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Who's who.


Can do.

Raise a glass.

Umbrella

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An umbrella is a canopy designed to protect normal people from rain and insufferable people from the sun.

Watching this BuzzFeed video is literally as interesting as watching bread grow mold.

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So what?

This video of mold growing on fast food hamburgers is repulsive, boring, and totally pointless—like pretty much everything else on BuzzFeed. For this video, they purchased burgers at seven different fast food restaurants, put them in glass jars, and let them hang out for 30 days. 

Surprise, surprise! The burgers grew mold. Except for McDonald's. The McDonald's burger did not grow mold. Draw your own conclusions, folks! BuzzFeed isn't going to spell it out for you! 

That attitude is exactly what is so irritating about BuzzFeed. There's an implied "See?" at the end of all their posts, even when they deliver information that's barely credible. 

This burger video isn't even a good experiment. If you really wanted to do a scientific analysis of how quickly different brands of burgers go bad, you'd buy 100 burgers from each company, preferably from different cities across the country or even the world. You'd need a controlled environment to let them go bad in, too. Then you'd be able to account for anomalies like that one burger got sneezed on or another dropped on the floor, and whether one burger jar was sitting in the sun while another was in the shade. 

And probably some other stuff, too! I'm not a scientist, nor am I pretending to be one.

Does Burger King's moldy burger actually mean their burger is better for you? Better tasting? I'm not even sure what BuzzFeed is implying. The only hint is the tagline of the video: "The less gross they look, the more disturbing the results." I'm not saying I necessarily disagree; just that BuzzFeed has offered zero information to back that up. 

And I'm getting a salad for lunch.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Middle management.

World-class.

Messy paperwork.


Man caught being a fan of bad music on TV, drinks beer in shame.

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So busted!

We all secretly love one or two songs that deep down we wish we didn't. There's no explaining how or why a terrible song seems to hit you a certain way that makes you want to sing and clap along. Whether you're a closeted fan of 'My Humps,' 'We Built This City,' 'Mambo No. 5,' or 'Breakfast at Tiffany's,' don't let other people's opinions prevent you from enjoying whatever music you like. 

That said, all those songs sound like 'Let It Be' compared to Dutch singer Snollebollekes' 'Bam Bam (Bam).' Therefore, if you happen to be in the audience while he's performing the song on television, for God's sake, don't get caught on camera clapping along, or you'll wind up looking like this poor guy, lamely attempting to hide his shame in a glass of beer.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Outta here.

Undercover boss.

A guy was testing out his slow-motion camera at the exact perfect moment.

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Get out of the way, that ball is moving so slowly!

Liam Terry just happened to be testing out his new slow-motion camera when, as he put it on reddit, "this happened."

The "this" is this: a kid kicked a soccer ball directly at another kids head while a little girl in a princess dress laughed. If we assume the filming of this injury was accidental, this is pretty much the best thing to catch in slow motion. And slow-motion is the best way to have a soccer ball kicked in your face.

Then it all comes whirring back into real time, complete with screams and laughter.

The kid is fine, I assume, or Terry wouldn't have posted this. He isn't heartless. As he explained on reddit, "the scream... made me turn the camera off!"

What a swell guy. 

(by Myka Fox)

This is an accurate portrayal of the hell that is every customer service call.

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Exactly what you look like about 73 minutes in.

Customer service calls to faceless corporations are soul-crushingly awful experiences. The recentspate ofComcasthorrorstories should attest to that. They're so awful that I'm almost inclined to believe that they were specifically designed to grate on the human psyche as much as possible. The only thing that stops me from accepting that as the absolute truth is the firm knowledge that these customer service departments could never accomplish anything with such success. 

So, I guess that means this is unintentional after all. Unless... Could it be that they're actually trying to make these call experiences even worse—like they're literally trying to drive their customers into spells of psychotic madness—and they just keep missing the mark by a hair and landing where they are now?

Regardless of the precise degree to which customer service representatives are trying to make us unhappy, the sketch group Fat Awesome does a pretty fantastic job of capturing the misery:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Elephants smash the living hell out of some giant pumpkins to celebrate Halloween.

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Of course elephants celebrate Halloween!

Yes! Thanks for giving the people what we want, Oregon Zoo! What we want, of course, is to see elephants eating/destroying seasonal treats. These elephants seem to be having a great time stomping on and then devouring large chunks of pumpkin, until the smallest pachyderm decides to climb onto the pumpkin patch and lie down. Presumably, this is the elephant equivalent of licking all the cookies, so no one else will take them. 

Now we need a video of elephants dressing up as slutty cats, getting wasted and vomiting Day-Glo orange puke everywhere.

This video is from 2011, but the video started spreading around again this week because elephants destroying pumpkins is truly timeless. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

All of the models for J.Crew are drunk.

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No drunk person should be forced to deal with a two-way zipper.

How did we never realize this before? All J.Crew models look totally wasted. We just needed Drunk J.Crew to bring it to our attention. The excellent Tumblr takes photos of J.Crew models and superimposes their slurred, vodka-fueled words. 

It kind of makes sense that the preppy, buttoned-up women of J.Crew are alcoholics. They probably spend all their time day-drinking at some country club that bases its membership on cheekbone-quality. You and I are not invited. 

See more classy drunk J.Crew models here.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)


5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 16, 2014

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1. CDC Instructed Ebola-Infected Nurse To Fly On Commercial Jet, So It Looks Like They're As Dumb As We Are

Officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention—the federal agency to which the world is looking for guidance during the current growing Ebola epidemic—conceded yesterday that it probably should not have advised a nurse who was showing visible signs of Ebola sickness to fly from Cleveland to Dallas via commercial airline. Whoops! Simple mistake. It's the kind of error any regular person might make. Which is generally why we don't hire regular people to work at the CDC.  


2. The World Braces Itself For "Peak Superhero," As DC Comics Unveils Its Next 173 Movies

Warner Bros. and DC Comics yesterday announced its full slate of scheduled superhero movies that it will be releasing through 2020, including two Justice League movies and stand-alone films for such iconic characters as Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman and Aquaman. Combined with Marvel Studios and Sony Entertainment's full lists, it is now appearing as though moviegoers will hardly ever be lacking for a new comic book movie on which to spend their money. If current trends persist, it is expected that a superhero movie will be released to theaters every 7.3 hours by 2026. 


3. Yogurt Takes Its Rightful Place As New York's Official Snack Food

When you think of New York, what's the first delicious treat that pops into your head? Okay, what's the second? The third? How about the 19th? That's right! Yogurt! That's why New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill into law making the sour dairy product the "Official New York State Snack."


4. Neil Patrick Harris To Host Oscars In Attempt To Do Something People Won't Love Him For

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced that it has chosen Neil Patrick Harris to be the next dishearteningly disappointing host of the Oscars. The actor/singer/comedian/author joins a long and very prestigious list of performers who have utterly failed to live up to people's expectations for the difficult and thankless job. 


5. In A Nation Fully Of Horribly Unpleasant Accents, Pennsylvania Reigns Supreme

Among the many things that the United States is known for—baseball, jazz, apple pie, violent imperialism—perhaps the most gratingly jarring to the ear is its enormous collection of terrible-sounding regional accents. For the past several weeks, Gawker has been pitting sixteen of the nation's least mellifluous strains of enunciation against one another and it now comes down to just two truly unpleasant modes of articulation, both from the great state of Pennsylvania. As of press time, Pittsburgh's accent is narrowly edging out Scranton's, but whichever city is on top when the final buzzer goes off, it seems clear that every member of the Keystone State is a winner.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Copy and Paste

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Copy and Paste are computer commands that enable a user to secure a job at BuzzFeed.

Here are the special edition Breaking Bad DVD covers, designed in the style of 'Fear and Loathing.'

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"This was bat country, before I put ricin in their flies."

Ralph Steadman is Gonzo art and Gonzo art is Ralph Steadman. The artist worked with author Hunter S. Thompson to illustrate his works and together they discussed and shaped each other's style until both Thompson's journalism and Steadman's ink drawings were called Gonzo—something directly from the point of view of the author full of "social critique and self-satire," which is a phrase I just cribbed from Wikipedia of all places. 

With Thompson having launched his ashes all over Aspen, Colorado, Steadman turned to America's next best-known crazed white dude prone to standing in the desert in his underwear while waving a large firearm: Walter White. With Breaking Bad wrapped up, it's time to release the special edition Blu-Rays, of course. So, show creator Vince Gilligan tapped Steadman to create six character illustrations for the DVD covers, one for each season. The Blu-Rays are going to be sold exclusively on Zavvi.com in February, but you can pre-order them now. Apparently, Season Four with the cover of Gus Fring is already sold out, so make a move if this is your kind of thing.


"My face is melting and I didn't even take any acid."

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Thompson's lawyer was also known as Dr. Gonzo for managing their drug trips.

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"Gomie and I were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert."

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"No more half measures of amphetamines."

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Still looks healthier than he did by the end.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Apology

Phone broke.

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