you enjoy working out, I hear prison is good for that. 

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Perfect mom font as well. So much craftier.

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Not too hot for Facebook, though. Never too hot to drive and Facebook.

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I think David's mom Whitney might have some helpful advice.

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Much like hemorrhoids, there is nothing to ease the pain of this post.

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Please, let me be the idiot in this situation and let this be fake.

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The stereotype that writers always wait until the last possible second is true.

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Updated 6/25/14:


Well, he got the hashtags right, but I don't think a snap PSA will get you off in court. 

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This guy is both ignorant about sex and under-excited to be the next Joseph & Mary.

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I know it's really hard to get an anal bleaching appointment after work, but don't brag.

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C'mon, Lisa. Let us share the joy of laughing at Sean.

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Come down to Rickki's Brothel, we've got the best Local Business in town.

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I don't know what's worse, going 90mph to pick up a kid, or the word choice here.

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Updated 4/11/14:


Ironically, the person who realizes it shouldn't be on Facebook is also the most illiterate.

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lmaoo: "Laughing my ass off ohmigodIdidn'tseethatturn!"

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He/she totally did that.

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That's a very specific amount of screaming to promise.

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I don't approve of sharing people's sex tapes, but: I now know who Helene Fischer is.

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Updated 4/11/14:


"I don't get it, the shot clock still has 10 seconds...so, why do I hear a horn?" 


Drunk driving because no one answered your call is a new passive-aggressive record.
 


Hard to say who is dumber, the guy who posted for "sinthetic" or the person who thought
it would be possible to reason with him.

 


What are you doing making a simple update? That's a Facebook Milestone right there.
 


Is it just me, or did no one call 911 before posting to Facebook?
 


I hope this isn't the prequel to the bagged lunch one two photos up.

Updated 3/13/14:


Probably made someone's heart rate go up, that's for sure. (via Failbook)
 


You're right about the second half of that. (via reddit)
 


I hope that other guy didn't Google that while driving.(via)
 


I'd say by not embarrassing him in front of everyone, but hey, what do I know? (via Lamebook)
 


I'm going to say "a.) Henry Clay and b.) all of them." (via)
 


Whoah, what do you think this is, LinkedIn?(via)

 
This kid is ready to work in cable news.
(via)

Also, just a reminder that it usually sounds pretty stupid to describe your small problems as a disaster:

Your Facebook complaints are all that stands between civilization and buying Fascism.

Updated 2/6/14:


This may be the most literal update-at-an-inappropriate-moment we've ever had. (via reddit)
 


I don't think it's inte-meant to be with you two, buddy. (via Lamebook)
 


That big, blurred-out thing? That's a cadaver of someone who donated their body to science.
(via WHNT)
 


So, he's like one shade smarter than the guys from Dumb & Dumber. (via Lamebook)
 


Wow, he sounds like the kind of asshole who would take a selfie at a funeral. (via reddit)
 



Mike, you're not so good at this 21st Century thing. (via reddit)

Updated 1/13/14:


"I got this." - Completely accurate, totally not reassuring. (via reddit)
 


Certain people need to learn about this encryption technology called talking in person.(via)
 


It's a good thing admissions officers don't have Facebook. (via)
 


If this gets 50k likes, we'll get out of the car. (via)
 


We'll stay tuned for more updates. (via)
 


I guess you could say nothing and leave us ignorant of this behavior. (via)
 


Everything about this is a lie! I bet he's not even on break. (via Failbook)
 


She's so flustered she can't even spell masturbate. (via Lamebook)

Updated 12/04/13:


The prosecution would like to enter into evidence the following Facebook post...
 


Now everyone will know you are a real class act.
 


What did Man do before fleshlights and hot pockets?
 


Yeah, it'll definitely be less awkward right afterwards.
 


It's cool, they probably had to fart.

 

 

Updated 11/06/13:


This looks like a video game...that someone is about to lose.
 


Fun Fact: This was the first question ever asked, circa 90,000 BC
 


Live fast, live-update your death young.
 


You are on a phone on Facebook. I guess in your case, the issue is having no friends.
 


His grandson made him so awkward, he cringed too hard and it turned into rigor mortis.
 


I can't talk about it. The police think it might be the same person who poisoned grandpa.

 


This is the most literal instance of "update at an inappropriate moment" we've ever seen.

 


Invent a time machine, study home ec and sex ed, and never have a kid or buy bleach.
 


WOW! Wow, some old lady. Just wow. WOW. WOWOWOWOW.

Updated 10/1/13:


Something tells me this person tried to use that spoon to fix the toaster.
 


Movie...about illegal and dangerous driving...while driving...brain...*EXPLOSION*
 


Good, now you'll have time to Google "emergency" to see that you were in one.

 


I think she's not pregnant because she murdered her boyfriend in the shower.
 


It will be for you if I can figure out how to show this to your boss.
 


I assume the feeling you mean is "attention from concerned friends."

 


Sucks that having the sun in your eyes is the best time for selfies & the worst for driving.

Updated 9/04/13:


I don't always post to social media while driving, but when I do, the speed is 3 digits.
 


Life goes on, especially when there's colored icing.
 


Those emoticons are the same faces one of the Heathers made after drinking Drano.
 


Brainz fallin outa mah hed lol.
 


9-1-1 only takes typing three digits. This is like 4 tweets.
 


Better safe than sorry, she could be a ghost who can't rest until she gets 10k likes. 

Updated 8/01/13:


Nor shall you, my friend. Nor shall you.
 


Your baby. Your baby is trying to drink with you.
 


Way to go, CasanofuckingwaywouldIeverletmydaughterdateyou.
 


The NSA does.
 


I tagged the sheriff, but I did not friend the deputy.
 


That fucktard is in your mirror, fucktard.
 


And to end a long career of being able to legally drive.

Updated 7/01/13:


Much like she has Faith in posting things on Facebook and saying "don't tell my husband."
 


If she dies, at least the guy who wrote "ut oh" will know they told her everything they needed.
 


No one from this high school passed sex ed. No one.
 


You should hear how funny he thought it was when his F'ing A fell O because he was L'ing.

 


OK cool, just letting everyone know. Back to playing "Plants vs Zombies."
 


Platinum beer comes with driving priviledges. It's the highest level of beer membership.

 

Updated 5/30/13:


"I can do much better tho" is probably true for everything this guy does.
 


Actually, there is definitely a bio test going on, but for anthrax.
 


Must...keep...looking...at...phone...for...safety...
 


See me after class, but remember that I can always see you on here 24/7.

 


Good God, people! What happened to blasting a music station you hate?

Updated 4/30/13


How did she text with wet nails (while driving)? She's a pro!
 


This is called Texting While Being In An Action Movie.

 


7 likes. 1 hehehe. People hate you, buddy.

 


Hopefully his work is as a tow truck driver so he can tow whomever he hits soon.

 


Are you crazy putting this on Facebook? Post this kind of stuff on LinkedIn.

 


Too much inappropriate to keep track of. But great blouse, mourner in the middle!

 

Updated 4/5/13:


Could you maybe just post a little more to explain what the hell you were doing?

 


Thumbs down, young lady. Thumbs down.

 


Not everyone has to make a big deal about their last words.

 


You're taking a photo of it all while driving? You'll interupt your Words With Friends game!

 


Facebook Marketplace doesn't sell any pails of soapy water. You're on your own.

 


Hope they post pics of the entire arrest and incarceration, including the pepper spraying. 
 

Updated 3/5/13:


A.) That emoticon is offensively accurate. B.) The lady helping is in a wetsuit.

 


"Like this" as in seeing her kid go on Facebook during a funeral?
 


2 minutes later: lighting a pen full of petroleum-based ink on fire proved to be scarring!
 


Introducing the new LifeAlert: it calls 911, tweets and Facebooks any time you might die.
 


To be fair, the man seems equally uninterested in helping his aged wife get out of the car.
 


Didn't even properly tag them. That's disrespectful. Just a vague attention-grab.
 


The fact that they're too tired to take a decent photo is not reassuring, either.

Updated 1/29/13:


They see me rollin, they concerned / trying to catch me riding hands-free.
 


That's fair. But you are also checking Facebook at a funeral, so...
 


Ain't no status like a cowering-in-my-bathtub-avoiding-stray-bullets status. 
 


Do you know how low your shirt was going? I mean how fast I was distracted? Carry on.
 


Great drunk-typing. It's amazing he can type and drunk-drive with only one major error.
 


Their son was diagnosed with ADHD and an anxiety disorder sixteen hours later.

Updated 11/30/12:


Put the phone down. You need both hands for that.
 


The photo gallery of her frantically downing some coffee was a nice touch though.
 


At least the truck will suffer minor damage getting rear-ended right after you hit send.
 


You can't put romance behind bars.
 


#scumbag

 

 


Completely idiotic physician, heal thyself!

 

Updated 10/5/12:


And here we are masturbating to it.

 


He just wanted it to be clear for the autopsy report.

 

 


Um, aren't you doing the same thing Mrs. Cooper?

 

 


To be fair, that red light fairy can be kind of a dick.

 

 


Then ask one of the nurses to take a photo! This is an emergency!

 

Updated 9/10/12:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Clever dog tricks random man into playing fetch with him.

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You will play with me. Oh yes, you will.

All this man wanted was to do the right thing and return this Collie's toy. Little did he know he was about to engage in a sinister trap orchestrated by the Collie, and once the man touched that toy, he would forever be compelled to play fetch. For every time the man chucked the ball into dog's yard, the dog was quick to return it to the other side of the fence, where the toy would be lost forever unless the man was kind enough to return it again. 

This is how Sisyphus would have been punished had Zeus been a dog. 

It appears the dog's owner may have relieved the man of his duties, but that ball will be waiting on the other side of the fence for its next captive. Will it be you?


What is touched can never be untouched.

(by Myka Fox)

Amy & Samy, America's most famous insane restaurant owners, chase patron out with a knife.

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This is what it would look like if Edward Albee wrote a play while he was really hungry. 

Amy and Samy Bouzaglo, the owners of Amy's Baking Company Bakery Boutique & Bistro in Scottsdale, AZ, are back in the news, and this time it's for screaming at a drunken customer and chasing them out of the restaurant—which for them, is pretty above-board behavior. Oh, and Samy also pulled a big knife out and had to be restrained by Amy to prevent a homicide. Of course, if you believe the version of the story they told TMZ, Samy is just holding a big, shiny pen.

It should be noted that Amy asked the drunk to leave, and the drunk complied. Nevertheless, Samy became so enraged that you can hear him saying "Let me do it" to Amy as she physically puts her body in between her husband, his knife, and a possible homicide. The person filming is a bystander who obviously knew whose restaurant he was standing outside. I, too, would have my camera ready to go at any moment if I was walking by Amy's Baking Company.

It's been over a year since I last wrote about Amy and Samy Bouzaglo, the legitimately crazy Arizona restauranteurs who first came to the Internet's attention after appearing on Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmare, securing a place in the history books as the first couple to make Ramsay quit mid-episode. They did this by screaming at a customer who complained about waiting an hour for pizza and admitting that they'd fired over 100 employees in only a few years of business and that they steal all their tips. That wasn't what made them famous, though—it was their public meltdown on Facebook afterwards, where they threatened legal action against "all the Yelpers and Reddits" who said negative things about them, and so much more. 


File photo of Samy Bouzaglo. 

After that, a competing restaurant got some press by having a guy in a costume stand outside and advertise their "no hitting customers" policy, unlike ABC (Amy's Baking Company). 

Finally, it was revealed shortly thereafter that to work at Amy's Baking Company required signing a 20-item contract that included statements like "all tips belong to the house," a prohibition on bringing purses or bags to work, and agreeing to let Amy and Samy search your belongings at will if they make an exception and let you carry a purse because of some stupid problem like medicine or something.

As for today's incident, both the knife and the drunk were gone by the time cops arrived, but charges could be pressed if/when the alcoholic customer sobers up and talks to police.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Just to put the brutality of your Monday morning in perspective, here are some dolphins eating a shark.

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I can't even think about the harsh reality of the food chain until I've had my coffee.

Oh, you're having a rough Monday, are you? Couldn't get a seat on the subway and then you got to work only to realize your phone battery's dead and you hate your job with a passion? Well, at least you're not an effing tiger shark being brutally hunted and killed by a band of orcas. At least the thrashing of terrifyingly smart killer whales isn't the last sound you'll hear before they rip your fins off and devour you. At least your demise off the coast of Costa Rica isn't something a bunch of marine biologists feel lucky to have witnessed from the safety of a boat that apparently didn't have space for one little tiger shark. 

Okay fine, I'm sorry your supervisor lectured you on the importance of punctuality. That is pretty barbaric.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Lonely day.


5 people having a worse Monday than you.

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5. Every man, woman, and child who didn't marry George Clooney in Venice this weekend.


(Getty)

Gorgeous Oxford-educated barrister Amal Alamuddin married Oscar-winning actor and world's most eligible bachelor George Clooney in a dreamlike ceremony in Venice, Italy today. Over the weekend, the couple hosted everyone from Bono to Matt Damon to Cindy Crawford at a star-studded bash to celebrate their nuptials. That's right, star-studded! That's the type of bash you have when you're taking George Clooney off the market! Even Clooney himself must be jealous of Alamuddin, who got to marry the dashing philanthropist and actor in a small, private ceremony in a freaking palace overlooking the Canal Grande. Sadly, now that Clooney is married, the most eligible bachelor in the world is Jeremy Piven.

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4. Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky, who is already the last, best hope of the Democratic Party.

Chelsea Clinton's baby daughter Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky was born Friday, and she's already fielding questions about whether she'll run in 2052. (She hasn't ruled it out, but she needs to talk to her family and political advisers first.) Yes, there is undoubtedly quite a bit of pressure on the shoulders of this little bundle of Democratic joy. She needs to soften the image of her grandmother, make everyone forget about her grandfather's past indiscretions, and set the stage for her mom to inevitably run for public office as well. She's probably feeling incredibly jealous right now of little prince George with his purely ceremonial role. Also, a bit gassy.

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3. A guy who went on Brian Stelter's CNN show this weekend wearing the exact same outfit as Brian Stelter.


(screengrab via)

Jim Miller went on Brian Stelter's Reliable Sources yesterday to talk about Bill Simmons' suspension from ESPN. Embarrassingly, Miller showed up wearing the exact same outfit as Brian Stelter. Even more embarrassingly, he seems to have the same haircut as Stelter as well. Good thing Miller wears glasses or it would have been virtually impossible to tell the two men apart. The whole incident was almost as mortifying as Roger Goodell's horrible lies during the Ray Rice saga (Suspend me, Someecards! I dare you!). Luckily, Miller knew the correct joke to make when you're wearing the same thing as someone else: "It's a good thing we texted last night." 

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2. The unpaid performers opening for Lena Dunham on her book tour.


(Getty)

Writer and performer Lena Dunham is about to set out on an 11-day book tour to promote her new memoir Not That Kind of Girl. To make the tour even more special, Dunham held an open-call video competition for unknown performers to accompany her. The winners have been selected, and they'll be given the honor of opening for Dunham...for free. That's right, according to the New York Times, the actress is not paying the seven "remarkable, special weirdos" she found online anything at all other than the thrill of opening for her. Considering Dunham was paid a $3 million advance for the book, it seems like she could afford to pay those performers. Of course, then they would miss out on the important experience of being broke and talented in your 20s, which they can now parlay into their own book deals.

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1. Anyone who paid for coffee today like a sucker before they knew it was National Coffee Day.


(Thinkstock)

Happy National Coffee Day, everyone! And an unhappy National Coffee Day to those of you who just found out it's National Coffee Day. That's right: you could have had free coffee from Dunkin' Donuts, Krispy Kreme, McDonald's, and a bunch of other places this morning, but you were too bleary-eyed to notice this important American holiday was happening, and now it's too late. Luckily, tomorrow is National National-Holiday-Related Regrets Day. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

He did it.

Something old.

Crappy birthday.

Looking forward.

Uncomfortably numb.

Trying day.


5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 29, 2014

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1. Bill And Hillary Clinton Welcome Your Future Overlord Into The World

On Saturday, Chelsea Clinton and her husband Marc Mezvinsky announced the birth of their daughter Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky. The baby's grandparents Bill and Hillary Clinton issued their own statement over the weekend: "We are thrilled to be with our daughter and her husband as they welcome their daughter into the world. Chelsea is well and glowing. Marc is bursting with pride. Charlotte's life is off to a good start." The statement did not address speculations that Hillary Clinton would be running for President in 2016. 


2. Going Into Its 40th Season, 'Saturday Night Live' Continues To Dominate The 11:30 Saturday Night Time Slot

Saturday Night Live has returned for its 40th season, featuring former cast member Darrell Hammond as the show's new announcer. The premiere episode, with Guardians of the Galaxy's Chris Pratt serving as host, received generally positive reviews, which is nice since that show isn't going anywhere regardless.


3. 'The Simpsons' Kills Off A Beloved(ish) Character

In last night's episode of The Simpsons, show producers made good on their promise to kill off an actual character from the show. If you don't want to know which beloved character has shuffled off this mortal coil, skip on to the next news story now. SPOILERS: Sorry to tell you, but Krusty the Clown's father is no more. How the show will continue without Krusty the Clown's father—who may or may not have a name—remains to be seen. 


4. This Weekend, A Kenyan Runner Ran 26 Miles In About The Time It Took You To Watch Two Episodes Of 'Real Housewives'

Kenya's Dennis Kimetto broke the world record for marathon running yesterday when he shaved nearly a half-minute off the previous world record and finished the Berlin Marathon with a stunning 2:02:57 time. Coincidentally, it's also my personal best for the ten meter dash.


5. George Clooney Is Now Officially Not-Yet-Divorced

George Clooney is no longer a single man. After marrying Amal Alamuddin in Venice Italy over the weekend, he is now officially married, and will remain such until he ultimately becomes officially divorced.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Little things.

A 'Modern Family' editor live-tweeted a fellow passenger's drunken, in-flight meltdown.

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Emmy-winning editor and world-class live-tweeter.(via)

Everything about flying has become such a massive pain in the ass that even uneventful flights full of decent people can be miserable. Getting stuck on a plane with a drunk, inconsiderate asshole is especially awful. That's the situation Modern Family editor Ryan Case found herself in last night, and was able to keep her sanity by live-Tweeting the experience of flying with a woman she dubbed "the worst person in the world." That might be overstating things, but she's definitely a candidate for worst passenger of the year. And that's a pretty competitive category.

The tale of Nadia, the A-hole at 30,000 feet, and the poor guy sitting next to her, Abdul, takes an incredible 64 tweets to tell. It's the Lord of the Rings of live-tweeting, and involves name-dropping, a murder fantasy and, eventually, the cops. Here are the lowlights, with a pic of Nadia towards the end.

The entire 64-tweet epic tale is is on Ryan Case's Twitter feed.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Leaked footage of (someone pretending to be) Vince Vaughn auditioning for "True Detective" Season 2.

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Elvis sunglasses! Whoa!

The news that Vince Vaughn will star in the second season of True Detective was met with some excitement, but also a healthy dose of skepticism. Could the show turn around the career of the star of The Internship like it did for Matthew McConaughey? 

Perhaps. This leaked footage of Vaughn's audition—brought to you by comedian Frank Garcia Hejl—reveals the actor best known for his Frat Pack comedies like Dodgeball and Wedding Crashers may have more ideas for the show than you'd expect. 

Hopefully, HBO will ignore all of them.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Vicious cycle.

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