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Undercover employee

Very rude crow comes into guy's back yard and says "F--- you!"

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That's crow for "I'd like some seeds, please."

What's this crow's problem, exactly? He's a guest on this man's property, a man whose only request (though he could have phrased it more politely) was "don't peck me, motherf***er." This crow has a serious attitude problem.

Maybe he's upset that everyone is calling him a crow, despite the fact that many commenters who are familiar with the Corvidae family (which includes crows, ravens, and rooks) have pointed out that this is a jackdaw. All of these birds are really smart and many are mimics, including jackdaws. They can only learn a few words, though, so either this jackdaw heard that a lot or someone very specifically taught him.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Fat chance.

Boss

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A boss is a person involved in management or leadership of those who believe they could do a much better job than him.

Sick day.

17 employees who got busted by their bosses on Facebook.

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I don't WANT to say that someone has the perfect face for a failed Taco Bell employee, but... (Read More)

It's just not fair that so many bosses these days force you to friend them on Facebook, that's a given. But once you know they can see all your crap, if you get fired for posting stupid stuff while at work, that's on you. Granted, a lot of these employees got busted in that chaotic time before Facebook allowed you to customize which friends can and can't see your posts, but given the level of hapless over-sharing on display, we're betting no one here is very selective about who they blab at.


Don't these customers know the last half-hour is staff chill out time?


"Don't bother coming in" seems to be a strong theme here. (Read More)

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Seems like nothing more than an employee loving her product so much she can't help but French it. (Read More)

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Who would've thought an 18-year-old professional cheerleader would act immaturely? (Via)

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Facebook, police forces, & medium-sized cities: three things that make you easier to find. (Read More)

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Thank you for getting dafuq fired so we could waste company time laughing at you.

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The actual reason they were fired was for revealing the secret ingredient: Fun!

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He was later kicked out of the Liberal Party for listing it as the Liberal Partay.

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Short, sweet, and to the point. Textbook example of getting sacked.

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The guy at the bottom is pretty clearly Thomas's unemployed stoner friend.

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That's almost as embarrassing as bragging about being the boss' son.

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Either Anna left her profile open at work or she is self-hating and self-employed.

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It's amazing how much better Mala spells when she's unemployed.

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She deserves this, but it begs the question: is there really no such thing as a pervy gay wanker?

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Nice thing about being the boss: you get to be on the phone and Facebook at the same time.

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Until now, :/ was a stupid emoticon, but as the "no comment" face, it's pretty awesome.

(by Happy Place Staff)

Beautiful Daydream.


Naked woman in tree leads cops directly to her meth dealer.

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Meth-takes have been made.

Police in Trinity, TX got a call around 6am of a naked woman going around banging on doors. No, this is not the work of some new nudity sect of the Jehova's Witnesses. This incident was, of course, caused by meth.  

According to KTRE News, cops came to check the scene out, but didn't find her until an hour later when they got another call complaining of a naked woman sitting in a tree. F-I-E-N-D-I-N-G.

While they were trying to get her down like some meth-head version of an overly curious kitten, cops got another call, this time about a naked guy running around banging on doors in the same neighborhood. It wasn't a coincidence, it was love.

Turns out naked meth tree woman and naked meth guy were totally BF/GF.

Sheriff Woody Wallace (Sheriff Woody? What is this, Toy Story?) wrangled Trinity's geeked out Adam and Eve and convinced them to put some clothes on. That's when they explained that they were on meth.  

Wallace had been trying to track down a meth dealer in the neighborhood and took his moment to ask the two who their dealer was.

"They said they didn't know his name, but they had been texting him," Wallace told KTRE. "I said, 'well, text him again.'"

AND THEY DID. 

I know they were just trying to be cooperative to get out of trouble, but as far as planning ahead goes, this is a bad move for them. Only a little earlier in the day they were both so desperate for meth that they went about in a naked fury looking for their dealer, and now they want to get rid of him forever? Come on, guys, meth doesn't grow on trees. Then again, I guess you can't really expect a naked couple to mastermind a cover-up.

They arranged a drug deal for 2pm, and when the dealer, Jacob Walker, arrived, he was met by police and promptly arrested. 


Duped by the dope fiends. (Via Trinity Police)

That'll teach him for not answering his early AM requests. When your clients are meth-heads, you gotta keep them happy. No rest for the wicked, you know? He was charged with 2nd degree delivery of a controlled substance.

The darling couple would have been charged with public intoxication and indecent exposure, but they got off scot-and-clothing-free because they were so helpful in the bust. 

(by Myka Fox)

This is the most creative 3-story couch removal you'll ever see.

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Time for Jeff Foxworthy to update his bit.

The title of the YouTube video is "Red neck couch moving," but the most redneck thing about the clip is the narrator's diction. Regardless of the phrasing, when she says "This cannot end good," I believed her, because this had "FAIL" written all over it. It seemed like only a question of how it would go wrong. Would they drop the couch? Would the balcony hilariously collapse onto the floor below? The ending I never imagined was the one that happened.

Pretty sweet. Only now I'm left wondering how the hell they got it up there.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

This is what a shark feeding frenzy looks like when it's just a few feet off the beach.

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Lifehack: Stay out of the ocean when see you a bunch of these. (via Getty)

Last week, a fisherman in North Carolina recorded footage of a massive shark feeding frenzy taking place just off the beach. And when I say "just off the beach," I mean just off the beach. Like so just off the beach that it might technically be still on the beach. Take a look to see what I mean:

According to the description on YouTube, that's "more than a hundred sharks attacking a school of blue fish." That's definitely more sharks than I like seeing in the wading section of the ocean. Generally, I prefer seeing zero sharks. So, more than a hundred is definitely too many sharks for me!

Take notice of how none of the people watching from the shoreline jump into the water to go bodysurfing during the feeding frenzy. That's key behavior when in the presence of shark feeding frenzies. The first thing you're gonna wanna do when you see a centuplicate of enormous ravenous fish gormandizing their prey in a feverish state before you is not jump into the middle of it. I cannot stress how important that is.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

A spider burrowed into this guy's body and lived under his skin for three days.

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Try not to think about how easily this could happen to you. (via)

What's that weird scratchy feeling in your ear? Is it nothing or did a spider crawl into your ear drum and lay eggs and even now its eight little legs are tickling the inside of your brain? I'm sure it's nothing.

But it wasn't nothing when Aussie Dylan Thomas discovered a red, blistering rash trailing up his stomach one morning during a recent vacation in Bali. Over the course of the day, the rash moved several inches higher. Freaked out, Thomas headed to the hospital, where doctors initially thought it was an unusual bug bite. Eventually, they figured out there was a tropical spider trapped in his abdomen.

Yep. The spider had crawled in through a scar from when Thomas recently had his appendix out. That's right. Spiders can crawl into your body through tiny holes you didn't even know you had. 

The spider in question was a little "bigger than the size of a matchhead," Thomas told NT News. It was also dead. Nevertheless, the experience left Thomas feeling "violated." No word on how the spider felt. 

Thomas seems to have a good sense of humor about the experience. He has acquired the nickname Spider-Man and wrote on Facebook he was "still hoping I'm going to develop superpowers by the time I'm home." Thomas also told the Bunbury Mail he wants his "mates" to chip in for a Spider-Man tattoo to cover what he hopes is a "gnarly" scar.

In conclusions, spiders are under your clothes, in your hair, and crawling around your insides right now.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

White dudes Bill O'Reilly and Jon Stewart solve the debate on white privilege.

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Well, at least this proves that the Jews and the Irish could eventually be mainstream.

Despite the problematic nature of the visuals, they do a pretty decent job (for, y'know, some white dudes). Jon Stewart and Bill O'Reilly, the liberal comedian and conservative pundit, enjoy each other's company a surprising amount, and have been known to engage in full-length, special TV event debates. They're like a friendlier and less erudite version of Gore Vidal and William F. Buckley needling and despising each other on their ABC debates. Last night, on the Daily Show, the Fox News host dropped by to discuss his book Killing Patton (part of O'Reilly's long-running Killing Historical Figures series). Stewart, on the other hand, wanted to finish up a fight that started between O'Reilly and fellow Fox Star Megyn Kelly, who forcefully argued that "white privilege" is a real thing that does affect daily life in America. The debate goes more places than you'd think.

For a large portion of their discussion, I felt (as I often feel when Stewart and O'Reilly get together) some frustration at Stewart for attacking the topic in ways that seemed easy for someone as determined as O'Reilly to fend off. Then, however, he finally realizes that it's not so much that Bill O'Reilly doesn't think that the concept that Stewart mentions is real, he just a.) obviously thinks it counts for far less in life than most people do, and b.) can't be seen to be agreeing with a liberal using their words. So, one of O'Reilly's words is substituted, and suddenly we have agreements. Semantics, to paraphrase The Simpsons, is like alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of our problems.

In case you missed it, here's their epic debate from 2012:

(by Johnny McNulty)

Bloodthirsty baby arctic fox adorably tries to eat a man alive.

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So cute it's killing me.

"I don't even know what to think right now. This thing is so adorable, and it's trying to eat me," says the man under a brutal attack by the cutest baby arctic fox ever. The little fox desperately gnaws at the man's unprotected sandaled feet, but doesn't even manage to break the man's skin.

The fox did, however, manage to break his heart. 

Warning: this video is extremely scary for anyone with a fear of ridiculously cute baby animals.

(by Myka Fox)

H

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H is the eighth letter of the alphabet and Jesus's middle initial.

 


U

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U is the twenty-first letter of the alphabet and, by 2019, the correct spelling of the word "you."

Less money, more problems.

The star of this cute baby announcement is the soon-to-be uncle who can't figure it out.

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"'Uncle'! I've always wanted a nickname!"

The expecting parents had a pretty cute baby announcement planned. A Wookie doll and two drink mugs labeled "aunt" and "uncle." They set up a video camera to capture the reactions of the first people to find out about the new addition to the family. If everything went according to plan, it would've made for an sweet family video of a special moment. Instead, thanks to the slow-on-the-uptake, soon-to-be uncle who comes off like the kind of person who constantly needs movies explained to him, they got a hilarious video featuring a classic reaction to a baby announcement.

The video was posted back in May, but is just now going viral, which, considering the content, is kind of fitting. Not everyone gets things right away.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Bulldog riding a motorcycle waves at people who wave at him. No big deal.

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"Look, human, my subjects have come out to greet me!"

Sweets the English Bulldog is the king of the road, and like all good royalty, he knows that the key to a drive in the countryside is a majestic wave at the passing peasants. 

This video was uploaded by Christine Sutton, whose channel is devoted to Sweets. She also has this unfairly cute video of Sweets' first ride as a puppy.

Since then, it would appear, he's been in Petco commercials. Look at you, Sweets, working like a commoner.

(by Johnny McNulty)

UPDATE: Police released a photo of the stuffed horse toy victim of the Walmart masturbator.

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My sticky pony.
(via The Smoking Gun)

Normally, Happy Place would never think to publish a photo of a sexual assault victim. However, when the victim happens to be a stuffed horse toy, and the culprit is the man to beat for the title of 2014 Masturbator Of The Year, all bets are off.

The horse became famous yesterday after the story broke that a 19-year-old walked into a Florida Walmart and jerked off on the toy's chest. That teen, Sean Johnson, has been charged with indecent exposure and criminal mischief. He's also been sentenced to a lifetime of being the first name to pop up in a Google search for "Walmart+horse+semen."


Not cool, Brony. 
(via WFLA)

Why would the police release a photo of the jizz-stained horse to the media? Great question. Could be to let Florida residents in the market for a stuffed horse toy know they should be on the lookout for semen stains. Other than that, I don't see what purpose it serves. You may also be wondering why Happy Place would bother to even post something this disgusting. Well, I'd love to know what kind of person would click on a story like this. So we're even!

(by Jonathan Corbett)

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