Vermouth is wasted on the young. (Via Fox 59)

Underage party in Johnson County Jail!

Drunk knuckleheads Hanni Bichir, 20, and Triston Burton, 19, took a 2am booze cruise over to Johnson County Law Enforcement Facility to rescue their drunk, underaged friend. When they go there, they "waved at the police officers through the window," and then asked the officers about how to get their pal out. 

Police let them in and immediately noticed they reeked of booze. They set the intoxicated duo up with a breathalyzer test; Tricky Triston blew a .135, and Hammered Hanni blew a .161, which is twice the legal limit to drive. They were immediately cuffed, led around the corner, and locked into a cell for possession of alcohol by a minor.

Johnson County better keep their breathalyzers nearby. If Triston and Hanni each have two coming to bail them out, the cells could be full by the end of the day.

(by Myka Fox)

This isn't some kind of game. This is fat-guy dancing.

It is not an exaggeration to say that you are probably physically incapable of replicating this guy's moves. This man, who is billed as "Dancing Kevin" on YouTube, was at the season opener game between the Columbus Blue Jackets and the New York Rangers. Why is there a bear present when the CBJ mascot is a giant blue wasp? It's the Labatt Bear, of course! Who better to dance with a drunk obese man than a beer bear?

Dear YouTube, please put this guy before videos instead the ripped Asian dude who comes on before every video to brag about how much he eats. This guy is much more fun and makes me feel good and not ashamed.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Rethinking the wheel.

Tough to tell if this is an incredibly smart hamster or the laziest ever. While he hasn't reinvented the wheel, he certainly discovered a new approach to hamstering. What he's doing looks like the hamster equivalent of cross-training. He probably discovered the move by accident out of sheer boredom. A rodent enclosure is only so big, and "hamster wheel" is practically synonymous with repetition and boredom, so it's not surprising that one of them found a way to mix things up. Not only does this exercise break up the monotony of the regular hamster workout routine, "the lazy hamster" sounds like a complicated sex move, which makes the already entertaining clip even funnier.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

That's so weird! I mean, they're both on the water. What could the difference be?

Yeah, so, people who live in San Francisco and New York are idiots. Rich, squished idiots (and waiters hoping to become them). If you'll excuse me, I'm moving to Alabama. [Googles "what to do in Alabama."] I'm sorry, did I say "Alabama"? I meant "the ass-end of Queens."

This is from BuzzFeed Blue, which is apparently the factual version of sketch channel BuzzFeed Yellow. I'm not sure, because those are colors and I don't know what the funk they're supposed to mean. There's also a Red. I bet you can guess what that's about! No, of course you can't.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Rimshots fired!

More often than not, if there's a battle going on, and and U.S. Marines are in your face, you're going to have a bad time. That's what makes this impromptu drum-off between the III Marine Expeditionary Force Band and their South Korean counterparts so fantastic. The two sides appeared to have a lot of fun with the friendly competition, and no one was hurt. Even though we kind of invaded the Koreans' personal space a little bit. Still, when you face off against the U.S. Marines and wind up laughing and dancing, you're having a good time.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Well now wait. Is that a moon? Cause it kinda looks like one. (via)

The Internet loves cats and the Internet loves photoshop. So given the opportunity to combine the two, the Internet didn't hesitate to work its magic on this photo of a perfectly round cat today. 

(via)

That's one cat who would not fit into a square box no matter how hard he tried. He does, however, fit into a lot of familiar images.

Here are some of them:

The greatest t-shirt of all time just got greater. (via)

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Kind of an outdated reference, but sure.(via)

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I understand it's perfectly safe, but it doesn't look safe. (via)

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It's not the misogyny that bothers me, it's the animal abuse. (via)

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Look closely at the catation marks.(via)

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Make a wish and scatter your cat to the wind. (via)

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Cat's gotta hurt. (via)

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The cat was relieved when he heard they were going back to the Catvaliers. (via)

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

"Ok lets go" is just way too open to interpretation.

Anyone who's ever let a misinterpreted text end a friendship, job opportunity, or a marriage will relate to this. Key and Peele are on fire this season, and this sketch about how wildly we can misinterpret a text communication pretty much captures why we're all so goddamn angry all the time these days. I mean, when Jeff said getting a drink sounded "real cool" was he serious or was he saying "real cool dickbag"? I'm going with the latter and he's dead to me. 

Catch Key & Peele on Wednesdays at 10:30 on Comedy Central, or check out their other videos here.

Related: 6 Brutally Honest Improvements To Annoying Text Messages We're All Sick Of Getting

(by Bob Powers)

But how else will Jake make new friends like you? (Via)

When someone takes over your Facebook account, do they take over your soul? No, of course they don't because souls aren't real. But Facebook is, and there's nothing more embarrassing than when someone steals your password and posts a pornographic status update in your name for all your nearly-forgotten high school acquaintances and distant cousins to read. Take a lesson from these poor victims of status-tory "frape." Strengthen that password and lock it up tight if you don't want to end up being humiliated in front of all 1600 of your "friends" in a hilariously entertaining manner.

Let's just say Ashley ate some mouse boogers and call it a day.(Via)

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Great advice, friend. "Have you considered sabotaging your relationship over a lie?"(Via)

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She also feels nothing for her daughters. Very suspicious. (Via)

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The saddest profile hijacking is the one that never was. (Via)

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Updated 7/15/14:

She should be your favorite. She's very concerned about your digestive health. (Via)

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People hijacking other people's accounts have quite the shit fetish. (Via)

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What's embarrassing about being accused of being a sanitary masturbator?(Via)

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Sometimes you can tell the hijacker's id is really coming out in these.(Via)

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Again! Seriously, it's a real obsession with this crowd.(Via)

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Nice to break things up with the occasional domestic drama. (Via)

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Updated 6/18/14:

Safe and sound, unlike your password.(Via)

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On the bright side, you've got some well-mannered students if "poopieface" is the worst they'll do. (Via)

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Holly really hates people who misuse words. Quick, someone hack her! (Via)

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Well, no and yes. No he didn't hack me, but yes, he did this.(Via)

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Not sure the analogy holds, but it's beautiful nonetheless, mom.(Via)

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Updated 5/14/14:

Weirdest baby shower invite ever. (Via)

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Ashley probably knew that would happen. She knows the effect she's had on men. (Via)

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Hey, she's forgetful and a thief, but there's no reason to call her mean!(Via)

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Only the best could "hack" into an account that's already logged in.(Via)

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Updated 1/20/2014:

When can we visit him in the dick removal hospital?

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At least in America they just search your crotch.

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Let's just agree that everyone on Facebook's illiterate. Cool?

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You owe him one George.

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Worst "hack" ever. At least call her gay or something.

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Updated 9/24/13:

Using meds without prescription causes you to give out your password.

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It's nice when your friends REALLY know you.

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The easiest way to come out is to leave your Facebook logged in.

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Fire! This is a quiz right?

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The best account abductions make you wait for it.

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Jake also publicly urinates well above the amateur level.

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Updated 7/9/13:

We're never attempting a home improvement project again.

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Thanks for showing such impressive restraint, stranger.

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She'll have to wait for Dongukkah.

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Always use plenty of lube...love, mom.

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Hope she comments about Terence's cock next so he doesn't feel left out!

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This is the first known evidence of a new phenomenon: homophobifrape.

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Updated 6/7/13:

Or this could just be some things Vanessa needed to get off her chest.

You've been Caged!

"I love publicly describing my intimate cleaning rituals every once in a while."

She's still calling him "babe." We think he's got a chance.

What a waste of a perfectly good hack.

Someone teach that man about emoticons!

Updated 5/8/13:

The kids call this a "skinny hack."

If anyone knows where I can find a penis resembling an onion ring, let me know.

Her real friends know she hates pandas.

Someone's aunt wanted to teach her a lesson about how not to use hashtags.

It's not actually that hard to do, but you're gonna get some ball on your face.
 

Updated 3/22/13:

So, this is the work of a "genius?"

Like an oral sex version of "I just saved a lot of money by switching my car insurance!"

Never hack Liam Neeson.

That escalated quickly.

Mister Tumnus, you have weird friends.

Facebook's reckoning.

Well, he already gave away his Facebook password. What's left?

Updated 2/21/12:

That, or Jonathan has a Tyler Durden-style alter ego who needs their own Facebook page.
 

"I would never turn down a dumb blonde. Don't put words in my mouth!"
 

Hey, person who did that: you need to be meaner.
 

You/you're - the last issue on which Americans are absolutely sure about right and wrong.
 

When you're not here all I do is snoop around your computer for other peoples' pictures.
 

"I am kind of into Satan and all his works."

Updated 1/17/13:

Wendee gives credit where credit is due. It takes a village to cuckold a husband.
 

These delightfully fresh-faced employees were given a sitcom 5 minutes after posting.
 

Recap: she missed her period status but she's going to keep it anyway.
 

Frankly, if someone logged on to our Facebook and handled those tasks, we'd appreciate it.
 

Like Megan's Law for cheaters, but it's your ex who gets to tell everyone you're scum.
 

If you tried this at work, it wouldn't be called "fun." It'd be called "team building."
 

Classic Cliana — only interested in other people's lives until the commercials are over.
 

Religion: one of the few things on Facebook that will like (and stalk) you back.

Updated 10/22/12:

Revenge is a dish best served by remote control.
 

It's a mystery where she gets that language from...
 

This man will never be able to get a real job now. He's ruined forever.
 

If you want to know your significant others' password, put a ring on it.
 

Updated 8/10/12:

Updated 6/26/12:

Updated 5/23/12:

Updated 2/13/12:

Updated 12/9/11:

Updated 10/4/11:

Updated 9/12/11:

Updated 8/30/11:

Updated 8/3/11:

Posted on 6/23/11:

He may not fetch, but he saws logs like a champ.

What's surprising about this video is that Dexter the German Shepherd is able to sleep so soundly for as long as he does with his owner jabbering and giggling two inches from his zonked out face. When he's finally brought back to life and she says "you're awake," the look he gives her is the same one any of us would give the person who woke us from a blissful, midday snooze on the couch. Which is the one that says, "No kidding. Now turn down the television and leave me the hell alone!" 

(by Jonathan Corbett)

No, dog! Not a coffee mug! (Via)

You know the "I have no idea what I'm doing" dog? The adorable Golden Retriever puppy who is happily posed above as a human and had no idea how to be a scientist? 

Or here, having no idea how to be a photographer?

These photos are ruff. (Via)

Or here, having no idea how to do whatever job this is supposed to be?

Pro tip: If you are working from home you don't need a tie. (Via)

Well, the dog's owner, Golden_Bailey, has just come out with a new batch of her posed pooch and gifted the internet with more of her sweet animal, so go forth and meme!

First I chop the wood, then I pee on it. (Via)

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Just leashed a new SUV. (Via)

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You forgot to fill out your W-K9. (Via)

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It's pronounced GIF. (Via)

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Look out, he's got a Royal Fluff. (Via)

What makes the "I have no idea what I'm doing" dog so lovable is her totally relaxed nature in letting her human dress her up and pose for pictures. Her owner Golden_Bailey explains on her reddit post, "she is just an expert at staying and she knows she is supposed to stay still when the camera is on her, it's bizarre!"

Ha! Maybe she does know what she's doing with the camera!

Check out the whole new series here.

(by Myka Fox)

1. MSNBC Reporter Who Broke Her Ebola Quarantine Probably Only Guilty Of Infecting Public With Subpar Journalism 

After MSNBC's Dr. Nancy Snyderman voluntarily quarantined herself due to being exposed to the Ebola virus, the medical correspondent was seen out of her home in her car picking up take-out food. Many people were understandably upset, despite her half-hearted apology. In an attempt to calm people, CDC director Dr. Thomas Frieden told CNN that Snyderman probably did not trigger a nationwide epidemic, since she wasn't showing any symptoms. "If she was not sick, she was not putting others at risk," he explained. So, I think what he's saying is that you probably don't have Ebola if you're not feeling sick. However, if you are feeling sick, then you have Ebola. I don't know about you, but I feel much better now.

I'm gonna have a hard time taking Dr. Nancy Snyderman seriously when she's fat shaming people on the Today Show now.

— Caissie St.Onge (@Caissie) October 15, 2014

2. Terrifying Clown Group Is Mad At 'American Horror Story' For Its Portrayal Of Terrifying Clowns

As if anything could possibly be more disturbing than a united collective of professional harlequins, the largest and most prestigious clown club in the country has publicly decried American Horror Story's new psychotic character, Twisty the Clown. The president of Clowns of America International issued a statement in which he stated, "We do not support in any way, shape or form any medium that sensationalizes or adds to coulrophobia or 'clown fear.'" I kind of see his point. They seem to be doing just fine on their own.

Clowns don't kill people, people dressed as clowns kill people.

— Frank Lesser (@sadmonsters) October 13, 2014

3. Catholic Church Backtracking On That Whole 'Tolerance And Human Decency' Thing

The Catholic Church is pulling a quick 180 on its statement yesterday that essentially amounted to saying that homosexuals are human beings who deserve a modicum of respect and acceptance from Christians. After coming under fire from conservative members of the faith for its slightly Christ-like level of tolerance, Church officials are now pointing out that that statement was part of a "working document" that can still be amended to excise anything resembling kindness.

Being excommunicated from the Catholic church is a little like being dumped by Chris Brown.

— Semiotic Stochastic (@mitdasein) October 14, 2014

4. Bono Is Very Sorry He Ruined Your Life By Giving You His Free Music

During a Facebook Q&A, U2 vocalist Bono issued a long-overdue apology for making every single person in the world extremely angry by giving people his music for free, whether they wanted it or not. "Oops. I'm sorry about that," he said, probably while wearing stupid colored sunglasses inside. "I had this beautiful idea and we got carried away with ourselves. Artists are prone to that kind of thing. Drop of megalomania, touch of generosity, dash of self-promotion, and deep fear that these songs that we poured our life into over the last few years mightn't be heard."

I'm not as worried about Ebola as I am about Bono writing a song about Ebola.

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) October 14, 2014

5. U.S. Supreme Court Temporarily Shuts Down Texas' Attempt To Temporarily Shut Down Women's Abortion Rights

The U.S. Supreme Court is temporarily halting a Texas law which would shut down the vast majority of Texas' abortion clinics until an appeals court has a chance to officially give them the thumbs up to trample women's rights.

BREAKING: Supreme Court gives women in Texas an extension on the time they have left to have control over their own bodies.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) October 14, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

At long last, you too can feel the joy of actually paying to watch Game of Thrones.

HBO Go has just made an announcement that will be extremely detrimental to the American family. After years of young people being forced to call their parents and try to make small talk before getting up the nerve to ask for their HBO Go password, the network has announced that they will soon be offering HBO Go as a standalone service.

In short, you never have to call your parents again (unless you can't afford the twelve bucks a month or whatever it's going to cost).

Up until now, HBO Go has only been accessible with a cable TV account login, meaning that you couldn't watch it unless you were willing to pay the $150 bucks or so to have a full cable lineup on your TV. In other words, it's only accessible to people who are so old that that they possess both disposable income and an ignorance of how to download shows illegally. But the password worked on multiple devices. This resulted in kids reaching out to their parents more often than they might have. 

As of 2015, kiss that reaching out goodbye.

Think of how many fractured relationships were patched up by kids calling home in need. There must have been countless times when "Can I have your password" was followed by a parent saying, "Yes. I'm glad you came to me, and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you back when I was still drinking." 

And it's not just parents and their kids who found healing in those password requests. Siblings with good jobs were probably stunned when the black sheep of the family called up asking to borrow a password. "My God, Bobby, it's been ages. The family's been worried sick since you moved to Alaska for that job at the fishery. I'll give you my password only if you promise to write me on a regular basis. First month I don't get a letter, I change the password."

Bonds were cemented by the simple need to find out what shenanigans Daenerys and her dragons were getting into each week.

That's all over. As of 2015, say goodbye to the HBO Go family. It had a good run.

(by Bob Powers)

They actually have nothing in common. One is Canadian.

Something is happening in your Internet backyard, and you may not even be aware of it. There are two unrelated 11-year-old girl YouTube dancing sensations currently going viral. How does something like this happen? Could it be a blip in the Matrix? 

The first is Taylor Hatala, who is from the suburbs of Alberta. She's been taking dancing lessons since she was a toddler, and recently, a video of her and dance teacher Laurence Kaiwai shaking it to "Anaconda" went viral, with over 9 million hits on YouTube.

Taylor is making the YouTube sensation rounds, with the requisite appearance on Ellen. Asked by a Today reporter how she feels about being famous, a giggling Taylor said, "I just don't think of myself as famous. It's weird to think about. I wasn't expecting any of this to happen at all." 

Good, Taylor. Then you won't be jealous of Adilyn Malcolm of Colorado. Not only does she have some incredible moves, but she's also completely self taught from YouTube videos (no word on whether that includes Taylor's video). While Taylor favors hip-hop, Adilyn is into dubstep, and her YouTube debut already has half a million views.

We'll keep you posted on this exciting, if somewhat alarming, new trend. In the meantime, the most important thing is that none of us read any of the disgusting and horrifying comments from creepy dudes on either girl's video. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

The actual face of progress.

Stephen Colbert has almost finished his run at the helm of The Colbert Report, and like any good TV character, he's undergone some personal development. Well, popular opinion (and the Vatican (temporarily)) did, and Stephen would never assail the ultimate source of truthiness: opinions.

I wonder how Colbert's fictional idol, "Papa Bear" Bill O'Reilly, will feel about his cartoon doppelganger moving past him in this way. O'Reilly was a relative Fox News liberal in his support for civil unions, but his marriage-is-a-privilege stance may make him look in the mirror and ask "Have I lost my way, or am I truly doing what's popular?"

(by Johnny McNulty)